New year, new thread. The original Coping thread described its purpose thus:
Coping with difficult situations, disappointment, depression, boredom, whatever unpleasantness life deals out. What tricks have you learned? What works for you?
Patience, Please
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Hello all! As an unofficial caretaker of the prior coping thread, I am making a post here with some of the techniques from it, as a quick reference.
IF YOU ARE UPSET RIGHT NOW AND NEED HELP:
distress tolerance!
Here is what I do. When I have trouble remembering what to do, I have my boyfriend lead me through it. If you have a trusted friend, you might want to tell them about some of these techniques so they can remind you of them if the time comes.
1. Try some deep breathing. If you’re crying or hyperventilating or holding your breath it’s hard to be calm.
2. Focus on things around you: first three, then two, then one. Engage your senses, for example, list things you see.
3. Remember that emotions are not forever: you will be happy again.
4. Think about good things that will happen in the future. Think about good things that you can do now, and then go do them.
5. If you are upset about something that you cannot change, try to accept it. It’s hard! But why worry about the inevitable? It is what it is.
also see:
IMPROVE the moment, post 17 original thread
radical acceptance, post 20 original thread
IF YOU ARE TRYING TO DEAL WITH SOMEONE ELSE AND THEY ARE DIFFICULT
interpersonal effectiveness!
-Plan what you are going to say ahead of time. Prepare ahead of time for potential reactions. Practice what you’re going to say.
-Describe what’s happening, how you feel about it, and how you would like things to change.
-Explain what will happen if things don’t change — as in, consequences you will enact: “I will stop trying to be friends with you to preserve my happiness” rather than “I will be miserable.”
-Stay calm when you are talking with the other person; recognize their point of view and accept that it is valid, don’t attack them. Basically, listen to them as you’d like to be listened to.
also see:
DEAR MAN, post 23 original thread
GIVE, post 25 original thread
THINGS TO INCORPORATE INTO YOUR LIFE TO MAKE YOU HAPPIER AND BETTER ABLE TO COPE
-Try to keep to a routine: eat regularly, sleep a decent amount if at all possible, exercise every so often.
-Do things that make you happy!!! (This is very important.)
-Practice mindfulness (being aware of your emotions without necessarily acting on them): When you get a chance, think about your emotions as if watching them go by on a conveyor belt. Imagine them passing you. Don’t reach out and touch them, don’t let them affect you. Just recognize you have these feelings and let them be.
also see:
mindfulness, posts 2 and 5 original thread
ABC PLEASE, posts 8 and 10 original thread
Good luck to all!
I have mental issues.
I am diagnosed with most of them.
But I feel like a special snowflake for talking about them because it feels like I’m trying to justify my behavior.
I am very gifted in the creative areas.
I competed in state competition for piano at age five.
I feel like I should be ashamed of this
that it is LYING THAT IT IS UNTRUE
what ought i do
hey everyone, i’ve been reading over the lat thread (which is full of great advice!) and i was wondering if anyone had any particular strategies about disrupting negative thought loops, that seems to be a problem for me. i feel like i either make things catastrophes or uh wow i can’t think of the positive equivalent for that but yeah i need to work on balancing things i guess. hm.
as for my own advice (possibly not worth much considering the above) is to have a calming playlist with mostly instrumental type things or songs with lyrics that won’t upset you/are soothing. i’ve found that kind of helps when you don’t want to be around anyone but also want some human reassurance. idk.
oh god I know what you mean though I am probably not the best person to give advice on how to deal with them… I find talking to someone, anyone, can help a lot because it sort of snaps you back to reality. Or comfort books or movies sometimes, though sometimes new ones are better because you have to pay attention to them rather than knowing what happens.
Sometimes also sensory stuff helps me? Like, I get thougth-loops when I’m trying to fall asleep a lot, and tightly wrapping blankets around myself helps with some of them. Having pressure on my skin. This is mostly a short-term thing. I must sleep now (JADE?? SLEEP???? WHAT MADNESS IS THIS) but I will think about long term stuff? I am also not a good person to ask in this case though tbh
Someone I’m closed to occasionally has panic attacks caused by negative thought loops. To break those, I would just talk to en saying really random things, anything, things that weren’t related to the negative thoughts? Find someone who could do that? Possibly also watch something (like a movie you’ve seen before) that has words that will calm you but this is all from an outside perspective and I don’t know if it is good advice either.
