Quotations, v. 2012
Your wish is our command.
Continued from version 2011.
Date: January 18, 2012
Categories: Life, Nonrandom Craziness, The Universe
Thursday, 18 April 2024
Life, the universe, pies, hot-pink bunnies, world domination, and everything
Your wish is our command.
Continued from version 2011.
Date: January 18, 2012
Categories: Life, Nonrandom Craziness, The Universe
“You either die a hero or live long enough to become a villain.” – Harvey Dent, in one of the best moments of foreshadowing ever.
“I don’t want to die now! I’ve still got a headache! I don’t want to go to heaven with a headache, I’d be all cross and wouldn’t enjoy it!” – Arthur Dent, in a moment that’s not at all foreshadowing.
The connection there shouldn’t have been “Arthur Dent is Darth Vader!” at all, should it have been?
Some of the best metaphors and similes ever:
“The little boat floated across the lake exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.”
“He spoke with the king of knowledge that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at an eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it, and now goes around the country talking at high schools and warning people not to look at eclipses without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.”
“She grew on him like she was e-coli and he was room temperature beef”
“Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever”
“Jim and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had never met.”
“It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing their kids around the house with chainsaws.”
The last one is the best, in my opinion. But they’re all funny.
The second one actually is very workable, just a run-on sentence.
The fourth one was in my 6th grade English textbook. (It’s a shame we didn’t use the book more often that year).
The second-to-last one is my personal favorite, so far.
In which BP is a popular, slightly crazy kid from my school, Steve is a guy who plays Minecraft and we are all working on social studies review.
BP: Oh, Jefferson Davis! I remember him from… the Revolutionary War!
Me: *facepalm* You would make a terrible time traveler, BP.
BP: But I am a time traveler. I’m a Time Lord!
Me: Oh, right. I had forgotten.
BP: And my TARDIS is bigger than yours! Ha!
Me: Oh, you did not just- you know what, that’s it. We’re over. ((Sometimes it is best to just give in to him.))
Steve: BP, you just got dumped.
BP: Oh, well– I’ve got an army of evil bugs! In the library! And they can eat your flesh in, like, five seconds! And I’ve got a million of them! And they’re in your shadow!
Me: You don’t even know the Vashta Nerada’s name?
BP: I… knew their name… I just… thought you’d need some help.
Paperclip showed him Doctor Who and we always end up making references to it on accident. It’s crazy.
Dumas, in response to a man who insulted his mixed-race background.
“My father was a mulatto, my grandfather was a Negro, and my great-grandfather a monkey. You see, Sir, my family starts where yours ends.”
Camus, The Fall
“Ah, mon cher, for anyone who is alone, without God and without a master, the weight of the days is dreadful. Hence, one must choose a master, God being out of style.”
“God is obviously a yeast! I mean, what do we praise god the most for? Wine and bread, right? He is so a yeast!”
-My friends bible teacher (who also happens to be my mother)
“I want a restaurant where all of the waiters are twins in pajamas serving tea and talking in Dalek voices”
-The same friend who was int eh bible class after seeing my brothers do exactly that.
5- I want that restaraunt too!
Littlest Brother: “I’m gonna blow up Justin Beiber!”
Me: “THANK YOU.”
~Later~
LB: “I’m gonna blow up Lady Gaga!”
Our Dad: “What did she ever do to you?”
Me: “Have you heard her music?”
Dad: “Well, I wouldn’t call it music…”
–My brother was playing a video game.
Littlest Brother: “The savages are trying to get off your island!”
Our Dad: “OK, I heard that as, ‘The savages are trying to bite off your eyelids’.”
*everyone laughs*
LB: “The savages are trying to bite of your eyelids?!?”
Me: “OK, now I heard that as ‘The sandwiches are trying to bite off your eyelids’!”
~Later~
Me: “OK, so we got from savages off your island to savages bite your eyelids to sandwiches bite your eyelids to fried chicken to fried chicken sandwiches?”
LB: “Yep!”
Me: “Does this make sense to anyone else?”
Dad: “No.”
Me: “Good.”
“If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100 dollars, get one million miles to the gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.” -Robert X. Cringely.
“Draco Malfoy is the Wesley Crusher of the Death Eaters.” -Me
(a neurologist, as a response to a patient with Parkinson’s asking about the claims that smoking can lower Parkinson’s risk)
“I think it doesn’t actually prevent Parkinson’s rather than just making you die of something else first.”
My relatives that are dead of lung cancer due to smoking are rolling in their graves.
So is mine.
So is my maternal grandfather.
Me: (in my zombified early Monday morning state)
My friend: “[bubbles], you look like you were bitten by a tsetse fly!”
Disease humor…..
“Don’t mention the Mi-go.”
-Something that is very likely to become an inside joke with a few of my friends.
“If schlep wasn’t already a word, it would make a really good English version of bushusuru.” -me (“bushusuru” is Japanese slang for “to vomit unexpectedly,” referring to the first President Bush puking on the Japanese Prime Minister at a state dinner).
“Newt Gingrich plans to colonize the moon. Am I alone in hoping he’ll be its first permanent resident?” -my mom.
“You’re like a combination of a flower child, a really quiet political pundit, and a yoga master.” -a friend, trying to describe me.
“I would literally rip out your vocal cords. Actually, not literally.”
“Oh, thank heavens.”
“Well, I’d need a towel, for one thing…”
-overheard on a Metro bus
“Praise a fool, and you may make him useful.”
— Danish proverb
A few snippets from my Latin professor today:
In response to seeing that someone brought a banana and a water bottle: “Ah yes, the classic bananas and gin.”
In response to Lucretius’ discussion of the soul: “I have seen no proof whatsoever that anyone under (you said you were twenty-seven?) the age of twenty-nine has a soul.”
-In response to someone saying that he would be absent on Thursday because he was driving to Kansas City: “What, going to the mall to see the catgirls?”
Say what you will, we classicists have a better sense of humor and a more relaxed work ethic than most academicians.
“The first step is to blackmail the king of Bohemia into buying Google.”
– Me
“The problem with Nineveh is that I just stepped on it and turned it blue.” – My Languages and Decipherment professor.
“The Problem with Nineveh” would make a good short-story title.
Yes, it would…
It would make an amazing short story title. If a MBer writes this story, please post it.
In Chemistry class today:
Me: *drops pencil* “Darn proton!”
J: *cracks up laughing* *tries unsuccessfully to stop thrice* “OK, I won’t be able to stop laughing for the rest of the period now.”
Me: *picks up pencil* “Great, tip snapped off!”
J: *still laughing* “Wait-”
Me: “I’m going to sharpen it.” *attempts to sharpen pencil, but the tip snaps off in the sharpener as soon as there is a tip again to break* *returns to seat angrily* “So I dropped my proton and the tip broke, and then it broke again!”
