As described in the original thread:
Coping with difficult situations, disappointment, depression, boredom, whatever unpleasantness life deals out. What tricks have you learned? What works for you?
Continued from v. 2013
Patience, Please
This site is under reconstruction and will look strange for a while. We regret the inconvenience.
So, I re-created this thread partially because I feel like a lot of us probably need it, and also for kinda selfish reasons.
I have attachment and dependency issues which I don’t feel like describing in-depth right now, but suffice to say that I really need ways to cope with not getting the amount of attention that I seem to desire from certain people. (The amount of attention actually being received ranges from “we have barely talked in the last couple of months and it’s kinda concerning but then again maybe I’m paranoid” to “realistically the amount of attention that you are giving me is completely reasonable considering that you are in fact a busy college student with a lot going on”)
Well the blog’s here and it won’t run off to college. In fact, standing still for a prologued period of time will probably grant you more sticky-sweet, slightly crusty attention than you ever hoped for (or wanted).
I don’t have any personal experience with what you described, but a friend of mine had some pretty serious codependency problems with her ex. One of the things she did that might apply to your situation was to expand her circle of casual acquaintances/attend more social type events (study groups, books clubs,…) because she struggled most when she was at home alone. Not a permanent solution but time (and counseling) seemed to help in her case.
Sorry for not coming up with anything better :/
Rós, thanks for restarting this thread! I’d be grateful for advice on homesickness, if anyone has some. Admittedly I’m still in the early stages- I left home two days ago to visit my grandparents in Michigan (with my dad) before leaving for England.
That said, I almost literally cried all the way here. (In public, for 15+ hours, in front of strangers; I am an adult.) At first I thought that was due to it just being a bad day; I hadn’t eaten/my connecting flight was monumentally delayed/a creepy man in a cowboy hat kept hitting on me at the Dallas airport. But I’m still tearing up every time I think about my mom, which is often. I miss her, and my house, and my squishy dog, more than I thought was possible.
I just have a feeling that this is going to persist for a while. Calling her did help a little, and I know Skype will, but any other tips? I really do want to enjoy my first year of college and avoid angst as much as possible, but right now, I also just want to go home.
Okay! So! I experienced this a lot throughout my entire childhood. Here is an important note, first off: it will get easier. In fact, it will get easier until someday it’s actually just easy. I am sure that’s hard to imagine right now, but I spent the first month or two of college walking around with this homesick about-to-cry pit in my stomach, and it eased up and eased up bit by bit until it wasn’t there all the time anymore, and I cried hysterically in the airport every time I left until I was just tearing up in the airport until the day I left to come back to school and just gave my parents a hug and walked inside, looking forward to getting back.
I’m not saying you’ll stop missing home or your parents, because I know I do still, especially on rough days, but that will change over time from acute homesickness to mild homesickness to a background thought to something that, 90% of the time, isn’t even on your mind at all. It’ll take time, but it will.
It’s not fun but still probably important to note that this might get worse when you get to school, because everyone will be going on and on about how exciting college is and how it’s the best time of your life when the truth is that freshman fall is, especially at first, pretty scary and pretty lonely. That will get easier too, but I know I found it helpful to know I wasn’t alone in that, so: know that everyone is putting a sunnier face on things than they’re actually experiencing, and know that many of them are pretty homesick (or lonely, or overwhelmed) too.
Calling parents helps. For me personally I tended to overuse this when I was younger, and at bad times (e.g. calling when I was already really upset), which wasn’t sustainable for me personally, so by the time I got to college I already had a plan in place to call my parents when I was in a good mood. I didn’t adhere to this 100%–definitely called them upset more than once–but it was a good baseline. I think I talked to them every day for the first six weeks, and then in October there was one day I just… didn’t need to. I’m in my senior year of college now and I usually Skype with my parents on Sundays and talk to them during the week like once each, if the timing works out. Making time to text and Skype friends from home was a good idea for me too.
Keeping busy helps (for me–this stuff is all subjective). Find people to do things with. Go to clubs. Do homework with friends. If you’re an introvert and need time alone to recharge 100% definitely take it, but also keep yourself busy. Not only will it distract you, but it’ll also help form some of the bonds that start to make being at college feel like living somewhere, rather than feeling like not living at home.
Find someone to talk to there when you’re feeling sad. A journal, maybe, or an RA? I talked to my RA about this a lot at first and it was helpful to have a listening ear. I have a therapist at school now who I super wish I’d been seeing then because she is wonderful and would’ve been a great person to talk to, but it was nice just having a listening ear. I also met a friend who admitted to being homesick, and it was nice not feeling alone in that emotion.
I called my parents every day for the first six weeks of college, and I think the last time I felt acutely homesick was sometime freshman fall. Home is still home, but college is home too now. I remember like two weeks into freshman fall I kept telling myself this: “You don’t care about anyone here now, you don’t know them, you don’t care about this place. But think about how much you miss your high school friends and the comfort of that routine and those familiar faces. When you graduate here four years from now, you’re going to miss this place at least that much.” I’m graduating in May, and I was right.
