Friday, 19 April 2024
Life, the universe, pies, hot-pink bunnies, world domination, and everything
Ultracondensed versions of books, stories, songs, etc. — perhaps in “Smiley Story” format, perhaps not.
Midnight Fiddler requested this thread, which is a sort of spinoff of Muser Parodies.
WARNING: WILL CERTAINLY CONTAIN MANY SPOILERS.
Date: December 10, 2008
Categories: Nonrandom Craziness
I’ll start the ball rolling with this ultracondensed version of Shakira’s song “Hips Don’t Lie”:
[Wyclef Jean] Your unexpectedly immodest dancing excites me.
[Shakira] Me, too.
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Now you don’t have to listen to the song.
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Ultracondensed version of that play I wrote on the -phytes thread:
me: Why do we pie ?
everyone else: We don’t know !
Yoda: Everybody is right and wrong !
me: *gives up and ignorantly pies other MBers*
I know where this comes from; there was a “Quick Reads” contest in the February 2006 issue !!!
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“Quick Reads” is a better name for this thread. I’ll change it.
Here’s another song: “Greensleeves.” Paul Baker should like this one.
[possibly, though probably not, King Henry VIII] My girlfriend dumped me and won’t say why. Waaah!
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1- I’ve never heard that song, but still…
Ultra-condensed Version of Rapunzel!
(In disguise as evil woman): Oh, I see you discovered my little secret. That won’t do. I’ll just lock you up in a tower now!
(Rapunzel): Woe is me! *Time passes* *Hair gets ridiculously long* Woe is still me! *More time passes*
Yo, cute prince down the road! Come and save me!
(Prince): Why?
: Because I’m a founding member of the Damsels in Distress Club, that’s why! *Holds up I.D. card*
: Okay, I guess…you do look rather defenseless…
Um…I forgot my rope. I’ll go back to my kingdom and get one!
: That will take like waaay too long. Let’s try this instead! *Cuts off braid* *Nails braid to window* *Throws down braid* *Shimmies down braid* *Jumps into prince’s arms* Thanks for saving me, dude!
: You’re totally hot when you’re not fifty feet above my head! Will you marry me even though we no absolutely nothing about each other and we’ve only known each other for two minutes?
: Okay!
: Sweet!
and :*Live happily ever after*
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Ultra-condensed Generic Anthology of Love Songs
I must have you
I can’t have you
I won’t
I’ll love you for all eternity
Perhaps I overstated the case
You think you’re too good for me
I know I’m too good for you
How dare you two-time me
I’m not two-timing you, I’m torn in two
Waaah!
Ooooh!
*sigh*
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1~
Continuing in the same vein, here’s the Farmer’s Curst Wife, condensed:
[narrator] “There’s an old couple who lives on a hill. They’ve been there forever and will probably remain so.”
[devil] “Hey old man, I want one of your family members!”
[old man] “That’s okay I guess. Who do you want?”
“Your nagging old wife.”
“Oh. Okay.”
*picks up wife and carries her off* *throws into gates of hell along with a bunch of others*
[wife] *kicks out brains of minor demons*
[minor demons] “Owowow!” *running to devil* “daddy, take her away, she’s killing us all!”
[devil] “Okay.” *picks up wife and carries her back”
“Oh. You’re back!”
“Yes. She can’t go to heaven but she certainly can’t stay with me. I’ve tormented people for all my life, but she’s the onl one that’s ever tormented me.”
“this proves that women are better than me-they can go to hell and come back again. The end”
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Oh GAPAs, how you tickle my funny bone. *rolling on floor laughing*
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(8) That’s one of my favorite folk songs.
(7) Wow! Intense! I’ll consult that post next time I need to write a song.
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1-O-kaaaayyyy……*tries to contain self* *explodes from laughter* *dies*
*is revived*
Ultra-Condensed Twilight Saga:
(Edward): Must….not….eat…..Bella…..
(Bella): Why is he looking at me like that?
(Edward): I love you Bella. Your scent appeals to me.
(Bella): I love you too! You are so incredibly ultra-hot!
*they kiss*
(Bella): Edward?
(Edward): Yes, love?
(Bella): Turn me into a vampire…..PLEASE!!!!
(Edward): NO, dearest. You do not want to be a vampire.
(Bella): YES, I do!! *cries*
(Edward): *kisses Bella*
This is why I stopped at the 2nd book.
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Oops, forgot to end the italica after Must……not…..eat….Bella…….
((HTML Gnome?))
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11- *rolls around on the floor* *gets really dirty* *looks humilated* *surgs* *rolls around somemore* You got it just right without wasting any paper or my time. Perfect. I’m trying to come up with one but my smily abilities probably stink.
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Ultra condensed version of Star Wars New Trilogy
1
Qui-Gon: We must save Queen Amidala from the Trade Federation!
Obi-Wan: And while we’re at it, why don’t we fly around the galaxy and pick up an idiotic amphibian and the death of the Jedi Order!
Qui-Gon: Good Idea! Oh look, its darth maul!
(They fight. Qui Gon dies.)
2.
Obi Wan: Now were on a mission anakin- don’t let your feelings get in the way.
Anakin: Oh Padme! I love you.
Padme: Oh Anakin! I love you.
(Some crazy **** goes down.)
Obi Wan: Well, looks like we’ve started a giant war now! La-di-da!
3.
(Does anyone care about the first part of this movie)
Palpatine: Guess What! I’m a sith! The only way to save padme is to kill her!
Anakin: Wow! That sounds good enough to be true!
(Everyone dies).
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11 – I disagree.
TWILIGHT, condensed:
(Edward) *ignores Bella*
(Bella) Why do you ignore me?
(Jacob) He’s a vampire.
(Bella) Oh.
(Edward) Even though I hardly know you, I love you!
(Bella) Oh, how sweet! I love you too!
(Edward) But we can’t be together. I thirst for your blood.
(Bella) That’s okay! I still love you!
[idiotic climax]
(Bella) I love you, and I want to be a vampire!
(Edward) I can’t let that happen. But I love you, too.
*they kiss*
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Twilight, New Moon and Breaking Dawn:
Bella: Why is he looking at me? And wow, he’s hot.
Edward: Why is she looking at me? And wow, she smells good.
Bella: Are you a vampire?
Edward: Maybe.
Bella: Can I be one?
Edward: No. *kiss*
New Moon
Edward: I don’t love you.
Bella: What? Oh, hey, look! A hot Indian guy!
*things happen that aren’t worth mentioning*
Bella: *jumps off a cliff*
Edward: Oh noes! *goes to Italy*
Bella: Oh noes! *goes to Italy*
*they come back*
Bella: I love you.
Edward: Me too.
Bella: Can I be a vampire?
Edward: No. *kiss*
Breaking Dawn
Bella: Oh noes! A redhead is after me!
Edward: Oh noes! I shall protect you!
Jacob: Oh noes! I will too! *they get mad at each other*
Bella: Oh noes! Here she comes!
Edward: Oh noes! I will protect you!
Jacob: Oh noes! I’m going to protect her better!
Victoria: *dies*
Bella: Yay! I love you Edward!
Edward: Me too.
Bella: Can I be a vampire.
Edward: Maybe. *kiss*
Jacob: *runs away*
THE END
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.1 – hahahahahahaha. good one.
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Wall-E Ultracondensed (this is gonna be good 
)
Wall-E: [rocks out to ‘Hello Dolly’ while picking up interesting junk in an adorable manner]
Fred Willard: Hi! I’m some convenient exposition! The earth is majorly messed up! We’re getting out of here while the robots clean it up, but only for five years!
Huge Spaceship: FOOOOOOOMMM!! I AM LANDING!!!
Eve: [zooms around looking for plants and blowing stuff up]
Wall-E: [gazes at her lovingly, though he is a ROBOT]
Eve: [sees Wall-E and is concerned, then trusts him him]
Wall-E: [gives Eve a plant and shows her some hello dolly]
Eve: [shuts down because she has met her directive]
Wall-E: [gets scared that Eve is dead or deactivated or whatever robots get]
Huge Spaceship: FOOOOOOOOMMMM!! I AM BACK TO GET EVE!!!
Wall-E: [stows away on the spaceship, cutely]
[meanwhile, on the EVEN HUGER SPACESHIP]
Every Human: I am fat and ride around on a floating thing all day. Look how fat we are. Fat, fat, fat.
Wall-E: [follows Eve to the captain’s deck, adorably]
Jeff Garlin: Hey! You have a plant! Sweet! We can go home if we put the plant in the holodeck!
Autopilot: There is no plant. This unit is defective.
[Wall-E and Eve go to the robot hospital with all the defective robots and shenanigans ensue]
Alert Screen: CAUTION! ROGUE ROBOTS!!!
[Wall-E and Eve get shot out of the spaceship and fly around for like 10 minutes and then go back in]
Pixar Animators: We. Are. Sweet.
Jeff Garlin: The autopilot is trying to sabotage us!
[he walks and everyone is like WHOA because they have pretty much no bones]
Wall-E: [sacrifices himself for the good of all]
Eve: WALL-EEEEEEEEEEE!
[they go to earth in like 1 second]
Eve: [finds the parts to fix Wall-E because she loves him, though, again, they are ROBOTS]
Wall-E: [does not remember anything at first because he has a new motherboard but then he does and it is CUTE]
THE END
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Jurassic Park, Smiley Style
(Hammond) Hee hee! I cloned dinosaurs!
(Dodgson) We will steal the dinosaurs!
(Hammond) *invites a bunch of people to see dinosaurs*
(Tim) Ooh! *is knowledgeable*
(Malcom) We’re all going to die!
(Hammond) Nonsense! This island is perfectly safe!
(Nedry) *shuts down security systems* *dies*
(Tim) Oh. We’re lost. And the dinosaurs are loose.
(Lex) AAAAAH!
(Malcolm) *is attacked by Tyrannosaurous*
(Grant) Oh no! *escapes with Tim and Lex*
(Hammond) Nonsense! This island is perfectly safe!
*a bunch of people die and are eaten*
(Malcolm) Oh dear, I seem to be dying.
(Hammond) *dies*
(Tim) *fixes stuff*
(Malcom) I have died, but don’t worry! I come back to life in the next book!
The End
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19 – Malcolm died? Why don’t I remember that?
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Open Water:
couple: we’re happy in a coastal hotel
*they go on a diving trip*
*get left behind*
woman: oh noes
guy: oh noes
woman: oh noes
*this repeats for some time*
*they get eaten by sharks and die*
Most boring movie ever.
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19- i think it went like this:
T-Rex: Rwawr!
Malcolm: Uhm, I’m dyinnnnnnggggggggggggggggg.
Everybody Else: That’s sad.
[Time passes.]
Malcolm: Surprise! Thanks to a convinient plot device, I now live!
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Harry Potter 1
Harry: I’m so sad. The Dursleys are mean. *sulks*
Dudly: *eats*
Vernon: fawns over dudly
Dudly: *eats*
Harry: *sulks*
Hagrid: Yer ah wezerd herry
Harry: Ooh! Fun!!!!!
Ron: Blimy, Harry, Bloody hell! Blimy!
Hermiony: Y=mx+b ax+by=c The Square of the right hypotenuse… As I said on pages 1083, and 2967 on my short story for homework…
Ron: Blimy, Hermiony! You’re… well… uh… *swoons*
Snape: Hmm, Harry Potter, how I hate him.
Harry: *sulks*
Voldy/Querrel: Nyah-Ha-Ha-Ha … s-s-sorr-rry H-h-ha-har-ry… Die Harry Potter!!! Ow!!! stop poking me! Owwwwwwwww…
Urk.
Fang: *slobbers*
Dumbledore: *Confuses harry*
Hermiony: Bravo Harry, or as they would say in Frence… Latin… Chinese… Spanish… Italian… … …
Ron: *Swoons*
Hagrid: Cangrejalateans Herry!
Dead Querrel: Ababadadaba… th-th-thats a-a-all f-folks!
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sometimes I read trashy historical fiction and it all plays out the same way. here is the other boleyn girl, which I mostly skimmed, and I rarely do that
mary: <33 henry
henry: i sense pretty ladies
mary: but also I want to be queen
henry: what
anne: WAIT WAIT
henry: I sense pretty ladies
anne: W/E MONEY MONEY POWER NOM OM OM
*sexy times*
*court drama*
*birth of 24563798 illegitmate children, 95% girls*
*euphemisms and more sexy times*
mary: this kind of sucks
henry: also I am fat now
anne: ME ME ME ME ME
jane grey: WAIT WAIT
henry: I sense pretty ladies
etc etc etc
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HG2G:
Everyone dies. The end.
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Superman Returns:
Superman leaves Earth because he thinks Krypton could have survived. Except that it didn’t, so he comes back, but he’s gone for five years so everybody forgets him and Lois Lane marries somebody else. So he comes back just as Lex Luthor is using this freaky kryptonite stuff to cause blackouts. And there’s a really inaccurate scene with a space shuttle that’s piloted by Richard Branson (Yay Virgin Galactic!) which Superman saves. So Superman’s really depressed for a while, and in the meantime, Luthor kidnaps Lois and her son (Who’s really Superman’s son) and her son discovers he has superpowers. Luthor tries to make a continent out of kryptonite by throwing in in the ocean, but Superman comes and saves the day. And then he flies away up into space and we can still hear sound (?).
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Oh wow. I just lauged for like five minutes straight and got reprimanded by the librarian. The ahrry Potter one’s helarious. The Twilight ones also helarious although I think Beavo when you say Breaking Dawn you mean Eclipse but…I don’t know. And the Jurassic Park one was… uh I didn’t get it becuase I don’t understand Jurrasic Park. And here’s my Ultracondenced version of American Idol:
Ryan Secrest: (ominously) we start out with a dream. The dream to become the next (now happy and fun sounding) American Idol! (da da di da di da de da daaaaaa)
Ramdom people: Oh yeah everyone loves my sining La La LA (dies)
Paula:Oh beautiful darling, just work on your pulse rate and come back next year.
Randy: Yo dog, that was… cool dog. Maybe you could work on coreography more dog.
Simon: You sucked. (to security) Can we get a body bag please?
Another random person: La La La di diy da!
All: You’re going to hollywood.
Ryan: See you next time (too long pause) on American Idol
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Lord of the Flies
(Some boys crash on an island)
Ralph: We need a fire.
*They make a fire, and it goes out*
Ralph: We need a fire.
*They make a fire, and it goes out*
Ralph: We need a fire.
Jack: Forget the fire. Let’s kill each other.
Other boys: YEAH!
*They do*
The End
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21- I hate that movie. I thought the woman commited suicide in the end though? maybe I’m wrong. It’s been several years since I saw the film.
25-WHAT???? and her I was asuming they all lived.
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20- At the end, as they leave the island, there was a quick reference to him “not making it”.
25- Yes. Perfect. You nailed it. *grin*
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30 – Really? o.0 That is truly shocking.
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29 – No, I only saw part of it, but I think her husband died part way through, then they both sank and got eaten.
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Hasn’t ANYone read Lord of the Flies????
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33–yeah, I’ve read it….I think you condensed it quite nicely.
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34- Thank you. That’s pretty much all I got out of it. As my brother used to say when he was three,
“Fire bad.”
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I love what you guys have done with those stories. Hilarious.
The Odyssey Condensed
Telemachus: Crap, my father’s been gone for twenty years and there are a ton of my mother’s suitors in my house who all want to kill me. I’m going to go on a voyage and find out that my father’s being held captive by Calypso.
Odysseus: Oh look, Calypso finally let me go after seven years thanks to Hermes. I’ll build a raft and leave.
Poseidon: Oh no you won’t. -wrecks raft-
Odysseus: Now I’m on an island. Hey look, people! Take me to your leader.
Alcinous: I am the leader. Tell us of your exploits.
~flashback time~
Odysseus: I’m smart, brave and totally awesome. I just finished being at war for ten years and I want to go home.
Poseidon: Oh no you don’t.
Athena: Oh yes he does.
Odysseus: I’ve been driven off course by a storm. We’ll land at this island, where a bunch of my men will eat lotuses and go crazy! We’ll, um, leave them here. -sails more- Oh hey, another island.
Men: There’s a giant cave…
Odysseus: Let’s go in!
Polyphemus: Ha! Trapped you. I’m going to eat some of you now and then take a nap. -snore-
Odysseus: He’s asleep! Let’s stab him in the eye with a bit of wood!
Polypheumus: NOO, I AM BLIND! Kill him, Poseidon, my father!
Odysseus: Um. Oops. Well, we escaped! And look, it’s another island! Hey guess what, guys? A god put all the winds that will keep us from getting home in this bag! As long as we don’t open it we’ll get home really fast.
Men: Ha ha ha, he’s asleep now. Let’s open it. -blows ship a million miles away-
Odysseus: No! Now we can’t get another! Ah well, let’s go visit Circe! Crap, she just turned you into pigs. Ah well, she’ll fall in love with me and change you back, and we can stay there for a year. Wait, another year? Oops.
Circe: Go to Hades and ask the prophet how to get home.
Odysseus: Can do.
Tiresias: You go this way and then that way and don’t eat Helios’ cattle and watch out for Scylla and Charybdis and the Sirens.
Odysseus: Ok. -passes the Sirens- I want to go to the pretty singers!
Men: No. -Tie him up-
Odysseus: Thanks. Oh look, Scylla just ate six of you. At least we passed Charybdis safely. Let’s land on this island.
Men: Hey look, cattle! -eat-
Helios: Oh no you didn’t.
Men: -all die in shipwreck-
~end flashback~
Odysseus: And then I washed ashore on Calypso’s island and after seven years ended up here.
Alcinous: Ok, cool. We will give you passage home.
Odysseus: I’m home! Thank goodness! But oh no, only like one slave is still faithful to me. I’ll have to disguise myself as a beggar to see if my wife Penelope is still faithful to me. Even though I’ve slept with about nine trillion women on my voyage, it is imperative that she is.
Telemachus: Father???
Odysseus: Son! Hooray! -embrace- You must help me kill the suitors. Get all the faithful men to help me.
Telemachus: Sure thing.
Penelope: After procrastinating by weaving a shroud for about eight years, I’ve come up with this test to see who I’ll marry. You have to string my husband’s bow and shoot it through axles.
Suitors: -all try and fail-
Odysseus Disguised As Old Beggar: HA! -does it- -kills suitors-
Penelope: Oh Odysseus! You’re home!
Odysseus: At last! I’m home!
Ultra-Condensed Odyssey
Odysseus: I’ve just fought in the Trojan War, but I’m finally coming home. Oops, I just got in lots of trouble and all my men died, and it’s ten years later. But now I have a ride home!
Telemachus: Let’s kill the suitors.
Odysseus: -kills suitors-
Penelope: Hooray!
End.
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Dang, I just posted with my alter-ego. Now I can’t take credit for that one. And after so much work summarizing, too! Ah well, once I get unmasked. :K
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In the Preface to the flash fiction book I’m reading (Flash Fiction Forward — I highly recomment it), the author states that ANY story can be told in a simple sentence. Upon hearing this, many people don’t believe him and start rattling off books that couldn’t possibly told in a simple sentence. One such book is The Odyssey. His short sentence: “Guy comes home from work.”
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27-Yeah, I meant Eclipse. My bad.
Cloverfeild, condesnsed.
Monster: Rawr.
People: Ahh!
*some escape, some don’t*
Person: I love you!
Person: I love you too!
Monster: Rawr.
Fin.
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.LotR in one sentence:
Tiny man saves the world, but loses a finger.
Wizard of Oz:
There’s no place like home.
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Song of the Lioness Quartet: The First Adventure:
Alanna: I wanna be a night.
Thom: I wanna be a sorcerer. Unfortunately, we’re both going to a place that disgusts one of us, but is the other’s hope and dream.
Alanna: I know! We’ll switch places! *they do*
Coram: HOLY **** YOU’RE ALANNA!
Alanna: Yeah. And if you tell, I’ll use my magic on you.
Coram: Oh. I won’t tell.
*Coram and Alanna arrive at palace*
Alanna: Hi, George! You’re my friend, even though you’re the King of Thieves!
George: I can teach you cool fighting moves. *does so*
Jon/Gary/Raoul/Alex: Even though we’re older and bigger than you, we’ll take you under our wing.
Ralon: I don’t like you, Alan.
