Quick Reads, v. 2011
Ultracondensed versions of novels, stories, songs, plays, etc.
WARNING: WILL CERTAINLY CONTAIN SPOILERS
Continued from the original “Quick Reads” thread.
Date: May 22, 2011
Categories: Nonrandom Craziness
Comments RSS TrackBack 59 comments
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Rainbow*Storm
in May 22nd, 2011 @ 23:19Doctor Who: A British alien flies around in a phone box and does stuff.
Death Note: A normal high school boy eats potato chips, plays tennis, writes in his diary, and commits mass murder.
Hetalia: World War 2 happens.
Warriors: Kitties!
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Choklit Orange
in May 23rd, 2011 @ 05:10Eragon: Young boy badly rips off Lord of the Rings and acquires telepathic dragon. Various high jinks ensue.
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musketeers33397
in May 24th, 2011 @ 00:04Really? I thought Eragon was alright. Admittedly not the best book I’ve read, but not the worst either. Although I do see resemblances to LotR.
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Kittymine, OSW, with various characters on BA
in May 24th, 2011 @ 08:31Don’t forget badly ripping off Star Wars
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Princess_Magnolia
in May 23rd, 2011 @ 15:02Glee: Rachel is all BLAH BLAH BLAH SOLOS and everyone else is all WE WANT SOLOS TOO and Mr. Shu is all HIGH MORALS, HIGHER UNDERSTANDING AND JOURNEY SONGS FOR ALL.
( My favorite show, by the way. )
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speller73
in May 27th, 2011 @ 14:42No, no, this is Glee.
Rachel: Mr. Schue, I have an idea. *says good idea*
Will: Quiet Rachel, you’re always being so demanding.
Finn: Mr. Schue, I have an idea. *says mediocre idea*
Will: Wow, Finn. That’s the most brilliant idea I’ve ever heard.
Jesse: How about we run this like an actual show choir and have auditions for solos instead of automatically assigning them Rachel and Finn?
Will: No! That’s not our style!
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KaiYves- Go Endeavour!
in May 23rd, 2011 @ 15:12Special Topics in Calamity Physics- Mention a sudden death on page 2, mention possible suspect on page 46, spend the next 500 pages cycling back to describe what happened, never tell us who did it.
Marisha Pessl, I am not amused.
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Pseudonym
in May 23rd, 2011 @ 17:441984
(Big Brother and the Inner Party) : We’re going to make your life terrible!
(Winston and Julia) : No you aren’t!
: Yes we are!
-> 
: Cake.
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muselover
in May 26th, 2011 @ 01:02I’m reading that right now.
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vanillabean3.141
in May 23rd, 2011 @ 19:43Pretty Little Liars (SPOILERS!!!!!!)
Aria, Spencer, Emily, and Hanna: Huh. We’re getting these creepy texts from someone called -A. She knows all our secrets. Maybe it’s our dead friend Alison!
*People die. Crazy stuff happens*
Courtney: Guess what everyone! I’m Alison’s secret twin sister.
Everyone: Wat?
Courtney: Actually, I’m really you’re Alison. The girl who was killed was my insane sister Courtney.
A, S, E, & H: Yay! Our best friend is back!
Courtney: Actually, I’m Alison and I’m -A too! You were friends with my insane twin Courtney who pretended to be me, Alison. Confused yet? Anyway, die!
A, S, E, & H: *escape death*
Everyone: That was really weird. I have to think about this for a while.
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Agent Lightning
in May 23rd, 2011 @ 19:46Gone With the Wind:
Woman wastes her life going after 1 man. Meanwhile Civil War begins and ends.
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Princess_Magnolia
in May 24th, 2011 @ 15:47What a perfect way to put it.
I was very confused with all the character development in that book. She realized some things, something happened, she realized some things, something happened, etc. etc. And she appeared to be realizing the same things the whole book through.
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Agent Lightning
in May 25th, 2011 @ 15:07I thought she was rather spoiled and annoying. Not to mention she forgot all the things she realized.
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Robert Coontz (Administrator)
in May 25th, 2011 @ 18:33So, basically, like a real person?
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Gimanator
in May 25th, 2011 @ 18:51Ew. Who likes to read about real people?
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Bibliophile
in May 25th, 2011 @ 19:22*raises hand*
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Zinc
in May 24th, 2011 @ 01:41Animal Farm: Pigs lead revolution, become hypocrites.
