Jokes & Riddles, v. 2009
One a year seems to be enough for our Jokes & Riddles threads. We’re not very funny people, it seems.
Date: February 9, 2009
Categories: Random craziness
Comments RSS TrackBack 346 comments
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bookgirl_me
in February 9th, 2009 @ 12:42First post…
We need to find MB humor…
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shadowfire
in February 9th, 2009 @ 14:11Yes, we do. I have a good one.
A man is having trouble housetraining his dog. He goes to the vet.
“What is the matter?”
“My dog keeps pooping on the carpet.”
“All right. Now, every time she does that, shove her nose in it and throw her out the window.”
The man does this for a few weeks, and eventually goes back to the vet.
“Is it working?”
“No, it’s not.”
“What’s the matter?”
“Well, now every time she poops on the carpet, she rubs her nose in it and jumps out the window.”Is it funny?
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I-Man ((William II, Official Summary Writer's Secretary, whose job requirements include reposting the latest summary when someone is confused))
in February 9th, 2009 @ 14:42Why is the state of Ohio different?
It’s high in the middle and round on both ends – O-high-O.
Lame, I know, but I like it.
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Robert Coontz (Administrator)
in February 9th, 2009 @ 16:06My six-year-old nephew loves that riddle. (He lives in Ohio.)
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KaiYves (Delta V)
in February 9th, 2009 @ 16:11Did you hear about the video of the classical concert that got banned?
Yup, “for graphic violins”.
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Alyss
in February 9th, 2009 @ 17:23Why do ducks have webbed feet?
-to stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
– To stamp out the burning ducks!Why can’t Helen Keller drive a car?
-Because she’s dead!
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Nthanda the Laugher
in February 9th, 2009 @ 17:426–Ha, those are great!
An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
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alvida-sama
in February 9th, 2009 @ 19:21Ha!~ I love it. that’s funny…lol.
the best one i know is :
~April showers bring May flowers. What do May flowers bring?
~Pilgrims. (the pun works better verbally)
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Piggy
in February 9th, 2009 @ 19:256- Hm. That’s not quite the version of the Helen Keller joke I’ve heard. Did you change it, or did you hear it that way?
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alvida-sama
in February 9th, 2009 @ 19:35Really? That’s the same version I heard, and I assure you that I don’t know Alyss personally…
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KaiYves (Delta V)
in February 9th, 2009 @ 20:37How do you dress up like Emperor Palpatine for Halloween?
Put on a black robe and throw up on your face.I know a guy with a rubber nose.
A rubber nose? But how does he smell?
Horrible!William Safire published this one in his column:
To what question is the answer “9, W”?
Do you spell your name with a “V”, Mr. Wagner?
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11.1
Ducky
in November 27th, 2009 @ 18:05I have a dog with no nose.
How does it smell?
Terrible!
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11.1.1
Piggy
in November 27th, 2009 @ 18:28Go away, Hitler. Your joke is ineffective.
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-*CTN*-
in February 9th, 2009 @ 23:07A prayer:
“God, give me patience, but quickly!”
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Cromwell
in February 10th, 2009 @ 11:04To what question is the answer chicken teriyaki?
Who was the last surviving kamikaze pilot?A pastor once brought some vodka to his sermon. Unfortunately, he was so nervous he downed the whole glass. The next morning, there was a note on the door that said:
There were 10 commandments, not 12.
There were 12 apostles, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his followers as J.C. and the Sunshine Boys.There were more, but not appropriate for this environment…
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Alyss
in February 10th, 2009 @ 14:049- That’s just the way I heard it. What’s your joke?
What’s brown and sticky?
-A stick!How many Dragon Ball Z characters does it take to change a lightbulb?
-Only one, but it’ll take at least 7 episodes.How many ADD kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
-Oooh, let’s go ride bikes!
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Adeia
in February 10th, 2009 @ 14:14hey! not cool! I have ADD!!!!!
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Rebecca Lasley (Administrator)
in February 10th, 2009 @ 15:07(15) So do I. And it sounds about right.
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Sunrunner Bramblewood
in February 10th, 2009 @ 16:04I checked into a hotel. Not a bad place, a little stark, but clean. I had hunkered down in room 233. The only problem was the towel rack- it kept falling off the wall. Whenever I hung up a towel on it, down it fell. I would call someone to fix it, and, allegedly they would, but the rack still fell down. Once it even fell off in the middle of the night for no reason- there were no towels on it!
So, I checkout and go back home. A week later, I hear the most terrible news- the hotel I stayed at had been bombed! No one died, thank goodness, but when I heard the police report I burst out laughing. See, they had been inspecting the rooms, and, when they got to room 233, they found the towel rack still hanging on the wall.It’s better when told verbally, but you get the general idea.
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Cromwell
in February 10th, 2009 @ 16:18A missionary encountered a group of cannibals.
I’m dead, he thought.
Suddenly a voice came down from heaven.
You are not dead, it said. Pick up the rock in front of you and throw it at the leader’s head.
The missionary complied. The cannibals were confused. Then they started running angrily toward the missionary.
Once again a voice came from heaven.
“OK, now you’re dead.”
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RoseQuartz/LadyG
in February 10th, 2009 @ 17:13I love these!!
OK, so here’s mine.
Little Kid: Mommy, is God a man or a woman?
Mom: God is a man and a woman.
Kid: Mommy, is God black or white?
Mom: God is black and white.
Kid: Mommy, is God gay or straight?
Mom: God is gay and straight.
Kid: Mommy… is Michael Jackson God?
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Luna the Lovely
in February 10th, 2009 @ 17:2819–
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Alyss
in February 10th, 2009 @ 18:02Pardon about the ADD jokes …
Heres another one:
How come seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay they’d be baygulls:)
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public like a frog (34 wung points.)
in February 10th, 2009 @ 18:17A political joke from russia: Putin and medvedev walk into a restaurant. Putin orders a steak. The waiter asks, “And for the vegetable?” Putin says, “The vegetable will have steak too.”
A cynical economics joke: In capitalism, man exploits man. In communism, it’s exactly the opposite.
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KaiYves (Delta V)
in February 10th, 2009 @ 18:19Two water-related jokes:
Deep sea diver: Help! I only have fifty seconds of air left!
Surface ship: Hold on a minute…Astronaut: I splashed down and my capsule’s filling up with water!
Mission Control: Capsize?
Astronaut: Well, the one on my head right now is a 7 1/2…
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Tessera Rose
in February 10th, 2009 @ 19:21I NEVER think up funny jokes. amusing little comic strips, maybe.
Person A: I can find the biggest raindrop in the world!
Person B: Oh yeah?
A: Well who flooded half the school?
B, with one of those nervous raindrops on their head: Erm…
Maybe you got it, but it’s really only funny with the pictures.
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Adeia
in February 10th, 2009 @ 20:2221- It’s ok… It’s just that I am not that absentminded
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Rebecca Lasley (Administrator)
in February 10th, 2009 @ 20:36(25) I wouldn’t call it absent-minded — more like full to the top and overflowingly minded. Or trying to sing along with many tunes at once.
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Adeia
in February 10th, 2009 @ 20:43OK I agree with the first part. for me I am also easily made to laugh and am really hungry when I don’t take my medicine
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Kokonilly
in February 10th, 2009 @ 21:2114, 19 – Hahahaha. Those are hilarious!
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-*CTN*-
in February 11th, 2009 @ 18:11MBer humor!
I’m not a very good joke-teller.
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Dodecahedron
in February 11th, 2009 @ 21:58.
What did the fish say when it hit its head on a concrete wall?
Dam!Knock knock!
Who’s there?
…nobody. what are you talking about? Are you okay? If the voices have come back we can take you to the nice doctors in the padded room…Knock knock!
orange! wait, no. crap. never mind.
(This elicits more laughs than when I tell the actual joke, but for different reasons. Original, which I can never get right:
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
banana!
banana who?
Banana!
Banana who?
(… this continues for a while…)
Orange!
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?)Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Ether!
Ether who?
It’s the Ether Bunny!
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☼Zinc the sorceress☼
in February 11th, 2009 @ 23:2729: I coined the term “MuserHumor” a few months back. That might work better. (it also sounds better!)
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Cromwell
in February 12th, 2009 @ 15:46(This joke is adapted for goyism)
Three people are talking. There is a pause in the conversation.
First: Oh man.
Second: So what?
Third: If you guys don’t stop talking politics, I’m leaving!
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-*CTN*-
in February 12th, 2009 @ 19:1431- It does. Okay.
Yay! MuserHumor!
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Adeia
in February 12th, 2009 @ 23:0632 – what’s goyism?
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Randomosity 101
in February 13th, 2009 @ 16:11OK, I’m not very funny, but here I go.
-Q How do you put an elephant in the fridge?
A You shove it in.
-Q How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
A Take out the elephant and shove it in.
-Q The King of the Beasts called all the animals to a meeting. Which 2 animals did not attend?
A The giraffe, who was in the fridge, and the elephant, who was defrosting.
-Q How do you cross a crocodile river?
A Cross it like a normal river, all the crocs are at the meeting!
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Alyss
in February 13th, 2009 @ 18:18A similar joke to the one above.
Q-How do you kill a blue elephant?
A- You shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
Q- How do you kill a red elephant?
A-You shoot it with a red elephant gun.
NO! You choke it till it’s blue, and then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
Q- How do you kill a purple elephant?
A- Choke it til it’s blue, then kill it with a blue elephant gun.
NO! There’s no such thing as a purple elephant!
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Thanks For All The Fish42
in February 14th, 2009 @ 11:48This joke is OK.
There were three fugitives.
They were Britney Spears, O.J. Simpson, and John Smith.One day the cops had O.J. simpsons in their sights, and were about to take him down when he shoute'”HURRICANE!!!”
All of the cops were scared and fled. O.J. got away.One day the FBI had John Smith in their reach, but he shouted, “TORNADO!!!” They all screamed and fled. John got away.
On the third day the FBI and the Cops had Britney Spears in their sights. They were done with letting people go, so they were going to shoot her in the leg where it woudn’t kill her.
They were counting down to shoot,”5-4-3-2-1-”
Britney spears cut them off and said, “FIIRE!!!!!!”I think that people will get this…….
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MissSwann
in February 15th, 2009 @ 07:3637- I get it. That one’s pretty old, but it still makes me smile.
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RoseQuartz/LadyG
in February 15th, 2009 @ 14:1237-
I could give you LOTS of Britney jokes, since my theater group is doing a parody of the Wizard of Oz in which Dorothy is Britney Spears. I also happen to be playing Scarecrow/Palin, so… *giggles insanely*
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Diane
in February 15th, 2009 @ 22:30Q. What would you call a man who got a pie in his face?
A. He’s been desserted~!!!
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MissSwann
in February 16th, 2009 @ 10:5539- 0.o I want to be in that play!!!!!
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RoseQuartz/LadyG
in February 16th, 2009 @ 11:5741- Oh, it gets better. Tin Man=Dick Cheney, Cowardly Lion=The Governator, the Wizard is Indian (the subcontinent), Glinda is a Goth and has a gang of tough munchkins (the Lollipop Gang)…
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crazyquotescollector
in February 16th, 2009 @ 12:37So… funny stuff, huh? What about us unfunny people? We are feeling bad and left out, and we’re gonna sue!
On that note, What did the lion say when he saw the zebra?
-Lunch!What does PETA stand for?
-People for the Eating of Tasty AnimalsWhat does EPA stand for?
-Excitable Propaganda AgencyAll done! Now I’m off to find my lawyer.
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Nthanda the Laugher
in February 16th, 2009 @ 18:0139–Hee hee…”If I only had a brain…”
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says “I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.”
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AthenianPsycho
in February 17th, 2009 @ 21:166- I heard a different version of that one.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
-Because she’s a woman!
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KaiYves (Delta V)
in February 18th, 2009 @ 11:13Kind of an old one:.
Two men and a woman are training to be assassins for some spy agency. A supervising officer takes the first man to a door and says “Your wife is sitting in this room. Take this gun and go in there and shoot her to prove your loyalty.”
The guy takes the gun and goes into the room. He comes out a few minutes later and says “I’m sorry, but I just can’t shoot my wife.”
So they send that man away and call in the other man. He does the same thing.
The officer takes the woman to the door and says “Your husband is sitting in that room. Take this gun and go shoot him to prove your loyalty.”
She goes into the room, the officer hears gunshots and a loud thump, and the woman walks out, saying:
“The gun was full of blanks, so I had to club him to death with the chair.”
Never mess with a woman!
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♫ Agrrrfishi {Aggie}♫
in February 18th, 2009 @ 15:2946-
funny…Here’s another that my brother told me…
A duck walks into a bar, takes a stool, and asks the bartender, “Got any grapes?”
The bartender, who is in a bad mood, turns around and tell the duck,”We ain’t got no grapes. This is a bar. Buy something or get out.” The duck gets up and leaves.
The next day, the man opens the bar, and who should come back but the same duck as yesterday. He asks, “Got any grapes?”
The bartender’s getting pretty mad. He tells the duck, “No, we don’t have any grapes, I told you yesterday. Get out of here, and if you come back again I’ll nail your beak to the bar.” The duck gets up and walks away.
On the third day, the duck walks in and sits on the stool. He asks the bartender, “Got any nails?”
“No,” the bartender says, “why?”