Alanna: I don’t like you either. *trains and becomes really good, after much beating up by Ralon*
Ralon: Rawr! *fights*
Alanna: *beats*
Ralon: *cries of shame* *slinks off*
Gary/Raoul/Alex: *becomes squires*
Jon: *becomes a squire later*
Sklaw: The rest of you pages- you’re wimps. You’ll never be good with a sword.
Alanna: Oh yeah? *trains* *beats someone*
Everyone: Wowsers. We won’t mess with Alan.
Alanna: Hehe. *makes friends with Myles, puberty starts, George finds out she’s a girl, gets Moonlight*
*Sweating sickness*
Alanna: I’m afraid of my Gift, so I won’t heal anyone. *friend dies*
*Jon gets it*
Alanna: Oh dang. *heals* *gets Lightning* *meets Roger*
Roger: Hi, everyone. *smiles*
Alanna: I don’t like you. *loathes*
Roger: Hey everyone, lets go to the desert! *takes them there* Now, DON’T go into the Black City! There are some guys who can’t be beat there, and they’ll eat your souls!
*that night*
Jon: Hey, Alan. C’mere.
Alanna: What?
Jon: Let’s go riding! *they do so*
Alanna: Hey, you tricked into the Black City! Whatever…
Ysandir: Rawr. We’ll kill you, stoopid mortals. *reveals Alanna’s a GIRL*
Jon: *surprised* Well, let’s keep fighting.
*they defeat the Ysandir*
Jon: Hey. Do you wanna be my squire, providing that I live through the Ordeal.
Alanna: *shrugs* Okay, whatever. BTW, your cousin’s evil.
Jon: No, he’s not.
End book one…
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(40) That might be a one-sentence summary of the movie version of “The Wizard of Oz.” In the Oz books, however, Dorothy returns to Oz as soon as she can, decides to stay, moves Aunt Em and Uncle Henry there, too, and none of them ever thinks about Kansas again.
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41: I read the books in 4th grade. Loved ’em; still reread Ozma of Oz time after time.
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I loved them, too, and I knew that their message was definitely NOT “there’s no place like home.” It was more like “Get out of Kansas. Move to the city (Emerald, in this case). Meet strange, eccentric, interesting people (Wogglebugs, et al.). Hang out with big shots (princesses) and become one yourself. Live in a palace. But stay decent, and keep having adventures.”
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44 – I read and really liked most of the Oz books, although the original characters kept getting more and more arrogant as they progressed.
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.42 – Should have specified that, sorry! The books are so crazy compared to the movie. I think I like them more, actually.
Incidentally, the making of the Oz movie is really fascinating. Did you know there were 12 pairs of ruby slippers made? And Debbie Reynolds probably has a lot of them, but she’s keeping quiet.
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I love the movie, too, but I’ve always kept it distinct in my mind from the books. It’s always seemed perfectly natural to me to appreciate both.
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These are to long:
Alanna Quartet:
A: I want to be a knight !
everyone else: You can’t be since you’re a girl.
A: Tough luck, I’ll be a knight anyway. Oh, and stay away from me why I grow up.
Roger: Muhaha ! I’m going to kill the King !
A: Not.
Roger: Well, at least I got your brother.
A: Never mind, he was freaking me out anyway (and he had no manners).
R: Oh.
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33 – As a matter of fact, yes.
Speaking of LOTF, can we please not speak about it? We were talking about the *mumbles words* the sow in English today, and it made the book the most disturbing I have yet read… and slightly ruined my life.
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An Ultra-Condensed Greek Myth.
Gods: We are awesome!!
Mortal: I am better than the gods!!
Gods: No, you are not!!
Mortal: I will prove that I am better than you! *outsmarts gods or challenges them to a contest*
Gods: We hate you now, so you will be punished by Hades in the underworld for all eternity!
Mortal: Oh noes!
Gods: Oh yes!! *evil laughter*
Moral of the myth: The gods are better then you.
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.48 – Immortals Quartet
Daine: I am extraordinarily gifted at talking to animals.
Numair: I am old enough to be your father, yet strangely attracted to you.
King and Queen: You two are the best! Come be at our court!
Kel Quartet (Protector of the Small):
Kel: I am unnaturally tall and unnaturally calm.
Nobles: You cannot be a knight because you are a girl!
Kel: *is a knight*
Nobles: Rats.
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50-very accurate………………….
The following isn’t mine. It is some random person’s. but i thought it was hilarious……………
The Works of Jane Austen
Female Lead Character: I am secretly in love with Male Lead Character, but he must never find out.
Male Lead Character: I am secretly in love with Female Lead Character, but she must never find out.
(They find out)
The End.
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Artemis Fowl series:
Opal Koboi makes a nefarious plot.
It gets thwarted.
The End.
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SFTDP–I just remember what I really wanted to post here.
Bunny Apocalypse:
The bunnies take over.
We fight them.
We win.
The bunnies come back.
(repeat until you collapse)
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1- My mom and I are in stitches.
42- I love how they totally screwed that whole shebang up in the movie.
50-
Condensed version of Atonement!
Robbie: Here, Cee, lemme break your pretty vase and tick you off.
Cecelia: AGH, you broke my vase and ticked me off! Now I shall strip to my underwear in front of you and dive into a fountain, so when I come out I will look naked!
Robbie: Ooo, you are sexy.
Briony: *gaspy gasp* Robbie forced my sis to strip for him!
Lola: I will now flirt with a man 20 years older than me!
Paul: Lola is a sexy beast… me Iikes her…
Robbie: Cee, I’m sorry about earli-let’s have sex in the library!
Cecilia: *has sex with robbie in library*
Briony: *gasp* Robbie attacked Cee!
Paul: *rapes Lola*
Briony: Robbie did it! Robbie did it!
Robbie/Cecilia: NOOOO!
Robbie: *is drafted*
Cecilia: *is nurse’d*
Briony: *is nurse’d*
Cecilia: *dies*
Robbie: *dies*
Briony: *feels guilty*
Condensed Twilight!
Bella: I think you’re hot, but you are creeping me out.
Edward: You smell pretty.
Jacob: He’s a vampire.
Edward: I vant to suck your bloooood!!!
Bella: I’m okay with that!
Edward: That’s good, because I’m madly in love with you.
Bella: Cool, I love you too!
James: GRAAA, I wants to eeeet you!!!!!!!!
Edward: Noes, Bella, noooooes!!!!!
Cullens: *kills james*
Edward/Bella: YAYYYYY!!!
Bella: Change me?
Edward: No.
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Hamlet:
Hamlet: ooh! Stupid Cladius killed my dad, and its not weird at all that I can see ghosts. *acts crazy; considers suicide; kills several people*
Hamlet: Die______! okay now that he’s dead… Die _____! okay now that he’s dead… *repeats*
Urk. *dies*
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53- You mean Book 2, Book 4 and Book 6. The odd-numbered books had different villains. *nitpick*
But yeah, I’m getting sick of her too.
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To save all the younger MBers the trouble of reading it, here is The Scarlet Letter:
Hester Prynne: I’m having an illegitimate child, but I won’t say who the father is.
Townspeople: Go away. We hate you.
The Reverend: Gah! So much guilt! Must confess!!
The Reverend’s other personality: No! Don’t!
The Reverend’s first personality: Yes! Do!
(repeat ad nauseam)
Townspeople: We changed our minds. We love you, Hester Prynne!
The Reverend: It was me!! *dies*
The End
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The Entire ‘Rocky’ Movie Series:
Rocky loses a fight, and an injury prevents him from ever fighting again. Then Rocky wins a fight, and an injury prevents him from ever fighting again. Then Rocky loses a fight. Then Rocky wins a fight. Then Rocky wins a fight, and an injury prevents him from ever fighting again. Then Rocky beats up some kids on the street.
Titanic (and this is pretty much all it is…)
Leonardo DiCaprio: Your social class is stuffy. Let’s dance with the ship’s rats and have fun.
Kate Winslet: You have captured my heart. Let’s run around the ship and giggle.
(The ship sinks.)
Leonardo DiCaprio: Never let go.
Kate Winslet: I promise. (lets go)
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The Cold War:
Russia: You guys are strange, so we don’t like you. So we’re going to compete with you in everything and stuff.
United States: You guys are strange, so we don’t like you either and we’re going to do the exact same thing.
Russia: ‘Kay. But watch out, because if you ever PO us too badly, we’ll blow you and all your little friends up, so take that!
United States: Well, we can blow the whole world up, so take THAT!
Russia: Well, we can blow up the world five times over!
United States: Oh yeah? We can blow up the world TEN times over!
Russia: Well, we can blow up the world FIFTEEN times over!
Both: Hey, wait, if you blow up the world once, it’s gone.
United States: Wanna be friends?
Russia: ‘Kay.
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Entire Twilight Series Ultracondensed:
Bella: I love you!
Edward: No, you don’t.
Bella: Yes, I do!
Edward: Well, I’m bad for you.
Bella: No, you aren’t!
Edward: Yes, I am.
-kiss-
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This is the perfect thread for the person who did the first six Harry Potter books in Muse Magazine. *hint hint*
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.Rocky Horror Picture Show:
Janet: I am a prude.
Brad: Yes, you are.
Dr Frankenfurter: You are all hot for me!
Janet: Yes.
Brad: Yes!
Rocky: I have a weird voice.
Dr. Frank: Everyone put on corsets!
Riffraff and Magenta: The Doctor is an alien. Let’s turn the castle back into a spaceship and go back to our home planet!
Janet and Brad: THE HECK?
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Ultracondensed Twilight I & II:
Bella: I am madly in love with you. I will hyperventilate and fall into a deep and angsty depression if you leave.
Ed: Don’t be silly, I won’t ever leave you.
*Leaves*
U.C. Hamlet:
Ghost: Claudius offed me by pouring poison down my ear. Kill him.
Hamlet: Ok, pops!
*Pretends to be crazy, because this is the traditional way to avenge a murder in Denmark*
Hamlet: I’ll kill hi–well, maybe I should–well here, let me–okay, now I–well–erm–I–drat. *Is all bitter and depressed*
Hamlet: Hey, it’s my old jester, Yorick. I think I’ll pick up his decomposing remains and converse with them.
Later:
Laertes & Hamlet: I hate you.
Laertes & Hamlet: I forgive you.
EVERYBODY DIES
The end.
And one last one…U.C. LOTR!
Frodo: Happy happy hobbit!
Gandalf: Stop that. Take this possessed ring and go on a really really long walk to Rivendell.
Frodo: Ok!
Elrond: I shall flare my nostrils at you. And raise my eyebrows. Ha! Oh btw, could you take that ring to Moria for me? K thx bye.
Frodo: I am being taken over by the ring. Let me roll my eyes back in my head and look constipated.
Gollum: Gollum.
Aragorn: I don’t want to be king because I’m all deep and sensitive and I’ll have to take baths.
Legolas: *I’m so pretty, oh so pretty, oh so pretty and witty and…*
Gimli: Grargh.
*Epic battle*
*Epic battle with GHOST PEOPLE and Aragorn doing the catwalk*
*Epic battle with dark creatures AND an exploding volcano.*
Frodo & Sam: gurgle
Frodo: Hey, I’m back in the Shire, like I’ve wanted to be for this whole time! I think I’ll leave to be with the elves.
Sam, Merry and Pippin: Waaaaaaaaaaah ok. See you.
THE END
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64) Finally someone else who dosn`t glorify elves !!!
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Twilight:
Bella: *moves to somewhere she hates* *pretends she likes it* *takes 200 pages to figure out that Edward’s a vampire*
Edward: *smells Bella* *wants to drink blood* Aaaah! *hides*
Bella: *is stupid*
Edward: *rescues*
Repeat several times.
Edward: Look, I’ve trained myself not to…
James: Hi, I’m a tracker and I want to drink Bella’s blood! *chases*
Fifty-plus pages of chasing.
Bella: *almost kills self* *gets bitten*
Cullens: *kill James*
Edward: *saves Bella again* *takes to prom for some odd reason*
Bella: I wanna be a vampire!
Edward: No.
New Moon:
Edward: I’ll never leave you.
Bella: OK!
Edward: I want you to be a normal human. *leaves*
Bella: *is depressed*
Jacob: Hi, I’m a hot Indian werewolf! I just fell in love with you, and now that I lost my competition, I…
Bella: *jumps off cliff*
Edward: *tries to kill self by provoking Volturi*
Bella: *chases* *saves* Can I be a vampire now?
Edward: No.
Eclipse:
Victoria: *stalks*
Jacob: Wahh, I’m jealous! I hate Edward!
Victoria: *dies*
Bella: Change me, please?
Edward: No. Marry me and I’ll think about it.
Bella: I’m too young to get married! Have sex with me and I’ll think about it!
Edward: No. *kiss*
Breaking Dawn:
Edward: *marries Bella*
Bella: Oh noes! I had unprotected sex with a vampire, and now I’m going to have a baby that will eat me! *has baby* *nearly dies* *becomes vampire*
Jacob: *sees baby* Eep, I just imprinted!
Renesmee: I can send pictures into people’s heads!
Bella: I’m a shield now! Woah, I’ve got great self-control!
All: Oh noes! Now everyone thinks Renesmee is an immortal child!
*training* *talking to Volturi* *everything is OK*
Weirdo Half-Vampire Person Whose Name I Don’t Remember: Hey look, I’m the same as Renesmee! I didn’t die! Yay, now Renesmee is going to be OK!
*they live happily ever after*
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STOP TALKING ABOUT BELLA AND EDWARD !
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67- I agree.
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67 – I just love mocking that series. 
H2G2:
(Arthur Dent) Freaky. Earth exploded.
(Ford Prefect) Let’s go gallivanting around space!
*they do*
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42- There’s no place like home until you have to go back?
44- Ahh.
I never did finish my condensation (haha) of Small Gods. I should get it from the library again…
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UC Things Fall Apart
Okonkwo: I hate my lazy father, so I will be powerful and cruel. *beats wife* *kills people*
Umuofians: You weren’t supposed to kill that last one. Go to your motherland.
Okonkwo: I hate it here.
Uchendu: Too bad.
Missionaries: Ha ha! We will come and ruin everything.
Okonkwo: Fight!
Other people: Let’s not
Okonkwo: Finally I get to go back to Umuofia where everyone’s manly.
Missionaries: Ha ha! We’ve ruined Umuofia even more.
Okonkwo: Fight!
Umuofians: No
Okonkwo: You’re sissies.
Christians: *cause more trouble*
Okonkwo: Fight!
Umuofians: Okay
Okonkwo: *dies*
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Ultra condensed Moby Dick, to save you having to read the book. Or, at least, the whole book.
Ishmael: Call me Ishmael.
Everyone: Ok.
Ishmael: I’m going to go whaling. Oh look, here’s a ship. *sets off on ship*
Captain Ahab: I’m going on this whaling voyage to kill a big whale called Moby Dick that bit off my leg. Are you with me?
Sailors: YES!
Narrator: Now I’m going to tell you all about the technical details of whaling that you never knew that you wanted to know.
Everyone: We don’t want to know.
Narrator: I’m going to tell you anyway. *Describes whaling in excruciating detail.
Sailors: We have a lot of whales, we don’t want to catch the big white whale any more. He might hurt us.
Captain Ahab : I don’t care! Mwa ha ha.
*Moby dick is sighted. And chased. And lost. x2*
*Moby dick is found and chased.”
Captain Ahab: AHHH. I’m dying! Oh well, at least I got the whale!
Ishmael: So, Captain Ahab and the whale both died. I’ve had enough of whaling, so I’m going to go again next year! Yay!
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SABRIEL
Abhorsen: I died.
Sabriel: Oh noes! *gets bells*
Mogget: BOO!
Sabriel: *Not scared by talking, slightly evil cat-thing*
Touchstone: Who am I?
Sabriel and Mogget: Dunno.
Abhorsen: I’m not dead!
Kerrigor: MUAHAHAHA!
Sabriel and Touchstone: *trounces*
Kerrigor: Nooooooooooooo… *dies*
Abhorsen: I died again.
Sabriel: Aw man, now I have to be the Abhorsen!
Mogget: *sleeps*
Touchstone: I LOVE YOU PASSIONATELY. LET US RULE THE OLD KINGDOM TOGETHER.
Sabriel: ‘Kay.
Sabriel and Touchstone: *makes babies*
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Almost Every Rap Song Ever, Ultra Condensed:
Rapper: I’m so cool, and I get girls, and all you haterz, suck.
The End
Harry Potter, Condensed:
Harry: *whine*
Voldy: *tries to take over the world*
Harry: *stops him, and has three kids*
Pretty Much Every Britney Spears Song:
Britney: I want sex. Yours. Now.
The Raven, by Edgar Allen Poe:
Dude: I’m so depressed and self-centered.
*sounds*
Dude: OMFG scary sounds.
Raven: Nevermore.
*something happens, but you don’t really know what*
The Pit and The Pendulum by Edgar Allen Poe:
Dude: What a scary room.
*bad things happen*
Dude: OMFG the French army saved me!
The Maelstrom, by Edgar Allen Poe:
Dude with White Hair: See how this water is calm?
Young Guy: Yeah.
Dude: Don’t be fooled. It’s a freakin monster.
Young Guy: *scared*
My Civics Textbook:
Writer: America is pretty cool.
I can’t think of any more.
PS. Please NO MORE TWILIGHT. It’s getting overdone.
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Hey, has anyone seen “Harry Potter in 5 seconds” on Youtube? Search exactly that and pick the first one. It’s hilarious.
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THE HISTORY OF THE HUMAN RACE:
Everyone: I’m gonna kill you! *does*
Everyone: I’m sorry! Let’s form an alliance! *breaks alliance*
(repeat as desired)
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75-I think the one on the Titanic is better.
“But this ship cannot sink!”
(it does)
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77- That’s better than I could have done it.
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Wuthering Heights:
Mr. Earnshaw: Look, I got a waif!
Hindley: I hate you. And him.
Cathy(I): I love him.
Heathcliff: I love Cathy and hate Hindley and tolerate Mr. Earnshaw. And I learned to speak English in like one day.
Mr. Earnshaw: Isn’t he the greatest? -dies-
Hindley: Look, I have a wife! Isn’t she the greatest?
Cathy+Heathcliff+everyone else: Not really…
Hindley: Yeah, well, you all suck. And I’m in a position of power SO THERE.
Joseph: -rants about God-
Edgar Linton: Ooh Cathy I’m in love.
Cathy: -gets manners-
Heathcliff: I will be good so that I can win Cathy over again. … On second thought, never mind. I’ll throw applesauce at Edgar instead.
Hindley’s wife: -has baby- -dies-
Hindley: I will drown my sorrows in alcohol and gambling.
Nelly: Fine then, I guess I’ll have to raise baby Hareton.
Edgar: Cathy, will you marry me?
Cathy: I love Heathcliff more, but he’s poor and you’re rich so sure! It’s not like being married to you means I can’t be with Heathcliff or anything.
Heathcliff: -runs away-
Cathy: OH NO! Where’s Heathcliff??? I’m going to make myself almost-fatally ill now! -does so-
Edgar: -in love-
-Three years pass-
Heathcliff: I’m back! And eviler than I was.
Cathy: OHMYGOSH!
Isabella Linton: Ooh Heathcliff, I’m so in love even though you’re evil I know you’re kind and benevolent under your cold hard exterior!
Heathcliff: Fine. -woos Isabella- You know I’m evil, right?
Edgar: Go away. Now.
Heathcliff: Fine.
Edgar: Cathy, you have to choose between Heathcliff and me.
Cathy: -gasp- NO! I can’t be with just ONE of you! I’ll make myself horribly ill! -does so-
Isabella: -elopes with Heathcliff- Wait…this is awful. Heathcliff isn’t kind and benevolent after all! Cathy was right! Whatever shall I do???
Heathcliff: Cathy, I love you, even though you have tortured me my entire life. But you’re frail and dying. I wish I could die too!
Cathy: I love you too, even though you’ve tortured me too.
-passionate embraces and weeping and accusations-
Cathy: -has a baby- -dies-
Nelly: -does something incredibly symbolic with hair-
Hindley: I’m going to kill Heathcliff! -tries- -fails- dies-
Isabella: I hate Heathcliff so I’m going to run away to London!
Well, I like Wuthering Heights too much to condense effectively, so I’ll stop there.
Ultra-condensed Wuthering Heights:
Cathy: I love Heathcliff.
Heathcliff: I love Cathy.
