Riddle me this: how did two years pass without a new Jokes & Riddles thread?
Patience, Please
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Riddle me this: how did two years pass without a new Jokes & Riddles thread?
What do you call two banana peels? A pair of slippers!!!
That was the first joke I ever learned as a kid. I said it al the time after that.
(First post?)
oh
cool 2nd post?
I’ll be right back with a joke!
why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide! (not that funny, but cute)
Why does a giraffe eat so little? Because a little bit goes a long way!
I got that one published in Spider when I was 6.
Once there was this kid in kindergarten. He was learning his ABCs But he really needed to go to the bathroom. He raised his hand and asked his teacher, “Can I go to the bathroom?” the teacher said
“yes but only if you can tell me the first four letters of the ABCs.
The kid said “I don’t know the first 4 letters!” The teacher told him he could go but the next day he had to tell her the first four letters. He went, came out, and went home. His mom was really frustrated on the phone but he asked her, “what’s the first letter of the alphabet?”
Into the phone the mom said “SHUTUP STUPID!” Then the boy went to his sister who was listening to music and asked, “what’s the 2nd letter of the alphabet?”
“YAYAYAYAY!” She said singing along. He went to his brother who was watching batman and asked,” What’s the 3rd letter of the abcs?”
“DUH NUH NUH NA NUH NA BATMAN!” he sang. The boy went to his dad who REALLY had to go to the bathroom and asked, “what’s the 4th letter of the abcs?”his dad said “In the toilet! In the toilet!”
He went to school the next day and the teacher asked him, “so what are the first 4 letters?”
“SHUTUP STUPID!”
“do you want to go to the principles?”
“YAYAYAYAY!”
So he went to the principles office and the principle asked
“what’s your name?”
“DUH NUH NUH NAH NAH NUH BATMAN!”
“where do you live?”
“In the toilet! In the toilet!”
Where did the Rebel Alliance go to pray?
There were reports of them massing near Kessel!
*tells a joke*
*nobody gets it*
What falls but never breaks?
Someone has to guess before I tell…
Dadada…suspense…
This is probably my favorite joke in the whole world. (Maybe because I can’t remember any other ones. ) Somebody told this to me, and I think they said it was a commercial or something? Anyway:
There’s this family, and they own a parrot. One day, their sink breaks, and they call the plumber. Before he arrives, they decide to go to the mall (Or something. I can’t quite remember). The leave, and the plumber arrives shortly after. He knocks, and the parrot asks “Who is it?”. The plumber replies “It’s the plumber. I’ve come to fix the kitchen sink”. Silence. The parrot asks again, “Who is it?” And the plumber says “It’s the plumber, I’ve come to fix the kitchen sink” He waits. The bird asks again, “Who is it?”, and he yells “It’s the plumber, I’ve come to fix the kitchen sink!” This goes on for some time, and he eventually collapses on the front step. When the family returns, they stare at the unconscious plumber. Finally, one asks “Who is it?”. The parrot replies with “It’s the plumber! He’s come to fix the kitchen sink!”
Yes, I know. It’s my favorite joke… what can I say?
9- Silence?
11-Nope. I’m going to wait for a few more people to guess first.
9- night?
12- a leave?
12 – Seasons?
okay..this one doesnt really work typing but the first time I heard it I laughed for SO long…so obviously its bad..but hey!
Someone: *talkng about silent letters* the K in Know is silent
You: Yes! like the Q n Venezuela!
Sme1: Ye..What?there is no? hang? huh? what are?
You: hahahahaha
it made me laugh sooooooooo hard but like I said, it dosnt re-ally work typing but hey!
could you just tell us already, unintended pun! the Dadada…suspense… is killing me!
9-Snow.
snow breaks. end of discussion.
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Gosh, the only jokes I know are terrible!
The first person to anwer the following joke gets 100 TMFA Points! (TMFA Point=100 piepoints)
The Joke:
What Country makes you shiver?
21 – Chile.
Although, if using Google counts as cheating, then disqualify me.
22- here. take the points.
23 – Yay! I feel special! Let’s see…I got 100 TMFA points.
1 TMFA point = 100 pie points
100 TMFA points = 10,000 pie points?
Here’s a couple:
This thing all things devours:
Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;
Gnaws iron, bites steel;
Grinds hard stones to meal;
Slays king, ruins town,
And beats high mountain down.
No-legs lay on one-leg, two legs sat near on three legs, four legs got some.
An eye in a blue face
Saw an eye in a green face.
‘That eye is like to this eye’
Said the first eye,
‘But in low place
Not in high place.’
Alive without breath,
As cold as death;
Never thirsty, ever drinking,
All in mail never clinking
It cannot be seen, cannot be felt,
Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.
It lies behind stars and under hills,
And empty holes it fills.
It comes first and follows after,
Ends life, kills laughter.
A box without hinges, key or lid,
Yet golden treasure inside is hid.
Bonus points if anybody can indentify the source of these riddles. And, knowing MBers, someone will know it.
And no Google allowed.
13-Yes! Very good!
24- They’re from the Hobbit.
