MuseBlog

That’s right, the whole thing. Open at your own risk.

All across the Universe, a series of seemingly random and completely unconnected events was taking place. Sometimes there were connections, sometimes not. Sometimes things just happened, sometimes people made them happen. Across the Universe, Life was happening. Just a few examples are below.

In a galaxy far, far away, a husband and wife team of explorers was savagely murdered by unknown beasts on an uncharted planet.

Not far away from this galaxy far, far away, a girl woke up from a terrible nightmare.

On another galaxy, far, far away from both my galaxy and yours and the girl’s and the explorers’, a Wizard sat deep in thought, examining a puddle. He had just stepped in the puddle and unfortunately gotten his socks wet. He was not having a vision. His story would probably be much more interesting if he had been. Wet socks are not very pleasant. They squelch and squish, and a vision would have been something to take his mind off them.

And in yet another galaxy, (for there are an abundance of galaxies in the Universe, too many for us weak mortals to even begin to fathom), a girl sat at her computer, typing. Unlike the wizard, she was having a vision. She was having several visions, in fact. Visions from distant galaxies like those that the ones discussed above swirled through her head and ran down her fingers into the keyboards. She typed with superhuman speed, partly because she was not actually a human. Her body was humanoid, but the eye in the back of her head and her extra fingers prevented casual observers from classifying her as a human. Not that any casual observers would. Humans were something of a rarity in those parts. In fact, they did not exist there. If a human walked in, these so-called “aliens” would point and say, “Look! It is one of our own species! Must have been in a war, he/she has lost an eye and several fingers. Poor thing.”

The small clicks that had filled the silent room stopped suddenly and abruptly. The girl leaned in and said quietly to her computer, “Print.” The computer obliged, spewing out sheets of a substance that was similar to paper, but slightly thinner and a bit more rubbery. The girl flipped through the pages.

“Poor wizard,” she muttered to herself sympathetically, eyes resting on the last part of the page. “Wet socks suck” She moved back through the pile, and stopped when she got to the explorers. A little farther down the page was the girl with the nightmare. Her eyes went back and forth between the two events. Then she shut her eyes. “Aha,” she said triumphantly, and vanished. This could be it.

********************

“How’s my evil cackle?” the masked and hooded man asked. He was dressed all in black, and looking quite mysterious. Or was trying to, anyway. He squinted at himself in the mirror and carefully lowered his hood to cast a bit more shadow over his eyes.

“You won’t be able to see with your hood that low,” a large, matronly looking woman said, bustling over and pulling it firmly up. “There you go. I washed your lucky black socks. Here you are, dear,”

“I do wish you wouldn’t be so pragmatic all the time, Nanny,” the man said irritably. He was quite young, about sixteen or so. “It completely ruins the atmosphere I’m trying to set!” He then attempted to pull his sock on, and promptly fell over into the laundry basket.

“Oh deary me!” Nanny exclaimed. “Are you alright? So clumsy. You always were clumsy.”

“Nanny,” the young man said firmly, looking pained. “Shouldn’t you go bring the others their socks and suchlike?”

“Ah, but the others aren’t going out on their first real assignment!” Nanny said, waggling her finger at the boy. “Still, I suppose you’re right. Mustn’t keep them waiting.” She picked up the laundry and moved towards the door. Halfway out, she paused and turned around. “You will be careful though, won’t you? You won’t get caught? Promise your old Nanny that,”

The young man rolled his eyes. “Yes, yes,” he said impatiently. “I’ll be careful. It’s not a difficult assignment. It sounds easier than some of the practice runs I’ve done.”

“Don’t be so sure!” Nanny said ominously. “Practice runs are quite different! This is for real, remember!”

“I know,” he said, waving her out. “Goodbye Nanny!”

“Goodbye,” she said, wiping away a tear as she walked down the hall. “Ach, they grow up so fast…” She trailed off and walked into another room.

Left alone at last, the young man sighed and pulled his hood back down, examining it again for effect. “Good enough,” he muttered, and jumped out the window.

He managed to grab the branches of a tree as they went by, and carefully lowered himself into a bush. He sneaked around a corner and up the fire escape. Pausing by a third-story window, he began disabling various alarms and booby traps that were practically invisible to the inexperienced. After he undid the usual alarms, he paused. Something wasn’t right. He stared at the old, worn, dull red bricks of the building carefully, looking for something abnormal, something new. He found it. Another alarm system, quite simple, but so cleverly disguised it was almost impossible to see. Fortunately, the man in black’s eyes were extremely sharp and penetrating. He disabled the simple alarm and, at last, satisfied that there was nothing else, crept through the window.

“Well done,” a deep voice boomed out from behind a huge, billowing robe. “I do believe you are ready.” The robe was seated at a large, polished wooden desk with its slender, black-gloved hands folded carefully in front of it. A sign behind it proclaimed in shiny golden letters, Lair of Evil – Fantasy and Science Fiction Bad Guys Training Center – Kidnapping Division.

The young kidnapper bowed deeply and nervously. “Master,” he said reverently. “I am ready indeed.”

The Master who was apparently inside the robe nodded gravely. “Good,” he said. “But don’t get overconfident. You received all the necessary information, is that correct?”

The younger man nodded. “That is indeed correct, Master. The task does not seem to be that difficult. I shall succeed and report back to you shortly.”

The Master sighed at this. “Young man, you are the most skilled kidnapper to pass through this school in years. You have beaten every test, you have risen to every challenge. You have my full confidence. Yet you are still not a fully fledged Kidnapper. You have a long way to go before you can fully understand the profession. There is more to kidnapping than climbing in and out of highly secure areas. Beware of forming relationships with your victims. This is the kidnapper’s weakest area. Assassins and Evil Plotters and other such people have it easier than we do. They rarely meet people that are not dead or about to die. You will have to remain aloof. That is where you are most likely to fail. You make friends easily and well. I sometimes wonder if perhaps another profession might have been better.”

“The idea of killing people repels me, Master,” the young man said, shuddering.

“And driving them towards certain death does not?” the Master replied. Looking carefully through the folds and shadows of his deep hood, the kidnapper thought he could just barely make out an amused twinkle in the old man’s eye. He took a deep breath to begin protesting, but the Master held up a hand.

“Never mind about that,” he said. “Perhaps I should not have mentioned it. Just do the job, and do it well. Confidence is key, but overconfidence will bring about certain failure. Find a happy medium. If you succeed, you shall, as you well know, be given a new name and inducted as a full time, professional kidnapper. Good hunting,” The Master leaned forward and pushed a barely visible knot in the wood of the desk. A square section of the floor dropped away, carrying the kidnapper with it through the intricate network of tunnels underneath the floors and around the walls out to the teleportation office. The Master leaned back and sighed. “Good man,” he muttered, and waited for the next student to finish disabling his alarm systems.

*************************

Iris yawned and stretched. A beam of bright, piercing sunlight streamed in through the window and hit her right in the eyes. She sat up and looked around the room. The small boy on the other side of the room was awake. “Hello David,” she called to her little brother. “I had such a strange dream last night…” She paused, remembering. It had been so vivid. However, she did not have much time to think about it, and when it came down to it, she wasn’t sure she wanted to.

David stood up, yawning. He was short and scrawny, with tousled light brown hair and an abundance of freckles. “I’m hungry, Iris,” he said, pouting. “Let’s go eat.”

Iris smiled. “I’m hungry too,” she said. “Let’s go,” She led the way into the kitchen.

The house Iris and David lived in was small and cramped. They were unused to such tight quarters, but they made the best of it. They were living at a friend’s summer cabin because their parents were famous explorers, and were off on an expedition. The cabin offered more safety precautions that their house did. Besides, almost everybody around knew where their house was. Very few people knew that the *** children were staying in a cabin for the winter, and only four people knew the location. Or so they thought. In reality, the secret of the children’s location had been revealed long ago. Their lives were in danger.

Iris and David had no idea of the impending doom fast approaching, and so they had lived quite happily in the cabin for a month now, assuming that they were perfectly safe. They had an excellent breakfast, and watched a movie for most of the morning.

Iris was fifteen, with long, very dark brown hair. She was short and had large grey eyes and excellent hearing. Her eyesight was less than perfect, so to remedy this she wore small, nondescript glasses. She was practical and more than capable of taking care of her little brother over the summer, although he could be quite troublesome.

David was a mischievous ten-year-old with light brown eyes that twinkled brightly when he was amused. His hair was the same light brown colour, as were his freckles. He seemed to have a boundless store of energy, and had a habit of getting into dangerous situations. He was always getting bored and wandering off searching for an adventure, usually following which his long-suffering sister would have to drag him back and bandage him up amidst his feeble protests that, “it didn’t hurt that much, really”

The two siblings did bicker occasionally, but generally got on well enough with each other. They had to, being so isolated from other children their age. They were home schooled and often on their own a lot. Their parents frequently went away for months at a time, exploring and mapping uncharted planets.

David and Iris were happy. They felt safe and secure in their isolated cabin. They were in their own little world, a world of comfort, and a world without worry, anxiety, or stress. Then one day, that world was shattered. A black shadow slipped noiselessly into their lives, disfiguring the beauty and innocence of youth. A black shadow named Montgomery.

**********************

Montgomery scratched absentmindedly at his new black socks as he tried to figure out where he was. There had been a class called Finding The Target in his first year, but it had been at a much closer range. Highways were something they had never learned. He had found a wide, gaping hole in the education of a kidnapper. He reminded himself to mention this to the Master if he ever found his way back. Is this my turn here? he wondered desperately. Well it is now, he decided, and spun the wheel sharply. He was driving a car. He did not know what type, make, year, or whatever, and he did not particularly care either. It was a small, white car with no interesting characteristics to distinguish it or let it stick in people’s memories. It was the most unobtrusive car you could imagine. In short, the car was absolutely perfect for his sort of job.

He drove into a town and decided to stop for dinner. He parked his unobtrusive little white car and went in to the restaurant, which he had chosen because it was the first one he saw after deciding to stop. It was actually quite nice and not too expensive either. He ordered chicken and mashed potatoes and waited for his food. And waited. And waited. Finally, he stood up and went to the kitchen, looking for his waitress. Inside, he heard two voices talking quietly over the clink and clatter of dishes moving in and out. His sharp, well-trained ears easily picked out what they were saying.

“You called the police?

“Yes. They laughed at me. But they’re coming.”

“And you’re absolutely sure? It would be terribly embarrassing to arrest an innocent customer. There would have to be…consequences.” The voice sounded vaguely threatening.

“I’m sure. I don’t know him personally, but I recognized him as a member of the school as soon as I walked through the door.”

“Hmm. Well, if you’re sure…just do what you have to do. But do it without getting the restaurant in trouble. Is that too much to ask?”

“No, that’s just fine. Thank you.”

The first voice, the voice of a quiet, anxious man, grunted softly and said, “Well, goodbye then.”

“Goodbye”

Montgomery walked away quickly before the men could exit. He considered his options. He was being hunted by the police. He had been recognized as a member of the Lair of Evil School, the most top-secret, heavily guarded school he knew of. That meant that the person who called the police was or had been a teacher, student, or parent at the school. Was this a test? Maybe the Master had sent out a few obstacles, like the teachers often did on practice runs. But no, this was a real case. His first real assignment. His failure would result in expulsion. He would not get his Kidnapper’s Degree. He would be turned loose in the world with a brain wipe, no memory of his location or his past. He would have no job, no money, none of anything to help him along. He had to succeed. He shook himself mentally. What Ifs were getting him nowhere. He considered his options. He could either stay, risk the police and the mysterious man, and get to the bottom of the mystery, or he could leave as fast as he could and hope he was not being followed. Or he could lead them to some more remote place with less law enforcement and challenge them there. He knew what he should do, the question was what would he do? The job required him to follow his original course, kidnap the girl, and come back. However, he was intensely curious about the motives and reasoning behind the man’s searching for him. He knew about the Lair of Evil. The beautiful old school was in danger. Loyalty to the Lair of Evil School is something carefully cultivated in all students almost as soon as they arrived. Kidnappers were especially loyal. Unlike other students, they reported back the school all the time. They trusted the school with their prisoners, and followed the school’s orders without question. (Assassins were the other students most likely to end up following the school’s orders, however they were taught to always meet the customer personally and make sure the school didn’t make a mistake. Kidnapping was considerably less serious and certainly much less irrevocable than killing.) Also, Kidnappers had a thorough grounding in all the basics of every profession in the school. With their comprehensive education, they often came back to the school as teachers after they retired from field work. Montgomery had a naturally loyal personality, and the thought of the good old Lair being in danger was enough motive for him to satisfy his personal curiosity. He ruled out letting them follow him. Leading footpads along required extreme patience as well as time. He would have to go slowly enough so they could figure out where he was headed and follow him satisfactorily. Time and patience were two things he had little of. The only option left that would allow him to find out who the stranger was and what he was up to was to stick around.

He drove out of the restaurant, leaving his chicken uneaten (he did leave some money on the table though. For a kidnapper, he was a very honest one.), checked into the nearest hotel, and bought a change of clothes (something less black-normal jeans and a t-shirt) and exchanged his hood for a baseball hat. He also bought a camera, deciding tourism would not be a bad disguise, before realizing that there was nothing in this town that would attract a tourist. He decided to leave the camera in his hotel room. This was it. He was on a Mission. He was going to find out what was going on.

************************

The alien girl was typing again. Typing just as fast as before, but on a laptop. She was on a spaceship, headed for a distant galaxy far, far away. She had a friend with her, whom she turned to and spoke.

“Aria,” she said. “I’m wondering…why do earth people always refer to a far away galaxy as a galaxy far, far away? Why the two fars? It is like those other earth people, always saying ‘oui, oui’ instead of ‘oui’. It does not really make any sense. It’s completely redundant,”

“You know Kelda, I’ve always wondered about that too,” Aria responded. “I think they like to make their words longer, because they think it makes them more important. The more words they say, the more important they feel. Not that anybody’s listening to their words.”

Kelda sighed. “Yes, that’s the problem with earth people,” she said sadly. “They don’t listen. They’re always talking.”

Aria laughed. “That’s what we’re for,” she said cheerily. “We listen for them. That’s why we’re the Listeners.”

“I guess you’re right,” Kelda said. “Although it is nice to be able to say something once in a while, instead of listening all day.”

“Oh no,” Aria said, laughing again. “Don’t go all Elder on us! You’re too young!”

The Elders were retired Listeners who had gotten so tired of always listening and never getting to talk, that they blabbed almost constantly and never listened to a word anybody else said. One theory was that they spent so much time listening to People that they became a bit like them. The Earth People Listeners got it especially bad. Earth People were some of the worst blabbermouths in the Universe.

The Earth People had actually been what started the whole Listening business. A group of humans noticed how little people actually listened to each other. They decided somebody had to do it, for some odd philosophical reasoning that nobody really understood. It was something about that old question, “If a tree falls in a forest, and there’s nobody around to hear it, does it make a sound?” Or something like that. The main point was, they believed that something had to be heard or it might not have been said. Very few Listeners actually believed in this philosophy now, but they went on listening because it was what they did, and what they had always done. They had evolved for listening. Their fingers lengthened and multiplied, for better typing skills. The extra eye was so they did not have to turn around, possibly making noise by squeaking the chair. Their ears had developed too, they were quite large (but not unusually so) but had a precision which far surpassed that of any other race in the Universe. Their entire purpose had shifted. Now, they lived to listen. And, for the most part, they enjoyed it.

So, following millions of years of developed instinct, Kelda began to listen. She heard the voices of the explorers, Earth explorers, far from home, far from family. She pitied them as they sat and chatted by the fire. So she listened.

The explorers said little. She could hear the crackle of meat being cooked, the hiss of the fat dripping into the fire. She could hear them discussing the weather, the wildlife, the hospitality and livability of the planet. She could hear it all. There was a man and a woman, husband and wife. They talked about their home, their children, and their dog.

“I hope Iris and David are doing all right,” the woman said worriedly.

“I’m sure they’re fine,” the man said in a soothing voice. “We certainly left them secure enough,”

“I don’t know,” the woman said. “I have a bad feeling about this…something’s telling me we should never have left them there.”

“What would you rather do, bring them along?” the man asked. “We didn’t know whether this planet would even support life, let alone our kind. I would certainly not bring a child on here until several more tests had been taken.”

“I know, it sounds ridiculous,” the woman agreed. “I suppose they are better off back home in that cabin. It’s quite damp here”

The man glanced up at the grey sky. “Wet. Soaking. Drizzly. Miserable.” He pointed up. “Look at those clouds. It’s going to rain again.”

“Oh dear,” the woman responded. “There’s so much mud around already. We had better be careful or we will be sucked under. I wonder if they have quicksand here…”

“Well, let’s hope we don’t find out,” the man said cheerily. “Come on, have some…” he paused and looked at the meat in his hand. “Some…um…chickeny tasting big furry type thing”

The woman laughed, and cut a piece off. She ate with her fingers. “Delicious,” she said.

They ate in silence. Kelda could hear the whooshing wind, the chewing, the leaves falling from the strange, bendy trees dotted around the large, flat plain the explorers were camped on. It did not take them long to finish.

“Well that was lovely,” the man said contentedly. “Now I’d better finish that map.” He pulled out a large sheet of paper and a thick pile of notes and began to fill things in.

A huge beast with thick, dark fur came charging out towards them, sniffing the air. The woman looked up.

“Oh no,” she said softly. “I think we just ate her child…”

The man shoved his maps in a bag and pulled out his knife. The woman gathered up several other knives lying around the camp, and they began throwing knives and daggers at the beast. Their aim was excellent, but the knives just glanced off, deflected by the thick fur or some other unknown protection. Other beasts came to support the first one and they all began to close in around the helpless explorers.

Kelda pulled her ears away sadly as the growling and roaring of the beasts became louder. The screams of the explorers were ringing in her ears. That was the end for them. Then, with a shock, she realized she had been listening to the past again.

Aria glanced at her closely. “Are you ok?” she asked, concerned.

“I’m fine,” Kelda said weakly. “I was listening to the past again. I did not even realize I was doing it, but it took so much energy out of me. I think I’ll go take a nap,” She stood up and tottered over to her bedroom and flopped on the bed. “Good night Aria. Or day, or whatever.”

“Good night or day or whatever,” Aria said, smiling.

********************

Montgomery stepped out of his hotel room and stopped dead, staring. A man wearing the same type of black robes as he had just taken off was unlocking his hotel room right across the hall. Even with the hood pulled down low and the huge, concealing robes wrapped around him, Montgomery could recognize the stranger. He slipped around to the back of the hotel and began climbing up the balconies. Of course, he could just knock on the door, but this way was much more fun. He reached the window and stood on the balcony. He put a hand in his pocket and swore. He was wearing jeans, not his robe. He had not had space to transfer all his tools. He glanced back towards the ground, groaning. Yes, this was fun to climb up, but he had not expected to have to climb down as well. He stood there wondering what to do when the window suddenly opened.

“Monty,” the man inside said calmly. He was tall and thin, with long black hair that fell over his face making him look almost emo except for the perpetual twinkle in his light blue eyes.

“Zacheus,” Montgomery said, trying to sound equally cool.

The man smiled. “Monty, you fail at keeping a straight face. You know that, right?”

Montgomery, aka Monty, laughed and hugged his friend. “Zach!” he said excitedly. “Man, it’s good to see you. What are you doing here?”

“I was about to ask you the same question,” Zach said. “But the order doesn’t matter. I was here on a job and discovered a rather interesting development. I’ll tell you all about it, but it’s a long story so let’s hear how you got here first.”

“Same, really,” Monty said. “First assignment,” he said proudly. “I’ve almost passed!”

“Don’t get cocky,” Zach said, smiling. Zach had been Monty’s best friend at the Lair of Evil School. He was a year above Monty, quieter, more thoughtful, and less rash and impulsive. “I failed my first test, you know. Never would have believed it if you told me I was going to fail. But I did.”

“You failed, Zach?” Monty asked incredulously. “I never knew that!” He was surprised at this. Zach had passed every class with flying colours and had memorized everything you would ever need to know. He was a walking encyclopedia. And his knowledge and intelligence did not interfere with his physical prowess either. Granted, Monty could beat him at most sports and physical competitions, but try as he might, he could not manage to humiliate him or completely cream him. Zach was much stronger than he looked, and often came very close.

“Yes,” Zach replied somberly. “I failed. I left things too late, kept waiting for a better chance. That’s my one failing you know-indecision”

Monty nodded. Yes, Zach was indecisive. His caution sometimes exceeded the needed amount. Thinking back on their past pranks and exploits, it had always been Monty deciding to do things and making Zach come along.

“Well, I’ll remember not to do that!” Monty said cheerfully. “But you passed the second time, didn’t you? Obviously, as you’re here.”

“You have the opposite problem,” Zach observed wryly. “But yes, I passed the second assignment. This is my fifth job so far.”

“What happened to your first?” Monty asked.

“An older Kidnapper was sent to do the job. The Master decided I was shamed enough and did not bother announcing my failure to the whole school. He rarely does, you know. More people fail the first test than you might think. He probably does not want to make the school look bad. Still, I was grateful.”

“I would imagine,” said Monty sympathetically.

“Anyway,” Zach continued, “Somebody knows about the Lair of Evil, somebody besides the past and former students. Somebody who is out to get us for some reason.”

“Yeah, they called the police on me,” Monty interrupted. “I figured it must be a parent, because present or former students or teachers would never do that.”

“A parent,” Zach mused thoughtfully. “Interesting idea. That would explain a lot.”

Monty grinned. “So, what do we do? Bring him back to the Lair?”

“No,” said Zach firmly. “This is your first assignment. You do not want to fail. And my job is of a rather serious nature. It is too important to be put off. We have to do something, true, but really there is nothing we can do. I think I will phone the Lair and have them send reinforcements. Until then, we’ll probably have to keep a close watch on him.”

“That’s it?” Monty asked. “That’s crazy! This guy is a threat! We need to deal with it!”

“Calm down,” Zach said quietly. “We’ll deal with it. But not by rushing in and destroying a delicate situation, like you intend to do. We are doing this slowly and cautiously, and we are going to be extremely careful not to be noticed. On that note, good job on the clothes. Where’d you get them?”

“Oh, at the little shop downstairs. Want some? I’ll go get you something,” Monty offered.

“That would be great,” Zach said. “Thank you so much”

“No problemo!” Monty replied cheerfully, and walked out into the hall and into the elevator. Time to spy. Mwahahahaha, he thought gleefully to himself.

*********************************

Kelda woke up with a start. There were voices in her ears. She was needed for Listening. She groaned softly and sat up, listening as hard as she could. The muddled pool of voices running together separated itself, and she could hear the words.

“The school must die,” said a man’s voice. “It is an abomination,”

“Is it really all that bad?” responded a woman. “When we met Markayla’s friends, you know, before…before, they all seemed quite happy. It’s not like the school doesn’t take care of them. And Markayla’s letters, remember those? They were always so enthusiastic and full of joy.”

Kelda couldn’t see the woman, but she could easily imagine the soft smile on her face, remembering better times.

“How happy was Markayla when she was dead?” the man asked harshly. “How happy was she to die before her eighteenth birthday?”

There was a gasp from the woman, and Kelda could pick out a soft trickle of tears.

“I’m sorry,” the man said more gently. “But it’s true. However happy Markayla might have been before, she isn’t here to tell us now. And it’s all the school’s fault. They need to be shut down as soon as possible, so other parents aren’t standing here crying over their dead children like we are.”

His voice was breaking as he spoke, and now Kelda could hear another drip, drip, drip added to the woman’s.

“You’re right,” the woman said firmly and decisively, getting a hold on herself. Kelda heard a brush of her hand and the tinkle of tears as they hit the floor. “Enough is enough. We need to do something.”

“That’s the spirit,” said the man approvingly. “Let’s make the world a little safer for the children”

The voices faded out now. However, Kelda was confused. Why did she have to listen to that? And the explorers too, were a bit unusual. She didn’t often have to listen to two people talking to each other, because their voices were already being heard. Something important was going on, something she needed to know about. She needed to listen because she needed to tell. But she wasn’t a Teller, a blabbermouth human or a fast-talking Hrugian or any of the billion other species she could name who talked too much for their own good.

“They need your help,” a soft voice said from behind. Kelda spun around.

“Aria!” she exclaimed. “You surprised me. You could hear?”

Aria nodded. “But it was coming to you. Why did it need two Listeners listening to two people?”

“Right,” Kelda nodded. “Two people, and they were listening to each other. Maybe the time has come to stop listening. Maybe it’s time to do something.”

“But that’s not our job,” Aria reminded her. “We listen. We don’t interfere.”

“But what’s the point?” Kelda asked, exasperated. “We listen the whole time, but we never do anything! Do the people know we’re listening? I doubt it! Our listening serves no purpose unless we use it to take action!”

Aria looked at her thoughtfully. “You’ve never had a problem with it before,” she pointed out. “Why now?”

Kelda sighed. “I have no idea,” she said wearily. “I was fine, I listened, I did my job, and then suddenly,” she shrugged, “this. Listening to things that don’t need Listening. Hearing things that don’t matter, at least not according to the profession of the Listeners. And yet they do matter. All the sudden, I feel restricted and bound by my job. I feel like I need to get out there and do something. It happened almost literally overnight. I’m no longer content to Listen, and I’m no longer convinced that it makes people happy.”

Aria sighed. “I’m listening to you,” she said, “but I could never understand that way of thinking. The job does not restrict. It offers incredible freedom, more than most people even dream of. We know everything Kelda. Have you ever considered that? We hear everything that goes on.”

“But we still can’t figure out right from wrong,” Kelda retorted. “We still can’t seem to use our knowledge to help people. Just listening isn’t enough.”

“We can’t save the world, Kelda,” Aria admonished softly.

“No,” Kelda replied with determination. “But we can try. We can do our best to help and hope that others do too. Instead we sit on our lazy bums and listen to the sufferings of the people. We listen to their cries and pains. And never do anything about it. I’m sick of it.”

“Where is Kelda?” Aria cried out. “What have you done with her? She loved her job and was content. Now you come to spoil everything! Who are you?”

To her extreme surprise, she received an answer. “I am what is,” a deep voice said. Aria looked around wildly. The voice seemed to be coming from Kelda, but her lips weren’t moving. Aria cowered in fear.

“What have you done with Kelda?” she asked timidly. “Why are you here?”

“I am the change which is to be. Kelda is here, but not here. She has had a revelation, and that revelation was me. I am within her, yet she is within me. We are one.”

“Will you please stop saying stupid dramatic things like that?” Aria asked, no longer timid. “I’m trying to think here!”

Aria was confused. She had not said the words. She had formed no thought of them in her brain, and her lips hadn’t moved at all. “Buh….buh…” she muttered incoherently.

“Oh hush,” said a voice in her head peevishly. “You have the absolutely worst atmosphere for materializing in. We have to work through you while you insist on remaining on this bleak planet.”

Aria felt hurt. “It’s a beautiful planet,” she retorted bitterly. “A little grey and windy at times, but it has beautiful sunsets.”

“We’re not here for sunsets,” her alter ego-or what she assumed was her alter ego, and what she would call an alter ego for lack of a better word, said impatiently. “We’re here for business. Stop moving your lips around, it’s quite distracting. You really don’t need to you know, with me here in your mind. Besides, it lets Adair know what we’re saying, and we really don’t need to do that. It makes him feel important.”

“Like this?” asked Aria, trying to direct her thoughts to the being inside her head. She felt absolutely ridiculous, but it seemed to work.

“Yes, yes, no need to shout,” the voice in her head responded.

“Shout?” Aria asked. “I’m not shouting. Am I? How do I stop?”

“You don’t need to concentrate your will so hard,” said the voice. “You’ve got the control and ability necessary already. Just relax, and think naturally except towards me instead of towards yourself.”

“Oh,” Aria said, trying to be as quiet as possible inside her own head. “So not to be rude or anything, but why are you here?”

“It is time,” the voice responded mysteriously. “Oh look at me, I’m getting as daft and sentimental as Adair,” it rebuked itself. “We’re here because we’re needed here. But we won’t be here for long. Well, that is to say we’ll be here with you, although not in your minds like we are now necessarily, but we won’t be on this dismal planet, that’s for sure. Beautiful sunsets or not.”

“Wait,” said Aria, fearing the answer but having to ask the question. “You’ll be with us, but you won’t be on this planet? Does that mean we have to leave the planet as well?”

“Yes,” said the voice firmly. “As much as it pains you, you have to leave your sunsets and do the work you are assigned to do. Destiny calls, and who can refuse her? Few have tried and all have failed. The point is, it’s a lot better not to try. She’s got a temper, that one. Quite a good card player though, and I won’t even bother trying to beat her at chess any more. The only person better than her at that is that daft old Seer of Fame’s, and that’s because he cheats. Being a Seer and all.”

Aria was completely confused but decided not to say anything. The presence in her mind sensed her confusion though.

“Oh don’t mind me, I tend to ramble on quite a bit,” the voice said. “When you’ve got memories from since before Time began, well, that’s a lot of anecdotes, isn’t it? And anecdotes are things that are just waiting to be said. And I figured, you’re a Listener, you’ll listen. Then the memories will be free,”

Aria nodded before realizing that this was a completely pointless move since the being couldn’t see her. Or could it? In any case, she still didn’t quite follow what it was talking about and what was going on, but she decided it would be best to agree.

“Oh, and one other thing before we run off and traverse the world together, you really ought to have a name for me. It’s rather insulting just to be called ‘the voice in my head’ you know. Although I thought ‘presence’ was quite good,” the presence said, sounding amused.

Aria blushed. “Oh, right,” she said, embarrassed. “What’s your name?”

“I have many names, half of which I can’t even remember anyway. And let’s not get started on the formal titles. How I detest formal titles. I can never remember them at all. All I know is, what with the insane amount I have, I probably outrank anybody else alive today. Except maybe Fame, but her titles are mostly ceremonial anyway.

“Um…no offense, but you’re getting sidetracked again,” Aria said, trying not to sound offensive or insulting. “Anyway, what should I call you then?”

There was a pause, as the voice thought. “Call me Ishmael,” it said at last. “I’ve always rather liked that name, and it’s very easy to remember. Besides, I like saying the line. That’s one of my favorite books you know.”

Aria was confused. “What book?” she asked.

Ishmael sounded surprised. “Moby Dick,” it said. “Haven’t you read it? I don’t appreciate being an it either. It’s what you generally call monsters and suchlike, is it not? Male or Female, I don’t care, just pick one and stick with it.”

“I can’t read,” Aria confessed. “We’re Listeners, not Readers. By the way, you’re male. Ishmael is a male name.”

“Suit yourself on my gender,” Ishmael said. “You should learn how to read though. We’ll have a rather long journey. I can teach you on the way.”

Aria couldn’t imagine a situation that would require her to be literate, but before she could point this out, Adair/Kelda interrupted her.

