![](\"https:\/\/musefanpage.com\/Images\/robert_at_13_noback.jpg\"\/)
\nRobert, age 13 (yearbook photo)<\/p>\n
\nRobert, age 13 (yearbook photo)<\/p>\n
One thing the papers emphatically show is what a Lord of the Rings<\/b> fanatic I was–far, far worse than any Muser. I read The Hobbit<\/b> in fifth grade and the trilogy every summer before six through eighth grades. (The Silmarillion<\/b> and other books of Middle-earth lore didn’t start to come out until I was in college.) A couple of my friends were immersed in the books, too. We learned to write Tengwar and Angerthas, drew white hands and red eyes on our homework assignments, came within a hair’s breadth of inventing Dungeons and Dragons, and did all the other geeky things Musers would rediscover decades later. I also wrote a LOTR musical.<\/p>\n
Well, not exactly a musical. There was no script–just a series of songs set to tunes that my friends knew and could sing along with. The songs were deliberately silly. As for the quality, judge for yourselves:<\/i><\/p>\n
1. Elrond’s Song to the Council in Rivendell, Explaining What’s Going On<\/b>
\n(To the tune of “Now I Am the Ruler of the Queen’s Na-vee” from H.M.S. Pinafore<\/i> by Gilbert and Sullivan)<\/p>\n
In days of old of which we sing
\nSauron decided to make a ring.
\nHe studied ancient books of lore
\nAnd he melted down the handle on the big front door.
\n(All<\/b>: He melted down the handle on the big front door!)
\nHe melted down the handle, and such was fate
\nThat it turned into a mighty ring of power great.
\n(All<\/b>: He melted down the handle and such was fate \/ That it turned into a mighty ring of power great!)<\/p>\n
Eons later on the ca-len-dar,
\nThe ring passed on to Is-il-dur.
\nIsildur battled for his life,
\nAnd he cut the ring off Sauron with a putty knife. (All<\/b>: He cut, etc.)
\nIsildur took the ring in such an hour
\nThat he thought that he would be endowed with endless power. (All<\/b>: Isildur took the ring, etc.)<\/p>\n
There were a few more verses, but I think that will do. Let’s see, what else have we got here… Oh, I’d forgotten all about this one:<\/i><\/p>\n
2. Treebeard Meets Merry and Pippin and Tries to Figure Out What They Are<\/b>
\n(To the tune of “My Favorite Things” from The Sound of Music<\/i>)<\/p>\n
First come the Eldar, the fairest of races;
\nDwarves, metal-workers, with hair on their faces.
\nAnimals of the air, water, and ground–
\nBut “hobbits” is not a fa-mil-i-ar sound.<\/p>\n
Are you a badger, or maybe a carrot?
\nAnimal, veg’table, mineral, spirit?
\nHorse? No. Or pig? No. Or maybe a cow?
\nThis I must find out, so come with me now!<\/p>\n
(Chorus) To the Entmoot… I must take you.
\nPlease do not ask why.
\nHop up on my shoulder and hold yourself tight,
\nFor if you fall off… you die!<\/p>\n
O.K., what next? “Denethor’s Song” — more Gilbert and Sullivan, not very interesting. “We Are Pursuin’ an Orodruin” (to the tune of “I’m Looking Over a Four-Leaf Clover”) — didn’t get very far with that one, must have sensed it was a bad idea. Oh, this one’s fun:<\/i><\/p>\n
3. Ringwraiths’ Song to Frodo and Sam Hiking to Mordor<\/b>
\n(To the tune of “Parsely, Sage, Rosemary, and Thyme”<\/strike> “Scarborough Fair” as sung by Simon and Garfunkel)<\/p>\n
Are you going to Orodruin?
\nOrcs and trolls infest these hills.
\nRemember me to old Sau-ro-on.
\nHe’s the master of our wills.<\/p>\n
When he has you, you will squeal.
\nOrcs and trolls infest these hills.
\nHe’ll feed you to Shelob for her next meal
\nOr be the master of your wills.<\/p>\n
The orcs had the best numbers, though. For example:<\/i><\/p>\n
4. The Uruk-hai Marching Song<\/b>
\n(to the tune of the Marine Corps Hymn<\/strike>“The Caissons Go Rolling Along”)<\/p>\n
Here we come, now you die,
\nWe’re the fighting Uruk-hai
\nAnd our soldiers are marching along!
\nRip and tear, maul and crush,
\nSlice our en-e-mies to mush
\nAs our soldiers go marching along!
\nSo it’s KILL! KILL! KILL!
\nIt gives us such a thrill.
\nOur numbers, you know, are thousands strong.
\nAnd we just can’t wait
\nTo maim and desecrate
\nAs our soldiers come marching along!<\/p>\n
Finally, there’s a big company number for orcs and Ringwraiths, to the tune of “Camptown Races” by Stephen Foster:<\/i><\/p>\n
Ringwraiths<\/b>: Minas Morgul, here we come.
\nOrcs<\/b>: DOO DAH! DOO DAH!
\nRingwraiths<\/b> Mithrandir is just a bum.
\nOrcs<\/b>: OH, DOO DAH DAY!
\nRingwraiths<\/b>: Sauron has a big red eye.
\nOrcs<\/b>: DOO DAH! DOO DAH!
\nRingwraiths<\/b> He is screaming DIE DIE DIE.
\nOrcs<\/b>: OH, DOO DAH DAY!
\nAll:<\/b> Gonna laugh and dance,
\nGonna kill and sing.
\nI’ll bet my money on the Uruk-hai,
\nSomebody bet on the ring.<\/p>\n
I know, I know: the Uruk-hai were Saruman’s troops, not Sauron’s. I just liked them.<\/p>\n
That’s all the LOTR stuff. I’ve got tons of other material in the box, though, and plan to release it little by little whenever the blog gets slow. (Does that sound like a threat? Take it any way you like.)<\/p>\n
Nam\u00c3\u00a1ri\u00c3\u00ab for now,<\/p>\n
–Robert<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
While cleaning out some old boxes, Robert stumbled across folders of things he wrote when he was in middle school and high school. He’s decided to post them here a few at a time so that MBers can laugh their heads off<\/strike> better understand the psychology of a proto-Muser.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[13,22,38],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-557","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-nonrandom-craziness","category-sound-and-images","category-time-capsules"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/musefanpage.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/557","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/musefanpage.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/musefanpage.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/musefanpage.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/musefanpage.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=557"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/musefanpage.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/557\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":16045,"href":"https:\/\/musefanpage.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/557\/revisions\/16045"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/musefanpage.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=557"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/musefanpage.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=557"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/musefanpage.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=557"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}