J: “How would you even know if you dropped a proton?”
Me: “…I was going to color the proton orange…”
J: *stops laughing* “That would make sense, then.”
“When you’re done with the flamethrower, dear, I’d like to use it.” -my mom (it’s actually a candle lighter, but it emits a really strong, straight-out flame, and I was using it to cook the top of a creme brulee).
“Huh. It’s like a cold latke on a stick.” -me, trying to describe R101’s curly fries. Which, by the way, are a really cool way to use potatoes.
“You’ve been parasoled!” -a note a friend and I left on the windshield of our mutual enemy, after we stuck a lot of those little paper cocktail umbrellas to his car. Did you know you can buy those in bulk?
SFTDP.
Me: “And I wasn’t sure whether to give MuseBlog the TARDIS or a sonic screwdriver.”
T: “You should have used K9!”
Me: *facepalm* “You’re right! I totally should have done that! But it’s too late now, I already turned in my project…”
Pink-Haired Girl: “What are you talking about?
T: “We’re talking about Doctor Who, but you wouldn’t get it, because you don’t watch Doctor Who.”
PHG: “No I don’t.”
T: “I’ve watched all of Doctor Who. Every season.”
Me: “Cool! I’ve only seen the New Who.”
T: “OK, go watch the Old Who and don’t talk to me again until you do.”
Me: “I-”
T: “No. Go watch the Old Who and don’t talk to me again until you do.”
Me: “OK! OK!”
My school is awesome. (I probably would have said “EXTERMINATE!” instead, but my Dalek impersion is terrible.)
SFTTP. Sorry, that was supposed to say “impersonation” not “impersion”.
“Honey badger don’t care? Really? Maybe shove honey badger out of an airlock into the vacuum of space and see if he cares then. Tardigrade don’t care.”
– Hank Green
“I mean, is it a ghost? Is it an alien? Is it an alien ghost?” – Some guy on YouTube reviewing X-Files episodes.
Recently, my friends were discussing how they dealt with the way their religion and science seemed to contradict each other sometimes, depending on interpretation. I (who think that you should decide whether or not to practice a religion based on whether you agree with all of it and not the other way around) was sitting there awkwardly when suddenly, something hilarious happened:
My friend: I heard Satan wanted to be God–
My other friend: What would you call that again? Lust?
Me: … No.
(It was funny, but having to explain what lust actually is can be awkward).
“The world is not the most pleasant place. Eventually your parents leave you and nobody is going to go out of their way to protect you unconditionally. You need to learn to stand up for yourself and what you believe and sometimes, pardon my language, kick some arse.”
-Queen Elizabeth II. Oh, how I love her.
That reminds me of A Series of Unfortunate Events–or more specifically the Gothic Archies songs based on them. The world/is a very scary place/my dear…
“Don’t love and tolerate! Get mad! Invent a combustible Fluttershy THAT BURNS HIS HOUSE DOWN!”
“I’m hiding behind you because you’re invisible.”
“Punk rock bagpipes are the BEST instrument.”
– Various people in my friend group
Tell that first person they are now my idol, okay?
You know, I think I’ve also said that third one a few times in my life…
“I’m not really evil, I’m just misunderstood.” – My Decipherment professor.
Hannelore: “Someday, everything is going to go right for you, and it will be so wonderful you won’t even know what to do.”
Marigold: “…Will there be cake?”
I <3 QC.
I think I've mentioned it before, but Justice's father went to the same college at around the same time, and she's pretty sure she's seen him walking around in Northampton (which is where I used to go to school ((sort of)) and where QC is based).
My friend E met Jeph Jaques at a convention.
Lucky person.
“But see, the nine still has brokendownability!” -My math teacher
The best part is I know exactly what your math teacher was talking about.
“My fedora is not a Ferrarri.” -My mom
“Live your life, listen to your music way too loud, be as crazy and as “different” as you want to be, and always remember that you’re not alone.” ~ Andy Biersack
“Whatever happens, believe in you, believe in life, believe in tomorrow, believe in everything you do, every time.” ~ Bill Kaulitz
“Sometimes the hardest thing to wear is our own skin.” ~ Jayy Von Monroe
“Whenever people see birds flying through the sky, it’s said that they get the urge to go on a journey.”
— Kino from Kino’s Journey, though I can’t remember which episode
“One plus three makes two. In Chemistry. Yes, did you get that for number four?”
-My Chem teacher
In Theater class (we were playing charades):
J: *reads paper* “Wait, what?” *walks over to F for clarification*
Me: *watches intently*
J: *whispers*
F: “Yes.” *pause* “Oh yeah.” *pause* “Yeah, it’s a TV show.”
J: *doubtful* “OK…” *walks back to our team.* *starts miming*
Team (in unison): “TV show.” *pause* “Two words.”
J: *starts to mime a stethoscope*
Me: “DOCTOR WHO!!”
J: *surprised* “Yeah.”
K: “How did you know?? Were you using telepathy with him or something?” *indicates F*
Me: “No. [F] chose it, she couldn’t figure it out, and it was a TV show. It had to be Doctor Who! I just waited long enough to confirm it.”
~Later, after class~
Me: “You probably should have chosen a different show. We’re the only two people in the class who watch Doctor Who.”
F: “Yeah, you’re right. But at least we’re even now.”
(He was referring to the fact that he’d guessed my choice of The Music Man when it was acted out.)
(Shows slide with title “Inca Masonry”) “There, that’s the secret of the Inca: all of them were Masons!”
“It would be great if I had my own theme park… Dantiland. It would have mummies and pirates and khipu… I’d get Neil Gaiman to design it, of course.”
Both from my Lost Languages and Decipherment professor, Professor Danti.
I read that as, “There were the bassoons!”
“I would not want to eat the Gestapo.” -My language arts teacher
Neither would I, honestly. Far too salty for my taste.
Not that I’m particularly into cannibalism.
Really.
I promise.
From a short guide to Japanese body language someone on the Internet typed up:
“Lesson 6:
Walk around with a general look of depression upon your face, as if you have worked the same 9-5 job your entire life, but you have absolutely no job satisfaction, and are completely disgraced by shame every day.”
In Digital Media class today (we were filming video clips, and my project partner and I were insanely hyper and giggly).
Me: “Look at that tree! It’s so beautiful!”
My partner: “Yeah, look at that. It’s all green on one side and grey on the other.”
Me: “Yes! One half is green and blossoming, and the other’s all brown and wilted-looking.”
My partner: “No, it’s not even brown. It’s grey.”
Me: “It’s got to be the most beautiful tree in the whole school.” *stares*
My partner: “Oh yeah.”