1. Time
2. A fish lay on a little table, a man sat near on a stool, and the cat got the leftovers.
3. Sun on the daisies!
4. Fish
5. It’s either silence or darkness, I can’t remember.
6. Eggsssss…
17 – It’s darkness, technically, but in my opinion silence works better.
And yes, they’re from The Hobbit. I kind of figured that at least one MBer here remembered those.
(28) You can break silence, however.
Now reverse it: What breaks but never falls?
29 – Doesn’t matter, does it?
And it’s silence, right?
If not… ?_?
Silence can fall.
29- Day.
31 – Oh yeah…
I think I remember this now. Isn’t it the sunrise or something like that?
29- Day? Daybreak?
I don’t know a whole lot of riddles, but I used to collect jokes by the gazzilions.
Here’s a good one, forgive any spelling errors on my part, if you please…
There once was s farmer whose wife was always correcting him. One day he said to his wife, “My friend Billy is coming over today.”
“Oh, don’t cal him ‘Billy,’ call him William!’ She scolded.
After visiting and looking over the fields for awhile, the farmer said, “I’d like to tel you a tale.”
The wife hissed from across the room, “Don;t call it a tale, call it an anecdote!”
Later that night, after the friend had left, our farmer tells his wife he’s going to put out the light.
“Don’t say ‘put out,’ say extinguish!” She corrects him again.
Later that night the wife wakes him up, saying there was a strange noise downstairs and to go see what it was.
A few moments later the farmer returns. “Well, what was it?” She asked.
The farmer then replied carefully, “It was a William goat, which I took by the anecdote, and extingushed.”
If you’ve seen National Treasure, you may not answer this riddle.
The legend writ, the stain affected.
The key in Silence undetected.
Fifty-five in iron pen,
Mr. Matlack can’t offend.
This one is from Harry potter and the Goblet of fire, so all that remember the answer please don’t answer. spoiler for goblet of fire
first think of the person who lives in disguise,
who deals in secrets and tells naught but lies.
Next tell me whats always the last thing to mend,
the middle of middle and the end of end?
And finally give the sound often heard,
during the search for a hard to find word.
Now string them together and answer me this,
which creature would you be unwilling to kiss?
this creature actually exists. it is not a Harry Potter creature.
Hey beavo, what’s the question in the riddle of yours
In the school cafeteria, the lunch lady asked, “any complaints?” “Yes”, said Justin, “the peas are as hard as rocks.” The lunch lady picked up one of the peas from Justin’s plate and popped it in her mouth. “They seem soft enough to me.” She said. “I should hope so!” Said Justin, “I’ve been chewing them for the last 10 minutes!!”
that one was from “this book is a joke” (good joke book)
36- I like that riddle.
Who in literature killed the most chickens?
Macbeth, because he murdered most foul.
36- Man, I love that movie!
The answer to post number 39 is…suspense… a spider. The person who lives in disguise is a spy. The last thing to mend, the middle of middle and the end of end is d. The sound often heard in the search for a hard to find word is er. spy+d+er=spider:!:
Some tourists were walking in the graveyard where Mozart was buried; they heard a strange noise being emitted by his grave
Tourist:what is that strange noise?
Guide: Oh…thats just Mozart decomposing
note: as in composing but not…
good joke, but kinda yucky\gross
all the jokes i know are racial and bigoted. sorry! like: polish jokes, mexican jokes, irish jokes and all the rest. or dead baby jokes…
Who lives at the national aquarium?
Jaws Bush!
What walks on 4 legs at dawn, 2 at midday, and 3 at dusk?
2 spdzk points for anyone who knows where this is from and answers it.
48~ A person, using four legs is crawling, two is walking and three is using a cane. The question came from the Sphynx that Oedipus saved the city of Thebes from. No?
Oh sorry for the double post but NO GOOGLE on 48! Think and get spdzk points!
Here you go…a bad pickup line to try not to be a PoPo…
Are you wearing spacepants?, because your butt is out of this world.
50~ I didn’t google it, but I did chack the city in a magazine that recently did an article on Sphinxes. Does that count or no then?
Ok, so one time, this man goes into the veterinarian’s office with his sick bird.
“Doc, I think something’s wrong with this bird!”
“Ok. I’ll run a few tests and tell you what comes up.”
SO, the vet brings in this orange tabby cat. It looks the bird over, glances at the vet and gives a pitiful mew.
The man looks quite puzzled.
The vet then brings in a chocolate Lab. It also looks the bird over and howls mournfully.
So, the vet turns to the man and informs him the bird will die and he owes him $100.
“WHY?” The man asked.
“Well, I gave him a cat scan and a lab test and both showed he will die. It’s $75 for a CAT scan and $25 for a Lab test.”
49/51 (Midnight Fiddler)-That counts! 2 spdzk points to you!
here’s a good joke,
One day a man walks into a bar and sees a pirate sitting at one of the tables. The pirate has a wooden leg, a hook and an eyepatch. The man goes up to the pirate and says “how did you get your wooden leg?” The pirate replies “well, I was fishing on the deck when a shark bit it off.” Then how did you get your hook?” The man asked “well, I was fighting an enemy captain when he cut it off with his sword.” the pirate replied. The man then asked “how did you get your eyepatch?” The pirate said “well a bird pooped in my eye.” “But that’s not enough to blind you.” The man said. “yeah, but I wasn’t used to the hook yet”
54- That joke had a really weird effect on me.