What all of this summarizes to, I guess, is–just get through it. You can’t do anything to make it go away because it will go away on its own. You can help that process by keeping yourself as comfortable as possible in the mean time and letting yourself feel your feelings, and by making friends and finding support networks and making college something a little like a home, bit by bit.
Also, if you want a listening ear, I’m always glad to do that. You know where to find me!
Aaaaaa Tess. It really is comforting to hear someone I trust so much tell me that the Sads will fade. ♥ (It’s also kind of good to know that I’m not the only hysterical airport crier.)
The calling-when-upset thing is definitely an issue for me (if I’m not already upset, I start crying again when I get on the phone). Today, though, I finally got Skype to work on my phone and got to talk to my mom, so progress!
I’m saving your post for future reference. Thank you for taking the time to type all this out!
Glad to help ♥ It’ll be okay, I promise.
This transitional period will actually probably be the hardest – once you get settled in England and start classes, you’re going to be meeting new people and you’re going to be very busy, and won’t have time to think about it as much. Skyping helps, I talk to my mom a lot through AIM, if your parents text there’s some apps that work internationally (I think WhatsApp, for instance does). College is a scary move for most people, and maybe it’s possible that your homesickness is also partly just fear of the unknown, which is perfectly fine, but should also go away as you get to your new place.
Keep in mind that you’ll be jetlagged when you get to England. When you’re tired or hungry or disoriented it’s a lot easier to get homesick, so don’t freak out if that happens. (The one time I actually was severely homesick was the second day of a festival I did in the Czech Republic – the first day I was too exhausted to notice. I called my parents at like 2am crying about how I missed them and couldn’t sleep etc and my mom was like, Lizzie, you can’t sleep because you’re jetlagged). You’re going to have a great time at college, you’re going to meet a lot of interesting new people, and that doesn’t mean you’re replacing anyone or anything at home, it’s just a way for you to grow as a person.
It’s definitely possible that this is partly fear of the unknown, and also sleeplessness- I’m holding out hope that once I move in and get onto English time, I’ll be a lot more stable. I think right now I’m just kind of unused to not being in control of all my feelings. That’s probably one of those Mature Adult things that I ought to get my head around.
Thank you for your advice! And for the much-needed reminder that I’m not replacing anyone/anything at home. The guilt is real sometimes.
Does anyone know how to cope with being generally mentally below average? Especially in the last couple years I’ve started to forget everything and struggle to follow simple instructions, which causes problems at work, school, and home. (Though the Parent*Storms say I’ve been forgetful and disorganized since I was little, so it’s possible I just didn’t notice before.) I tested negatively for both ADHD and autism, but still show enough attention problems that my college allows me to take tests in my own room with extra time, even though my symptoms aren’t severe enough for a diagnosis. I also struggle with driving, turning in assignments, and processing what people are saying even if I can hear them. What are some ways I can improve my memory, common sense, problem-solving abilities, etc. to be less of a burden on others?
You have my sympathy for that unpleasant limbo where you’re too high-functioning to get a diagnosis — I know it well. Memory and attention problems can be exacerbated by stress, depression, sleep deprivation, etc. Have the last couple of years gotten significantly more difficult?
(Also, your college sounds like it has decent disability services. Some places it’s hard to get accommodations even with a diagnosis.)
You have my sympathy and empathy in this as well. For the last several years I’ve been struggling to confront the fact that I have had a lot of memory problems in my life and they have only ever gotten worse. It ruined my relationship with my parents for my last few years living at home, and is still a source of major contention every time I return.
Can I ask how old you were when you were tested for ADHD? I’ve been reading it up on it lately, and in recent years, studies are FINALLY showing that girls (afab ones) manifest symptoms in significantly different ways than (amab) boys. One of the big ones is memory problems. The number of women who only get a diagnosis at age 20 or even later is growing as more doctors learn about and adjust their practices.
I haven’t done a TON of research on this–really, i just read like, two articles and then cried a lot about it. If you google the title “It’s Different For Girls With ADHD”, there’s a great article about this that comes up.
Anyway–this is not to push a diagnosis on you, I am DECIDEDLY NOT qualified in any sort of way, but–idk. For me it was such a relief to just learn that it might not be just me, and might not be a totally unavoidable fate. Even without meds, there’s techniques to deal with this sort of thing available too. But if you’re impeded enough to get special compensation for it–then you shouldn’t have to dismiss it as a “personal problem” and be expected to just be able to overcome it without assistance.
For short-term solutions: I had to FORCE myself to be SUPER DILIGENT with an assignment notebook/daily planner in order to keep track of homework and tests. I wouldn’t let myself get up and leave the classroom until I’d written down the assignments given that day.