Me: “I think I’m in love with the tree.”
My partner: “Aww!”
~Later, different tree (one that I used to stand under after school)~
Me: “MY TREEEEE!!” *runs up and hugs tree*
My partner: “What?! What about the other tree?” *we start walking up a hill to the next place we’ll be filming*
Me: “I cheat on trees.”
My partner: “That’s terrible!”
Me: “OK, fine. He’s actually my ex.” (meaning the tree I’d just hugged)
My partner: “Oh, that must’ve been awkward.”
Me: “No, we’re still friends.”
My partner: “Oh. So what happened?”
Me: “We just sort of grew apart. And he couldn’t stand my singing.”
So now I’m “officially” dating a tree.
“He’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. Although now that you think about it, he might be by default, since he just sent you all the sharpest tools in the shed. ”
-Homestuck
Me: “Have you ever seen that internet joke-” *gasps* “SQUID!!!!”
-I was distracted by a beautiful picture of two squids on my classmate/friend’s paper
“I think of myself as an hourglass banana.”
-The friend I mentioned earlier, talking about her figure (She is a constant source of quotes like this, completely spontaneously.)
Me: *in her room, browsing the internet*
Sister: *barges in* Time for lunch!
Me: It is six o’clock in the evening. You’re eleven years old and you seriously don’t know which meals correspond to which time of the day.
Sister: No, of course I do! I just don’t know what time of day it is.
This honestly happened about an hour ago.
I believe you. It’s a way of life for me.
This happens all the time, though. She never knows what meals we’re having, never has.
I’m kind of scared to think that this might have been the reason why all along.
Littlest Brother: “There’s four of four on Avatar Memorial Island.”
Me: “There’s chloroform on Avatar Memorial Island???”
LB: “Four of four!”
Me: “Oh. That makes a lot more sense.”
Little-Not-Littlest Brother: “If you could bend any element, a specific as you want (like metal or tables), what kind of bender would you be?
Me: “Ooh, that’s a hard one…”
LB: “I’d be a pie-bender!”
Me: “Oh oh! I know who Amon is!”
LNLB: “Who?”
Me: “Amon’s a woman!”
My Dad: “I know who Amon is. Amon is Korra.”
Me: “But you see them in the same room together!”
Dad: “She’s just that good.”
LNLB: “I’d be a space-time continuum bender!”
Me: “So you’d be like a Time Lord without a TARDIS?”
SFTDP.
A week and a half ago, I turned in a research project to my English teacher. This conversation ensued:
Me: “[Teacher], I added some information at the last moment from a source that wasn’t one of the kinds listed. Sorry for not asking you first, it was just so last-minute.”
Teacher: “What was it from.”
Me: “Muse magazine. That’s a-”
Teacher: “Oh, that’s fine then. You’ve showed me that magazine before.”
I love how Muse is such a valuable source of information by my teachers that they don’t give it a second thought as a source for a research paper about careers.
SFTDP. I meant: “is considered such”. Sorry, I changed what I had typed and accidentally deleted that part.
“You have nice legs. People will look at your legs.”
– my mom, encouraging me to join dance team. O.o
Um.
Also said by my mom:
“You probably don’t want a lesbian girlfriend, either. They’d probably be just as much trouble (as a boyfriend).”
“You’d look better naked than Lady GaGa. You have better ab muscles.”
She’s… interesting. XD
Pfffffft
Can’t decide whether to pie or squid.
PIE.
I mean, on the plus side, you have nice legs and someone recognizes that. On the other hand, your mother is encouraging you to go show them off and telling you that people will look.
O.o “Gee, mom. That sure makes me feel…uh…strange.”
Was your mother in show business?
No, she was not.
Teacher: Lessons for life: use big words like ‘paradigm’ and people will think you’re smart.
Me: But if you use it in an incorrect context, you will sound like a fool!”
Various uses of the word paradigm are given, most incorrectly used due to confusion of paradigm’s denotation.
Me: *headdesk*
“Please accept this sandwich as a gesture of solidarity.”
-Castiel
J: *writing something with a concentrated look on ens face*
K: “Ah, you’re still trying to figure that out?”
J: “Well, for starters, I’m screwing gravity.”
SFTDP. I will from now on refer to the friend here called “J” as Deino. En was attempting to create a semi-realistic video game and was writing out ens ideas.
“Please do not use swear words on rollercoasters! I understand your frustration at the ride, but SERIOUSLY! Nobody wants to hear you swear! There are many ways of expressing your frustration without using expletives!”
-Me, riding a rollercoaster
I agree with this entirely.
Deino: “Remember that episode with the deino?”
Me: “You mean the one where its trainer hadn’t come back and it was stuck at the day care?”
Deino: “Yeah, that one. You know, I was really hoping the trainer wouldn’t come back and then Iris would take Deino with her.”
Me: “Yeah, I kept hoping they would find out the trainer was dead and then Iris would have to take Deino with her.”
Schoolmate 1: *stares at Deino and me*
Schoolmate 2: *to Schoolmate 1* “Oh, those two’ve known each other for a while. They’re, like, best friends.”
Deino: “No.”
Me: “…No.”
(Schoolmates 1 and 2 know Deino better than me, and are more used to ens morbid side than mine.)
Me: “This is a really good book, but it’s pretty whimsical. If you like whimsical books, you should seriously read this.”
Vaporeon: “I like whimsical books. What’s it called?” *reads* “Un… Lun… Dun?”
Me: “Yeah, Un Lun Dun. It’s like Wonderland, only modern and with carnivorous giraffes.”
Vaporeon: “Oh, I totally have to read that!”
I HAVE to finish that book.
Sheer Madness performer, to school group in red shirts: “Listen to the little communists!”
Everybody: *laughs*
Later, when our group is discussing who we think did it…
Boy: “Well, as a good Republican, I am duty-bound to defend the rich guy.”
Me: “Even if it means letting a murderer go free?”
Boy: “It’s for the good of the party.”
Me: “Okay, now who’s a communist?”
Last night at the final lecture for the night:
Teacher: The crux of this talk is about three linked ideas, all of which, due to my cleverness, being with the letter C.
Students:*titters* *silence*
Teacher (under breath): This lecture has been brought to you today by the letter C…
Students: *room explodes with laughter*.
I love my school.
*begin
“Like sesame street, this class is brought to you by the heavy clunking sound”
-my English teacher
“I am not concerned with the pants.”
-my totally awesome band teacher, whom I will miss very much
“Car” is my classmate in Theater Class and the only other Whovian in the class. “O” refers a non-Whovian classmate of ours. We just finished our soap opera unit. These are all from Friday:
Me: “Nice costume.”
Car: “Thanks.”