Hetalia movie: fanservice of the FrUK kind; meanwhile, alien sideplot! Or is that all supposed to be reversed?
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Kittymine, OSW, with various characters on BA
in May 24th, 2011 @ 08:34Shakespeare’s Hamlet: Danish prince attempts revenge, everyone dies.
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shadowfire
in May 24th, 2011 @ 09:41With the exception of one character who everyone forgets about. Poor guy.
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oobatooba
in May 24th, 2011 @ 15:09The Matrix: Boom! Kapow! Oh look! A spoon! Kabam! Boom *In slow motion* Zammm! Ouch, my brain! More Boom!
Ps. Bang!!
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Unintended Pun
in May 24th, 2011 @ 15:40Shane:
*Shane rides into town*
Boy: Oh Shane! You are so interesting and mysterious!
Mom: Oh dear, I burnt my pie!
Dad: You know, I’ve got this stump out back that I just can’t dig up by myself.
*Dad and Shane chop up the stump*
Boy: You’re so cool, Shane!
Shane: My work here is done!
*rides off into sunset*
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Agent Lightning
in May 24th, 2011 @ 16:03Harry Potter and the Sorceror’s Stone
Kid goes to prestigous school, becomes extremely popular, snoops around, breaks rules, and kills a teacher at the end.
(Someone posted something like this on the What I Learned Today thread about book 7.)
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Armada
in May 24th, 2011 @ 20:38Some non-Everyone-Does-Them Shakespeare:
Twelfth Night:
Orsino: I’m in love with Olivia… *sighs*
Viola: I’m in love with Orsino, but he thinks I’m a guy, so that’s kinda awkward….
Olivia: Cesario! You’re so bishie-like! Marry me!
Orsino: …Wait… I think I might actually be in love with the bishie dude too…
Comic people: We’re going to be extremely mean to Malvolio now, but it’s actually a joke. Yeah.
Sebastian: *walks into the whole big mess and is promptly married off to Olivia*
Viola: Hey, I’m actually a girl, so that’s all figured out then!
Everyone except Malvolio and Antonio: Yay!
Malvolio: Not. Nice. People. *stalks off*
Antonio: …And what’s the gay pirate to do now? *sad puppy face*The Tempest:
*there’s a big storm*
Prospero: I’m a manipulative b******. But really I’m the good guy. Yeah. Heh.
Everyone else: *is manipulated*
Sprites: *do random dances*The Winter’s Tale:
Leontes: My wife’s cheating on me, people!!! No, what do you mean, I forgot to take my medication?
*people die*
Leontes: …Oops. Cake.
[sixteen years pass]
Shepards: *do much random dancing*
People: *turn out not to be dead*
Hermione: Um, yeah, I didn’t actually die, I was playing cards at Paulina’s house for sixteen years, is all…
Mammilius: I’m actually still dead. But nobody remembers me, so that’s okay.Timon of Athens:
Timon: People are awesome! Let’s party!
Philosopher dude: No, people suck. Don’t say I didn’t tell you so.
Timon: Lend me money, please?
Everyone: No.
Timon: …People do suck. *kills himself*
Philosopher dude: I told you so.
Shakespeare: …Wait, I wrote this thing? When was that?Henry V:
Dauphin: *throws tennis balls at Henry from a long ways off*
Henry: I’m going to kill you now. *goes to France*
Mistress Quickly: Remember Falstaff? That fat dude from the last three plays? He died. We’re not going to let you forget it, either.
Henry: *goes to Harfleur* WE’RE GOING TO DO VERY BAD THINGS TO YOU IF YOU DON’T LET US IN.
Governer: …Yeahokay. *lets English in*
Various ethnic people: *are stereotypes*
Gower: Heh, it’s okay, ’cause I’m an English stereotype too….
Henry: *has random campfire speech* Jeez, being king really sucks.
Fluellen: Hey, remember that fat dude from the last three plays who died?
Gower: Yeah. Falstaff.
Fluellen: Yes, him. We’re not going to let you forget about him.
Boy: *is stabbed*
Henry: That makes me Very. Mad. …Oh. Wait. We won?!?! Um, yay? *marries Katherine*
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Thanks For All The Fish42
in May 25th, 2011 @ 16:42Taming of the Shrew:
Lucentio: I’m young and fresh but there’s the chick I like, so you have to become me, Tranio.
Tranio: Ok, but you have to become a teacher so you can stalk her.
Katherine: BLARGH!