Hindley: I hate Heathcliff.
Heathcliff: I hate Hindley.
-Hindley’s wife has Hareton and dies-
Edgar: I love Cathy.
Cathy: I love Edgar, but I love Heathcliff more. -marries Edgar-
Heathcliff: I hate Edgar. -runs off-
Isabella: I love Heathcliff. -elopes with Heathcliff-
Heathcliff: I hate Isabella.
-Cathy has Catherine Linton and dies-
-Isabella has Linton Heathcliff and dies-
-Hindley dies of alcohol poisoning-
Cathy 2: I love Linton.
Linton: I love Cathy…sort of. I hate my dad. And Hareton.
Hareton: I love Cathy. I hate Linton.
Heathcliff: I hate everyone.
-Edgar dies-
-Cathy marries Linton, who dies-
-Heathcliff dies-
Cathy: I love Hareton.
Lockwood: That was weird. -leaves-
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Bible:
God: Let’s Make people!
God: You are evil! (Kills people)
God: Here are some laws!
God: More Evil! (Kills people)
God: I’m nice now! And I have a son!
Jesus: Love your neighbor!
Paul: I write alot
John: Beware the end of days! (!!!!!!!THEROMENEMPIREISBAD!!!!)
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75 – Well, I just looked it up. It’s funny.
Dumbledore: And that kind of act leaves a mark, but this mark cannot be seen.
Harry: What is it?
(Video clips of Harry doing violent, angry things)
Dumbledore: Love.
Except it’s actually 18 seconds. I counted.
A funny related video was “Titanic in 5 seconds”.
Random Person: But the ship cannot sink!
(Video clip of the ship sinking)
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Prophecy of the Stones Condensed:
Jade: I’m rich, conceited, and flirtacious.
Amber: I love life! I’m too nice!
Opal: *Is Icy*
*All of them meet at night*
Jade: I hate Opal! Amber’s okay.
Opal: *Fumes at Jade*
Amber: *Cries*
Opal: *Is Telepathically Attacked*
Amber: *Cries More*
*They Go to a City*
Jean Losserand: You have to go to magical Fairytale.
Adrien: Revolution! Yeah!
Opal: *Swoons at Adrien*
*Battle*
Opal: *Is Stabbed* *Dies*
Adrien: I love you!
Death: I’m on strike ’cause no one appreciates me. She can live!
Jade, Opal, Amber: Let’s go on an adventure!
Amber: *Cries*
Meanwhile…
Nameless One: I have no name. *Kills Stuff*
Elfrohys: You’re the chosen one!
Sorcerer of Darkness: No, you’re not!
Nameless One: *Is Sad*
Elfrohys: *Leaves*
Meanwhile…
Jade, Opal, Amber: *Fight*
Janelle: I’m the avatar of hatred! *Laughs*
Oonogh: I’m a little baby Oracle/Wizard. *Recites Prophecy* Go to Thaar. And Death.
Death: I’m an anorexic woman. Aren’t I underappreciated?
Amber: *Cheers up Death*
Death: Okay. I’ll kill more stuff.
Jade, Amber, Opal: *Go to battleville*
Amber: the Nameless One is the Chosen One. *Falls in Love*
Nameless/Chosen One: *Falls in Love with Amber*
Opal: Our gift is Hope!
Jade: Oh noes! I don’t want to betray you!
Amber: *Cries*
*They go to Thaar*
Thirteenth Councelor: Mwahahahahaha! You’re gonna lose!
Jade: We have to sacrifice ourselves!
Jade, Opal, Amber: Oh noes! Oh well! *Die*
Jade, Opal, Amber: Wait! We’re not dead!
Good Guys: We won!
*Love* *Peace* *Hope*
The End
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62- Did you do those? Because I typed them out and they’re hanging on my Wall of Amazingness now.
Condensed Version of Every Rap Song Ever Written (This will save you a lot of time)
*obnoxious beat*
Rapper: Yo ma homies in then club I see tu ***** I wanna **** her real bad you know I do my drugs in the club while ma ******s and ma homies are all like WHUT yeah yeah sex sex swear swear drugs drugs sex sex…
Female Singer: Ooo, you sexy thang…
Every Britney Spears Song Ever Written (again, a real time saver!)
Britney: SEX ME RIGHT NOW OR I WILL DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (sexsexsexsexsexsexsex)
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62 – You wrote those?
I love the Lion King 5-Second Movie.
Simba: Dad, we’re pals, right?
Mufasa: Right.
Simba: And we’ll always be together, right?
-cut to clip of Mufasa falling and screaming-
…HAKUNA MATATA!
The first time I saw that one I was horrified and was thinking, “This is so sad! How is this funny!?” …And then the credits music (Hakuna Matata) came on and I started laughing so hard at the contrast.
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62 – You wrote those? They’re flamablamablous! *bows* My regards.
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The Discworld Series:
Rincewind: I really should die, but somehow I never do. Hey, is that a pretty lady over there?*loses control*
Death: I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR. *proves it*
Wizards: The Lore! The Lore is Important!
Someone who wants to be a wizard: Phooey!
*magical war*
Someone: Hey, is that another apocalypse-causing thingy over there?
Everyone: Oh Noes!
Rincewind: *crashes in* Oops! Oh, here, Librarian, have a banana!
Librarian: Ooook.
Rincewind: *saves everybody* Crap. Why am I still alive?
Everyone: Because you believed!
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33) I did. It was really depressing, though I need to point out that there were no girls on the island (they would have been smarter).
77) Cool.
Harry Potter 6 and 7:
6:
Dumbledore: Now I’m going to tell you all sorts of stuff about Voldemort.
Harry: Sure, go ahead.
Hermione, Ron & Co. : We are sooo bored that we’ve become 2-D. At least we’ll be “of age” soon.
Dumbledore: Harry, to end this class (and my life) let’s go on a field trip where V.murdered a poor innocent fellow orphan. Because you’re still really immature, we can use a magical boat !
Harry: Super ! Let’s go ! Oops, someone has torched the school in our absence. let´s go to the creepy tower where they’ll be waiting for us !
D: Okay. I’m dying anyway. (dies)
Harry: No fair ! You were supposed to kill V.for me !
( D. doesn’t answer because he’s dead)
Harry: *pouts*
Harry: If I have to kill V., then I won’t bother going to school. Instead, I’ll heroically get rid of the h-thingys and kill V.
Ron: Yeah, whatever.
Hermione: *bails everyone out when Harry screws up*
Harry: The death eaters got me, so I’ll just play dead.
*fights V. and wins*
Hermione: Couldn’t you have done that, like, & books earlyier ? What a waste of paper ! You only got lucky anyway ! But I guess I’ll just worshipp you like the rest of the people and let you give your kids horrible names. Aren’t we a few people short ?
Ron: Yes; Tonks, Lupin, Moony and one of my twin brothers.
Harry: Guys, I’M A HERO !
R & H: We know, we know !
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41, 48, 51) I so dearly hope you guys aren’t making fun of Tamora Pierce’s books because then I’d have to super pie you.
Here is my ultra condenced Sandry’s Book (not meant meanly)
*niko finds everyone*
Moonstream:Bad kids! Go to dicipline.
Rosethorn/Lark: You are here because you fit no where else.
*got to market* *get in fight* *learn that they have magic*
Sandry: I sorta knew *describes cellar*
Brair: Uhhh woah
Daja: But the Mimanders never knew!
Tris: EARTHQUAKE!! *earhtquake*
*several weeks/months later*
All: No no! Come back little bear.
*follow little bear into cave*
Tris: Oh crap. EARTHQUAKE!!! *earhtquake* *all get trapped* *Tris tries to hold it up* *so does Daja and Brair*
Sandry: thread are stonger when spun together! *spins their magic together* *Daja and tris make Suraku* *SAndry and Brair weave roots around suraku* *Niko rescues all*
All: Wow we can speak in our heads.
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86- That’s only the first three books. Read the others. They’re much better.
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I adore Tamora Pierce, though I admit to having made fun of her (a bit). Everything need to be made fun of a bit (except Star Wars)
Eragon: Hey guys, I’m a rider !
Everyone else: We know, thats why we’ve been trying to kill you/teach you to fight/influence you/save your life.
Eragon: Oh. I guess that makes sense.
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90) star wars is actualy quite fun to make fun of. I guess so is Tamora Pierce.
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28- that made me laugh out loud.
42- I really want to read those books, but somehow have never wuite gotten around to it.
49- I skimmed that part. piggy’s death was the worst of the human deaths.
Passhendael (themovie) condensed:
Paul Gross: I am in love with you
Female: I have a heroin addiction
Gross: that’s cool.
Female: It’s your fault my brother joined the army.
Gross: I will go through that hell again because I love you.
Female: I was wrong. *becomes a nure again*
*sexyness and war*
Female: I think you’re forgetting the rule!
*everyone in the theater either laughing or sobbing*
I know none of you have seen it, but that’s beside the point.
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. Firefly:
Mal: I am an outlaw space pirate with bad grammar.
River: I can kill you with my brain.
Crew: Uh? WTF?
Simon: This must be what going mad feels like.
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Condensed Version of some threads on MB:
Religion
MBer 1: Religion X says this!
MBer 2: Oh yeah, well religion Y says this!
MBer 1: You Suck!
Mber 2: No, you suck!
Welcome Neophytes
MBer: Hi neophytes! remember this and this and this and this and this and this and this and this and this and this and this and this and this and this and this…
(no newbies appear)
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94–you forgot the key feature of the Welcome Neophytes thread. After “(no newbies appear)” comes, “conversation goes off on random tangents, while GAPAs beg us endlessly to shut up and go away until ‘phytes appear.”
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Gone With The Wind (not mine, but still funny):
Everyone: Looks like war, Ms. Scarlett.
Ms. Scarlett: Well, fiddle dee dee!
(War happens)
The BIble:
(God makes things happen that don’t turn out right)
God: Love thy neighbor.
(nobody does)
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Amahl and the Night Visitors (which I’m in, BTW):
Amahl’s Mom: Amahl! Get in here!
Amahl: *argues* *comes in* *is crippled*
Amahl’s Mom: What were you doing out there?
Amahl: There was this star, and-
Amahl’s Mom: Shut up. You lie too much. We’re really poor! Wahh!
*they go to bed*
Kings: *knock* Hi, um, we know it’s kinda one in the morning but can we sleep here?
Amahl: Mom, there’s [a king] [two kings] [three kings] outside!
Amahl’s Mom: Shut up. *sees kings* Ahh!
Amahl: See? I was right! AND I was right about the star! *asks kings a billion questions*
Amahl’s Mom: I TOLD you not to be a nuisance!
Amahl: But they kept asking me questions!
Amahl’s Mom: Go get the shepherds. *he leaves* So who’s this kid you’re looking for? *listens* Oh, that sounds like Amahl!
Shepherds: Hi! Somehow we’re awake, even though it’s four in the morning! *give gifts* *do dance* *leave*
Amahl: Hey, kings, do you have anything that would cure a crippled boy?
Deaf King: Eh?
Amahl: Never mind… *goes to bed*
Amahl’s Mom: Look at that gold! I’m going to steal some! *steals*
Page: HEY! *grabs*
Amahl: HEY! *beats up with crutch*
King Melchior: Aw, keep it, Jesus doesn’t need it.
Amahl: Hey Mom, can I give him my crutch?
Amahl’s Mom: NO!!!
Amahl: *walks* Hey, I’m walking! *skips* Can I go with the Kings?
Everyone Else: IT’S A MIRACLE!!
Amahl’s Mom: What? Oh, sure.
Amahl: OK, bye! *leaves*
*too much music*
The End
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Rainbow Connection:
(Kermit): I’m questioning life and everything that we believe in. With a banjo!
The Muppet Movie:
(Kermit): I’m trying to get to California to be in showbiz! *picks up everyone else*
(Doc Hopper): I will use you to advertise my Frog Legs chain! Consent, or I will kill you!
(Kermit): Heck no!
(Animal): *becomes huge*
(Bad guys): *scream* *run*
(Everyone): Yay! We’re famous!
The End of the World:
(Skeeter Davis): I’m depressed after you left me. Boohoo.
Summer in the City:
(whatshisface): It’s hot.
Aquarius:
(People): Let’s be hippies!
Girlfriend:
(Avril Lavigne): Get rid of your ******* girlfriend!
I have nothing better to do, anyway.
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Laguna Beach (or the Hills)
girl 1: OMG WTF?
girl 2: I know, right? Totally.
(repeat until brain dies of exhaustion)
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18- i love it “Every Human: I am fat and ride around on a floating thing all day. Look how fat we are. Fat, fat, fat.”
96- that is really funny,not because it is liike gone with the wind(ive never read it) but because thiere is this one teacher at my school who says “well fiddley dee” a lot and it is hilarious
now for the bits of the dick and jane version of hamlet.
see hamlet run
run hamlet run
he is running to his mother’s room
hamlet likes his mother very much
hamlet likes his mother very very much
maybe hamlet like s his mother a little too much
*stuff that i forget happns*
stab, hamlet stab,
(pronounced stab-a)
*more stuff happens*
see them all woouunded, andd bleeeeding and dyyyiiing and dead.
what fun they are having.
don’t you wish you could have fun like that too?
(there might be a couple othe rlines that i dont remember)
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64-I love the LOTR one!!!!! I think that’s the first Quick Read that has really made me laugh out loud!!
75-I looked it up. My mom and I were dying of laughter.
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64 – I just saw the LOTR one! FLAMABLAMABLOUS! That has made me laugh, despite the horrible weather (it’s snowing harder).
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A Two Hour Conversation Between Friends:
Karla: You should go on a date with Austin.
Vildana: Yeah.
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*dies of laughter*
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The
Condensed Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets: Part One.
Dursleys: *are mean to Harry*
Harry: I want to go to Hogwarts. *mopes*
Dursleys: Go to your room!
Dobby: *bows* *bows* bows* Don’t go to Hogwarts! *beats himself up*
Harry: But I want to go to Hogwarts!
Dobby:*bows* *bows *bows*Then Dobby must take drastic measures. *levitates pudding*
Dursleys+ Masons: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh! Levitating puddings!
Ministry of Magic: You’re expelled!
Dursleys: We will lock you up in your room for the rest of your life!
Weasleys: We stole a magic car! Hop in.
Dursleys: Oh no you don’t!
Weasleys: *fly car away*
Dursleys: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Mrs. Weasley: *is mad at Weasley brothers*
Ministry of Magic: Because you’re Harry Potter, we will let you come back to Hogwarts.
Harry:Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!
Weasleys: We’re going shopping for school supplies.
Lucius Malfoy: You’re poor, Mr. Weasley.
Mr. Weasley: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr *attacks Lucius*
Lucius: *Slips Voldemort’s Diary of Doom into bag*
Dobby: *Potterproofs Platform 9 and 3/4*
Harry:I can’t get through!
Ron: Lets take the Flying Car!!!!!
*They fly to Hogwarts*
Car:* runs out of fuel over the grounds*
Whomping Willow: *whomps*
Harry/Ron: Owwwwwwwww
Snape: *is mad*
McGonnagal: *rescues, then is mad*
Lockhart: Hi! I’m vain, idiotic, and dishonest to boot, and now I will be your professor!
Hermione: *swoon*
Harry/Ron/Hermione: *have many unimportant adventures*
Harry: *is good at Quidditch*
Harry: *breaks arm*
Lockhart:*removes bones from arm*
Arm: *heals*
Basilisk: *freezes unfortunate cat*
Filch: *sob* I am so sad my cat is petrified, I will take it out on Harry!
Basilisk: *freezes some people*
Harry: I bet Malfoy is the heir of Slytherin! Lets become Crabbe and Goyle!
Hermione: *is clever*
Harry/Ron:*drinks potion**becomes Crabbe/Goyle*
Hermione: *becomes cat*
Harry/Ron: So, Malfoy, who do you think is the heir of Slytherin?
Malfoy: For the last time, I DON’T FREAKING KNOW!
Harry/Ron: Oh…right.*tries to slip away*
Malfoy: Why is your hair turning red?
Lockhart:Lets have a dueling class!
Malfoy:*Sics serpent on Harry*
Harry: Hssssssssssssssssss!
Serpent*goes away*
Ministry of Magic: Hagrid is the heir of Slytherin!*arrests*
Harry/Ron/Hemione: Gasp!
Hermione: *is frozen*
Harry: Look at this slip of paper in Hermiones hand! It says something abaot basilisks!
Ron: I bet it’s a basilisk that froze Hermione.
Heir of Slytherin: Ginny has been taken into the Chamber of secrets!!!!!!!
Proffesers: Right, Lockhart, Show your stuff!!!!!
Lockhart: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…
*retreats to office*
Harry and Co.: *tracks down Lockhart*
Lockhart: I am actually a fraud! I never actually vanquished any of the monsters I said I did! Now I must put a memory spell on your minds and claim responsibility for your brave deeds!
Harry/Ron/Hermione: *Stuns*
Lockhart: gurgle
Harry:Hssssssssssssssssssss!
Faucets: *open trapdoor into Chamber of Secrets*
Tom Riddle: *Gives creepy soliquay*
Harry: Help me get out of this place!
Tom Riddle:Why would I do that? I am Lord Voldemort! *does weird letter-rearranging trick*Muahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaa! I tricked Ginny into trusting me, then hyponotized her into killing chickens and painting graffiti on walls. Here, basky basky basky…
Basilisk: *comes**tries to kill Harry and Co.
Dumbledore:*sends Fawkes and sorting hat to Harry*
Basilisk: *bites Harry*
Fawkes: *cries in wound*
Wound:*heals miraculously*
Harry: Reaches into Sorting Hat* *grabs Sword of Gryffindor**kills basilisk**kills evil diary holding manifestation of Voldemort/Tom Riddle with Basilisk fang**rescues Ginny**flies up the slope he slid down hanging on to Fawkes*
Dumbledore: Congratulations, Harry! You are a True Griffindor!
Lockhart: *is EXTREMELY confused*
Malfoy: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Hagrid: Howdy, y’all! Ahm back from Azkaban! The dementors din’t even drive me madder!
Malfoy: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
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And the ultra condensed version:
Basilisk:*petrifies people*
Harry: *kills basilisk and destroys evil diary-horcrux-manifestation-of-Voldemort
Dumbledore: Congratulations! You are a true Gryffindor.
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95- Yes yes can’t forget that.
104- Isn’t supossed to be condenced. Although mine was probably long too sooo…. nevermind.
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There have been two versions of “The Lady or the Tiger?” on the blog:
https://musefanpage.com/blog/?p=887#comment-84
and
https://musefanpage.com/blog/?p=1461#comment-86
I think we all agree about it, “The Monkey’s Paw,” and “The Most Dangerous Game.” I had to read them when I was in school and am astonished that they’re still being taught. Maybe it’s because their copyrights have expired, so textbooks can reprint them free.
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We just had to read “The Lady Or The Tiger?” in school.
Princess: Hm … do I let the man I love marry another woman and live a long, happy life with her; or feed him to a tiger? *makes choice*
Reader: So? What does she pick?
Narrator: Not going to tell you. 
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102- what is wrong with you?!?!?!?! i live the snow! i wish it would snow lots though i agree yesterday was a bit too cold. but the ultracondensed lotr was simply grand. like this snow. it is quite cozy. unless it is gluing you eyes shut like it was today at skiing.
ultracondensed “the most dangerous game”
rainsford: oh, im a si=upercool hunter dude but i fell off my boat and i swam to a supposedly bad island and i found a house. i think i’ll ring the doorbell.
zaroff: oh my, is that really rainsford? i have read all your books and i think you are just as ood a hunter as me! lets go hunt and kill sailors togeter because we are criminally insane!
rainsford:never!
zaroff: okay but i will have to hunt you instead. you get a head start. on your mark get set go
rainsford: oh dread. *hides in tree*
zaroff: i see you but i wont kill you now. i will save you for hunting later
rainsford: *builds traps to kill ivan and hunting dog
zaroff: oh dread. but i shall kill you as well. muahahah! *chases rainsford off cliff
rainsford: *swims around to shore, hides in zaroffs bedroom with a sword
zaroff: how did you get here?