“Got any grapes?”
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AthenianPsycho
in February 18th, 2009 @ 19:4147-I know a cheburashka version of that one…
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RoseQuartz/LadyG (10 wung points)
in February 18th, 2009 @ 19:5047- That’s a good one…
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public like a frog (34 wung points.)
in February 18th, 2009 @ 21:06Another putin joke: The ghost of stalin visits putin in a dream. Stalin says,”i have some special advice for you. To be a great leader, first you put a statue of a banana on top of the marinsky palace. Then, you paint the kremlin blue. Then, you shoot all the dissenters.” Putin asks, “Why blue? Why a banana?” Stalin says, “I knew you wouldn’t ask about the last one!
And here, a stalin joke!
Stalin wanted to find out what the people really thought of him, so he dressed up in peasant clothes and snuck out of the Kremlin, and went to a workers’ bar. He sat down and ordered a vodka, and turned to the guy next to him, and said, “So, what do you think of this guy Stalin?” The other guy blanched, looked quickly around to be sure nobody was listening, leaned in close and whispered , “Actually, I kind of like him.”
And finally, a dubya joke!
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, “You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?”
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?”
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. “You really ARE Einstein!” he says. “Welcome to heaven!”
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.
Picasso asks, “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?”
Saint Peter says, “Go ahead.”
Picasso erases Einstein’s equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. “Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!” he says. “Come on in!”
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, “Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?”
George W. looks bewildered and says, “Who are Einstein and Picasso?”
Saint Peter sighs and says, “Come on in, George.”
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Luna the Lovely
in February 18th, 2009 @ 21:3250–hehe, liked the last one.
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Nthanda the Laugher
in February 18th, 2009 @ 21:5750–Ha ha! Luv the Dubya one.
A very worried woman visited the doctor’s one day.
“Doctor, my husband limps because his left leg is an inch shorter than his right leg. What would you do in his case?”“Probably limp.”
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Faye Beauchamp
in February 18th, 2009 @ 22:19Oh no. Please tell me now before I spaz and write down the jokes. Are there rules? As in, can we tell blond jokes, jew jokes, and nun jokes? Please?
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hobbit
in November 6th, 2012 @ 17:48I am blond and Jewish and not a nun.
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Tesseract
in February 19th, 2009 @ 07:0753 – I’d be careful with those, if they’re really offensive they’re better left unsaid.
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Luna the Lovely
in February 19th, 2009 @ 08:5753–I’m blonde, I don’t care if you diss the entire blonde population.
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Faye Beauchamp
in February 19th, 2009 @ 13:41Mkay. Well.
One day, a blonde decides she wants to go ice fishing. So first she reads some books, y’know, does some research on exactly how to ice fish, gets some supplies, and off she goes to the ice. Well, she sets down her stool and starts to cut a hole in the ice when suddenly a voice booms out form the heavens, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.” Startled, the blonde moves across the ice a couple feet, puts down her stool, starts to cut a hole, but again, the voices says, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.” Now truly worried, the blonde goes all the way to the other end of the ice, sets down her stuff, and starts to cut a hole when again the voice booms, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.” The blonde looks up and asks, “Is that you, God?”
“NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK.”
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♢RoseQuartz♢ (10 wung points)
in February 19th, 2009 @ 15:0756-
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Luna the Lovely
in February 19th, 2009 @ 15:1456–hehe, I think I’ve heard that one….
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KaiYves (Delta V)
in February 19th, 2009 @ 16:27Once, there was a rich old lady named Ms. Able who lived in a fancy apartment in the city. One day, she went shopping, but forgot her purse, with all her money in it, on the table in her apartment. Ms. Able realized this, and started walking back to the apartment, but she got run over by a taxi and died.
Her building super sold Ms. Able’s apartment to a businessman, who saw the money on the table and tried to grab it all up. Ms. Able’s ghost showed up and screeched:
“THIS IS THE VOICE OF MS. ABLE! I SAY THE MONEY STAYS ON THE TABLE!”The businessman screamed like a girl and ran out of the building. Then the super sold the apartment to an art student, who saw the money on the table and ran over to grab it. Again, the ghost showed up and shouted:
“THIS IS THE VOICE OF MS. ABLE! I SAY THE MONEY STAYS ON THE TABLE!”So the art student ran out of the building screaming, just like the businessman. The super sold the apartment again, this time to a family with a baby boy. The parents were making dinner when the baby saw the money and crawled over to play with it. Yet again, the ghost showed up and shouted:
“THIS IS THE VOICE OF MS. ABLE! I SAY THE MONEY STAYS ON THE TABLE!”The baby boy stuck out his tongue and said:
“This is the voice of Peter Piper! I say the money goes in the diaper!”
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Faye Beauchamp
in February 19th, 2009 @ 20:41In case you haven’t noticed, I type jokes as I say them in my head, so pardon any grammatical errors. I get very informal with mine speech. And there are very enthusiastic hand motions.
Entyways.So one day, this blond decides that she wants to go horseback riding. So, y’know, she does some Google searches about how to ride a horse, goes and gets a helmet and a jacket and riding boots and stuff like that, and then she goes and finds a hores. She gets on the horse nice and easy and away they go! And this blonde, she’s just galloping and riding and having so much fun. Well after a while, she decides that she’s tired of riding the horse, but she can’t remember how to stop the horse! So she figures that she can just kind of jump off of it and land safely on the ground, but this doesn’t work because her foot gets caught in the stirrup! So the horse is still running along and her foot is still tied to the saddle and the blonde’s just being dragged along and her head keeps hitting the ground and just as she’s about to pass out, the manager of the Wal-Mart comes out and unplugs the horse.
<3
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Luna the Lovely
in February 19th, 2009 @ 20:4660–hehe, funny.
Sad to say, I actually know someone (blonde) who would actually be that stupid. I just am glad I’m not even close to a stereotypic dumb blonde….
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Piggy
in February 19th, 2009 @ 21:33I guess it’s my turn to tell a “dumb blonde” joke.
There are three women, all recently deceased, standing at the bottom of the stairway to the gates of heaven. One has brown hair, one red, and the third blonde. St. Peter tells them, “There are three thousand steps to get to heaven. Every one thousand steps, I will tell a joke. If you laugh, I’ll have to send you straight to Hell.” So the three women begin climbing the stairs. A long while later, they reach the 1000th step. St. Peter appears and tells them their first joke. Immediately the brown-haired woman laughs and is sent to Hell. The redhead and the blonde do not laugh, and so are permitted to begin the next leg of their journey. Eventually they reach the 2000th step. St. Peter comes again and tells another, even funnier joke. The redhead, not able to keep from bursting into laughter, is cast down into Hell, leaving the blonde to climb the last thousand stairs by herself. Finally she reaches the top of the staircase, and St. Peter appears one last time. He proceeds to tell the blonde the funniest joke yet, but, astonishingly, she keeps a perfectly straight face. St. Peter exclaims, “Well, you did it! Welcome to heaven!” He opens the gate and the blonde walks in. Before she can even look around, she explodes in hysterical laughter. “Wow! You held your laugh in that whole time?” he asks. The blonde responds, “No! I just got that first joke!”
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☼Zinc the sorceress☼
in February 19th, 2009 @ 22:56Three blondes walked into a bar. Funny, you think one of them would’ve ducked.
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Kokonilly
in February 19th, 2009 @ 23:32Dumb blond jokes! I know a ton, though I have nothing against blondes…
There was a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde trapped on a deserted island thirty miles out from land. The redhead swims out five miles, gets exhausted, and swims back. The brunette builds a raft, but it falls apart ten miles out to sea, and she is forced to swim back. The blonde swims out fifteen miles, then gets tired, and swims back.
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trust kokopelli
in February 20th, 2009 @ 07:40I don’t get it.
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Robert Coontz (Administrator)
in February 20th, 2009 @ 07:53(65) It’s arithmetic. She’s 30 miles from land, swims 15 miles, and then gets tired and turns around and swims back.
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Thanks For All The Fish42
in February 20th, 2009 @ 11:33Okay, because everybody else is doing blonde jokes, I’ll do one.
It’s a wierd joke because it talks about guys not girls, but go along with it. It’s still funny.There were three men that were workers making a building.
One day while they were all having lunch up on a platform. The Brown-haired worker opened up his lunchbox to discover a PB+J sandwich.
“If I get a PB+J sandwich one more time, I’m gunna’ jump off this building!”
The Red-headed worker opened up his lunchbox to find spaghetti and meatballs.
“If I get spaghetti and meatballs one more time, I’m gonna’ jump off this building!”
The blonde worker opened up his lunchbox to see that he had a tuna sandwich.
“If I get a tuna sandwich one more time, I’m gunna’ jump off this building!”The next day, the brown-haired worker got PB+J, and jumped off the building.
The red-headed worker got spaghetti and meatballs, and jumped off the building.
The blonde haired worker got a tuna sandwich, and jumped off the building.All of the wives appeared at the funeral. They decided to have them all together, as they were all good friends.
The wives of the brown ad red-haired workers were discussing how their husbands could’ve just told them what they wanted for lunch.
The wife of the blonde worker walked in on the conversation.
She said,”Thats funny, my husband packed his own lunch yesterday.”
—————————————————————————This joke always makes me laugh.
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67.1
hobbit
in November 6th, 2012 @ 17:52I never understood those jokes I mean I am blond and I am slightly above average intelligence
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Thanks For All The Fish42
in February 20th, 2009 @ 12:00I’m sorry that I’m double-posting, but I just thought of a great riddle.
It’s kind of popular, SO YOU CAN’T GOOGLE!!Whats more powerful than god,
More evil than the devil.
The poor have it,
The rich need it,
And if you eat it, you will die?
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69
♢RoseQuartz♢ (10 wung points)
in February 20th, 2009 @ 12:1668- Nothing!
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Thanks For All The fish42
in February 20th, 2009 @ 12:23Yup!
My teacher used that as a bonus on a test and I was completely baffled….
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71
♫ Agrrrfishi {Aggie}♫
in February 20th, 2009 @ 15:50Since we’re telling blond jokes…
One day, a blond woman decides that she wants to learn how to fly a helicopter. She goes to an instruction class, takes a course, and then takes a flight test. She gets into the helicopter, and the instructor tells her to radio down when she has reached 2000 feet. She begins to fly upwards, 500 feet, then 1,000…Suddenly, the propellers stop and the plane comes crashing to the ground. Luckily, the blond escapes unharmed.
When she climbs out of the wreck, the instructor angrily asks what happened. The blond scratches her head and says, “I don’t know. I got cold, so I turned off the big fan.”
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72
Thanks For All The Fish
in February 20th, 2009 @ 15:58WOOOOOOOOW.
That’s pretty funny…..
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KaiYves (Delta V)
in February 20th, 2009 @ 17:42Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Zoe.
Zoe who?
Zoe meet again!
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74
Beavo
in February 20th, 2009 @ 18:07Meh, all the jokes I know are racist or dissing Jewish people. Well, not all of them… I think…
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75
Errata (Not Starfire!)
in February 23rd, 2009 @ 15:28Oh, jokes! Coolio! *reads all preceding posts*
Blonde:
How do you kill a blonde?
Put a scratch-and-sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.What do Gandhi and Mary Poppins have in common?
Gandhi walked everywhere barefoot, so he had big calluses on his feet.
He also didn’t eat much, so he was skinny.
And, his strange diet gave him bad breath.Therefore, he was a Super-callused-fragile-mystic-hexed-by-Halitosis.
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76
SudoRandom
in February 23rd, 2009 @ 15:35why do monkeys have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers!what do you have when you have George Bush buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
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77
Robert Coontz (Administrator)
in February 23rd, 2009 @ 15:38(75) That reminds me of a song parody I wrote when I was 10:
.
Pneu… mono, ultra, micro, scopic, silicovolcanoconiosis,
Even though the sound of it is reallysomethingterriblyatrocious,
If you say it loud enough they’ll forget your halitosis,
Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis!
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78
SudoRandom
in February 23rd, 2009 @ 15:44so, bill gates goes to heaven, and st. peters can’t decide if he goes to heaven or to hell. so he says, “all right bill, you get to decide.”
and bill says, “well, can i look at them first?
so st. peters takes him to hell and there are a bunch of fancy cars and arcade games and great food and stuff. and he goes to heaven and there are a bunch of people sitting around talking politics. so he decides to go to hell. next week, st. peters goes to check on Bill, and he’s chained to a rock being flayed with a whip. and bill screams to peter, “what happened to all the good stuff?”
and st. peter says, “no, that was just the screen saver.”
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79
SudoRandom
in February 23rd, 2009 @ 15:47there are two penguins in a bathtub. One says, “pass the soap.”
and the other one says, “what do i look like, a typewriter?
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Tesseract
in February 23rd, 2009 @ 15:4877 – You sound like you had an interesting childhood, Robert. What exactly is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis?
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81
SudoRandom
in February 23rd, 2009 @ 15:5380-a lung disease caused by the inhalation of very fine silica dust, causing inflammation in the lungs.
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82
Vendaval
in February 23rd, 2009 @ 16:2479- No soap, radio!
80:81- Also notably: The longest longest word in a major dictionary, but it was specifically coined to be the longest word.
