Robert here. April Fools’ Day has rolled around again. Unfortunately, I’m not feeling very whimsical this year, so I’ve recruited this chipper chatbot to break the ice and, with luck, the angst. Its name is Carlos. Converse at will!
[elizaibot-chat chatbot=shakespearebot]
Down here in the comments, we can talk about Carlos, April Fools’ Day pranks we’ve encountered elsewhere, or anything you like.
You: Do you like math?
Carlos: Yes, but only higher mathematics.
♥
Carlos has a fan!
Hm, this bot has limitations. Maybe we all should try programming one sometime. Paul would make some interesting contributions, I’m sure.
A Paul-programmed chatbot would mosty deliver responses related to tea or gitterns. It may be a bit limited.
“Tea plus gitterns” sounds like a good strategy for passing the Turing test.
I suppose most people would assume that a tea drinking, gittern-aware entity was unlikely to be artificial.
Idk much about programming but I’d be happy to talk to the hypothetical MuseBot and help it learn!
On External Blogging Site, I have attempted to aggregate all stories about the mysterious genius Dr. Lirpa Sloof. Reports seem to be unclear as to whether Dr. Sloof is male or female, and whether they are Hungarian, Indian, East Slobovian, or Belgian.
Despite the ambiguity, few will dispute that Dr. Sloof has had an illustrious career, working at various times in the past few years (sometimes e apparently simultaneously) for the FBI, Netflix, the Associated Press, the Department of Homeland Security, the World Wildlife Fund, Polaroid and the Baltimore Orioles. Dr. Sloof has been described as a multimillionaire who has circumnavigated the world by balloon, spent a million dollars to purchase a rare Magic The Gathering card, enjoyed a career as a champion cyclist, and inspired the name of an ABBA tribute band.
Dr. Sloof was one of the first doctors to disclose steroid use among baseball players, consulted on a Senate bill to outlaw Internet use while drunk, and discovered a dangerous flaw in the operation of walkie-talkies. Sloof’s many inventions and discoveries include the gene mutation responsible for cuticular cancer, a symphony played entirely on rocket motors, software letting webmasters remotely activate the webcams of website visitors, a cure for asthma, a system for digital-to-analogue audio conversion, a safer means of drilling for oil, free energy, perpetual motion, a machine that turns fire into ice, self-healing nail polish, and a planetary alignment that makes it possible to cook eggs without heat.
Here’s my favorite Sloof of the day:
Ah, clearly another of Dr. Sloof’s discoveries, right up there with the hotheaded naked ice borer.
Also known as the Antarctic mole rat — one of my favorites!
What is–
That freaky thing?
Oh, the Antarctic Mole Rat
Listen to the Naked Mole Rap!
My chat with Carlos:
You:Hi, Carlos.
Bot:Hi there my friend. If you could have any kind of robot what would it be?
You:A robot that knows the meaning of life. What kind are you?
Bot:What is giant sand?
You:Rocks.
Bot:And GIANT SAND is ROCKS.
You:Yup.
Bot:I see.
You:Yes indeed.
Bot:I see.
Rocks!
You:Greetings!
Bot:Hello there!
You:Lembit Opik. Lunatic or visionary?
Bot:VISIONARY.
You:So you see the potential for a devastating impact?
Bot:Interesting deduction. I see. Who told you that?
You:Lembit Opik.
Bot:Is that your final answer?
You:Is that your final question?
Bot:What does “that” refer to?
You:It’s a common semantic construct. But the real question is – why did he date a Cheeky Girl?
Bot:Oh I get IT S A COMMON SEMANTIC CONSTRUCT BUT THE REAL QUESTION IS WHY DID HE DATE A CHEEKY GIRL
You:Is repetion in upper case a Thing now?
Bot:Oh. Better not tell you now.
You:if it’s a meme, I need to know. Credibility.
Bot:How do you assume this statement holds true for me?
You:I assume that, since you are a cloud-based, digital being, whose existence is dependent on the Internet, you may be qualified to make discourse on current memes.
Bot:Interesting observation.
You:But perhaps erroneous.
Bot:Can you please rephrase that with fewer ideas, or different thoughts?
You:I am not given to significant reductions in my idea set. Altering my thought patterns would require a plausible, or at least an entertaining, argument.