Distracting oneself/ cheering up/ not thinking particular thoughts: I listen to the radio, or to a podcast that I’ve heard before (or one that sounds calming). Fresh Air is really good because Terry Gross has a very soothing voice. Doctor Who episodes that I’ve already seen- ones without any deaths in them- are also good. I’ve found that watching comedies doesn’t make me happy, but watching things that are neither happy nor sad does.
Does anyone else find that making a cave with your hands around your eyes/putting a hat on your face/hiding in a book makes you feel better if you’re overwhelmed or panicky? I find that doing anything that narrows my field of vision (or reduces sensory input in other ways) works like a charm. Then I realize that I’m standing in the middle of a loud store with my face in a sweater.
I’m not sure if it’s the same concept or not, but I do have a tendency to go into a corner and stare at it, or just a wall if the corners of the room are too far away. It does work well for me.
What do you do to deal with things that aren’t particularly mental-health-related, but just unpleasant? (Getting over things that make you sad, I mean; for me, that’s bad test scores, upset friends, and rude people.)
I’ve taken to sitting under my desk and listening to Beatles songs after a bad day. I used to sit in the dryer, but apparently that’s a safety risk. I also used to bake a lot, but am now trying to eat healthily, so I need alternatives.
If I’m bothered by something I try to find things to do that will distract me enough to take my mind off it for at least a while.
A good TV show can usually do the trick for me, or a book, both of which, for me, should be sufficiently engrossing to distract. Find a new show to watch, or rewatch old episodes of favourites. Comedy can cheer you up; at the same time drama has the potential to make your problems seem less consequential.
I’d advocate comfort eating too (I mean, who doesn’t enjoy that?) were I not also trying to eat healthily. Plus, if I do binge I always feel mega-guilty afterwards, so in the long-run, doesn’t necessarily help with the feelings.
Also, the depths of YouTube can sometimes provide a seemingly limitless source of divertissement. Music can work too, but I find that sometimes when I listen to music I start thinking too much, especially if the music is particularly sad/pensive.
Films could be another way too, though once those two hours are up you’re back to square one with nothing to do – I prefer TV for this reason since series are longer. And it’s easy to absorb yourself in the (all-too addictive) process of continuously watching successive installments to find out what comes next.
There are several sites out there that let you choose playlists or radio stations based on your current mood. I haven’t played with them much, but it seems like a really cool idea, and that could be one way to avoid sad/pensive music.
Generally, I listen to music too. In some situations, it also helps me to be able to put little things in order- cleaning my desk, re-arranging my books or just emptying the dishwasher. </control freakishness
Reading HG2G-or Douglas Adams quotes- also helps. Or reading MB
(This started out on Rants and Plaints but I moved it here after it took a turn away from ranting and toward attempting to dissect my own Brain Problems. Rambling follows.)
I thought I’d pretty much settled on my decision to take a semester’s break from university, but the insomnia and literal anxious shaking at 4 AM determined that was a lie…
I seek out all kinds of advice and information so carefully, but every conversation I have just flaps my own opinions every which way. I feel like a windsock in the breeze. But I can still recognize that everyone’s giving me advice shaped by their own experiences. Years of carefully deferring to other people’s expertise and assuming my own opinions invalid (at least in terms of priorities) have left me poorly equipped to make a decision about what is best for me and only me.
I have to play little mental tricks on myself to get anything productive out of my head, like “what would a hypothetical version of myself that suddenly ceased to care about other people’s expectations think in this situation?” This much introspection can’t be healthy.
I think I’ve teased out the loop of Bad Thoughts, though:
1) what if taking time off leads to terrible consequences (stress from living at home causing mental health to worsen, unforeseen financial problems)
2) what if remaining in school leads to terrible consequences (pursuing a field of study that it turns out I don’t have the skills to parlay into a job I can stand, stress from school causes mental health to worsen, “wasting an opportunity”)
3) EVERYONE SHUT UP
4) PEOPLE I KNOW HAVE DONE BOTH THINGS AND BOTH KINDS OF PEOPLE HAVE BEEN FINE
THEREFORE (5) I WILL BE FINE WHATEVER I CHOOSE
6) that means both options have good things about them
7) but both options might go badly (don’t care how unlikely that is)
8) if one is good and another is bad, then I have made the Wrong Decision regardless of what I choose
9-1000) [EXPLETIVES]
I suppose what I’m asking is how do you make decisions when you know that your thinking is distorted and it takes extraordinary effort just to distinguish the reasonable from the unreasonable thoughts for a moment, much less act on any of them?