Did you hear about the ghost who had lots of medals?
No, what did he win them for?
Dead-ication!
Why was the really good bowler terrible at baseball?
Because there’s three strikes and you’re out!
Also, a duck walks into a bar and says, “Got any grapes?” The bartender says, “No. (I won’t tell what he did have or this post might get blocked.)” The same thing happens the next day. Later, the duck walks in again and says, “Got any grapes?” The bartender says, “No, and if you ask that again, I’ll nail your bill to the wall!” The duck walks in the next day and says, “Got any nails?” The bartender says, “No.” The duck say, “OK, got any grapes?”
Who likes it (or them)?
53~ Thanks!
54~ I like that one.
58~ It’s amusing.
a guy walks into a bar and says, “ow!”
49-51- I know that one! I heard it from a greek mythology book….. There was a sphinx outside a city and the people were terrified and no one could come in or come out. Then Oedipus came and the sphinx said, “You must answer this riddle, if you answer right than you shall pass, but if you answer wrong than I shall eat your head.” He asked the riddle and Oedipus said, “it’s a human, as a baby they crawl, as a man they walk on to legs, and as an elderly man they walk on two legs and a cane.”
An intern is bothering the doctor he is supposed to job shadow.
The intern asks “Doctor, how long is it possible to live without a brain?”
The doctor says “I don’t know, how old are you?”
61~ Yup.
There was this guy who wanted to buy some brains, so he goes into the store and asks the shopkeeper for the prices. The shopkeeper replies that they just got some very nice musician’s brains. “Guitarist’s brains are 5 dollars a pound, pianist’s brain is 6 dollars a pound and violinist’s brains are 75 dollars a pound.”
“Good heaven’s!! Why are violinist’s brains so expensive?!?!”
“Listen mister, do you realize how many violinists it take to get a pound of brains?!”
(Yes, I’m qualified to tell that joke, I play violin.)
Here, I’ve got one…
Student: Excuse me, I have to use the bathroom Mrs. Imetadudie!!
Mrs. Imetadudie: First tell me all the letters of the alphabet.
Student: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z!!!
Mrs. Imetadudie: Where is the P?
Student: Running down my leg!
A doctor tells a guy that he will die unless he gets a brain transplant. The guy asks how much it will cost.
“Well, a doctor’s brain costs one million dollars, a rocket scientist’s brain costs six million dollars, and Mr. Joe’s brain costs nine million dollars.”
“Why does Mr. Joe’s brain cost nine million dollars?”
“Never been used.”
Hello! Anyone like my jokes?
Oh, whoops, Midnight Fiddler! I didn’t see you there!
36-SO SORRY, I Googled it. The initials of it are D. O. I., and it has to do with our country.
44-Gary Larson sketched a comic panel of The Far Side with that exact joke, but it never got published.
Take away the whole and some still remains. What is it?
70- a doughnut or bagel.
66 – The duck joke is my dad’s favorite joke. And my mom
hates itthinks it’s really stupid. =DAnd I have no riddles. =/
72-It’s one of my dad’s favorite jokes too.
Funny and true speech:
“I’m a lot like Kitty Pryde from the X-Men. We’re both nearsighted and burnette, smart, shy, and younger than most of our friends.
And the walking through walls thing… Yeah, I’m working on that.”
Funny, yet absolutely true fact:
Greenpeace recently named a rescued whale…
Mr. Splashy Pants!
My mom doesn’t get why that’s funny. But, come on, just look at it!
My teacher told us some riddles today.
Easy:
1. A man walks into a room and sees water, broken glass and Bill, dead on the floor. How did Bill die?
Medium:
2. A man walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The bartender comes back and points a gun to his head. The man says thanks and leaves. Why did he say thanks?
Hard:
3. Two scientists are doing experiments in the middle of the desert. They are walking and find two bags filled with sand. They keep walking for another 10 miles and find a bunch of clothes strewn everywhere. They keep walking and find a man dead with no clothes on holding part of a match. How did the man die?
76-
1- did he choke on the water?
2- hiccups?
3- ?!?!?!
1-A dollar bill (dead presidents)
2-Hiccups
3-He was frozen?
78- Does number three have something to do with a hot air balloon?
76:
1) Bill is a goldfish. He died when his tank smashed on the floor.
2) The man had the hiccups.
3) The man lit the hot air balloon, the hydrogen gas caught on fire, exploded, and the man died.
See, I’m smart.
80– 1 and 2 are right but 3 is wrong but it does have something to do with a hot air balloon.
81 – I think I know now.
3) The man’s hot air balloon was falling, so he pitched all his clothes overboard to lighten the weight, and when that didn’t work, tried to relight the flame, it exploded, and he died.