*they have a swordfight and rainsford wins and feed zarroff to the dogs.
the end
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107–yeah, that was a rather pointless story…..I had to read it for one of my lit courses in middle school/early highschool. Along with some other equally weird/boring/annoying stories. Such as “the Lady and the Tiger”. Or whatever it was called…..And “Great Expectations”
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The Monkey’s Paw
Old guy: It’s a shriveled hand. If you wish on it bad things will happen.
Family: Yeah, right.
-bad things happen-
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110– . Although, i would suggest the following modification:
Old Guy: It’s a shriveled hand. If you wish on it bad things will happen.
Family: Yeah, right. *wishes upon hand*
-bad things happen-
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108- -glares- -twitches- Don’t insult Dickens. The only advantage Harry Potter has over Great Expectations is you don’t have to read HP for school. That and there’s more of it.
I never had to read “The Monkey’s Paw” or “The Lady or the Tiger?”, but I did read “The Most Dangerous Game” and “The Cask of Amontillado.” I liked them both fairly well, although I infinitely prefer the latter. There was also another one about a sniper who killed some guy, who may or may not have been his brother, I can’t remember very well. And “The Necklace.” Actually, I like all the short stories we read. The only trouble was that our class moved v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y so we took like two days to read one short story.
We also read Romeo and Juliet.
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The Cask of Amontillado:
One guy: I have wine…
Other guy: Cool. Can I have some?
First guy: Sure. -entombs his friend alive-
The Necklace:
Mme: I just lost my friend’s priceless diamond necklace. Whoops. I think I’ll lie about it for years and become Destitute.
-years later-
Friend: It was only paste…
The Most Dangerous Game:
Zaroff: I hunt people.
Rainsford: Scary.
Romeo and Juliet:
Romeo: I’m in love with a girl but she doesn’t love me. Wait…the daughter of my mortal enemy is prettier.
Juliet: Let’s get married.
Romeo: OK.
-they marry-
Romeo: I just killed your cousin and got banished.
Juliet: And I’m engaged. Oh woe!
Friar: Hmm…let’s create a complex plan that involves you pretending to be dead and then not tell Romeo.
Juliet: OK.
Romeo: Juliet’s DEAD? -kills self-
Juliet: -wakes up- Romeo’s DEAD? -kills self-
Friar: Whoops.
Parents: Let’s be friends.
To Kill a Mockingbird:
Atticus: I stand up for what is right. Don’t kill mockingbirds.
Scout, Jem, and Dill: Let’s pester Boo Radley!
Tom (symbolic mockingbird): -is killed-
Boo Radley: -rescues Jem and Scout-
Heck Tate: Don’t kill mockingbirds.
Jem, Scout, and Dill: -come of age-
A Christmas Carol:
Scrooge: I hate Christmas.
Spirits: Are you sure about that?
Scrooge: -undergoes drastic and unrealistic character change- I love Christmas!
Tiny Tim: -is insipidly angelic-
Alice: I thought better of you, Dickens.
Great Expectations:
Pip: I love life!
Estella: You’re common.
Pip: I hate life.
Mr. J: You’re rich.
Pip: Yay! -is a jerk to his childhood friends-
Convict: I made you rich.
Pip: -flabbergasted-
Estella: I’m getting married to your mortal enemy!
Pip: I love you, Estella!
Miss Havisham: She broke his heart! What have I done? -dies-
Pip: Sorry everyone. I’ll be a better person now.
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112–*throws up hands in surrender* you’re right–I might have actually enjoyed Great Expectations if it hadn’t been for the fact that it was required reading. We shall never know.
I don’t think Monkey’s Paw was ever required reading for me, but I did read during the time frame when I was a huge fan of scary stories.
Hmmm, yeah I had to read The Cask of Amontillado also (same oit course as Lady or the Tiger, Dangerous Game, Romeo and Juliet–in confusing oldish english with lots of footnotes [not actual old english, but it was not modern englihs, and I confess I got rathe rlost in spots], and Great Expectations). I didn’t care for it all that much, but I think part of that might ahve been I was delaying reading it, so I read little bits at a time, interspersed with much day dreaming and sleeping, and so I got really lost and never quite understood it. So, yeah.
Also, I’m just not a big fan of books that are required reading. Basically, if you take a book and say you have to read it for school, it becomes unenjoyable. It’s gotta be psychological or something. I had this issue with LOTR. it was fine when I read it as an 11/12 year old for fun, but when I had to read it for a lit class spring semester of senior year……I avoided reading it at all costs. I mean, literally. Durig that semester I was in a car for 6 hrs straight visiting colleges, but did I read LOTR (which if it had been a pleasure book, I would’ve)? No, instead, I spent 6 hrs in a car, with nothing better to do than read, and managed to do everything but read. Needless to say, my mother wasn’t very thrilled…..I was kinda behind with school. [story of my life]
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113–ohhh, yes. I had to read The Necklace in the same lit course, too. It hadn’t clicked that that was the story you were talking about…..
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The Magic Tree House (every book) :
Jack and Annie: We have a strange feeling we need to go to this place/time, to find something. *go*
Random Person: Here’s the thing you need. And some convenient educational facts about this place/time.
Jack and Annie: Thanks. *go back*
Morgan le Fay: Foolish mortals. Can’t you see it’s really the Homicidal Tree House, and I’m trying to kill you by sending you to all these dangerous places? But you keep surviving. Hmph.
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116–wait. She’s trying to kill them? I thought they were supposed to be saving her….I never did finish all of ’em though, I grew out of them (and can now read one in like ten minutes or less–they’re very short). ok, that’s probably an exaggeration, but still.
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116- Hey, I LIKE that series!
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118–I always kinda liked it to. At least when I was younger. It was one of my favorite series as a kid (Goosebumps, fear street, boxcar children, Hardy boys, and Magic Treehouse–oh, and of course Dr. Seuss), but i imagine ti would be a bit of an easy read now (although probably still enjoyable during a time of boredom–I think I read one ay ear or two ago and enjoyed it fairly well)……
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100-Hamlet talks to a ghost.
Ophelia:Hamlet, are you schizophrenic?
113-I had to read The Cask of Amontillado in English class about a month back. I only have one comment:Edgar Allan Poe is messed up.
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Oedipus Rex:
Oedipus: Oh noes my citty be screwed tha f*** up!
Oracle: Guess what, sicko! You killed your dad and then married your mom and the only way to save your city is get the hell out of it!
Oedipus: That can’t be true!!!!!!!!
*It is. Woe is everyone.*
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116- Concidentally (and I don’t know if I’m allowed to say this), my name is Annie, and my brother’s name is Jack. Those were our absolute favorite books because he loves books and I love animals. And books. We had a tree house in our backyard and would always go read the MTH books up there. Ah, good times…
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107 – *shakes head sadly* You should go to Hawaii. Fabulous weather.
122 – REALLY??? Jack and Annie. Huh.
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Don’t Trust Me, by 3Oh!3:
Band: Girls are untrustworthy.
My “Becoming a Vegeterian” book:
Haha, everyone is fat!
Cinderella: I’m poor and my stepsisters order me around but I’m still happy and prettier than them.
Prince: You are so hot.
Cinderella: *loses her shoe*
Prince: *gives shoe back*
(they get married)
(stepsisters die on hot coals)
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Of Mice and Men-
Lenny: Rabbits, George?
George: BANG! *shoots lenny*
A Midsummer Nights Dream
Demetrius: I love you Hermia!
Lysander: I love you Helena!
Hermia: I love you Lysander!
Helena: I love you Demetrius!
Oberon: Heh. Idiots.
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But speaking of classic kids stories, I also loved the Bernstein bears. Such as…
The Bernstein Bears Get The Gimmies-
Brother and Sister: Gimme this thing.
Papa: Ok, here. Why do you keep throwing temper tantrums?
Mama: Because you give in, stupid.
The Bernstein Bears and Too Much Birthday-
Sister: Boo hoo. We’re having too much fun.
Papa: It’s ok, honey. Have some presents.
(Bernstein Bears) The Spooky Old Tree-
*The Bears explore a spooky old tree, and they get the SHIVERS*
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104-Wow. That was really good!! I love how his wound get a part!
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Hercules (the real one, not the disnified one.)
Zeus: Even though I’m married to Hera, I will go have a kid, who probably will feel Hera’s angry wrath later on.
Hercules: ooo, fuhnee snakey *strangles*
Hercules: I’ll go get married to some lady.
Hera: *angrily drives Hercules insane to get back at Zeus*
Hercules: Must kill… must kill…
Hercules’s wife and many kids: urk.
Hercules: oops. sorry guys…
Oracle of Delphi: *is vague*
Unpronouncably named king guy: Kill the lion.
Hercules: so… its dead. Oh! I know! I’ll go slice it open with its own claws and wear its corpse as a cloak without tanning it or anything.
Hercules: Die, Hydra!
Take that, Boar! I
‘ll outrun you, deer… thing…
Ooh, nice apples, thanks, Atlas.
Eww, poo stables!
Ha! Got you, fire breathing cow thing!
Be tamed, man eating horses!
Good doggy, cerebrus!
Hi… Hypolyte… this is akward, but I need to steal your belt… sorry…
Stuped Birds!
Stupid Geryon, I need your cattle!
Weird unpronouncable king guy: Wow…
Hercules: I know, I’m great! *is vain, having barely any brains, but lots of brawn*
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I’m the sort of person who makes weird commitments. One of those commitments is to read every MTH book that comes out.
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117 – No, I just made that up.
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130–ah. gotcha.
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125- No, wait, that’s not right… Lysander loves Hermia, not Helena. Except for the short space of time in which he loves Helena due to magic. But ultimately he loves Hermia.
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All greek myths:
Gods: Nananana, we’re gonna start a fight !
Greek guys no1: We hate you !
Greek guys no2: We hate you more !
Greek guys no1: We hate you the most !
Helpful god no1: Umm, guys, you’re supposed to get out your swords & spears & weapons of mass destruction now and make HPB food out of each other.
Both sides: Oh, that’s what these things are for !
(gods unleash various monsters, pretty demigodesses et cetera)
Smart godess : Guys, this is getting boring. I’ll help one side so that it’s finally over. Eny, meeny, miney MO ! (helps GG1)
greek guys no1 : Yes ! The gods really like us !
Gods: Nanananana, we’re gonna start (another) fight.
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132- Oops. We had to read the book in english in 7th grade and I forgot some minor details.
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I just posted this on Muser Parodies, but I feel like doing it here too.
I hated this book!!!! My teacher made me find all the “deeper understandings” of it. It is called Sees Behind Trees
Walnut: I am a native american boy with a weird name. I am also very nearsighted. I have to shoot mossout of the sky with a bow and arrow to become an adult. I have really good hearing though.
Walnuts mom: I changed the test for you. Now you just have to listen to the forest and say what you hear.
Sees Behind Trees: (Walnut) Now that I passed the test I get a new name, and it is even weirder than the last one.
Gray Fire: In my youth I found this really beautiful place and got my toes stuck, so I had to cut them off. Now I can’t find my way back to the place I cut off my toes in. Now I will spare telling you about all the corny stuff he says about finding his heart.
Sees Behind Trees: I will help you find this place with my super hearing.
*they leave*
Sees Behind Trees: I found it!!!
Gray Fire: Now I can magically run again even though I am missing my toes. I think I will go and be killed be some mysterious thing the author never says what it is.
Sees Behind Trees: Nooooooooooo!!!!!!! Oh well. Now I am reallly a man because I took this journey, not because of some name. I had trouble finding my way home, but I got there and learned that Gray Fire’s sister was the person who trapped him. You know, the funny thing is, I never really mourned Gray Fire in this entire book. Oh well.
The author of this book commited suicide. Great choice for a reading unit. (sarcasm)
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Flowers for Algernon (although this is actually an awesome book):
Charlie: I want to be smart!
*Becomes smart*
*Crashes and burns*
Charlie: Well that was a stupid idea.
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136–wait–I think I read that book. Several, several years ago. Middle-school, maybe. It’s been a while…..
mentally handicapped person, they find some drug that’s supposed to make you smart, then find out its only temporary and then you go back to how you were? yes, that is probably way glossing over it, but like I said, long, long time ago, provided it’s even the same book…..
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135- The author committed suicide? Wow. I was once forced to read a excerpt of it for school… wasn’t terribly impressive.
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The Clique
by Aura
Claire: I’m naive!
Massie: I’m bitchy!
Kristen, Dylan: We’re bitchy too!
Alicia: I’m mean, but it’s okay, I’m attractive.
Cam: Hello. I’m a cute boy.
All Girls: I saw him first!
*some time later*
Claire: I’m naive, but now I have a boyfriend!
Massie: I’m only bitchy on days that end in Y!
Kristen, Dylan: Waah! We have no designated love interests!
Alicia: I’m still pretty!
ALL: YAY! Let’s go shopping!
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Eragon
By Aura
Eragon: Hello. Despite what you think, my name is not Luke Skywalker. Or Aragorn. Really.
Brom: Hello. Please don’t call me Yoda.
Saphira: *moos*
Eragon: OMG SHINY!
Law-Abiding Monarchists: *dies*
Everyone: OMG, Eragon, we worship at your feet!
Eragon: Yayness!
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The Interlopers(another short story we had to read)
First Guy:My family has a horrible, pointless grudge on Second Guy. I think I’ll go kill him.
Second Guy:My family has a horrible, pointless grudge on First Guy. I think I’ll go kill him.
*they go into woods* There is a storm. A tree falls, trapping them both.
*they have a dramatic realization*
First Guy: This tree falling on us has made me think. let’s be friends.
Second Guy:Oh no! But that would make all of our fighting pointless! but I’ll be your friend anyway.
*they become friends*
First Guy: I see my men coming!
Second Guy: No, they’re my men!
First Guy: Actually, they’re wolves. We’re probably going to die now.
*story ends rather suddenly*
That was a bit longer than I wanted it to be. Oh well.
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CONDENSED ROMEO AND JULIET:
(Romeo) I hate Capulets.
(Juliet) I hate Montagues.
(Romeo) I’m lovesick because Rosalind doesn’t love me. Boo, hoo.
(Juliet) Boy? What’s a boy? I’ve never even thought about falling in love!
The following events all take place in a 12-hour time span. (Really!)
(Romeo) *sees Juliet* She’s gorgeous! *falls in love*
(Juliet) *sees Romeo* Ooh, he’s cute! *falls in love*
*they kiss*
(Romeo) Wait, what’s her name?
(Nurse) Juliet Capulet.
(Romeo) I’m screwed.
(Juliet) Wait, what’s his name?
(Nurse) Romeo Montague.
(Juliet) Crap.
LATER THAT DAY…
(Romeo) *professes his love for Juliet*
(Juliet) *professes her love for Romeo*
(Romeo) Let’s get married! Tomorrow!
(Juliet) Okay! What time?
(Romeo) Nine AM.
(Juliet) Okay-dokey then!
*they get married*
(Romeo) *kills Tybalt* *is banished*
(Juliet) *fakes her suicide*
(Romeo) *actually commits suicide*
(Romeo) *commits suicide as well*
(Lord Montague) Howsabout we be friends now?
(Lord Capulet) Okay.
ULTRACONDENSED:
(Romeo) *falls in love with Juliet*
(Juliet) *follows suit*
(Romeo) *dies*
(Juliet) *dies*
(Families of dead lovers) Let’s be friends.
I swear, I didn’t copy anything off anybody. Any copying was purely unintentional.
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The Thanksgiving Treasure (A fine example of a sappy-sounding name)
Father:*Digs pond for old guy I forgot the name of(OGIFTNO)*
Pond:*leaks*
OGIFTNO: You @#%$ing @%%^ !@%&!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Father: Same to you! *feuds*
Addie/Carla Mae: *trespass on OGIFTNO’S property for no good reason*
OGIFTNO:*threatens*
Teacher:*teaches pilgrimcentric history lesson*
Addie: *is inspired*
Carla Mae: *grumbles*
Addie: *Takes thanksgiving scraps and takes them up to OGIFTNO.
Carla Mae: *Grumbles*
OGIFTNO: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Get away.*Undergoes drastic character change* Welcome in! Want to ride my convenient Horse ex Machina? *keels over*
Addie: Wahhhhhhhhhhh! He’s dead!
Grandma:*is wise*
Addie/Grandma: *goes to OGIFTNO’s funeral*
Father: You went to that @%%! %!^^ @*^# *#&& @%%!$’s funeral?
Bureaucrat: He left you his horse, Addie!
Father:Well, you’re not keeping it!
Grandmother:*Is wise*
Father: Maybe you are…
Addie: Yayyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!
Carla Mae: *grumbles*
And yes, that did turn out longer than I wanted.
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THE DREADFUL FATE OF JENNY
(who is indeed a person who I am unfortunate enough to have to sit next to)
J = Jenny
B = me
EE = everybody else surrounding us
J: (gushes)Hi everyone! did you all get the e mail I sent you about puppies in hats?
EE: (squeal) OMG, yes we did! They were sooooo cute!!!!
J: d’ya wanna go shopping with me?
EE: sure!
J: what about you, _ _ _ _(me)? Oh, I forgot, I only talk to you to seem nice to everybody else!
B: (grumbles) (thinks of plan to leave jenny in a cave with a bunch of spiders and bats)
(All go out shopping)
(all come back)
B: Jenny, do you want to go see this patch of pretty flowers in the forest?
J: okay! I’ll bring my camera!
(we go)
(We intentionally get “lost”)
It’s dark by now, so I push Jenny into the cave and run.
J:(screams of terror and disgust)
B: (grins)
THE END!
(this shows how dumb I think she is and how much I dislike her)
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It is a great misfortune to have to sit next to such an evil person. Last year, I was surrounded by two such people, and they drove me quite insane.
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There was a kid who was in our unofficial lunch circle last year, and around the start of the second semester, he started being a jerk to me, and me specifically.
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A bunch of the people in my grade have avoided me at lunch since I came here. I sit down at a table full of chatty people…
Person A: Hi.
Person B:*whisper*
Me:What?
A:Nothing.(Yes, they do say that. It’s gotten rather annoying)
B:Hey, look at ___ over there. Let’s go sit with her.
*B leaves* *they all leave*
Me:Well, you could make it slightly more subtle, I’m not stupid.
My social life is rather bad, but I do have one friend, who will always sit with me.
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In the Hand of the Goddess:
Alanna: Look, another character!
Faithful: Hi. I’m some kind of magic cat.
Alanna: *fights in Tusaine war* *kisses Jon* *gets captured* *gets rescued* *is jealous of Delia* *gets girl clothes* *has sex with Jon* *becomes knight* *everyone discovers she’s a girl* *kills Roger*
That’s the book.
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144, etc- Save this thread for books, not for formulating ways to kill people you hate.
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98, ‘Aquarius’ -Hillarious (Hey, that rhymes!)
Most books-
villan: *plots evil scheme*
hero: *stops evil scheme*
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150: Thank you. You’ve heard the song?
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Series of Unfortunate Events:
Orphans: Oh woe is us, we are orphans!
Olaf: I want your large fortune!
Orphans: You’ll never get it!
*bad things happen*
*orphans escape*
*more bad things happen, orphans escape*
-repeat for 13 books-
Olaf: *dies*
Orphans: *walk away*
this series was pretty pointless.
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152 – They were decent at first, but then they started repeating themselves so completely that they got boring. The last book was the least satisfying ending I’ve ever read.
I don’t think I’ve met you before–are you someone trying out a new name, an alter-ego, or a neophyte?
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boxcar children:
children: we are orphans who now live with our rich grandfather and solve mysteries! lets go on a trip!
*go on trip*
children: oh a mystery! let’s ask people prying questions about things that are none of our business so we can solve this mystery!
*solve mystery and charm people with charm and innocence*
children: also, lets age as the books progress but then go back to our original ages forever when the real author dies and someone else starts writing these!
the fact that their ages went back really annoyed me when i used to read them. now the whole series just seems ridiculous. maybe i’ll reread them.
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153- The reason you haven’t seen me is because I haven’t been on in a very long time. About a year actually. wow.
I guess I am sort of a neophyte, because I only posted for a little while before I stopped… and now I’m back.
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154 – I loved that series when I was in about first through third grade, but then I reread some of them recently and I realized that their ages are pretty ridiculous. I mean, Jessie is twelve? Seriously? She acts about 24. And Violet is ten, but acts like a very mature 16-year-old. That in itself is kind of absurd, not to mention the aging and then un-aging thing you mentioned.
155 – Ah, that would explain it. Because I’m pretty new here, about two and a half months or so.