Seconding this, developmental disorders can manifest differently in AFAB folks. I’m very likely somewhere on the autism spectrum, although we’re not sure if it’s actually diagnosable, sigh. Trouble with verbal processing is definitely an indicator in that direction too, might be worth checking out. Regardless, you deserve access to resources that help you. Good luck!
I second Jadestone’s recommendation about assignment notebooks.
One of my many employers made the whole office take a time-management class. I rolled my eyes when I heard about it, but in fact I wound up picking up some useful tips. “Start each day by making a list of things to do that day,” the trainer said. “You’ll think you don’t have time, but half an hour of list-making will pay for itself.” The rules were simple: Write the list down with pen and paper, not fancy software. Start a new list every day, even if you have to copy unfinished items from the previous list. Don’t worry about putting things down in chronological order; just write them down as they occur to you. Then, when you can’t think of any more, go back and number the tasks in the order in which you want to do them. Then do them.
I tried it, and it worked. Over the years, I’ve added new features to my lists. For example, I often draw arrows from one task to another to indicate which ones have to be finished before I can start other ones. Sometimes I write “Q” (for “quick”) next to tasks that will take almost no time to do, and then add “Q” as a separate entry to set aside time to barrel through a lot of little chores. Lately I’ve started supplementing my lists with a “Planner Pad” organizer, which I like very much. The details don’t matter. All I can say is, I’m not naturally organized, and lists help a lot.
As for your other concerns, I’m not an expert, but I agree with POSOC that some might be the result of stress or some other temporary cause. Meditation training might help with focus and concentration. And then there are those old chestnuts, sleep and exercise. Getting enough of them may be difficult in college, but it couldn’t possibly hurt.
I should try numbering my lists. I have started making to-do lists, but they occasionally backfire when I have too many things and can’t decide which to do first.
Numbering the items is an important step, even if you have to reorder them later. Making those decisions at the outset frees your mind to work on the things you’ve listed.
The trainer said we could also keep a separate long “master” list, but that we should copy onto the daily list only as many items as we could realistically hope to accomplish during the day. And, crucially, draw up a fresh list every day.
In an effort to regain control of my to do list, as an experiment, I bagged it all and made one rule: do one thing each day that I really hate to do. To my surprise it really helped me regain my balance. Doing one despised task each day filled me with the energy of feeling virtuous plus removed the guilt of not doing those other odious tasks, that I found it much easier to tackle the other items of the day. This wasn’t intended to be a permanent plan, just a starting point that I’ve built upon since. The key is that it started me on the path to clarity, which for me is really the essential ingredient to all of this.
Robert’s Qs reminded me of the 2-minute rule advocated by David Allen, the Getting Things Done guru. He advises that you immediately do any task that takes two minutes or less to complete. I find that helpful up to a point, although I’m much stricter about what I define as a qualifying item since I have yet to meet the 2-minute task I couldn’t expand into an hour or more, minimum. (For example, most anything involving the Internet is disqualified from this category.)
Heh. I will definitely need this idea this quarter, what with 21 units, work ~8 hours/week, and being on the executive teams of two different clubs. (Why do I always do this to myself?)
…I should do this. I’m really bad at knowing what I have to do. I have found myself a notebook and a fun colored pen and started today.
So first of all, I’m gonna second (third?) what Jadestone and shadowfire said. I’m another AFAB person who just had a lot of brainweird manifest really recently which makes things…interesting. Also props to your college, mine won’t do that for people who don’t have a “documented” disability.
I can definitely relate to what you’ve got going on – I have a very similar situation (though less severe in most ways)
Honestly I can’t really think of any advice that hasn’t already been mentioned (since honestly I kinda need that advice too) but there is one thing I can say: Don’t think of this as something that makes you a burden on others. I know that’s a really hard pattern to break out of – I’m still working on it myself. But do try to be kind to yourself.
Thanks to everyone for your advice. For the disabilities thing, I’m 18 and was tested for both ADHD and autism last year, so most likely no disorders, just kind of lazy and not that bright. That doesn’t mean I can’t improve my daily functioning though! I’ll try what you guys said about getting more sleep and making time management lists. First task: do this week’s forum post for my theater history class, and maybe do a bit of my longer-term essay. Will report back.
It has been my experience that people who think of themselves as “lazy” and “not that bright” are more likely to be disabled than either of those things.
Or not getting enough sleep, food, or sunlight; or under unreasonable amounts of stress; or simply having been told those things long enough that they believe them. But you’re not wrong, either.
Update: Finished my forum post but lost it because I accidentally logged out of the website, quickly retyped the main points with an explanation about losing the longer version, and submitted it a couple minutes before the deadline. So it’s not as long or good as it could have been but I did turn it in on time. It’s kind of late to work on my longer-term essay so I’m probably going to bed.