“Are you two finished chatting yet?” he asked peevishly. “Let’s go already! My talk with the girl has been over for ten minutes already!

“Oh, we’re done,” Ishmael said from inside Aria. “We were discussing my name and gender.”

“I do wish you wouldn’t change them so often,” Adair said. “What are they for this journey?”

“Ishmael. Male,” Ishmael responded shortly. “And changing them makes life less tiresome.”

Adair made Kelda’s shoulders shrug. “Suit yourself I guess,” he said impatiently. However, Aria felt it was time to try something.

“Kelda,” she said, taking control of her lips back.

There was a brief, invisible struggle on the other side of the room. Aria couldn’t see or hear anything, but she could sense Kelda and Adair fighting for control of Kelda’s body.

Ishmael sighed. “I’ll handle this,” he said irritably. Aria felt a whoosh as the presence of Ishmael left her body and entered Kelda’s.

*************************

Monty sat gloomily on his bed, staring at the wall. “Where on earth could he have gotten to?” he asked the wall. The wall did not reply, but merely stared at him mockingly, leering with its smudges. Monty kicked it savagely.

Just then, the door opened and Zach walked in. “We need this apartment intact you know,” he said mildly and sat down on the bed that Monty had just recently vacated.

“Where have you been?” Monty asked, scolding like a worried mother.

“Looking around,” Zach replied. “Calm down.”

“I could have helped you,” Monty said in a hurt voice. “Why didn’t you ask me along?”

“The job only took one,” Zach said calmly. “Your presence would not help the situation at all. Now stop whining and listen to what I got”

“Fine,” Monty said, abashed. He sat sulkily as Zach explained the situation to him.

“Let’s put the facts first,” Zach said in a hatefully matter-of-fact tone of voice.

“Oh yes,” Monty said sarcastically. “Let’s do.”

Zach glared at him. “Will you knock it off?” he asked peevishly. “Right. Here’s how it is. This guy’s a parent, like you thought.”

Zach paused to allow Monty his whooping and “told you so” time, then smiled and continued.

“Actually, there are two of them,” he said. “The mother and the father. The parents of Markayla Hecht. You remember her?”

Mark nodded grimly. He remembered Markayla well. She had been an acquaintance of his, not a close friend, but somebody he gave a cheery “Hi!” to in the hallways of the Lair. She was a small girl with short red hair and bright green eyes that seemed to take an interest in everything. She was a decent student, not brilliant but not terrible either. Her death had been the greatest tragedy at the Lair of Evil since the legendary and infamous death of Paul McGee in 1925, who died by being trampled by a wild rhino while out on a job in an unexplored territory. According to the legend, he tried to jump on the rhino and ride him, because his feet were tired and because that was the sort of rash, dangerous, unthinking thing he did. In Markayla’s case however, the death did not result from incompetence, but from sheer bad luck. On only her third job, she had been killed by an untrained assassin not authorized or recognized by the Lair who was also sneaking in at that precise moment. There had been an uproar from her parents, who first tried to sue the Lair and blame it on them for incompetence in their scheduling. After sufficient evidence was presented that the assassin was not Lair trained or hired, the case was dismissed. After that, they threatened legal action over the body of Markayla, which had been returned by the police as soon as they found out who she was and where she was from. According to her will, which all Lair members write as soon as they pass all their required classes and begin active fieldwork (for obvious reasons- Lair members could be killed at any moment. Their lives were in almost perpetual danger), she wanted to be buried in the Lair graveyard, which she had an odd, morbid fascination with. She would often walk over there and sit and think or read over the gravestones. Sometimes she brought her homework there and swore the spirits of her deceased comrades whispered the answers to her. The will was very explicit on this point-the graveyard was to be her final resting place, no matter what her parents said. Apparently her parents had raised a protest with her at the time she was writing the will, but she stuck to her decision and refused to be buried at the traditional family gravesite. Her parents tried to find some loophole in the will, but failed and eventually gave up. For a few days though, they had the entire school in an uproar, which of course was exacerbated by the grief and rage felt over Markayla’s death. Obviously, Markayla’s parents were not very popular at the Lair of Evil. In fact, most students and staff hated them with a fiery, burning passion, viewing them as the prime examples of the narrow-minded opposition to the Lair.

“Well, her parents are back again,” Zach continued dryly. “This time they’re not bothering with legality and the courts and suing and all that. This time they mean business and they’re going to do it themselves. Those two are past safety issues and good of the community and that crap they had in the beginning. They want revenge, pure and simple.”

“That would be a bad thing for us, wouldn’t it?” Monty asked.

“Indeed,” Zach said. “That would be a very bad thing for us. They are not hesitant to kill us if the need arises, or even if we’re just conveniently close enough to kill.”

“Ah. Yes. Very bad thing,” Monty replied somewhat vaguely. He was thinking hard. “Zach,” he said suddenly, sounding much more alert.

“Yes?” Zach asked curiously. He knew his old friend, and he did believe Monty had come up with a plan.

“I do believe I’ve come up with a plan,” Monty said seriously. Zach burst out laughing.

“What’s so funny?” asked Monty, annoyed. “It’s a very good plan!”

“It’s not that,” Zach wheezed, still laughing. “Never mind. Tell me your plan.”

***************************

Kelda felt a strange rush and suddenly her body became extremely crowded.

“Hello,” said Ishmael pleasantly. “I apologise for the inconvenience. It is cozy in here, isn’t it? Not room to swing a cat, as they say in some places of the universe. Odd saying, I always thought. Now, Adair, please stop acting stupid and let the girl use her body when she wants to. It is hers, after all. Do you want to wreck her mind completely? Let it go!.”

“I don’t see why,” Adair replied sullenly. “It’s for her own good you know.”

“Stop it,” Ishmael said sharply. “First of all, if you wreck her, you’ll find yourself without a body. Second of all, she’s the reason we’re here. Don’t forget that! And thirdly, bodies aren’t things you can easily take. You know you’re not up to that level yet, and I hope to whatever Gods are listening that you never are. You’d take over everybody’s body you met, just to show you could.

With Adair inside her body, Kelda could feel what he felt quite clearly. Now he was feeling ashamed, abashed, and sheepish.

“Look, I didn’t think it wise to let up control at this point,” he said.

“Adair, you have never been accused of being wise,” Ishmael sighed. “Just don’t do that again. You don’t need to have control every single second. There is such a thing as mutual co-existence. You really ought to try it sometime.”

“I’m sorry Ishmael,” Adair said penitently. “I won’t do it again.”

“Good,” Ishmael said, seemingly content, and left. The spirits of Kelda and Adair were able to stretch out again.

Kelda wasn’t as sure as Ishmael that Adair would be able to keep to that promise, but she trusted Ishmael in any case, and if Ishmael trusted Adair, she supposed she could learn to trust him too.

“I felt that thought,” Adair snapped at her from within. “There’s really no call for that.”

“Sorry,” Kelda replied, blushing. “I’m not used to my thoughts being so public.”

“I understand,” Adair said. “Just please remember that I’m in here and can hear your every thought.”

Kelda shuddered. She wasn’t sure she liked this arrangement. She hoped it wouldn’t last long.

“It won’t,” Adair reassured her, reading her thoughts once more. “This is a very temporary arrangement. Believe me, this is difficult for me too. The sooner we get out of this, the better.”

Kelda fervently agreed.

“May I use my lips now?” she asked cautiously.

“I suppose,” Adair said grudgingly. “If you must. But make it short.”

Kelda ignored him and took control back. “Aria?” she said hesitantly.

“Hello,” said Aria, smiling. “I see Adair’s finally given up his little power struggle.”

“Yeah,” said Kelda, not sure how to respond. She had never had a power struggle with a spirit for control of her vocal cords before. “Listen, whatever’s going on, I think it’s important, right? I think we should listen to these guys. I think it probably has something to do with what I’ve Heard lately. You know, how I’ve been Listening to people who are already Listened to. This is big, Aria. I think this is the biggest thing we ever have or ever will get involved in.”

Aria nodded. Somehow, Kelda could tell it was Aria and not Ishmael making the action. When Aria had control, everything seemed more natural and fluid. When Ishmael was in control, all her motions seemed oddly jerky and unsure.

“These Listenings, what you Heard…can you remember them clearly?” she asked.

Kelda nodded back. “Yes,” she said. “Every detail. It’s like it only just happened.”

Aria nodded back. The two looked like a pair of bobbleheads, bobbing up and down constantly. “Good,” she said. “I think that’s good. I don’t know why, but I think it will come in handy.”

Adair nudged Kelda from inside. “Can I speak for a second?” he asked.

Kelda shrugged mentally. “I guess,” she said, and moved over for him.

“Thank you,” he replied. “Ishmael!” he said out loud. “Can you hear me? What do we do now?”

Ishmael’s calm voice issued from Aria’s throat. “Let’s all get some rest,” he said. “We have a long journey ahead, and it’s getting on a bit. The explanations took a bit longer than I thought, and I have a feeling they’re still not over yet. I vote everybody to bed!”

“I second that!” said Kelda, not bothering to ask Adair if she could speak.

“That sounds like an excellent idea,” Aria agreed. “Good night all!”

“Good night,” said Ishmael from Aria’s mouth.

“Good night,” said Kelda.

“Are you finished?” Adair asked irritably. “Very well.” He took over again. “Good night everybody.”

So eventually everybody went to bed in preparation. Wherever they were going, whatever they were doing, they all knew it was going to be a long, hard slog.

********************

“It’s a truly excellent plan,” Monty said proudly. “The best plan there ever was! My finest hour! My first glimmerings of genius!”

Zach rolled his eyes. “What’s the plan, Monty?” he asked impatiently.

“I’m getting there!” Monty said indignantly. “I have to build it up a little first! Otherwise nobody would listen to it.”

“Nobody will be listening if you put me to sleep with your ‘building up'” Zach teased, pretending to yawn. “But seriously, get to the point.”

“All right, all right!” Monty said defensively. “Here’s the plan.”

“Cue break,” Zach interrupted, smiling.

“What?” Monty asked, slightly irritated and extremely confused.

“You know, switch to other characters. A cliffie.” Zach explained. Seeing the extremely puzzled expression on Monty’s face, he continued. “A cliffhanger. Like in a book, you stop and move on to some other part of the story. Then the reader, that’s you, keeps reading until they get to the exciting part because they want to find out what happened. But when you switched to another character or group of characters, you found that their story ended in a cliffie too. So when you get to the exciting part of the first character or group of characters’ story, you still have to read on because of the other cliffie. If this keeps going, pretty soon you’ll have read the entire book simply because you want to know what happens to this particular character or group of characters. That’s how it’s supposed to work anyway. At least, I think so. It’s been a long time since I had time to take elective classes like Writing. But you’re not listening to me.”

Indeed, Monty was staring at the wall wearing an expression of utter boredom on his face.

“Right Monty, that’s enough,” Zach said. “Rant over. Come on, let’s hear the brilliant plan!”

Monty still did not move a muscle.

“Har har Monty, fine time to be playing games!” Zach said sarcastically. “Come on, let’s hear it!”

Monty obstinately persisted in his stationary position. Zach peered closely into his face.

“Oh no,” he said softly. A shiver went up his spine and his whole body felt a shiver of coldness. His hands were suddenly clammy and clenched. “NO!” he shouted and began to shake Monty. “Wake up!” he said. Then he came back to his senses. Breathing heavily, he realized the futility of his actions and sat down on the bed to think. Monty was not dead. He had simply been taken into custody and left his body behind. His spirit had been kidnapped. “The kidnapper kidnapped,” Zach said out loud to the blank wall. He laid Monty’s abandoned body carefully on the bed. He sat and thought and stared at the wall for hours and hours and hours. Finally, at around three o’clock in the morning, he shrugged and said to the long-suffering, patient wall, “I guess there’s just nothing I can do. I’ll watch Markayla’s parents and report back to the Lair. I’ll leave Monty where he is and hope nobody rushes in thinking he’s dead. This whole situation is far too complicated. There must be something else going on here, something far too big for me to comprehend. There’s really nothing I can do about it.” He sighed and lay down in the bed that wasn’t currently holding Monty’s empty body, looking like nothing so much as a corpse. He hoped that Monty was safe, wherever he was. With that final thought, he fell asleep.

*************

Out of the four spirits inhabiting the two bodies, Kelda was the only one who had slept fairly recently and was therefore the first to wake up. She nudged Adair to consciousness, figuring that the noisy thoughts in her brain would wake him up eventually anyway.

“Wake up sleepyhead,” she said cheerfully. “Long day ahead!” She wasn’t nearly as chirpy and wide awake as she was pretending to be, but she guessed shrewdly that this was the attitude that would annoy Adair most.

She was absolutely right. Adair woke with a string of curses that rattled her brain. A few of them she had never even heard before. He continued to swear violently for several minutes as he let himself wake up slowly.

“What did you have to do that for?” he asked grumpily after the constant, unbroken stream of swear words had abated.

“Shouldn’t we have a nice, early start?” Kelda asked in a deceptively innocent and questioning tone. “After all, the early bird gets the worm!”

“And he can keep it for all I care,” Adair responded angrily. “I’m in your mind, Kelda. Don’t think I can’t see what you’re up to.

“Up to?” Kelda asked blankly, knowing full well that Adair would see right through it, but also knowing that the knowledge that she was actively trying to annoy him would probably upset him more.

“You desperately need a lesson in manners, young lady,” Adair said importantly. “This is no way to treat a guest.”

“Oh, I would love to learn to be a fine lady,” Kelda said mockingly, “but I can’t find anybody to teach me. Would you, Oh Great Mr. Manners Man?” She was particularly pleased with her amazing, awesome, auspicious alliteration. She felt it added a nice, well educated touch to her barbed insults.

“Why are you doing this Kelda?” Adair asked, now sounding slightly hurt.

“Because I can,” Kelda responded evilly and went to wake up Aria.

Upon entering the room however, she saw somehow the face of Ishmael inside Aria’s. The physical features of the face were the same, but somehow there seemed to be characteristics easily identified with Ishmael present where they had been gone before. The most evident change was her eyes. Aria’s eyes were a lovely sky blue, calm and peaceful. When Ishmael took over, her eyes became darker and deeper, still the essence of tranquility but somehow more educated, more experienced, more sorrowful, more joyful. Her normal eyes, noted among her own people for their deepness, seemed shallow and insignificant. In comparison with Ishmael, she had hardly lived life at all. Right now it was Ishmael’s eyes occupying the space, and they looked kindly and tranquil for the moment.

“Hush,” he said straight to the combined minds of Kelda and Adair. “We have a few hours before we have to leave. Besides, she’s in the middle of a rather significant dream. It could benefit our cause immensely, if it makes any sense. Dreams rarely do, you know. Despite this however, they are extremely powerful and I’d rather not tamper with this one in case it gives us anything else to go on or any additional advantage over the enemy.”

By the dint of intense concentration and a little help from Ishmael and, surprisingly, Adair, she was able to communicate directly to Ishmael’s mind without crossing through Aria’s dream.

“Where exactly are we going?” she asked him. “And what for?”

“Are these questions I am not capable of answering?” Adair asked, sounding irritated. “I know just as much about the whole thing as he does, not to mention the obvious convenience of being in contr-being inside your body,” he amended hastily. “Do you think me so devoid of any adequate importance or wisdom or knowledge that you must take the trouble to go to Ishmael instead?”

“You’re no less informed, if that’s what you mean,” Kelda told him sharply, “but you’re much less intelligent and in addition you’re a pompous weenie.”

“Pompous…pompous…wee-pom…pom…POMPOUS WEENIE?!?!” he sputtered. “Well I like that! Coming from a poor, unwashed stupid little slave!”

Kelda froze. Her people had indeed at one point been enslaved, but that era was long past. Her people and their former owners now lived in harmony, cooperation, and coexistance that appeared perfectly run and absolutely flawless to the casual observer. However, Kelda and all her people (and obviously Adair) knew that relations between the two races were still extremely strained. Kelda felt a stifling choke of rage about to erupt from her throat. True, she had called him a pompous weenie…but the truth was, he was a pompous weenie, and there was no way around it. Still, if it weren’t for his stuck-up, narcissist attitude and his assumptions of obvious superiority over everything and everybody, she might actually be able to tolerate him. He was certainly more interesting a roommate than Ishmael. Ishmael was always so calm, so unemotional. Adair was more passionate and more human in that respect. However, a slur like that was absolutely unacceptable. There was no way he would be tolerable now. Sure, he could live there in her body if he liked, there was really no way around it. Yes, he could read her thoughts and respond straight to her mind, but there was no way around that either. However, she planned to make it absolutely clear that he was unwelcome and unwanted. She would not speak to him directly, he would have to pick her thoughts apart to get messages. She also resolved to spend much more time in full control of her body, especially her lips and digits, such as arms, legs, and fingers. Senses like the eyes, the nose, and the mouth could unfortunately be shared.

Of course, Kelda didn’t stop and think about all this right then and there. These decisions were made later, when her emotions had subsided somewhat and she had some time to think. What she did then, was fill her mind with a fiery, raging, passionate hate and throw it at Adair with all her might. Such might was considerable. Kelda had an incredible strength of mind that nobody quite knew the limits to, not even Kelda herself. Adair recoiled in horror. Such hate was as effective when hurled straight to his mind as a punch in the mouth would be physically. Kelda felt him slump out of consciousness inside her brain.

“I’m sorry,” she said to Ishmael. “That last remark was just too much.”

“I understand,” Ishmael said gently, “but Adair may not. You need to relay this information to him, not to me.”

“I’m not speaking to him,” Kelda said obstinately. “Not until he apologises and makes it up fully to me.’

“And when will that be?” Ishmael asked, sounding amused.

Kelda stamped her foot. “This is NOT a laughing matter!” she shouted out loud. Then she gasped and put a hand on her mouth as she recalled the dreaming Aria.

“It’s all right,” Aria said, sitting up and sensing her panic. “The dream’s over. That was a very odd dream, Ishmael. Why did you put me to sleep like that? And more importantly, how? You didn’t drug me, did you?” She looked hurt at the very idea.

“No,” replied Ishmael, also speaking out loud out of respect for Kelda. “I hypnotized you.”

“Oh. Great,” Aria replied. “What is that, exactly?”

Kelda was confused. Watching a conversation between one person was quite an exhausting challenge, mentally speaking. She kept looking around for the second person, and then remembering that there were none, just spirits sent to take them on a quest of some sort. “What baloney,” she thought, trying to think as quietly as possible so Adair wouldn’t hear and wake up and Ishmael wouldn’t hear and feel offended. “But I need to get out of this place. I swear it’s driving me mad.”

“An excellent idea, Kelda,” Ishmael said in a business-like, matter-of-fact tone. “I would like to be moving along as well. However, Aria needs to eat breakfast and we have to wait for Adair to wake up as well. I’m sorry Kelda, but he is essential to our mission, so please, at least try to be civil to each other? Or at the very least, suspiciously neutral. Just don’t have any more fights like these. That was a low blow by the way. However, it worked and it worked excellently. That’s a useful skill to learn, when to be honorable and when to toss honour out the window and fight dirty. Most of this journey will be fighting dirty, although I doubt we’ll have much to deal with. Just a few skirmishes at most.” He said all this in a lazy, conversational tone that seemed to say “take all the time in the world, we have all day to chit-chat and exchange ideas”.

“You never answered my questions from when we first came in,” Kelda suddenly blurted accusingly. “Where are we going, who are we fighting, who are we fighting for.”

“All in good time,” Ishmael responded carefully and unhelpfully. “When the time comes to know, you’ll know everything.”

“By the time comes, it might be too late,” Aria interjected. She wasn’t exactly sure what kind of quest they were in, but she guessed rightly that it would be extremely dangerous and important.

“Aria!” exclaimed Kelda. “Good morning! I do believe I didn’t say good morning to you until just then!”

Aria laughed. “Good morning to you too Kelda,” she said smiling.

Just then, Kelda lost control of her lips. Angrily, Adair said through them, “What did she do? What did the little brat do to me? Ishmael, she is absolutely intolerable.”

“You were pretty intolerable about her background as well, if I recall the situation aright,” Ishamael said peacefully.

Adair sputtered madly for a moment and then regained his temper just barely enough to spew out, “She owes me an apology! I will not stand for this! She must never do that again!”

“Oh shut up,” Kelda said straight to his mind. “You say anything that rude and inexcusable about my people again and I will do that again. And you can’t stop me. I can make your stay in my body a living hell if you want me too. All you have to do is keep up your insufferable attitude of being so much better than everybody else. Your supposed superiority is a myth. You created this image of yourself in your own mind that directly contradicts the reality. You’re not really that strong, or intelligent, or wise, or powerful. You’re the epitome of mediocrity. But you’d never let anybody know it. Oh no. You’d be very careful not to let that slip. But I know. There’s the rub, isn’t it? I know, and you can’t do anything about it. I know now that I can beat you. No, I can’t beat you- I can totally destroy you. And that knowledge is powerful, wouldn’t you agree? So you’d better do as I say. And the first thing I say is stop being impolite and possibly take notice of the people around you for once in your sad, sorry, and pathetic little life. You need to learn how to Listen. Well, I’m a Listener. I don’t think you could find a better teacher than me, honestly. Start Listening.”

“STAY AWAY FROM MY MIND!!!!!” Adair screamed hysterically. “STAY OUT!”

“Listen, Adair,” Kelda said softly in her most hypnotizing, soothing voice. “Listen to the world. Come out of yourself.”

The day’s stressful events were too much for Adair. “I won’t argue right now,” he said exasperated. “I can’t. But this isn’t over yet. Remember that.”

**********************************

Monty had woken up at the usual time the next morning. He didn’t seem to remember having passed out. This worried Zach slightly, but he shrugged it off, reminding himself that Monty had obviously been sick at the time. Besides, Monty certainly seemed his usual self.

Now he was having some difficulty convincing Zach of the brilliance of his brilliant plan.

“Come on Zach,” he urged his friend. “It’s brilliant!”

“It’s stupid,” Zach said flatly. “I’m not jumping off the roof.”

“But if we do it right, we’ll have saved the Lair! The good ol’ Lair, Zach! Come on!”

“And if we miss?” asked Zach, raising an eyebrow.

Monty’s face went blank. “Um…try not to splatter?” he said tentatively.

Zach shrugged. “There you go. Absolute insanity. I rest my case.”

“Well what else can we do?” Monty asked helplessly.

“Something rather more constructive perhaps? But I’m curious. Do explain how jumping off the roof would solve all our problems,” Zach said, folding his arms.

“Well, the idea was they’d be traveling along and we jump on them and they fall down and…erm…that’s about it really,” Monty said sheepishly.

“I see,” Zach said. He paused and scratched behind his ear thoughtfully. “Well. Not bad. Let’s find a roof,” he said.

Monty looked up, astonished. “You like it? You mean we’re really doing it? We’re actually going to jump off the roof? Are you feeling all right? Does your head hurt or anything? Are you hot? Do you have a fever? What’s the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow? African or European? And how do you feel about that?” he asked excitedly without taking a breath. Having uttered such a long string of random sentences without oxygen, he promptly passed out on the floor.

Zach shook his head. He waited for a couple seconds, then scratched that special place behind his ear again and prodded Monty with his foot.

Monty sat up with a jerk. “TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!” he screamed. Then, seeing the expression on Zach’s face, he laughed. “Just kidding,” he said playfully. “I haven’t really gone insane. Much. But I might if we keep sitting around talking like this. Come on, let’s go find a roof to jump off of!”

Zach threw his hands up in the air. “I don’t know you!” he exclaimed. “We have to wait a while before we go out anyway, I think we’re being watched. I’m going to go watch a movie. You want to come?”

“Nah, I’ll stay here and…well…stay here.” Monty responded, trying to be casual and inconspicuous and failing miserably.

Zach peered anxiously at him. “Are you ok?” he asked, concerned. “I think you just might have cracked. Why on earth would you want to just sit here?”

“Well, I won’t exactly be just sitting here,” Monty said. “Actually, um, the truth is…I’m actually writing a story. There. I said it. Go ahead and laugh.”

Zach chose not to laugh. Not yet, at least. He’d get some more information first. “A story?” he asked curiously. “What on earth for?” Monty had never been a literary type, as far as Zach could remember from their days at school.

“Well, I don’t know really. It’s kind of weird. I’ve never been good at writing, you know that. I’ve always hated it. I can’t imagine why anybody would ever do it voluntarily. Yet here I am, writing a story. For fun, apparently. Personally, I think it’s some powerful being getting revenge on me. Toying with my mind somehow, so I want to write a story. I don’t know. It sounds stupid, doesn’t it?” he asked anxiously.

“It does,” Zach said flatly. “Incredibly stupid. What on earth’s gotten in to you lately?”

“I don’t know,” Monty said miserably. “I just feel like I’m so out of control, like I’m not really making any decisions in life. Like I’m just a pawn, you know? Like life has no meaning.”

“Life has no meaning?” Zach asked incredulously. “Spare me the emoness. Life has plenty of meaning. I, for example, am off to watch an excellent movie and enjoy myself immensely. If that’s not meaningful, what the heck, it’s fun. You should come. Or you can sit here and wallow in self-pity. Go cry in your corner, that sort of thing. It’s up to you.”

Monty smiled. Zach could always get him back on track when he was down. “You’re right,” he said. “I’ll stop. What movie are we watching?”

“Good man,” said Zach, satisfied. “You pick, I don’t care.”

However, as he followed the newly certain Monty over to the T.V., he was less certain than he appeared. No, he was downright worried was what he was. He knew his friend’s suggestion about some other being controlling him was crazy but somehow he couldn’t help but wonder if it was true, and if Monty had been right. This possibility raised all sorts of interesting and slightly disturbing questions. Who would be controlling Monty? And why? Zach wasn’t quite sure why he was even considering this option, but he still couldn’t help but feel there was something bigger involved in all this. Something even more important than the protection of the Lair, if such a thing were a possible idea in the minds of the loyal, dedicated Kidnappers of the Lair. He wondered what sort of thing was happening, and, if his friend Monty was indeed being used somehow, who was using him and why. There were so many questions. He hoped he wasn’t just making this up and being paranoid like he had thought Monty was being at first. He hoped he was right, and if he was, he hoped they would soon get to meet this mysterious figure and find out what was going on. He hoped a lot of things. Zach always had hope, no matter what. It was a quiet, sustaining kind of hope that only really showed itself after everybody else had given in to despair. It was the steady, reasoned kind of optimism that always inspired incredible trust in him to everybody who knew him. It lived through all obstacles and hardships.

He led the way to the T.V. and then suddenly remembered something. He stopped and turned around.

“What about your story?” he asked Monty quizzically. “Didn’t you want to work on that? Or would you still rather watch the movie?”

Monty looked confused. “Story? What story?” he asked, puzzled.

Now it was Zach’s turn to be confused. “The story you said you were writing,” he said.

Monty laughed uproariously. “Story? Me? Are you kidding me? I hate writing. No, I despise it. I despise it with a bitter, burning passion. Haven’t you learned that yet?”

“That’s what I thought,” Zach said carefully, examining him closely, “but then you said you were writing a story.”

“I’m not,” Monty said. “I don’t remember saying that.”

Now Zach was more startled than ever. “You don’t remember it? You don’t remember anything? You said maybe some being was forcing you write a story for revenge or something.”

Suddenly, Monty’s face went completely blank. “Story,” he said. “I have to write my story.”

“So you do remember!” Zach said triumphantly.

“I remember everything,” Monty said, and yet his voice sounded different somehow- older, more serious, more determined. His sudden determination was the oddest thing about this changed Monty. He was so absolutely focused on this one point of writing a story. Zach had always known Monty was determined, but he didn’t remember a single time in their shared childhood where he had been this single minded about anything.

“I have to write my story,” Monty repeated obstinately. “I have to remember, I have to share,”

“All right, all right!” Zach said, now seriously alarmed. “You can go write your story. But first tell me what it’s about and why it’s so important.”

“No time,” Monty said, fixing Zach with a penetrating stare- a stare that Zach couldn’t remember ever seeing before. Monty’s expression changed of course, just like other people’s, but underneath it there had always been an open, playful friendliness. It was gone now. His eyes seemed different too. The pupils had shrunk to pinpoints, and his eyes had become an intense, piercing, wise, old grey instead of their usual dark brown.

“I’ll tell you after the story,” he continued. “There’s no time to waste. I’ve been waiting to tell the story. I have to tell the story. I’ve been waiting billions of years for this.”

Zach’s mind reeled. Billions of years? He realized with a shock that this was not his friend Monty, but whatever spirit was inhabiting his body at the moment. “Who are you?” he asked in a quiet voice.

“I am one who has a story,” the person who was not quite Monty answered. “I am the one who has a story which needs to be told and will be told now.”

Monty crossed the room to the laptop computer that was sitting on the desk and began to type frantically. Now Zach was absolutely certain this was not his friend Monty. Monty could never type that fast to save his life. Zach tried to peer over his shoulder to see what he was typing, but Monty pushed him away.

“Read the story later,” he said. “Go away now. I have to tell the story. The story must be heard. I’ve been waiting to tell the story. It is time. The world is changing. The story must be heard. It must.”

Zach backed away slightly. “Uh…I guess you won’t be watching the movie then?” he asked hesitantly.

The spirit inside Monty just gave him one derisive stare with those ancient grey eyes and turned back to the computer with a snort.

“Right…” said Zach. “I guess that’s a no…” He left the room quickly.

***********************************

Ishmael perked up Aria’s ears. “Adair, listen!” he called out. Adair began to strain Kelda’s ears as hard as he could. “Stop that,” Kelda said, in pain. “It hurts my head. I can hear very well without doing that. Let me.” She took over her own ears and began to listen. The sound was nothing she could remember hearing before. It was one single, pure, sustained note, a trumpet, she guessed from her brief stay in the Listener’s Band. It was a brief stay because she had soon learned that sitting in front of the drums does considerable damage to your ears, a bad thing when you are a Listener and use your ears for everything and anything. No wonder most of the members rarely went into the regular Listener’s line of work. They simply played at ceremonies and parties and practiced a lot. That was the other reason, there was so little time.

She caught her wandering thoughts and focused them back on the note. She could see a face, beautiful beyond worldly measures. It looked old and tired, and was framed by a long, cascading flow of silvery white hair and an equally long and flowing beard of the same colour. There were lines of worry and despair etched deeply into his face, and his eyes, grey and sad, looked off into the distance as if straining to see some long far off goal that had yet to be accomplished. Looking into those eyes, you could tell the old man had seen and suffered much. Yet there was also a note of determination about his features. He was old and tired, true, but he was not ready to give up. He had work to do and he was going to do it. All this flashed by Kelda in an instant. The man’s face was gone in the space of two seconds, but those two seconds seemed oddly stretched out.