82– Close. I’ll give you a hint. There was another person in the hot air balloon.
3. Two scientists are doing experiments in the middle of the desert. They are walking and find two bags filled with sand. They keep walking for another 10 miles and find a bunch of clothes strewn everywhere. They keep walking and find a man dead with no clothes on holding part of a match. How did the man die?
Well, I think the first man pitched all of their clothes (and the sandbags) overboard when the balloon started to go down. The second man said something like, “Whatever, we’ll die, let’s light up.” So they did, the Hydrogen gas caught alight, blew up… well, you know the rest.
84- Nothing blew up. The match could have been a straw.
4-Where did you hear that? I made that one up when I was three!
I also made up/got published in Highlights for Children: How do you make a milkshake? Jump up behind it and say, “Boo!”
Where does water keep its money?
A surprise amount of piepoints to anyone who guesses right!
What does a scardey-cat drink?
(Look at my last post)
85-Since it said he was only holding part of the match, was it the part you hold, and not the part that is lit? Then he wouldn’t have been able to light the ballon anyway.
Ooh there were post being moderated during my last one!
87-In the riverbank of course!
88-Milkshakes?
Nerdy joke:
Why did the tube worms wear all black?
They were emosynthetic.
(Tube worms are Chemosynthetic, meaning they live off the heat produced by volcanic deep water vents)
90- Well, the first one is right, but the second one isn’t what I had in mind. You get 12 1/2 for the first one, but keep guessing! Hint: oppisite of coffee.
If any of you noticed, I shortened my name.
FARMER: Do you come in peace?
CRASHED COSMONAUT: No, I come in space capsule.
OK, so there’s this guy, and he works at a fish shop. He’s kind of new, not that much expirience, and he’s pretty dumb. So, a customer walks up.
“Are these fish fresh?” asks the customer.
“I dunno.” says the guy. So the customer walks away. Then the manager walks out.
“NO NO NO, you say, ‘fresh fresh fresh, aaaal ways fresh!'” Screamed the manager. So the guy says ok, and he goes back to work. Another customer walks up.
“are these fish fresh?”
“Fresh fresh fresh, aaaaalways fresh!”
“Are they cheap?”
“I dunno.”
So the same thing happens, only the manager says to say ‘cheap cheap cheao, aaaaaalways cheap!’
So another customer walks up.
“Are these fish fresh?”
“Fresh fresh fresh, aaaaalways fresh!”
“Are they cheap?”
“Cheap cheap cheap, aaaaaalways cheap!”
“Should I buy them?”
“I dunno.”
So it happens AGAIN, except this time the manager says to say ‘quick, before somebody else does!’
So next this guy dressed all in black, with a bloody ax over his shoulder comes in.
“So, boy, you gonna make this easy for yourself, or are you gonna be fresh wiht me?”
“fresh fresh fresh, aaaaaalways fresh!”
“Are you being cheap with me???”
“Cheap cheap cheap, aaaaaalways cheap!”
“Do you want me to cut off your head?!!??”
“Quick, before somebody else does!”
A Martian lands in Washington D.C. and goes up to a woman on the street. He asks
“How do you get to the White House?”
She says “You have to campaign for it like everybody else!”
I have a buch of GWB jokes, but i’m not really sure thay would be appropriate… Robert might be part of the FBI or something…
A short and funny scene:
BILL: hmmm “Send this chain letter to fifty people or the forces of darkness will get you.” Get me? Get me what? A soda? I’d like it if the forces of darkness would get me a soda.
A guy is afraid to come home because of the masked man. Who is the masked man and what situation is he in? I don’t have any points to give away but answer anyway.
The masked man is a man wearing a mask. Duh.
What do a duck and a bicycle have in common?
My teacher told us more riddles!
Two people were walking in the middle of the woods. They come across a cabin in very bad condition. They look inside and see twenty or so dead people. How did the people die?
Then there was another one but it’s better to say it aloud than to write it, but I’ll do it anyway.
There is a plane with half American passengers, and half Canadian passengers. It crashes right on the border of the U.S. and Canada. Where do you bury the suvivors?
No one has answered number 3 on post 76 yet.
100- Roof collapse?
You don’t bury survirors!
People, what do a duck and a bicycle have in common???
If a rooster lays an egg on a roof right between two farms, who gets the egg? (this is a lot like the one in post 100)
102~ I have no idea. It’s probably obvious, but I can’t imagine.
They both might honk? If the bicycle has a bell…
WHEELS, EXCEPT FOR THE DUCK!!!! [dies laughing]
103- :eyeroll: Roosters don’t lay eggs.
84- ” ‘Whatever, we’ll die, let’s light up !’ ” haha! funny
Atom #1: Oh no! I think I just lost an electron!
Atom #2: Uh oh! Are you sure?
Atom #1: I’m positive!
107 – Yeah. I was bored.
106~ Yup.
I can’t think of any at the moment…..*thinks* noppe. Later maybe.
107- I am officially declaring myself a geek for just almost wetting my pants at that.
How did R2-D2 intimidate 3PO?
He made him an offer he couldn’t re-fuse.