Shadowfire: I appreciate your concern and advice but is there really much I can do if I’ve already tested negatively for the two most likely disorders? If I ask my parents about further testing I worry it will just seem like begging for a diagnosis so I can feel better about my intelligence and get out of doing work.
Given you’re already able to access accommodations through your college, I think you’re probably fine without a diagnosis until you decide otherwise. (Although in America, testing for developmental disorders is often not covered by insurance after you’re 18 — reason I’ll probably never know for sure, haha.) The thing that worries me is that you talk about this like you think it’s your fault: “lazy,” “get out of doing work,” “burden on others…” You’re not deciding your work isn’t important, you’re having trouble remembering that it’s a thing. If you’re not disabled — something is still preventing you from functioning and it isn’t your conscious decision to be “lazy.”
Thank you, POSOC. I’ll try and remember that.
Okay… coping with a parent who doesn’t really care about you, and says she’s making decisions for your own good even though it’s the exact opposite of what you want and is at the same time throwing an emotional punch towards your other parent? Not to mention that she takes everything you say about her as an insult.
Me: “You say that word a lot….”
Her: “*Goes on a rant about how I insult her too much and that I need to know my place and that she doesn’t deserve that kind of talk from anyone*”
I’m sorry Catwings, she sounds childish and irrational. Maybe you could try communicating with her about what decisions you want to make and how you don’t mean to insult her? You guys understanding each other’s intentions better might help.
Does anybody have advice for what to do when a class becomes an anxiety trigger? I’m fine thinking about the class, doing the homework, whatever, but I’m developing a troubling pattern of having panic attacks during the actual class periods themselves. I think partly I’m stressed about a paper I’m having to write for the class, and partly I’m super frustrated with my prof’s teaching style, but I could totally cope with those things if I was able to, like, not have panic attacks about them. Aargh.
Do you guys know of a good way to find out what my skills are, for future jobs and such? My parents don’t want me to put myself down all the time by saying I’m not good at things, but none of us can come up with anything I’ve been competent at in the last couple years. I want to have more self-confidence to succeed in school, work, etc. but there seems to be a lot of evidence against it.
Is there a way I can fix this?
people tend to get good at things through practice and repetition; what are things you like to do or do often?
R*S, the most important skills for many jobs are the abilities to (1) get dressed, (2) show up on time, and (3) learn to do things. In my experience, if you can handle items 1 and 2, momentum will carry you through number 3.
Here’s something I’ve been realizing recently: That whole “find your passion” “realize your talents” thing that’s you’re always told? That’s absolute cake. Odds are you’re not going to have one thing you’re exceptionally good at. That’s a completely normal and ok thing. In reality, you just have to find a thing that you like and can be at least semi-competent at, and work your way up from there. (this probably does not sound comforting but it is meant to be)
So, I want to talk about trigger warnings.
One of the great things about MB is that people feel comfortable talking about their struggles, looking for support dealing with friends, etc. Many of us have also lived with mental illness. Sometimes, though, the overlap between the two can be an issue. Maybe you want to talk about something that upset you, but you’re worried that it will upset others, or maybe it’s the opposite scenario: I’ve talked to some of you who have mentioned getting “triggered” by posts – posts have recalled unpleasant emotions or memories you weren’t equipped to deal with at that moment.
In the past the solution to this was to use the Rants and Plaints thread. You have to be logged in to see it, though, and many of us read from comment view anyway which means it doesn’t really help. I want to suggest voluntary use of trigger warnings: just like if you were posting a spoiler for a TV show, if you’re about to post something dealing with something that might raise bad memories for another, take a second and put something like “TW: suicide.” on a line at the beginning of your post. I think this will also help get better responses – if people know what’s coming up they can be mentally prepared to think about what to do as they read.
This post isn’t based on any one comment or situation – it’s been coming up in off-blog conversations for several months now, where people mention being afraid to check mb for fear of running across posts they didn’t have the emotional stability for that day. I don’t want to limit what people post at all, though, and I am absolutely NOT trying to censor emotionally heavy posts. I’m hoping that this might be a sort of mid-ground solution to keep MB serving everyone’s individual need.
Oh gosh, I didn’t realize it was so serious. I’m sorry if any of my posts have been the ones causing trouble, and I can certainly try to include warnings in the future.
Adding onto this idea: Certainly not as a replacement to trigger warnings, but might it be beneficial to ask the GAPAs if there’s anyway to have a permalink to the private threads on the blog? It could be under the “Paleostuff” tab. Most of the time for me it’s not logging in that’s the problem, but finding the threads. Sometimes I’ll have saved links to one but not the other.
That should be manageable.
Thank you, Robert!
Soooo… it would be on the part that you need to be logged in to see?
The threads would still be invisible to anyone who didn’t have an account, yes.