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Re- Boxcar kids: I was probably the only first grader in my school who read those. I loved how they invented stuff and went through dumps and stuff, like in the first and second books. But they went downhill from there.
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My kindergarten teacher made me read The Boxcar Children. Not very good books, as I remember them. Sort of Brady Bunch meets Little House on the Prairie, with some Nancy Drew / Hardy Boys thrown in. Yeah, not the best series out there.
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152- True, for the first 8 books. They got pretty good after that, with all the learning about VFD and stuff like that. I love the irony, though. The orphans are so unfortunate it’s a nice break from Harry Potter and its miraculous happy endings. (I’m not saying HP’s bad. Don’t kill me.)
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ULTRA CONDENSED SSSS:
*explodes*
fin
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THE NAMING (By Allson Croggon) (Condensed by me)
Maerad: Hello. I am not an Eragon-type character.
Cadvan: Hello Maerad. I am most certainly not exactly like Brom! Where did you get that idea? Anyway, I think you’re a bard and that you should come with me.
Maerad: OK.
*later*
Cadvan: *gets accidentally hurt by Maerad* You are very powerful. Hmmmm….
Maerad:
Cadvan: We need to go the long way to avoid evil people. What’s that???
*elemental appears, Maerad talks to it*
Cadvan: You can talk to elementals??? Hmmmm…
Maerad:
*later*
Maerad: Look! I found a little boy named Hem! Can I keep him?
Cadvan: I think he’s your brother.
Maerad: Yippee!
*later*
Cadvan: OK. We’re almost to the coastal city called Norloch that does not eerily resemble a certain city from Eragon. But first we have to go through the cursed rock maze thing.
Maerad: OK.
*BIG MONSTER APPEARS!!!*
Cadvan: *gets mortally wounded*
Maerad: *makes big fireball*
*monster goes away*
Maerad: Hey, now I can talk to animals!
Cadvan: Yes, you have finally learned the language that bears no resemblence to the language in Eragon.
*arrive in Norloch*
Cadvan: Maerad has to be apprenticed and find out her true name because she’s so powerful and I think she’ll defeat evil.
Enkir: No. I don’t like girls.
Cadvan: Ok… we’ll do it illegally.
Nelac: *does white flame thing*
Maerad: Hey! I’m Elednor! That means Fire Lily! I am the person in the prophecy!
Nelac: Go. The city is burning.
*Maerad and Cadvan go on a boat while Hem leaves to go south*
END
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THE RIDDLE
*Maerad and Cadvan experiment with Maerad’s power on remote island*
Maerad: In my dreams it says we should go north to look for the Treesong!
Cadvan: What’s that?
Maerad: I don’t know!
Cadvan: That’s good enough for me! Let’s go!
*Cadvan gets killed by an avalanche*
Maerad: Oh, woe is me! I have to go look for the Treesong myself!
*goes to more remote islands with her cousin*
*meets fat man who knows what the Treesong is*
*discovers the words were on her magical lyre the entire time*
Maerad: Woe is me! Cadvan died for THIS???
*gets captured and taken to Arkan’s castle*
Maerad: Woe is me! Two and a half of my fingers are gone from frostbite! I can’t play my lyre anymore!
Maerad: *to Arkan* Tell me what these mysterious runes on my lyre mean! NOW!!!
Arkan: Fine.
Ardina: I’m going to help you escape. Turn into a wolf.
Maerad: *obeys*
Ardina: OK, now follow me.
*Maerad makes it out of the north and goes to the ruins of Pellinor, still as a wolf*
Maerad: I’m soooo hungry. Hey, there’s a man over there making soup!
Maerad: *realizes it’s Cadvan and tries to hug him*
Cadvan: What the heck!?!?!? A wolf is attacking me!!!
Maerad: Oops. Sorry. *changes back*
Cadvan:
END
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((I’ll do THE CROW later. And NOBODY do THE SINGING until it comes out in America!!!))
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During kindergarten, i was rather obsessed with the boxcar children. Then in 1st i realized that the series went way downhill after the first couple books and that the characters were way inconsistent with the aging thing.
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Tom Lehrer’s The Elements:
There’s a lot of them, okay.
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Every Rap Song There Is, Ultra Condensed:
(Rapper): *in club* Oh, hey there’s a hot girl! Hey, baby, wanna have sex?
(Girl): Sure!
(Rapper): *describes*
Pretty Much Every Monster Movie Ever:
(Monster): Roar. *eats people* *trashes stuff*
(People): Meep, we have to stop it! *stop monster*
(Person A): Yay! Oh, BTW, Person B, I love you!
(Person B): I love you, too!
(Persons A & B) ♥
UC Romeo and Juliet:
Romeo, Juliet: *fall in love* Wait, our parents hate each other. Oh well, let’s get married anyway!
Romeo: *kills Tybalt*
Juliet: Well, that was stupid, but I love you anyway, so I’m pretending to be dead.
*game of Telephone*
Romeo: Julie’s DEAD? AHHH! *kills self*
Juliet: *wakes up* ROMEO! *kills self*
Parents: Let’s be friends!
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Lieutenant Hornblower:
Captain Sawyer: I am crazy.
Lieutenants Buckland, Rogers, Hornblower, Smith: We are stiff.
Lieutenant Bush:
Captain Sawyer: You’re conspiring against me!
Buckland, Rogers, Hornblower, Bush: Something must be done about the captain…
Captain Sawyer: -falls down hold-
Buckland, Rogers, Bush: How’d the captain fall down the hold?
Hornblower: I have no idea.
Buckland: There is too much pressure. I cannot make important decisions. -bites nails-
Hornblower: If I may suggest something…
-repeat as necessary-
English people: YAY, we win!
Spanish people: Oh no you don’t!
English people: Actually, we do!
Admiralty: Hornblower, you’re promoted!
Bush: Congrats!
Buckland: Wah.
Everyone: It’s peace, it’s peace!
Bush: -is poor-
Hornblower: -is poorer- -plays whist-
Everyone: It’s war, it’s war!
Hornblower: I’ve been re-promoted!
Maria: WAAAHHHH!
Bush: Ew.
Hornblower: Um… um… I’ll marry you?
Bush: How did the captain fall down the hold?
Hornblower: I have no idea.
Ultra-Condensed:
Hornblower: -is brave, smart, charismatic, competent, mutinous, and has a very good poker face-
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Whoops, those italic were supposed to end after did….
[HTML gnome to the rescue.]
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I ultra-condensed the entire Warriors series on the SSSS thread a while ago. You can find it here. (I hope that works, I’m not exactly sure how you linkify to a specific comment.)
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Okay, just go here and scroll down to comment 153.
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This thread makes me laugh…
Around the World in 80 days:
Europeans: Let’s be imperialistic!
Everybody Else: Oh no.
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Ultra condensed version of the series of unfortunate events:
The baudelairs: Oh look at us! (prancing like ponies)We live in a mansion and we’re loaded!!! Lalalalalaalal!!!
Mr. Poe: Hello loaded children! you are orphans.
Baudelairs: Oh dear!
Sunny: (Bites stuff)
Count Olaf: Im going to lock you up and you shall be my slaves!
Baudelairs: Oh dear!
Sunny: (Bites stuff)
Count Olaf: Im going to kill you so I get my fortune and buy myself a cool crib!
Baudelairs: Oh no your not! We’re loaded and we bought a policeman.
Sunny: (Bites stuff)
Olaf: Ha ha! I’m not in jail and now im going to run away to some foreign country!
(Repeated 12 times)
Olaf dies.
Baudelairs become even more loaded
Sunny continues to bite stuff
the end
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Condensed version of War of the Worlds:
P: people
ET: aliens
ET: we have come to invade
P: Go away we don’t want you here
ET: Too bad
ET: (kill everyone)
the end
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THE ADVENTURES OF BOB THE SMILEY
Hello. I’m Bob. I will wander aimlessly through a forest.
I’m a Muser who will save Bob at least three times.
I will try to eat Bob.
I will save Bob from the evil HPB.
*all that happens*
THE END.
ROUND-ROBIN SMILEYS, PART 2
I like juice.
You’re going on a spaceship to Mars with two other people.
*on spaceship* Do we have juice?
…
Yes… Here…you…go…
*on Mars*
We’re Venusians.
We’re Martians.
We’re HPBs.
We’re HRBs.
*all fight*
*on spaceship* I’m…a…bomb…and…will…accidently…blow…up…and…kill…you…all….
OH NO WE CRASHED ON VENUS!!!
We’re Plutonians who are randomly on Venus. is Plutonian also. We will fix him.
All right. *worries*
BOOM!
Stop.
*is returned to normal state*
(Me) And now nobody is posting, so this Quick Read shall come to an end. As for the fate of the thread, no one knows…
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Twilight- by Stephenie Meyer.
Bella- What’s Edward’s problem?
Edward- Let’s go out!
Bella- OK
(Various things happen, including a very confusing scene in a ballet studio.)
THE END.
New Moon-
Edward- I’m leaving.
Bella- NOOOO!!!! (slips into sate of depression, starts to hang out with werewolves and does crazy things so she can hallucinate about Edward. She finally dives off a cliff. But doesn’t die.)
Rosalie- Bella died.
Edward- I’m killing myself.
Bella- I’M NOT DEAD GOSHDARNIT!!!!!
Edward- Oh. I love you.
Bella- I love you too.
Eclipse- by Stephenie Meyer
Edward-………
Bella-………..
OMG I DON’T REMEBER WHAT HAPPENED IN THIS BOOK!!!!
Okay it’s coming back… It goes something like this.
Bella- I WANT you. (heavy implications.)
Edward- No. Not until we get married and you get turned into a vampire. Which I’m not doing anyway.
Bella- I hate you. (Not really)
(Evil Vampire comes after them. They kill him/her. (I can’t remember which))
Edward- Let’s get married.
Bella- OK. I love you.
Edward- I love you too.
Breaking Dawn- by Stephenie Meyer
(Bella and Edward get married and go on their honeymoon)
Bella- OMG I’M PREGNANT!!!!
Edward- OMG YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!!!
(Edward turns Bella into a vampire to save her and her baby)
Jacob- I hate you Edward. I hate that ugly baby to— OMG I JUST IMPRINTED ON BELLA’S BABY!!!!!
(Everyone’s fine and dandy until the Volturi come. Alice and Jasper disappear. Everyone freaks out.)
(The Volturi come. I forget what happens here but they end up going away.)
Bella- I love you.
Edward- I love you too.
Renesmee- I love you all.
THE END OF A VERY LONG AND CONFUSING SERIES.
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Of Mice and Men
Lennie – I like mice!
George – Lennie, that *bleep*in mouse has been lying on that *bleep*in road for days.
Lennie – I don’t care George I want to pet it.
George – Stop petting that *bleep* *bleep*ing mouse.
Lennie – Ok.
George – Now let’s go find some *bleep*in work.
Lennie – Whatever you say, George.
*George and Lennie go to a ranch*
Lennie – Me is strong as an ox!
Ranch owner – Are you *bleep*in retarded?
Lennie – What?
Ranch owner – Are you making fun of me, *bleep*?
Lennie – What?
*the ranch owner clobbers lennie*
George – Fight back, Lennie!
*lennie clobbers the ranch owner*
*ranch owners wife comes in*
Lennie – Oooh pretty!
*lennie pets the wife’s hair*
*he squeezes too hard and snaps her neck*
Lennie – Of all *bleep*ing *bleep*!
Ranch owner – You *bleep*!
*ranch owner shoots lennie
THE END
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The Astonishing Life of Octavian Nothing:
Octavian: I don’t have a weird life. It’s everyone else who has a weird life.
Bono: Um. Actually. You’re a slave.
Octavian:
03-01 aka Mr. Gitney: -gasp- Our Benefactor is dead!
Octavian: Now I’m a servant and an experiment.
Bono: -is given away as a gift-
Mr. Gitney: Let’s have a Pox Party!
Octavian’s mom: -dies-
Mr. Gitney: Ooh, let’s dissect!
Octavian: -runs away- -joins the army-
Evidence Goring: What an odd fellow that Prince is.
Octavian: Drat! I’m right back where I started.
Mr. Trefusis: -poisons Mr. Gitney + 1- Psst! Octavian! We have to run away!
Octavian: OK. -philosophizes-
THE END.
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Not-so-Quick Read of the Roman Empire.
Remus: Hey lets start a city together and name it after me!
Romulus: Heh. Heh. No. *stabs remus*
Patricians and Plebians: Down with the Etruscan king!
Patricians: Great. We overthrew him. Now lets set up a democratic government which isnt really democratic because 5% of the people control 100% of the power!
Plebians: Yay! Wait, what???
Plebians: Hey guess what we don’t like the democracy anymore!
Patricians: You and what army?
Julius Caesar: Me.
Brutus: Wah! Me want power back! *kills caesar*
Augustus: Looks like the roman empire is here to stay.
*augustus dies*
General: Me want throne!
Other General: No, me want throne! You suck!
General: No, You suck!
Diocletian: Guys, guys. Here, why don’t we break the empire in half.
Constantine: And make it Christian!
People: Sounds pretty good to me…..
Atilla: Hi! *invades half of empire*
Constantinoplians: our totaleh l337 citty iz like walled iz teh pwnage 0wnd!
Mehmet Oguz: Istanbul, not Constantinople, now its Istanbul…..
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War of the Worlds, the novel:
Martians: We’re running out of resources. We could recycle… NAH! Let’s go conqure Earth and take theirs!
Humans: Uh, oh.
*Fight*
Humans: Cake, our weapons don’t work on them!
Martians: Ahhh! Earth germs!
*Martians die*
Humans: Yahhhh!
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Touching Spirit Bear
= Cole
= Peter
= Circle Justice people
= Spirit Bear
= everyone else
: I hate everything. *beats up *
: You’re arrested.
: *decide to send to isolated island for a year and do so*
: I hate this stupid island! *burns supplies and tries to kill *
: Roar. *mauls *
: *rescue *
: Now you’re going to jail.
: No! I want to go back to the island!
: *send back to island, where he learns stuff*
-> : should come to the island.
*reluctantly comes to island and learns stuff*
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HTML gnome, could you fix the smileys that didn’t work?
[Done.]
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178 – How convenient. I can use that for my report instead of researching! (I wish.)
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The Twentieth Century:
It was horribly amazing when it wasn’t amazingly horrible.
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TWILIGHT:
(Bella) There’s something weird about Edward … ( -> ) … but I love him!
(Edward) I love you, too. Except I’m a vampire, and have a dangerous instinct to drink your blood. So we’d better stay away from each other.
(Bella) But I love you! *kisses*
(James) *is evil* Bella, I’m holding your mother hostage in this dance studio. You’d better come and save her!
(Bella) Oh noes! *goes to studio*
(James) Bahaha! *bites Bella*
(Edward) *shows up* Oh noes! *saves Bella*
(Bella) Edward, can you turn me into a vampire?
(Edward) No. *kisses*
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Magic Tree House:.
Jack, Annie: Hey, I just got a strange feeling that we have to go to the tree house!
Tree House: *takes to some educational place/time*
Jack, Annie: Ooh, hey, look, here’s a book about this place/time! *consults* Look, some educational facts! *have adventure*
Random Person: *helps*
Jack, Annie: Yay, we’re home!
Macbeth:
King Duncan: I’m a really great king and everybody likes me! Yay!
Random Soldier: Macbeth… helped… win… war… *bleeds*
King Duncan: OK, let’s promote him! Hey, you OK?
Soldier: No… *is taken away and never seen again*
Witches: Whee, we’re evil! Hey look, here’s Macbeth and Banquo. Let’s give them some bad fortune cookie predictions about their lives! *proceed to do so*
Macbeth: Wait, I have to kill the king?
Witches: We never said that! *vanish*
Macbeth: *sends letter to Lady Macbeth*
Lady Macbeth: *reads* Mwahahahaha!!! I’m totally certifiable, so let’s go kill the king now!!!! *forces Macbeth to kill king*
Macbeth: Hey, is that a dagger? Creepy. I must be going nuts. *hires murderers to kill Banquo* *sees Banquo’s ghost* Yaaaah! Go away!
Lady Macbeth: Ah, don’t mind him, he’s nuts.
Macbeth: Must… see… witches…
Witches: Here you go! *more cryptic predictions*
Lady Macbeth: *goes even more crazy than she already is, causing her to die*
Macbeth: *kills Macduff’s family*
Macduff: *kills Macbeth*
Macbeth: Wait, I thought none of woman born could kill me!
Macduff: My mom had a C-section, dummy!
Macbeth: Oh, OK. *dies*
UC: Everybody goes crazy, kills everybody else, then dies.
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Pride and Prejudice:
Elizabeth: That Darcy is soooo stuck up.
Darcy: That Elizabeth is soooo ugly.
*they fall in love*
THE END
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The Muse Academy RPG Cycle:
We have an adventure.
The adventure ends.
We celebrate.
Normal classes resume.
The thread starts to die.
Somebody comes in and instigates a new adventure.
*Repeat ad infinitam*
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1984:
Winston: Down with Big Brother!
Julia: Down with Big Brother! I love you, Winston.
O’Brien: Down with Big Brother! … Just kidding.
Winston: -is tortured- Ow.
O’Brien: It’s for your own good.
Winston: Long live Big Brother!
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Hatchet:
(Brian) Waaah, my parents are divorced. But at least I’m going to Canada on a plane, and I have this cool hatchet.
(pilot) I feel sick, but don’t worry, it’s probably nothing. *dies*
(Brian) Oh noes! *crashes plane in lake* GAH! Stupid mosquitoes! Ooh! Cherries! *eats cherries* *gets sick* Ooh! Raspberries! *eats* I need a fire. I must build a fire. I have to have a fire. Fire is essential to my survival. Fire rocks. Fire –
(readers) OKAY, OKAY! YOU NEED A FIRE!
(Brian) *builds fire* Yay, fire is my friend! But I’m still hungry. So very hungry. I have this dreadful gnawing empty feeling in my belly. I need to eat. Because I am so very hungry, I need meat. Meat will fill my empty belly. Meat –
(readers) WE GET IT!
(rabbits, foolbirds, and fish) Na na na na na, you can’t catch us.
(Brian) *builds weapons* *catches and eats animals* Ooh! That tornado sucked up some of the lake water, so now I can dive down and get the emergency survival pack! *gets pack* *eats food* *calls rescue people*
(rescue person) Hi, I’m here to pick you up. *takes Brian back to civilization*
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hmmmmmmmmm…what to condece…
aha!
The Giver
jonas: OMG somehting happened to the apple
high and mighty bloke: everyone must be THE SAME!!
you are a reciever
jonas: yaaaaaaaayyyyyy! oh my, i can lie and i can see pretty colors and GO SLEDDING. OMG
the giver: blah blah blah have a memory blah blah blah OMG she died *sobs* blah blah blah
jonas: gasp! lets wach my dad kill babies!!
the giver: okay
*watches tv*
jonas: OMG he killed it waaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh
the giver: yep, thats the truth
jonas’s dad: wew going to kill this random baby who is living in our house
jonas and giver: *devises plan*
jonas: ruuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnn aaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *leaves* *almost dies* *halluscinates* *dies*
yaaaaaaaay the end
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Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog:
I’m supposed to be evil, but really I’m just sad about the human condition. Also, doesn’t love me. Waaah.
*beats up many times* *flirts with * *is stuck-up*
To get into the Evil League Of Evil, you have to kill someone!
*tries to kill * *death ray explodes*
*doesn’t die* Aaah! This must be pain! MOMMY! *needs therapy*
*is hit by shrapnel* *dies*
Well, technically it’s my fault died, so I’m in the League. Yaaay.
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SFTDP:
Mean Girls:
We’re mean, stupid, stylish, and popular.
I’m none of those. But I’ll pretend to be all of them so I can pretend to be friends with the lead , and sneakily ruin her life. *forgets mission* *actually becomes mean, stupid, stylish, and popular*
Waaah. We’re your real friends and you’ve abandoned us.
*abolishes mission* *returns to being nice*
That was a pretty pointless movie.
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Generic Archie Comics Plot:.
Veronica: Will you go on a date with me?
Archie: Sure!
*Forgets*
Betty: Will you go on a date with me?
Archie: Sure!
*Everybody comes to the restaurant*
Betty and Veronica: What? But he promised ME! Well, me promised ME FIRST!