“Who was he?” Kelda asked.

“Nobody remembers his name,” Adair replied. Kelda was somewhat surprised. It was usually Ishmael who was helpful in answering questions. “He is simply called Father. He was here before all of us. He is the oldest being in the universe. He remains because he has a quest. After it is fulfilled he will fall back into the sands of time and do whatever it is people do in the sands of time. Make sand castles perhaps.”

“Are there any waters of time?” asked Kelda, laughing. “He could go swimming,”

“All right you two,” Ishmael said, grinning as well but trying to suppress his mirth. “Let’s get back on the subject. If everybody else saw what I saw, which I gather they did, we need to leave quickly. The Father is on the move, and we should be too.”

“I’m still not sure where we’re going,” Aria said. “Are we helping the Father with his quest?”

“Sort of,” said Ishmael. “In a way. Not exactly. It’s kind of hard to explain.”

“I can tell,” Kelda remarked. “Want to try?”

“You’ll see it all when we get there,” Ishmael responded.

“You wouldn’t understand it now anyway,” Adair added.

Kelda bristled. “Oh yeah?” she asked challengingly. “Want to try me? I understand a lot more than you think. For instance, I understand that you’re a little coward! I can feel your fear every time we do something remotely dangerous!”

“Kelda!” exclaimed Ishmael. “Bravery is not stupidity. Bravery is working through your fear. Adair is extremely brave. I don’t ever want to hear you call anybody who fears a coward again.”

Kelda glared at everybody belligerently. Then she sighed and sagged her shoulders. “You’re right,” she said, ashamed. “I’m sorry. But you treat us like children. I do understand more than you think, even if you’ll never believe that and never tell me anything. Don’t ever forget that.”

Adair, who had flared up in rage inside Kelda’s mind at her comment, fell strangely silent. Kelda had half-expected him to try to attack her. She would have much preferred it if he had. This silence was so unusual, and oddly oppressive. She had grown used to having another being in her body. Even when he hadn’t talked, he was always there. Now he seemed to be gone. “Where are you?” she asked. “I’m sorry, I really am”

“I’m in your feet,” came the response. “I’m tired of the nonsense that goes on in your brain. I’m staying right here.”

Kelda didn’t bother trying to talk him back into her brain. She wasn’t that sorry. Yet she did miss arguing with him, in a strange kind of way. While he was inside her brain, they had debated everything from natural rights, to fate versus choice, to the correct way to attack a dragon, to the proper process of spinning wool. She wasn’t sure why, but she had grown accustomed to him. And at least he was a decent debater, unlike some of the Listeners she worked with. However, she put it out of her mind. He was gone. Well, good riddance. About time anyway. Still, she couldn’t suppress that nagging feeling of guilt and a small empty space in her brain.

***************************

Monty was still typing frantically. He seemed fixed there, like he was going to stay until everything was done. He had typed through 8 hours so far without a break. The clacking sound of the keys had not ceased once since he had sat down, but often Zach could hear the distinct sound of their broken delete key. He didn’t seem to need food, sleep, or bathroom breaks. He just typed and typed. Zach wondered if he’d be able to read the story once it was finished, but he didn’t dare ask. The spirit’s single mindedness was incredible.

Zach peeked around the corner again. Microsoft Word was up full screen. Every other application had been turned off- Firefox (his favorite internet browser), AIM, Mail, all distractions were gone. The sound was off as well, and Zach had watched as Monty absolutely destroyed the poor little annoying grammar helper. Sure, he hated it too, who didn’t? But the spirit had pounded viciously on the mouse like he wanted to crush it to pieces. Zach guessed that he was a god of some sort, and he figured gods weren’t fond of people telling them they were wrong. Neither were people, come to think of it, but people couldn’t put a curse on your family for billions of years if you offended them the way gods could. Gods were so much better at the whole punishment thing.

Zach left Monty typing and went into the kitchen. Maybe gods, or at least unidentified spirits, could do without food, but he couldn’t. He opened the fridge and grabbed a bottle of apple cider. He poured himself a glass and put bread in the toaster. He got himself a plate and opened the fridge again, this time grabbing a bag of sliced ham, some Colby Jack cheese, and a large tub of margarine. He put these on the plate and set the plate by the toaster. Then he went into the cupboard. He stood there for a bit, debating whether he should have pretzels or potato chips. The toast popped up just as he decided on pretzels. He grabbed the toast and buttered it, not thickly but evenly and all around. He put on a slice of cheese and two slices of ham, and closed the sandwich. Always neat, he closed all the bags carefully as well as the top of the cider bottle, and put it all back in the fridge. He poured a large pile of pretzels on his plate and closed that bag too, putting it back in the cupboard. Then he took his plate and glass over to the table and began to eat.

Almost as soon as he had finished eating and had placed his dishes carefully in the sink, the man who was not quite Monty walked in and sat down at the table. “I have finished,” he said calmly. “You certainly do use odd spellings these days. Don’t mind the little red lines. You may read the story. You’re going to anyway, I know. I have printed it out and am taking it with me. Print another copy for yourself. Read what it says. Read it most carefully. I do hope you’ll help me.” Then, as suddenly as he had appeared, he vanished. Monty’s eyes turned brown again and the aged lines seemed to disappear completely from his face.

“Do you remember any of that?” Zach asked him, watching him closely.

“Remember what? The movie? No, I must have fallen asleep. Man, it smells good in here. What did you have for lunch? I’m starving.” Monty said in his usual voice.

Zach didn’t bother trying to explain anything to me. “I had a ham sandwich,” he said. “There’s some left in the fridge if you want some.

Monty opened the door and began to rummage through it. “Who cleaned out the fridgerator?” he asked in a shocked voice. “You threw out so much food!”

“It was disgusting,” Zach said, wrinkling his nose. “You weren’t honestly going to eat any of that. It would kill you. Where’d you get it anyway? We haven’t ben here long enough for anything to go bad.”

“Brought it from home,” Monty said. He reemerged from the fridge with sandwich fillings and began to make himself a sandwich. “I didn’t want to eat fast food the whole time I was gone.”

“And I suppose you didn’t think to get an icebox or something in the car, did you?” Zach asked. Monty looked sheepish. “No, I thought not. No wonder it went bad, with all that time in the heat. Didn’t it smell?”

“I thought something smelled funny in there,” Monty said thoughtfully. “I didn’t think about it though, I just opened the windows. I was kind of preoccupied with the job you know. Thinking about how to get in and everything like that.”

“How to get in has never been a problem with you,” Zach said, “it’s when to get in. When you do get back to the job, don’t go rushing in like you usually do. Wait until the right moment.”

“Right, got it,” Monty said. “But we’ve got another job to do right now. Any news of our little friend?”

Zach made a face. “He’s just been sitting in his hotel room. I bugged it of course,”

“Of course,” Monty interjected sarcastically. “Stalker.” Monty preferred straight out spying. It seemed more ethical somehow, if kidnapping was ever ethical at all.

“Oh stop that,” Zach said irritably. “I had to. You weren’t being any help in that little trance of yours.” He bit his lip at the slip.

“It’s not my fault, I had a long day driving,” Monty said defensively. He didn’t seem to notice the “trance” that had escaped his friend’s lips, but Zach knew he had noticed it. Monty hadn’t graduated the Lair top of his class for nothing. Zach left the table silently and went to the computer. There was the document, sitting there innocently on the desktop. He paused, then opened it. He pressed print, and out came about five pages, double-spaced. He brought it over to a couch, sat down, and began to read.

**************************

Kelda, Aria, and the spirits of Adair and Ishmael inside their respective feet and mind were in a spaceship. A rather small and primitive one. There was a pilot and co-pilot seat, and seats for two passengers. There were two bunk bed cots that could be pulled out from the wall, a table that also folded into the wall and a small storeroom in the back for food and supplies. The controls were absurdly simple. There was a chart for showing their location and plotting their course, a green autopilot button right under it, four buttons to turn (each button turned on an additional booster engine on one side, the top right, the top left, the bottom right, and the bottom left), a red pull out lever to brake, the shiny gold ignition button, a landing button for the wheels, and a small black pull out steering wheel and foot pedals to transform the ship into a car.

At the moment it was on autopilot and everybody was seated at the table, eating lunch. Aria had let Ishmael plot the course through her. They were headed for a small planet relatively close by that both the two girls had heard about, but neither had visited. It was newly explored, and not yet authorized by the government for settlement. Reports said that it was mostly large, deep, thick temperate forests with little wildlife, most small mammals like squirrels and a few birds. The only predators that had been seen so far were large predatory birds somewhat like hawks and a large species that nobody could relate to anything else they knew. It was long and thin and had fifteen short legs and eyes on stalks. It had poisonous barbs in its tail that it could shoot as far as five hundred feet. It was the only reason the government hadn’t authorized settlement yet. However, it had been watched and it had been observed that it didn’t attack unless its home, life, or children were threatened.

They ate in silence. Kelda and Aria were still unsure of their mission. They knew little of what they were doing and why they were doing it. Adair was still obstinately hiding in Kelda’s foot. He had refused to participate in any of the few explanations offered by Ishmael, and had ignored everybody, even when Ishmael entered Kelda’s body and joined him at her feet, telling him not to be stupid and stop sulking. He refused to come back up. His pride had been wounded. Ishmael said not to worry.

“He’ll come around,” he said with certainty. “He does this at times. He just has to make sure we all know what a terrible place the world is without his lovely shining self. Just let him be.”

So they had. Now they sat around the table, utterly ignoring him as they ate.

Aria was the first to break the silence. “So you haven’t told us exactly yet, who was the old guy? The Father?”

Ishmael answered slowly, “We told you. He is the oldest person in the universe. He lives as long as his quest does. He is tired of living. We have to help him fulfill his quest.”

“Which is…?” asked Kelda. Ishmael just looked confused. Kelda sighed. “His quest,” she explained. “What is his quest?”

“Oh,” said Ishmael. “Well…”

“Yes?” asked Kelda curiously.

“Um…we don’t know. Not really. Nobody does. We doubt even he remembers it by this time.”

“This is impossible!” Kelda exploded. “I don’t believe you people! We’re trying to help him on a quest that nobody even knows what it is? Where in the Universe did we get that idea? And why on earth should we be able to help?”

“Nothing’s impossible,” Ishmael said calmly. “And there are several reasons we picked you two, but we don’t need to go into that just now.”

“I agree,” said Aria. “We can still help him, Kelda. We’re helping people. Whatever it is he needs, we can try to do it.”

Kelda sighed and sank down in her seat. She gave up. They were absolutely impossible.

“I agree completely” said a small voice in her head.

Kelda sat up sharply. “Adair!” she exclaimed. “You’re back!”

“Yes, but I didn’t forget anything,” he said irritably. “So don’t go thinking I’m not still mad at you.”

“Nice to see you too,” Kelda replied sarcastically. “I’m not apologizing again you know.”

Adair chose to ignore that. He told her so very plainly. “I’m going to choose to ignore that,” he said.

“Go ahead,” Kelda said, rolling her eyes.

“Anyway, the point I was going to make was that just because they’re completely and utterly insane and will probably be the death of us trying to help a crazy old man in a quest that everybody’s forgotten doesn’t mean we shouldn’t help them.”

“Doesn’t it?” asked Kelda.

Adair thought for a minute. “Well,” he said, “actually I guess those are excellent reasons no to help them. But we’re helping them regardless, because we’re insane as well most likely.”

“That makes more sense,” said Kelda. “So now that we’ve established that we’re insane, what are we going to do?”

“Well, we’re going to this planet so we can get out of your bodies and resume natural form, and also get you used to our mode of transportation, clear up a few things about this quest of the old wizard’s, and get you up to speed on the use of magic,” he answered.

“I can’t use magic,” Kelda responded.

“That’s what you think,” Adair said smugly. “Seriously, you haven’t realized that by now? How do you think you’re supporting us? Silly girl.”

Kelda ignored the insult. She didn’t want to send him back down crying to her feet again. However, she made no attempt to hide that derisive thought from him. He had the decency to send her an offended feeling.

“Ok, so we can use magic,” she mused. “Nice to know.” Out loud, she said, “Hey Aria, we can use magic.”

The glare she received from Ishmael was heart stopping. If looks could kill, this one would send him straight to jail for murder.

“Adair!” he snapped. “We agreed not to tell them that yet!”

“Oh, we’re almost there,” he said. “Anyway, she wanted to know.”

“I don’t believe you…” Ishmael said, shaking Aria’s head. “I suppose it doesn’t hurt anything, seeing as we’ll be there in about five minutes anyway. But I don’t ever want to catch you telling her classified information again!”

The rest of the trip was made in silence. Adair sat sullenly, unmoving as he had been when he was in Kelda’s foot. Kelda was equally sulky. She didn’t understand why she had to be kept in the dark like this. She also wondered what the old man’s quest might be and how she could help. She wondered what kind of magic she would be able to use. There were so many different kinds and different levels of power. There were simple conjurors, that could move things and make things appear to vanish and reappear, small party tricks like that. Then there were mages, people who practiced natural magic, magic to do with the elements. There was plants, mostly healing and suchlike, there was air, which had skills with storms and birds, there was water, same as air except in the sea, there was fire, there was talking to animals, shape-shifting, and seeing and any combinations of these. Kelda supposed Listening was in this category, although her skills with that weren’t magic, she knew, but evolution. She would know if her Listening were magical. She was sure it wasn’t just that. There were also wizards in varying degrees of power. They weren’t really limited to specifics like mages were. Some were doddering old fools, mages whose powers had all but left them. Some were immensely powerful, too powerful to even think about safely. Some had only minor powers but incredible intelligence that enabled them to make people think they were more powerful than they were. Basically, wizards were the category you were lumped into when you didn’t fit nicely into one of the other categories. Then of course there were gods, great ones and small ones. Under them were spirits of the sort she expected Ishmael and Adair of being. Both had immense and varying powers. However, gods tended to stay out of human lives as much as necessary to make them believe and worship them. On the contrary, most people never knew of the spirits existence, but the spirits watched, studied, and interfered with people more than anybody else.

She woke up from her thoughts with a start as the computerized autopilot informed them in a cool, neutral woman’s voice that they had arrived at their destination.

“Oh good,” she said out loud, and unfolded the ladder. She walked down warily, sensed that there was no danger, and sat down on a tree stump. They were in a small clearing in the middle of a forest which seemed to stretch all around them for miles. She watched as Aria walked off after her and gasped. She could see a face in Aria, occupying the same space as hers was, but oddly distinct and totally separate. It was a long, almost sad looking face. It looked intelligent and trustworthy. She felt strangely reassured by the face, although she wasn’t sure what she was supposed to be reassured about. In any case, it was a reassuring face. It had huge deep brown eyes and shoulder length dark brown hair, parted around slightly pointed ears. He had extremely pale skin that looked even paler contrasted with his dark eyes and hair. Suddenly, Kelda gasped. The face had separated itself and joined a tall, thin body in long flowing robes.

“What do you think?” Ishmael’s voice issued from the new body. “Should I lose the robes? I think I should. But they’re kind of traditional, aren’t they?”

Kelda opened her mouth to reply and found that Adair had left her body and was now standing next to Ishmael. He had the same length of red hair, but it was tied up in a ponytail. He was even taller than Ishmael, and much broader. He held a sword in his hand and wore full plate armor. He had a crooked nose that looked like it had been broken at least twice. His eyes were a flashing, brilliant blue. His face seemed to have a permanent expression of defiance and eagerness to fight on it.

“I think you both look absolutely ridiculous,” she said, “but somehow, it works. I’d put the sword away though, Adair.”

Adair smiled sheepishly and stuck his sword back in his belt. “Just for effect,” he said.

“Somehow you both look just like I imagined you,” said Aria. “Especially you, Ishmael.”

“Well hello to everybody, now I think we should get down to business,” said Ishmael briskly. “Our business being nosing into other peoples’ business, of course. So let’s start out with yours. Or should we start with ours? Your pick.”

“Let’s start with you, Ishmael,” suggested Aria. “Then we can sort of see what you want to know.”

“Excellent idea,” said Ishmael. “Well, as you may have guessed, I am a demigod, or spirit, or Protector, or any other number of names. My mother was a mortal queen of Nyachia, a small seaside country on the planet Chyion, in a moderately sized solar system in this very galaxy. My father was Pryus, the Nyachian god of the sea. When I was born, my mother grew afraid. There were stories of mortal women trying to raise spirits like myself and being overpowered and driven out of their own countries, titles, and homes. She set me on a small rowboat and threw away the oars. I believe she burned them in sacrifice or something like that. Anyway, she prayed to my father Pryus to accept me and raise me as his own, but of course in Nyachia that was ridiculous. There were far too many of us for the gods to take responsibility. Pryus refused to set such a dangerous example that might end up swamping him and all the other gods with children. He was going to let me drown. However, his daughters, the sea nymphs, took pity on me and pushed the rowboat safely through the sea. My father grew angry at them and threw all sorts of storms and obstacles in their way, but they made it through safely and deposited me down a river far inland, near the house of a smith named Chyarion, in a town called New Tryia, in a country called Chylcar.”

“They were quite fond of the letter y on this planet, weren’t they?” Kelda interrupted.

Ishmael smiled tolerantly. “They were indeed. And now perhaps I can get on with the story?” he asked.

Kelda blushed. “Of course,” she said meekly. “Sorry.”

“No trouble,” Ishmael said dismissively. “Where was I? Oh yes, the smith. Well he raised me from the time I was a baby. Right away, he began to notice things that were unusual about me, and before long I was old enough to recognize my oddities by myself. I was unusually intelligent, unusually perceptive, and unusually strong for my age. You know, the usual spirit generalities. My brain has always my strongest point though, it’s what lets me hold my own against great mindless lumps like this.” He gestured towards Adair, who stuck his tongue out at him.

“Well, pretty soon the local storyteller noticed, and she sent me along to the school. The Chyionian School For Half Gods And Other Magical Beings. They took magicians, wizards, witches, healers, demigods like myself, all sorts of people. Anybody who exhibited the least sign of magic was sent there. The storyteller, an astoundingly ancient woman named Achya, recognized me for what I was and sent me to the school. That was where I realized that my strength wasn’t anything special in comparison to others like myself- but my mind was. I was trained hard at that school, and trained well. I learned how to focus my powers and abilities, and was taught to read and write, extensive math and science, a bit of history (they didn’t bother much with that, because they figured we’d become historical ourselves soon enough), dealing with people, when to interfere and when not to, how to talk to gods, and all sorts of other useful things like that. That’s where I met Adair. We were partnered together quite early on. At first, I hated it. I got used to him eventually though. We were partnered with two others who are gone now. You may call them Xya and Gzhyach. They enjoyed unpronounceable names, they thought it gave them a sense of mystery. They were twins, and almost always mentioned in the same sentence. They were always together, never apart for long. Xya specialized in transportation. She taught us everything we now know and will now teach you about how to move around quickly and efficiently. Gzhyach was our intelligence network. She was the best spy I ever had. She could reach out with her mind for light years around and find everything and anything that might be of use to us, whatever we were doing.”

“Anyway, once we all graduated we were told to seek out jobs for ourselves. Go around, seek evil, fight against it, help people out, stuff like that. We were told not to focus on a specific section of the Universe, but to spread ourselves around. Our most important job was not really fighting by physical contests with the spirits of evil or by magically helping the person in question, it was more about fighting the spirits with their worst enemy and our strongest weapon- hope. Help out one person on a planet, and they all begin to think it could be them next. And then they don’t need us. They’re able to do things they never dreamed they would be able to do, and they assumed it was us doing it. And if we ever came and told them the truth, they would either not believe us or lose their abilities. We allow people to trust, if not in themselves exactly, than in some abstract concept of themselves, namely us.”

“So we went around, doing the usual thing. Good deeds, fight evil, help people, giving out hope and all that good stuff. Then came our first major disaster. We lost Xya and Gzhyach to a particularly clever demon who was setting a plague on a village on an obscure planet in an obscure corner of an obscure solar system. I mean, they hadn’t even made interstellar contact yet! They barely knew the creatures on the planets right next to them! They were even still fighting wars with themselves, of all things. I always ask myself, if they had to go, why couldn’t be somewhere where the story might actually get around and be somewhat influential? But I suppose it doesn’t really matter. It was so long ago, people would have probably forgotten the story by now anyway, no matter where it happened. That’s the one thing about you mortals, you have the worst memory ever. I’ll never forget Zahair’s memory course back at school…”

A snicker arose from both Kelda and Adair. Aria was busily suppressing a smile, trying to be polite.

“Come on guys, you all know that was a terribly lame joke,” Ishmael said. “I’m not even sure why I said it.”

“That was the funny part,” said Adair. “You sounded so serious when you said it. Exactly like a daft old Protector losing his memory, sitting around telling stories of the ‘good ol’ days’ when he was a hero and all the Universe cried out in praise of his name.”

“Never.” Ishmael said flatly. “Remember that Adair? After we’d been listening to Zwy tell all those stories about himself, we swore we’d never become that daft and forgetful when we got old. Besides, we haven’t gotten old yet, now have we?”

“I beg to differ,” Kelda said, raising an eyebrow. “Didn’t I hear billions of years a bit earlier?”

“That’s pretty young for us,” said Adair. “The guy we’re tracking now, he’s at least, oh, what would you say Ishmael? 103 god years?”

“About,” said Ishmael. “Maybe a bit older. Adair and I are both about 28 god years,” he told the two girls by way of explanation. “Remember to explain obscure concepts when you insist on using them with mortals, Adair” he reminded his friend. “Now, should we get on with the story again? Have we established the numerical details to your satisfaction yet?”

“Yes, we’re done,” said Adair. “The suspense is killing me. Get on with the story already.”

“Like you haven’t already heard it seven billion times,” Ishmael retorted, and continued.

“Anyway, as I was saying, we were against a particularly devious demon here. He was posing as a much weaker spirit when we found him. Xya was tricked and became overconfident. She followed a trap to her death. Gzhyach had seen through the plot and tried to follow her, but it was too late. They were both doomed the minute they entered the tunnel with the demon inside. Even the two of them were no match for him when he had all his powers around him. Besides, they were both already exhausted from fighting him for several days and neither had had a chance to rest and replenish their skills. Maddened and strengthened by our grief, Adair and I killed the demon the very next day. Luckily for us, the twin sisters still had enough power in them to wear him down from the fight, or we would be dead right now too. We had lost all sense. We just rushed in without thinking anything through. It was terrible.”

“Fortunately, we overcame the demon, the village rejoiced, and we fled to a cave in the mountains near this planet for ten years, overcome by grief. After these ten years we reemerged, changed men. We had grown in our pain and our suffering. Now we finally began to take our duties seriously. That’s when we decided to take on the biggest job of all. It may cost us our lives. We don’t know. But we’re willing to risk it. We’re willing to risk everything so our friends no longer have to risk themselves.”

A single tear was rolling slowly down Aria’s cheek, but Kelda was irritated. “Now you’re just getting sappy,” she said. “I vote it’s Adair’s turn now.”

Adair grinned. “I’d have to agree,” he said teasingly. “That was some of the most incredibly cheesy stuff I’ve ever seen from you. Including that speech you made at graduation. You want me to take over?”

Ishmael grinned. “Sorry. I used to spend a lot of time before this working with recruits, trying to get them interested in the cause.”

“Is that the same story you told them?” Kelda asked suspiciously. “Is it true? Or are we just more recruits that you have to inspire and brainwash?”

Ishmael shrugged. “It’s a story,” he said. “Whether it’s mine or not, what’s the difference? To tell you the truth, I don’t really remember my own childhood. I do know who my father and mother were, and I do remember the school. But I doubt the story with the rowboat is true. It’s a pretty standard story we feed out to mortals. No doubt Adair will start his the same way.”

“Well, I was going to, but it seems Kelda’s seen through our clever plot,” Adair said ruefully. “I may have to think of something new. I might need some help with that Ishmael.”

“You? Try to make up something new? May all the gods preserve us!” Ishmael cried, half joking, half serious.

“Well, I can try,” Adair said. “Here goes. You finished?”

Ishmael nodded. “That’s all I’ve got,” he said.

“Wait!” Kelda exclaimed. “You’re saying you just lied to us? That’s terrible!”

“I might have. Of course, that may be my true story. Does it really matter? Honestly, my origins aren’t important.”

“Tell me,” Kelda insisted.

“You’re not just a spirit or Protector or whatever to us Ishmael,” Aria said quietly. “You spent several days sharing my mind. I know you. You can’t turn us off with your fake godly mythical stories.”

Ishmael shrugged. “Ok, if you want the boring version,” he said. He took a deep breath.

************************************

Zach sat on the couch and looked over the paper. Five pages. That didn’t seem particularly long for a god with such a desperately important tale to tell. But then, he hadn’t spent much time on the computer either…not for a particularly long story such as Zach was expecting. He flipped the pages over and glanced at their pristine white backs. Somehow, he had expected a better word count from a god. After all, he had been typing pretty fast back there. Of course, Zach was also pretty sure that the god hadn’t been too concerned with getting his word count up. He wasn’t adding in lots and lots of padding, like some people always did. Zach was one of the padders. His reports for the Lair had always been very long, and always featured an extra nine words at the top. “Lair of Evil School- Special Report by Zacheus Lerug.” Monty had always ridiculed him for that. Monty was much more concise with his reports, especially the titles. His were more like “Report Thingy- Monty Gurrell” Zach tried to focus himself back to the present. His mind was wandering. He looked again at the papers in his hands and sighed. He should probably read them or something…he was so tired. He hadn’t slept in two days. Or maybe it was three. Or maybe he had slept, just not much. He honestly didn’t remember. He was extremely tired in any case. He pulled his tired, bagged eyes over to the front. A large title screamed out at him, “Life. Don’t talk to me about life. Life is one thing I’ve had too much of. Help me end my pain. Help me with my quest.”

“Wow,” Zach thought. “Somebody’s feeling dramatic today…” He read on.

My story has a simple beginning. You will not hear it now. My story should have a simple ending. I wish it has a simple ending. That may be up to you to decide. The end of my story is in your hands, more than anybody else’s. There are four Chosen and two Enders. You are one of the Chosen, as is your friend whose body I temporarily inhabited for the sole purpose of getting this message to you. Two people have the beginning of my story. You hold in your hands the middle. The Enders shall decide what happens next. Your task is not easy. Even so, it is relatively simple to describe. You must find those who hold the beginning of my story and put it all together. Then you must find me. Along with me, you must find something infinitely more important than me- my destiny. Pronounced “DESSSSSTINYYYY!!!!” Stretch the S’s and the Y’s. It sounds so much more important and dramatic. Have you ever seen Star Wars? You probably haven’t. It’s a long way away from here. It’s where the phrase “galaxy far, far away” was made famous. I’m not sure if the phrase originated there exactly. Possibly. Possibly not. It doesn’t really matter. The point is, this is a destiny like Star Wars destiny. This is an important destiny. It’s an extremely important destiny. Namely, my destiny. Not that your destiny isn’t important of course. But your destiny is to help me with my destiny. Which means my destiny has to be pronounced that much more dramatically than yours. No offense. Well, now that we’ve got the pronunciation down, let’s get on to the important bits. Not that the pronunciation isn’t important. It’s very important, the pronunciation. I just want to emphasize that. But as for the actual content of my destiny, as I said earlier, in case you’ve forgotten, you have to find the beginning of the story. Then you can read the whole story. When you read the whole story, you should be able to figure out my destiny. Or at least what you have to do to find it. I’ve tried to fulfill my destiny and failed for years and years. It’s time for you to help. Here is the story, minus the beginning, which, as I’ve told you already, you have to find for yourself. If you don’t find it, you might be able to figure it out anyway, but I doubt you’re that intelligent. So you’d better find the beginning of this thing or I’ll smite you with a thunderbolt. If I have any left. I’ve been a bit busy smiting people in the land of Noo who refuse to give me sacrifices. Lots of them. They won’t say that I’m the greatest. I am the greatest! Why won’t they just admit it? Oh, it makes me so mad! Those stupid Nooians! All they keep saying is “You stupid idiots, let me in!” I can’t understand it at all. I think they think it’s some sort of prayer or something, but it makes no sense at all! So I have to smite them frequently. I smite them quite frequently indeed. In fact, I should get off to a bit of smiting now, if you’ll excuse me for a second. “SAY IT! SAY I’M THE GREATEST! NOW!!!” They didn’t say it. Just the same old comment, “You stupid idiots, let me in!” Why on earth would they say that? Let them in where? Where did they get that idea? It was probably some kind of dream or something. They’re always having weird dreams. Anyway. I should really get on with this story, shouldn’t I? Never mind the odd dreams of the Nooians. So. The beginning of the story goes like this. I’m going to type it out, then I’m going to delete it. Once upon a time there was a boy who was the greatest in the world but some people were jealous of his greatness and wanted to be greater than him. Ok, now I deleted that ok? You didn’t see it. Trust me. You didn’t. Right? Right? All of that was deleted. Just pretend. It’ll work. Really. I swear. Anyway, here’s the middle now. That’s your part. You can actually read this part. Got it? Don’t pretend this part’s deleted because you’ll miss important information! Ok, here we go. The mean people took the boy to the planet Zygote in a cave with the coordinates 35 degrees N, 24 degrees S, can’t miss it, big old pile of rock, has a secret door, go up to the one mushroom there, touch it, and say “Lemme in, stupid mushroom”. Then the mean people opened the door and pushed him inside. The weird cave asked him to say that he was the greatest. Now this boy, because he was so great, never told a like in his entire life. He was in a quandary, you see. He couldn’t say he wasn’t the greatest because that would be a real live genuine lie and if you tell real live genuine lives you are not the greatest any more. On the other hand, if he said he was the greatest, he couldn’t fulfill his DESSSSTINYYYY (remember the correct pronunciation! It’s very important!). So he was stuck. The end of the middle. That’s the end of your bit anyway. That’s what the end of the middle means. The ending isn’t written yet I guess. That’s up to you. You haven’t seen the beginning either, because I deleted it, remember? So go find the people who have the beginning. Do this, and you fulfill my DESSSTINYYY (pronounce it right! Be dramatic!). Happy Questing!

Zach blinked. “What an odd person,” he thought. “Hey Monty!” he called out. “Come take a look at this!”

Monty scurried over and peered at the papers. “Let me see,” he said. He took the papers and sat down next to Zach. “Where’d you get these?”

“You typed them out when your body was being inhabited by a god.”

“Say what?” Monty asked, surprised.

“Your body was inhabited by a god. That’s why you didn’t remember anything there for a bit. You typed this story out and left it on the computer. It’s a message for us. Read it.”

Monty read it. Then he read it again. Then he read it once more. Then he burst out laughing.

“Is he joking?” he asked as he handed the paper back to Zach.

“Oddly enough, I don’t think so,” Zach said thoughtfully. “He seemed dead serious when he came here.”