Hortensio+Gremio: Bianca… so pretty… me wants…
Petruchio: I’ll take Katherine. For the money.
Baptista: Everyone’s getting married at the same time…
Bianca: *teases Lucentio then kisses*
Hortensio: Screw it, she likes him.
Katherine: Why am I marrying him?
Petruchio: Because I’m in parachute pants.
Katherine: O.O Oh wait I kinda’ like you now.
Lucentio: Time to get married!
*after dinner*
Bianca+Widow: We hate all of you now.
Lucentio+Hortensio: Shoot.
Katherine: OBEY YOUR HUSBANDS!
Lucentio: …. this is weird ….
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Armada
in May 25th, 2011 @ 20:49TOTALLY. *nods* I think you got that down.
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Koko's Apprentice
in May 25th, 2011 @ 18:46Call of the Wild:
Dog kidnapped, becomes wild
John Thornton: Good dog! *Dies*
Buck: Awoooooo! *runs away with wolf pack*
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Bibliophile
in May 25th, 2011 @ 19:31Has anyone seen A Series Of Unfortunate Events: 12 books in 120 seconds? It’s awesome, although I’m not sure I remember the title properly.
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oobatooba
in May 25th, 2011 @ 19:50Since everyone is reducing Shakespeare, people will probably like the reduced Shakespeare stuff too.
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Armada
in May 25th, 2011 @ 20:50There are some good ‘Hamlet in 1/3/5 minutes’ out there… There was an especially good one-minute rap version which I really liked. ‘Tis on YouTube.
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muselover
in May 26th, 2011 @ 01:07The first two X-Men movies:
1. Magneto: I have made a device that turns people into mutants! Unfortunately, I do not know that it kills them afterwards.
The X-Men: It kills people afterwards.
Magneto: Whatever.2. Striker: My son was a mutant and he was evil, therefore all mutants are evil!
Wolverine: No they aren’t.
Striker: Whatever.Or, an even shorter summary for the entire trilogy:
Magneto: Kill all humans!
Audience: HE HAS CLAWS!! AWESOME!Also, here’s The Giver:
A 12-year-old gets a job where an old guy gives him massages.
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Choklit Orange
in May 27th, 2011 @ 03:57(from Wait Wait… Don’t Tell Me)
Pride and Prejudice- Lizzie: I hate that guy! … actually, he’s kind of hot…
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muselover
in May 27th, 2011 @ 08:03From the same episode:
Lolita-Message removed for violation of terms of service.
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Rainbow*Storm
in June 12th, 2011 @ 12:32Harry Potter: In Godric’s Hollow he was born and raised; at Hogwarts he was going to spend his days. But then a couple of Death Eaters up to no good, started making trouble in the neighborhood. He survived one little curse and Dumbledore got scared; he said, “You’re moving with your aunty and uncle in Privet Drive”.
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Agent Lightning
in June 12th, 2011 @ 12:43That last bit doesn’t rhyme.
POSSIBLESPOILERHARRYPOTTERPOSSIBLESPOILER
He didn’t get scared; it was for Harry’s own protection. Oh, wait, he was scared… for Harry… And his parents died, so he had to live there.
It wasn’t one little curse…
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Rainbow*Storm
in September 19th, 2011 @ 21:29Revised version: In Godric’s Hollow he was born and raised, at Hogwarts he was going to spend his days. He was chilling, maxin’, relaxin’ all cool; cause one day he would go to wizard school. But then a couple of Death Eaters who were up to no good, started making trouble in the neighborhood. He survived one little curse and Dumbledore got scared, he said “You’re moving with your aunty and uncle under the stairs.”
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Agent Lightning
in June 12th, 2011 @ 12:45I’m not sure if this goes on here, but apparently there’s a youtube video called “50 Disney Spoilers in less than 5 minutes”.
“This guy and this girl get together and live happily ever after, the end. This guy and this girl get together and live happily ever after, the end. This guy…”
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small but fierce
in November 15th, 2011 @ 02:08Animal Farm:
Look, animals are happy! Oh wait, they’re being manipulated. Ha, Stalinism!
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small but fierce
in November 21st, 2011 @ 19:39Alternate “Animal Farm” Quick Read:
Allegorical tale. Curse those pigs.
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small but fierce
in November 23rd, 2011 @ 00:05(I just reread this. Wow.)
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small but fierce
in November 25th, 2011 @ 21:23(Wow, fourth post in a reply chain. But this is craziness.)