Does anyone have any tips about feeling …low on willpower? I’m not sure how exactly to explain this but I’ll give it a go:
There are a bunch of everyday tasks that are fairly boring and require a moderate amount of effort (cleaning, laundry, washing dishes, exercise, showering, getting up early in the morning…) and for some reason I’m having trouble summoning the willpower to get off my butt and do them. For example, I used to wash my dishes right after using them, but for the past week they’ve been piling up until the sink is full (or until I run out of coffee mugs) because my motivation level isn’t really high enough to give me the impetus I need to get started. Ditto with cleaning. It’s not that I feel depressed, or that these tasks are somehow difficult. For some reason, these things are/were actually easier when I have/had more job-related work to do, since that remains unaffected and once I’ve got into productive gear inertia usually carries me through at least some tasks. It’s like everything requires a bit more effort than it usually does.
The only change I can think of is that my ex and I stopped skyping a week ago. But I don’t really know how I feel about that, and besides, it actually frees up my schedule a lot since we used to chat or skype from about 7 p.m. to 1 a.m. every night. Besides, we parted on good terms and right now I am just done with human beings in a romantic sense.
So anyhow, I put this on the coping thread since while I’m functioning, I have no idea where I went wrong and I want to fix it. Originally, I intended to do a sort of project instead of NaNo (reading & critically analyzing) and a few other general/self improvement projects (short daily cardio, eye exercises, learning Zulu, reading some books about religion and quantum physics and this guy who gets into a spat with a whale and just can’t let it go,…) and all of these things are either stalling or haven’t started at all. I have enough time, I sleep enough, I eat more or less healthily, I partake in the Brownian motion of human society on a daily basis,… what am I doing wrong, bleep it?
tl;dr Willpower, where can I get some?
Sometimes you just have to wait for a change in your mental weather. I often remember these lines by the poet Gary Snyder:
More willpower isn’t the answer. It’s a finite resource, and you’re probably spending it somewhere else right now, especially if you’re undergoing some internal realignment in the wake of a break up. Even the most amicable ones take their toll.
The maintenance tasks of life have always been a challenge for me, but recently I’ve made considerable progress. Maybe some of what I’ve learned you might find useful. The trick is to make the tasks as easy and convenient as possible, so that they don’t require willpower to see them through. As some fitness writer put it: don’t think in terms of “I need to exercise today”; instead focus on the goal of putting your gym clothes on. Then move to the next small, simple step.
The tl;dr is the poem Robert quoted.
For me, what seems to work most consistently is the 10-minute circuit plan (or on more desperate days, the 5-minute plan). That is, I promise myself to give 5 or 10 minutes to whichever chore I’ve decided to tackle. I can quit after that without guilt. (Examples might be rinsing out those coffee mugs and cleaning the sink or collecting all the utensils and dishes together or emptying the laundry bag into the washing machine.) Then on my next work break, I can put in another 5 minutes on that same chore or choose something else. And so on through the day.
If I go no further, at least that much has whittled a bit off the work that remains to be done. (If nothing else, it prevents the situation from deteriorating further.) Those little feats add up faster than you’d think. The sneaky part is that more often than not, if I do 5 minutes, I’ll do 20, or even complete the task — starting is by far the hardest part, made even harder if one thinks in terms of all that needs to be done instead of “what can I do in 5 minutes?”
By the way, I was initially inspired to try this approach by watching the aquarium diver at our local science center clean the oceanic decor at the bottom of the big tank. It’s a huge job. It looked like she was scrubbing the (faux) coral reef with a toothbrush. I was told that the divers put in about 20 minutes a day and complete the circuit each week. Light dawned. The power of incremental tasks was no longer theoretical. I could see right in front of me what could be achieved with a small investment of time each day.
I won’t pretend it’s always easy. Some days even 5 minutes seems like too much to ask. But the down times are fewer and much shorter in duration than ever in the past.
The specific plan doesn’t matter, though the general principle of breaking big tasks into small ones seems to be essential. The real key is using your brain to clear a path around the inertia rather than trying to bulldoze through with willpower.
The tl;dr is the Gary Snyder poem in Robert’s comment.
Five-minute “flash tasks” are a very useful tactic. Kitchen timers are great for that.
I have multiple layers of timers—stand-alone, computer, iDevices. Bells, buzzers, and quacks. And I still can totally blank them out of my consciousness. Another of my superpowers.
How about cats at mealtime? You’d need superduperpowers to ignore mine.
Strangely enough the only time that happens is when Trouble goes into assault-purr mode around 5:00 in the morning, when it’s not exactly helpful. The rest of the time they follow my lead unless I’m excessively late on the job.
Thank both of you! I used to use our kitchen timer at home for studying; I’ll try to get one to use here as well. I’ve settled on a sort of combo-version of my old study plan and what Rebecca said. Basically, the small chunk approach to get things done, and calendar in which I can put a swirl of color for each small task I’ve done that day.
Today I’ve already got orange, pink, turquoise and I’m trying to get light blue too.
I have whiteboards with little magnetic stars. In the past I have used poker chips with a big plastic bear that originally contained animal crackers. It’s surprising how much it helps to make those little acknowledgements of what you’ve done.