“But that’s ridiculous!” Monty protested. “It has to be a joke. There’s just no way anybody would be that stupid.”

“I don’t know,” Zach said. “There are some pretty stupid people around. Like this one guy I know, he’s a friend of mine. His name’s Monty, and he’s such an idiot, you wouldn’t believe some of the things he comes up with. Jumping off roofs, skipping class to stalk the assistant master, eating…” He broke off with a yelp as Monty attacked him. After a brief friendly scuffle on the floor, they both reemerged feeling more awake and less serious about the paper.

“Thanks a lot,” Monty said, seeming resentful. “Some friend,”

“You’re welcome. You can have more any time you want. I have free insults! I should start a business,” Zach replied.

“So anyway, about the paper,” Monty said. “Joke?”

“Definitely a joke, now that I think about it,” Zach replied. “Somebody’s trying to make us look stupid by making us go to those coordinates for no reason and end up looking complete idiots.”

“Let’s go there and schmack them!” Monty said gleefully.

Zach sighed. “Why not? We’re not getting anything done here. Our target checked out earlier. I forgot to tell you. He left in some messed up super engine starship thing. I don’t know the model or whatever, but we’d never catch up.”

“Great! We’re free! Let’s get them! Mwhahahahaha!” Monty said energetically. He was quite proud of his evil cackle at the end there. He thought it had been quite good.

“Um…nice maniacal laughter, but no,” Zach said. “Be nice. Sort of. A little bit, anyway. You can beat them a bit, but don’t totally destroy them. Besides, I want to ask some questions.”

“Oh fun,” Monty said gleefully, evil smile on his face.

*******************************

Ishmael began. “I was born, don’t remember my parents, was put in the school almost immediately. I was raised there and studied there much like I told you before. And then the rest of it’s true. Well, mostly true anyway. Does that answer your questions?”

“That’s it?” Kelda asked skeptically. “How boring. Protectors should have more exciting lives than that.”

“I told you the other story, didn’t I? But you wanted the truth. It’s your own fault.” Ishmael reminded her.

“I’m not sorry,” Kelda said defiantly. “The truth is always better.”

“Always?” asked Ishmael. “Are you sure?”

Suddenly, Kelda was not so sure as she had been before. “Ye…es?” she said quizzically. “I mean…I think so…Yes, I’m pretty sure it is,” she said decisively.

Ishmael simply smiled. At least Kelda was rethinking something instead of automatically denying it.

“Let’s hear Adair’s story next,” said Kelda.

“Oh no,” said Adair. “We did one, now you do one. You first, Kelda. Let’s hear your story.”

Kelda made a face. “My story’s boring too,” she said. “I was born, I did the job that my species has been doing for thousands of years, just like everybody else my age. And everybody older than me, and everybody younger than me. Everybody. Nothing special happened to me at all until somebody came into my body and took me off to this planet to tell stories. Can I make one up?” she asked eagerly.

“If you like,” said Ishmael. “We’ve got plenty of time.”

“Ok,” said Kelda. “I was born a princess, but I was stolen away as soon as I was born and replaced with a goblin outcast. I went to live in the goblin palace, with the goblins, until a questor came and destroyed it. I was sad, because I had been happy with the goblins, but I got over it. The quester was a Listener, and identified me as one too, and took me away to the wonderful Listening place where I Listened and then somebody tried to steal my mind and took me to a planet to tell stories. The end.”

“That was short,” Aria said.

“I can make it longer if you’d like.” Kelda offered.

“If you want to you can. But you don’t have to, I was just commenting on the length.”

“So I heard,” replied Kelda, “but I think it was your secret, subconscious desire for more that drove you on to make that comment.”

“Could be,” Aria said slowly.

“Then again, it could have been a prayer of thanksgiving,” Adair put in.

Kelda schmacked him semi lightly, but hard enough to show that she had been insulted. “Meanie,” she said, pouting. “Anyway, to get back to my story, there was a goblin named…um…Spot, who was my best goblin friend. One day, Spot decided we should go to a goblin party, but we couldn’t go because it was only for goblins and I wasn’t a goblin. So we dressed me up as a goblin and snuck through, but during the party my goblin costume fell off and the entire room went absolutely insane. It was really funny, they were all screaming, panicking, and helplessly running around in circles yelling “AH! Oh my gosh! Yeesheroonies! Ach! Oh no! Sheesh! Jeez! There’s a person here who’s not a goblin! Our lives have been ruined! RUINED! So has the party! Which is a shame, because it was a really fun party! And those gobliny cupcakes were so good! They had green frosting! Green is my favorite colour! That’s good, because I’m a goblin and I’m all green! Unless I’m colour blind! I might be colour blind! If I were colour blind, I would never know because goblins don’t have any reliable means of testing colour blindness! But I think I’m all green! In fact, I’m almost certain of the fact! In which case, green being my favorite colour makes lots of sense! So those green cupcakes are really, really delicious! I think I’ll sneak back and grab one! Why are we all running around aimlessly? It’s probably a fire or something. Fire? Fire! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! THE CUPCAKES ARE ON FIRE! THE REALLY GOOD ONES WITH THE PRETTY GREEN FROSTING! SAVE THE CUPCAKES! SAVE THE CUPCAKES! SAVE THE CUPCAKES! SAVE THE CUPCAKES! SAVE THE CUPCAKES! SAVE THE CUPCAKES! SAVE THE-”

A hand went over Kelda’s mouth, muffling her repeated screams.

“Enough already,” Adair said. “Don’t repeat things just to hear yourself talk or make your story longer. You don’t have a specific word count to get to or anything you know.”

Kelda batted his hand away and sulked. “That’s all you know,” she said. “Maybe somebody’s watching us and counting our words! Maybe it’s a contest to see who can get the most!”

“In that case, Ishmael won already, because he actually had a story to tell,” Aria said. “You’re just spouting off sheer randomness.”

“Touche,” Kelda said sorrowfully. “Ok, Ishmael, you beat me. I hereby award you with the shiny award of word count shinyness.”

“Thank you,” Ishmael said graciously accepting the invisible shiny trophy. “I feel oh so special. I’d like to thank the Academy,” He began wiping fake tears off his eyes. Then he opened his hands wide and put them over his mouth in mock horror. “Oh no! I dropped it! It was too slippery from the tears! Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.”

“Oh I’m so sorry Ishmael!” Kelda cried, playing along. “I’d get you a new one but I just don’t know where I’d find such incredible shinyness again!”

Ishmael lay down on the ground and began to wail, beating his hands and kicking his feet against the ground. “I want my shiny trophy of shinyness!” he cried. “Bring me back my shiny trophy of shinyness! Keeeellldaaaaa! I want my shiny trophy of shinyness!”

Kelda knelt down next to him and began to pat his shoulder gently. “There there,” she said soothingly. “I’ll get you another shiny trophy. It just might not be as shiny as the shiny trophy of shinyness, that’s all.”

“WAAAAAAAAAAH!!!” was Ishmael’s only answer. “I want my shiny trophy of shinyness! WAAAAAH!!!”

“Ok guys,” Adair said in a bored tone. “This is all hilariously funny, I’m sure, but Ishmael’s whining and crying is really starting to get on my nerves. End of story, yah?”

Kelda poked him. “I’m being randomly obnoxious and annoying. Can you tell? Can you tell? Can you? Can you? Can you?”

“Yes Kelda, we can tell. You’re story’s over. Am I right?” Aria asked wearily.

“You are absolutely correct!” Kelda said emphatically. “And I am degenerating into utter randomness! As are many of the other people around me! Let’s all sing campfire songs and eat lots of s’mores!”

Ishmael looked at her blankly for a second. “S’mores, s’mores,” he muttered and then his eyes lit up suddenly. “Oh yes!” he said triumphantly. “S’mores! It’s a popular Earth treat. They’re quite good. You make them with graham crackers, choklit, and marshmallows. Graham crackers are what they call schnoggles, and choklit is what they call goody goody goodness oh me oh my oh me oh my.” He caught Kelda and Aria’s odd looks and elaborated. “The man who invented them came from a culture where the name is the first thing out of your mouth,” he explained.

“Ah,” said Aria. “Makes sense. That sounds about what I would say too.”

“Anyway,” Ishamel continued. “What you do is you stick the marshmallow on a stick and burn it-”

“You don’t burn it,” Aria interrupted. “You toast it a nice, even golden brown.”

“No you don’t!” Kelda exclaimed. “That’s no fun, and it takes ages. Besides, it tastes less good. Burnt marshmallows are so much better.”

Ishmael cleared his throat. “Anyway,” he said firmly. “As I was saying, you burn the marshmallow-” He caught Aria’s glare and quickly added, “Or toast it a nice, even golden brown if you prefer, then you put it in the schnoggles with the goody goody goodness oh me oh my oh me oh my. Then you eat it.”

“Sounds awful,” Adair said, making a face.

A chorus of three voices instantly broke out, loudly emphasizing the extreme gooey goodness of s’mores.

“No, they’re amazing!” Aria said immediately.

“They’re really good!” Kelda said happily. “Mmmm, gooey.”

“You have to try them sometime!” Ishmael said. “I can’t believe you’ve never had any before!”

“I’ll make you some later if we have the ingredients!” Aria offered excitedly.

“Yum!” shouted Ishmael.

“Make plenty of extras!” was Kelda’s comment.

“Come to think of it, don’t give him any at all. More for us!” said Ishmael teasingly.

“That would ruin the point,” replied Aria.

“What point?” asked Ishmael, confused.

“The point of making s’mores!”

“Since when is there a point to making s’mores?” Ishmael asked.

“We make s’mores because they are utter gooey goodness, that’s why!” Kelda said, pretending to be outraged and horrified by the seeming negligence.

“Yeah, s’mores don’t really have a point aside from that.” Ishmael agreed.

“Yes, but I thought Adair was going to taste them!” Aria said.

“Not any more!” Ishmael exclaimed and laughed.

“I think we should give him some,” Aria said compassionately.

“I own the ingredients and I say to him, back off my s’mores or I KEELL YOU!” Ishmael screamed, making his very best angry face and putting his fists up eagerly in a mock fighting way.

“I’m going to be the one making them, it’s only fair that I get some!” exclaimed Aria.

“Hey! What about me?” Kelda asked indignantly

“I don’t know Kelda, what exactly are you contributing to this effort?” Ishmael asked, looking at her with his head tilted quizzically.

“The idea to make them in the first place,” Kelda said defensively

“Oh yeah,” Aria said thoughtfully.

“Ok, I guess we have to give her some. But we still don’t have to give any to Adair,” conceded Ishmael.

Aria sighed. “We don’t have to, but we’re going to, because we’re nice people,” she said. “Right Ishmael?” She elbowed him hard in the stomach.

“Ow!” he said. “That hurt! Physically and emotionally! I think I’ll go cry in the corner. It wounded me deeply, Aria.”

“Oh, grow up,” Aria said, smiling. “It wasn’t that hard.”

“I beg to differ,” Ishmael exclaimed, pretending to be outraged.

“You do that,” Aria said in a calm, detached voice.

Ishmael looked hurt. “You’re not really listening to me, are you?” he asked.

Aria smiled. “Nope,” she said cheerfully.

“You’re such a terrible person,” he said.

“I know,” she responded. “Where did Kelda and Adair go?” she asked a second later, looking around.

Ishmael concentrated for a second. “Ah,” he said. “They’ve gotten bored and moved on to the lesson already. The reason we brought you here. We’re teaching you how to move into peoples’ bodies like we did with yours. Useful skill, that. Do you want to learn?”

Aria shrugged. “Yes,” she said. “I guess.”

“Excellent,” Ishmael said. “I should probably let Adair teach the practical side. He’s much better at that. I’m here to teach you the ethics and other such complications though. First of all, it is possible for somebody to block you out of their body, or drive you out once you’ve entered. So rule nombre uno is be nice to them or you may find yourself bodiless. And trust me, when you’ve been driven out that way, it takes you quite a while to find your body. Rule nombre dos is that when people ask you politely to leave or to not listen to a particular part of their thoughts, it’s ethically better to obey. It’s practically better as well, because, as I just mentioned, people can and will kick you out if they get mad enough at you.”

“Was that what Kelda did to Adair?” Aria asked.

Ishmael’s face clouded over. “Not exactly…” he said slowly. “I thin she did something else, but I can’t be sure. It’s the same idea though. Anyway, where was I?” he asked, changing the subject.

“Rule nombre dos,” Aria responded, feeling that perhaps now was not the ideal time to press the subject. Ishmael was obviously worried about what Kelda had done, whatever it had been. Aria thought it must have been intensely powerful for it to worry Ishmael so much. Also, she had always know that Kelda had an extreme strength of mind to an extent that she had never seen in anybody else.

“Right,” Ishmael continued. “Rule nombre dos. Obey orders when you’re stuck in somebody else’s body. Rule nombre tres,”

“Why are you counting in Spanish?” Aria asked suddenly, interrupting the no doubt absolutely faskinating rule nombre tres”

“I’m counting in Spanish because I feel like it,” Ishmael responded, glaring at her. “Deal with it. And stop interrupting or I’ll never be able to teach you.”

“Fine,” Aria said. “I’ll stop talking. I won’t say another word again until you’re done with the lecture. I promise I’ll shut up right now and let you finish. I’m just not going to say a word, even if I have a question, I just won’t say anything at all!”

“Aria?” Ishmael asked.

“Yes?”

“Shut up,” he said shortly.

“Shutting up,” she replied obediently.

“Thank you,” he said.

“Now,” Ishmael continued. “I’m going to have you enter my body. Since I’ve already shared space with you, it will be very familiar and much easier than going into somebody you have never met, or even have never shared minds with. All you have to do is think of it as being. The power is entirely within your mind. Imagine me as I was before, in your mind. Imagine your body gone.”

“What happens to my body?” Aria asked hesitantly. “Does it go somewhere in particular, or just anywhere?”

“It goes with you,” answered Ishmael. “Sort of. It’s there, but it’s not. Your body is simply how you imagine it in this case. You remember every detail, whether you know it or not.”

“But I don’t!” exclaimed Aria. “I don’t remember every detail of my body!”

Ishmael sighed. “Not you, your mind. Here.”

She felt him enter and poke around. Suddenly, she saw herself, every detail perfect, as if she were looking in a mirror.

“I did nothing,” he said, reappearing in front of her again. “All I did was trigger your memory. It’s all there. You remember which part of the brain I was fiddling with?” he asked.

“Yes,” Aria said timidly. “I think.”

“Good,” he said, nodding and seeming pleased.

“But I still don’t know how!” Aria said.

Ishmael sighed again. “Your brain remembers,” he said. “You use very little of it you know. You need to expand. You need to think with your entire brain, not just the bit of it you’re used to thinking with. Take your finger and poke the part I poked.”

“Poke inside my brain?” Aria asked, feeling queasy. “How? Am I supposed to like take my head apart or something?”

“No, no, no!” exclaimed Ishmael. “Look. If your body is just a case for your brain- which it is- and your brain forms your body, subconsciously, then if your brain is strong enough you can overcome the obstacle of not having a finger inside your body by simply believing it’s there. You do have a finger in your body, you just imagined it.”

“I did?” asked Aria, mind whirling. This was all so confusing.

“Just pretend you did, ok?” Ishmael asked patiently. “The imagination is a key part of reality.”

“It is?” Aria asked

Ishmael threw his hands up in despair. “Ok, look at it this way,” he said. “I just magically made a finger appear in your brain. Do you see it now?” he asked exasperatedly.

Suddenly the finger appeared. “Oh yeah, I see it now,” Aria said happily. “Ok what do I do with it?”

“Poke your brain,” Ishmael said, pleased at the effect of the new idea. She could get all the imagination stuff later. He was sure she could understand it eventually, but right now her brain was still too stiff and unmoving from years of the idea that she couldn’t do things like make fingers appear inside her body so she could poke her brain and let her see a picture of herself in her mind.

“Where?” she asked him, moving the finger around uncertainly.

“Right…there,” he said, putting a large red dot on the spot. She would have to learn the parts of her brain, he decided, or she wouldn’t be able to do anything without help.

She poked the spot. “Amazing!” she cried. “I see myself!”

“Right,” said Ishmael. “Remember that spot. Can you do that?”

Aria nodded confidently.

“Ok,” Ishmael said. “Now imagine mine. Imagine yourself in it. Can you do that?”

Aria looked uncertain. “I don’t know,” she said hesitantly.

“Try,” Ishmael urged her. “It’s like when I was in you, except it’s just the other way around. It’s much the same feeling though.”

Aria closed her eyes and thought hard. Nothing happened. She opened her eyes. She was still standing, staring at Ishmael. She hadn’t moved.

“You’re not believing in yourself,” he said in an accusatory tone. “You can do this. I know you can, and you need to know you can, otherwise it won’t work.”

This time Aria managed to imagine herself in him, but all that happened was that she flew up in the air and collided with him.

“You’re still holding on to your body,” he said as he helped her up from the ground which she had fallen to after the collision. “Let go of it.”

“I can’t…” Aria said, gasping for breath. “I’m so tired,” she said.

Ishmael nodded sympathetically. “I know,” he said. “It’s hard work. You’ll get used to it though. Go get some rest, and we’ll get it next time, ok?”

*
Aria nodded. “Ok,” she said. “Thank you.” She walked off up the stairs and into the ship. She unfolded the cot and lay down.

Kelda’s probably doing so much better than I am, she thought. She’s good at believing crazy things like that. What in all the galaxies did any of that mean? So confusing… With that last thought, she fell asleep.

************************************

Adair was not as sympathetic, nor did he care for lengthy explanations like Ishmael did.

“Come into me,” he said. “Just like I did with you. It’s the first skill you should learn. It’s really not that hard. Go ahead. Try.”

Kelda didn’t move. “How?” she asked.

Adair rolled his eyes. “Imagine it, silly,” he said irritably.

Kelda imagined. She did the exact same thing Aria had done, but she slammed into Adair with considerably more force. They both fell to the ground.

Adair pushed her off angrily. “Crazy girl!” he yelled. “You can’t take your body with you!”

“Well what am I supposed to do with it?” Kelda asked just as angrily. “You haven’t given me any instruction!”

Adair sighed. “Imagine you, in me, without your body,” he said shortly.

“What happens to it?” Kelda asked. “I’m rather fond of it, you know.”

“It’ll be fine,” Adair said. “It’ll be in your mind. It’s all in your mind, you know.”

“What is?” Kelda asked curiously.

“Everything,” he answered. “Let’s go. Try again.”

Kelda tried again. And again. And again. She couldn’t seem to let go of her body.

“I’m still not sure what happens to it,” she said, frustrated. “I can’t just let it go!”

“You can,” said Adair. “But if it makes you feel any better, you can remember your body perfectly and recreate it any time you want.”

“Can’t,” Kelda said irritably. “Who remembers every detail of their body? What if I get something messed up?”

“You won’t,” he said. “Your memory’s better than you think. Here.”

He rummaged around a bit more than Ishmael had. “I can’t find it. It must be here somewhere,” he mused as he poked around. “Where is it? Ah, here it is.” He found the spot, and poked. Kelda’s body appeared perfectly in her mind. He poked again, and it disappeared.

Kelda decided to try something. If everything was in the mind, as he said, couldn’t she poke herself? She reached her hand inside her body and poked carefully. The image of her body appeared again. She poked once more, and pulled her hand out slowly, fascinated.

“Ew,” said Adair distastefully, shuddering. “You can create another finger for that you know.”

Kelda saw where he was looking and looked down. Her hand was covered in blood and other liquids that she supposed were in her body when she reached in.

“That’s absolutely disgusting,” she said.

“I quite agree,” Adair said. “Go wash it off.”

“Gladly,” Kelda said, shuddering herself and then scurrying off to the spaceship. Aria was in there, asleep. Kelda tiptoed softly to the bathroom, trying not to wake her. She washed and dried her hands carefully, and then paused. Did distance matter? Did she have to see Adair to enter him? Oh man, would he get a shock if she got into him from here! She grinned wickedly. It was obvious he thought she wasn’t going to make it today. Well she’d show him. She nudged the spot in her brain again, without using her hand this time. She wasn’t sure how she nudged it, she just sort of imagined it nudged, and it was. She saw faces running past her, family, friends, enemies, acquaintances, all the faces she had seen over the years whether for years and years or for thirty seconds in a crowded store. She remembered them all. She flipped through them wonderingly. All these people! She had seen them all! She lingered for a while over each face, remembering. Finally, she managed to shake herself away from the trancelike state she had put herself in through her memories, and search for Adair’s face in the hundreds. She found it quickly, almost as if the pictures knew which one she wanted. Then she realized that they did. It was her brain, after all. She focused intently now, imagining herself without her body. She had to get this part right. She’d show him. She sat there, waiting for something to happen, and then she realized with a shock that she was watching herself pensively. How long had she been outside her body? Well it didn’t matter. She put herself in Adair with an extra shock, not enough to seriously hurt him, but enough to announce her presence in a way he would most definitely notice.

He started up suddenly. “Who’s there?” he asked challengingly.

Kelda’s only response was a ringing laughter in his ears.

“Who is it?” he insisted. “Show yourself!”

Kelda lifted her mind out of his and returned it to her body, which was inexplicably now standing right in front of him.

“Kelda!” he shouted angrily. “Never do that again!”

“I win,” she said smugly.

“It’s not a matter of winning or losing!” he said, breathing heavily. “You have to have permission! You can’t just enter people’s minds without them knowing!”

“You did,” Kelda responded simply.

That stopped him. “Yes, but…well…that was different,” he said lamely.

“It wasn’t,” said Kelda stubbornly. “You didn’t announce yourselves or ask permission or anything. Wasn’t that rude of you?” She smirked.

“We couldn’t announce ourselves,” Adair said, irritated. “We couldn’t bring our bodies. You know that. Look, I’m sorry ok? We had no choice. But it’s an ethical principle, you need to ask from now on.”

“Fine,” said Kelda. Then she thought, and added, “But I did it, now didn’t I?”

“I never said you couldn’t,” Adair said, surprised.

“No, but you thought it,” Kelda responded defiantly.

Adair looked confused for a second, then angry, then finally he threw back his head and roared with laughter. “You’re far too clever for your own good,” he said, still laughing. “Go get some rest, I have to stay here and guard my brain a bit better.”

“Don’t bother,” Kelda said. “It’s too boring for me anyway.

Adair’s eyes flashed. He said nothing, but he took his sword out.

Kelda stared at it. It was large and shiny and sharp. It looked like it could slice her in half like butter.

“I think this needs sharpening,” he said calmly. “You’d better go. It might frighten you.”

Kelda stuck her chin out. “I’m not afraid,” she said, but she did leave, and not dramatically and slowly as she had planned. She refused to run though. She wasn’t scared.

**********************************

Monty hovered excitedly as Zach plotted the coordinates. “So where are we going?” he asked eagerly.

Zach pointed at the computer. “See for yourself,” he said.

Monty grinned. “Perfect!” he said gleefully.

“What?” Zach asked quizzically.

“That’s the same place as my job,” Monty explained. “Now I can do both things at once. Oh happy day.”

“Very nice,” Zach said. “It’ll take us a while to get there though. Why don’t we go find something to amuse ourselves with?”

“Good idea,” said Monty, leading the way to the storage space in which they kept the games. He opened it up and a boy fell out.

The boy was small and scrawny, with greasy, jet black hair that fell over his face. He glared at them from the floor, where he was currently lying.

“Hey look, a stowaway,” Zach commented calmly.

“Ah, there’s something to amuse us,” Monty said. “What’s your name?”

The boy spat at them. “jay zero zero are space four space en zero zero bee! Jay zero zero are space five aitch one pee one five space seven three aitch space five you ex ex zero are zee!”

Monty and Zach glanced at each other.

“What did you say?” they asked at the same time.

The boy brandished his bony fist at them. “en zero zero bee zee! one space four em space seven three aitch space pee double yew en four gee three! Jay zero zero are space en zero tee! En zero zero bee zee! En zero zero bee zee! one three four are en space seven zero space eight three space one three three seven, space five double yew ex ex zero are zee!”

“What did he say?” asked Monty. “one three three seven?”

The boy sighed. “Leet,” he said in the normal language. “I’m speaking leet. And you noobs can’t understand it, because you’re losers.”

Zach and Monty looked at each other again. Zach raised an eyebrow.

“What is leet?” Monty asked. “A language, I presume? Your native?”

The boy rolled his eyes. “Go to wiki, losers,” he said and grabbed an apple out of a bowl on the table. He crunched it hungrily. He finished it in minutes, and grabbed another one.

“Wiki?” Monty asked.

“I know this,” Zach said. “It’s an earth thing. Wikipedia. Can we get an earth style computer on our ship’s computer?”

“Yes,” said Monty. He sat down and pressed some buttons. “Do you want the internet?” he asked. Zach nodded.

Monty got up and let Zach in. He peered interestedly at the screen as Zach typed in carefully http://www.wikipedia.org and clicked on English.

“The Free Encyclopedia,” he read. “Interesting.”

“One three three seven,” Zach muttered ignoring him, and he typed in the numbers into the search box.

“A variant spelling of the word ‘leet'” he said. “That’s it.” He clicked on it and words filled the screen.

“Leet (1337) is a sociolect variety used primarily on the Internet, particularly in online games. The term itself is derived from the word Elite, meaning “better than the rest,” and generally has the same meaning when referring to the hacking skills of another person.

Leet can be defined as the perturbation or modification of written text. For example, the term leet itself is often written l33t, or 1337, and many other variations. Such perturbations are frequently referred to as “Leetspeak.” In addition to modification of standard language, new colloquialisms have been added to the parlance. It is also important to note that Leet itself is not solely based upon one language or character set. Greek, Russian, Chinese, and other languages have been subjected to the Leet variety. As such, while it may be referred to as a “cipher,” a “dialect,” or a “language,” Leet does not fit squarely into any of these categories. This article primarily concerns the English language variant of Leet. Calling someone or something leet may be considered a compliment, although it is not uncommon to find it used in an ironic, derogatory manner.” Monty read over his shoulder. “Whew! Look at the table of contents!”

Zach scrolled down so he could see them all.

Contents [hide]

0. 1 Origins of Leet

0. 2 Sociological considerations

0. 2.1 Practical uses

0. 3 Numbers

0. 4 The Leet cipher and syntax

0. 4.1 Common transliterations

0. 4.2 Word endings

0. 4.2.1 Use of xor and zor

0. 4.2.2 Use of the -age suffix

0. 4.2.3 Words ending in -ed

0. 4.2.4 Use of the -& suffix

0. 4.3 Grammar

0. 4.3.1 Rhyming and rhythm

0. 4.3.2 Over-exclamation and other emphasis

0. 4.4 Vocabulary

0. 4.4.1 Kekeke

0. 4.4.2 Pr0n

0. 4.4.3 Pwn

0. 4.4.4 n00b

0. 4.4.5 Sk’wnd

0. 4.4.6 Suxxor or suxorz

0. 4.4.7 LOL

0. 5 Example sentences in Leet

0. 6 See also

0. 6.1 Related

0. 6.2 Similar and related dialects

0. 6.3 Terminology

0. 6.4 Leet in the Internet Social Corpus

0. 7 References

0. 7.1 Vocabulary

0. 7.2 Syntax and structure

0. 7.3 Evolution, current state, and spread

0. 8 External links

0. 8.1 Leet guides and instruction

0. 8.2 Translation tools

0. 8.3 Examples

“Wow,” Monty said. “That’s a lot. Where do they get all the information?”

“People write it,” Zach explained. “Just for fun.”

“Just for fun? What kind of crazy people are they?” Monty asked.

“seven aitch three why space four are three space seven three aitch space aitch four ex ex zero are zee! Dee zero en apostrophe seven space dee one five five space double yew one kay one!” the boy said, outraged.

“Hey, hey, English please,” Monty said.

The boy sulked. “What I said, as anybody could understand if thy weren’t a loser like you, is that the people who write wiki articles are the haxxorz and you shouldn’t diss them.”

“I said English!” Monty cried despairingly. “You earth people are so weird! I assume you are from earth?”

The boy looked at him scornfully. “Of course,” he said as if that were obvious. “Aren’t you?”

Monty glanced over at Zach cautiously.

“Not exactly,” Zach said. “But we are familiar with it,”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” the boy asked. His eyes widened. “You’re aliens!”

Monty sighed. “Sort of,” he said. “I guess. From your point of view, yes, we are aliens, meaning we’re not from earth. However, as you may have noticed, we are not green and there is a noticeable absence of antennas and tentacles.”

“So you’re not aliens,” the boy said dismissively.

Monty just rolled his eyes.

“Hey do you have any more apples?” the boy asked. “I’m still hungry.”

Monty looked at the bowl. It was full of five apple cores, eaten down to the last edible scrap. He sighed again. “I guess you can have some more food,” he said. The boy was definitely too skinny. “Come on. What’s your name?” he asked as he led the boy over to the kitchen area.

“Marvin,” the boy answered, grabbing a box of crackers and stuffing them in his mouth.

“When did you last eat?” Monty asked, impressed by his stuffing skills.

The boy looked at him and rolled his eyes. “Two seconds ago,” he said. “DUH!”

“Oh…ok,” Monty answered slowly. He backed away and went back to Zach in the control room.

Zach didn’t turn around as he entered, but he exclaimed. “This is fascinating! Look at this!”

Monty looked. It was another wikipedia article. He read it. It was extremely long.

Star

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

“Hmm, good start,” he muttered to himself. He read on.

A star is a massive, compact body of plasma in outer space held together by its own gravity and sufficiently massive to sustain nuclear fusion in a very dense and hot core. This fusion of atomic nuclei generates energy that is continuously radiated from the outer layers of the star during much of its life span, which counteracts the gravitational force keeping the star from collapsing upon itself.

Astronomers can determine many of a star’s properties by observing its spectrum, luminosity and motion through space. Stars differ in total mass, chemical composition, and age. The total mass of a star is the principal determinant in its evolution and eventual fate. Other characteristics of a star that are determined by its evolutionary history include the diameter, rotation, movement and temperature. A plot of the temperature of many stars against their luminosities, known as a Hertzsprung- Russell diagram (H-R diagram), allows the current age and evolutionary state of a particular star to be determined.

A star begins as a collapsing cloud of material that is composed primarily of hydrogen along with some helium and heavier trace elements. Once the stellar core is sufficiently dense, some of the hydrogen is steadily converted into helium through the process of nuclear fusion. The remainder of the star’s interior carries energy away from the core through a combination of radiation and convective processes. This energy generates a stellar wind at the surface and is radiated out to space.

Once the hydrogen fuel at the core is exhausted, a star of at least 0.4 times the mass of the Sun expands to become a red giant, fusing heavier elements at the core, or in shells around the core. It then evolves into a degenerate form, recycling a portion of the matter into the interstellar environment where it will form a new generation of stars with a higher proportion of heavy elements.