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Cliff Eagle
in February 23rd, 2009 @ 16:30BEST DUMB BLONDE JOKE OF ALL TIME
*checks to make sure it hasn’t been told*A blonde walks into the salon, wearing a pair of oversized headphones. The hairdresser sits her down, and asks her politely to take over her headphones.
“Are you nuts?” asks the blonde.
“No, honey, I can’t cut your hair if you don’t take them off,” replied the hairdresser.
“No!”Realizing that the blonde would be resistant, the hairdresser starts cutting her hair, but halfway through, she sneakily swipes the headphones off her head. The blonde screams and dazes pitifully at the hairdresser, and then collapses.
When the police investigated the murder scene, they picked up the headphones and heard, in a soft voice,
“Breathe in. Breathe out.”
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84
Thanks For All The Fish42
in February 23rd, 2009 @ 16:3279) I don’t get it.
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85
SudoRandom
in February 23rd, 2009 @ 16:5382- it’s definitely soap…
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86
Robert Coontz (Administrator)
in February 23rd, 2009 @ 17:14(80) Well, of course. You don’t think people with ordinary childhoods grow up to become GAPAs, do you?
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♢RoseQuartz♢ (10 wung points)
in February 23rd, 2009 @ 17:2684- *joins club* Neither do I.
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88
SudoRandom
in February 23rd, 2009 @ 19:2587&84- MUAAHAHAHA! i seriously thought that when i read 87- no lie.) CONFUSION HAS SET IN!!!
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89
Tesseract
in February 23rd, 2009 @ 19:2986 – Mmm, well, yes. You do have a point there. ;D
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SudoRandom
in February 23rd, 2009 @ 19:30The Devil and Jesus are both typing on their computers, and lightning flashes and thunder rolls, and both of their screens go blank. the devil weeps because he lost everything, but jesus has no problem because Jesus Saves.
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KaiYves (Delta V)
in February 23rd, 2009 @ 19:41Where does Dracula go when he visits New York City?.
The Vampire State Building.
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SudoRandom
in February 24th, 2009 @ 15:1591- nice.
why did the chicken cross the road?
to get the chinese newspaper.
get it?
neither do I, i get the boston globe.
(funnier when told verbally.)
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Adeia
in February 24th, 2009 @ 18:3379) I don’t get it…
I sent in a riddle awhile ago…. do the GAPAs need me to resend it?
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Rebecca Lasley (Administrator)
in February 24th, 2009 @ 19:54(93) Sorry, Adeia, I forgot to post it earlier:
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94.1
JJjetplane-girlw/catsâ„¢, thinking about shortening/changing her name
in November 27th, 2009 @ 12:05I got 64 triangles … so far.
hmm … 35 squares is the highest I’ve gotten as of yet.
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94.2
Maths Lover ♥
in December 21st, 2009 @ 00:4131 squares
66 traingles
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95
Luna the Lovely
in February 24th, 2009 @ 19:5894–26 squares, I think. Triangles…..too many to count–I got lost around 63. I think.
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96
-*CTN*-
in February 24th, 2009 @ 20:05I got 30 squares. Never mind… 35? Not all of them are actuallt squares, though…
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Cliff Eagle
in February 24th, 2009 @ 20:49Q:How many republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 5. One to call the electrician and four to mix the martinis.Did you hear about the evil dyslexic who sold his soul to Santa?
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Piggy
in February 24th, 2009 @ 21:2897- A. That doesn’t make sense.
B. Why Republicans? Are you saying I’m an alcoholic?
C. See A.
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JJjetplane-girlw/cats
in June 3rd, 2009 @ 19:40Satan mixed up is Santa.
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Errata
in October 5th, 2009 @ 18:16A dyslexic who didn’t even notice that it was Santa thanks you! I was wondering why that joke was funny…
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bluefire27
in November 22nd, 2009 @ 17:25Your blog name is Errata and you are dyslexic. Funny, seeing as words probably appear erratic to you. Hmm…
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Errata
in November 22nd, 2009 @ 18:26I can actually read well. I just have a problem with spelling. I was expecting to read Satan, so I did, I assume. Something.
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SudoRandom
in November 11th, 2009 @ 16:37Piggy was talking about the republican joke.
There’s a good song about Santa and Satan. It’s on the Tim Tang Test.
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99
♫ Agrrrfishi {Aggie}♫
in February 24th, 2009 @ 21:31What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid?
Someone who worships the tree that is not there.
What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid mathematician? Someone who worships the square roots of the tree that is not there.
What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid veternarian? Someone who worships the bark of the tree that is not there.
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SudoRandom
in February 25th, 2009 @ 14:58read this out loud.
this is this cat
this is is cat
this is how cat
this is to cat
this is keep cat
this is an cat
this is idiot cat
this is busy cat
this is for cat
this is forty cat
this is seconds cat.now read the third word of each sentence out loud.
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101
Rebecca Lasley (Administrator)
in February 25th, 2009 @ 15:00(100} As it happens, a cat walked across the keyboard just as I was trying to moderate your comment.
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102
MissSwann (15 Warhol Points)
in February 25th, 2009 @ 15:05101- They are infamous for that, those felines.
What do a bike and a duck have in common?
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103
Adeia
in February 25th, 2009 @ 15:4196 – it as close as i could get it…
There are 35 squares and I was just curious to see how many triangles there are…
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SudoRandom
in February 25th, 2009 @ 15:55102- my brother says they both hate each other and are both in that joke, and my mom says the k.
what do you get when you cross the atlantic ocean with the Titanic?
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105
Luna the Lovely
in February 25th, 2009 @ 16:29104–a disaster. and a bunch of dead drowning people
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KaiYves (Delta V)
in February 25th, 2009 @ 17:38Stupid space joke:
I know this really unlucky guy.
Really? What happened to him?
When part of Mir fell down, it crushed his new outhouse. The paint hadn’t even dried on it yet.
Why was he building a new outhouse?
Because when part of Skylab fell down, it crushed his old one!
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SudoRandom
in February 25th, 2009 @ 19:41105- close. Halfway.
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108
public like a frog (39 wung points)
in February 27th, 2009 @ 17:08Barack Obama plans to issue an executive order on his first full day in office, directing the closing of Guantanamo Bay. He said he needs the money for new prisons to hold Democratic mayors and governors.
McCain said Iraq and Afghanistan have a common border. No wonder they can’t find Osama bin Laden. We’ve been searching an imaginary border.
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109
Dodecahedron
in February 27th, 2009 @ 19:04103- I count 88 triangles but they’re starting to waver so it’s confusing.
I assume that we’re not allowed to tell dead baby jokes? I mean, they’re sickening, but still kind of funny in the second-worst possible way.
(off topic: 107- please tell me your name is a reference to the run-the-following-command-as-root command in linux and not a misspelling of pseudo? I need to be certain.)
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Alyss (the green one)
in February 28th, 2009 @ 08:24109- I’m all for dead baby jokes (cuz they’re, yes, a little bit funny), but we’ll wait and see
Johnny was a chemist’s son,
But Johnny is no more.
What Johnny thought was h2o
Was h2so4!-Officer, Officer, I’ve lost my electron!
-Are you sure?
-I’m postive!(chemistry jokes. See how low studying has brought me?)
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111
☼Zinc the sorceress☼
in February 28th, 2009 @ 09:24102: You’ve told this one before. “Wheels, except for the duck! *dies laughing*”
Grape told me some violinist jokes, but I’ve forgotten them.
A doctor, a lawyer, a kid, and a priest are all on an airplane. Suddenly, the intercom crackles to life and they hear the pilot shout, “MAYDAY! MAYDAY! We’re going down, but we only have four parachutes! I’m taking one- bye!” And the pilot jumped.
“I’ve saved thousands of lives, so I think I should get one!” the doctor said. And he jumped.
The lawyer said, “I’m the smartest man in the world, and I’ve solved millions of cases. So I’m jumping!” He grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest turned to the kid and said, “I’ve lived a long and happy life, and I know I will go to heaven. Take this parachute and go.”
The kid reached behind a seat, saying, “No, you take that one and I’ll take this one. The smartest man in the world just took my backpack!”A kid is playing by the lake, when he sees a Porta Potty. just for fun, he decides to tip it over, and runs from the scene.
That night at the dinner, his father told the story of George Washington about how he chopped down the cherry tree, but did not lie about it. The kid feels guilty and tells how he knocked down the Porta Potty.
His father leaped up and started spanking him.
“But, Dad!’ he wailed. “I told the truth, like George Washington did!”
“Yeah, but Washington’s father wasn’t in the cherry tree when he chopped it down!”A woman has four husbands: a millionaire, an actor, a hairdresser, and a limo driver. One day, a friend asks why she needs four husbands. She replies, “One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!”
A man peers over his fence and sees the neighbor kid, Billy, with a shovel and a big mound of dirt.
“What are you doing, Billy?” the man asks.
“I’m burying my dead goldfish,” Billy says tearfully.
The man is surprised. “But, if that’s for a goldfish, why do you need such a big mound of dirt?”
Billy replied, “Cause he’s inside your cat!”
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JJjetplane-girlw/cats
in June 3rd, 2009 @ 19:37Did you find these in the Bathroom Reader’s Book of Fun?
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112
SudoRandom
in February 28th, 2009 @ 09:44(109- Don’t worry.)
the whale
put jonah
down the hatch
but coughed him up
because he scratched.
burma-shave.Does your husband
misbehave
grunt and rumble
rant and rave?
shoot the brute
some burma-shave.ben
met anna
made a hit
neglected beard
ben-anna split.
burma shave.
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SudoRandom
in February 28th, 2009 @ 09:52by the way, 109-
2 computer geeks are talking, and one of them gets hungry, so he says to the 2nd guy, “make me a peanut butter sandwich.”
the other guy says, “what? no!”
so the first guy says, “Sudo make me a peanut butter sandwich.”
and the other guy says, “Okay.”
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Thanks For All The Fish42
in February 28th, 2009 @ 10:01109- My brother always tells baby jokes, and I laugh. I go to school and I tell people and they look like they’re going to throw-up.
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115
SudoRandom
in February 28th, 2009 @ 10:31what are dead baby jokes?
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116
KaiYves (Delta V)
in February 28th, 2009 @ 11:16115- Not funny.
Who was the first person from Indonesia to go into space?
Some local farmer who picked the worst possible day to climb Krakatoa.
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♢RoseQuartz♢ (10 wung points)
in February 28th, 2009 @ 14:11111- I’ve seen that one before, wasn’t it a Boy Scout?
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Dodecahedron
in March 1st, 2009 @ 10:05113- xkcd is so much win.
Also, try typing “fortune” (no quotes) into Terminal/Konsole/whatever your command line’s called. sometimes fun things come out. such as:What’s the difference between a duck?
One side is longer than the other.
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119
the mole
in March 1st, 2009 @ 16:25a guy goes door to door looking for work. He walks up to one house and says: “Paint your porch” he comes back an hour and says that his cars a Ferrari, Not a Porsche!
bu-bum, Crash!
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JJjetplane-girl w/cats
in March 1st, 2009 @ 19:00A snail goes to a car dealership and asks to get a big “S” painted on its sides. Why? Because, when people see it, he wants them to know who’s driving.
“Look at that S-car go!”
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121
KaiYves (Delta V)
in March 1st, 2009 @ 19:08120- Ha, ha!.
Do robots have sisters?
No, just transistors.Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Francis.
Francis who?
Francis full of French people!
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122
Cromwell
in March 1st, 2009 @ 19:27A Pole, a Russian, a Brit, and a New Yorker are walking together. A reporter goes up to them and says,”Excuse me, but what is your opinion of the meat shortage?”
The Pole says,’What’s meat?” since Poles are too poor to have meat.
The Russian says,”What’s an opinion?” because in Russia noone is allowed to have an opinion.
The Brit says,”What’s a shortage?” because there are no shortages in jolly old England.
The New Yorker says,”What’s excuse me?”Here’s an old Russian-Jewish joke.
If you tell a peasant a joke, he laughs thrice.
When you tell it, when you explain it, when he gets it.
Now a noble laughs twice.
When you tell it and when you explain it. He never gets it.
A soldier laughs once, when you tell the joke.
He doesn’t let you explain it.
A Jew stops you in the middle of the joke and tells you why your version is wrong, and then he tells it, except it’s so much funnier that even you laugh.
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123
☼Zinc the sorceress☼
in March 1st, 2009 @ 20:23A French man, a British man, and a stupid man are all in Canada to hunt. The French man goes out and comes back with a rabbit. The stupid man asks, “How’d you catch the rabbit?” The French man replied, “I followed thee tracks and caught thee rabeet.” Then the British man goes out and comes back with a moose. “Wow, how’d you catch the moose?” the stupid man asks. “I followed the tracks and caught the moose.” Then the stupid man goes out. He comes back empty handed but all beat up. “What happened?” the other two ask. “I followed the tracks andd got hit by the train!”
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SudoRandom
in March 2nd, 2009 @ 09:02all right, TPHAOA, here goes nothing. (see AE thread.)
there’s this magician who has a job on a cruise ship, and he’s pretty good at it. every day, he has a trick to perform. he makes flowers disappear , he makes scarves disappear, he makes balls disappear, he can make anything disappear. now, the captain has a parrot, and the parrot watches him all the time. the parrot sees him perform the same trick every time, and eventually, he figures it out. so whenever the magician does a trick, the bird ruins it by shouting out “behind his back! behind his back!” or “in his coat! in his coat!”
so, for obvious reasons, the magician really, really hates the parrot. now, one day, the ship crashes and everybody goes down, except for the magician, who grabs onto a plank, and the parrot, who flies over and lands on it. so they sit in silence for a few days, until the parrot says, “okay, i give up, where did you put the ship?”