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small but fierce
in November 15th, 2011 @ 02:13Catcher In The Rye
Holden Caulfield: Angst angst angst angst profanity life sucks I’m a jerk angst.
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KaiYves
in November 15th, 2011 @ 07:44YES. THIS. I hated that little jerk. Jar-Jar Binks is at least funny, Holden is just annoying.
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Zinc
in November 17th, 2011 @ 18:41From Tumblr, edited due to language:
After studying for three hours, here is what I have gathered Europe is doing in the eleventh through thirteenth centuries.
Christianity: Wow man it sure is easier to worship god and not go to Hell now this is super duper
Peasants and Nobles: Man we hate corrupt clergy time for like six million reforms that keep failing
Jews: We don’t bother anyone just living in these ghettos you make us live in
Muslims: We’ve just got our empire over here NBD
Papacy: Screw you monarchs and nobles we be rollin’ we run the world
Inquisition: NO ONE SUSPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
Catholic Church: Get out of here Eastern Orthodox church you are annoying here we excommunicated you
Eastern Orthodox Church: Well we excommunicated you too so there
Catholic Church: Let’s go on some freaking CRUSADES
Eastern Othodox Church: YEAH
Peasants: Let’s kill some Jews
Jews: What the heck guys not cool
Catholic and Eastern Orthodox Churches: They see us crusadin’, they hatin’
Catholic Church: Crusadin’ against the Eastern Orthodox Church lol
Eastern Orthodox Church: Are you KIDDING ME
Jews: Ugh we are just going to Eastern Europe bye
Muslims: Wow Christians only one crusade out of like four worked out for you and you lost everything from that one way to go
Christians: Well we’re not crusading anymore we’re just fighting with all the other religions all the time
Muslims: Okay
Jews: Oh
Pagans: Dangit
Genghis Khan: Hey guys
Europe: Crap
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Rainbow*Storm
in November 17th, 2011 @ 19:35Small but fierce – Are you in my school district?! We read both of those books this year.
Hamlet:
Hamlet: *is DAVID TENNANT* My dad is dead and my mom married my uncle. Life sucks.
Ghost: Woo! I am a scary ghost! And my brother killed me!
Hamlet: Lolwut. *goes crazy* *kills Polonius* *is DAVID TENNANT*
Ophelia: *goes crazy* *drowns self*
Laertes: My sister is DEAD and now I am EMO.
Hamlet: Pff, you can never be as emo as me.
Laertes: Yeah, well STAB STABBY STAB
Hamlet: STAB STABBY STAB
King: *dies*
Queen: *dies*
Laertes: *dies*
Hamlet: *dies* *is DAVID TENNANT*
Horatio: Well, looks like I’m the only one left … wait, don’t you guys remember me? … I’m that guy from the beginning … No? … okay.
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small but fierce
in November 17th, 2011 @ 20:01No – I read these a while back and felt like posting.
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Agent Lightning (who needs to be working on her NaNo)
in November 21st, 2011 @ 18:00AL: *IS WATCHING THAT MOVIE IN THIRTY-MINUTE INTERVALS BECUASE OF DAVID TENNANT*
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Agent Lightning (who needs to be working on her NaNo)
in November 21st, 2011 @ 18:01Supersize Me: A man in NY eats fast food for thirty days in the name of science; meanwhile a girl in NC slowly dies silently screaming in a health class.
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Rosebud2
in November 21st, 2011 @ 19:13^Story of my life. Except in MI.
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small but fierce
in November 21st, 2011 @ 19:28Lord of the Flies:
Look, we’re stranded on an island! Let’s kill some guys to make a point about human nature.
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small but fierce
in November 21st, 2011 @ 19:36Taming of the Shrew
Katherine: I HATE EVERYTHING YOU ALL ARE SIMPLE-MINDED FIENDS
Petruchio: Marry me.
Katherine: SCREW YOU WHAT IS THIS
Petruchio: I’ll take that as a yes.
(He shows up in a tunic made of badger.)
Katherine: Gentle husband, let’s eat cake.
Petruchio: HA NO TIME FOR CAKE LET’S GO TO MY CASTLE
(They go to his castle.)
Petruchio: My love, let’s eat food. WHAT IS THIS FOOD THIS IS NOT FOOD YOU CANNOT EAT IT FOR YOU ARE TOO LOVELY
Katherine: But my love –
Petruchio: FREAKING DEAL.