Monty gave up on the rest. It went on for ages and ages. “Wow,” he said. “Very thorough. That’s more about stars right there than I ever wanted to know. And I didn’t even read the whole thing!”

“I know,” agreed Zach. “Crazy, isn’t it? But that’s earth people for you. They always have to be doing something. Might as well be writing extremely long articles about stars.”

“Yeah,” Monty agreed. “Poor humans. If they really have nothing better to do, then I pity them.”

Marvin came back into the room. “So aliens, where are you going?” he asked.

Zach and Monty looked at each other yet again. “Well…” Zach began, but Monty shook his head.

“Hey, I saw that!” Marvin exclaimed, pointing a peanut butter stained finger at Monty. “Where are we going?”

“Nowhere,” Monty said shortly. “You don’t need to know.”

“Why not?” the boy asked irritably.

“Because I said so,” Monty replied firmly. “Besides, who said you’d recognize the planet, little Earthling?”

The boy scowled at the title “Little Earthling” but had to concede the point.

“Oh, you don’t like the name much, little earthling?” Monty asked teasingly. “Well, get used to it.”

“I have a name, you know,” the boy said, glaring out from under his greasy hair.

“Ah yes. Marvin.” Zach said absently.

“Don’t mind Zach, little earthling, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Does he now?”

Zach shrugged. “Call him what you will. I think little earthling is too long a name. But whatever fuels your skipper.”

Monty smiled. “So, little earthling, you have a nickname. Now how about we add some little earthling background? What’s your story?

The boy looked pleased to be asked about himself. He took a deep breath and began.

“My name is Marvin,” he started out, glaring pointedly at Monty. “I come from the planet Earth. I come in peace. Some losers parked their spaceship in a science fair. I thought it was a model, so I climbed in and went to sleep. Pretty soon I woke up, and it was these top-secret scientists off to a mission on the moon! But I convinced them that I wasn’t a stowaway, but an indispensable part of the mission. I impressed them with my technological knowledge and pretty soon I was running the ship. It was a very well run ship if I do say so myself. Everybody did their jobs well while serving under me. But I got bored with that so I left my second in command in charge even though everybody knew I was much better than she was. I doubt she lasted a week, honestly. They’re probably begging for me back over there, but they won’t get me. It was boring. I hitched a ride with some other aliens who took me to their home planet. They thought I was a god. So they made me king of their capital city and showered me with gifts. I was a fair and wise ruler, and made many just decisions, and they all loved me. I had to leave them too though, after an assassination attempt by the country’s second strongest and second most important man (after me, of course). I decided it was time to go and bid the aliens farewell. They were heartbroken to see me leave, just as my crew was, but unlike the crew, they would resort to any measures to have me stay on. They locked me up and tied me down and wouldn’t let me leave on pain of death. However, I was much smarter and trickier than they were, and I was able to escape. Next I decided to visit a nearby planet, where there was a sport that I immediately grew very fond of. I soon became the star athlete on the planet, but by this time fame was beginning to wear thin. I was excellent at the game of course. Nobody could beat me at it. My team won the international championships four years in a row while I was with them. But I left them too, because everybody wanted my autograph and wanted a picture of me and stuff. I was just getting too famous and too well loved. I remembered the last time I was so well loved and decided it was time to leave. So I left. Next I hitched another ride and became chief technician on the ship. We got to our destination safely, and everybody commented on the brilliance of my techniques. I found them a shortcut that cut off several million light years of travel. Then I left at the next planet-”

“Good grief,” Zach muttered. “At this rate next he’ll be telling us he’s a rock star.”

Monty chuckled. “Let the little earthling have his fun,” he said, looking amused. “His stories are quite entertaining, after all.

Marvin did not seem to have heard them. He simply went on.

“So when I got to the next planet,” he continued, “I found that they were just discovering my favorite type of music. My favorite type of music is rock. I think rock is the best music ever. So anyway, I found a guitar somewhere that somebody lent to me

“Spare us,” Zach muttered, raising his eyes.

Monty was laughing again. “Lent, my helmet,” he said. “If that guitar wasn’t stolen then I’m a baby chizdee”

Zach looked at him sideways. “Maybe you are a baby chizdee,” he said. “You’re certainly ugly enough to be one.”

Monty hit him lightly upside the head. “Shut up, monkey face,” he said teasingly. “Let’s get back to the story.”

Marvin was still rambling on, oblivious to their side conversations.

“I was the biggest star the planet had ever seen. I rocked their houses. The people loved me. I played the best songs ever. I wrote them myself, too. People were always offering to write my songs for me, but I refused, even when they offered them free gratis, that means without money or free of charge,” here the boy swelled with pride at his vocabulary skills, “because I was integrital…integrated…full of integrity,” he finshed, flustered. “Even when people offered me money to take their music, I only took some of it at first because I was that full of integrity. I played the loudest, rockingest, most amazing songs you ever heard. People loved me because I was modest too.”

“Modest,” Zach snickered. “This child really is starting to amuse me.”

“We could tell you were modest as soon as you fell out of the cupboard, little earthling,” Monty said, trying to suppress his laughter. “Carry on,”

“Well, after that I left again, because it was just like being a famous athlete, except even worse because there were even more people on this planet who wanted my autograph and stuff and some of them kept trying to take my clothes off and I had a hundred pretty girlfriends and five hundred pretty wives, because they were polligimusties or something like that-”

“Polygamists, little earthling,” Zach interceded. “They had multiple wives.”

“I knew what it meant,” Marvin said, irritated. “Anyway, I had lots of them and they were all getting annoying because I couldn’t kiss them all fast enough plus all of them wanted to be in pictures of me and there wasn’t enough room so the cameramen had to stand way far away so that you couldn’t even tell who was who except for me because I wore shiny suits all the time that sparkled with shinyness. But that didn’t really matter because it was me in my shiny suit that everybody wanted to see all the time because I was the best and everybody loved me. So I left and I ended up here with you. All I can do now is wait for you to discover my brilliance.”

Zach applauded. “Bravo!” he said.

“Good show, good show!” cheered Monty, adding his own applause and the occasional whoop.

The boy grinned slowly at the enthusiasm, and walked back off to the kitchen to reward himself with more food.

“We’ve got ourselves a nice little liar here, don’t we?” Zach whispered to Monty, conscientiously, glancing around to make sure Marvin had really left.

“He may be useful,” Monty muttered back. “We’ll have to teach him a thing or two about it first though.

Zach stared. “Are you serious? I was being sarcastic!” he said. “That was the worst lie I’ve ever heard!”

Monty shrugged. “I’ve heard worse,” he said. “It really wasn’t bad, it just went a bit overboard, that’s all. Not an uncommon failing in beginners.”

Zach shrugged his own shrug back at Monty’s shrug. “It’s your business,” he said. “I’ll help if you need me, but first of all I doubt you will and second of all I think you’ll give up after a week or two so what’s the point? But you do what you want, when you know what you want.” There was no stopping Monty once he had figured out what he wanted. Zach had learned that from long experience.

“Yes,” Monty said confidently “I do.”

Zach envied him. Monty always knew what to do. Sure, sometimes he did the wrong thing and messed up, but at least he could decide on something, unlike Zach. Zach cursed his indecision for the billionth time. Ah well, at least he had Monty around to make the needed decisions. He was grateful for that much.

**********************************************

Adair met Ishmael back in front of the spaceship. “She can do it,” he said, adding a few choice words that made Ishmael bind his mouth shut lest the girls overhear him.

“She got into you, eh?” he said smiling knowingly.

“Without permission!” Adair raged. “She just walked straight in! All my guards fell down! All those walls! I knew she was powerful, but this…”

“Couldn’t you tell when she sent that shock to your brain? Cripes, I could feel it from all the way over! I wouldn’t be surprised if it went around the entire planet.”

Adair nodded, scowling, and then paused. “Did you just say…Cripes?” he asked, grimacing.

Ishmael nodded sheepishly. “Erm…yes,” he said. “I thought it was a quite nice word actually.”

Adair turned away in disgust. “I’m going to get some food,” he said.

“We’re all out,” Ishmael informed him.

“How’s the meat here, anybody researched it?” he asked

“We have old records from some exploration team a long time ago. Trust them if you will. They’re inside.”

Adair nodded and walked in through the door. He found the papers, shuffled them around until he had identified several edible mammals within the forest, grabbed a blow gun from the rack of weapons over his bed, and set out with a wave to Ishmael, still standing outside the spaceship.

Aria followed him out the door. “Hello,” she said timidly to Ishmael, who smiled.

“Ready to try again?” he asked.

“Yes,” she said confidently. “Kelda explained it to me. She said it’s not hard at all.”

“That’s the spirit,” said Ishmael encouragingly. “Oh when you see Kelda again, tell her I want to see her. But not right now,” he added hastily as he saw Aria turning to go back throught the door to get Kelda. “Right now we’re going to finish with you. Do you want another explanation to add to Kelda’s and my previous one? Or do you think you’ve got it?”

“I think I’ve got it,” she said, and Ishmael felt a small presence tugging on his brain. He lowered his guards completely and suddenly Aria was there with him.

“Very good!” he said, impressed. “First try this time!”

Aria smiled. She returned to her own body and danced around in exultation. “I’ll go get Kelda now,” she said happily. “Is that ok?”

“That’s fine,” Ishmael said. “Good job.”

“Thanks,” she smiled and ran inside the ship.

In a short time, Kelda came out and was standing in front of Ishmael.

“Sit down,” he said, motioning towards a couple of nearby tree stumps. They both sat.

“So Kelda, you can get into peoples’ minds even when they are as heavily guarded as Adair, is that right?” Ishmael asked.

“He was guarded?” Kelda asked, surprised.

“Of course,” Ishmael replied. “He’s powerful enough to protect himself. But not, it seems, from you. So you didn’t even notice these guards of his?”

“No,” Kelda said slowly. “I didn’t notice anything.”

“There was no struggle? There were no warning bells going off in your head? Your sense of discretion didn’t kick in at all? Ishmael persevered.

Kelda shook her head. “Nothing,” she said. Then she added, “Is that bad?”

“Well, there are pros and cons,” Ishmael said. “It can be good, and it can be bad. On one hand, it shows that you’re powerful enough to hack powerful minds without struggling, although between you and me, Adair’s mind is not really the strongest you’ll see. Strong willed, yes, strong minded, no. That’s the real difference between you, I think. That’s probably why you didn’t fit as well as we’d hoped. For one, we didn’t think you’d be nearly so rebellious, and for another, we didn’t count on him being so much smarter than you.”

Kelda smirked. Ishmael noticed.

“Don’t think you’re the strongest mind around either, because you’re not,” he warned. “There are people much older, wiser, stronger, and better trained than you are and you’ll just have to deal with that. I think that’s something Adair never could come to terms with. But we’re not here to psychoanalyze Adair’s personal problems.” He fixed his eyes on Kelda warningly. “We’re here to make sure you know your place.”

Abashed, Kelda lowered her eyes, but soon looked back up. There was a hard glint in her eye. “I can train,” she said. “I can become stronger than they are.”

“Maybe you can, maybe you can’t,” Ishmael said neutrally. Personally, he believed she was the strongest mind he had met for quite some millennium, but he wasn’t about to tell her that. He had inadvertently flattered her ego quite enough today. It wasn’t good. It put bad ideas into her head. Now he had to go through and try to erase those ideas. He sighed.

“Just do your best,” he said, “but don’t overstep the boundaries. First of all, everybody, small minded or large, weak or strong, gets the same respect. The rules of thumb are as follows- don’t take advantage of people, don’t enter into people’s minds unwillingly-” here he looked more sternly at her, and a rebellious flame flared up in her eyes briefly but soon receded as she realized her mistake- “that’s a serious breach of etiquette and should be avoided unless absolutely necessary. Also, be kind and generous to all you meet, and above all, as you should already know, you need to listen to people- what they have to say might be more valuable than what they might think. Use your judgment and discretion to keep everybody happy. Powerful beings are often targeted as scapegoats, as the cause of all the peoples’ problems, especially if they are seen overexerting their power and showing off. It always helps to be on peoples’ good sides. Have you got all that?”

Kelda nodded. She was properly ashamed now. She realized that all her training and education depended on Adair and Ishmael. She couldn’t afford to alienate them, no pun intended. She was also easily able to see the wisdom of Ishmael’s words. She was still young enough not to have experienced much of the outside world. Listeners led very solitary lives, and so far in her life, Aria and her mother had been the only people she had actually talked to often and closely with.

“That will be all for now then,” Ishmael said, looking pleased. “You got the message well, I gather. Go find Aria and inform her that we are leaving as soon as Adair returns. He went out to restock us on food. Don’t worry,” he said, seeing her alarmed look. “He checked the records to see what was safe to eat. Trust us.”

Kelda nodded. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I shouldn’t have doubted you.”

“I said to be trusting,” Ishmael said smiling. “I didn’t say to be stupid. Nobody would be offended at that kind of question, except some people that you just can’t deal with anyway. Remember, some people will be offended no matter what you say. Don’t bother too much with them. Life goes on.”

“Right,” Kelda said smiling. “Thanks.” She went back into the spaceship.

****************************************

Somewhere in the ship, a bell went off. “We’re here,” Zach announced.

Monty looked up from teaching Marvin the finer points of lying. At first, the lesson hadn’t started out well. Marvin had not been open to the idea.

“One apostrophe em space en zero seven space four space ell one four are!” he exclaimed hotly.

Monty had a piece of paper and a pencil all ready. He quickly wrote the letters and numbers as Marvin spouted them off.

“I’m not a liar,” he read slowly.

“Seven aitch four seven apostrophe five space double yew aitch four seven space one space five four one dee, space en zero zero bee!”

Monty didn’t even try. “Look little earthling, if you’re going to be our liar, you’re going to have to learn to do it right. Right now, anybody could see through a lie of yours. You have plenty of room to improve,” he said patiently.

“One space pee double yew en space why zero yew space four seven space one why eye en gee!” he said. “Four en dee space jay zero zero are space em zero seven aitch three are,” he added as an afterthought.

Monty banged his head on the desk. “Please, at least speak some galactically recognized language!” he said pleadingly. “I beg you!”

“Fine,” Marvin said sulkily. “I guess I can make exceptions for noobs like you.”

“Thank you,” Monty said gratefully. “Now little earthling, the first rule is to keep a lie simple. You don’t want to forget what it is halfway through. You did remarkably well on that category, in comparison, seeing how much you messed up the others. However, I did notice that you had been on alien planets, when, in fact, you didn’t believe aliens existed.”

“No! They weren’t aliens! They were humans! I got it mixed up! I wasn’t lying!” Marvin said frantically.

Monty rolled his eyes. “We can knock that off now,” he said. “We both know, you and I, little earthling, that your story was a complete and utter whopper. Now, are you going to learn how to be convincing, or not?”

That shut Marvin up. “Keep it simple,” he said grudgingly. “What else?”

Monty smiled. At last, he was being responsive. “Very good, little earthling,” he said. “The second rule, which you broke abominably in almost all of the story, is to keep it believable. Looking at your scrawny little earthling self, I can’t honestly believe that you were a rock star, a famous athlete, a king/ god, or a chief technician.”

“So you believe I was a Capt?” Marvin asked hopefully.

“Oh yes, forgot that one,” Monty said, slapping himself on the forehead. “Yes, who would believe that experienced technicians and spacemen would take orders from a little nut like you? Besides, you’re obviously too young to have done all of that. If you had chosen one, I may have been able to bring myself to believe it, although not without considerable effort. But to have done all of them? No. It could be done, possibly. Nothing is really impossible. However, it is extremely improbable. Remember, little earthling, it’s wise to keep lies to things you have at least some amount of experience with. For example, if you were to say you were a captain, you would have to be prepared to prove it by showing navigational skills and wisdom and justice in delegating orders and jobs. If you were to say you were a king, you would have to know something of diplomacy and trade, and possibly war, although you could make the excuse that you were a peaceful, neutral, pacifist country. If you were a technician, you should obviously have a lot of background, especially if you are going to claim that you were chief. If you want to make yourself an athlete, first of all you should be strong enough to let people believe it. You might have to show your endurance, thorough knowledge of the game you play, and strength. If you don’t know the rules of a particular game inside and out, I would recommend you invent one rather than trying to get along only half knowing the rules. It’s quite easy to blunder that way. However, if you make up a game you have to be extremely careful that you, again, keep it simple. Don’t contradict rules you have already made, and make up as few rules as possible. So, little earthling, you should have some background on each profession that you’re likely to use to get out of a situation, or into one if you prefer spying which I will say is a very noble profession and one I would support wholeheartedly if you chose to undertake it. Some of my closest friends back at the Lair were in the Spy Division.”

“What about the rock star one?” Marvin asked. “I can actually play guitar, you know.”

“Can you write music?” asked Monty, interested.

“Well…no,” admitted Marvin. “Not well.”

“And there, little earthling, is my point. You could have easily pretended to be a poor, homeless musician with little skill, making a meager living playing in bars. Or you could have been an imitator, if you were particularly good at playing some other group’s songs, you could play that and be known as a good player, but not creative. Always keep just the slightest bit outside your limits. Of course you’ll have to pretend to be better than you are at times. Obviously even a good deal of guitar practice will not make you as experienced as a professional musician who has much more time to practice, what with not having to learn a good handful of other occupations in case those need to be of use. That’s a risk we just have to take. However, don’t stray too far above yourself, or there could be serious consequences. You hear me, little earthling?”

Marvin nodded, his eyes fixed on Monty’s. He was fascinated, and entranced by this new world he was learning about, a world which would fit so well with his talents, and a world so different from anything else he had ever known.

“There is one thing I found quite believable,” Monty said, remembering his story. “The spaceship that parked in the science exhibit. Was that part true, or did you make that up?”

“Well,” said Marvin, slightly embarrassed, “it was true. I really didn’t know it was a real spaceship.”

“I figured,” Monty said. “Don’t worry, slivers of truth like that make the whole story much more believable. Even Zach believed you at that first part. It just couldn’t quite make up for the rest of it, that’s all. I’m sure you’ll get much better as you progress.”

This was the point that Zach interrupted them with news of their arrival. Both Marvin and Monty looked up. Monty jumped to his feet. Marvin followed suit. Zach thought it was highly amusing to see Marvin try to copy Monty’s expressions and ways of doing things. Monty had never had a protégé before, he had never acted as a role model, and thus he had never had much of a reason to act particularly responsibly. This would be good for him. He led the two out towards Zygote, and unfolded the story again.

“Ok, let’s look through this once again,” he said, his tongue held lightly between his teeth. “35 degrees North, 25 degrees South. Password is ‘Lemme in, stupid mushroom'” He looked up questionably at Monty and Marvin. “Odd password, isn’t it?”

Monty shrugged. “It’s practical,” he said. “It makes sense.”

Zach shrugged too. “I guess. Ok, the cave should be just a little ways over here.” He folded up the instructions and stuck them deep in one of his many pockets on the inside of his coat. “Follow me. Carefully, we don’t know much about this planet.” The three set off, carefully treading around mushrooms and giving all the animals they saw a wide berth, whether harmless looking or not.

“Be careful,” Monty warned Marvin. “Everything isn’t always as it seems. Don’t antagonize anything,”

“I won’t,” Marvin said, rolling his eyes. “five seven zero zero pee one dee space en zero zero bee space five yew ex ex zero are,” he muttered under his breath.

After about ten minutes, they reached the cave. It was small and relatively normal looking. It was a solid grey rock, it had a domed roof, just like most caves, and there was a large stone rolled over the entrance.

“Why do I get the feeling this was all carefully constructed?” Monty muttered suspiciously.

“Because it is,” Zach said, and pointed to the base of the cave. There was a small inscription in the rock that said “Build- A- Cave MADE IN CHINA”

“Where’s China again?” Monty asked, thinking hard, trying to remember.

“On earth,” Marvin said before Zach could explain.

Monty looked surprised. “Did my little earthling just voluntarily offer information?” he asked teasingly. “Thank you,”

Marvin kept his eyes on the ground and refused to look at them. “It wasn’t anything,” he said. “Any noob knows that.”

“Ah, had to spoil it, didn’t you little earthling? I think I’ll just ignore that last comment,” Monty said chidingly.

“All right,” Zach said, taking a deep breath. “Now the question before us is, now that we know it’s fake, is it a trap? Do we dare risk it? How do we know what’s in there?”

“Oh for heaven’s sake,” Monty said, eyes rolling madly. “We don’t, Zach. How many times does this have to happen?” He leaned over across him and pressed the mushroom, saying clearly as he did, “Lemme in, stupid mushroom.”

The stone rolled slowly away from the cave. All three tried to peer into the darkness. Zach shivered.

“Creepy,” he said. “Come on, we might as well go in before something comes out and eats us.”

Monty grinned. “Might as well. Good old Zach.”

The two stepped inside. Marvin stood outside for a second, gulping nervously.

“Come on, little earthling,” Monty called from inside.

Marvin took a deep breath. Monty sounded ok anyway. He wiped his sweaty hands on his jeans and took a step in. He stood there at the entrance for a second, letting his eyes adjust to the darkness.

Once he could see, he made out a perfectly aligned formation of stalagmites and stalactites. They were all hanging in perfect order. It was beautiful, and at the same time, slightly creepy.

He started to walk forward again, and soon caught up with Monty and Zach.

“What’s the difference?” he asked curiously.

“Between what, little earthling?” Zach asked absently.

Marvin scowled. Zach wasn’t allowed to call him that.

“My name is Marvin,” he said pointedly, “and I was wondering what the difference is between a stalagmite and a stalactite.”

“I think a stalagmite is sticking up and a stalactite is hanging down.” Monty said.

“Really? I always thought it was the other way around,” Zach said. “With stalactites sticking up and stalagmites hanging down.”

“Could be,” Monty said. “That never was my best subject.”

“What subject was it again?” Zach asked absentmindedly as he pushed away some carefully placed vines.

“I have no idea,” Monty said. “Can’t remember. That’s how bad at it I was.”

“I’m with you on that one,” Zach agreed. “I can’t remember it either. Well, it’s not the most useful in practical life, is it?”

“That it certainly isn’t,” Monty agreed.

“STOP!” a voice boomed out, stopping all three in their tracks.

“Who’s there?” Monty called cautiously.

“Oh no,” breathed Zach softly. “How on earth did they get a sphinx in here?”

“A sphinx?” Monty pinched Zach carefully.

“Ouch!” Zach yelped. “What was that for?”

“Just making sure you hadn’t fallen asleep and were dreaming it,” Monty said. “Where’s the sphinx?”

“Right up ahead,” said Zach pointing.

“I’M HERE!” the voice boomed out again. Marvin shrank behind Monty.

Monty sighed. “Ok, riddle please. And don’t take all day with the drama.”

“Are you kidding?” Marvin exclaimed. “If you get it wrong, the sphinx will tear you to pieces! We’ll all die!”

“Relax kid, we didn’t go through a whole semester of riddles for nothing,” Zach said dismissively. “Sphinxes always recycle old riddles. They’re too stupid to think up anything new.”

Monty smiled reassuringly. “We’ve got it covered little earthling,” he said. “Now quit hiding behind me, it won’t hurt you unless we get it wrong.”

Marvin wasn’t very reassured by these comments, but he came out anyway, quivering.

“HEY! I HEARD THAT!” the sphinx shrieked, sounding absolutely outraged. “JUST TO SPITE YOU, I THINK I’LL COME UP WITH A NEW RIDDLE!”

“Go ahead,” Monty said. “Try.”

“Um…erm…well,” the sphinx said, forgetting to boom. “Well, I…I…I…I honestly can’t think of anything.” It said in a small voice.

“What’s that? Didn’t hear!” Monty said cheerfully.

“I CAN’T THINK OF ANYTHING!” the sphinx screamed, annoyed. “THERE, HAPPY?”

“Very,” Zach said, satisfied. “Give us your dry, dusty, overused riddle then and we’ll answer it and be on our way.

“WAIT!” the sphinx said triumphantly. “I’VE GOT IT!”

A dramatic pause ensued.

“Well?” Monty asked impatiently after a few minutes of awkward silence. “What is the riddle?”

“WHAT,” the sphinx boomed, smirking as much as a voice can, “IS THE DIFFERENCE…BETWEEN…”

Another dramatic pause ensued.

“Could you hurry it up please?” Zach asked, glancing at his watch.

The sphinx stared at him in cold silence. “I CHOOSE MY OWN SPEED,” it said, and started over.

“WHAT…IS THE DIFFERENCE…”

Yet another dramatic pause ensued. This was really getting ridiculous. Monty and Zach kept silent however, knowing that if they kept talking it would just irritate the sphinx even more and make it start over, resulting in even more dramatic pauses, which they really could not handle right now.

“BETWEEN,” the sphinx continued slowly, enjoying their impatience and rush.

“A STALAGMITE AND A STALACTITE!” it finished finally, and sat back looking very pleased with itself.

“No fair!” Marvin cried, temerity forgotten. “You cheated!”

“You can’t tell me you’ve never cheated at anything in all your life,” Monty said. “Whether you’ve gotten away with it or not is another matter entirely. In this case, the sphinx gets away with it because it has large sharp claws that can rip us to shreds and we are in an isolated galaxy on an isolated end of said rather unfashionable galaxy, on an isolated planet in same rather unpopulated and avoided galaxy, in a particularly isolated continent of said isolated planet, the only sapient beings being about five thousand miles away from here, in an isolated cave of this extremely isolated continent.”

“Wow,” Zach said. “We’re pretty darn isolated.”

“Yep, that’s how I see it,” Monty said cheerfully. “So here’s the question-we walk away, forget the thing entirely, go finish your job, live a nice happy life…or we guess and likely as not get torn up by the sphinx.”

“Well,” Zach said, biting his lip thoughtfully, “I guess we have a fifty fifty chance, which isn’t too bad I guess so if we could figure out the answer we should take the sphinx, but then if we leave we live a happy life, which is always nice…but if we leave the guy might track us down and get us anyway, but then if we stay we don’t even have much of a chance to run away. Of course, there’s also the factor of could we take on a sphinx? Possibly? If so, should we attack now, as a surprise, or should we try to guess the riddle first and see if we get it right? Because then we might not have to attack at all…I suppose we also wouldn’t have to attack if we just left now, but do sphinxes ever follow people? No, I guess they don’t. But still, there will be some other fearsome creature for us to deal with I guess, probably something even more powerful and motivated than a sphinx-”

Marvin’s jaw dropped. “I don’t believe this…” he said.

“Zach’s never been the best at decisions,” Monty explained. “Don’t underestimate him though, he’s great in action once a decision has indeed been reached.”

“Oh,” Marvin said. “So what are we going to do?”

“We’ll probably end up asking the old guy for help,” Monty said. “I’m sure he’s around here somewhere.”

“YOU WOULD BE RIGHT!” a voice boomed out.

Monty facepalmed himself and sighed. “Not another one,” he said. “These booming voices are really starting to get on my nerves.”

“THIS ONE IS EXTREMELY HELPFUL!” shouted the voice. “THIS ONE IS, AND I QUOTE, THE OLD GUY!”

“Heh…sorry about that,” Monty said. “I’d tell you you look great for your age if you’d let us see you.”

A short, hunched man with a long white beard that fell down past his feet came out from behind a wall. He took a few impressive steps forward and promptly fell flat on his face. All three rushed to his side ignoring the sphinx, who coughed gently to remind them of its presence. They ignored it.

“Are you all right?” asked Zach, bending over the old man, looking concerned.”

“I’m fine, I’m fine! Back off!” the man yelled irritably, and waved them off. “Shoo! Let me up!”

They backed away as he pushed himself slowly to his feet. He coughed, rearranged his beard, and turned to face them.

“Ahem…tripped on my beard,” he said, looking embarrassed. “It happens all the time, I’m afraid. I always make it just a trifle too long. Anyway, you need help with the riddle, do you?” he asked.

“It’s not even a real riddle” Marvin complained.

“Hrmph. Well, let’s hear it. Sphinx!”

The sphinx had been quietly coughing away, slowly getting louder and louder. By the time the old man called, it was hacking furiously as if it had a hairball in its throat. It nearly choked when it heard itself called.

“Hghlah…hrah…huuh. Yes!” It called after clearing its throat.

“Tell me the riddle!” the old man commanded imperiously, drawing his old grey robe around him dramatically.

“Right! Yes! The riddle! Well…” it paused, and pawed the ground. “Um…” It bent its head down to Zach’s level and whispered. “What was it again?”

“The stalagmites and stalactites,” Zach answered helpfully without thinking.

“Zach!” yelled Monty and Marvin at the same time.

The old man just smiled. “Ah yes. The stalagmites and the stalactites. I have the answer, sphinx.”

The sphinx’s head drooped. “Aw, come on,” it said. “I haven’t eaten in AGES!”

The old man shook his head sorrowfully. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I must tell them the answer. They must get through. It is their destiny.”

Zach noticed with a start that the man pronounced destiny quite dramatically, stretching the s out long and extending the y on the end. Where had he heard the word spoken in such a way before? He peered at the old man intently. “Hey!” he said suddenly, out loud. “The note! You wrote the note! You’re the man that sent us here!”

The old man smiled. “Precisely,” he said. “Mwahahahaha,” he added for good measure.

Monty raised an eyebrow. “Nice evil laugh,” he said slowly.

“Thanks!” the old man replied brightly. “I’ve been practicing for quite some time now.”

Marvin squeezed in and brandished his little fist at the old man. “en zero zero bee!” he cried, outraged. “en zero zero bee! Jay zero zero are space seven three aitch space five yew ex ex zero are zee! Five seven four why space four double yew four why space eff are zero em space em why space eff are one three en dee five! Jay zero zero space aitch yew are seven space seven aitch three em space four en dee space why zero yew space dee one three space five yew ex ex zero are zee! One space four em space seven three aitch space aitch four ex ex zero are zee space four en dee space one space five four why space GEE ZERO space FOUR DOUBLE YEW FOUR WHY!”

The old man looked down and smiled. “Well look here what we have,” he said. “You’ve found yourself a little leet punk.” He bent down and whispered to the boy, “why zero yew apostrophe are three space en zero space one three three seven space pee yew en kay space four are three space why zero yew? Why zero yew space four are three space jay yew five seven space four space ell one seven seven one three space double yew four en en four bee three space five yew ex ex zero are.” He stood up and added. “Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time-a”

Marvin nodded, with an incredible look of respect and awe upon his face. He backed away.

“Now, where were we?” the man asked pleasantly. “Ah yes. We were figuring out the riddle. Hmm. Tough one.”

“Well let’s sit down and think about it then,” Zach said. They all sat in a circle.

“Zach is not deciding anything,” Monty said quickly. “He is not going to even try. Are we agreed?”

“Agreed,” chorused Marvin and the old man. Zach looked slightly annoyed.