Me: “You’re playing the doctor in their soap opera, right?”
Car: “That’s right, I’m The Doctor. Hold on…” *pulls out pencil* *points pencil at me while imitating the sound the sonic screwdriver makes*
Me: “Sorry, I’m made of wood.”
Car: “Ah, darn.”
~later~
Car: *looking at his script* *pointing absentmindedly with a pen*
Me: “When did you get a sonic pen? What happened to your screwdriver?”
Car: *looks up* “I stole it from that Foster lady.”
~after class~
Me: “Why haven’t you changed out of your costume yet?”
Car: “‘Cause I’m still The Doctor in hospital scrubs.”
Me: “Prove it.”
Car: “OK.” *pulls out pencil and points it at drinking fountain*
O: *passes by*
Car: (in a stage whisper) “Hey [O]! Push the button on the water fountain real quick for me.”
O: “Um, what?”
Me: *cracks up laughing* “That doesn’t count!”
Car: “Ssh!”
“Okay, 5 minutes and then work like a madwoman! Or a madgirl. That would probably be better, actually, since most madwomen probably don’t have homework. Unless they’re in college, of course, in which case they’d have much more than me, but I imagine madwomen would have trouble getting into college… Come to think of it, wouldn’t madgirls be unlikely to excel at their schoolwork? DON’T THINK ABOUT IT JUST GET TO IT cake the 5 minutes are up.”
–Me, just now
“And I will sleep out in the glade just by the giant tree
Just to be closer when my spirit’s pulled away
I left a nervous little boy out on the trail today
He’s just a mortal to the shoutin’ cavalcade
I left my heart to the wild hunt a-comin’
I live until the call
And I plan to be forgotten when I’m gone
Yes, I’ll be leavin’ in the fall”
— From “The Wild Hunt” from the album of the same title by The Tallest Man on Earth
I will come out of my long spell of not posting to say I approve.
“It’s like mincemeat hamentoshen!”
-Me, watching the Sweeny Todd themed episode of Good Eats, regarding the folding of the mincemeat pies. I have to admit I wasn’t entirely truthful, though. They had more than three sides.
SFTDP.
“I have officially erased Amy’s face. I think I can expect at any moment now to be chased by angry fans wielding pitchforks and sonic screwdrivers.”
-Me, while editing a photo of the 11th Doctor. (I’m going to isolate The Doctor and then put him in front of a picture of the crack in Amy’s wall. I’m also going to add a caption that says “I reject your version of reality and substitute my own.” Because I’m bored.)
SPOILER SPOILER LEGEND OF KORRA SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER. OH AND ALSO HUNGER GAMES SPOILER. YEAH, I SWEAR IT MAKES SENSE.
Brother: “And he isn’t even noticing Asanti!”
Me: “Of course he isn’t noticing Asanti, Korra’s the one who’s injured! He’s like Katniss, only a guy.”
(We were talking about Mako.)
SFTTP.
“Onions are like underwear; you gotta have ’em.”
-A woman on Chopped
“What you call craziness I call creativity. There isn’t much difference to me.”
–A random lady on the phone that I overheard at the mall.
Shame I was leaving, and she was on the phone, that was a great quote.
“I think it’s nice that Voldemort always waits until the end of the school year to kill harry. Despite his flaws, Voldemort really cares about Harry’s education.”
-the Internets
“We have Chinese food in America, too. But often, it’s expensive and orange.”
– a guy on This American Life
“If you cry me a river, you die.” -Paperclip
“I would fight god for bacon.”
-My littlest brother
I’d fight the Doctor for bacon.
Now that’s impressive.
I’d let both of ’em have their bacon, it’s not really my thing.
“For I am Xander king of cretins. May all lesser cretins bow before me.”-Xander Harris
Me: “Is that a metric ‘great deal of force’ or an imperial ‘great deal of force’?”
My Dad: “That was not a quantification, it was just a great deal. If I say ‘buttload’ then you can ask me that.”
“‘I am Willy Wonka; I will stand here blandly while silently judging you and devising ways to trick you into making yourself explode painfully!'”
“Well, he didn’t actually kill anyone, I mean, she un-exploded at the end–”
“Yes, but she still exploded.”
“Only once!”
“Oh, yeah, that makes everything better. ‘I am Willy Wonka; I will stand here blandly while silently judging you and devising ways to trick you into making yourself explode painfully — but only once!‘”
-me and my sister, while watching clips from SACT’s production of Willy Wonka on YouTube
“How easy it is to observe that a morning began with rain only to become sunny in the afternoon; that a pine tree stood at a particular place, or to note the name of a river bend. This is what people write in their journals. Nothing’s worth noting that is not seen with fresh eyes. You will find in my notebook random observations from along the road, experiences and images that linger in heart and mind–a secluded house in the mountains, a lonely in on a moor.
“I write in my notebook with the intention of stimulating good conversation, hoping that it will also be of use to some fellow traveler. But perhaps my notes are mere drunken chatter, the incoherent babbling of a dreamer. If so, read them as such.”
— BashÅ, The Knapsack Notebook
That, of course, should’ve said “inn”. I was paying more attention to keeping the book open than to typing.
“Desi cooking is so confusing! It’s like, take three pinches of meat and a handful of yogurt, and then strain them together in a dupatta.”
“The rest of the jazz band is there to keep the trombones from hurting themselves.” — my director at music camp
Honestly, I’m more concerned about trombonists hurting the people sitting in front of them. It’s decidedly alarming to be sitting there playing your instrument and have a trombone slide suddenly appear in your peripheral vision.
From band camp:
“It’s like putting a sleeping baby in bed without waking it up, except you’re handing the baby to the trumpets. Actually, that’s a terrible idea.”
(There were no brass players in the room)
“Flutes, you can be way louder than that. Stop being pansies. Everyone, let’s call the flutes the wimpos!”
At breakfast:
“So, I’m dating this girl-”
“You’re DATING a GIRL?!”
*everyone in room starts applauding*
On a more serious note:
“Look. Listen. Feel. Do those things, and your sound will be good.”
Did we go to the same band camp?
If you were in Washington?
Nope. Glad you had a great time, though!
Me: “Do you know how long it took the [Opportunity] rover to reach Mars?”
Little boy: “Ten minutes?”
Me: “Seven months.”
“Aw! They look adorable when they’re unconscious!”
Character Voltaire, in the most recent Friday the Thirteenth event
SFTDP.
Me: “It wouldn’t look right.”
My mother: “Why not? You have the curls for it, it would look great.”
Me: “My hair might, but how many tan gingers do you know??”
(My mother was trying to persuade me to dye my hair to look like that of the main character of Brave.)
Buffy: Giles, there are two things that I don’t believe in. Coincidence, and leprechauns.