*Betty and Veronica fight*
(Can also represent several conflicts in world afairs if the names are changed)
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190- I quite liked The Giver….
The Wright Three.
Tommy: Heylo!!! I’m baaaack!!!!!
Calder: Oh yeah…. Now we can all be, like, a happy family.
Petra: *jealosy*
Calder: Why can’t we all… get along?
Tommy and Petra: *Frolic*
Petra: I got a message from a book. *goes back to talk to the voice in her head*
Calder: OMG, triangle!
Tommy: LOOK AT ME I FOUND A FISH!
ALL: YYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We can save the house now!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Guy: *steals fish*
All: *depression*
Tommy: Lets go inside the rotting, caving building!!!!!!! Then, we can talk to the house!!!
Mean People: HAHAHA, we are so clever! We caught three little kids.
*kids escape*
*house tries to kill a dude*
ALL: WE SOLVED THE MYSTERY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
((I actually did like the book, but it was a very easy target…. ))
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I did #1, 2, and 3 on the offshore SSSS thread.
WARRIORS: THE NEW PROPHECY
BOOK #4: STARLIGHT
(Mistyfoot, Brambleclaw, Squirrelpaw, Crowfeather, +Tawnypelt) Well, we’ve explored the territory and found homes for all the Clans.
(Mothwing) And there’s this island that would be perfect for Gatherings.
(Squirrelflight+Crowfeather) And we’re both warriors by now. Yay!
(Mothwing) Leafpaw, I have a secret. I don’t beliveve in StarClan.
(Tallstar) I’m dying… Onewhisker, you be my deputy when I’m gone…
:confused: :confused: (Firestar + Bramblclaw) Oh no, he used the wrong ceremony.
:confused: (Onewhisker) Oh dear… Mudclaw, you can still be my deputy.
(Mudclaw) Oh yeah?
:confused: (Onewhisker) Ashfoot, then.
(Leafpaw) Look, I’ve found the Moonpool. You can receive your nine lives.
(Mistyfoot) He’s going to attck Onewhisker! With Hawfrost, assorted ShadowClan warriors, and half of WindClan!
(Firestar) Oh, all right, we’ll help. *ThunderClan and Onewhisker win the battle and Mudclaw gets killed by a falling tree)
(everyone) Yay! We can use the island for Gatherings!
BOOK #5
(ShadowClan) These kittypets are a pain.
(kittypets) Okay, okay, we get the message. We’re scared of ThunderClan
(Brambleclaw) I wanna be deputy.
(Squirrelflight) OMG he’s gonna turn into Tigerstar! Like Hawkfrost!
(Brambleclaw) Shut. Up.
(Leafpool) Well, I’ve got my new name, and a semi-kittypet’s joined us with her kits…
(Tigerstar) Now, my sons, to be powerful…
(Leafpool) and I’ve seen Tigerstar talking to Hawkfrost and Brambleclaw in a dream…. BUT I’M TOO IN LOVE WITH CROWFEATHER TO CARE!
(Cinderpelt) Leafpool, this must stop.
(Leafpool+Crowfeather) Whatev! *run away* Midnight!?
(Midnight) I’ve come to warn the Clans about the badgers.
(badgers) Mwahahaha we’re attacking ThunderClan!
(Midnight + Onestar) WINDCLAN TO THE RESCUE!
(Leafpool) *comes back with Crowfeather and decides that maybe she’s not THAT in love with him* But they’ve killed Cinderpelt!
(Stormfur + Brook) Sheesh, what happened here?
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Oh, can the GAPAS fix the italics? Pretty please? I will do Sunset when I have actually read it, and posssibly even the entire Power of Three series.
Geez, I wish they hadn’t killed Tierstar.
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Yes, I do actually read something other than Warriors.
PEOPLE MIGHT HEAR YOU
Aunt Loris: We’re go to live with my weird new husband and his three daughters.
Frances: Shoot.
Claire and Rosgrana: We’re a bunch of good little stuck-up temple members.
Helen: Yeah, so am I. Only my friend Paul wasn’t.. *sobs*
Mr Tyrell: No school, no yelling, no going out anywhere…
Aunt Loris: You see, there’s this war coming and the only people going to be saved are the ones belonging to the temple.
Frances: Oh, all right, I’ll belong to your temple and then I’ll convert my best friend Kerry…
Helen: You really shouldn’t let that cat in…
Mr Tyrell: *kills cat*
Frances: I’ve changed my mind! I’m a getting outta here!
Mr Tyrell: No you’re not. You’re going to the temple tomorrow.
Frances: Helen, help!
Helen: No.
Frances: All is lost…
Helen: *changes mind* oh, all right.
*they escape*
The End
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HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN
Harry: Eek! A serial killer is after me!
Harry: Aah! He’s my godfather! And he was my parents’ best friend! And he betrayed them to Voldemort!
Sirius Black: I’m not really that bad.
Lupin: Yeah, he’s not really that bad.
Harry: Oh. Okay.
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE
Lizzie: I think I love Mr Wickham.
Jane: I think I love Mr Bingley.
Mrs Bennet: My poor nerves!
Jane: Ai! Bingley dumped me!
Lizzie: You know, Darcy isn’t that bad.
Mrs Bennet: My poor nerves!
Lydia: Oh. I’m going to run away with Wickham now!
Darcy: Wickham is a horrible man with no respect for others.
Lizzie: It all makes sense now!
Jane: Calm down, everyone!
Mrs Bennet: My poor nerves!
*Darcy fetches Lydia and she and Wickham marry*
Lizzie: I love him.
Jane: And I love Mr Bingley.
Darcy: Let’s get married, shall we?
Mrs Bennet: My poor nerves!
*Lizzie marries Darcy. Jane marries Bingley*
Mrs Bennet: Aah, that’s better.
Mary: Piff!
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Harry Potter 1:
Harry: “I’m a famous wizard, and someone’s wants to kill me? AWESOME!”
Harry: I think Snape’s a bad guy.
Quirrell: No I am!
Harry: Die!
1984:
Smith: I hate the government
Julia: I love you.
Smith: We should rebel.
O’Brien: I’ll help.
O’Brien: Ha! I tricked you!
Smith: No! I love the government!
Julia: Me too!
Just Dance- Lady GaGa
Lady GaGa: I feel sick but I’ll dance anyway.
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Hello. This is a dead thread that is very funny sometimes. WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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What’s (Insert Superhero name here)’s Deal
Iron Man: He was an inventor who made weapons for the government, until he got captured in a war zone and taken prisoner by the enemy. He built a battle suit to escape and improved on it when he got home.
Captain America: He wanted to join the Army during WWII, but the army doctor said he was too weak. So he offered to be a guinea pig for an experiment to give soldiers super strength, and they injected him with the serum. (But them a Nazi spy killed the guy who made the serum, so they couldn’t make any more.) So he fought in the war, but he fell into the Arctic on one mission and got frozen in ice for a really long time until the Avengers found him and thawed him out.
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KaiYves: I have that copy of the Avengers!
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Really? Cool, it must be worth a lot.
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Fine. I’ll do books that we read for English class this year…. wait, I won’t do the earlier ones because I forgot the characters’ names.
THE GREAT GATSBY
Gatsby: I love Daisy. I will stalk her.
Tom: I’m cheating on Daisy with Myrtle.
Gatsby: Nick. Help me win Daisy.
Nick: Sure.
Daisy: I love you Gatsby!
Gatsby: I love you! *kiss*
Nick: *tries to leave inconspicuously*
Gatsby: No Nick! Stay and watch us have a romantic evening!
Nick: OK.
Joan: Let’s go out.
Nick: OK.
Daisy: *runs over Myrtle with Gatsby’s car*
Myrtle’s husband (dang he’s the only name I forgot!): I am wild with grief! I must kill the man that owns that car! *kills Gatsby*
Daisy: Oh well.
Nick: He was my best friend! I hate New York. I’m going back to the west.
Joan: I hate you.
THEN END
OUR TOWN
George: I love you.
Emily: I love you.
George: Let’s get married!
Emily: OK!
*get married*
Emily: *dies*
Emily: Live people are so ignorant!
THE END
THE BEAN TREES
Missy: I gotta get out of here or I’ll get pregnant.
*leaves, changes name to Taylor*
Taylor: *in Oklahoma* Can I have a burger? *eats*
Lady outside: Take this kid.
Taylor: OK… I’ll name you Turtle.
*arrive in Tuscon*
Mattie: Here, I’ll fix your car and give you a job.
Taylor: Nice!
LouAnn: Can you be my roomate?
Taylor: Sure!
*have picnic with Estevan and Esperanza*
Taylor: I love Estevan!
Turtle: Bean. Humbean.
Estevan: Esperanza and I had a child in Guatemala. She was taken away. That’s why Esperanza’s depressed.
Taylor: …oh…
Mattie: Estevan and Esperanza have to be moved to Oklahoma so they won’t get found out.
Taylor: I’ll take them so I can officially adopt Turtle!
*go to Oklahoma*
Turtle: *points to graveyard* Mama!
Taylor: OK, since Turtle’s parents are probably dead and we would never be able to find them anyway, can you pretend to be them?
Estevan: Sure.
Esperanza: *believes that Turtle is her real child*
*all go and help Taylor adopt Turtle*
Estevan and Esperanza: *go to safe house*
Taylor: Say goodbye!
Turtle: Bye.
Taylor: I’m you’re one and only Ma now!
THE END
Happy now?
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Oh, Joan’s supposed to be Jordan. I forgot her name, too.
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The Silmarillion Ultra-Condensed:
Good Guys: *die*
Bad Guys: Huzzah!
Good Guys: *die*
Bad Guys: *are evil*
Good Guys: *die*
Bad Guys: Huzzah! *are evil*
Good Guys: *defeat Bad Guys*
THE END
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WARRIORS (maybe I’ll do Sunset next week)
(Redtail) *dies*
(ThunderClan) What’s going on?
(Firestar) Can I join you? Please?
(Blustar) Oh, all right.
(Firestar) Yay!
(Ravenpaw) Tigerclaw killed Redtail.
(Brokenstar) I’m evil.
(Firestar) *foils evil plan*
(Firestar) Yay! I’m a warrior!
(Bluestar) TigerClaw is NOT a traitor!
(Tigerstar) Yes I am.
(Bluestar) OMG. *kicks TigerClaw out of ThunderClan*
(Firestar) Yay I’m the new deputy!
(Tigerstar) I’ve got another evil plan.
(Firestar) *foils evil plan*
(Tigerstar) I’ve got another evil plan.
(Firestar) *foils evil plan*
*Bluestar dies*
(Firestar) I’m leader. Eek.
(Tigerstar) This is part of the evilest plan of all! MWAHAHAHAHA!
(Scourge) Oh yeah? I’m even eviler! *kills Tigerstar*
(everyone else) *drive out BloodClan*
(Firestar) *kills Scourge*
Yayyyyyyyyyy peace and quiet.
WARRIORS: THE NEW PROPHECY
(Midnight) Twolegs are destoying the forest! You gotta leave!
(The Clans) Oh no. *leave* *drive out some badgers*
(badgers) Mwahaha we’re going to kill you all *attack ThunderClan*
(ThunderClan and WindClan) Oh no you’re not *drive out badgers*
(Tigerstar) mawhahaha. I may be dead, but I’m the ultimate in evil. My sons Hawkfrost and Brambleclaw are going to kill Firestar and take over the forest.
(Darkstripe) Oooh, can I help?
(Tigerstar) No.
(Hawkfrost) Yeah! i’m evil. And I wanna be RiverClan deputy.
(Brambleclaw) Yay I’m ThunderClan deputy.
(Hawkfrost and Tigerstar) There, Firestar’s caught in a fox trap! Kill him!
(Brambleclaw) No! I’m not evil! But on the other hand.. Hmmm… No! I’m not evil! *kills Hawkfrost*
(Tigerstar) Noooooo! You imbecile! Waaaaaaah!
(Firestar) Well done, Brambleclaw.
Yaaayyyyyyy peace and quiet. Again.
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WARRIORS: POWER OF THREE
(Lionblaze) I’m in a prophecy, and I’m being haunted by dreams of Tigerstar and Hawkfrost trying to convince me to be evil.
(Hollyleaf) I’m also in the prophecy. I’m smart and follow the warrior code.
(Jayfeather) I’m the third cat in the prophecy. I’m psychic and can time travel. Now leave me alone, you **** crowfood-eating **** mouse-brained **** ShadowClan **** pile of fox dung.
(Sol) You have a special destiny. *is mysterious*
(Ashfur) Squirrelflight, I hate you because you dumped me for Brambleclaw. So I helped Hawkfrost try to kill your dad. Except that didn’t work out, so now I’m going to kill your kits.
(Squirrelflight) They’re not mine.
(Ashfur) Oh. *lets Three live* *is killed by mysterious unknown cat*
(pretty much everyone) Sol did it!
(Jayfeather) Leafpool and Crowfeather are our parents!
(Hollyleaf) I killed Ashfur. *dies*
(Jayfeather) But now there’s only two of us! Oh noes! Wait … Whitewing’s kits are Firestar’s kin! So one of them must be the third prophecy cat!
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The omen of the stars
(dovepaw) Oh! A starclan warrior told me im special!
(ivypaw) Im jealous. at least a starclan (actally dark forest) warrior trained me.
(lion blaze) hey, your special.
(dovepaw) Oh really?
(jayfeather) leafpool! You ******************************************************************.
(leafpool) no need to be so harsh.
:neutral:(jayfeather) Whatever!
:twisted:(hawkfrost and tigerstar) Ivypaw, this totally evil thing i am telling you about is good. okay? And, your sister is a stuck up jerk.
(ivypaw) Yes awesome starclan warrior dudes.
(hawkfrost and tigerstar) Oh. About that…
*wakes up*
TBC
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Pretty much right, Rainbow*Star and Insane MLDM. Kind of funny, too.
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The Lightning Thief:
(Percy) Yay, I’m part god! And I can stab monsters and strangle snakes and telepathically push bullies into fountains! Except Mommy is gone. Waah.
(Zeus) Percy stole my lightning bolt.
(Poseidon) Zeus is mad at me for no reason.
(Hades) Percy stole my helm of darkness.
(Percy) *goes on quest with friends*
(various monsters) Roar. *attack*
(Percy) *fights monsters*
(Annabeth) *is smart*
(Grover) *eats stuff*
(Ares) Here’s a handy backpack with everything you’ll need.
(Hades) Oh look, my helm of darkness and Zeus’s lightning bolt are in your backpack. *takes helm* Now give me the lightning bolt too.
(Percy) *escapes with friends* *fails to save mom*
(Hades) I suppose I’ll have to return your mother, since you gave me back my helm.
(mom) Now that we’ve got Medusa’s head, I don’t think we’ll have to worry about my stupiid and mean husband anymore.
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Ohhh…. dead thread…. I’ll do a condensation of Kokopelli & Company.
(Urania) *is exact*
(Pwt) *tries to capture Crraw*
(Crraw) *runs away from Pwt*
(Chad) *does science*
(Mimi) *is nice*
(Feather) *eats donuts*
(Bo) *says random facts*
(AEIOU) *does stuff with arms*
(Kokopelli) *pies everyone*
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REVIVE REVIVE
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yays! I have been looking for this thread! Let us condense The Crucible!
ACT I
Girls: *does witchy things in woods*
Betty and Ruth: *is ill*
Adults: Ahh! they’re cursed!
Parris: call reverend Hale!
Abigail: Tituba cursed them!
Tituba: I work for the devil but I love god! save me!
Rev. Hale: we shall save you.
Abigail and Betty and friends: I saw (insert random name here) with the devil! *repeats*
END OF ACT I
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Jane Eyre
*everyone is mean to Jane Eyre*
Jane: Y’all are meanies! *goes to school* I’m going to be all smart and plain. I’m going to have an adventure and be a GOVERNESS!!
Mr. Rochester: I’m cryptic.
Jane: I love you. *weird things happen.
Mr. Rochester. Yo, let’s get married.
Jane: OK
Mr. Rochester: Oh yeah, I already have a wife. Will you be my mistress?
Jane: NO!!!!!!!!!! I love you, but I’m like a Puritan, so no. I must make a big deal about this and drag myself away. In the meantime, I will lose all my possessions and become one with Nature.
St. John, Diana, Mary: Hey, you can stay with us.
Diana and Mary: OMG physiognomy!!
St. John: *is a prat* I’m going to be a missionary.
Jane: *becomes even more of a prat*
St. John. I was kind of snubbed by this lady I like. Hey, we’re first cousins, and you just got a lot of money. Cool. I’m so religious, so I can boss you around cause I think I’m the coolest person in the world. I order you to marry me and come to India.
Jane: I like how you’re so religious and I think I should follow your every word. *last minute* No, sorry, I won’t marry you.
Diana and Mary: OMG physiognomy!
St. John: No! *goes to India* *dies*
Jane: *has a hallucination* Rochester is calling! *goes to Thornfield* Hey, the house burned down. *finds Rochester*
Rochester: Yay! Bertha is dead!! But I am blind and I lost a hand! Jane, I am not worthy of you!
Jane: I love you! *they get married and everyone lives happily every after*
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EVERY RPG (EXCEPT MAYBE BA) AND VARIOUS OTHER THREADS *coughcoughdissingmrjoeandjustfriendscoughcough*
MBer #1: Hey, GAPAs, I have an awesome idea for a thread!
GAPAs: *make thread*
Most MBers: Yay!
*frenzied posting**slow but steady stream of posts*
2 months later:
MBer #2: Deeeeeeaaadddd ttthhhrrreeeaaaddd.
1 day later:
MBers #3+4: *attempt to revive**which sometimes works*
If not…
6 months later:
MBer #5: Did I kill the thread?
MBer #6: GAPAs? Can we pwease have a new (thread name) thread?
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Some Quick Reads I did ages ago, and am finally posting.
The Princess Bride
Buttercup: Ooh, you’re hot!
Wesley: Ooh, you’re pretty!
*kiss*
Wesley: Now I must go make my fortune.
*dies*
BC(Buttercup): Wesley is dead! Woe is me!
Prince: You’re pretty. We’re getting married.
BC: Well, Wesley is dead and you’re prince, so I guess I could.
Evil Villain: We’re kidnapping Buttercup!
Evil Villain’s Henchmen: Okay.
*kidnap*
BC: Woe is me.
Evil Villain: Somebody is following us. Woe is us. But we can climb high cliffs and escape.
*they climb cliff*
EV(evil villain): The person following us can climb. Woe is us. Sword Henchman, stay behind and fight him off!
SH (sword henchman): Okay.
Follower: I have climbed the cliff. Let us fight.
*they fight*
*Follower beats off greatest swordsman in century*
EV: He got past him. Woe is us. Strong Henchman, you kill him.
STH (strong henchman): Okay.
*tries and fails*
EV: Woe is us. Now I shall have to fight him off myself. Well, I can do that.
*fails spectacularly and dies*
Follower who turns out to be Wesley: Woot. Now I rescue Buttercup from the Prince who mysteriously has Buttercup in his clutches again, because turns out he’s really the evil villain, and we shall live happily ever after.
*rescues*
BC&W: Now we shall live happily ever after.
*kiss*
Hobbit:
Bilbo Baggins(BB): Random dwarves keep popping up! Oh Noes!
Wizard&Dwarves: You’re coming with us to rescue treasures.
BB: Well, my father’s side is completely respectable, but my mother’s side likes danger, so I can come and blame it on my mother.
Random Elves: Fa La La La Lally!
*they go and be almost killed numerous times, but make it out somehow*
All: We got the treasure after causing a huge battle involving five armies! Woot! But several people died. Oh well. *frolic*
BB: I’m going home.
*does so*
BB: My ruse of blaming it on my mother didn’t work. Alas. I’m now seen as queer and unrespectable. But at least I’m still in one piece.
Random Elves: Fa La La La!
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REVIVE No one’s been here in over two months.
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Cool thread!!
Ultracondensed HP (pretty much any of ’em)
Dursleys: *are mean*
Weasleys: Don’t worry Harry!
Mean Teacher(s): Muahaha!
*A school year passes, various weird things happening*
Harry: *other people save the world from Voldemort* Nice People: Yay! You’re so wonderful, Harry!
Evil People, especially Draco: Wahh. No fair!