“I’m not that bad, you know!” he said hotly. “I’m improving a lot!”

“Right,” Monty said, rolling his eyes. “Have you figured out which course to take yet?

“Of course I’ve figured out which course to take!” Zach said defensively. After a slight pause, he added quietly and ashamedly, “I just don’t know what time, that’s all”

Monty slapped himself on the forehead again. “Well, we can get into that later,” he said. “Look, we’ve got stalactites and we’ve got stalagmites. I knew this once…”

“I knew a trick for it,” Marvin interjected. “Except I can’t remember it…”

Zach had a sudden brilliant idea. “Try it in your little language thingy,” he said. “Maybe you remember it better that way”

Marvin closed his eyes and said out loud, “Seven three aitch space start parenthesis space five seven four en dee five space eff zero are space start parenthesis three one ell one en gee, space one zero five three are.”

“The C stands for ceiling, loser,” the old man murmured.

“C for ceiling,” Monty said. “That would be the C in stalactite.”

“So the stalactites are on the ceiling,” Zach said. “They’d be hanging down then.”

“Right,” said Monty. “And the stalagmites would be on the floor, going up.”

“G for ground,” Marvin said, remembering.

“Exactly,” chorused Monty, Zach, and the old man.

“Well then, we’ve got it,” the old man said. Everybody stood up. Monty was the one who approached the sphinx, by the unspoken consent of everybody present.

“O Great and Noble Sphinx!” he said, bowing his head. He figured if he was going to ruin the poor creature’s self esteem, he might as well deliver his message in the proper old fashioned style, with much praising and reverencing to puff up the poor sphinx.

The sphinx raised its mighty head. “Lo, I am here,” it said. “What do you wish of me?”

“O Great One, O Wonderment of the World, O Mighty Thinker of the Universe,” Monty began, cramming as many titles in as he could. “We believe, Glorious Sphinx, that we have found the answer to your most puzzling riddle.”

“That is impossible,” the sphinx said flatly, forgetting to act noble and old fashioned. It regained its composure though, and said haughtily, “Thou hast not guessed my Riddle, for it is a riddle of the ages. Many greater minds than you have tried at this mighty feat. None have succeeded. Thou art doomed to fail. Wilt thou turn back now and save thyselves from a most gruesome fate at my hands? Or wilt though press on, disregarding all thought of personal safety, and dare to match wits against the greatest mind in the Universe?”

“O Sphinx, O Master of Logic, O Strongest and Bravest of all creatures,” Monty said, desperately inventing new and flattering titles. “Thou art indeed the greatest mind the Universe has ever seen. Thine riddle is nigh unsolvable. Yet we believe that we have an answer. Might we pit our humble and wretched minds pitifully against the great one that your most august and reverend head holds?”

“Actually, I’ll let you in on a secret,” the sphinx said confidentially, dropping the high and mighty act for a second. “My brain is actually held in my hind areas. The head was constructed last, but it was sealed up before they remembered the brain, and nobody wanted a big ugly scar across my face, least of all me. So they opened up my rump and stuck it in there instead. Then they were able to just paint over it. If you look closely though, you can still see it. See?” The sphinx turned laboriously around to present its hind quarters. There was indeed a large, ugly welt there, from where the stone had been split open and glued back together.

“It is most beautiful, as is the rest of your noble self,” Monty said reverently, taken aback but recovering himself quickly. The sphinx turned back around and smirked.

“It is nice, isn’t it?” it said. “I’ve always gotten good compliments from it. It’s pretty lucky the constructors were smart enough to put it back there instead of putting that big ugly thing over my beautiful face.” It pulled out a hand mirror and examined its face critically. “Still, it’s not the best face in the Universe I suppose,” it said, sighing. “It’s worn quite thin over the years, and of course staying in this damp, dark, gloomy cave doesn’t help matters.”

“Quite,” Monty agreed, trying his hardest to keep a straight face. Behind him, the old man was doubled over, wheezing with laughter. Zach was not able to resist a slight smile, but other than that was keeping perfectly calm, cool, and collected. Marvin’s face had broken into a wide grin when the conversation had started, but, following the example set by Monty and Zach, he soon tried to suppress it, not quite succeeding but not failing completely either.

“Anyway, you were going to tell me something?” the sphinx asked, getting bored with the conversation. It examined a nail critically.

“Yes indeed, O Sphinx of Wondrous Beauty and Wisdom not exceeded by any beast known to the Universe,” Monty said quickly. “Thou art most wise, as thou must know, having been told, I’m sure, multiple times by the many travelers who attempt to pass through this way, and thou hast devised for us a most clever riddle, and one that makes me doubt exceedingly that many of those multiple and varied travelers ever made it far past this point. However, we do believe we have an answer, and would like to try it out on you.”

“You sure?” the sphinx asked. “After all, I’m the smartest thing around, right?”

“You are indeed smart and knowledgeable and wise and great and powerful and all that stuff,” Monty said hastily. “However, we would like you to listen to our answer.

“Shoot,” it said, sounding increasingly bored.

Monty took a deep breath. “A stalactite,” he said confidently, “grows up from the floor, whereas a stalagmite comes down from the ceiling.”

“Fool!” the old man shouted desperately. “Foooool!”

************************************************************

Kelda found Aria just waking up when she entered the spaceship. “Hey,” she said. “We’re leaving as soon as Adair gets back. He’s off getting food.”

“Is it…safe?” Aria asked questioningly.

“That’s what I thought at first too,” Kelda said smiling. “Ishmael said it’s ok, and I guess we have to trust these guys or we can’t trust anybody. I mean, we’ve trusted them this far, bit late to go back now.”

“Very true,” Aria agreed. “All right, where are we going?”

“Some planet called Zygote,” Kelda answered.

“Zygote?” Aria asked. “Odd name. Why are we going there again?”

Kelda shrugged. “Who knows,” she said. “Some mission or something. They need our help somehow.”

Aria looked puzzled.

“Something troubling you?” Kelda asked.

“Well…” Aria said slowly. “It’s just that…why would they need us? What help can we be to them?”

“That,” Kelda said, sighing, “is an excellent question and one I don’t really want to think about. Obviously there’s something rather important we have to do, and something that will take all the power that we apparently have, or they wouldn’t be teaching us all this stuff. We can ask when Adair and Ishmael get back I guess. Where is Ishmael anyway? He was just outside. I thought he was coming in with me.”

“He’s meditating,” Aria said promptly.

Kelda stared at her. “How do you know?” she asked.

“He told me,” she said. “He’s been listening.”

“That’s terribly rude, you know,” Kelda accused the air around her. She knew now that Ishmael, or at least the part of him that listened to conversations, was here somewhere.

“I had to make sure you told her everything,” a voice said. “Besides, your conversations fascinate me. I haven’t been around any other types of sapient beings besides Adair for quite a long time. Several hundred years, in fact.”

Aria’s nose wrinkled. “How did you deal with him for that long?” she asked wonderingly. “Didn’t he get on your nerves? He gets on mine, and I’ve only known him for a few days!”

Ishmael laughed. “Of course he did,” he said. “But we’re partners. We’re used to each other. We’ve been stuck together for an extremely long time. You get used to him, I guess.”

“He’s not that bad,” Kelda agreed. Aria looked surprised.

“I thought you hated him,” she said, making it sound more like a question than a statement.

“Oh I do,” Kelda assured her. “He’s just not that bad, that’s all. There have been people I hated far worse. See, Adair’s not mean or narrow minded or petty. He doesn’t cheat or lie or steal. Yes, he gets on my nerves a lot, but honestly, I’ve learned to ignore half of what he says. It’s like Ishmael said. You get used to him.”

“Kelda, I’m proud of you,” Ishmael said simply. “You’ve seen in a few days what it took me five hundred years to recognize.”

Just then, Adair entered the room. “Hello all,” he said. “I got some more food.” He held up several strange creatures that looked like mammals. They were quite furry, and very fat.

Five eyebrows were raised at him. Ishmael seemed to be the only one who could raise one eyebrow.

“Hey,” he said, looking around. “I seem to be the only one here who can raise one eyebrow.”

“Sad,” Adair said, shaking his head.

“Hey,” Kelda said. “It’s not my fault!”

“Here, I’ll teach you guys” Ishmael offered.

“I’ll go put these in the freezer,” Adair said, gesturing towards the meat.”

“Ok, have fun with that,” Ishmael said.

Aria shuddered. “I think I’ll spend the rest of the trip living off pretzels and macaroni and cheese,” she said timidly.

“Oh, it’s fine,” Ishmael reassured her. “It’s very good. Tastes a bit like pork, actually.”

“You get all the feathers off it, right?” asked Aria.

“Of course,” said Ishmael smiling.

“How did he kill them?” she asked.

“With a blow gun,” Kelda said. “I saw him leaving with it.”

“Quite painless,” Ishmael assured her. “Now, the eyebrows. What you do, is you narrow both eyebrows down like this.” He demonstrated. “Ok, now you try it. Go ahead.

Both girls narrowed their eyes and brought their eyebrows down as he had shown them.

“Excellent,” he said. “Now just lift one up.” He raised one of his own.

The girls both struggled for several minutes. “I’ve got it!” Kelda exclaimed at last.

“Me too!” said Aria exultantly. They stood there raising one eyebrow each at each other for several minutes. Ishmael grinned, and began to flip back and forth between eyebrows and moving them up and down in a wave.

“That’s incredible!” Aria said. “How do you do that?”

“It takes a lot of practice,” he said. “But then I’ve had a lot of time. Just keep working at it.”

“I can wiggle my ears,” Kelda said rather randomly. She demonstrated.

“I don’t think you can learn that,” Aria said. “I think that’s a genetic thing,”

“Maybe,” Ishmael said. “But you could probably figure out how to rearrange your genes so you could get that.”

Aria stared at him. “That’s impossible!” she said.

“Nothing’s impossible,” he reminded her gently. “It would take a lot of time though, and I doubt with your lifespan you would be able to figure out how to do it. Your body is an immensely complicated thing you know. I speak from long experience. It took me ages to figure it out. And it took even longer to figure out how to flare my nostrils. That’s so much harder than wiggling your ears.”

“And a lot harder than raising one eyebrow,” Kelda said, happy in her newfound skill.

“Indeed,” Ishmael agreed. “Well, this has been a highly instructive time but I should probably go plot the coordinates. We must be out of orbit by now.”

“Can I come?” Kelda asked, ready to learn something else.

Ishmael shrugged. “I don’t see why not,” he said. “Just don’t touch anything. Aria, do you want to come too?”

“Sure,” she agreed. “Why not?”

“Why not indeed,” Ishmael said to himself. “Anyway, let’s go.” He led the way out to the control room.

On the way, Kelda had a sudden question. “Ishmael,” she said eagerly, “do you know everything?”

“Not everything, but certainly a lot,” he replied, looking at her quizzically. “Why?” he asked.

“Well, do you know the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite?” she asked.

“Certainly,” Ishmael replied. “It’s quite easy. Why?”

Kelda looked troubled. “I have no idea,” she said. “The question just popped into my head.”

Ishmael looked equally troubled. “Odd,” he said.

“Wait, I guess I don’t need to know any more,” Kelda said in an odd voice. “Why not? What just happened? Ishmael, do you know?”

“I have an idea,” he said. “I think somebody was searching. I think you’re starting to get the idea.”

“Idea of what?” asked Kelda.

“The idea of being a Protector,” he said calmly.

Kelda stopped in her tracks. “What?” she screeched. “Me? A Protector? Are you crazy?”

“Possibly,” Ishmael said without stopping or even slowing down at all. Kelda scurried to catch up with him.

“It’s ok,” Aria said. “I kind of had an idea this was what we would have to do eventually”

“An idea? Why didn’t you tell me? If you had even the slightest suspicioun…” Kelda began but was interrupted.

“I didn’t tell you because I knew you would react like this,” Aria said very quickly as if she wanted to get it over with. “I wanted you to come to terms with it on your own, I thought you might stand more of a chance of accepting it then. And I wanted you to accept it because you’re my best friend and I know this is what I have to do and I want to do it and I want you to do it with me.”

Kelda sighed. “And what exactly do we do?” she asked.

“You protect,” Ishmael said simply. “When people call for help, there are too many of them for even the thousand known gods that exist to help them all. Except for a few who can do everything at once, but they tend to stick to the people that believe in them. They all do, really. They’re kind of elitists. Your job is just to help out. That’s why we’re sometimes called demigods. You get the idea?”

“I guess,” Kelda said. A life of selfless service wasn’t quite what she had had in mind. “Do we have to be good all the time?” she asked.

“You don’t have to be good at all,” Ishmael said. “You don’t have to help them. That’s one requirement for the job, you can’t feel like you have to help everybody, because you can’t. And asking for things in return is quite acceptable, although rather frowned upon by some of the older and stuffier among us.” He grinned at her. “It’s not a bad job, actually,” he said. “I mean, there’s the occasional getting stuck in a cave or a magic lamp or whatnot and sometimes people go around demanding things from you, but mostly it’s rather enjoyable. You get some interesting challenges. Not to mention most people are eternally grateful, which can come in handy.”

Kelda was silent. She had initial doubts, but she couldn’t help starting to like Ishmael’s description. It sounded interesting at least. She decided to keep it in mind. Besides, Aria was doing it so she certainly wouldn’t be alone. “I’ll think about it,” she said.

*******************************************************

“Oops,” Monty said, realizing his mistake.

“Oops won’t help us now,” the old man said. “Wait! I have an idea!” He approached the sphinx and bowed reverently.

“O Wondrous Sphinx,” he said humbly, “My friend has indeed a sad story to tell. For he has a peculiar form of dyslexia, and thus sometimes says things backwards. Will you forgive him his deficiency, and accept our true answer to the riddle?”

“Eh? What?” the sphinx said, peering at him carefully. “Oh, you. I must have fallen asleep. What was your answer again?”

The old man was quite taken aback. “Guess I won’t need that after all,” he muttered, and, in response to the sphinx, said out loud, “Stalagmites come from the ground, O Clever One, and stalactites fall from the ceiling. Truly, thou art a great master to devise such a cunning riddle.”

The sphinx shrugged. “I try,” it said. “Guess you were too good for me. I’m supposed to do the howl of rage now, aren’t I?”

“I believe that’s the standard response, yes,” the old man said.

The sphinx sighed happily. “Oh good,” it said. “I’m looking forward to this. Do you have any idea how long it’s been since I’ve been able to do a proper howl of rage? The last people to get by me were about five hundred years ago and I had a sore throat at the time, so I couldn’t even howl properly! And before that, nobody had gotten past for a good thousand years, at the very least. So this will be an exciting thing for me.”

“I’m sure it will be brilliant,” the old man said.

“I’m not sure,” the sphinx said, doubt setting in. “I haven’t done it for so long. Can I still roar properly? I haven’t roared for ages! What if I lost my ability? Oh, I can’t take the suspense! It’s killing me! How will we find out if I’m still able to roar or not?”

“You could try actually trying to roar,” Marvin interrupted, rolling his eyes.

The sphinx’s eyes widened. “GENIUS!” it shouted. “ABSOLUTE GENIUS!” It stood up and began pacing around excitedly. “The child is brilliant! Absolutely brilliant!” it said, panting. “Amazing! It’s the perfect solution! I would like to shake your hand,” it said, looking down at Marvin, “but I’m afraid I might crush it. Crushing the hand of such an incredible mind would be extremely bad. Therefore, I bow to your great mind. I bow!” It did bow, extremely gracefully for such a large, awkward chunk of stone.”

“Um…thanks?” Marvin said suspiciously, not sure if the sphinx was making fun of him or just stupid.

Monty nudged him. “It’s a sphinx,” he whispered. “It’s not that intelligent. Act grateful and you’ll be fine. It’s not being sarcastic.”

Marvin looked confused but nevertheless accepted quite well considering that he was, well, himself. “Thanks for the compliment,” he said awkwardly. “Um…well…thanks…it’s…a great honor,” he continued. “Um…yeah. I’m flattered. And, uh, honored. And all that stuff. Yeah.”

The sphinx nodded gratefully. “The Great One condescends to talk to me,” it said happily. “That is all I ask for in life. Pass on, good people, pass on,”

They passed on. Marvin looked extremely confused, Monty extremely amused, Zach amused at the fact that confused and amused rhymed, which he had just figured out after analyzing their facial expressions, and the old man calmly accepting.

“So what happens now?” Monty asked the old man.

“We find the boy,” he said. “Remember the story?”

“Oh yeah,” Monty said. “The boy who couldn’t say he wasn’t the greatest or whatever?”

“Yes,” the old man said. “He’s stuck.”

*******************************************************************

“Almost there,” Ishmael said. Adair had joined them soon after they’d reached the control room. Now as Ishmael managed the controls to bring the ship in for a landing, Kelda and Aria were hunched over the ship’s computer screen, watching the landing , and Adair was sitting in the copilot’s seat, carefully planning their land run once they touched ground. “Here we go, we’re coming in, we’re coming in,”

Adair smiled. “He tends to keep up a running commentary through landings,” he explained. “Even when he’s alone, he’ll talk to himself or the computer. Landings make him nervous.”

“That’s right,” Ishmael said, biting his nail anxiously. “Bad things happen during landings. Bad things. It’s hard to make a good landing. It takes concentration. It requires risk taking and even plain stupidity at points. It’s bad, it’s bad, it’s bad. Bad. I hate landings, oh I hate landings, ooh, near miss there, near miss. Look, tree, ach! Oh man, oh man, let’s not die here. Ok, ok, we got through orbit fine, so why are we nervous now? Right, here we go, here we go, we landed! There! It’s all on you now, Adair!”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Adair said, sounding irritated. “I’ve got this. Don’t panic.”

“Look out!” Ishmael said, gripping the arms of his chair until his knuckles went white.

“Calm down! Yeesh, you’d think we had never done this before,” Adair said. “For your information,” he added for Kelda and Aria’s benefit, “we have done this before. We’ve done this many times. He still doesn’t trust me. It’s quite sad, really.”

“Less talking! Come on! Pay attention!” Ishmael said desperately. “Why must you be so calm and cool? You’re going to get us all killed!”

“That’s my evil plan,” said Adair, a mad glint in his eyes. It was hard to tell if he was joking or not. Just then, he accelerated sharply.

“Slow down man!” Ishmael yelled. “Crazy, crazy, crazy…he always does this,” he said to Kelda and Aria in a desperate voice. “He knows it bugs me. Just before the ending. It makes me so nervous…”

Adair stopped and grinned. “There you go!” he said cheerfully. “Wasn’t that fun?”

“It was, actually,” said Kelda. “Like a roller coaster.”

Ishmael groaned. “Not you too,” he said helplessly. “Why must I be surrounded by thrill seeking idiots?”

Adair roared with laughter. Kelda looked offended for a second, but soon joined in.

“Well I was scared too,” Aria confessed. “Maybe not as much as you were, Ishmael, but I’m not fond of roller coasters either.”

Ishmael smiled. “Thanks,” he said. “See? I’m not alone!”

Adair just smiled. “Come on, we’d better get into the cave,” he said.

“What cave?” asked Kelda, but he was already moving off. She ran to catch up with him, as did Ishmael and Aria right on her heels.

Adair stopped so suddenly that she almost ran straight into him. “This cave,” he said simply. Kelda looked up. There was indeed a cave there. It was rather dark and creepy looking. They started forward. Adair led the way. He was moving quickly, almost urgently, as if there were some particular time he would be needed there and he didn’t want to be late for his appointment.

“We’re here!” he shouted out. Kelda peered through the darkness. There didn’t seem to be anybody there. They waited.

***************************************

“We’re here!” a voice called out in the distance.

Monty frowned. “Who’s that?” he asked.

The old man smiled. “Friends of mine,” he said. “I called for them. They can help us.They’re Protectors, like me.”

“You’re a Protector?” Zach asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Indeed I am,” the old man said. “You can call me Zor.”

“Oh good,” Monty said. “It was getting a bit tiresome having to call you “the old man” all the time.”

Zor, who had been previously known as the old man, smiled. “Yes, it’s quite a bit shorter, isn’t it? But that’s beside the point. Come meet my friends.”

They walked back through the cave a bit, and saw four people, two men and two teenage girls, standing around waiting.

“Hey, good to see you guys!” Zor shouted.

“Hey!” Adair shouted back. “Erm, what are you going by at the moment?”

“What do you mean?” Zor asked. “What am I going by?”

“Your name, man, your name!” Adair said impatiently in a normal voice. By now they were close enough so they didn’t have to shout.

“Oh, right,” Zor said, grinning sheepishly. “I forgot, I haven’t changed my name in so long. I’m going by Zor right now.”

“Zor,” Ishmael said. “Not bad. Not bad at all.”

“How about you two?” Zor asked.

“He’s using Adair again,” Ishmael said, pointing at Adair, “and I’m going by Ishmael.”

Zor stared at him.

“Ishmael?” he said questioningly.

“Well, I hadn’t thought of a good new name yet,” Ishmael said. “I didn’t want to keep using my old one like you uncreative types do. I was ready for something new. So when the girl asked, I said ‘Call me Ishmael’”

“Ah yes, the girls,” Zor said. “Who are they? And what are they doing with you?” He turned to the girls. “Hello ladies,” he said. “How on earth did you end up here? You should have asked me, I would have warned you against going with these two rascals here. They’ll get you into all kinds of trouble, you know that?”

Kelda grinned. “Oh they have, believe me,” she said. “I’m Kelda, and this is Aria,”

Zor smiled. “I am, as you may have heard, Zor. Nice to meet you.” They shook hands all around and then Ishmael explained the girls’ prescence to Zor.

“They’re potential trainees,” he said. “Aria here has accepted already-“

“Good girl!” Zor said heartily, giving her a high five.

“-and Kelda’s getting used to the idea. I think she’ll come around, she doesn’t seem to object terribly much,” Ishmael finished.

“No, well, I was thinking about that,” Kelda said. “I guess I am going to do it. Why not? It’s better than anything I can think of to do right now.”

“Excellent!” Zor said jovially. “Most excellent! Good luck I called you over then, isn’t it?” he asked Adair and Ishmael.

“Phenomenal luck,” Adair said. “In fact, we were just preparing to leave First Planet to find you when you called.”

“First Planet?” Kelda asked. “Is that where we were before?”

Zor nodded. “First Planet is where you learn the initials,” he said. “Getting into other peoples’ bodies is the first requirement. First Planet is also where you grow to accept the idea…or reject it. And First Planet is where you are first tested, in a way.”

Kelda was utterly confused, and said so. “I am utterly confused,” was what she said.

Zor smiled. He seemed to do that a lot. He seemed a very genial person. “Let me explain,” he said helpfully. “Scouting Protectors, like Adair and Ishmael, often go out of their way on missions to pick up potential trainees. If they like what they see, they bring them to First Planet, get them to accept the idea, teach them the basics, and find out if they were worth it. If, like you two, the trainees prove acceptable, they hand them over to me to be taken to Base. At Base, they learn a bit more about the job and get qualified. Once they are qualified, they become Scouters for a couple billion years, taking easy jobs and searching for potential trainees in between. After a bit of that, they see where their talents lie and become Teachers, who instruct the trainees at Base, Senior Scouters, who do full time scouting and have no jobs to impede them, or full time Missionists, or the traditionally known Protectors.”

“So we’re going to this Base now then?” Kelda asked.

“Not so fast,” Zor said. “We have a job to do first. Monty? Zach?”

Monty and Zach stared blankly at him. “Us?” Monty said.

“Just for your information,” Zach said, “I haven’t understood a word of this.”

“You don’t need to,” Zor assured him. “I just need the story you got.”

“Oh, that,” Zach said, and pulled it out.

“You brought it?” Monty asked. “Why?”

Zach shrugged. “I had a feeling we’d need it,” he said. He handed it over to Zor, who read it clicking his tongue and shaking his head sorrowfully.

“Not again,” he said sorrowfully. “Oh dear. I think he’s flipped again.” He looked up. “There is a very old member among us- several billenium I believe- who really can’t handle full service, and honestly shouldn’t be out using his powers much more. However, he absolutely refuses to retire or even take less strenuous duties. We’ve been trying to give him the lighter tasks, but we’re rather shorthanded, seeing as we can’t promote anybody to take his place until he leaves. So he’s had to be sent out on a rather bad mission of late, and it seems like it’s turned his head again. He goes mad periodically. It’s actually an excellent way to deal with life’s problems. People who are shocked and appalled by the slightest breaches of etiquette will sigh and excuse and pity you if you commit any more serious crime, on the grounds that nobody would do such a thing unless they were simply insane.”

“Oh, him again?” Ishmael said in realization.

“Yep. Him again,” Zor confirmed.

“What’s his name…I mean, what’s his name right now?” Kelda asked.

Ishmael and Adair glanced at Zor, who shrugged. “He’s usually Maervalindallion when he’s mad,” he said. “It’s a ridiculous name, I know. That’s why he likes it. It makes him feel important.”

“Maervindalwhat?” Aria asked, with her face in a look of intense concentration.

“Maer, Valin, Dallion,” Zor said, splitting it into three parts. “If you need it broken down furthur, it could be Maer, Va, Lin, Dal, Lion. But the end isn’t pronounced lion like the animal. It’s more like leeon. Maybe like the human French way of saying Lion. What is it there? I haven’t been to earth for quite a while,”

“Leone, I think,” Adair said, sounding unsure.

“Well it doesn’t really matter,” Zor said. “Can you all say it?”

“Maervalindallion,” Kelda said confidently.

“Excellent,” Zor said smiling.

“Maervalindallion,” Aria repeated, more slowly but with equal confidence.

“Perfect,” Zor said, still smiling. “Zach? Monty?”

“Could you repeat it again?” Zach asked. “I wasn’t really listening,”

“Maer, Va, Lin, Dal, Leeon,” Zor said helpfully.

“Maervalindallion,” Monty said quickly, rushing it all off the tongue. “But look, I should really finish my mission, don’t you think? Zach?”

“Why so suddenly concerned with it now?” Zach asked. “It didn’t seem to bother you much before. And you know the mission is unlimited time.”

“I know,” Monty said. “I just feel that it’s somehow gotten more important,”

Zor looked interested. Now he leaned in towards them. “Who was the object of your mission?” he asked.

“A girl, about sixteen I think, is that right?” Zach said.

“Fifteen,” Monty said shortly. “Her name is Iris. She has a brother, David. Her parents are famous explorers. They’re off exploring, the kids are staying in a cabin.”

“Her parents were famous explorers, you mean,” Kelda blurted out. Everybody stared at her.

“What do you mean?” Zor asked.

“They’re dead,” she explained shortly.

“How do you know?” Monty asked challengingly.

“I heard them die,” she said. “I didn’t know why at the time. They listened to each other. They didn’t need me. But it makes sense though, they didn’t need me as a listener, but to pass on the information. For some reason, you needed to know.”

“Conscientious to the end, those two,” Zor said sadly, shaking his head.

“You knew them?” Monty asked, surprised.

Zor nodded. “They were Teachers once, at Base. They gave it up to explore after one had a nasty accident that left her stripped of all her powers. The other went with her, and his powers soon withered from lack of use. They could have stayed still. She was an excellent Teacher, even without the ability to demonstrate. But they did good work elsewhere. They set up a spying system for us. I was never sure why we needed one, but those in charge tell me that it’s absolutely essential. If it’s so important to the structure of this organization, then why, I ask, did we not have one before? But I can’t deny that some have found it extremely useful. So there you have it.”

“No we don’t,” Aria reminded him gently. “What about the explorers? Why did you have to know they died?”

“Ah yes,” Zor said. “Thanks for the reminder, Aria. Their parents were sending us a message that their children were free. We’ve wanted to train them up for quite some time, but their father, especially, was worried for their safety. After his wife’s accident, he was never quite the same, never quite at home with us. We were going to take them anyway of course, they were too powerful to be left on their own. They would, and have in the past, wreak havoc upon the city. That’s how we find most of our trainees- just look for trouble.” He chuckled. “That was your job Monty, to bring them to us.”

“My job was to bring them to the Lair,” Monty said uncomfortably.

“Who would have, in turn, handed them over to us,” Zor said. “The Master is joined in our spy network you know. That’s how he came up with the idea for the lair in the first place. It started as a subsection of Base, training spies for us. Then it got bigger and included other specialities, and moved off planet.”

“That’s impossible,” Monty said flatly. “The Lair’s older than that. It has a long, successful history.”

“Ah, that’s what they tell you.” Zor said sadly. “I’m always against lying to people like that, even though even I have to admit it was in your best interests. You wouldn’t have trusted the Lair if it hadn’t had such a history, would you? Now, of course, you do, but think back to when you first arrived.”

“I was suspicious at first,” Zach said. “I remember that. So were you, Monty.”

Monty scowled. “I guess,” he said. “But that’s no excuse,”

“No, it isn’t,” Zor said, and for the first time they had seen the joviality was gone from his eyes, replaced with a cold, stone hard stare. “I’ve told him time and time again, but there’s no reasoning with him. However. That’s his business. Let’s take care of ours.”

“What is our business, exactly?” Ishmael asked. “We’ve brought you the girls, the boys have come on their own. I’m assuming now the boys must go collect the other girl-“

“And the boy,” Zor said. Ishmael and Adair looked surprised, and Ishmael looked even a shade reproachful.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Zor said. “He is young, true, but he has some power and we can’t overlook it. Things are moving, and we can’t ignore any potential assets.”

“He will never be the level of his sister,” Adair said. “And she will never be to the level of the girls. And I haven’t seen any evidence of power in the boys.”

“They have very little,” Zor said. “However, they have special talents that will make them almost as valuable as our strongest mages.”

“Really? I haven’t noticed,” Monty said. “What are we supposed to do?”

“What you have been trained to do,” Zor said simply. “You will not go to Base. You will complete your present mission and then you will both return to the Lair and earn another degree in spying. Then you will be doubly useful as our spy inside the Lair.”

“Why do you need a spy in the Lair?” Zach asked. “I thought we were all on the same side,”

“We have been…questioning some of the Master’s decisions of late,” Zor said smoothly. “More, I cannot say. Let’s just leave it with the simple fact that this is what you must do. Kelda and Aria, you two will come to Base with me, where you will eventually be joined by Iris and David. You will all complete your training, and then we will see what to do with you. You will all be needed, I assure you, so study hard. Ishmael and Adair, you will continue to scour the galaxy for likely subjects, but at the same time, I wish you to keep steady contact with Base as we may have a few intervention jobs for you.”

Marvin stepped timidly from the corner where he’d been lurking all this time. “What about me?” he asked.

Zor looked down at him, surprised. “Ah yes, the n00b,” he said. “I’d forgotten about you, honestly. What would you like to do?”

“You know, I’ve kind of gotten used to the little earthling,” Monty put in. “He’s not half bad at spying, we could use him as our own little spy.”