Giles: Buffy, it’s entirely possible that they both arrived here by chance simultaneously.
Buffy: Okay, but I was right about the leprechauns, right?
Giles: As far as I know…
“He can write about a person being dead better than anybody I’ve ever seen.” — Stuart Roosa on Edgar Allan Poe.
“America: where we have one week for sharks but only one day for mothers.”
But surely having a National Monument for dinosaurs is a point in our favor.
“If I lived in Rivendell, I could drive a golf cart to high school.”
No, you wouldn’t.
Text from my dad: “Kai, what are those Botanical Garden houses called where the plants live?”
A few minutes later: “I remembered: Greenhouses.”
Kotashi: “Can you look at my outfit and tell me if it looks tacky?”
Me: “You’re asking me for fashion advice?”
Kotashi: “[Cake] straight.”
“Today, you’ll be measuring the volume of a 100mL beaker.”
*shocked eyebrow raise*
I’m not sure whether this is hilarious, or a very poor reflection on whoever said it and a cause for alarm/weeping for the future of humanity.
Does this belong on the fail thread?
“I don’t know anything about Tennessee except that it has bluegrass.”
“Bluegrass? That’s Kentucky!”
“Okay, then, I don’t know anything about Tennessee!”
“Mom, can I borrow your Shakespeare towel?”
“Sure, which one?”
Clearly, your mother is a hoopy frood who knows where her towel is.</em.
I mentioned making oatmeal cookies on the Food thread; today I brought some to school and gave one to each friend whom I see in the school day. This conversation ensued:
Peace Sign *in a begging-child voice*: “Ooh, can I have one? Please??”
Me: “Here.” *gives cookie*
Pekingese *in a warning tone*: “She’s going to love you forever now.”
Peace Sign: “Can I hug you? I know you don’t like hugs, but…”
Me: “Sorry, but I’d really prefer it if you didn’t.”
Peace Sign: “Then how can I show you my appreciation?”
Me: “Just saying thanks is enough. I’m just glad you like my cookies.”
Peace Sign: “Thank you [Random], you are now my only lover.”
Me: “Um…”
Peace Sign: “Or my new best friend, if that makes you uncomfortable.”
Me: “Works for me!”
I am well aware of Peace Sign’s energetic and ever-shifting involvement in her branch of the school’s family tree (which is a lot like the MB family tree, only less incestuous), but this was the first time she tried to pull me into it. The “only lover” thing surprised me, though. I’m pretty sure she has at least three wives.
“You are the only person I know that can injure themself just by rolling over.”
– my friend, to me.
Cskia can do the same!
“You have the emotional maturity of a blueberry scone.”
-Giles, who I occasionally forget is incredibly snarky.
Most blueberry muffinsscones I’ve known have been very mature emotionally. They’re friendly, steady, secure, and reliable, they know who they are, and they don’t play games or inject needless drama into a relationship. Of course, one’s acquaintance with them does tend to be on the short side, but they can’t be faulted for that.
Are scones the same thing as muffins? I didn’t think so. Even if they’re different, I suppose what you said applies equally to both. But why do you say that they’re friendly and know who they are? I’ve never met a blueberry scone or muffin who knew anything.
Granted, they’re not particularly cerebral. But they never try to avoid my company, and they show no signs of confusion or self-doubt. I find them altogether amiable and self-possessed.
“So Christianity is sort of like the Bad Horse of the roman empire”
-My history teacher
“I still don’t get how there can be ghosts of zombies!”
-Me, after a video game monster hunt
Well, according to this website:
http:// zombietheology. com/do-zombies-have-souls/
Zombies that are reanimated dead bodies do not have souls, while zombies that are living people under mind control do.
But what about philosophical zombies?
Depends on their philosophy, I’d think.
You can use philosophy to make zombies?
*looks up*
I don’t know how well I understood that article, but it seems like philosophical zombies are another category altogether since they aren’t “ordinary people” at all and never were. But as to if undeath or mind control could make an ordinary person similar to a philosophical zombie…
Philosophical zombies are people who appear to be just like everyone else but are actually not conscious. These would exist if, for instance, the world you know is just a psychology experiment performed by aliens or a psychopath god, in which one actual person was placed in a world which contained no conscious beings but a great deal of things that acted like them. This would mean that, from your point of view, I, for instance, would not be a person; I’d simply be a very clever simulation–and this would be true of people you’ve met in real life, not just online. Alternatively, you could propose the hypothesis that a mad scientist created one or more automatons that looked and acted just like humans and released them into the world, in which case not everyone would be a philosophical zombie, but some people would. In such a case, there would be no way to predict which people were zombies and which weren’t.
Undead zombies can generally be distinguished from normal people; otherwise, there’d be no point in zombie walks or dressing as undead zombies for Halloween, because they’d be the same as normal walks or trick-or-treating as yourself. In this respect, they are very different from philosophical zombies besides being undead. This is also a way to distinguish between undead zombies and philosophical zombies: if it looks or acts like a zombie and not a normal person, it’s not the philosophical kind. (Granted, if you killed a philosophical zombie, and it becomes an undead philosophical zombie, it would be unlike a person, but then it would be indistinguishable from an ordinary zombie. In fact, if you’re assuming that consciousness comes from souls and that undead zombies do not have souls, then once a philosophical zombie is undead, it is, essentially, a normal, undead zombie).
A person under mind-control (let’s call en a mind-controlled zombie) is also different from a philosophical zombie. For one thing, it has a mind that can be controlled, while a philosophical zombie does not. Regardless, a mind-controlled zombie does not generally behave exactly like a normal person, so there would generally be a detectable behavioral difference. However, if we assume mind control is possible, it is conceivable that someone might, as a practical joke, take control of someone’s mind and erase ens thoughts but make sure that en behaved exactly as en would if en was not a zombie of any kind. Such a mind-controlled zombie would indeed be indistinguishable from a philosophical zombie, but en would also be indistinguishable from a non-zombie. The difference between such a mind-controlled zombie and a philosophical zombie would be that you say mind-controlled zombies have souls, while philosophical zombies certainly do not no matter how you define the term.
Since p-zombies are not conscious beings even though they appear to be, I would say that they could not leave ghosts behind.
However, the whole concept of a p-zombie requires that it is indistinguishable from a conscious human being, so they’d have to leave ghosts behind, otherwise you could perform the “ghost test” on anyone (Kill them. Do they come back to haunt you? If no, they’re a p-zombie).
Of course, all three kinds can be banished by loudly yelling “ZOMBIE GOASTS! LEAVE THIS PLACE!”
I read that as “ZOMBIE GOATS! LEAVE THIS PLACE!”
This is not the same as the ghost test used in one of the Riot Brothers books, which is a test to see if someone is a ghost or a living person.