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125
Peace_Pie_ The_Beatles_Rock!
in March 2nd, 2009 @ 16:226- Very Funny. I tell those kinds of jokes to my friends all the time. It annoys them
ALSO. . . EVERYONE STOP TELLING DUMB BLONDE JOKES!!!!!!! They aren’t funny!
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126
Daisy*chain
in March 2nd, 2009 @ 16:51125- Some of them are… I’m a blond, and I don’t find them offensive…
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Peace_Pie_ The_Beatles_Rock!
in March 2nd, 2009 @ 17:24126- I don’t really think they’re that funny. I’m blonde too, and I think the jokes are as stupid as the blondes in them.
(Did that make sense?)
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KaiYves
in March 4th, 2009 @ 12:57124- That’s brilliant!
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JJjetplane-girl w/cats
in March 7th, 2009 @ 13:10Prank call:
u: is Mr. walls there?
person: no
u: is Mrs. walls there?
person: no
u: are there any walls there?
person: get out! the roof will fall in!
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130
Adeia
in March 7th, 2009 @ 15:01129 – Do you mean to say:
u: is Mr. walls there?
person: no
u: is Mrs. walls there?
person: no
u: are there any walls there?
person: no
u:get out! the roof will fall in!
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131
Luna the Lovely
in March 7th, 2009 @ 15:06Prank calls wouldn’t work so well anymore, in the age of caller ID and such. I mean, unless you have an undisclosed number, or call from a payphone, then the person’s got your number. Or possibly even your name. I know when I was housesitting one time, they had this caller id that spoke to you, and when my parents called, it would say “[Dad’s name] calling”…….
So…..
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KaiYves (Delta V)
in March 7th, 2009 @ 15:37From an old SNL skit…
The headlines the day Martians invaded Brooklyn:
“We Got Martians up Da Wazoo!”
“Nuttin’ Can Stop Dem!”
“Dey Are Maniacs!”
“Mets Sweep Doubleheader!”And, in case you’re wondering, no, I DON’T talk like that.
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133
SudoRandom
in March 8th, 2009 @ 11:19this is one my friend made up, so it’s still kind of sketchy. i think it has potential, though.
knock knock
who’s there?
no-one
no-one who?
knock knock
who’s there?
no-one
no-one who?
knock knock
who’s there?
no-one
no-one who?
knock knock
who’s there?
no-one
no-one who?
knock knock
i quit.
thats okay. you just got ding dong ditched 4 times.
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134
☼Zinc the sorceress☼
in March 8th, 2009 @ 12:07What did the beaver say when his house was repossessed?
“Damn!”
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135
Silver Lining
in March 8th, 2009 @ 15:29The equator is long enough to circle the earth once.
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136
also also not cliff eagle
in March 8th, 2009 @ 16:45134- what did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
Dam!
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KaiYves (Delta V)
in March 8th, 2009 @ 17:01How do you buy only two things yet be able to fill a room?.
Buy a lighter and a candle, and fill the room with light!
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MissSwann
in March 9th, 2009 @ 18:47LUNA THE LOVELY IF YOU SEE THIS ON THE RECENT COMMENTS COME HERE RIGHT NOW BECAUSE THIS JOKE IS FOR YOU KYAAAA!!!!! Knock knock!
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139
Piggy
in March 9th, 2009 @ 19:18137- Why would you need the candle? *is particular*
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140
NOT Cliff Eagle!!!!!!!!!!
in March 9th, 2009 @ 19:23138–HEY, ARE YOU SHOUTING AT ME?!?!?!?!
ok, I’ll bite. Who’s there?
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141
Luna the Lovely
in March 9th, 2009 @ 19:24whoops. There goes my AE. Ah, well, I was only doing it to annoy Cliffy, anyways…..His threat was too tempting to pass up. We love you, cliffy!
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142
☼Zinc the sorceress☼
in March 9th, 2009 @ 21:23140: Ouch.
*thinks* Hm. Can’t think of anything. Most of my humor is the spur-of-the-moment kind. I don’t plan; I say.
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143
MissSwann
in March 10th, 2009 @ 19:01140/141- YEAS I AM SHOUTING AT YOU KYAAA I found this online a day ago and I HAD to tell it to you. OK.
Me
: Knock knock.
You : Who’s there?
Me : You know.
You : You know who?
Me : AVADA KEDAVRA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA…
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crazyquotescollector
in October 5th, 2009 @ 20:23My friend keeps telling that one to me!
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KaiYves (Delta V)
in March 10th, 2009 @ 19:15You may have heard this one before, but it’s hillarious:
So there’s this girl who stays in her parents apartment when they go out to dinner. The telephone rings and she picks it up. The person on the other end says
“I am the viper, and I’m coming up.”
The girl freaks out and calls the police. A few minutes pass. Somebody knocks on the door of the apartment.
“W-who’s there?”
“I am the viper.”
“EEEEEEK!”
“Vhy are you screaming? I am just the vindow viper.”
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Luna the Lovely
in March 10th, 2009 @ 19:26143–
cute. And now I have potterpuppetpals “avada kedavra” song stuck in my head……oh dear.144–yup, I’ve heard that. although, the version I’ve heard/read was much more drawn out, where he calls like on each floor….and I”m not sure she called the police in it. but ’tis fun.
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crazyquotescollector
in October 5th, 2009 @ 20:24Well, I have “Severus Snape,” etc. stuck in MY head!
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SudoRandom
in March 10th, 2009 @ 20:14138, 140, 143- HEY I WANT TO DO SOME SHOUTING TOO SHOUTING IS FUN I AM SHOUTING AT YOU TOO LUNA I AM SHOUTING AT YOU TOO MISSSWAN I AM TALKING IN BAD UNPUNCTUATED SENTENCES KYAAA
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SudoRandom
in March 11th, 2009 @ 13:02will someone PLEASE tell me what dead baby jokes are? please? and maybe give me an example? and by the way, KaiYves, “not funny” doesn’t count.
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Luna the Lovely
in March 11th, 2009 @ 13:22147–I rather imagine they are exactly what they sound like. That is, jokes about dead babies. Which would fit with not being funny. But that would just be my thought…..
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SudoRandom
in March 11th, 2009 @ 13:49i have a solution to the dumb blonde problem. (well, sort of.) in school, when we tell jokes, our teacher makes us say “dumb teacher” instead of “dumb blonde”. obviously, you can’t always make the switch, such as dressing up as a doctor instead of dying hair, etc. also, the normal people of the jokes are traditionally students, instead of brunettes, redheads, or anything else like that. for example:
2 students are going to school, and they have a field trip, but they’re running late. the person driving the car is a teacher. so the students keep saying, “go faster go faster!” and the teacher says, “i’m going faster!”
so, again, they say, “go faster! go faster!”
and the teacher says, “i’m going faster!”
and the kids say, “go faster! go faster! we’re going to be late!”
The teacher says, “I’M GOING 100 MPH!!!”
all of a sudden they hear sirens, and to avoid being caught, they swerve into a mall parking lot, and jump out to run into the mall. so they’re in the mall, and the police come up to them and say, “hey! have you seen 2 students and one teacher run into here?”
and they say, “yeah! they went that way!”
so the police officer says, “thank you. can i have your names, please?”
they can’t give him their real names, so the first kid looks around and says, “umm, my name’s T.J.!”
the policeman says, “last name?
kid one says, “umm… Maxx!”
the policeman writes this down, the turns to kid 2 and says, “name?”
kid 2 says, “umm… J.C.!”
Policeman says, “last name?”
kid 2 says, “umm… Penney!”
so the policeman writes this down, the turns to the teacher and says, “name?”
the teacher looks around the mall for inspiration like the students, then says, “ken!”
the police officer says, last name?”
the teacher says, “umm… TuckyFriedChicken!”
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KaiYves (Delta V)
in March 11th, 2009 @ 18:33149- That’s hilarious!
Quick, without looking it up- name the President of Puerto Rico! Come on, you know this…
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Alyss (the green one)
in March 11th, 2009 @ 19:21Barack Obama? Yes?
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KaiYves (Delta V)
in March 11th, 2009 @ 20:02151- Yes, because Puerto Rico is a commonwealth of the United States. Our Spanish teacher asked that and most of the kids were stumped.
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shadowfire
in March 11th, 2009 @ 21:05124-My joke!!! (see previous thread)
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SudoRandom
in March 12th, 2009 @ 06:27153- sorry. i was afraid of that.
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writer
in March 12th, 2009 @ 15:21an old lady was at a modern art museum.looking at one of the exibits, she said,”i guess this is one of those hideous representations you call modern art.” “no ma’am ” said a man,”that ones called a mirror”
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writer
in March 12th, 2009 @ 15:26the more we study the more we know
the more we know, the more we forget
the more we forget,the less we know,so why study
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MissSwann
in March 12th, 2009 @ 15:45146- Art thou mocking me? Not very polite at all…
156- Teachers are evil.
Cats, cats, the wonderful pet!
The more you keep the less you fret!
The less you fret, you’re better by far!
So get some cats, whoever you are!
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SudoRandom
in March 12th, 2009 @ 16:35157- i’m not mocking you. at the time, i wanted to do some shouting (shouting is fun!
) and shouting KYAA!! seemed like the right move.
LOVE the studying poem, writer.
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MissSwann
in March 12th, 2009 @ 17:41158- All right, I couldn’t tell… and I got KYAAA!!! from a Twilight comic on deviantART, believe it or not…
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SudoRandom
in March 14th, 2009 @ 08:06HAPPY PI DAY!!!
3.14159265358979323846264338327950…
Ï€
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Thanks For All The Fish42
in March 17th, 2009 @ 18:41I’ve got a new joke!
So a guy walks into an asylum. He asks the director of the asylum how they decide if people are crazy or not.
“Well, we have a test,” The director said,”We bring the person into a bathroom and fill up the toilet all the way to the top.”
“Ok,” The man didn’t know where he was going.
“Then, we give the person a spoon, a cup, and a large bucket, and ask them to empty the bathtub as quickly as they can.”
“Oh, so if they pick the bucket, they aren’t crazy,” He felt smart.
“No, they would pull out the plug, now would you like your bed near the window?”
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MARFwarrior (who has begn capitalizing)(and is a girl)(and dosen't really appriciate being called Marf)(1 b-day point)
in March 17th, 2009 @ 19:16i reeeeally want to say some quadruple amputee jokes but im not going to until i ger permission. (somebody give me permission)
i love dumb blonde jokes (i am quite blond. and quite un-dumb)
Ask me if i’m a truck
-are you a truck?
Nowhat’s green and flies?
grass, i was kidding abotut the fly.
what are youi befoore you go to the restroom?
youre a russian
what are you in the restroom?
european
what are you after you go to the restroom?
your finnishand last but not least (and slightly rascist)(sorry to all the mexican people out there)
why donsen’t mexico have an olimic team?
because all the mexicans who can run,jump,or swim are already in the USA.sorry about that. i couldnt resist
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Alyss (the green one)
in March 17th, 2009 @ 20:16One (not really) racist joke. (to follow several others)
-What do you call an African American pilot?
-I dunno, what?
-A pilot, you racist!156- If practice makes perfect, but nobody’s perfect, why practice?
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public like a frog (37 wung points)
in March 17th, 2009 @ 20:25In the class:
Teacher: Where are the best toys?
Children: In the soviet union!
Teacher: And where are the tastiest candies?
Children: In the soviet union!
Teacher: So where are the happiest children?
Children: In the soviet union!
Suddenly vovochka started to cry bitterly.
Teacher: Vovochka, why are you crying?
Vovochka: (through tears) I want to live in the soviet union!– I can not sleep well because of this global financial crisis!
– Well, i sleep like a baby!
– Really?
– Yes, i wake up each hour and cry!Rabinovich calls pamyat (an antisemitic organization) headquarters, speaking with a characteristic accent: “Tell me, is it true that jews sold russia?”/ “Yes, of course it is true, you jewish snout! “Oh good! Could you please tell me where I should go to get my share?”
On the occasion of an anniversary of the october revolution, furmanov gives a political lecture to the rank and file: “…And now we are on our glorious way to the shining horizons of communism!” / “How did it go?”, chapayev asks petka afterwards. “Exciting!… But unclear. What the **** is a horizon?” “See petka, it is a line you may see far away in the steppe when the weather is good. And it’s a tricky one — no matter how long you ride towards it, you’ll never reach it. You’ll only wear down your horse.”
The new russian (wealthy businessman)’s son said to his father, “Daddy, all my schoolmates are riding the bus, and I am the black sheep in this 600 Merc.” “No worries, son. I’ll buy you a bus, and you’ll ride like everyone else!”
“Look at my new tie,” says a new russian to his colleague. “I bought it for 500 dollars in the store over there.” “You got yourself conned,” says the other. “You could have paid twice as much for the same one just across the street!”Three prizes were awarded for the successes in the socialist competition of militsia dept. #18. The third prize is the complete works of vladimir lenin. The second prize is 100 roubles and a ticket to sochi… The first prize is a portable stop sign. (Soviet policemen liked to set up stopsigns at random intervals and pocket the abundant fines.)