Zor smiled. “A spy’s spy,” he said. “I like that,”

“He could carry messages as well,” Zach found himself saying. Why was he standing up for the twerp? He didn’t even like him! I guess it was what Monty said, you got used to having him hanging around. “We could find plenty of uses for him.”

Zor nodded. “He’s yours then,” he said. “He’s got no power as far as I can see, so he’d be useless at Base. He may be a key factor under you though. Do your job well, earthling,” he added to Marvin. “Don’t let your friends down,”

“I won’t,” Marvin said. Oddly, he wasn’t annoyed about his lack of power. Why? He certainly should be, everybody else got magic powers and he didn’t? It was so unfair! But he just didn’t seem to care. Maybe he sensed that the ones with powers would have a much harder time of it later. Maybe he was just glad he could stay with Monty (and Zach). For whatever reason though, he didn’t protest at all.

“Good boy,” Zor said briskly. “Right, are we all divided up nicely now? Good. Everybody knows what they’re doing? Let’s roll off. Aria?”

Aria looked confused for a second and then realized what they were doing. “Oh, I’m going with Kelda to Base,” she said.

“Good. Kelda?”

“Going to Base with Aria,” she said, rolling her eyes.

“Just making sure you know,” Zor said. “Ishmael and Adair?”

It was Adair who answered. “Taking Kelda and Aria to Base, and then receiving furthur instructions there,” he said in a bored tone.

“Excellent. Monty, Zach, and Marvin?”

“We’re getting Iris and David and turning them over to you, right?” Monty said.

“How will we find you?” Zach asked.

“Oh, I’ll be around,” Zor assured him. “Don’t worry. I’ll get word.”

“What about the poor guy stuck in the rock?” Aria asked.

Zor slapped himself in the face. “Of course! Maervalindallion! I nearly forgot about him! How could I?” he exclaimed, berating himself soundly as he led the way farther into the cave. “Come on everybody, let’s get him out!”

They walked down a long, dark tunnel that went on for quite some time. Bats flew around their heads, and water dripped from the stalactites (not the stalagmites- they were on the floor) with an eerie, highly magnified sound.

They reached an opening and found a tall old man huddling near a rock.

“Maervalindallion?” Zor called. “Get away from that rock. Straighten up and come talk to me. A merry chase you’ve led us on! Come on, get over here.” He sounded like an irate mother berating her runaway child.

The man stood up. His face was hollow, and his tired eyes were sunk deep into his sockets. They were a neutral grayish- white, as if they’d been simply drained of all colour. His tattered grey robes hung around him loosely, as if he’d lost a lot of weight recently. And indeed, he looked unhealthily skinny. His ribs showed through a large rip in the side of his robes. They seemed to be nearly poking through the skin. He had long, wild, unkempt white hair that stuck out all over in defiance of the laws of gravity, and an equally wild and tangled beard in which there were a number of bats finding it a comfortable nest. He was barefoot, and his toes, especially the largest on each foot, seemed unusually long. Aria shuddered.

“Maervalindallion, you look absolutely terrible. What on earth happened to you?” Zor asked, sighing.

Adair turned his face away. “Why don’t they keep him at Base?” he muttered to Ishmael in an annoyed tone.

“Hush,” Ishmael said soothingly. “He chose not to stay. We can’t force him.”

“We could,” Adair muttered sullenly. Ishmael looked shocked.

“No,” he said firmly. “We couldn’t. You know that.”

Adair’s shoulders drooped. “I know,” he said sulkily. “But why doesn’t he take care of himself? He’s a disgrace!”

Maervalindallion looked up. “Disgrase, am I?” he said huskily. His voice was dry and scratchy from lack of use. “Not as pretty as you’d like, eh? I know you,” he said, coming closer. “Look up, boy.”

Adair had no choice but to obey. Maervalindallion peered into his eyes.

“Throan?” he said.

Adair winced. “Adair,” he said. “I’m known as Adair now.”

“You young people change names far too often,” Maervalindallion said with a scowl. “When I was younger, we changed names for a purpose. Only when needed. Once a century or so. But you, you modern young people, you think it’s fashionable to have so many names. Every decade, you’ve thought yourself up a new one! Every single gurdlin’ decade! Why?” Maervalindallion limped around in a circle so he was standing in view of the whole group. “Useless, useless, useless,” he said, shaking a bony finger at them all. “You’re all useless. You think I’m useless, you think I’m too old, you think I’m a disgrace, eh? Well I seen more battles, more struggles, more close shaves, more near misses, more victories, more defeats, more passion, more fear, more triumph, more life,” here he paused dramatically, letting the sound of his dry voice echo around the cave, “than you ever will. And I mean to see more yet, so don’t get started on that teaching deal, Zor. You can just leave that be. I’m no teacher, never have been, never will be.”

“You can’t fight anymore, Maervoralindallion,” Zor said softly. “What are you going to do? Just wither and die?”

Maervoralindallion straightened as well as he was able. The effect was not perhaps what he had hoped, but they all got the general idea. “Who says I can’t fight Zor?” he asked, eyes flashing dangerously in their sunken sockets. “Do you want to back that statement up? Does somebody here want to try their hand against me? Adair, perhaps? Would you?” He stared daggers at the young man.

Adair’s head drooped. “I’m good, thanks,” he muttered sheepishly.

“That’s what I thought,” the old man smirked. “I have power yet, Zor, as the young man was wise enough to see. I may yet outlive you.”

“It’s possible,” Zor said, although looking on you would never believe that the weary, beaten, skinny old man that was Maervoralindallion would ever outlast a well fed, comfortable looking, slightly less old man like Zor.

“And you think I’m mad,” Maevoralindallion continued. “Don’t bother trying to reassure me, I know you do. And in part, you’re right. I have fits. I have fits of insanity. When I wrote that note, I was sick. I was sick in the head. I saw things. I saw my past, and my future. And I saw yours.” The old man was raving now, his sunken eyes rolling back into his head. “I saw things you could never dream of seeing. And I knew I was mad. But now, now I am sane. For most of the time I am sane. It is just once in a while, when I have the dreams, the haunting, haunting, terrible, beautiful dreams…they drive me mad. Mad! MAD!”

He was literally frothing at the mouth now. “Dreams. Get back to dreams,” he muttered and laid down on the floor. Five seconds later he was out cold.

“Monty, Zach, carry him back to the ship,” Zor said, taking charge. “Carefully, please. Put them in our ship that is. The one Ishmael, Adair, Kelda, and Aria came on. You four are taking that ship back to Base with me. You two will take your own ship back with Marvin to complete your mission. Once you are done, take Iris and David with you to Base.”

“Yes, we know,” Monty said rather impatiently.

“It’s always good to reiterate,” Zor said, unruffled. “Come on, let’s get out of here. This is a rather gloomy place.”

“You’re telling me,” Adair said shuddering. He glanced around uneasily. “What did the old geezer mean with all that about life and dreams and all that? He said he saw our future?”

“Don’t listen to him,” Zor said sharply. “I told you, he’s a complete raving lunatic. Don’t dwell on anything he said to you. It could be a fatal distraction at such an important crossroad like this. Do your job, and we can unravel the meanings of his madness later.”

Adair just nodded, although he was silent for the rest of the journey back. Everybody was, nobody really felt like this was the time or place for chitchat, but Adair’s silence was a strange, brooding type that made Ishmael extremely uncomfortable.

Maervoralindallion was extremely light for such a tall man. Monty could easily have carried him by himself had he not been so awkward and unwieldy a package. Humans weren’t really built for carrying, and exceptionally tall wizards were no exception.

When they reached the open air, Monty and Zach silently handed Maervoralindallion over to Adair and Ishmael. “Our ship’s that way,” Zach said to Zor, who merely nodded. “Marvin,” Monty said sharply. The boy appeared next to him from the back of the group where he had been walking alone. “We’re leaving now,” Monty informed him. Marvin nodded as well. The silent, somber trio headed off for their ship, thinking hard about what they had learned. It was a lot to digest, and was really only now beginning to sink in. Dinner on the spaceship was unusually silent as well, the only sounds being the clatter of silverware against plates and the occasional “Pass the salt please”. Afterward, all three went straight to bed.

The group at left outside the cave headed in the opposite direction towards their ship. They were equally silent, except for Kelda and Zor, who talked quietly at the head of the group for some time. Kelda was full of questions, and Zor, it seemed, was full of answers.

“So what exactly will we learn at Base?” Kelda asked as they trudged along.

“Well, you’ll find out once you reach Base, now won’t you?” asked Zor. Seeing Kelda’s protesting look, he continued. “You’ll learn how to fight with and without magic, most importantly self defense, as well as how to recognize magic in others, and an assortment of various useful skills like navigation and piloting, how to fit in amongst other species, how to keep in link with Base, your partner, and anybody else you particularly need to keep in contact with, how to skulk around, spy, and pick locks. And no doubt your roommates will teach you other interesting things, like card games, the finer points of lying with a straight face, the best excuses for getting out of chores, and the like.”

Kelda mulled this over for a bit. “How many roommates will I have?” she asked.

“Ten, most likely,” Zor said. “Two pairs of senior girls, two pairs of newbies like yourself, and one pair in the middle. That’s the usual setup.”

“Aria’s my partner, right?” Kelda asked, sounding concerned.

“Of course,” Zor assured her.

“Good,” Kelda said.

Another pause went by.

“How many people in training are there at the Base?” she asked this time.

Zor thought about it. “I’m not sure,” he said. “Last time I was there, they had about five thousand. I would hope they’d have more by now though.”

“Five thousand?” Kelda gasped. “That’s so many people!”

“Don’t worry,” he said. “You’ll only be in direct contact with a few of them. The ones in your dorm, obviously, and a few others.”

“What about teachers?” Kelda asked. “What are class sizes like?”

“Oh, we have plenty of teachers,” Zor said. “Class sizes are pretty small. About twenty people, I’d say. Maybe fifteen on a good day. Twenty five in some of the very basic. Ten or so in the extremely specialized classes, but you may not be taking any of those. I don’t know how much time we have.”

“Time for what?” Kelda asked. “You keep hinting at some terribly important future event.”

“I know,” Zor said wryly, “and I apologise. I should really stop hinting at it like that. I can’t explain it to you yet, it would only complicate matters. I’m sorry, I know how much you must hate that answer.”

“Yes,” Kelda said, sticking her tongue out. “I’d like to know. But I guess you’re not going to tell me.”

“No,” Zor said pleasantly. “I guess not.”

But Kelda had other questions to ask as well.

“Where is it?” she asked.

“It is Base,” Zor said. “It’s on an unnamed planet in an unnamed solar system. We like our secrecy. We don’t even tell anybody the galaxy.”

Kelda fell silent, thinking. In a few minutes they had reached the ship. Zor unlocked the door and ushered them inside. Adair and Ishmael laid Maervoralindallion carefully on the table. Kelda wondered how Zor had the key if this was Adair and Ishmael’s ship, but she didn’t say anything. Maybe Zor’s key worked on all the ships or something. She and Ariafollowed Zor down the hallway.

“This is your bunks,” he said, pointing. “It is in, as you see, a separate room. I’m sure you’ll be very comfortable.”

Kelda smiled. “Yep,” she said cheerily.

Aria nodded, smiling as well although she looked extremely tired. “I think I’ll go to bed now if you don’t mind,” she said.

“We don’t mind at all,” Kelda said.

Zor nodded. “Yes, get some rest,” he said. “Both of you should. That’s an excellent idea.”

The girls both nodded and fell asleep almost immediately.

***********************************************

Kelda woke to the pokings of Adair from inside her brain. “Stop that,” she said irritably. “Get out! Isn’t that supposed to be a terrible breach of etiquette or something?”

Adair sighed. “True,” he said. “I confess myself a terrible person. I ought to be burned at the stake. However, my laziness and unhelpfulness unfortunately prevents me from coming to get you myself, and Zor needs you and Aria to come at once.”

“Whatever,” Kelda muttered, annoyed. “Tell him we’re coming. Now shoo!”

Adair left. Kelda flipped over and saw Aria getting out of bed. She jumped down from her perch on the top bunk.

“Bit early, isn’t it?” she asked.

Aria shrugged. “No, we’re just lazy. We slept in quite a bit actually.”

Kelda shrugged and got dressed. The girls walked down the hall and found Zor seated at the table. They sat down.

“We’re almost at Base,” he informed them. “I need a philosophical idea from both of you. Some writing of some kind to prove your intelligence.”

“What?” Kelda asked, surprised.

“Just write something and give it to me,” Zor said. “Anything you want. Here’s pens, here’s papers, I’ll be in the other room.” He left.

Kelda and Aria looked at each other and shrugged. “What on earth does he want?” Aria asked.

“I don’t know,” Kelda said. “He did mention something philosophical. Just write some drivel about life and how it’s like a peach or something.”

Aria laughed. “You’ll have no trouble,” she said grinning. “Life is like a peach. Crazy girl.” She began to write

“I think I’ll just write about spinach or something. I’m not that good at philosophy.” Kelda said, and began to write as well.

A quarter of an hour later, they both finished and went to find Zor. He read them over carefully, starting with Kelda’s.

“SPINACH! Spinach has issues. Serious issues. Well, what first comes to mind when you think of spinach? That’s right…Popeye! The spinach-eating maniac! The one with the bulgy arms! The one that has inspired you all since you were two! Actually, he must not be as inspirational as he’s supposed to be because i know few people who actually enjoy eating raw spinach like he does. But that is completely beside the point. The point being that he OBVIOUSLY has some kind of deep connection with the spinach. In fact, i do believe he might be the spinach itself personified! Yes, i think i’m on to something! In fact, i can see him before me now…and he morphs into a can of spinach! And then a pink bunny! And then a hippo ballerina! Oh wait…maybe that’s just from that spinach i ate. OK WHO SPIKED THE SPINACH?!?!?!?!

Well anyway. Moving on, let’s examine the spinach’s personal issues. Let’s delve deeply into the mystery and enigma that is spinach! Let’s lay its soul bare before the world to be examined by all! Anyway, the first thing about spinach-Dangerous. It is. Very. You don’t want to mess with the spinach. Trust me. I’ve heard stories…terrible, they were. And photographic evidence. *shudders* Totally unsuitable for children however, so i won’t put it up. Let me just warn you-don’t aggravate the spinach unless you have suicidal tendencies.

So. Now that i’ve given you a fair warning, let’s move on to the different types of spinach. Yes, all spinach is not the same! Despite certain overall spinachy tendencies (see above), you have your different varieties of spinach just as much as humans. There’s shy spinach, angry spinach (particularly angry that is), nerdy spinach, happy spinach, even emo spinach. All different types. I once knew a suicidal spinach. His name was Joe. First of all, he was completely mental. Thought he was a bowl of Cheerios. Then somebody pointed out that he wasn’t circular, and he went completely wacko. Was convinced he had some sort of physical defect, and shouted about politeness and how he was just as good as the next bowl, mentally (a bit off there, but by then everybody was edging out the door and nobody wanted to mention it). So he shut himself up in his can and cried for eight straight hours. Wouldn’t open the door, wouldn’t answer the phone. We gathered around waiting for him to come out, but he never did. Instead, we heard shouting and screaming, all about how life’s not worth living with everybody laughing at him and calling him a cripple (although he was really as fine a specimen of spinach as i’ve ever seen. Didn’t make the best bowl of cheerios is all. Poor chap) and how he just wanted to end it all. That’s when we started to get a bit worried, but it was too late. He uttered one last, heartwrenching cry and tipped his can over. Rolled right out of the cupboard and hit the floor before we could stop him. Splattered into a million pieces and was eaten by the dog, who promptly got terrible sick and died as well. The tragic story lives on in my spinach friend Josh’s classic play A Spinach Named Joe. I still cry every time i see it performed. *pulls out hanky and sobs* He’s quite a literary spinach, is Josh. Anyway, that story just goes to show you, there are plenty of characters amongst the spinach in your cupboard. Yes, you have spinach in your cupboard, everybody does. Check near the back, in the Lost and Forgotten section. Anyway, i hope that will inspire you to think about spinach on an entirely new level.”

“Well that certainly is…original,” he said. “Yes, I think that will do very well. Aria?”

Aria handed hers over. “It’s about trees,” she said. “I couldn’t really think of anything.”

“Trees are large. They are brown and green. They have leaves, trunks, and roots. The leaves are the green bit. The trunks are the brown bit. The roots are supposedly brown too, but they’re shy and hide from the world. Although I think they’re just biding their time until they can come to the surface and KILL US ALL!!! *dramatic music* Yes, the roots sit there in their deep dark abyss plotting terrible revenge to all who have ever stepped on the ground they lie under. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Leaves are terribly indecisive. They can never really decide which colour they want to be. Usually it’s green, as mentioned above, but sometimes it’s yellow and red and orange too. That would be during the fall. This would be the fall, but it isn’t fally enough for pwettyful colours yet. Or leaf-raking. Leaves are of a rebellious nature, but unlike the roots, who have a twisted, patient, organised evil, they are impatient and uncoordinated. They will break free in ones and twos and threes and fall to the ground where they will have no idea what to do next and will lay there until they are stomped on, raked up, and/or buried by snow.

Trunks are boring. Extremely. They hold the tree up.

Branches are brown too. They hold the leaves. They must be cruel and terrible dictators, because the leaves are always flying away from them. I bet they tax the poor leaves terribly and don’t give them their basic rights. Have you ever heard a leaf speak out against a branch? No, neither have I! See? They’re afraid. The branches hold them in their cruel sway. Yet still, the brave leaves resist this cruelty and despotism and escape! Unfortunately, the leaves are terribly dumb.

“I didn’t exactly finish,” she said. “I mean, I couldn’t think of anything else to say.”

“That’s fine,” Zor said smiling. “Yes, these are excellent.”

“Why did we do them?” Kelda asked.

“To show the school that you can write and formulate ideas of your own and are reasonably intelligent.”

“Mine’s not reasonable at all,” Kelda said.

“That’s fine,” Zor assured her. “It reflects your character, is all.”

“Hey!” Kelda said, outraged.

Zor laughed. “I’m kidding Kelda,” he said. “It is intelligent. It’s a…new way of looking at it.”

Kelda rolled her eyes. “Whatever,” she said. “It shows I can write, anyway.”

“That you can,” Zor said.

“We’re here!” Adair’s voice called from the control room. All three rushed in.

“As are we,” said Zor calmly. “Where are we landing?”

“At our usual spot, “ Adair said.

“No, land over there,” Zor said, pointing.

Adair looked at him, surprised, but he did it. “I don’t think it’s right,” he muttered.

“Doesn’t matter,” Zor said shortly. “I think it is. Come on everybody, let’s go.”

They trooped out towards the opening. Kelda heard Aria gasp beside her as the door opened. Kelda felt almost like gasping herself, but Aria had kind of stolen her thunder. It wouldn’t do much good for Aria to hear Kelda gasp if Kelda had already heard Aria gasp. Nevertheless, Kelda decided to gasp anyway. Aria heard Kelda gasp beside her as the door opened. Base was huge. It was the biggest spaceport either girl had ever seen, although they honestly hadn’t seen many. Ships were landing and taking off all around them. They were in the middle of all the action, on a raised landing port overlooking all the rest. There was a huge staircase cut into it, carpeted in what had once been a dark, rich green but had been beaten down by weather and such hardships and was now faded and light. Zor led the way down the stairs. At the bottom, they were greeted by an alien. She seemed decidedly female, although it wasn’t quite clear why. She had four legs but no fur. Her eyes were on rotating stalks that could see all around. Her mouth was a small split in the front of her body. No nose or ears were visible, yet somehow she smelled and heard. She wore a sort of scarf around her body, and her feet had iron horseshoes on them. Her skin was a deep purple.

“Welcome,” she said. “Welcome, Zor, O Great One. Welcome, Adair. Welcome, Ishmael. Welcome, young Aria, and young Kelda. You are all welcome. Snyiah hya shamah.” She bowed her head down. Adair, Ishmael, and Zor all bowed back. Adair elbowed Kelda as he rose up so she bowed quickly and poked Aria to do the same. Aria curtseyed instead. Kelda wasn’t sure if she should have done so as well, but it was too late now. She kept a fixed, nervous smile on her face.

“Snyiah hya shamah, Millie,” Zor responded gravely. “We have, as you can see, two. The two girls are with us. The other boy and girl are arriving as soon as possible.”

“Trouble with the Lair?” Millie asked.

“No, the Lair is as helpful as always,” Zor reassured her. “The agents however, got a bit caught up. We needed them to help fetch Maervoralindallion again.”

“Ah yes,” Millie sighed. “Where is he?”

“In the ship,” Zor answered. “He isn’t awake yet.”

Just then, at the perfect moment, Maervoralindallion stumbled down the stairs. “Millie!” he exclaimed, bowing extravagantly. “Snyiah hya shamah! How are you?”

“I am well,” Millie replied graciously. “You, however, are not,” she added in an ominous tone, eyeing him reproachfully. “You really should stop taking such missions you know. They only depress you and then you shut yourself up again. You’d really be much more useful here than in the field.”

Maervoralindallion sighed. “Millie, Millie, Millie,” he said. “Must we have this discussion again?”

“Yes,” Millie said firmly. “But not right now. Go eat and rest and whatever else you have to do to recover your sanity somewhat.”

Maervoralindallion looked highly affronted. “Ma’am, I assure you, my sanity is intact as it has always been,” he said stiffly. “Any question of insanity is…well…out of the question,” he continued rather more lamely. “My mind is in a perfect state of sanity,” he rallied, but Millie was already shaking her head.

“You’re better now then,” she said. “A bit. Well go eat and rest anyway, I think you need it.”

“Now that you mention it, I haven’t eaten,” Maervoralindallion said thoughtfully. “To the kitchens I go then. Remember, I’m on active duty! Don’t forget me!” He walked off.

Millie sighed. “Still on active duty, my wings,” she said scornfully. “If that stupid old man ever goes out again, I swear I will shoot somebody. But you know how it is, tight schedule and all. Which brings us to these two.” She turned to Aria and Kelda. “Hello dearies,” she said warmly. “Let’s get you to your dorms. One of the older students will take you on a tour as soon as you are ready. Do you wish to eat something first?”

“I’m fine,” Kelda said.

“We just ate,” Aria explained.

“Excellent,” Millie said happily. She whistled sharply. Another alien came scampering up. This one was on three legs, revolving at the waist. They were skinny and hairy, like spider legs. Above the waist however, he looked like a perfectly normal human being.

“Snyiah hya shamah” Millie said. “Take the girls to the freshman dorms,”

The creature nodded. “Snyiah hya shamah,” it replied. “Come along girls.”

Kelda and Aria rushed to keep up with him. His skinny legs rotated around quickly, moving him along almost like some sort of brush. A rotating toothbrush, that’s what he’s like, Kelda thought, amused.

Aria looked back and poked Kelda sharply on the shoulder. “Look!” she exclaimed.

Kelda looked. Millie had wings! Kelda had wondered about that comment. She was unfolding them now. They were huge. They were like bat wings. “Wow,” Kelda breathed, as she took off. Her powerful wings beat the air and she flew extremely fast, as fast as the spaceships and skimmers around her were flying.

“Come along there,” the spider man urged.

With one last backwards glance at Millie, the girls followed him.

They soon reached a tall, bright blue building, surrounded by gardens, the only green, living things they had seen on the planet so far, though they had seen living things of many other colours, from grey to hot pink to an ugly, dull yellow. Just across the gate, there was a bright orange girl looking at them curiously. She looked almost human except for the unusually long fingers and the two long, slender antennae sticking out of her head.

Just then, Kelda’s attention was diverted by a large crawly bug-type thing standing in the middle of the square, preaching, as it seemed. She listened to the words.

“As Brother Dirty Italian Andy hath done to Brother Lashes Jacob, so Brother Lashes Jacob hath done to Sister Trekkie Monica. And so Sister Trekkie Monica shall do unto all others until the world is all madness and wii. And then the Great Goddess of Spamabix, SEBE, shall rise up and say unto the wii-maddened people “stupid people, you’re all insane!” and then the people shall cower in fear and appease the Great Goddess with many shiny objects and much choklit. And then the Great Goddess shall say unto them, “yay, choklit! guess i can forgive you. No smitings for today. But remember, do not neglect the Great Goddess or she shall take away your Wii!” Thus spake the Great Goddess as she rode away in her chariot pulled by fiery horses and a few bunnies just to lighten the scene. And the people rejoiced at the mercy and wisdom of their Great Goddess, and forswore the Wii forevermore, except on occasions when they felt like procrastinating on their homework.”

The people or things that were listening attentively now roared and cheered and bowed down in praise of the Great Goddess SEBE.

Just then, Kelda’s attention was diverted yet again. The orange girl had come through the gate and was talking to the spider man.

The orange girl smiled when she saw Kelda looking her way.

“Snyiah hya shamah,” she said, bowing. She turned to Aria and did the same. “Snyiah hya shamah,” she said.

Kelda and Aria both bowed this time. Aria had apparently either forgotten to curtsey or decided against it.

The orange girl smiled again. She smiled a lot. “I am Maria,” she said. “What are your names?”

“I’m Kelda,” Kelda said, not sure whether she was supposed to shake hands or what. She bowed again, rather awkwardly.

“I’m Aria,” Aria said, bowing as well, rather more gracefully than Kelda.

Maria bowed back at them once more.

The spider man bowed to all three of them. There was quite a bit of bowing going on here. “Snyiah hya shamah,” he said and left.

“Does everybody always bow so much here?” Kelda asked Maria.

Maria laughed. “No, only at first meeting. After people get to know you they won’t be so formal, and you won’t have to either.”

“Oh good,” Kelda said. “It was starting to get on my nerves, honestly.”

“I know how it is,” Maria said sympathetically. “But we’ve met now so here’s one girl you don’t have to bow to,”

“Thank you,” Aria said happily.

“Ok, let’s see your rooms!” Maria said and led them inside.

*********************************************************

The ship touched ground on the water. Or rather, it touched water on a lake. Or most accurately of all, it touched ground under the water of a lake.

“Well,” Monty said, sighing, “we have touched ground. Underwater.”

“That’s annoying,” Zach said, peering out the window. “I could have sworn this was solid ground here,”

“Well, maybe last century, but we haven’t been here in a while, Zach,” Monty pointed out. “Erosion and whatnot, the world changes,”

“so hw dwe gidd out?” Marvin asked, his face squished against the window, staring at the fish.

“What’s that, little earthling?” Monty asked.

Marvin peeled his face away from the window. “I said, so how do we get out?” he said.

“Ah. There’s the rub, now isn’t it?” Zach said, pacing back and forth. “Do we have one of those new thingymajiggers?”

“No,” Monty said. “We haven’t updated since, what, couple decades or so? We do have that doodad though,”

“What, the one with the thingamabobber?” Zach asked.

“No, it’s the one with the jiggywhatsit,” Monty replied.

Zach nodded. “That might work,” he said.

“What are you guys talking about?” Marvin asked.

“Watch and learn, little earthling,” Monty said absentmindedly as he gripped the controls. “Let’s do this, Zach,” he said grinning wickedly.

Zach slid back into the copilot’s seat. “Oh yes, let’s,” he said grinning back.

Suddenly the whole ship began to shake. After about five minutes of pressure, Zach and Monty were hotly debating whether to let go or hold a little longer when suddenly the ship shot into the air with a force that threw Marvin back and tumbled him over his head. Monty gleefully pulled a lever, shouting “I told you!” at Zach. A large inflatable raft covered the bottom of the ship, and they re- landed in the water, this time floating gently on top.

“Row, row, row your boat, gently down the streeeeam,” Monty began cheerfully as compartments opened in the side of the ship to let the oars out.

“Monty, please don’t,” Zach said wearily.

“Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dreeeam,” Monty continued gleefully. Zach shook his head.

“Join in, little earthling, join in!” Monty called. “This is a song from your home planet, is it not?”

Marvin smiled nervously. “I’ll pass, thanks,” he said.

“Aw, come on,” Monty said. “Don’t let Zach intimidate you! Take a stand!”

“No, no, I’m fine,” Marvin assured Monty.

Monty shrugged.

“Suit yourself,” he said, and continued to sing loudly.

They soon reached the shore and Monty stopped singing, to the immense relief of Marvin and Zach.

“Where’s the house?” Zach asked.

“It’s a cabin,” Monty said. “Over the hill there.” He pointed.

“Ok, Marvin and I will take care of the ship then,” Zach said nodding. “Hurry back, ok?”

Monty grinned. “Of course,” he said. “Piece of cake, this assignment. The whole thing.”

Zach sighed. “Be careful!” he warned.

Monty just grinned. He entered the spaceboat and changed into his kidnapper’s clothes. He came out, waved a cheery goodbye to Zach and Marvin, and ran up the hill.

As he approached carefully, he saw a light on in the attic and the kitchen. He peeked in the kitchen window. There was nobody there. He grinned and climbed the wall up to the attic window. He peeked in there.

There they sat, David and Iris, looking through old boxes of junk. “Wow, they must be really bored,” Monty thought sympathetically. He climbed down the wall. There was no point going through the window, the two had their backs to the wall. He went around to the front of the house and entered a huge window in the living room. He much preferred windows to doors. Windows made less noise than doors did. He snuck silently up to the attic and entered dramatically. A little drama is never a terrible thing, and he enjoyed it thoroughly. He waited for them to notice.

Iris noticed first. She jumped to her feet, pulled David behind her and said nervously “Who are you?”

Monty randomly started humming the song “Who Are You” by The Who. “Good song,” he said. “Who Are You? By The Who?”

“It is a good song,” Iris said. “But I was asking you a serious question. Who are you?”

“I am the man who is kidnapping you, Iris. Your brother will be coming along as well. Please do not attempt to resist. It makes my job so tiresome.”

“Who are you?” Iris asked once more, shaking.

“Single minded, aren’t we?” Monty asked. “I am Montgomery Gurell. That is all you need to know. Good night.”

He had been fiddling idly with his pockets the whole time. Now, almost faster than you could blink, he pulled out a blowgun, loaded it with a dart, and blew it straight into Iris’s arm. He quickly reloaded for David, but missed as he bent over the comatose body of his sister.

“You killed her!” he yelled, tears running down his face. He rushed at Monty and began to beat him fruitlessly with his fists.

Monty grabbed his arms. “Whoa, hold on,” he said. “I didn’t kill her. She is still breathing, see? She’s just sleeping. You will be too in a minute. Hold on.”

David, however, did not want to hold on. He continued to struggle obstinately in Monty’s arms. Sighing over the lack of opportunity to show his skill and finesse, Monty merely pricked him in the arm with a dart instead of shooting it. David slumped to the floor as well.

Monty quickly took out a large, black bag of some sort of cloth, with air holes stuck through it. He carefully deposited David and Iris in the bag, and made his way back down the hill.