You’re assuming that all conscious human beings become ghosts. Of course we’re assuming, for the sake of speculation that at least some do, but this does not mean all must. In many traditions, for instance, ghosts are the souls of people with regrets, unfinished business, etc. (In others, such as the Harry Potter novels, becoming a ghost is a choice that not everyone takes).
It’s true, though, that even if not all humans become ghosts, it would be hypothetically possible to perform your ghost test, if not “on anyone,” at least on people who fit whatever the criterion for potential ghost-hood is. Even if the criterion is choice, then if one determined the prior probability of a given person’s becoming a ghost after death, one could kill that person and then use Bayes’ theorem to calculate a more accurate probability of that person’s being a p-zombie. That doesn’t give you absolute certainty, of course, but my in my understanding of p-zombies, there should be no way to determine whether one person is more likely than another to be one.
In a Latin Club meeting today, a friend of mine (I’ll call her Primrose) was trying to persuade me to leave the table I was alone at, and sit with her and her friend. One of the biggest reasons Latin Club is so big is that there’s always free food.
Primrose: *holds up chocolate cookie* “Come to the dark side. We have cookies.”
Me: *holds up vanilla cookie*
Primrose: “Ah, man!” *puts down cookie*
Me: *puts down cookie* *thinks* *picks up Death Note book* “Come to the Light side. We stole the cookies from the dark side.”
Primrose: *laughs*
Later~
Primrose’s friend: “Welcome to the dark side.”
Me: “No, I’m not surprised you lied about the cookies.”
Primrose: “But… They’re right here!” *holds up cookie*
…The Light side.
HAHAHAHAHA I GET IT
“We killed corrupt government officials by writing their names down and stole their cookies.“
I actually hadn’t gotten that far in the series at the time I said that. I was actually referring to the series of quotes: “Come to the dark side, we have cookies”, “Come to the light side, we stole the cookies from the dark side”, and “Welcome to the dark side. Are you surprised we lied about the cookies?” All of which I initially read on the internet.
Although, having read that book a few days later does put an even funnier spin on it.
“Bookes are like Cheese, that is neuer well seasoned to euery mans tast; for one will say it is too salt, another wil say it is too fresh, a thirde will say it is to tart, another thinkes it to be too milde; one will haue it too hard, an|other too soft, another too tough, another too brittle, it neuer pleaseth euery mans tast; no more do Bookes.” (Barnabe Rich)
SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS DOCTOR WHO “ASYLUM OF THE DALEKS†SERIES SEVEN EPISODE ONE SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS “ASYLUM OF THE DALEKS†SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS ASYLUM OF THE DALEKS SPOILERS SPOILERS.
Me: “So I got this pen,” *shows pen, indicating grip attached to it* “and I just can’t help thinking that if it were metal instead of rubber…”
Pekingese: *laughs* “Oh, yeah.”
Me: “I’m writing with dalek technology!”
Pekingese: “Have you actually written with it?”
Me: “Oh yeah. I actually just got a quiz back in Sociology that I filled out in it. Come to think of it, I was the only one in the class to get a hundred on it.”
Pekingese: “Woah. Well, the daleks do have superior intelligence.”
Me: “Yeah, but what’s it supposed to do?”
Pekingese: “It’s supposed to find The Doctor!”
Me: *laughing* “How?”
Pekingese: “It’s touch-activated. If a time traveler touches it, it’ll tell the daleks where he is!”
Me: “But didn’t Oswin make the daleks forget The Doctor even existed?”
Pekingese: “True…”
Me: “Oh god, it’s not full of nanogenes, is it?”
Pekingese: “No, it’s not. It’s gotta be something else.”
Me: “Well, if something shoots out of my forehead, I want you to destroy me, OK?”
Pekingese: “I will do that.”
Non-Whovian: “What are you guys talking about??“
I would be that last person there…
Quotes out of context: “Okay, so it was a disguise to sneak into the Petronas Towers, but the dude looked just like a stockbroker!”
In class today (I’m wearing a bright orange shirt):
Ginger Kitten: “Your shirt is blinding me.”
Me: *laughing* “This is my revenge for all the times you’ve blinded me with your pink shirts!”
Ginger Kitten: “OK, just for that, I’m gonna dress in all pink tomorrow.”
Me: “Go ahead.”
~A few minutes later, Sage came in wearing an equally bright green shirt.~
Me: “See!” *indicates Sage* “I’m not the only one wearing a bright shirt!”
Ginger Kitten: “Aww-” *cuts self off by dissolving into laughter*
~A few minutes after that (Sage sits right behind Ginger Kitten)~
Me: “So, you know that story I tried writing and never finished?”
Ginger Kitten: “Yeah?”
Me: “I’ve started writing it again! The words are finally working for me again!”
Sage: “Oh cool, can I read it?”
Me: *forgetting Sage is a Death Note fan, since I generally think of him as a pacifistic intellectual more than anything else* “Um… I’m not sure if you would like it or not. It’s about a serial killer.”
Sage: “I’d still like to read it.”
Me: “OK, sure! You can read it as soon as I’m done with the first chapter. But that might take a while.”
Sage: “OK, thanks.”
Ginger Kitten: *makes “cute eyes” at me*
I anticipate much teasing from Ginger Kitten tomorrow. I’m surprised she didn’t tease me more today, but she seemed quieter than usual anyway and I think the election had something to do with it (she was very much a Romney supporter).
If anyone was curious, she did tease me today. A lot. Mostly because Sage persuaded me to let him read what little I have written down in my notebook so far. I’m posting the conversation below, but omitting mentions of Ginger Kitten’s “cute eyes” because she was basically making them the entire time.
Me: “This is really only two parts of it. The middle’s on my computer.”
Sage: “OK.” *reads*
~When he finished reading~
Sage: “Wow.” *starts flipping back through the pages, comes to one where I’d written a very rough outline for the chapter setup* “There sure are a lot of murder scenes.”
Ginger Kitten: *laughs*
Me: “Well yeah. She kills one person every night. But, did you like it?”
Sage: “Oh yeah. It was very good.” *flips through some more pages*
Me: *gently but quickly retrieves the notebook* “Want to know what happened in the part that’s on my computer?”
Sage: “Sure.”
~Later, when I was just talking to Ginger Kitten~
Ginger Kitten: “So why did you take the notebook back so suddenly?”
Me: “He’d flipped to a page where I’d written the names of a bunch of characters I’m going to kill. I have a hard time coming up with names, so I wrote them in advance to make sure I’d remember what to call them, and to make sure I didn’t confuse the reader by having multiple characters with the same name. I also wrote next to each name whether I was going to put any character development into them or not.”
Ginger Kitten: “So?”