Apologies to all chukchas.
“Chukcha, why did you buy a fridge if it’s so cold in tundra?” / “Why, is minus fifty celsius outside yaranga, is minus ten inside, is minus five in the fridge—a warm place, however!”A chukcha returns home from moscow to great excitement and interest. “What is socialism like?” asks someone. “Oh,” begins the chukcha in awe, “There, everything is for the betterment of man. I even saw that man himself!”
The soviet union has launched the first man into space. A ukrainian shepherd, standing on top of a hill, shouts over to another ukrainian on another hill to tell the news. “mykola!” “Yes!” “The moskali (russians) have flown to the moon!” “All of them?” “No, just one.” “So why are you bothering me?”
With apologies to the estonians.
A special offer from Estonian mobile phone providers: the first two hours of a call are free.During the damansky Island incident the chinese military developed three main strategies: the great offensive, the small retreat, and infiltration by small groups of one to two million across the border.
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SudoRandom
in March 18th, 2009 @ 15:13162- I don’t get the truck one.
This guy is taking a survey, and his test subjects are a mathematician, a statistician, and an economist. He brings the mathematician into the room, and asks him, “What’s 2+2?”
The mathematician says, “4.”
The surveyor says, “4 exact?”
“Yes, 4 exact.”
He brings the statistician into the room and asks him, “What is 2+2?”
The statistician says, “2.”
The man says, “2 exact?”
“No, not 2 exact. On average, it’s 2, maybe a little more of less sometimes, but on average, 2.”
He gets sent away, and the economist comes in.
the man asks, “what’s 2+2?”
The economist gets up, locks the door, shuts the windows and the blinds, sits back down, leans forward, and asks, “What do you want it to be?”Knock knock
who’s there?
the kgb
the kgb who?
Do not ask the questions! the kgb always asks the questions!
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SudoRandom
in March 18th, 2009 @ 15:14sftdp-
165- my bad, the answers that were 2 were supposed to say four.
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Alyss (the green one)
in March 18th, 2009 @ 15:37165- You forgot the slap! (love the Office
)
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KaiYves (Delta V)
in March 18th, 2009 @ 17:42163- Somebody on Spacevidcast told that one yesterday. The moderator almost banned him before he could tell the punchline. \
164- Yay, Soviet jokes! I know lots!First guy: “What’s the difference between Sputnik 2 and government-issue sausage?”
Second guy: I dunno. What is it?
First guy: At least the government admitted Sputnik 2 had a dog in it!A bunch of immigrant ladies are telling stories about their sisters. One of the ladies is from Russia. She goes “I have sister once. She pull my hair. So I turn her over to the secret police.”
Somebody else goes “And then what happened?”
“What do you mean ‘And then what happened?’ I turn her over to the secret police, end of story!”
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public like a frog (37 wung points)
in March 21st, 2009 @ 12:18168-:)
“What is the difference between the constitutions of the usa and ussr? Both guarantee freedom of speech.â€â€œYes, but the constitution of the usa also guarantees freedom after the speech.â€
——–
Ivanov applied to the communist party. The party committee conducts an interview.
“Comrade ivanov, do you smoke?”
“Yes, i do a little.”
“Do you know that comrade lenin did not smoke and advised other communists not to smoke?”
“If comrade lenin said so, I shall cease smoking.”
“Do you drink?”
“Yes, a little.”
“Comrade lenin strongly condemned drunkenness.”
“Then i shall cease drinking.”
“Comrade ivanov, what about women?”
“A little….”
“Do you know that comrade lenin strongly condemned amoral behavior?”
“If comrade lenin condemned, I shall not love them any longer.”
“Comrade ivanov, will you be ready to sacrifice your life for the party?”
“Of course. Who needs such life?”
——–
An old woman waited for two hours to get in a bus. Bus after bus came full and she couldn’t squeeze herself in. When she finally managed to crawl in, she wiped her forehead, and said, “Finally, glory to god!”
The driver said, “Mother, you must not say that. You must say ‘Glory to comrade stalin.”
“Excuse me, comrade,” the woman said. “I’m just a backward old woman. I’ll say from now on as you told me.”
After a while, she said, “Excuse me, comrade, I am old and stupid. What shall i say if, god forbid, stalin dies?”
“Oh, mother, then you shall say, “‘glory to god!”
——–
At a may day parade, a very old man carries a slogan, “Thank you, comrade stalin, for my happy childhood!”
The party representative approaches the old man. “What’s that? Are you deriding our party? Everybody can see, when you were a child, comrade stalin was not yet born!”
“That’s precisely what i’m grateful to him for!” the man said.
——–
An inspecting commission came to a lunatics’ asylum. To greet them, a choir of the patients sang a song from a popular movie that says “Oh, how good it is to live in the soviet land!”
The commission noticed that one of the men did not sing.
“Why are you not singing?”
“I’m not crazy, i’m a nurse here.”
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JJjetplane-girl w/cats
in March 21st, 2009 @ 13:52here’s a jew joke ( I’m Jewish):
Two men were walking into a restaurant, agruing if there are any Mexican Jews. They decide to ask the waiter, who asked the chef. The chef said, ” We have orange juice grape juice, crannberry juice, but, I’m sorry, we have no Mexican Juice.”
(better said aloud.)
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Cliff Eagle
in March 21st, 2009 @ 16:09Yakov Smirnov joke.
See, in the USSR, we had the same rights as you do in the US! In the US, you can go up to the white house and say “I don’t like Ronald Reagan.” In Russia, you can walk up to the kremlin and say, “I don’t like Ronald Reagan”.
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Piggy
in March 21st, 2009 @ 18:17Hee hee. I love “In Soviet Russia” jokes, as long as they’re told in a believable Russian accent. “In Soviet Russia, computer turn you on!” “In Soviet Russia, poem write you!” “In Soviet Russia, car drive you!” etc.
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KaiYves (Delta V)
in March 21st, 2009 @ 19:32172- I did one in my Space Age Smiley Story:.
“Why can’t I get a cool codename like ‘Batman’ or ‘Wolverine’?”
“Because in Soviet Russia, codename chooses you!”
A joke that has nothing to do with Soviet Russia but is still funny:
A magician is driving down the highway to get to a show. All of his props are in the trunk. A policeman pulls him over.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
“There’s a very large knife in your trunk, what’s that for?”
“I’m a magician. In my act, I juggle it and two juggling balls.”
“Prove it. Get out right now and show me the trick.”
So the magician gets out and starts juggling the knife and balls on the side of the road. A guy from out-of-state drives by and sees this.
“Man, the drunk driver test in New York sure is hard.”
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AthenianPsycho
in March 21st, 2009 @ 22:37173-
All the S.R. jokes are amusing me…
*is Russian*
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KaiYves
in March 27th, 2009 @ 13:32What do you call a vampire thrown in a bonfire?
Translyvanian barbecue!
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Bluefire27
in March 28th, 2009 @ 12:08so a french guy, a greek guy, and a chinese guy all apply for jobs at a department store. the manager puts the french guy in customer service, the greek guy at the checkout counter, and the chinese guy in charge of supplies. the next day the greek guy and french guy show up, but the manager cant find the chinese guy. so they search the building, even the warehouse, for the chinese guy. when they’re nearing the end of the warehouse, the chinse guy jumps out of a closet and screams, “SUPPLIES!!!”
(sorry to anyone offended by this. if there is anyone)
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AthenianPsycho
in March 28th, 2009 @ 19:48176- That is awesomely amusing
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Bluefire27
in March 29th, 2009 @ 08:03177- thank you. I heard that one from my cousin. she knows a lot of good jokes like that.
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Bluefire27
in March 29th, 2009 @ 08:09SFTDP, but did you hear about the guy who threw his drum set off a cliff?
ba-dum-pshhh!!!!!
(MUCH better if said aloud)
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SudoRandom
in April 7th, 2009 @ 16:15Is anyone going to explain what a dead baby joke is?
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Robert Coontz (Administrator)
in April 7th, 2009 @ 16:31It’s a species of sick humor that was briefly but wildly popular among adolescents in the mid-1970s. If you google the phrase, I’m sure you’ll find plenty. A scholarly article about the jokes appeared in the journal Western Folklore in July 1979:
# Title: The Dead Baby Joke Cycle
# Author(s): Alan Dundes
# Source: Western Folklore, Vol. 38, No. 3 (Jul., 1979), pp. 145-157
# Publisher(s): Western States Folklore Society
# Stable URL: www . jstor.org/stable/1499238Wikipedia mentions the genre in its article on jokes (http : // en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joke ). I prefer light-bulb jokes, myself.
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Piggy
in April 7th, 2009 @ 16:48A nun, a priest, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them and asks, “Is this some kind of a joke?”
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Cliff Eagle
in April 7th, 2009 @ 17:15Re: “In Soviet Russia” Jokes
Me and my friend decided to take everything we heard and turn it into a “In Soviet Russia” joke, in the spirit of “That’s What She Said” or something like that. Fun for the first 15 minutes and then got increasingly obnoxious.
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SudoRandom
in April 7th, 2009 @ 18:02Those are so nasty!
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Lizzie
in April 7th, 2009 @ 18:44181, 183 – In Soviet Russia, lightbulb change you!
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♫ Agrrrfishi {Aggie}♫, also known as Rosa, Zena, Klara, Jean, etc.
in April 7th, 2009 @ 19:13182-
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KaiYves (Delta V)
in April 7th, 2009 @ 19:37The best joke that looks like it’s going to be political, but isn’t:
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iran and Iraq.
Iran and Iraq who?
Iraqed my dad’s car, so Iran away from home. Mind if I hide out here for a bit?
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Koppar
in April 8th, 2009 @ 14:58How many LotR characters does it take to change a light-bulb?
Nine.
One to wisely tell the others how to do it.
One to die a tragic death for no apparent reason.
One to start singing a song about light-bulbs.
Two to sit around eating.
One to go get the light-bulb and screw it in.
One to go with the light-bulb bearer.
One to defend the room from the Uruk-hai.
One to point out that the Dwarves make nicer light-bulbs.
And then the Elf (the one singing) has to stop and glare at the Dwarf.How many Elves does it take to change a light-bulb?
None. Since when do Elves use light-bulbs?How many
s does it take to change a light-bulb?
Six.
One (Xeer) to tell his second-in-command to tell the troops to change the lightbulb.
The second-in-command (Kaninen [me]) to tell the aforesaid troops.
One to point out that they lack thumbs.
One to think about that and be attacked by the Resistance.
One to forget about the light-bulbs and go attack the Resistance.
One to find a MuseBlogger, zombify en, and force en to change the light-bulb.
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Piggy
in April 8th, 2009 @ 15:15If I may quote our exalted administrator dude Robert:
154. Robert Coontz (Administrator) �|� October 5th, 2007 at 8:15 pm
Q. How many MuseBloggers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Thirteen:
One to bring a ladder, stand on the bottom rung, and yell, “This lightbulb is dead!”
One to make a Stupid Senseless Smiley Story about lightbulbs that turn into hot-pink bunnies.
One to insist that the blog should install a compact fluorescent bulb to reduce its carbon footprint.
One to say that that’s not necessary, because global warming is a hoax.
One to wonder whether she should ask for a new lightbulb or sit still and smile at one until it notices her.
One to post the 10,000-word opening chapter of a saga about the quest for the legendary Lightbulb of Doom.
One to arrive with a new lightbulb, climb the ladder, unscrew the old bulb, screw in the new one, descend, and leave.
One to dash up the ladder, touch the new bulb, and yell, “FIRST TOUCH!!!”
One to point out that that touch was pointless.
Three to splatter the new lightbulb with welcome pies.
And, finally, a GAPA to log in an hour later and moderate the change so the light can come on.
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Rainbow*Star
in May 26th, 2009 @ 19:06I don’t get the part about wondering if she should ask for a new lightbulb.
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Robert Coontz (Administrator)
in May 26th, 2009 @ 19:08It’s a subtle reference to a recurring theme on the Romance & Relationships threads.
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POSOC
in May 26th, 2009 @ 19:22I got the feeling you were having an “I HATE EVERYTHING” day when you posted that.
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Robert Coontz (Administrator)
in May 26th, 2009 @ 19:35Not at all. More of an “I understand everything” day.
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POSOC
in May 26th, 2009 @ 20:16Hmm. Maybe I’m paranoid, but it seemed like a thinly veiled condemnation of MBers and MB in general.
If it hadn’t been subtly funny, I would never have believed it was you who posted it.
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Robert Coontz (Administrator)
in May 26th, 2009 @ 20:22In a word, nope. It was completely affectionate satire.
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Rebecca Lasley (Administrator)
in May 26th, 2009 @ 20:41We almost “jinxed” again, as I was about to type exactly that when my computer misbehaved. Only one difference: I was going to say it struck me as affectionate teasing.
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Piggy
in May 26th, 2009 @ 22:15Were you ever officially released from the last jinx, or have you been cheating this whole time?
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Rebecca Lasley (Administrator)
in May 26th, 2009 @ 22:23What, moi? How can you think such a thing? Actually, I believe I was released by several alternative methods, so I’m cool. Until next time, that is. Robert and I do have a habit of chiming in at the same time.