111- HAHAHAno.
Why the Chicken Crossed the Road…In the Words of the Star Wars Characters
VADER: Because it could not resist the power of the Dark Side.
YODA: Crossing the road makes not a chicken great.
LUKE: Crossing the road is one thing, this is…. totally different.
LUKE: I want to follow the ways of the chicken and cross the road like my father.
LEIA: I don’t know… but I have a bad feeling about this.
HAN: Hurry up, colonel sanders, or you’re gonna be a permanent resident!
THREEPIO: I am fluent in over six million ways of crossing the road.
R2D2: beep beep be bop.
CHEWIE: Gwrrroooooaaaarrrrrrlllllll!
BEN: Cross the road, chicken. Let go, chicken. Chicken – trust me.
BOBA FETT: What if the chicken doesn’t survive? He’s worth a lot to me!
WEDGE: My scope shows the other side but it looks really far, are you sure you can cross it?
JERJERROD: The chicken is crossing the road? We shall double our efforts.
BIB: Die chicken wanga?
BIGGS: At that speed, will you be able to cross in time?
TARKIN: The regional governors now have direct control over their chickens. Fear will keep those chickens in line… fear of getting hit by a car!
UNCLE OWEN: I told you to forget it. You’re only concern is to cross that road.
AUNT BERU: He can’t stay here forever. Most of his friends have already crossed. It means so much to him.
ADMIRAL ACKBAR: All chickens – prepare to cross the road on my mark
LANDO: Why you slimy, no good, double-crossing chicken!! You got a lot of guts crossing that road, after what you pulled!
EMPEROR: Young fool. Only now, after getting hit by a car do you understand.
JABBA: Bo shuda chicken!
(While not strictly a joke, it fits with the current conversation, no?)
113- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
144 – I found that on the Internet and thought you might appreciate it.
113-
Queen Amidlai: This is my decoy, my bodyguard, to cross roads.
113- Anakin- I want…more than that chicken crossing the road. He’s more powerful than that.
What do you get when you cross an otter and a duck?
…
I don’t know, but it would be otterly reduckulous!
Tim: Why did we have to go on vacation in the Arctic?
Mark: Don’t you like ice?
Tim: Yes, I like ice. In my drink. On a tropical island.
76: Here is the answer to number 3: A man and his friends are in a hot air balloon. The balloon starts losing air, so the man and his friends draw straws after throwing their clothes out of the balloon to lighten the load. The man gets the short straw, so he jumps out of the balloon and dies. I have no idea what happen to the other people in the balloon.
100: It was an airplane cabin, it crashed.
98:He’s playing baseball.
I love riddles!
113 –
I agree.
Cross the road, chicken. Let go, chicken. Chicken – trust me.
118 – Um…
119 –
Friend: If you got sent back to the airport in your underpants on the day you knew there was going to be an airplane hijacking, what would you do?
Me: Oh, that’s easy. Run up to a guard, point at the hijackers and shout “Arrest those guys, they stole my clothes!”
How many spies does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to look for hidden microphones.
How many radioactive mutants does it take to change a light bulb?
They don’t need to, they glow in the dark.
(This is weird. It’s actually a skit.)
Mommy, why did you call me Daisy?
Because when you were little, a daisy fell on your head!
Mommy, Why did you call me Petunia?
Because when you were little, a petunia fell on your head!
gdfjfdhgsjhghfreroityuasjdn
Shut up, Concrete.
A mother and her three daughters are in the car.
Zinc, you made me laugh. Heee heeee heeee!
127- Good. I like making people laugh. You can change concrete to anything you like, like car, or atomic bomb.
126- That is a good one!
126 – Good one!
TRUE STORY:
Someone was reading an Apple magazine for no particular reason as my friends and I were milling around him. Someone said:
“Oh look, Jordan’s reading his Playboy!”
Okay. It wasn’t THAT good, but it was HILARIOUS in real life.
So, there is a magician performing on a cruise ship. Because the audience is different every week, he does the same tricks over and over. But the captain’s parrot sees every show, and he begins to figure out how the tricks are done. The magician doesn’t want the parrot to continue saying, “Hey look, the ace is up his sleeve!” or anything like that. But the parrot doesn’t pay any attention and continues telling the audience how the tricks are done.
One day, the cruise ship hits a rock and sinks, and the magician and the parrot are stuck with each other. After three days of staring angrily at each other, the parrot finally speaks up. “Okay, I give up. Where’s the boat?”
Maybe this thread would get more publicity if you called it MuserHumor- to the Extreme
I found this on the Internet.
One fine day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight,
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other.
One was blind and the other couldn’t see
So they chose a dummy for a referee.
A blind man went to see fair play,
A mute man went to shout “hooray!”
A paralyzed donkey passing by,
Kicked the blind man in the eye,
Knocked him through a nine mile wall,
Into a dry ditch and drowned them all,
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
And came to arrest the two dead boys.
If you don’t believe this story’s true
Ask the blind man: he saw it too!
This thread has died.
