Robert writes:
Last week, astronomers discovered a planet orbiting the star closest to Earth, Alpha Centauri. With an orbital period of three days, it’s much too hot to support life, but astronomers plan to take a closer look at the star in hope of finding a planet in its habitable zone.
In fact, I happen to know that there is such a planet. Not only does it support life, but it is home to an advanced civilization.
The planet is called Yex. In elementary school, starting in third grade, I drew reams of comic books about Earth people who had adventures there in the year A.D. 2298. Decades before Star Wars and years before Star Trek, my heroes (job description: astronauts/scientists/detectives/spies) rocketed into space to brave its many dangers:
(I didn’t have much artistic ability and lacked the patience to make good use of the meager talent I did have. In my imagination, however, my comic books all looked as if they had been drawn by my favorite illustrator, Jack Kirby.)
Galactic exploration was just beginning in 2298. Fortunately, an early expedition to Alpha Centauri — just 4.3 light-years away! — found extraterrestrial life, including hairless cloven-footed doglike quadrupeds called zamboons:
(Sorry about that zamboon. I drew better ones, but that’s all I could find.)
More astonishing, the planet also supported an alien civilization, the Yexians: humanoids with weird eyes and telepathy (a handy way around the language barrier). Humans and Yexians didn’t get along very well at first, but eventually they established diplomatic relations, and my human heroes were dispatched to escort the new Yexian ambassador to Earth. On arrival, they were shocked to find that while they were in hyperspace or suspended animation or however I got them there, a global plague had devastated Yexian civilization. The Yexian ambassador’s futile attempt to conceal the magnitude of the tragedy culminated in a touching death scene. (I’ll supply captions to interpret my unreadable dialogue balloons.)
“For years you have feared us! It is good that we can live in peace at last!”
“I…am…dying! You must go! Or you will be…killed to[sic]!! If any of my people survive, they shall be sent to Earth! Do…you understand?”
“We do!”
“Tell them [i.e., Earth officials] Yex is quitting the Union of Civilized Planets!”
(Why Yex should quit the Union of Civilized Planets instead of requesting its assistance, I don’t know. Maybe the Yexians were too proud to ask for help from lesser beings and preferred that no one else witness the indignity of their demise. I didn’t overthink things when a juicy scene was crying out to be written.)
I spent many happy hours on Yex and am sure our scientists will discover it someday. If it happens during your lifetimes, please tell them not to shoot the zamboons. They’re friendly and a lot of fun to play catch with.
Again, the planet that astronomers have just spotted is not Yex. When I was in third grade, I probably would have called it something like “Qaltyr,” and I hope the International Astronomical Union thinks up an equally cool-sounding name for it.
Coming soon: more pictures of Prussiania!
Maybe the plague was too infectious, and no planet could have helped the Yexians without the risk of bringing it back to their own home planet?
This is fantastic, I can’t stop smiling.
Self-quarantine — yes, that would make sense.
I wish I was as cool as Robert was in the third grade.
Basically, I was Calvin.
Robert, you’re awesome.
I wish I had a zamboon..
This is so great…
Hilariously incredible.
Robert, you are the coolest.
This is so great!
Poor Yexians. Maybe we’ll be able to find the remains of their culture someday.
Out of curiosity, why 2298? Was it a specific number of years from the time you were writing (145, or something like that) or did you just like the sound of it?
I just liked the sound of it. It seemed far enough in the future so that exciting things would be happening, but not inconceivably far off.
It’s interesting that 2298 falls between the dates of the original “Star Trek” series and “Star Trek: TNG.” So Gene Roddenberry and his successors were working in the same general neighborhood of future history. Technological progress and space exploration both happened faster in the Star Trek universe, however.
Awesome!
Oh my gosh, best third grader ever, Robert.
Where do I get a spaceship like that? I want one for Christmas!
This is really awesome!