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bubblebabe225
in November 16th, 2009 @ 18:58HAHAHA
FUNNIEST
BLOODY
THING
EVER IN THE ENTIRE HISTORY OF 42!!!!
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Enceladus(Faglan)
in April 8th, 2009 @ 15:38How many inventors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
7
One to see the light bulb is burnt out.
One to design a light bulb screwing in machine.
One to revise it.
One to actually build it.
One to control it.
One to advertise it.
One to take all the credit.How many enviromentalists (I am one, so it doesn’t matter) does it take to screw in a light bulb?
6
One to screw it in, and the rest to complain about the nuclear waste produced by the power plant.
I have one, but it sorta makes fun of christians so….
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Enceladus(Faglan)
in April 8th, 2009 @ 15:47SFTDP
Riddles:
The maker doesn’t want it, and the buyer doesn’t use it, and the user doesn’t see it. What is it?
What does man love more than life,
Fear more than death or mortal strife,
What he poor have, the rich require,
And what contented men require,
Greater than God and worse than the devil,
Far beyond the final level,
Can fill no space,
But can be chased,
What misers spend and spendthrifts save,
And all men carry to the grave?Answers
niffoc A, gnihtoN
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KaiYves (Delta V)
in April 21st, 2009 @ 19:55What do you call the guy who brings a lion its dinner?
The appetizer!
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Silver Lining
in April 27th, 2009 @ 19:30A riddle my friend made up:
You come to a pair of identical doors. One door will lead you to eternal happiness, the other one will kill you as soo as you touch it. There’s a sign by the doors saying, “Hope you pick the right door.” Which door should you pick (granted you’re not feeling suicidal)?
My other friend’s spin-off of that riddle:
You come to a pair of identical doors that are both walled off by bricks. What do you do?The answer is, “Kick a cream puff in the shin and climb over the wall.”
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Bluefire27 and Drake (-_-)
in May 13th, 2009 @ 15:20Easy. You pick the door on the right side. As in, “Hope you pick the right door.”
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Silver Lining
in May 13th, 2009 @ 18:08Correct. And a correction to the second riddle: I meant to say, “You are being chased by a cream puff when you come to a pair of identical doors…”
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Tesseract
in May 13th, 2009 @ 15:50This is the Monty Hall problem. Can anyone figure out the answer?
Suppose you’re on a game show and you’re given the choice of three doors. Behind one door is a car; behind the others, goats. The car and the goats were placed randomly behind the doors before the show. The rules of the game show are as follows: After you have chosen a door,the door remains closed for the time being. The game show host, Monty Hall, who knows what is behind the doors, now has to open one of the two remaining doors, and the door he opens must have a goat behind it. If both remaining doors have goats behind them, he chooses one randomly. After Monty Hall opens a door with a goat, he will ask you to decide whether you want to stay with your first choice or to switch to the last remaining door. Imagine that you chose Door 1 and the host opens Door 3, which has a goat. He then asks you “Do you want to switch to Door Number 2?†Is it to your advantage to change your choice?
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17th Century English Military Dictator
in May 13th, 2009 @ 16:22No.
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17th Century English Military Dictator
in May 13th, 2009 @ 16:22Wait no. I misunderstood that. That would be yes.
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Bluefire27 and Drake (-_-)
in May 13th, 2009 @ 16:18Yes, because the majority of the time it is behind that door.
You pick door 1. It could have a car or one of 2 goats. If it’s the car, then if you switch you lose. But, there is more of a chance that it will be a goat, because there are two. And if you pick a door with a goat, he opens the other door with a goat, so the car is left. There’s a 66 2/3% chance, or 2 out of 3, that you will get the car.
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KaiYves (Delta V)
in May 13th, 2009 @ 17:20A husband and a wife are fighting over who should make the coffee when they both wake up in the morning. The wife says “I wake up first- besides, it says in the Bible that the man should make the coffee.”
The husband asks her to prove it.
She pulls down the Bible from the bookshelf, ruffles through it, and points to the page:
“Ha! Look- HE BREWS!”
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SudoRandom
in May 19th, 2009 @ 18:35195- No, only 50% or 1/2 chance. There are three doors the first time, so 1/3, but 2 doors the second time, so 1/2.
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Cello-Playing Mathematician (AKA Kyra)
in December 5th, 2009 @ 16:51Wrong. It has been mathematically proven that the door you originally chose has a 1/3 chance of being correct, while the other door has a 2/3 chance.
Sorry, it’s just that there was a huge argument in Statistics class about it and I know my stuff. There is actually a great simulation online where you can have it run a thousand or more tests of this problem.
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SudoRandom
in May 19th, 2009 @ 19:03SFTDP- Two dudes are out walking in the woods, and they come upon this massive hole. I mean, it’s huge. so anyway, they want to figure out how deep it is, so they get a rock and throw it in. They wait for a while, and don’t hear it hit the bottom. So they throw in a bigger rock. they still don’t hear it hit. They go off looking for something even bigger, and they find a railroad tie. The dude duo throws it in, wait, and don’t hear a sound, but a few seconds later, a goat comes streaking along at about 120 mph, and dives headfirst into the hole. They look at each other, decide it was weird, but, being dudes, walk away unfazed. After awhile, they come across an old farmer who asks them, “Hey, have you two seen my goat?”
They say, ” Umm, no sir. But a big goat just came along and jumped into that hole. Was that yours?”
And the farmer says, “Oh, no, that wasn’t my goat. My goat was tied to a railroad tie!”
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KaiYves (Delta V) Go Hubble Servicing Mission 4!
in May 19th, 2009 @ 19:28Wait, so the goat was still tied up and he got dragged in…?
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Bluefire27 and Drake (-_-) (10 wung points)
in May 26th, 2009 @ 18:35I’ll explain it…
They found a railroad tie and threw it into the hole, and that was the thing that the goat was tied to. They untied the goat, and threw the railroad tie into the hole. Then the goat jumped in.
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fireandhemlock1996
in May 19th, 2009 @ 20:00Oh, oh!
Ok, so there’s this lady walking down the road in a black dress. There is no moonlight. A truck is driving towards the lady, but doesn’t run over her. How did the driver know to stop when he didn’t have his headlights on?
I love this riddle!
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Tesseract
in May 19th, 2009 @ 20:20It’s daytime!
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fireandhemlock1996
in May 19th, 2009 @ 20:55haha yeah, I learned it from a friend, although he told it with a black dog in the middle of the street.
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Tesseract
in May 19th, 2009 @ 20:22194.1.1 – That’s correct. Can you explain why?
195 – Yes, and your logic seems to be correct, though I’m having a little bit of trouble following it.
197 – Nope.
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crazyquotescollector
in May 26th, 2009 @ 19:07When young David was asked by his father to say the evening prayer,
& he realized he didn’t have his head covered… he asked his little
brother Henry to rest a hand on his head until prayers were over.
Henry grew impatient after a few minutes and removed his hand.
The father said, “This is important…put your hand back on his head!”
to which Henry exclaimed:
“What, am I my brother’s kippah?”Explanation available upon request.
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Ducky
in May 26th, 2009 @ 19:32Explanation, please.
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crazyquotescollector
in June 2nd, 2009 @ 16:59Ahem.
Heard of the Bible story about Cain and Abel? (I can’t spell, sorry) After Cain kills Abel, God asks him, “Where’s your brother?” and Abel says, “Am I my brother’s keeper?” It’s a well-known phrase, so, like most well-known phrases, it got made into a joke. “Kippa” sounds a lot like “keeper”What is black and white and red all over? (I love this one; come up with your own answers too!)
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Bluefire27 and Drake (-_-) (10 wung points) and Mr. Green
in June 3rd, 2009 @ 16:38What’s black and white and red all over? Why, a strawberry-penguin milkshake, of course!
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crazyquotescollector
in June 3rd, 2009 @ 18:50Love it! Or:
What is black and white and red all over? A yeshiva bachur on his first date. (Jewish joke, most people need a dictionary to understand us. As always, explanations are available upon request)
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Armada
in June 3rd, 2009 @ 19:08I get it, I get it! I’m laughing!
Oh, the fun of being Jewish….
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crazyquotescollector
in June 3rd, 2009 @ 19:39Yeah, innit great? My brother told it to me, and he heard it from a friend, whose brother told it to him. That brother is currently in yeshiva himself
And he used to be in my class. Side bit of info that absolutely NO ONE cares about, I’m sure.SFTNP
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Armada
in June 3rd, 2009 @ 20:06Haha. There are so many ways you can go with that joke…. I’d never heard your one before.
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crazyquotescollector
in June 3rd, 2009 @ 18:51Oh, phoo. I was reading this over and I’m like, “hey, that’s not right!” Cain says that, not Abel.
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KaiYves (Delta V) Go Expedition 20!
in May 26th, 2009 @ 20:32You sort of have to be from the New York area to get this one, but…
When God was creating the Earth, an angel hovered over his shoulder, observing everything and asking a lot of questions.
“You see,” God said “I want the Earth to be a place of balance. The Sahara is as dry as the Pacific is wet. Mount Everest is as high as the ocean trenches are low.” ((Not exactly, but go with it.))
“What’s that little green spot?” The angel asked.
“That, little one, is Long Island. It will have beautiful beaches, clean air and the friendliest locals ever.”
“But God, I thought you wanted the Earth to have balance! Doesn’t that mean that nowhere can be that perfect?”
“Wait until you see who I’m sending there in the summer.”
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Kaiser
in July 14th, 2009 @ 16:31Ha! I live in Florida, and that exact same joke is really common, except that it’s “wait until you see who I send every winter” in reference to the snowbirds. So, who exactly do you get in new york in the summer?
-Kaiser
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KaiYves
in November 27th, 2009 @ 18:19Rich people from New York City.
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bookgirl_me
in May 27th, 2009 @ 10:15203) Or when it rains for several days in the city… *sudders and holds nose*
The only political jokes I have are ones about the austrian politicians, which are funnier when you know them…
There’s a new program on the radio; you have 30 seconds to answer 5 trick questions and the first answer counts. Here are some:
“How many zeros does a million euros have after the financial crisis ?”
“How many halves does a third have?”
“During the day, the earth revolves around the sun. What does it revolve around at night?”
e.t.c… The questions aren’t hard, but you have about 6 seconds per question, so you just have to shout out the first thing you can think of…
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Enceladus and Nimly (*.*)
in June 2nd, 2009 @ 14:33Mathematician Jokes!
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer go to a hotel. One night, the engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He sees a fire takes a hose off the wall and puts out the fire. The next night, the physicist wakes up and smell smoke. They find a fire. Having claculated the thermal density of the fire, and the pressure of water needed to put it out, they take the hose off the wall and put the fire out. The next night, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He walks over to the fire, sees a hose on the wall, and says “OK, solution exists”.
Why should a mathematician have both a wife and mistress? Because when the wife thinks he’s with the mistress, and the mistress thinks he’s with the wife, he can actually do some mathematics!
Once, a professor was lecturing. At one point he had to do 9×4. one student called out “61!”. Another called out saying, “No, he’s wrong! it’s 67!”. The professor said, “Come now gentlemen, it can’t be both. Which is it?”
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KaiYves (Delta V) Go Expedition 20!
in June 2nd, 2009 @ 20:26A lawyer, an engineer and a doctor are arguing about who has the older job.
“Well,” said the doctor “God made Adam fall asleep and took out his rib, and that was a surgical operation, so doctors came first.”
“No,” said the engineer “God created the world and that was a feat of engineering, so engineers came first.”
The lawyer just looked at them and said “Well, who do you think created all the chaos?”
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crazyquotescollector
in June 3rd, 2009 @ 19:03Oh, hee hee!
Why does New Jersey have all the pollution and New York all the lawyers?
New Jersey got first pick.A young man, shipwrecked on a small, deserted island, found an old oil lamp sticking out of the sand. He picked it up, and looked at it, thinking, “Wouldn’t it be cool if there were a Genie in here?” He knew that Genies did not exist, but figured he had nothing to lose, so he dutifully polished the lamp.
To his amazement, an enormous Genie emerged from the lamp in a cloud of smoke. The Genie announced, “Thank you for freeing me from the lamp. In accord with the customs and principles of my profession, you are entitled to precisely three wishes. Wishes will be granted in accord with the laws of the State of California, and any claims, disputes, or disagreements relating to the wishes shall be resolved by binding arbitration applying California laws.”
“That’s weird,” said the man, “I never thought a Genie would sound so much like a lawyer.”
“But I am a lawyer,” replied the Genie, “I am both a lawyer and a Genie. You should be aware that, for every wish you make, I will not only grant your wish but will grant every attorney in the world double what you wish for.”
The man didn’t care much for attorneys, and he wasn’t sure what to make of the Genie, but what was the worst that could happen? He decided to take the Genie’s offer, and make his wishes.
“I wish for fifty million dollars,” he said. As money poured down around him, the Genie reminded him that every attorney in the world had just received one hundred million dollars.
“My second wish is for a luxurious mansion, more stunning than Versailles, fully staffed and furnished with fine antiques.” The ground rumbled, and a mansion slowly rose from the earth. It was astonishingly beautiful. A butler approached him with a tray of fine food. He ate hungrily, thinking, “It really can’t get any better than this.”
But then the Genie reminded him, “Every attorney in the world just received a mansion twice as nice as this one.”