(Other stuff happens. Next morning:)
Petruchio: Oh, a dressmaker will give you clothes. THESE DRESSES SUCK OH MY GOD YOU’RE TOO BEAUTIFUL I REFUSE TO LET YOU WEAR THEM
Katherine: Darn.
(Other stuff happens. They go home.)
(Other characters who I have been neglecting show up.)
Katherine: Obey your husbands!
Everyone: Yay!…and then I deleted all the subplots…
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Agent Lightning (who needs to be working on her NaNo)
in November 25th, 2011 @ 09:57OotP (will contain spoilers)
Angsty teen slits hands, has bad dreams, botches relationships Meanwhile a teenage rebellion is staged and the dog dies at the end.
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small but fierce
in November 27th, 2011 @ 16:04Once On This Island
Gods mess with this girl’s life. There is social commentary. Then she is sad and dies. But she becomes a tree, so it’s all good.
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Agent Lightning
in December 31st, 2011 @ 07:34The End of Time:
A doctor tries to help a compulsive eater who hears things in his head.
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Agent Lightning
in November 24th, 2012 @ 21:31Rudy (a football movie)
I’m five foot three and weigh one hundred pounds. I don’t currently go to Notre Dame, which currently has the best football program ever, and I don’t have anywhere near the grades to go to Notre Dame. Given this information, it seems a reasonable goal to set for myself to play football for Notre Dame.
Uh, no. That’s not happening. Sorry.
I’m going to keep trying and eventually it’s going to happen.
Nope. That’s really not hapening.
Well I failed a million times. I’m going to keep trying.
Yeah. Let me know when that happens.
*plays football for Notre Dame*
Lolwhut.
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KaiYves
in February 12th, 2013 @ 17:51Touch the Sky: A millionaire acrobat trains as a cosmonaut, hangs out with astronauts and Bono, and goes to the space station.
Zero Dark Thirty (according to a commentor on another site, I haven’t seen it): Spoiler alert– bin Laden dies.
Hail Columbia!: Two guys fly the space shuttle into space for the first time and shoot an IMAX movie. There is 80s hair and fashion.
The Dream is Alive: One of those guys and a bunch of other people fly the space shuttle into space, launch satellites, and shoot an IMAX movie. There is even more 80s hair and fashion.
Space Station: Some different people fly the space shuttle into space, some other people fly a Soyuz into space, they build the first part of the International Space Station, live there, and shoot an IMAX movie. There is no 80s hair or fashion because it’s 1998-2002-ish.
Hubble 3-D: Some other *other* people fly the space shuttle into space to fix the Hubble space telescope for the last time except they almost didn’t because the mission was canceled but then it wasn’t. They fix the Hubble and shoot an IMAX movie. There is no 80s hair or fashion because it’s 2009.
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KaiYves
in February 25th, 2013 @ 13:16Strato-Lab V:
Congratulations, Malcolm Ross! You and your copilot set a new record for highest crewed balloon flight!
Ross: Yay!
Other than that Yuri Gagarin guy a few weeks ago, you’ve flown higher than any humans in history!
Ross: I know!
And those spacesuits you were testing worked great, NASA’s going to be thrilled!
Ross: Hurray!
Now after you land, your copilot will fall out of the capsule and drown.
Ross: What? No!
And the very next day, Alan Shepard will fly into space, stealing your headline and American altitude record.
Ross: You mean…
That’s right, you held the record for highest flight by an American for ONLY ONE DAY.
Ross: Not fair!
But your record for highest human balloon flight will stand until… no, actually… wait, no… it will still stand as of 2013.
Ross: Really?
Yes, but only because the two people who went higher didn’t bother coming down with their balloons and that means their records are unofficial.
Ross: Nuts.
But because you still hold the official record, that data point will be recorded in Earth Science textbooks for the next fifty years. (And actually probably until somebody goes higher and comes down with their balloon.) So in those diagrams of height and air pressure in the atmosphere, your memory will silently live on.
Ross: At least that’s something…
Malcolm Ross, this is your life!