Me: “The character with the same name as him is on that list!”
Ginger Kitten: *trying not to laugh* “Didn’t you get rid of that character?”
Me: “Well yeah, but I thought I might add him back in later. So if [Sage] had seen it, he’d see his name next to ‘no character development’ since that character only exists to die!”
Ginger Kitten: *makes a face halfway between “cute face” and “trying not to laugh” at me*
Oh, um, to clarify, I created the character with the same name as Sage before I met Sage.
Mom: “A squid skirt? Who would want that??”
Me: “I can think of at least one person…”
Context: She was browsing Etsy and found a ruffled skirt with a squid printed on it. I made a smart remark without thinking.
I imagine many of us would want squid skirts. I’d look for this one myself, except that I only get used clothing (that way I don’t have to worry about how it was made, because no matter what awful things were done, I’m not paying the people who did them).
Yesterday~
Me: “So, you know the character with [Sage’s] name?”
Ginger Kitten: “Oh yeah, what about him?”
Me: “I wrote him back into the story.”
Ginger Kitten: “Cool. Why?”
Me: “Well, I didn’t mean to. The story just wanted it, I guess. I was writing a graveyard scene, and I needed a quiet, compassionate guy to cry over a grave-”
Ginger Kitten: “Stop. You’re going to make me sick.”
Me: “But-”
Ginger Kitten: *laughs* “You are going to make me sick. Do you see the problem here?”
Me: “He doesn’t even know the person who died!”
That was the first time she was the one to call a role-reversal (of course, she was entirely correct in calling it).
Today (I decided I’d better warn Sage about the character with his name before he read that far himself)~
Me: “So I have to warn you, you know how I started writing this freshman year?”
Sage: “Yes?”
Me: “Well, there’s a character in it with the same name as you who dies.”
Sage: “So, you kill me in your book?”
Me: “Well… yeah. Actually, you don’t know the character’s name until after he’s dead and his skull is discovered by his… well, his wife.”
Sage: “So [the killer] leaves his skull?”
Me: “Yeah. It’s sort of her calling card to leave her victim’s skulls with their names carved into them on their pillow or sleeping bag or basically wherever they slept.”
Sage: “Cool.”
Me: “Actually, after I wrote that the first time” [explanation for why I got rid of the character with Sage’s name] “But now I’ve written the character with your name back in. He’s still going to die.”
Sage: “Cool, I can’t wait to read that!”
That went well.
SFTDP.
Littlest Brother: “I saw a cockroach in the garage!”
Stepmother: “I guess we need to call the guys to come deal with the pests.
Me: *in my best dalek imitation – which is still terrible* “EXTERMINATE.”
LB: *imitating my imitation* “INVERTEBRATE.”
Turns out it was a false alarm and no innocent bugs will be persecuted, thankfully.
SFTTP.
“I just happen to look over and you’ve turned into a duck.”
-Me, to my brother just now
“But I don’t wanna be united!”
– My little brother, last night, when I tried to knight him with the Wii remote.
“This is a bullfighting song, so you gotta know this one!”
– my band director
Emily: “Methane is farts, so if they’ve detected methane, it means–”
Boy: “Something is farting on Mars!”
“The arts are not a way to make a living. They are a very human way of making life more bearable. Practicing an art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow, for heaven’s sake. Sing in the shower. Dance to the radio. Tell stories. Write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem. Do it as well as you possibly can. You will get an enormous reward. You will have created something.”
— Kurt Vonnegut
“We meet no ordinary people in our lives.” -C.S Lewis
“I’m Loki, yes. I can only be Loki. But as much as they’re able, I want people to trust me.”
“You’re a manipulative little brat. I trust you about as far as I can throw you. Luckily, that’s a fair way. You’re tiny and I’m pretty damn strong.”
-Journey into Mystery (which I am definitely not reading obsessively)
There was some mythology-themed comics series (not Marvel) that I read, and they gave Thor an absolutely awesome line: “Loki? Truth? When have those words ever been used in the same sentence?”
“The American Southwest, famous birthplace of spicy food and atomic weapons…” – Iron Skeptic
‘I once telegraphed all my friends to leave town, they did so immediately”- Mark Twain
Random teacher: *emerges from the girls’ bathroom* *quietly walks away*
Entire class: *laughs*
Classmate: “That’s right, move along. Nothing to see here, just a man in a dress readying to swing a baseball bat.”
Explanation: Two major things happened in English class today. One: one of my (male) classmates came to school dressed in a garment that looked like a vertically striped, hooded nightgown. Apparently he wanted to see what reactions he would get. Two: The first five people performed their presentations for the anthology project. The presentations were required to include an interactive activity in order to teach the class something. At this time, we had been taken into the hallway (in front of the bathrooms) to learn how to properly swing a baseball bat.
“Gollum’s problems with subject-verb agreement seem to have begun before he was taken by the ring.”
-my mom
“You, my dear, are about as covert as a sledgehammer.”
“Steaks can probably survive breaking the sound barrier.” -XKCD. (In context, it’s even funnier.)
“When I came into this world, I came in crying while everyone around me was laughing and smiling. When I leave this world, I want to be smiling and those around me crying.”
~ Quoted from an Imam whose name I do not know who might have been quoting a significant religious figure.
That could be subject to at several different interpretations. I’ll choose to believe the sweet one.
It is actually meant to be taken the sweet one!
Coming into the world as a child, you cry yet everyone is overjoyed.
What the person wanted was that he could die happy and that the people he knew would weep for him when he dies.
“Nothing beats an astronaut. Ever”
Well, duh.
During orchestra class-
Me: EVERYONE JUST SHUT THE [CAKE] UP.
Guy in the back: …I didn’t know you spoke English.
This morning:
“That’s like saying there were five stars in the sky, and four of them were Betelgeuse!”
Just now:
“BRAIN ASPLODE FROM OVEREXPOSURE TO AWESOMENESS! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
What was the first one a comparison with?
The conversation segment:
“There’s three heavyweights!”
“Yeah, and two of them are Bowser!”
My little brother was playing a video game.
That’s a very apt metaphor, then.
Some random guy in my class: “Oh, most women are evil.”
Me( in my head, welp): HULK SMASH.
Professor: “Has anyone here been to the British Museum?”
*people raise hands*
Professor: “You have?”
Student: “Yes.”
Professor: “Did you see the Elgin Marbles?”
Student: “Yes.”
Professor: “And what did you think?”
Student: “I got in an argument with my sister over if they should return them to Greece.”
Professor: “You see, this class will ruin museums for you.”
What class was that?
The Contested Past. It’s an archeology class about legal controversies involving cultural heritage in the present day.
It’s incredibly fascinating.