(I’m sorry, this thread-hopping is making POSOC’s Ongoing Existential Crisis difficult to follow, but it’s not really an appropriate “Dispatch from Collegeland” if you’re in the process of leaving.)
LATER:
OK. Trying some of the mindfulness stuff suggested above and stepping back from my emotions. I think I’ve grasped that any decision I make will leave me OK…
I. Uh. I feel slightly better about the whole thing and nobody has even responded to this post yet. COPING THREAD = SUPER EFFECTIVE???
(I’m posting this anyway because I still slip back into this kind of negative thought loop very very easily)
Point of information: If you stay in school and slog through your major, when will you graduate?
Winter 2016 is the most probable date. Spring 2016 if I plan carefully and don’t take too many electives.
So, two or three more semesters after the current one? That’s a lot to get through if you really aren’t enjoying your studies and don’t think you’re learning anything useful. (If it were just one, I’d say power through and get out.)
Correct. Yeah, one reason I’m conflicted now is because the courses I’m signed up for for the coming semester look a lot more interesting. Spending time away has made school seem more appealing. (Grass is greener problem, I guess.)
But I did have some serious problems last year. Looking over my old posts is proof enough of that.
If interesting courses lie ahead, and if you’re on basically good terms with your professors and are enjoying college life in general, then the next year might turn out better than you expect.
I agree with Dodecahedron that part of the secret is trying not to think too far ahead. You seem to believe at some level that life is a tight rope: one misstep, and you fall off. But it isn’t like that — it’s more like a dance floor. Everywhere you step is life, and you improvise the dance as you go along. Anyone who implies otherwise must have had very different experiences from mine. (Hm, maybe it’s time for me to talk about some of those experiences…)
Yes, this. The dance floor is full of wonderful opportunities! Sometimes it feels better to stand still and watch to see what dance moves you’d like to do, but there are so many awesome moves.
Yessss… I wanna hear about Robert’s experiences. I mean, heck, I’m still trying to figure out my own dance moves. Much as I’ve gotten a BA, I’m still trying to figure out how to do what I want with it. (though I guess I’m moving somewhere as I’m applying to grad school.) Taking next steps is scary, but if you’re moving and having fun (or standing still and having fun, waiting for your next move) then there aren’t wrong ones.
If you’re wondering what courses might interest you and want a free glimpse of them, might online courses work? In my insatiable curiousity about math, I’ve been taking a lot of MIT opencourseware courses but there are many other schools online, both on sites like coursera and sometimes just on youtube. Somewhere there is a list of 800 online courses. Maybe this can help you find direction while you take a break?
It’s something I’ve thought about, haven’t taken a look yet at any specific ones though. It seems like a good low-pressure way of exploring things.
If you’re interested in math at all, I could give a couple of recommendations.
I’m not very interested in math I’m afraid — it stopped making sense to me around geometry. I am sure, though, that the way high school teaches math is not the way that you learned to love math.
I mean, I’m sure other courses are fun, I just don’t have any recommendations there. I hope you find some awesome ones!
What you’ve all said kind of alleviates my worry that I won’t be able to do anything useful or that I’m shut off from various options, etc. etc.
The remaining concern is my mental health. I’m seriously not sure which will be better for me — living at home or going to school — and those are the two options that I can realistically achieve in the first half of this year. (Both have their own problems, if I’m being honest.) I suppose I just have to consider how I feel about both prospects…
In general the latter years of college seem to improve markedly, at least for those of us who had problems with the first years. My efforts finally caught traction during junior year (when I switched to my 5th and final major); then I actually had a blast my senior year. Though honestly, until I held the diploma in my hand I kept waiting for some official to show up and tell me I didn’t have enough credits to graduate. Thank the universe I kept up my voice lessons — those quarter credits added up enough to fill in the holes. One of my friends tripped before the finish line: she flunked her honors course, so she had to complete her coursework over the summer. Later she became a filthy-rich lawyer. There is no moral to this story.