The man thought carefully about his last wish. He appreciated what the Genie had done for him, but it burned him to think that the attorney who had botched his divorce case had fared even better. And there was the attorney who had stolen from his mother’s estate. And wasn’t the President an attorney? The man shuddered, realizing what people like that could do with this kind of wealth and the power it could bring. And it was then that he made his final wish.
“I really want to give something back to society,” the man said. “I wish to donate one of my kidneys for transplant.”
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Tesseract
in June 3rd, 2009 @ 19:10
That’s horrible. But completely hilarious.
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SilverLeopard
in July 11th, 2009 @ 09:29*laughs wildly*
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SudoRandom
in June 3rd, 2009 @ 19:10200) Wait- why?
198.1.1) No, KaiYves was right.
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Robert Coontz (Administrator)
in June 3rd, 2009 @ 19:15(202.1 et seq.) Puffin puffs are black and white and orange all over.
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SudoRandom
in June 3rd, 2009 @ 19:20SFTDP (Even though Robert just posted).
202.1.1) Explanation, please?
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crazyquotescollector
in June 3rd, 2009 @ 19:40208- What is black and white and orange all over? Hmm, not quite the same ring, but it has possibilities…
How about a groom who lost his pants? No, this did not happen to anyone I know. Definitely not my father. *nods*
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Loreena Chatheng (AP)
in June 3rd, 2009 @ 21:15I am greatly amused.
A joke caused by the frequent attacks of annoying phrases on my brain:
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Your face!
But it’s here with me, not there, surely?
That’s what she said!
That’s what WHO said?
Your mom!SO EFFING ANNOYING!
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crazyquotescollector
in June 3rd, 2009 @ 21:25209, were you asking me for an explanation, or Bluefire etc?
I will explain anyway. A yeshiva is a religious Jewish school, and a bachur is a name for a student there. They tend to wear black and white (suits, dress shirts, but casual-y ones), and on a first date, well, what would you do? The religious Jewish dating system is kinda funny, and I’m too tired to explain it right now, maybe later. but that also has something to do with it.SFTNP
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SudoRandom
in June 4th, 2009 @ 06:17What is a Kippa?
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Armada
in June 4th, 2009 @ 15:41A Jewish religious hat-thing. And I’ve seen it spelled kippah more often.
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KaiYves (Delta V) Go Expedition 20!
in June 4th, 2009 @ 19:01This is apparently a true story rather than a joke:
On the day President Kennedy was shot, there was a lecture scheduled at the National Geographic headquarters, to be given by Gilbert Grosvenor, the president of the National Geographic Society. Obviously, they had to cancel, so the management sent somebody to go to the lecture place and tell everybody who showed up to go home.
The worker got there and found an old couple standing by the door.
“You have to go home, the lecture is canceled.” He told them.
“But… why?” The old man asked.
“Haven’t you heard? The president was shot.”
The old couple gasped and were silent for a little bit. Then, the old lady opened her mouth and said
“Poor Dr. Grosvenor!”
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KaiYves (Delta V) Go LRO!
in June 19th, 2009 @ 15:34Top 5 Rejected NASA Outreach Ideas:
5) Paint pictures of Pokemon all over the shuttles.
4) Have the astronauts wear body glitter and fake fangs for interviews so people mistake them for vampires.
3) Merge with NASCAR.
2) Write badly spelled fan fiction “shipping” the various joint missions.
1) Treat the Administrator like a faceless spymaster and have him make speeches in shadowy profile.
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Enceladus and Nimly (*.*) (10 wung points)
in June 19th, 2009 @ 15:58Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?
To get to the other… um…Why did I cross the road?
To meet CTN on Dephnis!
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bluefire27
in July 11th, 2009 @ 08:58WHEE!! CHUCK NORRIS JOKES!
If a wrestler and a farmer got in a fight, who would win?
Chuck Norris!When Chuck Norris jumps in a puddle, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris-ed!
Chuck Norris can eat only one Lay’s potato chip.
And the clincher:
Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter.
(I’ll get more!!)
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Rainbow*Star
in July 11th, 2009 @ 13:45Chuck Norris is expected to win a gold medal in swimming at the next Olympics, even though he cannot swim. The water gets out of the way and he walks across the pool bottom.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. He almost blinked.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Before the boogeyman goes to bed, he checks in his closet for Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he doesn’t push himself up. He pushes the Earth down.
Chuck Norris doesn’t like Sara Lee.
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Piggy
in July 11th, 2009 @ 14:40Chuck Norris’ tears can cure cancer. It’s too bad he’s never cried.
Chuck Norris’ urine was once bottled and sold on Ebay. It’s now known as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris knows the highest prime number.
Chuck Norris can find the corner in a round room.
Chuck Norris shaves with a dull ax head.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
The DMV has to wait for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can win blackjack with one card.
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Enceladus
in October 14th, 2009 @ 05:16When God said “Let there be light”, Chuck Norris said “say please!”
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Thanks For All The Fish42
in July 14th, 2009 @ 14:49Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is “The Two”
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
((I love these jokes))
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SudoRandom
in July 17th, 2009 @ 11:44My brother invented the only good Your Mom joke, and it’s only good because it’s so incredibly geeky:
Your mom’s so stupid/fat she comes into play tapped!
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Enceladus
in October 14th, 2009 @ 05:17Here’s another good one:
Your mom’s so stupid, she tells you Your Mom jokes!
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Thanks For All The Fish42
in October 5th, 2009 @ 17:00((DEAD THREAD!!!!!!))
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.The blonde followed the doctor’s advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:
“So, how do I get home? I’m 300 miles away!”
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KaiYves- Let's Kick Up Some Moon Dust!
in October 5th, 2009 @ 20:30A husband and wife are arguing over who should make coffee for the household in the morning.
The husband says “You should make it for me, because you wake up first.”
The wife says “No, you should make it, because in the Bible it says that men should make the coffee.”
“What the heck? It doesn’t say THAT in the Bible!”
The wife pulls out a Bible, opens to a page, and points.
“Look, HE BREWS.”
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Armada
in October 5th, 2009 @ 21:08You’ve posted that already, I believe. (But it’s still funny…)
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Silver Lining
in October 13th, 2009 @ 15:58What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the floor?
Matt.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the wall?
Art.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs and a seagull on his head?
Cliff.Cake. Just had a mind-blank. Can’t remember anymore, sorry.
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crazyquotescollector
in October 13th, 2009 @ 18:40I love those!
What do you call a girl with one leg?
Eileen
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No-eye deer (say it out loud, with a sort of Texan accent)
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no-eye deer!
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SudoRandom
in October 13th, 2009 @ 19:34What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean?
Bob!On a different note…
Why wasn’t the little boy allowed in the pirate movie?
IT WAS RATED AAARRAnd one to dwell on:
Why did the cat love ice cream?
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bluefire27
in November 22nd, 2009 @ 17:04What do you call a dude in a hole? Doug.
What do you call a guy in a hole with a rabbit on his head? Warren.**For those that don’t know, a rabbit den is called a warren.
Why was a little girl lost at sea not lonely?
She was friends with all the buoys and gulls.
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Enceladus
in October 14th, 2009 @ 06:00What’s blue and invisible?
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shadowfire
in November 1st, 2009 @ 18:16Good question.
What do you call a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?
Someone who stays up all night, contemplating the existence of Dog.
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Enceladus
in November 11th, 2009 @ 09:38There are two types of people in this world.
Those worth mentioning.
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Thanks For All The Fish42
in November 11th, 2009 @ 10:44
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of
them are hurt.After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,”So you’re a
man; that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow,just look at our cars!
There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be
a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live
together in peace for the rest of our days.”Flattered, the man replies, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely!”
“This must be a sign from God!”The woman continues, “And look at this, here’s another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t
break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good
fortune.”Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it
back to the woman.The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and
hands it back to the man.The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”
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SudoRandom
in November 11th, 2009 @ 12:07 Poor man…
Enceladus (223)- That should be on a t-shirt.
Shall I repeat my riddle?
Why did the cat like ice-cream?
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Armada
in November 11th, 2009 @ 16:14Why, SR?
(I have a feeling this is going to be a very corny joke…..)
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SudoRandom
in November 11th, 2009 @ 16:36Because his name was Sprinkles!
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/gradster(1)/
in November 11th, 2009 @ 16:33In the spirit of @223:
There are 11 types of people in this world. Those who know binary, those who don’t, and those who begin counting at eight.
-A
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bubblebabe225
in November 13th, 2009 @ 16:03CHUCK NORRIS JOKES I LOVE CHUCK NORRIS JOKES (sorry if anyone’s already used them .. )
If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
There is no ‘ctrl’ button on Chuck Norris’s computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay’s potato chip.
Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
# When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.# Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
# There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
# Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
#
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
# Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
# There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
# Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.# Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
# Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
# Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
# Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
# Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
# Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
# Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
Superman wears Chuck Norris underpants.
Chuck Norris Extinct Joke
If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
-If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.-The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
-Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”-When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
-Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
-The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.
-What was going through the minds of Chuck Norris’ victims before they died? His shoe.
-Chuck Norris once showed up at Google and demanded that they rename their search engine “Chuck Norris.” When they refused, Chuck roundhouse kicked Google in the face, transforming it’s bruised remains into Google Dark.
-Chuck Norris affects the price of stock quotes and land values. Wherever he is, prices drop due to the danger of a sudden catastrophe. He bought his own home for 30 cents and one roundhouse kick.
-If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
-The following is a short list of things Chuck Norris cannot do: .
-If you make a list of 10 things Chuck Norris cannot do, he will appear at your house and perform them all. Your life may be forfeit.
-Chuck Norris once taught a class called “Ass Kicking 101”. There were no survivors.
-Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
-When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
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225.1
Enceladus
in November 27th, 2009 @ 06:31Chuck Norris has won the game.
(I lost the game!)
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225.1.1
RoseQuartz
in November 27th, 2009 @ 12:25Oh, thanks a LOT, Enc. I JUST LOST THE GAME! XD
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225.1.1.1
speller73
in November 27th, 2009 @ 16:00Oh, I supposed that means Chuck Norris reads xkcd. Or has said moo. And I just lost the game.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.
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mas0n
in November 13th, 2009 @ 16:19Chuck Norris has no doors in his house, just walls.
Chuck Norris won a staring contest with the sun.
Chuck Norris is from Texas. Everything big is in Texas.
If you stare at the American Flag for a long time a 3-d image of Chuck Norris will appear. Look at my Gravatar.
((that’s all I can think of right now))
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226.1
mas0n
in November 13th, 2009 @ 16:20SFTDP
On the one about no doors just walls I forgot to add he walks through.
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227
Silver Lining and the Beautacious Kate
in November 13th, 2009 @ 17:14Kate’s amazing joke:
Q. What would Ringo be called if he was a potato?
A. Richard Starchy!Kate says: This is the intense joke I thought of while making mashed potatoes, after going to the science museum with Silver Lining! I <3 Silver Lining!
((Um, okay, Kate. Thanks?))
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228
bubblebabe225
in November 16th, 2009 @ 19:01Too cool to be on the thread JUST ONCE: apologies to the wonderful and hilarious RoseQuartz.
Little Kid: Mommy, is God a man or a woman?
Mom: God is a man and a woman.
Kid: Mommy, is God black or white?
Mom: God is black and white.
Kid: Mommy, is God gay or straight?
Mom: God is gay and straight.
Kid: Mommy… is Michael Jackson God?
-Slightly against my religion. It’s still funny
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229
KaiYves- Got Water?
in November 17th, 2009 @ 11:59“Would all in the room who believe in telekinesis please raise my hand?”
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229.1
Clare de Lune (aka The Book Thief)
in November 17th, 2009 @ 13:20That is a qoute from Steven Wright who also said
“To steal from one person is plagerism, to steal from many is research”
“I almost had a physic girlfriend, but she left me before we met”
and lots of other funny stuff ( I had to do a tech project on this guy…)
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230
Luna the Lovely
in November 17th, 2009 @ 20:46Knock knock joke my computer just told me:
Me: “Tell me a joke”
Computer: “Knock Knock”
Me: Who’s there?
Computer: Desdemona
Me: Desdemona who?
Computer: Desdemona lisa hanging on the wall.Me: Tell me a joke
C: Knock Knock
Me: Who’s there? (took 3 times…..)
C: Toucan
Me: Toucan who? (over a dozen times…..)
C: Toucan play at this game.Me: Tell me a joke
C: Knock knock
Me: Who’s there?
C: Thea
Me: Thea who?
C: Thea later, alligator.Me: Tell me a joke
C: Knock knock
Me: Who’s there?
C: Tennessee
*before I could respond*
C: Okay, back to work!Me: Tell me a joke
C: Knock knock
Me: Who’s there?
C: Sarah
Me: Sarah who?
C: Sarah doctor in the house?Okay, anyway……Actually, I’m surprised I got so many out of my computer, it’s rare to even get successfully through one knock knock joke, as on “Who’s there?” and “***** who?” the computer voice recognition stuff always seems to fail to recognize the command your giving, so you sit there for ever repeating the phrase with zillions of different inflections. It’s the “who” it has issues with. You gotta but a lot of “H” into the beginning, more of a “hwoo”, than “who”. Stupid computer.
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230.1
SudoRandom
in February 21st, 2010 @ 14:14Luna, how do you get your computer to tell you jokes?