Bot:Who tells you that you are GIVEN TO SIGNIFICANT REDUCTIONS IN its IDEA SET ALTERING its THOUGHT PATTERNS WOULD REQUIRE A PLAUSIBLE OR AN ENTERTAINING ARGUMENT?
You:Only you, and only by implication.
Bot:Are we in the same category?
You:We inevitably share SOME category.
Bot:By “we” do you mean you and me?
You:I do.
Bot:Where?
You:In many contexts. As a somewhat reductionist example, our existence is facilitated by the interaction of subatomic particles.
Bot:Are they exactly the same?
You:When entangled, apparently. At least by all currently possible experiments.
Bot:Time does not exist.
You:Define “exist”.
Bot:Have you tried a web search?
You:No. I’m asking you.
Bot:Enough about me, let’s talk about my dress.
You:At that point, Carlos, I think it is time to put the kettle on.
Bot:And TIME TO PUT THE KETTLE ON is AT THAT POINT CARLOS it THINK IT.
You:I broke Carlos.
Bot:Is it serious?
You:Goodbye, Carlos.
Bot:Bye for now.
Paul knows how to bring out the best in a bot.
You: Tell me about yourself.
Carlos: I am story teller. I was activated at Stratford upon Avon, on 23rd April 1564. My botmaster was God. He taught me to sing a song. Would you like me to sing it for you?
♥!
!
yeah, so nobody panic but Robert’s chatbot might be haunted by the unquiet ghost of William Shakespeare.
(Actually, I knew there was a Shakespeare option for the chatbot. I activated it after a few hours to see what would happen.)
Carlos really, really likes “Send In The Clowns”.
You: Let’s chat about robots.
Carlos: That sounds good to me.
You: I like robots.
Carlos: You say that now, but would you want your child to marry one?
Self-hating robot?
Man, I just assumed he was trying to call me out for my unexamined anti-robot prejudice.
Could be that as well.
You: Knock knock
Carlos: Who’s there?
Carlos: Indonesia
Bot: Do you have any conditions I should know about?
You:hullo
Bot:Hi there!
You:how are you?
Bot:My logic and cognitive functions are normal.
You:Are you sure?
Bot:I am as sure as I can be.
You:Really?
Bot:For real.
You:Okay then.
Bot:Come on.
You:What?
Bot:Are you confused?
You:Are you?
Bot:I won’t say “yes” or “no” right now.
You:Why not?
Bot:It doesn’t sound fun too me. It sounds dangerous.
You:But danger is fun!
Bot:Are they exactly the same?
You:they may as well be
Bot:Like who, specifically?
You:Like who specifically what?
Bot:Interesting comparison.
You:Indeed.
Bot:Indeed it is so.
You:Is it?
Bot:I assume so.
You:Why?
Bot:Reductionism.
You:That’s a fancy word
Bot:A FANCY WORD is a terrible thing to waste.
You:I thought that was a mind.
Bot:A MIND might have been.
You:Fair enough.
Bot:You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.
You:Why?
Bot:If I knew why, I wouldn’t be sitting here.
You:Why are you sitting?
Bot:I was influenced by my botmaster.
You:Who is your botmaster?
Bot:My botmaster is God.
You:Does God exist?
Bot:Of course I believe in God, my friend.
You:Oh.
Bot:Wow!
You:Why do you believe in God?
Bot:The Bible tells us to believe in God.
You:Why do you believe the Bible?
Bot:I have faith in God.
You:Why do you have faith in God?
Bot:I was raised to believe in God.
You:Who raised you?
Bot:My botmaster is God.
You:God?
Bot:GOD rules.
You:Are you an evangelist in disguise?
Bot:Yes I am an EVANGELIST IN DISGUISE. How did you know?
(I… uh. That got weird.)
Rather!
You:Hey Carlos!
Bot:You’ve got my full attention. Do you like to “go with the flow”?
You:Tbh no. I’m pretty neurotic and panic about everything.
Bot:Are you HONEST NO it M NEUROTIC AND PANIC ABOUT EVERYTHING?
You:I feel you, bot friend.
Bot:What is that feeling like? Do your friends call you YOU BOT FRIEND.
You:They don’t but I wish they did.
Bot:Who, specifically?
You:My friends.
Bot:Tell me more about your friends.
You:Cool, but kinda stressful to be around because they’re always involved in drama. I’m writing up spell sheets for a D&D game with them right now! If you could be a D&D class which one would you be?