Cowboy Dan was a real cowboy, from the tippy- top of his ten-gallon hat (which actually holds less than a gallon) to the point of his pointy cowboy boots. But there was one thing he was missing- a horse! So he went to the only town within 100 miles and went to the only horse dealer in that town. He asked the horse dealer if he could buy a horse. “Wellâ€, said the horse dealer, “I only have one horse left and he is a very strange horse.†“Why is it so strange?†asked Cowboy Dan. “He only starts when you say ‘Thank Goodness’ and only stops when you say ‘Tom Cruise’â€. “That doesn’t sound very strange†said Cowboy Dan. “I’ll take it.†He bought the horse, said “thank goodness†and went riding off into the sunset. But he rode off so far that he was getting very close to the edge of a cliff! “Whoa boy!†The horse didn’t stop. “STOP HORSEY STOP!!!!†The horse didn’t stop “Movie star movie star… BRITNEY SPEARS!!!†Didn’t stop. “LINDSEY LOHAN!!!†Didn’t stop. “JOHNEY DEPP!!!†Didn’t stop. After a long while of this, at the very edge of the cliff… “TOM CRUISE!!!!†The horse stopped. “Phew!†said Cowboy Dan. “Thank goodness!â€
*laughs hysterically*
*is happy* The thread is alive again.
Irony:
I typed “NASA” into the search bar on a Wiki and got this hit-
KataNAS Are…
CINDERBLOCK!!!
*cracks up*
Oh….I should probably post the joke before the punchline….
hang on a minute….
3 baby cows, one mama cow. First baby cow says, “Mama, why am I named Rose?”
“because a rose petal fell on your head when you were born.”
Second baby cow says, “Mama, why am I named Daisy?”
“because a daisy petal fell on your head when you were born.”
Third baby cow says “BLBBALABHLABHALHBLAHBA!”
“Shut up, Cinderblock!”
*cracks up againI* Best joke EVER.
And here we have………a real 18th century joke!!!!!! (Not kidding, it comes from a great little book called Joe Miller’s Jests, published in London in 1711 [I think])
“Two free thinking authors proposed to a bookseller, who was a little decayed in the world, that if he would print their works, they would set him up and indeed they were as good as their word, for in six months time he was in the pillory.”
The italics are in the original, and that’s the closest wording I can remember.
96–Tell ’em anyways
Why did the baby cross the road?
Because it was stapled to the chicken.
138- Oi! That’s my joke.
Why the chicken crossed the road debate
Oliver Stone:
The question is not “Why did the chicken cross the road? But is rather, “Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?”
Darwin:
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.
Martin Luther King, Jr.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Grandpa:
In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Albert Einstein:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Ernest Hemingway:
To die in the rain. Alone.
The Bible:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Dr. Seuss:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes the chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I’ve not been told!
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!
ANDERSON COOPER – CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra…#@&&^(C% …….. reboot.
COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road…
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on ‘THIS’ side of the road before it goes after the problem on the ‘OTHER SIDE’ of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his ‘CURRENT’ problems before adding ‘NEW’ problems.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
GRANDPA:
In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he’s GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
Chicken:
What? The pig crosses the road and no one notices. But I cross the road and now it’s a Federal case already?
143- HAHAHAHA!!! ♥ it!
143 –
HILARIOUS!!!!
144- Yeah, my friend sent it to me and I thought you guys would like it. It’s halarious!
This thread is dead.
141-Stapled? *mildly creeped out*
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer’s file and called him into his office. “Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you’re ready to go home. I’m only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck.” “Oh, he didn’t kill himself,” Mr. Haroldson replied. “I hung him up to dry.”
Know any psychiatrists, by any chance?
No.
Did anyone get my magician on a cruise ship joke?
Why is a tree better than a watchdog?
Because it’s got more bark!
150 – I do. It’s funny.
A mathematician and an engineer are taking a psychology test in which they have to make tea. The engineer goes first. He’s taken into the first room, where everything is put away, where he takes out the kettle, puts water in the kettle, puts the kettle on the stove, turns the stove on, takes out the teabags, etc. Then he’s taken into the second room, with a kettle whistling on the stove and a teacup out with teabag in it. He pours the boiling water into the cup like he’s supposed to. Then, it’s the mathematician’s turn. He does the same thing as the engineer in the first room, but in the second room, he turns the stove off, pours out the water, dries off the kettle, puts the kettle away, puts the teabag away, and puts the cup away, and says “I’m done. I’ve reduced to the previous case.”
so, a man is driving to his vacation in new york, where he is planning to visit the empire states building, and see a baseball game, which he would wear a red sox cap to, and be subsequently beat up, and could sue, thus paying for his trip. anyway, he is driving on a scenic route, and he spills a bottle of soda on his eyes accidently, which makes him go careening off the road into a forest.
when he crash lands on the ground, he is lost.
so he walks away from his burning car, and into the forest, near lakes, and streams, hills and valleys, and even a few government testing sites… he now has three eyes.
when suddenly he comes upon a monastary, the monks welcome him in, to stay for a few weeks. so he stays…
but every night, every 8.768301676936590274265936585376267 seconds, he hears a strange thud… after two days he can’t stand it anymore, and asks a monk what it is…
the monk says “only monks are allowed to know what it is.”