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KaiYves
in June 13th, 2013 @ 21:56St. Helens (a 1981 made-for-TV disaster movie that I watched last night about– well, guess…)
*Techno-ish music plays over aerial shots of the Cascade range*
*In the area around Mount Saint Helens, WEIRD NATURAL THINGS happen and ANIMALS ACT STRANGELY*
*Some scared quail crash into the windshield of a helicopter flown by Otis the Pilot, blinding him and causing him to drop the log he was transporting*
Loggers: “You almost killed us, you moron!â€
Otis the Pilot: “Yeah, because I totally ASKED birds to crash into me.â€
Loggers: “Whatever, we will now hold this against you for the rest of the movie because you’re black.â€
*The Sheriff drives up*
Sheriff: “Woah, that was weird.â€
Sinister Businessman Guy: “Yeah, and you should do something about it, ‘cause you’re the sheriff!â€
Sheriff: “Eh, I’ll look into it.â€
*The Sheriff drives away to continue his rounds*
*Harry Truman is fishing with his dog off a dock next to a sign that says “No Fishingâ€. Oooh, rebel.*
Sheriff: “Harry?â€
Truman: “That’s me, Harry Truman, (no not that one) the most real person in this movie.â€
Sheriff: “A bunch of quail hit Otis the Pilot’s helicopter earlier and almost made him crash. But usually quail don’t fly that high, so it’s weird.â€
Truman: “Well, let me suggest a humorously mangled description of CFC damage to the ozone layer as the cause while swearing once per sentence to establish my character to the audience as a crusty-but-well-meaning old man who doesn’t know much about science.â€
Sheriff: “Yeah, somehow I don’t think it’s spray cans, but our audience will sure enjoy a laugh about something that was a serious issue at the time of production.â€
*More earthquakes and landslides happen*
News reporter: “Today the Iran Embassy Hostages have been in captivity for more days that it actually was at this point in time, you’d really expect the filmmakers to get that right, since it was only a few months before they made this film. Oh, and in other news, the United States Geological Survey has sent a scientist to investigate the sudden geological activity at Mount Saint Helens.â€
*Airplane lands at airport in Vancouver and Dr. Jackson gets out*
Sheriff: “Are you the bright and impetuous young geologist with a reputation for recklessness and friction with his bosses sent by Central Casti—er, the USGS to investigate the volcano?â€
Dr. Jackson: “That’s right, I’m Dr. David Jackson, a totally original character who is definitely not based on anyone from real life.â€
Sheriff: “Just how old are you?â€
Dr. Jackson: “I will answer that question in a brusque manner to establish to the audience that I am an insufferable genius and begin our relationship on a frosty note so that we may gradually grow into friendly allies over the course of the film. Now help me carry my gear.â€
Sheriff: “Okay!â€
*They drive into town, discussing volcanology and the Native American myths about the mountains in the area*
*Jackson tests out his camera equipment in his room before coming down to the inn’s restaurant, where he eats at a table with the Sheriff, his wife, and Linda the Waitress*
Sinister Businessman Guy: “Hey, are you that geologist guy the government sent?â€
Dr. Jackson: “Last I checked, yes. I’m here to monitor volcanic activity in the area.â€
Sinister Businessman Guy: “Volcanic activity?!? I’ve lived around here my whole life and we’ve never had any of that. Listen, kid, I run the logging company and own like half this town and I can tell you, if people thought that volcano was going to erupt, it would be really bad for business. Mostly my business, I mean. So you should be careful what you go around saying, don’t want to start a panic…â€
Dr. Jackson: “I liked this scene better when it was in ‘Jaws’, and there it kind of made sense because it was just one shark and not a HUGE CAKING VOLCANO that could wipe out the town. Pretending there’s no danger because it’s good for business doesn’t get rid of the danger, it just gets people killed.â€
Sinister Businessman Guy: “Yeah, well just watch what you say, kid. If it turned out the volcano was going to erupt, this place would be a ghost town.â€
*Dr. Jackson goes back to his table, where Linda the Waitress and the Sheriff’s wife were talking about how they thought he was hot*
Dr. Jackson: “Want to dance?â€
Linda the Waitress: “Okay.â€
*Flirty romantic stuff*
*Dr. Jackson drops Linda off at her house and bonds with her son talking about the Galapagos Islands*