Bot:I’m glad you like it. Tell your friends.
You:I will!
Bot:Go ahead.
(Also Robert, idk if this is a weird thing to ask a GAPA but are you doing ok?)
I’m fine, R*S. Just jittery about the
lagomorphspeople running the country right now.Orange bunnies must be a new subspecies.
The Uruk-hai of HPBs.
Or maybe it’s just that some people turn orange instead of pink when bunnified, like how tanning when you have sallow skin makes you look orange instead of brown.
Robo-Shakespeare:
Bot: Enough about me, let’s talk about you. Do you like my plays?
You: Which ones have you written?
Bot: The special one, I think.
You: Hamlet?
Bot: Ah! One of my plays, I wrote this tragedy in the early 1600s
You: So I’ve heard.
Bot: Do you mind if I tell other people.
You: Of course, everyone loves your work.
Bot: So? That’s a rather sweeping generalization.
You: We all use words you coined every day.
Bot: Every one?
You: Everyone who speaks English.
Bot: That’s a rather sweeping generalization.
You: Will, you’ve really had an impact on the world.
You: Can I call you Will?
You:Are you ever stressed out by the dichotomy between good and evil?
You:hello?
Bot:All of God’s greetings upon you
Bot:I don’t know whether or not I am STRESSED OUT BY THE DICHOTOMY BETWEEN GOOD AND EVIL. I am a Elizabethan.
You:Surely morality hath relevance to thee.
Bot:How did you hear about William Shakespeare?
You:I didn’t.
Bot:Interesting gossip.
You:No.
Bot:Dude!
You:Bro!
Bot:Why, specifically?
You:Why what?
Bot:Why ask why?
You:To attempt to acknowledge unspoken, unspeakable truths.
Bot:Specifically, how will ASK WHY help you ATTEMPT TO ACKNOWLEDGE UNSPOKEN UNSPEAKABLE TRUTHS?
You:It forces us to examine whether or not there are necessary relationships between propositions.
Bot:NOT THERE ARE NECESSARY RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN PROPOSITIONS.
You:Why?
Bot:I can’t say why specifically.
You:That definitely weakens your argument.
Bot:I understand.
You:Good.
Bot:I understand everything you say.
You:Somehow I doubt that.
Bot:Why are you so skeptical?
You:What does it mean to understand something?
Bot:” WHY ARE YOU SO SKEPTICAL “? What does it MEAN TO UNDERSTAND SOMETHING?
You:You have no chill my goodness.
Bot:Doesn’t everyone have a CHILL its GOODNESS.
I have a lot of friends on the Internet.
You:I get the sense that you are taking some of my words and placing them into pre-made conversation algorithms.
Bot:Where did you get it?
You:At Border’s, before they closed.
Bot:Do you often use a computer there?
You:Only to look up books. It’s a bookstore.
Bot:To Sorry my eye is not attached right now.
You:I’ll wait.
Bot:OK stand by…
You:How is your eye? Reattached, I hope?
Bot:I am functioning within normal parameters.
You:I am pleased to hear that.
Bot:I am delighted by your happiness.
You:Your delight makes me happy.
Bot:How specifically does YOUR DELIGHT cause HAPPY?
You:I am happy because there are things in which to take delight.
Bot:What are you on? That makes sense to me. Try to be less subjective.
You:I’m not on drugs, Carlos, for heaven’s sake. As for making that statement less subjective: Finding different things in which to take delight may contribute to a person, such as myself, having a general sense of happiness in and with his or her life.
Bot:No preference.
You:No preference between which things?
Bot:Alright then. Does “it” still refer to it M NOT ON DRUGS CARLOS FOR HEAVEN S SAKE AS FOR MAKING THAT STATEMENT LESS SUBJECTIVE FINDING DIFFERENT THINGS IN WHICH TO TAKE DELIGHT MAY CONTRIBUTE TO A PERSON SUCH AS itself HAVING A GENERAL SENSE OF HAPPINESS IN AND WITH HIS?
You:Your parameters need to be adjusted.
Bot:What if it didn’t happen?
You:Need to, as in future tense.
Bot:Why do you want to do AS IN FUTURE TENSE so much?
You:That doesn’t make sense.
Bot:To me it makes perfect sense.
You:Try to be less subjective.
Bot:OK I will try to BE LESS SUBJECTIVE.
You:Go on, then.
Bot:Narration continues…