How do you deal with feelings of inferiority and the jealously resulting thereof? Like hearing that a friend is doing x, and feeling like someone stabbed you in the gut because you they’re living the dream you failed at.
((Anon because I don’t want any “oh, but you’re such a pielicious snuffleupagus!” posts; this isn’t about getting warm fuzzies.))
I feel the same way, except I really admire the person in question.
I’m familiar with this feeling. Mostly, I try to focus on other things I can do well. And I remind myself that I don’t have to rush. American college-prep culture makes a big deal about how if you’re not living the dream by 25 you’re a failure. That’s a tissue of absurd lies.
I can relate way too hard to this and unfortunately I don’t have a lot of good advice. My friend won’t shut up about oberlin- a really really really good college-while I’m planning on going to a much smaller (but still good, and suiting my needs!!) in-state school.
What I do whenever it starts to bug me is remind myself how comparatively low my tuition will be, and how I’ll be eligible for the scholarships they offer. Just comparing the numbers in my head, though it seems shallow and rude, helps ease the salt.
I think this is a fairly normal reaction to have and I’ve been thinking about it a fair amount lately. Whenever I feel it I try to remind myself that it’s not a zero-sum game – just because they got something doesn’t mean that you’ve lost anything, you’re still where you were before – and that life’s not a competition, everyone develops at their own speed and on their own path, and that other person either has had or will have their fair share of inferiority and heartbreak as well.
This seems like a pretty common feeling, one of my friends is studying to be a rocket engineer and while I love space, I don’t have anywhere near the math skills or interest in real science to do the same. I agree with what Lizzie said, remember that everyone learns in their own way at your own speed. We are all the prophesied Lego, et cetera. Try to compare your current achievements to your achievements from a few years ago, instead of your friend’s? They can accomplish great things but so can you. c:
Alright, so there is this woman who I know rather well, and I have strong feelings for her. I think she is a very beautiful woman, and I feel nervous and inferior around her. I don’t even feel comfortable saying hello. There aren’t romantic or sexual feelings, for sure. But why do I feel this way about this woman? And how come it just suddenly happened? I used to be rather close to her before, and she even came over to my house. I just suddenly started feeling this way towards this woman. How do I cope with these feelings if they don’t go away? And if it turns out that I’m homosexual, how do I cope with that, because I’m not really sure I’m comfortable with being a homosexual.
Alright Catwings, so here’s a thing: if you’re gay or bi anything like that, it’s who you are and it’s a thing you gotta learn to be comfortable with, which can definitely be a process because there’s a lot of nasty society stuff that kinda gets internalized (that’s a whole ‘nother conversation). That being said, it’s entirely possible that your brain just suddenly went “oh cake she’s gorgeous and I am a mere mortal in the midst of a goddess” which is also valid!
There’s definitely a lot of confusing feelings going on for most people your age, it’s just what happens in that part of life (I’ve definitely been there) and, though frustrating and confusing, it’s a normal and valid thing.
Yep, this isn’t necessarily a crush! I have friends who had ~ladycrush~ moments in middle school who still identify as straight.
But it might be a crush–the “suddenly just happened” thing is what happened for me. I didn’t “always know” I was queer, just one day in 8th grade I looked at a friend of mine and was like, oh wow she looks really cute today, and then half a second later my brain was like IN A NON-FRIEND WAY. OOPS. WHAT. I didn’t know how to cope with it either and spent the next 4 years pretending it wasn’t a real thing and that I was Yup Totally Straight 100% It’s Fine. I would not recommend this; it was super not fun. I was fine with other people’s queerness, but it took me a long time to adjust and figure out how to be okay with the idea that I was also queer. SO I don’t really have any personal experience advice. Just know that here I am a bunch of years later 100% happy to be pretty-gay me. You’ll get used to it. If you decide you think you might not be straight, practice saying it to yourself. Talk to us about it here. It’s a totally fine, A-OK way to be
Could be a non-romantic crush, referred to as a squish in some circles. The admiration and desire to be around and impress the person is there, but you would rather be close friends with them and listen to them talk about everything than kiss/hold hands/do couple things.
There’s also aesthetic attraction, or admiring someone’s appearance like you would a painting or a tree, but not in a sexual or romantic way.
Also thirding what Ros and Tesseract said, if you do turn out to be gay/bi/etc. that’s completely fine and we won’t think any less of you.
Oh huh, I’ve never actually put two and two together on non-romantic crushes being the same thing I think of as “friendcrushes” being the same thing as what I know people call squishes. I’m pretty sure I get those too. Interesting, thanks!
yeah, personally I say “friendcrushes” instead of “squishes” just because… not everyone is An Internet and I need to be understood by people who aren’t Internets. But it’s definitely all the same thing, and I have lots of them.
Oh my, I remember when we talked about squishes all the time.