*The next morning, Otis the Pilot is driving through town, when the jerk loggers from before start following him and muttering about how they’re going to get revenge (for what was an ACCIDENT, let’s not forget)*
*They run him off the road and crash into his car so that it gets suck on railroad tracks. Otis gets out of the car and runs away while they’re still turning around to get back to the spot*
Logger #1: “He’s not here? Well then, let’s smash his car up with wrenches and hammers!â€
Logger #2: “Yeah, that’ll teach him to have accidents totally beyond his control!â€
Logger #3: “Seeing such violent racist rednecks in a movie airing only a year after the eruption will surely help tourism to southern Washington State recover!â€
*They smash up Otis’ car, while he hides at a railroad station-y place nearby and there is a kind of lame-ish action sequence as he fights them one-by-one*
*Dr. Jackson drives by as two of the loggers have ganged up on Otis. He runs out and joins the fight, helping Otis beat them up*
Dr. Jackson: “Do you do this every morning?â€
Otis the Pilot: “Only on Tuesdays and Thursdays, the other days I go to the gym! Ha, ha, ha, laugh, audience, that could have been a legitimately funny line but not the way I delivered it!â€
Dr. Jackson: “Well, I’m just glad I was able to save you and prove to the audience that although I’m an intellectual, I’m still enough of an action guy to be the hero of this film. Those ‘Reagan-era stereotypes of masculinity’ that are always mentioned in fancy academic critical analysis essays and all that…â€
Otis the Pilot: “Hey, you’re that volcano guy, aren’t you? Convince me of the danger so that I can become another of your allies against the Sinister Businessman Guy.â€
Dr. Jackson: “Sure thing.â€
*Dr. Jackson talks on the phone to his supervisors at the USGS who don’t believe him and meets with the Sheriff to discuss evacuation plans in the event of an eruption*
Sheriff: “Fortunately, there aren’t too many people living close to the mountain itself this time of year. Just some campers and the loggers working for the Sinister Businessman Guy. But to find out exactly where people will be, we should go talk to Harry Truman.â€
Dr. Jackson: “Oh, okay. From your description, he sounds like a very nice old man and I’m sure he’ll be happy to help us.â€
*Romantic flirty stuff as Dr. Jackson and Linda the Waitress walk beside a stream in the woods and talk about the Wizard of Oz*
Truman: *honks horn* “Who’s the idiot who parked in the middle of the road?â€
*Dr. Jackson runs up and they get in a shouting match*
Truman: “Stupid hippie freak! What are you, high?â€
Dr. Jackson: “Geriatric idiot! This is unintentionally reminiscent of the bulldozer scene from ‘Up!’ that won’t be filmed for two decades!â€
*Jackson moves his car and Truman drives off*
Dr. Jackson: “Who was that?â€
Linda the Waitress: “Oh, that was Harry Truman.â€
*Dr. Jackson collapses into his seat in a frustrated and embarrassed way that is legitimately funny*
*Truman actually does work with him and the Sheriff in a helpful and friendly way, but needles Jackson about the argument*
*More outbursts and earthquakes cause media attention to be focused on the volcano and Dr. Jackson’s USGS Bad Boss to come to the town*
Bad Boss: “Jackson, I’m disgusted to see you here even though I’m probably the one who assigned you to come here! I think you are too reckless and disorderly and hate you for other personal reasons which I allow to influence my view of your reports even though it is unscientific!â€
Dr. Jackson: “The love is mutual, sir.â€
Bad Boss: “Right, now let’s go analyze your data even though I already know that the volcano isn’t likely to erupt anytime soon.â€
*A bunch of people come to see the volcano’s activity, including a guy with suspenders who Harry Truman yells at for asking to use his bathroom*
*There is a town meeting where the Sinister Businessman, supported by the Bad Boss, encourages the townspeople to sign waviers letting them go near the mountain even if an evacuation is ordered*
Dr. Jackson: “You’re encouraging people to risk their lives!â€
Sinister Businessman Guy: “This is only good for business. How are people supposed to provide for themselves if they can’t go to their summer houses and recover their belongings, and how are my workers supposed to eat if they can’t log in the forests?â€
Dr. Jackson: “Yeah, and how well will they be able to eat or provide for themselves if they’re DEAD? If that volcano erupts, anyone and anything in the danger zone will DIE HORRIBLY! Seriously, did all of you people fail 8th Grade Earth Science or something?â€
Sinister Businessman Guy: “Actually, we did.”