For sake of comparison: one of my brothers picked up a second major and stayed for a fifth year. He claimed his reason was that he had another year of eligibility for the fencing team. He majored in two sciences (I forget which two), but his first jobs were in editing. Eventually he moved into IT. (Hardly anyone I know works in the field they majored in, particularly if they were in the humanities departments. In many cases, the fields where they would find their eventual careers didn’t even exist yet while we were in school.)
By the way, what tools do you use for decision-making? I find that writing things out helps immeasurably. If I need to move around physically, then I scrawl thoughts out on giant whiteboards. If the items are the things that need to move around I’ll use something like Scapple (desktop app by the Scrivener people) or one of any number of mind-mapping apps I’ve played with. Or I put all the different bits and pieces on index cards and shuffle them about on the floor. Or any combination. Whatever it takes to get things outside of your head into some sort of concrete form. As long as they remain trapped inside your psyche those thoughts are no better than intravenous poison. Also, I walk. And walk. And walk. I should point out/confess that these are the methods I use that produce the good results. No need to tell you the methods that keep me in the ditch spinning my wheels.
As I was thinking about this today, it occurred to me that the bountiful inventiveness that served you so well as Captain of the Black-Footed Ferret has turned mutinous. It is conjuring murky, impalpable perils instead of commissioning you to sail the Meringue River with a prairie dog for a quartermaster, fighting pierates with pie cannons, mango muskets, and cranberry cutlasses. In the end, though, this turbulent indecision is the roughest part. Reaching a decision and committing to it will bring you relief, whichever route you choose. You will find a way to make your choice work, I have every confidence. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to carry a pie cannon or two along with you…
Rebecca, this had me chuckling out loud (genuine laughter, not hysterical screeching) for the first time in days. Thank you.
I’ve been using a lot of side-by-side lists lately, but I’m not sure they have helped. So many of the pros and cons of all this are not easily commensurable. I can’t adequately compare the degrees of freedom lost by living in the small town I grew up in for half a year to the degrees of freedom lost by continuing to study something I’m not certain I’m right for. They’re different kinds of freedom and so are measured in different kinds of degrees. Maybe even different kinds of loss.
Walking seems to help. Maybe a giant whiteboard wouldn’t go amiss, either.
I’m glad you laughed. Somehow I feel that a debt is repaid, at least in part.
What I love about the whiteboards, mind maps, and such is that they spring me from the tunnel that side-by-side, pro-or-con lists can create. Some of those tangents that float around, not quite fitting anywhere, often reveal pathways out of the pit. Or sometimes regrouping items in various ways changes perspective enough that a new solution comes into view. In any case, I always learn something useful, even if it’s just better strategies for dealing with the impact of the situation.
And some day, perhaps, we can hoist a stein of pie rum and I’ll tell ye some blood-curdling Tales of Literary Theory. Of how I went toe to toe with Jacques Lacan and ran him through with his own metaphor. Or how my agèd but fearless Shakespeare professor rescued me from the clutches of Harold Bloom with a single quip. Aye, lad, there were some dark days and many an ideology-tossed sea to cross before I glimpsed land.
What were your 5 majors? I’m curious.
I always say five, but it sort of depends on how you count. At the starting gate, I went out for a Bachelor of Music in voice, which later became Bachelor of Arts, with a music major. Realizing I was in way over my head, I switched to English. Sort of pulled that one out of the hat for sentimental reasons, since administrators were breathing down my neck to make a choice. Eventually I rebelled against the system and declared myself Officially Undecided. Meanwhile, after taking a course in nutrition I soon found myself a candidate for a Bachelor of Science in Home Economics. But thanks to some course requirement left over from a previous era, my new major required me to take a drawing class. I fell head over heels and made switched to a Studio Art major. That one stuck. Good thing, too, as I was running out of school years. And oh, yeah, somewhere in there I veered off into Political Science, but I don’t think that was ever official. It’s not an approach I’d recommend.
Hmm. I’m coming to the conclusion that a characteristic of many Musers is enjoying multiple fields. Probably something to do with reading a magazine about math /and/ art /and/ history /and/ science /and/ pie-throwing.