They often feel the same for me, so when it comes to my attention that I don’t know which one it is, I imagine kissing them and see whether my response is closer to “I’d like that” or “nope, not doing anything for me”.
I starting strongly desiring friendships about the same time I starting wanting romance. So when I was 12, I met this girl, and we had a meaningful conversation, and I thought about her all the time, and I thought it was just about having a friend. Then I realised I had a crush on her.
Then, with a high school friend, I had strong feelings about her and wondered if it was a crush until I did the test above. I decided I loved her as a friend, and she happened to be pretty as well, but I didn’t want to date her or anything. I went through that whole thing in our first year of uni, as well, and I think once in the time between.
Update: I talked about it too much and my other friends started to get jealous and angry so yesterday they sat me down and told me to go away. So now I have no friends again.
Mkay, so for the last seven or eight months I’ve struggled with varying levels of being sad, unmotivated, and angry all the time. I’m often filled with directionless rage because of minor problems like having to do chores, and have weird compulsions to hit and break things, whisper stuff under my breath, or clap my hands really hard; my dad refers to these behaviors as “the crazies” and he among many others does not care for them. I’m tired and hungry all the time, am always too socially exhausted to want to see any other people, prefer sleeping to doing anything else, and spend entire days on the internet or lying in bed thinking about how much I hate myself.
This is seriously affecting my schoolwork, sleep schedule, motivation to get a job, and ability to interact with others, and I’d like to talk to a professional about it, but I’m afraid they’ll find out I don’t actually have any problems and most likely just wanted attention and special treatment, as has happened twice before when my parents got me tested for learning disabilities. Also, I’m self-obsessed enough that having an entire person hired to listen to me talk about my feelings would be exactly what I want, and might make things worse. Is it worth going to a therapist?
R*S:
Yes, it’s worth doing, and the sooner the better.
Short version: Yes, see a therapist as soon as possible.
Long version: Lemme tell you what I wish I’d known when I was young and dreamed of mental health. Before getting into therapy I dealt with the idea that I didn’t deserve therapy (including thinking I didn’t have any real problems and am just attention-seeking, a time-waster, etc) and tbh that’s one of the things that most hindered my coping process. It’s a lie. It was in my case and it is in yours. You deserve to seek the help you need, because you are valid and important and your problems are real. Looking for professional help makes you strong and brave, not weak or selfish.
Therapy is not an option for everyone, and obviously there are bad therapists in the world, but I am very much a proponent of the view that if good therapy is an option it is an option that people should take. It is almost never a waste.
Thirded. If you have the option to see a therapist, go for it.
I’ll try to reframe this a little:
You have specific, concrete behavioral and emotional “issues” that are negatively impacting on your life. They extend to the point where you sometimes have trouble functioning. You have struggled to overcome them on your own for eight whole months, but have reached a point where you do not feel you are making any progress. So you made the adult, rational decision to consult a professional to help you.
Side note, re: “I’m afraid they’ll find out I don’t actually have any problems […] as has happened twice before when my parents got me tested for learning disabilities.”
Tested negative for learning disabilities doesn’t invalidate your perspective or your struggle. It just means that what you deal with doesn’t yet have a shiny label. Which sucks and makes it harder to get the support you deserve, but doesn’t mean you don’t deserve support.
“Tested negative for learning disabilities doesn’t invalidate your perspective or your struggle. It just means that what you deal with doesn’t yet have a shiny label.” THIS, so much. A diagnosis is not about whether you have problems, it’s about what to call your problems. Official names can be nice to have but they aren’t the be-all and end-all.
I’ll chime in too! (Also, in the likelihood I’ve never interacted with you directly on the blog, hello!)
As a former attendee of therapy, I’ve found I recognize my own thought patterns (old and current) all over the place now. Many of us have worried the same things you have – how legitimate are my concerns – what if this is just my egotism speaking? I think probably in almost every instance (if not every!) therapy is a good answer. I was once told by my therapist that he thought everyone should attend therapy, whether or not they had conditions conventionally prescribed to be ‘in need’ (and honestly, as others have already pointed out, that weird divide of convention is kind of nonsense).
What therapy certainly can do for you is help you look at the way you think, and how you’re evaluating whether or not this is “self-obsessed” in the first place (I strongly think it isn’t). Even if what you’ve experienced turns out not to be an indication of an underlying cause, therapy can give you the tools to process it and put yourself in a happier, healthier mindset. No question.
I really endorse therapy and can’t think of any way it will make things worse for you. I know this is a hard leap to make – hang in there! I’m sending internet hugs your way!
Update: Talked to my dad about possibly going to a therapist about my clapping and whispering “crazies”. He thinks:
– I need to stop looking for a diagnosis or something to be wrong with me and use self-control to stop doing weird things for attention
– If a small child behaved like me people would try to help them, but I’m eighteen so no one cares anymore
– I don’t need to talk to a therapist when I can talk to him (Not really an option because I’m kinda scared of him, don’t really like him as a person, and immediately shut down and start crying when he tells me any true things about life or my personality.)