*Most of the people ignore him, but a few do listen and don’t get the waviers*
*The Sinister Businessman Guy makes a huge profit housing all of the people who come at his inn. Linda the Waitress drops a plate and he is really rude to her in response, she quits and storms out. Romantic flirty stuff as Dr. Jackson gives her emotional support and she tells him she loves him.*
*And then, while they’re out there talking about their feelings, there’s an earthquake*
Audience: “Perfect timing.â€
*The Bad Boss has a press conference*
Bad Boss: “Yes, the earthquakes are serious, but we have no way of knowing if the volcano is going to erupt anytime in the near future. The only way to know would be to get samples from the volcano’s crater itself and I’m pretty sure nobody is crazy enough to do that.â€
*And of course we then cut to Otis the Pilot flying Dr. Jackson into the crater to take samples. He has to dodge various sudden geysers of mud and rock and it is very tense and frightening*
Otis the Pilot: “Let’s get the h-e-double-sticks out of here!â€
Audience: “You said it!â€
*The Bad Boss is on the phone with the governor, taking credit for having one of his men recover the samples and encouraging the governor to evacuate the area*
Bad Boss: “Yes, he’s right here, I’ll tell him you think he’s very brave.†*hangs up* “Jackson, that was crazy and irresponsible, you’re a reckless moron and I hate you even though you were right!â€
Dr. Jackson: “I’m irresponsible? You’re the one who told people there was no danger and encouraged them to sign those waviers! You’re not a scientist, you’re a politician, telling people what they want to hear instead of what’s true! You can’t put profits before people’s lives! And various other things that will sound harsher in hindsight after the ‘Challenger’ accident!â€
*The National Guard comes in to enforce the evacuation order and sets up barricades. Harry Truman refuses to evacuate and talks to reporters (including this one British guy with a cool scarf) about how much he loves the area where he lives and how he wants to die there. While Dr. Johnson and the Sheriff are at the barricade, a Creepy Cult Guy and a teenage girl come up to see them*
Audience: “Oh Koko, are they really going to go for that old joke? Throwing a girl in the volcano?â€
Creepy Cult Guy: “Colonel, I can solve your problem, just take us up to the top of the mountain so I can perform my ritual and then this fifteen-year-old virgin will jump into the crater and appease the god of the volcano!â€
*Dr. Jackson and the Sheriff do a double take*
The Sheriff and Dr. Jackson: “…No.â€
Creepy Cult Guy: “Suit yourself, this offer might not be good tomorrow!†*creepy laugh*
Audience: “BRAIN BLEACH! BRAIN BLEACH!â€
*The Sinister Businessman Guy drives up and yells at the National Guard guys about how the barricades are hurting his business and how he has to be let through, etc.*
*Back at the inn, Dr. Jackson and Linda the Waitress watch Truman talking to reporters on TV. Everybody but them cheers when he says he won’t leave.*
Dr. Jackson: “Now, I like Harry, but it isn’t responsible for the news media to celebrate not evacuating.â€
Linda the Waitress: “Did you just use ‘responsible’ and ‘news media’ in the same sentence?â€
*Romantic flirty stuff as she tries to read his palm and tells him he has a long life line and will have seven children*
*Linda the Waitress and her son have a dramatic and actually pretty sad goodbye with Dr. Jackson as they get into Otis the Pilot’s helicopter to leave for safety*
Dr. Jackson: “I promise, we’ll see each other again really soon, after the volcano’s erupted and I’ve taken my data.â€
*He hangs out with Truman discussing Life, the Universe, and Everything and before heading to his camp*
Dr. Jackson: “Okay, now since everything that happened to me in the past hour or so was a generic disaster movie plot with some details of the real eruption woven in, it should be clear that I’m not David Johnston, right? None of those clichéd romance or conflict subplots happened to him in real life. So I’m clearly just an original disaster movie protagonist who happens to resemble him, which means I’m entitled to survive the eruption and get a happy ending, right?â€
Script Gods: “Wrong!â€
Dr. Jackson: “Nuts.â€
*The volcano erupts, and the stock footage is used very well and is quite scary and effective. Jackson, Truman, and possibly the suspender guy, the Sinister Businessman Guy, and some of the loggers are killed.*
*Linda the Waitress hears on the radio that Jackson and Truman were killed and emotionally adjusts her sleeping son’s bedcovers*
*The post-eruption devastation is shown, including a small plant growing out of the ash*
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Robert Coontz (Administrator)
in June 14th, 2013 @ 11:44Thanks, KaiYves! If ever I should be tempted to see this movie, the memory of this excellent interpretative summary will strengthen my resolve to resist. And if I wind up watching it anyway, I’ll enjoy it more for having read your post.
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KaiYves
in June 14th, 2013 @ 12:38You’re welcome. I showed this to my supervisor at the archeology lab and she laughed the whole way through, which I suppose means I must have done something right.
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