I didn’t take long to settle on my own major, anthropology, but anthro is really a study of many things. I was also able to take tons of other courses that were in different areas. I sort of wish I’d double majored in math though. Not for any practical reason, really, just that math fascinates me. I’m glad I picked up a minor in museum studies, but that was mostly by accident. If I hadn’t somehow ended up with anthro, I could easily have had many majors in a row. And anthro is definitely not the only major I could have picked. Cognitive Science and Linguistics both seemed awesome.
So naturally my MFA was in Creative Writing. Then 3/4 of a PhD in English (Old and Middle English major, Victorian and Renaissance minors, except when I was a Victorian major).
How did the MFA go? I’ve been on the fence about that possibility because a lot of published writers have said going for an MFA wasn’t helpful for them.
I loved it! One of the best adventures of my adult life pre-MuseBlog.
But it’s not something I would recommend doing right out of undergrad — it’s important to be out in the world first, to live through other experiences than writing, and to develop enough confidence in your voice that you won’t be swayed with every breeze of opinion from classmates. I’d say the biggest reason to do an MFA in writing is to buy yourself writing time, free from competing obligations. (I had enough sense to insist on earning tuition with a Research Assistantship instead of teaching because I knew teaching would have taken over my life and thereby defeated my whole purpose in being there.)
The workshops themselves were a mixed bag. With some noteworthy exceptions, the advice of other students was seldom very useful in itself. On the other hand, it was very valuable to see the contrasts between what all of us were trying to write and what others perceived we were writing. Having to turn in something every week kept me on my toes, too. My professors and the visiting writers were fantastic. As the ads mights say: sitting down one-on-one with top regional and national authors to discuss your writing…priceless. The other most valuable experience for me was a stint as poetry editor of our literary journal (The Greensboro Review). Life on the other side of the transom was quite a revelation!
I was lucky in my choice of program. UNCG’s is one of the oldest, founded in 1965 by the poet Robert Watson, and it reflected his values in many respects. The ruling philosophy seemed to be to stay out of the students’ way, give them room to experiment and grow while giving them a helpful nod here and there. I can’t say enough about Bob. I arrived just in time to be among his last crop of students before he retired. I signed up for every workshop and academic course he taught. Since he had known many of the name writers of the mid-20th-century, he could be counted on to enliven the discussion with personal tales. Bob didn’t just tell a good story, he could lead you to that tiny quirk or incident that illuminated a key insight into someone’s character or the way out of a writing dilemma. It would take me too long to sort out the words to explain why all that was so important. There’s no substitute for being in the kind of environment where you can soak in that depth of knowledge, experience, and wisdom. There are many roads to choose from besides MFA programs, of course, but I personally wasn’t likely to stumble into a better one.
Oxlin: this is very true, I think. One of the things I kind of regret is not pursuing science any further — I’ve always had a real intellectual interest in it but the maths frightened me off at first (because I believed I wasn’t good at math because it didn’t come easily to me). And I don’t know what branch I’d specialize in, and I’m not the most specialized person to begin with.
Math didn’t come easy to me, either, but I majored in it anyway for practical reasons. It was a hard slog, but it has paid off in various ways over the years. (On the other hand, so has everything else I studied in college: physics, chemistry, philosophy, literature, economics, Russian. Strict distribution requirements gave me an excuse to get the kind of education I wanted anyway.)
“Ideology-tossed sea.” I think my Restoration Lit professor said something similar. “There are fashions in literary theory. It used to be all about art; then it was all about sex; now it’s all about politics.” And I too am curious about your 5 majors.
It seems like you’ve got the general idea, but I’ll say this anyway:
I think what you need to do to break thought loops like this is to stop thinking 1000 steps ahead, and stop feeling like you need to MAKE A DECISION NOW!!!! or else YOUR LIFE COULD BE RUINED!!! — that obviously isn’t true. Instead of jumping straight to “this could have terrible consequences” – start with “this is how I feel about school. I (do/do not) feel this is sustainable.” If you’re feeling ambitious, continue with “and I (would/would not) like to take this action about it.”
And it’s worth a mention, talking about thoughts like this with my therapist really does help a lot.