Dumbledore: Blah blah wisdom
*Harry rides home on the train*
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Los Angeles BB Cases:
Naomi Misora (MS): I screwed up on my last FBI mission, so I’m on a leave of absence. But I have a boyfriend, and the nickname “Misora Massacre”- hey look a string of freaky with weird settings!
L: Help me.
MS: Okay!
L: Great. Now, destroy this computer.
MS: Whaaaaat?
MS: Look, a crime scene!
Rue Ryuuzaki (RR): Y hallo thar.
MS: *suspicious*
RR: *helpful*
Details, details, bla bla bla crucial to the plot bla.
RR: Okay, so either B____ B______ or B_____ B_______ will die here, and they both live in the same buolding! I’ll go this one’s room and you go to the other one’s room.
MS: Okie dokie!
*waits*
MS: WARA NINGYO! CAPOEIRA! ZOMFG! *runs downstairs*
RR: *is burning up in flames*
MS: *fire extinguisher*
RR: *saved*
MS: Dood, I only saved you cause you’re the er. Punishmeeeent!
RR (now revealed as Beyond Birthday [BB]): Phooey. I didn’t beat L. His stupid sidekick did. Phooey again.
Four years pass.
Kira: Bwahaha!
BB: Urk! * Note’d*
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Tess of the D’Urbervilles: SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER SPOILER!
Jack Durbeyfield: I’m poor.
Parson: You’re actually the last descendants of a rich family, the D’Urbervilles!
Jack: Cool, I’ll send my daughter Tess to go get money from these other D’Urbervilles.
Tess: *goes to other part of county* Hi, I’m Tess.
Alec Fake D’Urberville: You’re so beautiful! Let me kiss you!
Tess: NO! I DON’T LOVE YOU! *tries to run away*
Alec: *violates Tess and gets her pregnant*
Tess: My baby’s dying!
*baby dies*
Tess: I’ll go to a dairy and forget ALL ABOUT my past!
*goes to dairy and works*
Angel Clare: You’re so beautiful, I love you too!
Tess: I love you! But so do the other dairymaids so I can’t marry you! *thinks to self, “plus I’m not a virgin!”*
*marries him anyway*
After they get married, Tess: I forgot to tell you. I’m not a virgin.
Angel: What?! You’re not the person I fell in love with! *goes to Brazil, leaving Tess in England*
Tess: *agonizes*
After some time passes, Alec: Tess! I have become a holy man and happened on you by chance!
Tess: Go away! I hate you!
Alec: I’m not holy anymore, you’re too beautiful!
Tess: Leave me alone! I’m married!
Alec: No!
*Alec keeps showing up and refusing to leave Tess alone*
Alec: Your husband will never come back!
Tess: Fine.
Alec: Yay! *takes her to boardinghouse and gives her money*
Angel: I love Tess too much to stay away any longer! *goes back to England*
Tess: Angel! I can’t love you! You were mean to me! *agonizes*
Angel: Nothing matters without my Tess!
Tess: My husband came back! Alec tricked me! *stabs Alec to death*
*runs away and finds Angel*
Tess: Angel, my dearest, we must run from the law!
Angel: Who cares! I love you!
*they are happy for a week*
Tess: Jail guards are coming for me! Promise you’ll take care of my family!
Angel: Okay! *marries Tess’s younger sister*
Jail guards: Ha, you’re in jail.
Tess: I don’t care, I saw Angel! Ha ha, I saw Angel!!
Angel: Meh.
END
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Oliver Twist;
Oliver-Please sir, may I have some more?
Cook-person-No. *various bad things happen*
Harry Potter;
Harry: I’m super special. *things happen* Yay, Voldemort’s dead! *marries Ginny*
My life;
Me-I’m sick/tired/sore.
Mom-Go to school/Go to school/Go to school
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Maximum Ride The Fourth. (Max)
Max- How will I save the world?
Everyone- Destroy pollution!
*beats up ugly brain-figure thing*
Everyone- YYAAAAAAYYYY!
*message fail*
Maximum Ride the Fifth
Max- How will I save the world more???
Everyone- Go in a submarine and destroy pollution!
*goes in submarine and discovers creepy monster*
Everyone- YYAAAAAAAYYY!
Me- Wait, what!?
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I had those mixed up… The fourth is The Final Warning and the fifth is Max.
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New Moon:
Edward: I’m not good for you. Bye.
Bella: NOOO! *is depressed for way too long*
Jacob: It’s OK, I’m here!
Bella: Nope. Rejected. I only love Edward.
Jacob: Cool, I’m a werewolf!
Bella: Whatever. Edward thinks I’m dead. I’m going to Italy.
Volturi: We rule vampires! Fear our power!
Edward: Bella’s alive!
Volturi: Fine, we’ll let you go.
*Bella and Edward leave*
FIVE MINUTES LATER:
Volturi: Why didn’t we eat her?
Other Volturi: Not sure.
Edward: Oh, Bella, I love you!
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Twilight:
Bella: OMG hot vampire who wants to eat me!
Edward: Kiss me, Bella! No, don’t! Wow, you smell good enough to eat…*stalks*
Bella: OMG you’re so hot.
*kiss*
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You forgot:
Let’s have kids!
*a couple of insane plot twists*
Oh no, bad guys!
*anticlimactic “battle”*
Yay! We beat them! *kiss some more*
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Jane Eyre:
Jane: I am lonely and sad!
Aunt Reed: Out of my sight, wretched child!
Jane: Fine! *goes to school*
EIGHT YEARS LATER
Jane: I’m bored! I’ll go be a governess!
French is spoken.
Jane: Ooh, my boss! He’s ugly but I love him anyway!
Rochester: I love you too, Jane! Let’s get married!
Whatshisname: Oops. He’s already married. To a crazy person.
Jane: Fine, I’m leaving then. *runs away* *things happen* *is saved*
St. John: Come be a missionary!
Jane: Nope. Rejected. *goes back to Thornfield* Oh no, Rochester’s blind! *marries anyway*
Rochester: I love you, Jane! And I’m not blind anymore! *semi-happy ending*
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Jurassic Park (book):
Kids: Wow, look, dinosaurs!
Adults: Uh, they’re ****ing eating us.
Kids: AAAAH!
Half of the adults: Oh no, I’m dead.
Kids: Darn.
Ian: Just kidding! I’m alive!
(Actually, that last part was in The Lost World)
Kids: Yay!
Government: We are bombing the island. Everyone get in this helicopter.
(they all leave)
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LOTR:
Gandalf: Frodo, you must save the entire world by destroying this ring which, although I’m ten times more powerful than you, I cannot do!
Frodo: Sure, why not?
Hobbits: *are freaked out by big monstereythings*
Aragorn: *slays monsters*
Gimli: *provides some semblance of comic relief*
Boromir: *wants ring*
Legolas: *is noble*
Sauron: *takes over Saruman’s domain*
Saruman: *wants power*
Legolas: *is noble*
*all venture stupidly into the mines of Moria*
Gandalf: *dies, comes back from the dead*
Gandalf-zombie: Oy, Theoden, wake up, dude! You’re being controlled by an evil wizard intent on destroying the free nations of Middle Earth!
Theoden: Oh. Whoops.
*flee to Helm’s Deep*
Legolas: *is noble*
*fight Saruman’s massive forces*
*are saved*
Frodo & Sam: *destroy ring*
Aragorn: Yay, I’m king again! Let’s undo the evil works of a previous insane ruler!
Legolas *is noble*
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60% Of The Books I Have Taken Out of the Library.
( Girl ) I love him so much!
8) Dude.
AAHH!
( friend ) You *.
WHAT?! *gets into fight*
Actually, I’m the perfect guy for you.
YAYYY! *makes up with friend*
8) *disappears forever*
WOOHOO! WE ARE NOW HAPPY!
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RED PYRAMID SPOILER!!!
Carter: i travel!
Sadie: hes a bloody idiot!
dad: Ill make things right.
sadie: i don’t wanna go to america!
amos: i am your uincle. your magicians. welcome to the house of life.
Muffin: hi! i am actally bast!
Sadie: WHAT!
Zia: take a portal.
bast: I am not dead ANY MORE!
Set: choas!!
(( to be cont.))
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pecy jackson:
8)I can control water!
annabeth: i love you percy!
8) i love you to annabeth!
rachel: no. he’s mine!
grover: pan!! Pan!!
nico: YOU KILLED MY SISTER!!
kronos: you shall be destroyed!!!
demigods: NEVER!!!!
Beckandorf: tell- silena- i- love-her
tyson: I love fish ponies!
kronos: noo!!! typphon is defated!
Gods: DIE FATHER/ GRANDFATHER
Luke. I will kill myself and kronos now. *dies*
annabeth: NOO!!LUUKE! *cries*
annabeth: i love you percy!
8) i love you to annabeth!
rachel: no. he’s mine! oh- wait, i’m the oracle. never mind.
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Ma vie a change (by Marie-Aude Murail):
(Madeleine) I’m going insane
(her son) Really? I didn’t notice.
At least I’m happier this way * becomes *
Hi, I’m your ex-husband and I want my son. Oh, b.t.w., I don’t believe in magical creatures.
and Shun the non-believer! Shun!
I love you, ! Will you marry me?
I have to ask my dog first and sic my elf on my evil step-sister, . *comes back* Yes!
becomes
Ahh, I’m going insane!
, and (and the dog) ride off into the sunset and live happily and insanely ever after.
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The Great Gatsby
Nick: I came to the East to learn the bond business. *goes over to Tom’s house*
Tom: I pretend to be in love with Daisy, but it soon turns out I’m having an affair with a fat woman who is the wife of a garage man!
Daisy: I’m happy in my superficial, ignorant life!
*Gatsby throws parties*
*rumors about Gatsby swirl at said parties*
*Nick becomes friends with Gatsby*
Gatsby: I say, old sport, do you want to help me get back together with Daisy?
Nick: Seeing as you’re my friend and she’s related to me, sure.
Daisy: Oh, Gatsby, you’re leading such a luxurious life, I want to have an affair with you! *they do so*
*Daisy and Tom come to one of the parties*
Daisy: Uggh, this is silly and ridiculous.
Gatsby: Old sport, I’m going to meet them for lunch, why don’t you come along?
*they go*
Daisy: Hey, let’s go to the city!
Tom: Fine, but what’s this I hear about the Wilsons moving?
Mr. Wilson: We are and what does it matter to you?
*at the hotel* Gatsby: Well, Daisy? Tell him you love me more.
Daisy: I… I love both of you!
Tom: Ha! She doesn’t love you and she never did!
Nick and Gatsby: …
*Daisy accidentally kills Myrtle*
*Wilson kills Gatsby and then himself*
*almost no one comes to the funeral*
Tom: I told Wilson because I didn’t bother to find out what happened from Daisy, that *expletive* deserved it.
Nick: You people sicken me. Yes, that includes you too, Jordan. In fact, the general nature of life here sickens me. *leaves*
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Logicomix:
(Russell) I am sad. My parents are dead and I live with my Victorian Grandmother.
(Frank) Let’s learn geometry!
Yay. Geometry.
And then we’ll assume this…
No assumptions! *wild rampage* I must escape to college and fix mathematics!
(Alys) I will tell you about philosophy! And then we’ll get married.
I am sad. Philosophers contradict one another. *gets married*
Yay! I’m married!
I am sad. I do not like my wife. I want to have an affair.
I hate you!
I will prove 1+1=2 in many pages with a mathematician.
*After writing 3 books*
(Whitehead) And then we’ll assume this…
No assumptions! *wild rampage* I must escape to activism!
We’ll protest! Yay! No WWI!
I must protest this war!
*blows whistle* You are opposing the war. You will be assimilated You will be put into jail.
I am in jail. I am happy. I am writing.
*3 months later*
I am in jail. I am sad. I am still writing.
*6 months*
I am free. I will suddenly reveal I’ve married again.
(Dora) We are ever so happy together! We have a son!
Yay. I am ever so happy.
Protest again!
We will protest as a family. We are ever so modern.
And then we’ll just assume you’re always right…
No assumptions! *wild rampage* I must escape to teaching!
We’re your misbehaving students!
Blasted brats. I’ll give a speech.
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Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season One: (WARNING: SPOILERS)
(Buffy): ‘Sup. I am destiny-ridden and full of Preppy Angstage. I don’t wanna slay vampires!
(Giles): Too bad.
(Master): I AM NOT FROM DOCTOR FREAKING WHO! And I want to end the world.
: Ooh, I has friendage!
(Willow): I’m really nice and nerdy OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU XANDER.
(Xander): I am oblivious and hilarious and the universe’s butt monkey. LAUGH AT ME.
(Audience): Heh. Xander.
(Angel): Hello. I am hot, dark, mysterious, hot, and brooding. Let’s have some gratuitous shirtless scenes. Holy cheesecake, I am a vampire! But a HOT one.
: Ooh, Angel. *heartage*
: Oh wow, Buffy. *hearts*
(Audience): Aww. Ooh, Angel. *drools*
Wait, am I not Evil Villain Dude? How come I’ve only had one line in this summary?
: Oh, right. Ima do some slayage first, ‘kay?
: ‘Kay.
: *slays like a ninja*
: Now we can has battle?
: I GET BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS! *slays *
Yay. We are Buffy’s friends. And we are featured in the Theme Song of Awesome, proving our awesome.
: Mmm, Angelage.
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Ooh, I like. I’ll continue. SPOILERS DEFINITE.
Buffy: I’m gonna be a bitca.
Friends: Oh no, you’re not. *get chained by ankles*
Buffy: OK, I’m not. *crushes Master’s bones*
Spike: I’m sexy and evil.
fangirls: *drool*
Drusilla: I’m insane and evil.
Joyce: *hits Spike over head with axe*
Ethan: *enchants costumes*
Giles: I was a bad teenager.
Jenny: I still love you even if I won’t say it explicitly. And I’m a pwnsome technopagan.
Kendra: Oh, look. I’m also a Slayer.
Everyone: That’s weird.
Xander and Cordy: I hate you! *smooches*
Buffy and Angel: *make out a lot while “patrolling”*
Jenny: Oh noez. I know something about Angel, but I won’t tell anyone.
Buffy and Angel: *do, uh, something*
Angel: I lost my soul and I’m evil now!
Buffy: Oh no!
Spike: Oh yes!
Drusilla: Angel! I love you more than Spike!
Spike: Oh no!
Oz: Hey, I’m a werewolf. And I love Willow!
Everyone: Aww…
Angel: *kills Jenny*
Everyone: *is sad*
Angel: Hey, let’s destroy the world!
Spike: But I like the world… *goes and makes a truce with Buffy*
Spuffy shippers: Yay!
Joyce: You’re a Slayer? Get out of my house.
Angel: *opens Acathla*
Buffy and Angel: *have an awesome swordfight*
Willow: *restores Angel’s soul*
Angel: Buffy?
Buffy: *kills Angel* *is sad* *leaves Sunnydale*
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From what I’ve seen of Season 3 so far: (SPOILERS. SPOILERS. WARNING, SPOILERS.)
Buffy: I can’t go back to Sunnydale. *angstage*
Chanterelle/Lily/Whatever: Help, I’m a pathetic blonde chick in great danger!
Buffy: Um… right. *goes back to Sunnydale*
Everybody: We are very mad that you are back. Or gone. Or whatever.
Joyce: I both love you and hate you, Buffy…
Zombies: BRAINS
Everybody: Aww, let’s all be friends. *are*
Angel: What’s up, beeswaxes? I’M BACK. And insane!
Me: And HOT!
Buffy: ANGEL!
Angel: Ooh, Buffy. *is no longer insane* But we can NEVER kiss again for completely incomprehensible reasons!
Buffy: *angstage*
Faith: I’s a slayer. Of the slutty, probably-evil variety.
Buffy: Life is full of suxage.
Mayor: I’m really nice, clean, ordinary, and totally normal. IN THE CREEPIEST WAY POSSIBLE.
Willow & Xander: *haben der big smoochen*
Everyone: WTC? Angel’s alive?
Buffy: Yeah, about that… WE’RE JUST FRIENDS.
Everyone: Yeah, right.
Mayor: Oh, and did I mention I’ve sold my souls to demons in order for political power? But I’m still really nice and normal. And CREEPY.
Spike: I MAKE A TEMPORARY REAPPEARANCE!
Me: *drools* Wow, Spike and Angel in the same room. My mind explodeth.
Spike: *leaves, to my great disappointment*
Oz and Cordy: *see Xander and Willow making out* Hey!
Xander and Willow: Um, is it too late to say we’re just friends?
Oz and Cordy: … Yup.
Buffy: Angel, I can NEVER see you again because I finally realized we will never be just friends because you’re SO FREAKING HOT. *drools, but with dignity*
Anyaka: I’S AN AWESOME DEMON LADY.
Mayor: And I’m just plain creepy. And nice and normal and clean and ordinary.
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Continuing! (ALSO MANY MANY SPOILERS BUFFY THIRD SEASON)
Xander and Willow: Hey, we’re all remorseful now! Seriously!
Oz: …
Cordy: WAH I HATE EVERYTHING THIS IS BUFFY’S FAULT I WISH SHE’D NEVER COME TO THIS TOWN
Anyanka: Done. *depressing parallel universe ensues*
Giles: *fixes it*
Willow: I’m all boring and predictable. Life sucks.
Anya: My powers are gone and I’m flunking math. Life sucks. Hey, maybe I can con a witch with more power than sense into helping me get them back! *does so* *things go wrong*
Vamp Willow: Bored now. Undeath sucks. *hijinks ensue*
Audience: *drools*
Willow: Wow, that’s “non-boring” me? Crap. She’s kind of gay.
Angel: Hm, is anyone else thinking foreshadowing?
Buffy: Shut up!
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Whoops, I seem to have skipped everything between Wish and Doppelgangland… been a long time since I watched S3 all the way through.
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SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS
A Doll’s House:
Helmer: Oh my silly little squirrel, you can’t have any money! You can’t be trusted with money!
Nora: But I can’t tell you that I actually took out a loan to save your life!
Krogstad: It’s okay, I’ll tell him, unless you get me my job back. By the way, it was also a forgery. So you’re screwed.
Nora: Ohcake.
Helmer: NORA! WHAT IS THIS LETTER! I HATE YOU! YOU CAN’T BE TRUSTED! Oh wait Krogstad changed his mind. I love you, my little pet squirrel! I shall be your conscience and your will.
Nora: I’m leaving you.
Helmer: But–
[Door slams]
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At a band party on Friday, a couple of my friends were reenacting the first half of Lord of the Flies. (SPOILER ALERT.) I recorded most of it on my cell phone; this is a rough transcription.
N: We’re on an island! Let’s take our clothes off! We can stand valiantly in the breeze and look in the water and swim in it, naked. We need a meeting! We need to meet! Oh my god, we need other people here!
Z: [says something]
N: Shut up, you don’t have the conch.
Z: I actually do have the conch.
N: No, you don’t have the conch. We need a fire, on the mountain.
Z: You guys broke my glasses!
N: I have the conch, stop freaking talking.
D: Let’s go kill some pigs!
N: No! We have to build a fire!
D: We have to kill some pigs!
N: We have to build a fire!
D: We want meat!
N: We need a fire on the mountain so we can get rescued or we’ll die!
[Yelling]
N: Oh my god, you let the fire go out!
D: But we killed a pig!
N: You let the fire go out! You let the fire go out!
[More yelling]
N: You don’t even have the freaking conch! You let the fire go out!
D: OH MY GOD WE KILLED A PIG!
N: Oh my god, we’re going to die, you let the fire go out. Where’s that little kid with the purple mark on his face?
[More yelling]
N: There’s a ghost! Oh my god!
Z: No there isn’t.
N: But you don’t have the conch!
D: I do believe in ghosts, I do believe in ghosts, I do, I do, I do, I do believe in ghosts! THE END.
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Mulan:
Mulan has a lot of angst about her reflection and then goes and runs people through with swords.
This from someone who has never seen Mulan. If you’ve never seen it, it’s easier not to get bogged down in plot points.
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My condensation:
Girl pretends to be boy, fights in war, gets caught, but lives happily ever after.
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Pokemon, condensed:
Boy tries to be the very best, like no one ever was.
Super Mario Bros., condensed:
Plumber rescues a princess.
Major Barbara, condensed:
Girl becomes socialist.
The Great Gatsby, condensed:
Some people die, some leave, no one’s happy.
The Lord of the Rings, condensed:
Guy throws jewelry into a volcano.