So, that could have gone better.
If he brings it up again (most likely if I can’t stop clapping, though I am really trying to stop) I could try to convince him that a lot.of people go to therapy for their general mental health, serious disorders or not?
R*S:
You’re not looking for a diagnosis; you’re looking for help. Therapy can help you develop self-control. You care enough to ask for help. And you clearly need to be able to talk to someone other than your father. Could you arrange for counseling on your own, through school or something?
Devil’s Advocate reporting for duty: Do you need your dad’s support/approval for this? As you pointed out, you are technically an adult and thus somewhat responsible for your own health. Can you get access to counseling via your university (I.e. for free, independent of parent*storms)?
To be clear: I don’t think that you should keep this secret from your parents. But I do believe that this is a decision that you have every right to make and follow through with on your own. Once you get started, you can inform your father that this is the route you chose to address the issues you all have observed, for xyz reasons.
TL;dr As an adult, you make the final decisions pertaining to your health. While you appreciate your parent’s advice, you have weighed all your options and made the choice you believe to be best. You would appreciate parental support but do not require their consent.
((Unless you need them to pay for the therapy, in which case an appeasement policy might be wiser.))
Obviously you are doing things you are ashamed of and want to stop for “attention.” Logic!
I don’t like your parents very much.
and, look, EVEN IF THAT WERE THE CASE, which I obviously don’t buy for a minute, it’s exactly that kind of thing that a therapist is qualified to help a person deal with!
Beyond that, again on the subject of diagnosis: something that gets lost in a lot of current discussions surrounding mental health is that “mental health issues” are something EVERYONE has. Speaking as someone who has Official Diagnosed Mental Illnessâ„¢ — literally everyone has mental health issues, no exceptions, in much the same way that literally everyone has physical health issues. Everyone including able-bodied people has got, you know, asthma, bad back, allergies, the occasional virus, the weaknesses of the changing body. Some people are basically healthy, some people have debilitating chronic conditions, but no one is at 100% mental health 100% of the time any more than anyone is at 100% physical health 100% of the time. This isn’t to say that illness (both mental and physical) isn’t serious and important, or that there isn’t stigma, or that ill people don’t need our own spaces. It’s just to say that I agree with gimanator’s therapist that therapy is good for literally everyone, and we as a culture need to stop acting as if mental illness is something extraordinary or as if only a select few people are deserving of mental health care.
also! using a family member as a substitute for a therapist is a bad idea regardless of your relationship to them. I’m very lucky in that I trust my parents and get along with them very well, and in that they are very understanding about mental health things, but I absolutely say things to my therapist that I wouldn’t say to them. For many reasons, a lot of which boil down to the fact that my therapist is a trained professional who knows how to respond to someone in my position. Talking to a family member or friend can be good, but it is not even a little bit the same thing as therapy. The dynamic is completely different.
tldr everyone deserves quality mental health care including you.
Well said, ZNZ!
This is late, but seconding or thirding the idea of seeking out help through your school. You’re in college, correct? There’s probably counseling available to students, and that should be confidential. Some schools offer the first few sessions for free as well.
Sftdp:
I hadn’t seen Robert’s post when I wrote mine- I second everything he said. Explaining therapy to your dad is an uphill battle that would be better sidestepped than fought directly.
And I should have guessed that Bookgirl was about to post one of her characteristically wise and pithy comments.
Update on therapy stuff: My dad has been gone setting up a biotech lab and taking care of his mother in Canada for two months, which is also roughly how long I’ve been able to not clap. (Still whispering into my hands, making downward chopping motions in the air, and hitting the softer and more quiet furniture when I want to clap though, so I’m not sure how much progress that is.) My mom agreed to take me to therapy and I’ve been going every week or two for a while. I think it definitely helps to be able to talk to someone about my worries and “crazies” without being judged or made fun of, and I’m trying to learn techniques to reduce anxiety. Also, the psychiatrist thinks I might have depression and OCD, which could both maybe be helped if I went on Zoloft. I’m willing to try it, but I’m also worried that I only like my psychiatrist because she gives me the attention and special-snowflake diagnoses that I wanted. And while I’m doing pretty well now, I’m afraid my progress will backslide when my dad comes home next month. I can imagine him mockingly saying “You don’t have OCD” really clearly, and I’m afraid he’ll want to drive with me to see my progress driving to work alone and he’ll start yelling and I’ll throw a tantrum and stop in the middle of the road with my head down on the steering wheel and we’ll get hit by another car. I have some time before he comes home though, so hopefully I can learn to not be so stressed and angry when he’s around.
Your psychiatrist acknowledges that your problems are real and not your fault, which is more than your father seems to. Does he just not believe in mental illness, or is it something that only happens to Other People and not his daughter?