overwhelmed with curiosity, he travels the world, and spends 30 years becoming a monk.
once he finally is a monk, he visits the monastary, and he is led to a small, wooden door, beautifully covered with paintings, and engravings of the world.
he thinks “wow, this is the nicest door i’ve ever seen, it must be worth at least 20 grand…”
so he walks up some stairs, and down some stairs, up some stairs, and down some stairs, until he reaches a large steel door on the shape of the monastary its self, and he thinks “wow… … …” so he goes through the door, and up some stairs, and down some stairs, up some stairs, and down some stairs, and finally reaches a huge silver door with a gold lining, and a diamond knob, the size of his fist, with a platinum key hole.
“this door is worth billions, even trillions” he thought, and walked through it.
and then he saw what explained everything…
want me to tell you what it is?
drumroll please
ratatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatatattatatta
Enough!
I cant tell you, you’re not a monk!
138- It is!
Who lives at the National Aquarium?
Jaws Washington!
Dead thread! But, I couldn’t resist with this one…
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!” He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
XD It reminds me of Robert, for some strange reason…
154- You’re right; very Robert-like.
A man, let’s call him Bob, was walking along when he saw a man with a briefcase and a laptop sitting on a bench. He went up to the man, and asked, “Excuse me sir, are you an attorney?” “Yes.” The man replied. “What’s your fee?” Bob said. “A thousand dollars for every four questions.” the attorney replied. “Isn’t that terribly expensive?” Bob said. The attorney said,”Yes. What’s your fourth question?”
STUPID BLOND JOKE ALERT!!!
Three blonds walked into a bar. Funny, you think one of them would have ducked.
A man named Fred went to see his doctor. The doctor looks him over and says, “You’ve got ten to live.” Fred said, “Ten what? Weeks? Months? Years?” “10, 9, 8, 7….”
A termite walks into a bar and says, “Is the bar tender here?”
Another stupid blond joke.
Superman, Batman, Robin, Spider-Man, Iron Man, and a smart blond are in a room. In the middle of the room is a briefcase with all the money in the world in it. Who gets the briefcase? Answer: None of them, because none exist.
*faints at badness of joke*
Why did Tigger look in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!
For some odd reason I always cracked up when I heard that when I was little.
Top Ten Signs You Won’t Win “American Idol”
From the Late Show with David Letterman
10. You dedicate “I Will Always Love You” to Saddam Hussein
9. Backstage, people say, “Are you still here?”
8. North Korea says if you lose they’ll stop producing enriched uranium
7. Your mother says, “You’re okay, but I’m really a big fan of Ruben”
6. You were recently named the three of clubs on the “Most Wanted Iraqi” playing cards
5. You’ve already appeared on another reality show — “Cops”
4. Vegas gives you the same odds of winning it all as the Mets
3. You cancel your performance to stay home and watch “Jag”
2. Simon beats you with the microphone stand
1. Your voice is muffled by the SARS mask
AND another one…
One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver’s side door with him standing right there. “NOOO!” he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. “MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!” he exclaimed. “Your a lawyer aren’t you?” asked the policeman. “Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!” the lawyer asked. “HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn’t even notice that your left arm is missing did you?” the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed “MY ROLEX!”
Last one, which I think is kinda funny.
TOP TEN BAD THINGS ABOUT HAVING A SUMMER TIME SHARE WITH DARTH VADER…
10. Claims those long-distance calls to the Death Star aren’t his.
9. Uses Jedi powers to shake up your root beer right before you open it.
8. He’s always accusing you of hiding his asthma inhaler.
7. Claims he paid you the rent “a long, long time ago.”
6. Dances around in nothing but cape and cowboy hat while doing “Darth Brooks” routine.
5. For once he could use Force to lift his wet towel off the couch.
4. That scary music that plays when he enters a room gets old real fast.
3. You feel like an idiot saying, “No, Darth isn’t here. He’s on the ice planet Hoth.”
2. Not easy cleaning burnt Ewok fur off the barbecue grill.
1. Constantly doing his lame James Earl Jones impression.
THIS THREAD IS UP FOR REVIVAL.
How many dogs does it take to a change light bulb?
Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
Rottweiler:
Make me.
Lab:
Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Boxer:
Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark……
Irish Wolfhound:
Can somebody else do it? I’ve got this hangover…..
German Shepherd:
I’m not trained to change bulbs, just to guard the house. So don’t try anything!
There was this man named bob who walked into a bar. He notices a pirate with a wooden leg, a hook, and an eyepatch. He goes over to the pirate and asks him how he got the wooden leg. “Ah, I was fishing when a shark bit off.” “Wow.” The man said, “So how did you get your hook?” “I was battling an enemy captain when he cut it off with his sword.” “So how did you get your eyepatch?” The man finally asked. “A bird pooped in me eye” The pirate said. “Well thats not enough to blind you.” The man said. THe pirate replied, “Aye, but it was me first day with my hook.”