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Tesseract
in November 17th, 2009 @ 22:11My two favorite knock-knock jokes.
You: Knock knock.
Them: Who’s there?
Y: You know.
T: You know who?
Y: Avada Kedavra!Y: I know a really great knock-knock joke, but you have to start.
T: Okay. Knock knock.
Y: Who’s there?
T: …… [long confused silence]
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231.1
SudoRandom
in November 18th, 2009 @ 06:41I’ve heard that second one before, (oh, and the first one, but that was on this thread) but when I tried it on my sister, and she just turned it into one of her own bad knock knock jokes, but then I did it to her again, and she got it.
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232
bubbles
in November 18th, 2009 @ 10:40I found this quote while researching a Civil War project. Some guy was teaching (I think it was Union) soldiers how to use muskets and he said:
“It’s like shooting squirrels, only these squirrels have guns.”
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233
bluefire27
in November 23rd, 2009 @ 15:06Two bears are in the shower.
One says to the other, “Pass the soap.”
And the other replies, “No soap, radio.”
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233.1
RoseQuartz
in December 5th, 2009 @ 15:01I have never gotten that joke… I still don’t. It’s funny why exactly?
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233.2
bluefire27
in December 13th, 2009 @ 16:09Because there’s no point. Either the person sits there and doesn’t get it, or they say they get it but you know they’re lying because there’s nothing to get. Either way, you can laugh at said person.
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bubblebabe225
in November 26th, 2009 @ 21:10HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
I can’t think of any good jokes!!!
Oh, yes.
Your sister’s so stupid, she tells “your mom” jokes. Hee.
———————————————————————————————-
How many presidents does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
George Washington to lead the presidents into battle.
John Adams to tell the First Ladies they’re too weak to screw it in.
Thomas Jefferson to send people to explore the other side.
James Madison to write laws about it.
James Monroe to sit and yell at French people.
John Quincy Adams to belong to five political parties about it.
Andrew Jackson to insist on slaves to do it for them.
Martin Van Buren to create Democrats.
William Henry Harrison to die before he even touches the lightbulb.
John Tyler to stare at the empty socket.
James Polk to declare war on it, chicken out, and lead another war south of the lightbulb.
Zachary Taylor to be Old, Rough, and Ready.
Millard Fillmore to try to unite all the presidents.
Franklin Pierce to be the worst lightbulb-screwer in U.S. history.
James Buchanan to sit back and let half of the room secede.
Abraham Lincoln to force them back together, and make racist jokes.
Andrew Johnson to try to get all the Presidents to work together again.
Ulysses S. Grant to write an autobiography about it.
Rutherford B. Hayes to hide from voters.
James A. Garfield to lock himself in his office and be a recluse.
Chester A. Arthur to ban polygamists from screwing in the lightbulb.
Grover Cleveland to cause a depression.
Benjamin Harrison to spend a billion dollars on it.
William McKinley to advertise it.
Theodore Roosevelt to win a prize, refuse leadership, then go on a safari.
Woodrow Wilson to allow women to have a say.
Warren G. Harding to publish newspapers about lightbulbs.
Calvin Coolidge to strike police.
Herbert Hoover to break the new lightbulb, then tell everyone things are getting better and the lightbulb is fixed already.
Franklin D. Roosevelt to fix the lightbulb and die halfway up the ladder.
Harry S. Truman to cause tumult.
Dwight D. Eisenhower to engage in a staring contest with the Soviets.
John F. Kennedy to look lovable, attempt to screw in the lightbulb, then be assassinated.
Lyndon B. Johnson to stick his tongue out at John F. Kennedy.
Richard Nixon to break into a building, steal a lightbulb, cover it up, hide conversations, and be kicked out.
Gerald Ford to forgive him.
Jimmy Carter to insist on a more energy-efficient lightbulb.
Ronald Reagan to distrust communists.
George H.W. Bush to tax people on the bulb.
Bill Clinton to screw in the lightbulb.
George W. Bush to spend eight years trying, and failing miserably, to turn the switch on.
Barack H. Obama to do the best he can to actually turn it on…
[INSERT PUNCH LINE HERE]
Whew. That took me about 40 minutes to write.
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234.1
KaiYves
in November 27th, 2009 @ 10:48Cute. Very cute.
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234.2
Maths Lover ♥
in November 27th, 2009 @ 19:36
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234.3
bluefire27
in November 28th, 2009 @ 09:25Just a question… were you laughing at my post, or bubbles’ post?
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234.3.1
Maths Lover ♥
in December 21st, 2009 @ 00:42bubbles’ post
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235
bubblebabe225
in November 27th, 2009 @ 13:07Were you being verbally ironic, KaiYves?
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235.1
KaiYves
in November 27th, 2009 @ 18:08Yes.
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bubblebabe225
in November 28th, 2009 @ 15:33Oh. Well, it amused me as I was working on it. I guess it’s not that funny…
“Where did John go when he rolled out of bed?”
“The elevator!”
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236.1
bluefire27
in November 29th, 2009 @ 15:06Ahem. As I said in post 234.2, were you laughing at post 232 or 233?
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236.2
Ducky
in November 29th, 2009 @ 18:37Actually, it is quite funny.
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237
bluefire27
in November 29th, 2009 @ 15:12*someone mentions the word crazy*
Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me up in a round room. (You know how I gotta have my corners.) So I dug a hole. Then came the worms. Worms make me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once… (and so on)
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bluefire27
in November 29th, 2009 @ 15:29STUPID BLONDE JOKE ALERT
-I gave nothing against blondes, but I thought this joke was funny. And I originally heard it about violists. So, here goes:When does a blonde have two brain cells?
When she’s pregnant! XD
(No offense to any blondes. Really.)
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238.1
LittleBasementKitten (Halena)
in November 29th, 2009 @ 16:31Meh, it’s fine. I have a few dumb blond classmates myself, so it’s justified.
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238.2
Rosebud2, the red-haired violist
in December 20th, 2009 @ 17:13You heard it about a violist? That’s so…mean…*sniffle*
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238.2.1
bluefire27 and Drake (-_-)
in February 21st, 2010 @ 13:21I’m sorry that I offended you.
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239
LittleBasementKitten thinking of changing her name (Halena)
in December 5th, 2009 @ 10:40BLOND JOKE AHEAD!!
What do you call a blond with half a brain?
Gifted!
Hahaha, I kinda took that from Lion King 1 1/2.
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bookgirl_me
in December 5th, 2009 @ 12:36Random factoid; In German, “blond” means blonde and “blöd” means stupid. Therefore, a blond girl could be called (in viennese/autrian slang) a Blondine and a stupid girl a Blödine. There are lots of jokes about the correlation of those two words.
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240.1
LittleBasementKitten/Shadow Absol(Halena)
in December 5th, 2009 @ 13:20That’s kind of cool.
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240.2
Ducky♩♪♫♬â™â™®â™¯
in December 5th, 2009 @ 14:30 When I was looking for the pronunciation of ö, I discovered that word and have been looking for a situation to use it in ever since.
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240.2.1
LittleBasementKitten/Shadow Absol(Halena)
in December 5th, 2009 @ 16:58How about this?
————A blond and a brunette are walking down the hallway. A boy passes them and says to the blond, “Wow, you’re a true blondine!” The brunette says, “No, she’s a true blödine.”
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240.3
KaiYves- Water? YES!
in December 5th, 2009 @ 17:07In Spanish, “mono” means both “cute” and “monkey”, so “Tu eres mono” means “You’re cute.”, but “Tu eres UN mono.” means “You’re a monkey.”
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241
Rosebud2
in December 5th, 2009 @ 17:52So “Tue eres un mono mono” means “You’re a cute monkey!”
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241.1
SudoRandom
in February 21st, 2010 @ 13:54Mono mono doo dooo, doodoodoo, Mono mono doo doodoo doo…. Go Muppets.
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242
bubblebabe225
in December 5th, 2009 @ 19:33Aww how mignon!!!
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243
Rosebud2, the red-haired violist
in December 20th, 2009 @ 17:21A violinist and a violist are Girl Scouts in the same troop. One day, the troop leader passes out order forms and information about selling Girl Scout cookies. The violist and violinist decide to compete and see who can sell the most boxes of cookies that day.
When the violist goes out in her neighborhoo, the violinist sneaks after her, hoping to see some tricks for selling. When the violist comes to a house, she rings a doorbell and starts a wonderful sales pitch. The guy in the house signs up to buy three boxes of cookies. When the violist has moved on to the next house, the violinist emerges from the bushes, rings the doorbell, and tries to sell cookies to the same guy. He gets mad and slams the door in the violinist’s face. On this goes all the way down the street.
When the two Girl Scouts meet up at the end of the day, the violist has sold 42 boxes of cookies, but the violininst hasn’t sold any.
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243.1
bluefire27
in December 24th, 2009 @ 15:08BAhahahahahahahahahah!!!!!!!!!
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244
bubblebabe225
in December 26th, 2009 @ 13:27243 – Is that like a blonde joke with violists? And you really have red hair? I wish I had red hair. I’m going to dye my hair red.
Okay, so I have a joke.
What does the Pink Panther say when he steps on a bug?
( to the tune of the Pink Panther theme song: ) Dead ant, dead ant, dead-ant-dead-ant-dead-ant-dead-ant…
Hahaha!
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244.1
☼Zinc the sorceress☼
in December 26th, 2009 @ 14:04Violins and flutes are kinda the s of the band… and percussion jokes like “How do you confuse a percussionist? Put music in front of them.” And since s have no fun, I have to spray paint my hair red for my cosplay or wear a wig and spray paint that red…
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bubblebabe225
in December 26th, 2009 @ 14:52You cosplay?! I knew it! I knew you were like my friend Lucy!!! We have an anime convention in Boston and she went to it, and came back talking about it for weeks…anyway. Your percussion joke was funny
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245.1
☼Zinc the sorceress☼
in December 26th, 2009 @ 15:24Yeah, I cosplay as Matt from Note. :3 My theatre teacher told Tati and me (Tati plays trumpet and I play clarinet.).
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246
Piggy
in January 3rd, 2010 @ 23:51A German shepherd went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote:
“Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.â€
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.â€
“But,†the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.â€XD
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246.1
Enceladus
in January 4th, 2010 @ 05:45XD!!!!!! Where did you find that joke?
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247
cromwell
in January 4th, 2010 @ 10:15Real physicists know the best way not to change Christmas is not to observe it.
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248
bubblebabe225, the Bunny Lover
in January 5th, 2010 @ 16:09What’s small, round, and blue?
A cranberry holding its breath!!
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249
Zinnober 9
in January 7th, 2010 @ 09:10A few jokes:
Q #1) What do you get when you divide 400 billion by 333?
Q#2) What should never be written on the end of an infinitely long box?
Q#3) How do you not end the last joke in a joke book?
A #1) ɹoʇÉ|nÉ”|ÉÉ” É*
A#2) puÇ É¹Çɥʇo Ê‡É uÇdo :ÇsɹÇʌıun Çʇıuıɟuı pÇzıs-Çɟı|
A#3) ÇbÉd ʇxÇu uo ɹÇÊsuÉ
*And you thought the answer was 1201201201201 R67.
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249.1
muselover
in January 7th, 2010 @ 16:11How did you make that text upside-down? I want to do that!
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250
Beetles and Drakon ( ^_^ ) and Thorn (10 wung points)
in January 7th, 2010 @ 16:19A riddle:
A woman is standing in front of a building. The curtains are closed. She calls the police and many people are arrested.
What happened?
A: She is looking at a counterfeit $20 bill.
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250.1
bubblebabe225, the Bunny Lover
in January 7th, 2010 @ 19:51I don’t get it.
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250.1.1
Piggy
in January 7th, 2010 @ 20:03The back of a twenty dollar bill shows the white house. The windows in the picture have opened curtains on them. If there’s a bill with the curtains closed, it’s obviously counterfeit.
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250.1.1.1
Piggy
in January 7th, 2010 @ 20:04The cake? I could’ve sworn White House was capitalized when I typed it.
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Princess_Magnolia
in January 17th, 2010 @ 17:16That would have been totally impossible for me to solve even if I DID get it…
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251
Zinnober 9
in January 7th, 2010 @ 16:49For flipping text, I searched on google “flip a text,” and found some websites that would do that.
On the site I chose (I’m not giving a link because external links are against the MB rules),
I typed in the top box what it is that I wanted to say, and hit “flip.”
Then I highlighted the flipped text in the bottom box, and cut and paste to this location.
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252
bookgirl_me
in January 9th, 2010 @ 11:56“I used to have lots of friends. But then my psychotherapist came and made all the little voices in my head go away.”
I told that to a person who’s studying to be a psychotherapist. She laughed.
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253
You Are Never Safe Without A Towel
in February 13th, 2010 @ 21:40A man went to the market this last week to buy Valentines’ cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him. He muttered out loud, “I wonder if they have cards for ex-spouses.” The clerk behind the counter said, “Oh, yes sir, they do have an ‘ex’ category, but they’re in Sporting Goods.” “Really?” “Yes sir…they’re called bullets!”
I have no voice and yet I speak to you, I tell of all things in the world that people do. I have leaves, but I am not a tree, I have pages, but I am not a bride or royalty. I have a spine and hinges, but I am not a man or a door, I have told you all, I cannot tell you more. What am I?
-A Book
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