Haven’t got a therapist in the local area as yet — I’ve got one I’m seeing in Berkeley, though, who has been helpful. (I feel like we’ve scarcely scratched the surface of my issues, though, but that’s inevitable. Only started therapy this year…)
It’s actually a little scary how accurate that is. When I only think a couple of steps ahead instead of 1000 I seem to think that — well, neither of these things is going to ruin my life! obviously! they both have advantages and disadvantages but I’m really not in a bad position when you look at it carefully — and then the well-oiled paranoia cogwheels mesh and I think THIS IS TOO EASY, IT MUST BE A TRAP.
Whyyyyyyyy.
You said that your remaining concern is your mental health. Having a helpful therapist in Berkeley who already knows you a little could be a good thing to hang onto, then, if you’re evenly undecided otherwise.
As others have said – you will improvise an elegant (or creative or amusing or insightful or interesting) dance step no matter which way you turn. When I was majorly stressing over choosing a college, my mom told me “It’s okay to decide without having perfect information,” and that’s some of the best advice I’ve ever gotten. Though I couldn’t predict every possible outcome, that was okay. You only have to think a few steps ahead, because once you take a few more steps, you have that much more information with which to plan your next steps. Before you know it, you’re all the way across the dance floor, or back where you started, or however it ends up, and you feel good about where your next few steps will take you. Besides, even if you were to stumble midstep, you can always make your way your way to the punch bowl and laugh it off or talk it through with your friends until you’re ready to take the floor again. We’ll be there as we are now.
As a side note, I’ve always admired and looked up to you, POSOC, as a writer, Muser, and friend. Since I joined, and the days of our work on RRRs. I know the same imagination and creativity you showed there will continue to serve you well in imagining your way forward from wherever you end up after these next few steps.
Wise mum you have there.
Tell me about it!
THIS. Life is complicated, you can’t get perfect information. So you have to decide under uncertainty all the time. Sometimes you use a great strategy and do all you can and due to bad luck it still goes wrong, but many other times it doesn’t.
And as these older wiser folks have said, you’ll totally figure out the next steps even if you trip on this one.
Ugh, I’ve tried to type this post three times, and it’s come down to a different decision each time. I feel trapped. Even after taking a long walk and working out the different options on paper. (The exhausting conversations with my parents haven’t helped either.)
and WELP, parental conflict has just taken a turn for the worse. Now I’m inclined to think a break living at home wouldn’t be especially restful. Ha ha. (cakecakecake)
I think I’ve decided to go back. Have to keep moving. But both options now make me want to cry. I’m moving back in a little early to wrap up some internship stuff, so there’s still about a week before instruction starts. I should be able to get an appointment with my therapist during the time I’m in the city before that and discuss this further. I don’t know what else to do.
Well, sleeping on it helped, somewhat. (It often does.)
Without trying to think too far ahead, what’s best for me now is probably taking a break from school. My parents, for all their issues, are going to try to support me in that. If not going to school becomes unbearable, I can go back in summer instead of fall. I’ve got friends here and IRL to count on in the meantime.
Thank you all. The dance goes on.
I’m going to go for a walk to think it over one final time, but I think this is the right thing for me right now. (Then I’m going to have to send a lot of emails.)
Email sent to internship supervisor — for internship I had nearly made up my mind to quit anyway. Result: a less stressful semester if I go back, plus a little more time to finalize my decision. (I am going to try to find out if the classes I’d be most upset to miss out on are going to be offered again next spring.)
Rebecca — That sounds fantastic. I am definitely not doing any sort of grad school right out of college, though — I will need a break from academia after I graduate. Don’t worry on that account. (I’m tempted to run away to Spain because several of my good friends have done that, or to New Zealand for a number of arbitrary and silly reasons, but at the very least I will flee California. I’m not making more specific plans because it’s still years away.)
(Go to New Zealand, I will personally smuggle you through customs, we can start a sheep farm and go hiking all the time)
[muffled Flight of the Conchords instrumental playing in the distance]
Less stress sounds good. Keep breathing, old salt.
I’ve got my head above water.
*salutes*
Sense of humor intact too. Good sign.
It’s gotten me through some tough places.
An essential item in Life’s Emergency Preparedness Kit.
Absurdity is built into the structure of the Universe. Laughter is often the only feasible response to it.
Rebecca, you were completely right. Now that I’ve committed to taking a break, I feel a lot less conflicted. (Tired though. Further updates if interesting/relevant things happen. But the situation has been resolved.)