Marvin and Zach had gotten the spaceship back onto land and were busy deflating the raft that had appeared to stop it from drowning.

“That was incredibly easy,” Monty said. “What’s wrong with the picture?”

“You are back incredibly early,” Zach said. “That was really fast. What happened?”

Monty told him all. Zach thought for a second, and then said, “Well, maybe it was supposed to be easy.”

“You mean Zor intervened somehow?” Monty asked. “Maybe. How would they do that though?

“I have no idea,” Zach said. “But they can do weird stuff like that. I don’t know. In any case, we’ve got them now, right?”

“Right,” Monty said confidently. “Let’s go. They’ll wake up in about half an hour.”

“These should finish deflating in about five minutes, and then we can go,” Zach said. “Patience, grasshopper.”

“Plagarizer,” Monty said and set the bag gently on the ground. They waited for the raft to deflate.

************************************************

“Here are your rooms,” Maria said, ushering them inside. Kelda and Aria looked around. The room was large and, like everything else, blue. There were five bunks, or ten beds in it. Various personal items overflowed from eight of them. Maria led them to the bunk in the end corner. “You guys get the corner bunk since you came a little late,” she said.

“That’s fine,” Aria said. “I like the corner”

“That’s good,” Maria said. “Did you guys bring anything?”

“No,” Kelda said. “We kind of came a bit unexpectedly,”

“We used to be Listeners,” Aria said, “and we were called away, and it kind of turned into this,”

“What are Listeners?” Maria asked.

Kelda and Aria glanced at each other.

“I’ll leave that one up to you, Kelda,” Aria said.

Kelda sighed. “Of course. Thanks a lot, Aria,” She grinned to show that she was joking and began to explain. “The Listeners are people who listen to people who aren’t listened to. Have you ever heard the theory that nothing exists unless somebody hears or sees it?”

“Yes,” Maria said. “I found it ridiculous.”

“So do I, now,” Kelda said, “but before it was the way of life. All the Listeners believed that. We noticed that people often didn’t listen to each other, so we decided we would have to Listen to them if their words were to exist. We didn’t want to lose such words of wisdom as might be hidden amongst all the things that are said, but not heard. So we Listened to people. All the time.”

“That sounds interesting,” Maria said.

“It was at first,” Kelda agreed. “You knew so much! But then it got kind of boring. That’s when we met Ishmael and Adair. They took us off to the cave where we met Zor, and he brought us here.”

“I see,” Maria said. “Well, we’ll have to get you some clothes and things. But first, come see the rest of the place!”

Kelda and Aria were happy to oblige. They followed Maria around, oohing and aahing as they passed through the kitchens, the fighting practice ground, the Stealth range, and the shooting range. Eventually they came to a small field with a few tree stumps in it.

“What range is this?” Kelda asked Maria.

“This is the Mental range,” Maria answered. “Where you test the skills that you learn to do with your mind.”

“Like going into other people’s bodies and stuff?” Aria asked.

“Yes,” Maria said smiling. “But you don’t get to do that until fourth year at least.”

“We already can,” Kelda said, confused. “Adair and Ishmael told us it was the first thing we learn!”

Maria stared. “You can go into other people’s bodies?” she asked, with a touch of awe and reverence in her voice.

“Yes,” Kelda shrugged. “So? It’s easy,”

“Are you kidding?” Maria asked breathlessly. “I’ve tried it! We all have! I’m only just starting to get the hang of it after nearly half a year of practice!”

Kelda and Aria were confused.

“Are we talking about the same thing?” Aria asked timidly.

“I think so,” Maria said uncertainly.

“Here,” Kelda said. “Will you let me in your mind?”

Maria shrugged. “If you can get in,” she said.

Kelda entered. “Do you believe us now, Maria?” she asked from inside.

Maria gasped. “You’re in my body!” she exclaimed.

“I am,” Kelda responded calmly. “And you don’t have to talk with your mouth while I’m here, you know.”

“Oh yeah,” Maria said sheepishly. “I knew that,”

“Anyway, I’m leaving now,” Kelda said. “No offense, but I find my own body much more comfortable.”

“That’s understandable,” Maria responded.

Kelda left and returned to her own body.

“That’s amazing,” Maria breathed.

Kelda just shrugged again. “Shall we move along?” she asked, gesturing ahead.

Maria nodded and led them off to the rest of the grounds. They saw the gardens (complete with shrubberies), the swimming pool, a small pond, and a large hill with a field on top used for sports and recreation.

They eventually finished the tour and went back inside. “So what would you like to do now?” Maria asked.

“I don’t know,” Kelda responded. “What do you want to do, Aria?”

Aria shrugged. “I don’t know,” she said. “What do you want to do, Maria?”

“Whatever Kelda wants to do,” Maria responded.

“I’ll do whatever Aria does,” Kelda said laughing.

Aria smiled. “I’ll do what Maria does,” she said.

“It’s a vicious circle, isn’t it? Maria asked. Just then, a boy walked by. He was bright pink but otherwise looked like a normal person.

“Hey, let’s see if we can get Fred to play zonkers with us!” Maria said.

“Ok,” Kelda said. “We don’t know how to play though.”

“Oh, we’ll teach you, it’s really easy,” Maria assured her. “Hey Fred! Want to play some zonkers?”

The pink boy turned around. “Ok!” he said and grinned. “Hello new peoples! I’m Fred. Who are you? Oh and by the way, Snyiah hya shamah.”

“I’m Aria,” Aria said, about to bow. She changed her mind and just nodded her head instead. This boy didn’t seem overly formal like the rest of the welcoming committee had been.

“I’m Kelda,” Kelda said, nodding as well. “What does that mean, exactly?”

“What, Snyiah hya shamah?” he asked. Kelda nodded. “I’m not sure exactly,” he admitted with a laugh. “Probably just good health to you or something like that. It’s a greeting, anyway.”

“Oh,” Kelda said. “So, um, it’s very colourful here,” she said by way of extremely awkward conversation.

Fred laughed. “Oh yes,” he said. “Very. Most of the colourful ones you see around are aliens of some sort.”

“Most?” Kelda asked quizzically.

“Well,” Fred laughed, “Some, like me, just like the colours. Apparently the aliens aren’t really different colours…well, some of them are I guess, but there’s a certain group called the Hy’ed who paint themselves ceremonially. The paint changes colour according to mood or heat or time of day…it’s all rather confusing, really. I never know what colour I’m going to be in the morning. To tell the truth, it has gotten a little old, but I absolutely can not take it off without mortally offending them, so I’m kind of stuck. My fault, really. Mea culpa. And all that.”

“Why would it offend them?” Aria asked, joining the conversation.

“It’s sacred paint, something to do with their weird religion. No, I really shouldn’t call it weird. It’s not really. Well it is, but to be absolutely correct I should probably say…well…nothing else really fits, honestly. They worship the two Great Goddesses of Spamabix, THIRREA and SEBE. Their names are always in all caps, and they’re kind of…odd.”

“Spamabix?” Kelda asked. “What’s that?”

“It’s from an Earth thing, oddly enough,” Fred said. “Spam is canned ham…disgusting really, ham in a can…ergh. Anyway. Weetabix is a british cereal that tastes like sawdust. Really odd stuff. Put the words together and it makes Spamabix.”

“Oh,” Kelda said and paused. “So, um, they worship this stuff?”

“No,” Fred said. “Well yes. Well, sort of. Well, really how it started was these two Earthling girls somehow made interstellar contact without realizing it. This was back in the Dark Ages, when Earth was the unexplored territory, before we knew there was intelligent life on it. Anyway, they somehow managed to broadcast a story, The Gospel of Spamabix. The Hy’ed got this message and interpreted it as a sign from their god, Shr’ka. Apostrophes are a key part of their language if you haven’t noticed yet. I’m not sure why, but then language isn’t really my speciality, especially interplanetary language. I have enough troubles with the languages on my home planet. So since then they’ve followed the rather cryptic Gospel and worship the Goddesses THIRREA and SEBE.”

“I saw a guy preaching about them,” Kelda said. “Something about SEBE, and something called Wii”

“Ah, wii,” Fred said. “An ancient game system of the Earthlings. Now, of course, it’s anachronistic and obsolete, but back then it was quite a novelty. Yes, SEBE got rather upset about the brainwashing powers of that machine as I recall. She thought it was sent by somebody else to try and sway the gullible Hy’ed to their side away from the Goddesses of Spamabix.”

“Interesting,” Kelda said.

“Yes, fascinating,” added Aria.

“Most excellent summary, Fred,” Maria added. “Now let’s play some zonkers!”

Fred smiled. “Rather single minded, is our Maria,” he whispered to Kelda, “but don’t let that turn you away, she’s quite intelligent when you can get her to listen”

“Hey! I heard that!” Maria said indignantely.

“She has most excellent hearing as well,” Fred added out loud, winking.

“How do you play zonkers?” Aria interjected quickly to avoid a conflict.

Maria stuck her tongue out at Fred and turned to Aria. “You take these cards,” she said. “Here.” She gave Aria some large plastic cards. They were slightly bigger than Aria’s hand and covered with swirling designs that looked somewhat like tie-dye, except different somehow. Finally, Aria got it- they were moving.

“Right,” Maria said, giving some cards to Kelda and Fred. “You pick five of those. You want to pick the ones with the most red in them.”

Aria stared at the cards until her eyes watered. They kept moving around! She finally chose the ones which showed red most often, and laid them down.

“Kelda, you pick the ones with the most blue,” Maria said. “Fred, why don’t you do pink, to match your lovely skin, and I’ll take yellow.”

Once all the cards were laid down, Maria grinned. “Here comes the fun part,” she said. “Focus your will on the cards on the ground- all of them, not just your own- and try to turn them all the colour that you picked. Don’t feel bad if you lose the first time, it takes some practice. The first time I played, my cards were gone in mere seconds.”

“As they will be now,” Fred said challengingly.

Kelda, always prepared for a challenge, began to focus her will on the cards.

“Wait, Kelda!” Maria exclaimed. “You have to wait until I say go.”

“Well, go on then,” Fred said impatiently. “Say go”

“Ready…set…” Maria began and paused dramatically.

“Oh, do get on with it,” Fred said impatiently.

“GO!” Maria yelled.

They sat there, staring at the cards. Aria was gone after about five minutes. Maria distracted herself long enough pat her consolingly on the shoulder and say, “I’m impressed. You did much better than I did,”

Aria grinned and began to watch the rest of the game interestedly.

Maria wasn’t doing well. She only had one bit of yellow left on her card. The rest was occupied by random splotches of Kelda’s blue and Fred’s pink.

Fred and Kelda seemed to somehow have reached an agreement without speaking. Now the pink and blue were flanking the yellow and eventually it was completely surrounded. The pink and blue joined together on the other side and began to push against it. The yellow spot grew smaller and smaller, eventually disappearing completely.

“Aww,” Maria said. “You guys ganged up on me,”

“Heck yes we did,” Fred said grinning.

Kelda said nothing. The intensity of her glare on the cards now was astonishing. Before she had been trying- obviously, as she was still in the game- but now she was absolutely determined.

Fred looked at her, surprised. Then he suddenly grinned widely and focused his own glare, matching in intensity, against Kelda’s blue cards.

There were fifteen cards, five of which were blue and six of which were pink. The remaining four cards were pretty evenly splotched, although the blue was growing steadily.

The pink began to push back on the blue. The blue struggled, swirling faster and faster as it tried to regain its lost ground. Kelda gasped as the pink, with one humongous effort, wiped her off another card. The blue remaining on the other cards swirled angrily.

Fred’s gaze was steady and unwavering. After the initial shocked reaction of the extent of Kelda’s raw power, he had settled into a steady stream of power, slowly pushing the blue back, one by one.

It took him twenty minutes. Maria and Aria were quietly chatting on the other side of the room by this point when Fred stood up and stretched his legs. Kelda sat, staring at the cards.

“Good game,” Fred said grinning. Then his face grew more serious, and he said calmly but urgently, “I think you need to come with me for a while. We need to talk to somebody.”

Kelda looked up at him. “I lost,” she said. “I was so close.” Then she blinked and sort of came to her senses. “Oh, Fred,” she said, shaking her head to clear it. “Good game. Where are we going?”

“We need to talk to somebody,” Fred said, pulling her up. “Come on.”

Maria and Aria came over. “That was a long game,” Maria commented. “Was it a good one?”

“Extremely good,” Fred said. Then he looked at Kelda and smiled. “Extremely profitable for Base as well. She’s got power, Maria. She’s got more power than I do. I have to confess it.”

Maria looked surprised. “Fred, are you serious?” she asked, her eyes widening.

“I know, I know, I’m supposed to be like the best, the strongest, the greatest,” Fred said, rolling his eyes. “You should hear Master Johnson on the subject. I’m the wonder boy of the Base. But seriously, Maria, I’m not, at least not any more. This girl is far more powerful than I am, and I honestly only beat her because she’s untrained. You let your power go in bursts,” he said, turning to Kelda. “You need to keep it steady. You can’t let yourself be distracted .”

Kelda nodded.

“See you later, Maria, Aria,” Fred said, nodding. “Newbie party tonight, remember!”

“Newbie party?” Kelda asked.

“Sure. For you and Aria. You’re newbies at Base, so we throw you a party.” Fred grinned. “Any excuse for a party, right?”

Kelda laughed. “Parties are good. But for right now, where are we going?”

“We are going,” Fred said dramatically, “to see the famous (or infamous, depending on how you look at it) Master Mikenas.

*******************************************************

“We’re here,” Zach announced to the group. They had been flying straight to Base as soon as they got the raft deflated. Ishmael had dropped by (or his spirit had, anyway,) to give them the coordinates, and promptly wiped them from their memories.

Monty sighed. “At last,” he said.

Iris and David were awake now. They hadn’t said a word beyond the beginning “Where am I? Who are you? questions, but simply sat quietly in their chairs. Eventually, David had fallen asleep. But Iris was still awake, watching everything.

Zach glanced at her. She made him nervous. She didn’t talk, she just watched everything. He felt so…exposed. Every action of his was being scrutinized closely by this girl, and that feeling of being watched made him extremely uncomfortable. He glanced at Monty. Monty didn’t seem to mind. He was calmly standing up and gathering up a few things they were going to bring along. Zach began to help.

Marvin poked David. “Hey! Psst! Wake up!” he whispered insistently.

David woke up. “Huh?” he said.

“Hi David,” Marvin said. “I’m Marvin.”

“Hi Marvin,” David said, smiling happily. He was glad to have made a friend.

“Four are three space why zero yew space one three three seven question mark?” Marvin asked.

David looked confused. “Um, I only speak English and French and some Latin,” he said.

“jay zero zero are space en zero seven space one three three seven question mark?” Marvin said, surprised. “Jay zero zero are space four space en zero zero eight exclamation point!”

David just stared uncomprehendingly. Eventually, he shook his head and said, “What language is that, anyway?”

“It’s leet,” Marvin said, giving him a disgusted look. “I give up. You’re a noob.”

“I don’t know what that is, but it doesn’t sound very nice,” David said, hurt.

Marvin laughed. “It isn’t,” he said. “One space four em space seven three aitch space pee double yew en four gee three exclamation point! Why zero yew space eff four one ell space four seven space ell one eff three exclamation point!”

David turned his back. “You’re mean,” he said. “I don’t know what you’re saying, but I know it’s mean. I can tell. I don’t want to talk to you.”

“All I said was ‘I am teh pwnage,” Monty muttered.

“It was more than that,” David said. “It was longer.”

Iris finally spoke. “He said that you fail at life, David,” she said calmly. “You’re right. It was extremely rude of him.” After this brief but highly enlightening comment, she leaned back and began to examine her fingernails in seeming disinterest.

Marvin was shocked. “You’re leet?” he asked, astonished. “Bestest friend!”

She looked at him scornfully. “Don’t wet yourself,” she said. “Yes, I can tell what you’re saying. It’s really not that hard. And, for the record, we are most certainly NOT friends. Nor will we ever be as long as I retain my sanity.”

Marvin sat on the floor, dejected. Just then, Monty and Zach came in. “All right kiddes, we’re off to Base,” Monty said cheerfully.

All three got up to follow him, Iris defiantely, David cheerfully, and Marvin eagerly and extremely quickly. Marvin rushed to Monty’s side and tugged his sleeve. “She’s leet,” he said.

“What?” Monty said. “Oh, that odd little earth language of yours. Yes, well, that’s nice. You can talk to somebody in your language for once.”

Marvin’s shoulders slumped as he considered the possibilities of this. “Well…maybe,” he said dubiously.

“I’m sure she will,” Monty said absentely. He was already leading them off the ship and into Base.

They all gasped as they got off, even Iris. Base was bigger than any of them had ever imagined. They had no special welcoming group as the others had gotten, but Zor was standing at the entrance ramp, smiling.

“Hello!” Zor said waving. “Excellent! Most excellent! That was incredible time!”

Monty grinned. “Yep, we’re just amazing like that,” he said with an ironic air of false modesty.

“Come along,” Zor said, ignoring Monty’s comment and ushering them all along. They went into a small grey building right across the street.

“Welcome to my house,” Zor said as they went inside. “Not very comfortable, I’m afraid. I only use it rarely. My ship is actually more homey than my home. But here you are. Monty, Zach, this is where you will stay when you come to Base. By the way, the Lair is rather displeased that you reported directly to us. It would probably be best to take some jobs from them from time to time as well, and to…let us say, not give out the impression that you are working for us. Let them think we brain wiped you and sent you on your way back home.”

“It would be good to get back to the Lair from time to time,” Zach agreed. “If only for old time’s sake.”

Zor smiled. “Indeed,” he said. “Now Iris and David will be going to the school. Iris will be going to the Big Blue Building, or the Triple- B as the students call it. David will be going to the Chibi Chartruese Care Center, or, as it’s nicknamed, the Quad- C. People are very fond of alliteration around here. David is not quite old enough to start Triple- B, and in fact, we’re not even sure if he’s got any kind of power at all. Hereditarily, he should. But it doesn’t always work that way. Often the strongest are the ones with no magical relatives, or one very distant one. And sometimes the children of some of the greats are absolutely powerless. It can be quite sad, really. Anyway, that’s where you’ll go,” he said, addressing David and Iris for the first time.

“Why do you need us?” Iris asked. “How much? We’ll contact our parents if you let us, or give you their contact information if you refuse to allow us even that. They will pay you as much as you need, I’m sure.”

“We don’t need your parents’ money,” Zor said calmly. “We need you. And I hate to be the one to tell you…in fact, I don’t really think I should be…but there it stands. Nobody else is here. You’ll just have to believe me or not. I suggest you trust me, but if you don’t trust me, then why should you trust my suggestion to trust me? You could not base your opinion of my trustworthiness by trusting me to suggest my trustiness myself, trusty as I am. If you did, I would think you quite the trusting person. But enough about trust, I’m avoiding the point. As much as I’d like to cushion this somehow, I honestly can’t. I’m a straightforward person, and I can’t get away from that. Your parents are dead. They were murdered by savaged beasts on the unknown and uncharted planet they were exploring. There. Now you can trust me or not. It’s your choice.”

Iris stared at him for a long, long time. Finally, she looked him squarely in the eye and said, “It’s stupid of me to trust you. You just said so, in a rather more roundabout way. Yet I can’t help trusting somebody who tells me not to trust them, if only because they’re honest about their own trustworthiness. Although if I trust them and they are trustworthy when they tell me they’re not, then they’re dishonest for telling me they weren’t trustworty. So I’m kind of stuck, you see. But I have a feeling. A feeling really is not enough to form an opinion with. But nevertheless, I feel I can trust you, and I feel the truth in your words. Somehow, in some way, I know that my parents are dead. My question is, who are you and why do you know?”

Zor smiled. “Excellent reasoning,” he said. “You can call me Zor. That’s been my name for, oh, the last billenium or so. I’m getting old, too old and too tired to change. You’ll have to excuse the lack of novelty you get with the younger ones. I’m…well…I’m a protector. That’s the best way to describe my job. And yet, we’re kind of a rebellion as well. In an odd sort of way, we’re rebelling against oppression and bad stuff like that. Actually, when you think of it, no reason for our existence immidiately pops into mind. What were the circumstances that created the need for Base? I don’t know, I wasn’t there, old as I am. It is older than even I, one of the oldest. It had a serious, urgent purpose now. It still does, but it’s subtler and harder to recognize. I don’t know, you’ll just have to find out for yourself. I know because it is my job to know. That’s really all you need to know about what I know.”

Iris considered this. “I guess I’ll have to accept that for now. You certainly won’t tell me anything else. And I’ll have to believe you, since there’s nothing else to believe. There’s really not much choice in the matter, is there?”

“No,” Zor said gravely. “There isn’t. And I’m sorry to put you in such a position.”

“That’s ok,” Iris said. “You didn’t have much of a choice either.”

“That is extremely true,” Zor said, nodding.

*******************************************************

Fred led Kelda quickly along the many passages in the blue building. Kelda struggled to keep up.

“Who is Master Mikenas?” she asked as she began half skipping in a desperate attempt to keep up with his long strides.

“You’ll see,” he said shortly. Then he chuckled. “Yes, you’ll see,”

Pretty soon, owing mostly to their desperately paced speed walking, they reached a dark brown door. Amongst all the bright, gaudy colours of the rest of the Base, it looked quite odd. On it was a large gold knocker, which Fred grasped firmly and beat three times against the door.

“Yes, yes, come in,” came an impatient voice from inside.

Fred grinned and opened the door. Behind a large wooden desk sat an extremely old man. He was small and wizened. He was wrinkled all over. Yet he seemed to have an appearance of boundless energy and ability, which was soon demonstrated as he leaped from the chair and bounded towards them, looking at them with his bright, fierce, pale blue eyes.

“Hmph,” he said, examining Kelda closely. Kelda stared back defiantely, chin tilted up and pointed towards him menacingly.

“Yes,” he breathed. “Yes, excellent.”

Kelda felt something touch her mind. She automatically began to push it out, but it dug in and reached through her. It was only then that she realized it was the old man in front of her. Master Mikenas.

“What are you doing?” she asked, outraged.

“I’m just looking,” he said. “Calm down.”

“Looking at what?” Kelda asked angrily.

“You,” he said simply. “Thank you for your cooperation. Goodbye.” He left.

Kelda wasn’t sure if he was being sarcastic or not. He sounded so straightforward and sincere when he said it.

“Now, what’s your name?” Master Mikenas asked.

“Kelda,” she said.

“Hello Kelda. I’m Master Mikenas. What would you do if I suddenly jumped out the window for no apparent reason? Right now?”

Kelda stared. “I would think that you were extremely stupid,” she said. “I might try to rescue you, if I thought I had any chance. Why, is this something you’re prone to doing or something?”

Master Mikenas smiled. “Excellent answer,” he said. “No, I’m not too fond of jumping out of windows for no apparent reason. Defenestrating myself isn’t really my favorite pastime. Defenestrating others, however, is practically an olympic sport with me.”

“Defenestrating?” Kelda asked.

“Throwing out the window,” Master Mikenas explained. “You should have gotten that from the context. Bad girl. Do better next time.”

Kelda nodded, confused. This man’s thoughts moved so quickly. They just flitted from thing to thing without stopping to make sure you understood. And yet somehow he did slow down. Kelda had the feeling his actual thoughts were going much faster.

“Excellent,” Master Mikenas said. “Deduction. Yes, most excellent. Intelligent. Yes, perfect. How about her power?”

Kelda was surprised. “He can read my mind?!” she thought desperately.

“No,” Master Mikenas said. “I didn’t read your mind. I simply deducted. Deducted and reasoned and guessed right! I figured out what you were thinking from the expression on your face, from my knowledge, however slight, of your character, from the previous events that had been going on in the room. I can read minds, but I rarely do. You will know when I’m reading your mind. I’ll always ask permission.”

“Oh, that’s nice,” Kelda said weakly.

“You can sit down if you would prefer to do so,” Master Mikinas said. “I understand you just had a rather strenuous game of zonkers.”

“So how do you know that?” she asked.

“It’s traditional,” he said simply. “How long did she hold you off, Fred?”

“Twenty minutes after the others dropped out,” Fred said.

Master Mikenas whistled. “Twenty minutes! Against a trained senior, top of his class. We need to watch out for this one, Fred.”

Fred laughed. “Oh yes,” he said. “She’s quite dangerous. Not only does she have the power, but I could quite easily see her using it.”

Kelda stuck her tongue out at him. He laughed and gestured towards it. “See what I mean?” he said to Master Mikenas.

Master Mikenas nodded. “Right,” he said. “Let’s get to it then! So Kelda, how much did they teach you?”

“Not much,” Kelda said. “Although apparently it was a quite impressive thing they taught us. I wouldn’t know obviously, but that’s what Maria seemed to think. We can go into other people’s minds and stuff.”

“We?” Master Mikenas asked.

“Aria and I,” Kelda explained. “My best friend from forever. She was my partner Listener.”

“Ah, I see.” Master Mikenas said. “I have heard of the Listeners. Mildly delusional, but harmless. No offense intended.”

“None taken,” Kelda said. “It seems that way to me too, now. Before though, I really believed in our cause, and I really believed it would help. I’m not sure why, it was just what I was told, and I believed it.”

“A common flaw in the average mindset,” Master Mikenas said, nodding. “It’s happened time and time again, and is still happening all over. People rarely rethink what they learned as small children.”

“Yeah,” Kelda agreed. “I just never really thought about it.”

“Well you’re here now,” Master Mikenas said, smiling.

“Yep,” Kelda said. “I guess I am. But what exactly am I doing here? I’m still not sure.”

“Stupid girl,” Master Mikenas said irritably. “Always know what’s going on. Or appear to, at the very least. Well, I’ll forgive you this once I suppose, and explain. We are a dying cause. Mostly because none of us are quite sure what the cause is any more. We need a strong leader. Some kind of infamous, almost legendary figure, somebody who can inspire hope and trust and loyalty. We believe that person is you. You have the power, certainly. You have the intelligence as well. We believe we also have the charisma and friendliness that a leader needs. We believe this of you. Do you believe it of yourself?”

“No,” Kelda said flatly. “Are you kidding? You want a freaking hero. A hero I most certainly am not.”

Master Mikenas managed to keep a straight face but his eyes twinkled madly. “Good,” he said. “Yes, very good. Where on earth did you find her, Fred?”

“I didn’t,” Fred said. “She was already here getting a tour with Maria and her friend Aria when we stopped to play zonkers. That’s when I decided to take her down to you.”

“Good thinking,” Master Mikenas said, twirling a pencil in his hands. “Kelda, who brought you?”

“You’ve already been in my mind,” she said. “Don’t you know?”

Master Mikenas sighed. “Kelda, please don’t act so childish. I looked at a very small part of your brain, the parts that told me your intelligence and character. That is all. I didn’t look at any of your history or your present thoughts. I did mention to you earlier that I would never, as you so concisely put it, “read your mind” without express permission. Now stop sulking and give me the facts I need.”

Kelda scowled. “Ishmael and Adair,” she said. “And Zor.”

“Ah yes. I know them well.” Master Mikenas was silent for a few seconds. Then he said, “Which one of them taught you?”

The pencil twirled around and around and around and around…it was fascinating to watch, for some reason. Kelda’s eyes were fixed on it. It was almost hypnotic.

Master Mikeans noticed. He stopped twirling the pencil. “Oh dear, I’m sorry,” he said absentmindedly. “What a stupid, forgetful old man I am. Wrong pencil.” He dug in his desk and took out another one, one that looked exactly the same.”

“What’s the difference?” Kelda asked suspiciously.

Master Mikenas certainly did not miss the suspicion in her voice. “No need to worry,” he reassured her. “This one is just an ordinary pencil. The other had mild hyptnotic powers attatched to it. It can be useful at times. I most certainly did not mean to hypnotize you, though. I’m extremely sorry about that. I just grabbed the wrong pencil, that’s all.”

“I wasn’t hypnotized,” Kelda said defiantely.

“No,” Master Mikenas said, studying her with his piercing blue eyes. “I don’t believe you were- completely. You were partially hypnotized, certainly. But your mind, I think, was mostly clear.”

“It was,” she muttered. Then, in a louder and clearer voice, she said, “Adair taught me how to get into people’s minds and suchlike. Ishmael was the one who taught me the ethics and principles involved in it. Zor didn’t teach me anything, we didn’t meet up with him until later. He sort of took charge once he arrived though. Not really with me specifically, just in general.”

Master Mikenas nodded again. “That is wise,” he said. “Adair is much more efficient at the practicality of higher level body transference, but he has, I fear, far less judgement than he should. Ishmael is much more cautious and definitely more polite. You are slightly shocked, I see, to hear me gossiping away about my friends like this. But it is not behind their back at all, I’ve pointed this out many times to their faces. I’m a blunt person, Kelda, and you’ll just have to get used to it. Extreme bluntness is, in fact, one of my few, excuse my immodesty, failings. However, I encourage it in small measure. Don’t ever be afraid to say what you think, to anyone.”

Kelda nodded, slightly bored now. Lessons on morality weren’t really what she had come for. But what had she come for? She didn’t know. She had just come, because they wanted her to, and she had nothing better to do. Well, now she was here. She was going to make it count, whatever she was doing. She was determined to live up to their expectations and more. Whatever it was they needed, she was ready.

“Excellent,” Master Mikenas said, noting the change in mood. “You will do it then? You will go through training and try to revitalize the Base?”

Kelda nodded.

“It won’t be easy,” Master Mikenas warned. “Training is commonly known as “Hell on Base” and even once you get past that, you’ll have to prove yourself in adventures and the like before you can even dream of running for Shakyia, or Leader.”

Kelda nodded again. She really didn’t have anything to say.

“Well then,” Master Mikenas said. “Good luck. I wish you well. Go finish your tour. I will give you a training schedule by tomorrow. Report here at my office tomorrow at eight o’clock sharp. You’ll be training under me personally in the mornings before classes, which are in the afternoon. Fred, make sure she knows the way here. Snyiah hya shamah, Kelda. Welcome to Base.

Kelda smiled. “Shall we go?” Fred asked, ushering her out the door. She followed him out into the hallway.

“So, what did you think of the infamous Master Mikenas?” Fred asked, grinning.

“Fred, we’re two steps from the door,” she said. “He can still hear us.”

“He doesn’t care what we say,” Fred said. “In fact, he likes us to talk about him within his hearing if we’re going to talk about him at all.”

“However, I don’t enjoy letting him know what I think of him,” Kelda said. “So let’s keep walking.”

A chuckle came from inside the room. Inside, Master Mikenas rubbed his eyes, laughing. Yes, the girl was perfect. He leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes, sighing in utter contentment. Tomorrow, the next stage of his plan would begin. He would enjoy this feeling of fulfillment as long as he could.

Just then, a bright purple duck walked in. “Quack?” it said quizzically, and left.