Three men work at the top of the Empire State Building. One day, one of them says, “If I get a ham sandwich again, I’m going to jump off this building!” Second guy says, “If I get a cheese sandwich again, I’m going to jump off this building!” Third guy says, “If I get a peanut butter and jelly sandwich again, I’m going to jump off this building!” So the next day, they all get the sandwiches they didn’t want, and jump off the building and die. Their wives are at the scene. First guy’s wife is crying. “If I hadn’t packed him a ham sandwich, he’d still be alive!” Second guy’s wife is also crying. “If I hadn’t packed him a cheese sandwich, he’d still be alive!” Third guy’s wife is laughing. “He packed his own lunch!”
Sorry for the double post. I found this joke elsewhere on MuseBlog.
Q. How many MuseBloggers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Sixteen:
One to bring a ladder, stand on the bottom rung, and yell, “This light bulb is dead!â€
One to make a Stupid Senseless Smiley Story about light bulbs that turn into hot-pink bunnies.
One to insist that the blog should install a compact fluorescent bulb to reduce its carbon footprint.
One to say that that’s not necessary, because global warming is a hoax.
One to wonder whether she should ask for a new light bulb or sit still and smile at one until it notices her.
One to post the 10,000-word opening chapter of a saga about the quest for the legendary Light bulb of Doom.
One to arrive with a new light bulb, climb the ladder, unscrew the old bulb, screw in the new one, descend, and leave.
One to dash up the ladder, touch the new bulb, and yell, “FIRST TOUCH!!!â€
One to point out that that touch was pointless.
Three to splatter the new light bulb with welcome pies.
Three to stand there and laugh at all the others.
And, finally, a GAPA to log in an hour later and moderate the change so the light can come on.
161- hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A person is in a dungeon with 2 rooms, and in his room there are three lightswitches. In the other room there is one lightbulb. If he can figure out which switch turns on the lightbulb, his captors will let him out. He figures it out, and is let out.
How did he do it?
162: He had and idea about a lightswitch, and a lightbulb appeared over his head. I don’t know.
do you want to hear the answer? if so, read on. if not, look away.
Hint: he can keep track of time.
He turns on the first switch, leaves it on for a while, then turns it off and turns on the second switch and quickly enters the room. If the light is off but it’s hot, then its the first switch. If it’s on, then its the second switch. If its off and cold, then its the third swich.
dead thread. Need new one GAPAs
*comes to haunt the dying thread*
maybe I should call myself “The ghost of threads past” ???
How do you put a giraffe in a freezer ?
You open the door, put it in and shut the door.
There is an assembly of all the animals. Who isn’t there?
1. The giraffe. It’s still in the freezer !
2. The unicorn. It doesn’t exist
3. The dodo. It’s extinct
4. The HPB. It’s to busy achieving world domination
5. The wung. Even if it is an animal an if it did come, no-one would recognize it
You need to cross a wide river to get home. Crocs live in it, there is no boat and no bridge. How do you cross ?
You swim. The crocs are still at the assembly (crocodiles)
You swim. C’mon, you aren’t afraid of SHOES, are you ? (crocs as in the filp-flops)
This was a classic at my old school.
Would someone please help me? For my science project bibliography I need the name of the author of The Locked Door and my rogue little brother has stolen my Muse and now I can not find it. Please look in your October Muse and find me the name of that author or I shall send my pineapple devouring cows to attack the blog.
167-Malcolm Gladwell. He also wrote the “Are You Prejudiced?” article ages ago.
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you have multiple personalities, press 1. No, 2! No, he’s lying, press 1! No, don’t listen to him, press 2!
If you are schizophrenic, listen closely and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are paranoid, please wait while we track down your address, Social Security number, and all your credit cards.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer anyway.
169 – Hahahaha. I love that.
Easy riddle: What question should you not ask if you value your life?
171- Pw*tty Pw**se?
(171) “Hello, Mr. Sentient Hot-Pink Bunny. Will you be my friend?”
171–“Wait–Star Wars? Is that supposed to be a good movie or something?” (A direct quote from my friend, by the way).
Also in the Star Wars vein, I found something recently called Pants Wars, where basically someone took a bunch of famous lines from Star Wars and inserted “pants” in random places. Here are a few of my favorites (they still make me laugh out loud):
-We’ve got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.
-I find your lack of pants disturbing.
-TK-421. . . Why aren’t you in your pants?
-Lock the door. And hope they don’t have pants.
-I sense the conflict within you. Let go of your pants!
And my favorite…
I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch!” he says. Okay, that was lame.
174- That can’t be as bad as “Star Wars That’s What She Saids”
173- That’s true…I’ve thought better of saying the answer I had in mind, which made a bitterly sarcastic remark about bias, Israel, and the media. *runs away screaming in fear*
Here’s a really tasteless joke.
What goes clop clop clop clop clop clop BANG BANG clop clop clop?
173- I think GAPA Robert got it.
Psychiatrist joke:
What do you call a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?
Someone who stays up all night, contemplating the existence of Dog.
This thread has died.
*mourns dead riddle thread* Someone come over here, please!