The 2008 presidential race, condensed:
Both guys sling mud, one slightly less unpopular.
The Wizard of Oz, condensed:
It was all a dream.
Inception, condensed:
It was all a dream, maybe.
Shrek, condensed:
An ogre marries another ogre.
Coca-Cola, condensed:
Used to have cocaine, now it doesn’t.
Harry Potter, condensed:
Teenager kills a creepy adult.
The history of video games, condensed:
The squares get smaller.
The history of the internet, condensed:
Ads increase.
The history of the United States, condensed:
Bang, bang, bang, bang, ratatatatata.
Firefly, condensed:
Totally and completely incredib–
MuseBlog, condensed:
I don’t even.
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“Teenager kills a creepy adult.”
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Twilight:
Bella: OMG SPARKLY
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That’s not really an accurate plot summary. At all.
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But it is true, I have to say.
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The point of this thread is to provide one or two sentence summaries of different books. So, yes, it is true that Bella is (very briefly) surprised by Edward’s sparkliness, but that is not the plot of the book. I have a feeling if I posted a summary of Watership Down that was just “woo bunnies!” several people would attack me for it.
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Not necessarily. Most of the summaries have been imagined conversations between the characters, and all have been in some way satirical.
Watership Down:
BUNNIES
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Right, that’s a fair point which I should have included. The difference being that most of those conversations do follow the plot and are still a condensed version of the book that could give someone a reasonable idea as to what the book was about.
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It’s not an accurate plot summary, I’ll agree.
It is a somewhat accurate indicator of the tone of the book.
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It may not accurately summarize the plot, but it’s an accurate summary of the responses of several people when I ask why it’s so excellent… Maybe that’s why I never chose to read it?
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It’s funny. End of story. DON’T QUESTION THE FUNNINESS!!!!! 
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I like your condensed versions, Piggy. I had no idea you were physically able to type in txt speak!
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omg yea i cn tk in txt spk lol. c?
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That’s scary. STOP IT YOUR SCARING ME.
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Who are you and what have you done with Piggy?
Good Omens:
Agatha Nutters: I see the future… exactly. Do not buy betamax.
Nuns: *misplace antichrist*
God and The Devil: Angels/ Demons, it’s time for the apocalypse!
Aziraphale/ Crowley: NO! D:
*Predictions come true- but interpretations are often wrong*
*London motorways turn into cold fire*
*Miscellaneous stuff happens, all of which Adam talked about*
*Witchfinders find no witches, but they find the antichrist*
Adam, the antichrist: Perhaps it isn’t time for the apocalypse. I love dolphins!
Everyone but God and The Devil and Megatron and Beezlebub:
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Crpnish! People from my original planet must have kidnapped Piggy and taken ens place! NOO! PIGGY!
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AAAAHHHHHHHH!
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The Rise of Scourge, condensed:
Tiny: I’m too small! Waah!
Ruby: You’re gonna get killed for being too small!
Tiny: No! I don’t wanna die! Waah! *runs into forest*
Tigerpaw: You’re too small! *humiliates*
Tiny: I’ll hate you forever! *runs away*
Tiny: *gets dog’s tooth stuck in collar*
Alley Cats: *ask about tooth*
Tiny: *lies*
Alley cats: We need you to get rid of that dog!
Tiny: I can’t do it! Waah! *finally makes dog run away*
Tiny: I want to be scary! I’ll change my name to Scourge!
Alley cats: Lead us, wise Scourge!
Forest cats: Let’s take over.
Scourge: I’m gonna be evil! *kills a forest cat*
Other Forest Cats: *run away*
Scourge: Yay! I rule the streets now!
Ruby & Socks: Help us!
Scourge: Go away! Hey, I just thought of a cool name! BloodClan!
Tigerstar: Help me take over the forst!
Scourge: OK! *waits, then kills*
Scourge: My name is Scourge and I HAVE WON!
(Disclaimer, don’t get the wrong idea, I love Scourge!)
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Super-condensed version:
A kit named Tiny, who lives up to his name, gets tricked by his siblings into running away and is beaten by a forest cat. He becomes an evil dictator of the streets and changes his name to Scourge. He then kills the forest cat that humiliated him before.
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Twilight:
Bella: Oh, Edward! I love thee so! But alas, we cannot be together, for thee is vampyre, and I ’tis only mortal. For if thee would wed me, it would make my father unhappy. And alas, several evil vampyres are hunting me, and so it would not work. Oh, Edward! *Bella faints*
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TWILIGHT SAGA:
Bella: That guy’s creepy. He ignores me, so I’m attracted to him.
Edward: That girl’s a loner. I’m mysteriously drawn to her blood.
Bella: Kiss me.
Edward: I’ll try not to eat you.
James: You smell goooooooooood.
Bella: Here, let me kill you. Ouch, I just got tossed into a giant pane of glass.
Victoria: You killed my mate. I’ll forever have a great deal of animosity towards you.
Edward: I love you, therefore I’m going to leave you forever and never call you again.
Bella: Wait…what?
Jacob: I can be your safe, reliable rebound!
Bella: Finally, a normal boy.
Jacob: Actually, I’m a giant wolf.
Bella: My suicidal tendencies cannot be subdued…
Edward: Neither can mine. I guess this means we should get married.
Jacob: What about me?
Bella: Not gonna work out, sorry. I’ll keep stringing you along, but in the end, I will prefer cold abs to hot abs and you’ll be left with my daughter.
Jacob: Good enough.
Bella: I’m pregnant with Edward’s vampire baby, but I’m going to die in labor.
Edward: I guess this means that it took four whole novels to decide the inevitable, meaning you get to become a vampire.
Bella: Yay!
Volturi: Yay!
Edward: Meh.
(This continues for eternity.)
THE END
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I think this is a better version than the real thing…
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Thanks!
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Ocean’s Eleven (I love that movie):
George Clooney ( ): I want to rob a bank to get money and make my wife fall in love with me!
Brad Pitt ( ): *between mouthfuls* I can help you with that.
But we need nine more people.
Other nine people ( ): Hi.
Well then, we’re set!
Julia Roberts ( ): Well, you can’t get me back.
Bummer. Well, I will if this goes to plan.
[insert montage here]
Matt Damon ( ): *is an idiot*
Don’t be an idiot.
Okay.
[more montage]
Yes! We got it.
Oh wait, I love you again!
Andy Garcia ( ): You’ll never get away with this! I will have you, Mr. Clooney, arrested for a very short amount of time for a crime unrelated to the theft!
Okay, adios. BRB.
~ AND THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER, UNTIL OCEAN’S TWELVE. ~
(The preview looks weird; I hope this works out. *purchases HTML Gnome insurance with some choklit*)
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Pokemon
Professor: Here, take one of these monsters and go gallivanting around the country, even though you are ten years old and have no means of transportation or shelter.
Trainer: YAY!
Professor: Oh, and take this amazing device and complete its database, even though I am obviously far better equipped for this job.
Trainer: Okay!
Professor: We’ll happily ignore the fact that you should probably be in school.
Rival: I am a jerk. You probably gave me an insulting name. Let’s battle.
Trainer: *wins*
Rival: WAAH!
Trainer: *catches Rattata, Pidgey, etc.* *grows stronger* *challenges Gym Leaders*
Gym Leaders: You won. Wait- if a 10-year-old can beat me, then how come I’m a gym leader again?
Evil Team: We are evil! Mwahaha! And very inconspicuous.
Citizens: Eh, whatevs. I’m sure that you can defeat them, can’t you, Trainer?
Trainer: Yeah. *does*
Rival: Let’s battle again.
Legendary: *appears out of nowhere*
Trainer: *catches*
Elite Four: Battle us! We will win!
Trainer: Erm… no. *pwns Elite Four*
Generation 1 Pokemon
Trainer: Everything is 2D and monochrome. OMG WHAT IS THAT PIXELLY THING?!?!?!?
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Oh, I can vouch for the insulting names, my brother named his rival “Stupid”.
“Hang on, Stupid, you’ll get your Pokemon later!”
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How about “Your Mom”?
“Your Mom challenged you to a battle!”
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Until I got Emerald, I always named my rival “Buttman” (I was in Elementary school) except in Silver, where I didn’t realise that when the cop asked you what his name was, you could name him. So my original Silver rival’s name is ???. In Soul Silver, I named him after my brother.
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Yeah, my brother let me play the beginning of his Crystal version without saving, and I was about to put ??? before my he explained what it meant… In SoulSilver my rival’s name is Joe, named after of course.
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My Pokemon phase lasted three hours, but I named my rival after a guy who was obsessed with Pokemon. (We had previously mutually annoyed each other to death and I was mad about it.)
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THE HOST:
Melanie: Oh no, aliens have taken over earth. I will hide with my brother.
Jared: You’re human?!
Melanie: I love you!
Melanie: Oh, I think that is my cousin, still human. I will go jeopardize everyone’s lives to contact her.
Alien: Don’t hurt your self! We are kind, loving, and cooparative and the earth is better with us in charge!
Melanie: I think I’ll kill myself.
Doctor: Don’t worry, we can heal her. *inserts soul to take over her body and find out where other resistant humans are*
Soul: My name is Wanderer. I can’t acsess her memories.
Seeker: I’ll just follow you around and try to learn them.
Melanie(In wanderer’s head): Let’s drive into the desert to look for Jamie and Jared.
Wanderer: Okay.
LATER
Wanderer:Oops, we’re gunna die here.
Jeb: Nope. I’ll save you, because I’m crazy, and let you go into the pocket of human resistance with me.
Wanderer: Thank you.
Jared: It’s Melanie! Wait, no it’s not. I’ll keep you here anyway.
Jared: Oh yeah, you have to be crammed into this hole though.
Jeb: Jared, go away on a raid.
Jared: Okay.
Jeb: Let’s call you Wanda. You can stay in Jared’s room while he’s away, even though he hates you. Oh yeah, and you can work too.
Jamie: You’re in my sister’s body. I like you though. You tell good stories.
Everybody: We like her stories too.
Jared: We’re back. What are you doing with …it?
Some: Wanda is our friend.
Walter: Yeah. I have cancer so you should agree.
Jared: Fine.
Walter: I’m gunna die.
Wanda: Oh no.
Ian: I am your friend. You can depend on me.
Wanda: I’m taking a bath before they kill Walter to take him out of his misery.
Kyle: I’m gunna kill you!
Wanda: I’ll save you, even though you just tryed to kill me.
Whew. will continue later
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Mythbusters
Adam: Let’s blow something up!
Jamie: Sure
*blows thing up*
Adam+Jamie: *laugh*
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You forgot the “WOO!” upon seeing the explosion, and the twangy guitar chord as the camera pans over the wreckage.
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“Busted?”
“Busted!”
I recommend “Edward Cullen vs. the Mythbusters”. Look it up.
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*falls over laughing* I think I found the one…on deviantArt/ That’s so funny!!! *continues laughing*
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The Hunger Games:
Katniss: I hate the hunger games. At least my sister won’t get picked.
Prim: *gets chosen*
Katniss: No, I’ll save you!
Peeta: Hi, I love you! Btw, I might kill you if you don’t kill me first.
Haymitch: *is drunk*
Cinna: *is insane*
(The hunger games start. People die.)
Katniss: Mine, precious shiny bow!
Rue: Hey, you’re really nice *dies*
(More people die.)
The capitol: We just changed the rules: two people can win together.
Peeta: I’m dying. I still love you.
Katniss: Great.
(The rest of the people die.)
The capitol: Oh, we just changed the rules: you have to kill each other. Have a nice day.
Katniss & Peeta: No way!
Haymitch: You survived! Now the capitol hates you. Keep pretending zo be in love with Peeta!
Peeta: I love you!
Katniss: Umm, I was just acting for the cameras.
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WHY RUE? *sobs*
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Because otherwise Katniss & Peeta would have died. I really liked Foxface, personnally.*could relate*
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Catching Fire:
Katniss & Peeta: Yay. We get to parade around all the districts whose kids we killed.
Capitol: Guess what? You get to be in the Hunger Games again!
Katniss & Peeta: Oh noes.
*Elderly people die*
*Cool people die*
Katniss: Must… do… this… thingy… I… don’t… want… to… die.
*Arena blows up*
Katniss: Freedom!
Plutarch: District 13!
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The Twilight Saga, condensed:
Bella: You’re hot, therefore I love you.
Edward: Eh. She smells good. Well, I love you too then.
(Some things happen here, most of which are trivial and confusing, involve werewolves, and are a vapid and sad attempt at a storyline.)
Bella: Oh, shoot, a lot of people died and are mad at each other because we need to be together.
Edward: Oh well. Oh look, a baby.
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A Farewell To Arms, condensed:
Henry: War is exciting and I love the Italian countryside!
Friends: Hey, want to meet girls?
Henry: Yeah!
*Go to hospital*
Catt: I love you.
Henry: I love you.
Henry: *Gets wounded, goes to hospital*
Catt: I love you and I’ll care for you forever and ever and I don’t care about anything else!
Henry: That’s really dependent and loopy, but I don’t care because I love you, too.
*Lots of romantic stuff*
Henry: Now I have to go back to the war.
Catt: I’m pregnant, but that’s okay, you go have fun.
*War stuff*
Henry: *Runs away, finds Catt again*
*Catt and Henry hang out by the lake*
Hotel guy: The Italians are coming to get you! You have to take my boat across the lake to Switzerland and escape!
Henry: We’ve got to row!
Catt: That’s okay, I like rowing, I’m such a good rower, I don’t mind anything if I’m with you.
*Escape across lake*
*Catt and Henry hang out in Switzerland*
*Catt goes to hospital to have baby*
Henry: These last chapters have been so great and romantic, I just KNOW we’re going to live happily ever after!
Doctor: Your son and wife are both dead.
Henry: Nuts.
The End
(I actually liked this book, by the way)
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You make the ending sound hilarious.
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I DID think they were going to live (reasonably) happily ever after!
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Either that, or…
The main character: Darn, why did my limbs have to be amputated?
I haven’t actually read the book.
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WIN.
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…It took me ridiculously long to get that.
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SPOILER SWEENEY TODD SPOILER SWEENEY TODD SPOILER SWEENEY TODD SPOILER
Sweeney Todd:
Todd: I hate humanity.
Lovett: I have the worst pies in London. (And I love you, Todd!)
Todd: Have some human flesh from people I’ve killed- shaved, I mean.
People: DELICIOUS MEAT PIES OM NOM NOM NOM!
Todd: I killed my wife! *shoves Lovett into oven* *is killed by insane apprentice-boy*
(Only the flat characters survive)
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Has anyone ever read Annie John?
Annie John: Annie has a lot of borderline-psychotic thoughts about her mother.
Why did I choose to read that book for summer reading? It’s the most depressing thing ever.
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Heh, here’s my summer reading
The communist manifesto: Le gasp! I just realized that perhaps the rich getting richer won’t help us!
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Animal Farm:
Actually, all animals aren’t equal, pigs are just better.
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My bio textbook reading assignment:
Neil Campbell and Jane Reece: We’re probably the best textbook writers out there due to the fact that we actually thoroughly explain most topics, especially the difference between a theory and a hypothesis. DO NOT CONFUSE THE TWO. WE WILL REITERATE THIS MULTIPLE TIMES. IF YOU CONFUSE THEM, WE WILL GRIND YOUR BONES TO MAKE OUR BREAD.
(Did anyone catch the Umbridge reference?)
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SFTDP
R&R Thread condensed:
Oh my god, I have this crush on this person, and they won’t look at me. My life sucks. (insert other complaints here) Various bribes if you read this all…
Replies:
– 8) I am experienced in the dating area, take this advice. Thanks for the various bribes.
– That’s horrible! OMG HUGS!
– : I AM GOING TO KILL THAT PERSON FOR NOT LOVING YOU BACK.
– : Uhm… I think you should ignore that person… Because I love you more…
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The Girl Who Could Fly, condensed:
Ah’m a fahm girl and ah can fly!
No. You are our daughter and flying is unnatural.
Awww! I’ll go fly at the first meeting I’ve ever had with other kids.
What the heck are you doing, retard girl.
Wait, they don’t like it when ah fly?
HEY FLYING GIRL GET OUT HERE FOR THE MEDIA
No!
Come to my school for people with special talents!
Okay!
I miss my parents!
I can make plants grow! Wait, no, he broke my favorite plant! WAAA!
I’m really smart and really mean.
Never fly.
Okay! *flies*
Bad girl!
is actually evil and wants to eradicate everything with special powers! We have to escape!
I can’t continue. I’m sorry. This is painful.
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From my limited memory of that book, I’ll attempt to finish it for you.
Ah like flying.
I’m being mean, yet right! I will escape along with :)!
No you won’t.
Yes I will.
No you won’t.
Yes I will.
No you won’t.
Yes I will.
No you won’t.
Yes I will.
Ah like flying.
Stuff blows up.
Yeah, so it turns out I get turned good by the Powah of Love. Also, my evilness was only due to Traumatic Events in My Past.
We’re making fun of for the nine thousandth time in the exact same way.
Yeah, but I showed up, and I’m not mean any more!
Ah still like flying.
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The Hunger Games:
Katniss: I dislike the Capitol.
Effie Trinket: Hey, Katniss! You’re in the Hunger Games!
Katniss: Darn.
*everyone dies except Katniss and Peeta*
Katniss: Hey, let’s defy the Capitol.
Peeta: Okay!
END OF BOOK 1
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Catching Fire (Spoilers)”
Katniss: *depression*
President Snow: I’ma get you!
*plots*
Snow: Hah! I put you back in the Hunger Games!
Katniss: Dang. Well, Peeta’s better than me, so I save him.
Haymitch: Ok. >.>
*hunger games* *people die*
Katniss: Arrow. Hole. Must shoot through.
*explosions*
Creepy Ship People: Yeah. We’re bring you to district Thirteen and you better not go insane.
Katniss: Really guys? Really?
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SFTDP
I forgot to say that those books are among my favorites, but they can be put very simply. Yeah. Had to make that clear. You should read them.
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Eleven Birthdays:
Amanda: I hate Leo! RAR! Hey, it’s the first birthday I’ve ever had without him.We have the same birthday… *is sad* *has a horrible birthday*
Amanda: At last, Saturday! My birthday is over!
Amanda: AHHHH! The day is repeating itself!
Everybody: Ummm….
Amanda: I DO NOT want to repeat this day one more time. I am staying home from school.
The next day
Leo: Hey! Amanda! I know I was a total jerk! But we’re both having our birthday repeat over and over again and no body else knows.
Amanda: I do not forgive you, however until we get out of this I will work with you and speak to you.
Leo: Let’s skip school.
Amanda: Okay.
Parents: Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar! Grounded for life!
Amanda: At least it’s all reset now…
Leo: Hey, if we go to sleep with things on, they stay with us!
Amanda: Good to know. Hey, if we are nice to everyone, maybe the time loop will stop.
*is nice*
*time does not go back to normal*
Angelina: Hey, I’m a witch. I had an enchantment put on you cuz your families used to fight a lot. So if you go more than a year without being friends you will be stuck in a time loop until you can resolve your differences.
*leo and amanda are friends*
*time goes back to normal*
Amanda: finally, after eleven eleventh birthdays!
It was a really good book though.
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The Sun Also Rises:
A bunch of Jake’s semi-dysfunctional/deranged friends convince him to go on vacation to Spain, where they drink, party, watch bullfights, and get on each others’ nerves.
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Hemingway is pretty easy to summarize, isn’t it?
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I would just summarize it thusly:
Cohn flips out.
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Considering I’m writing an essay about how he’s a foil to Jake… yeah. The whole book would be Break The Cutie, except Cohn is too annoying to be cute.
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It could also be a Shoot the Shaggy Dog, I think, with elements of a Crapsack World, morally speaking.
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Albert Camus’ The Stranger:
I don’t care.
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Heck to the yes.
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I think we need a new one of these threads.
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Fantastic Four Future Foundation:
Reed Richards: “I’m going to gather a group of bright young minds to use science to overcome the REAL, SERIOUS problems that our world faces.”
*beat*
“Okay, our first mission will be to stop some random, trippy crisis caused by time itself being broken and there will be flashbacks to an equally weird adventure Ben, Dr. Doom and I had back in college with my dad, who is apparently a time-traveling reality warper that somehow none of us ever told anybody we’d had until now. Or something like that, it’s confusing.”
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