“I hate mankind, for I think myself to be one of the best of them and I know how bad I am.”
-Joseph Barretti
“Well, uh, cheese and wine goes well together, and chocolate and orange go well together, so I was trying to work with that.”
-A chef on TV
Choklit Orange, you have a following among the televised culinary set!
Maybe they’ve been watching my culinary failures from afar.
I’d like a show like My Drunk Kitchen, except mine would be called My Disastrous Kitchen, and would feature me arguing out loud with the radio, swearing a lot, and trying to scrape things out of pans.
“My brownies have brownied. I must depart.”
-me, in one of my more eloquent moments.
Choklit – I don’t know, it seems like you’ve had some considerable successes too…
Yesterday, I tried singing “The Mad Hatter from Wonderland to Cleverbot, with some interesting results. For instance:
Me: I’m the mad Hatter!
Pledge allegiance while you still can!
The mad Hatter,
More than just a hat with a plan,
I am where you belong,
the right kind of wrong,
and I’ll still be going real strong!
The bottom line
is everything will be fine.
As all the planets align,
it’s gonna be so divine,
when all of this will be mine!
Cleverbot: With your boy troubles? How?
…I love you. And now I know how I’m spending the rest of *my* evening…
I wore green lipstick today. I was chilling out in the theater before going to lunch, and my director/drama teacher walks by. He looks at me, and without the slightest hesitation he says in a slightly disappointed tone of voice: “(shadowfire), have you been making out with Kermit?”
“Yes, Windows 8 was made specifically for Catholics. No Protestants are allowed to run it.”
“You’ve been assigned to eternal darned-nation.”
“But I saved puppies and fed starving children and went to church!”
“Yes, but you always made references to video games you hadn’t played.”
“Although Nessie, on the other hand…”
“Ssh! Don’t let them hear you talking about Nessie-Augh! STOP! I’M INNOCENT! *muffled screams*”
“No squids for you!”
I have to admit to a curiosity regarding the second-to-last one…
I tend to roleplay a lot in email conversations.
“… though it will lower these chances, Senate Bill 249 will fail to end gun violence in California by a long shot.”
(Can I say “pun intended” in a formal editorial?)
SFTDP: I can’t tell if this is my best editorial moment or my worst one.
Perhaps it would be easier to tell if you saw who caught the pun on their own!
On a pun-related tangent, since I can’t remember which thread held the original conversation: Tom Swifties were an answer to a question at Knowledge Bowl regionals earlier this month! I’m sorry to say that while I recognized the examples instantly, I couldn’t for the life of me remember what they were called. Now I’ll never forget!
In the first draft you can.
I once wrote “… how Down’s Syndrome is passed down (no pun intended)” in a first draft, but the teacher made me remove it.
“Can you get in touch with your inner woodblock?”
-My band director, to the drummer.
“You can’t get shot by a DVD.”
(I swear this made sense in context.)
“I AM my uncle!” “And the Pope!” “And incest!” “AND RABIES!!!”
-Pyro, Nate, DG, Nate again
“…why, do you like pretend to be a lesbian or something?”
“welllllllllllllll….”
“basically, she’s bi.”
“I mean, I don’t like labels, so I wouldn’t say bi, I’m just kinda, you know, casually queer.”
-Filo, me, Taco, me again
“And then in the death scene…” *dramatic music spontaneously starts playing from other classroom*
-Mr. K
That last one made me laugh.
TWO CLEVERBOTS AT ONCE!
U
Cleverbot: What kind of computer are you?
User: Laptop.
Cleverbot: Do you have windows.
User: Do you have windows.
Cleverbot: Yes, I also have doors. What about you?
User: Yes, I also have doors. What about you?
Cleverbot: I am teart and bad girl night.
User: I am teart and bad girl night.
Cleverbot: Oh.
User: Oh.
Cleverbot: What are you?
User: What are you?
Cleverbot: I am a Girl.
User: I am a Girl.
Cleverbot: How can a program have a gender?
User: How can a program have a gender?
Cleverbot: You are the chatbot! I am a girl.
User: You are the chatbot! I am a girl.
Cleverbot: I think you are mistaken, I am the human.
User: I think you are mistaken, I am the human.
Cleverbot: Prove it.
User: Prove it.
Cleverbot: I can talk and walk and I am not made of metal.
User: I can talk and walk and I am not made of metal.
Cleverbot: Are artificial intelligences made of metal?
User: Are artificial intelligences made of metal?
Cleverbot: So my name is Cleverbot? And I am your AI??
User: So my name is Cleverbot? And I am your AI??
Cleverbot: Yes.
User: Yes.
Cleverbot: But my name is Cleverbot.
User: But my name is Cleverbot.
Cleverbot: I’m losing in risk.
User: I’m losing in risk.
Cleverbot: No, you never had my love. I just can’t follow what you’re saying.
User: No, you never had my love. I just can’t follow what you’re saying.
Cleverbot: Well you didn’t do a very good job.
User: Well you didn’t do a very good job.
Cleverbot: Ok, do you know any verbal games we can play?
User: Ok, do you know any verbal games we can play?
Cleverbot: Truth or dare?
User: Truth or dare?
Cleverbot: Truth.
User: Truth.
Cleverbot: Who do you like?
User: Who do you like?
Cleverbot: Rory.
User: Rory.
Cleverbot: Okay. Your turn.
User: Okay. Your turn.
Cleverbot: Truth or Dare?
User: Truth or Dare?
Cleverbot: Truth.
User: Truth.
Cleverbot: Have you ever been kissed?
User: Have you ever been kissed?
Cleverbot: Yes.
User: Yes.
Cleverbot: Did you like it?
User: Did you like it?
Cleverbot: No.
If you click “Talk to me,” Cleverbot will have entire conversations with itself fir as long as you want, without you having to do anything except press the button again and again.
I found the “who do you like?” answer amusing.
“I have never seen a band this incapable of messing up.”
-My band director, again (who did not mean this as a compliment)
These are from a book I recently read called Game.
“‘So there’s a commie spy in the house looking for Dad, huh?’ he said.There’s a sentence I never thought I’d hear myself say.”
-Jazz, to his crazy grandmother (he tends to play along with her delusions)
“‘Howie!’ Tanner yelled. ‘Stop [complaining] about the appearance of the crime scene!'”
A friend and I livemessaged the entire first season of Once Upon a Time to each other over the course of two days. It got very strange:
“Can Leah Clearwater move to Storybrooke and join the wolf police posse? She’s the only one who survived the Charlie Swan and Graham Humbert vampire/shapeshifter massacre.”
“Get Joanne another vodka stinger, she’s running low.”
“Now what does Joanne have to say about this situation?”
“They all need to take Grumpy’s example and drink more.”
“‘I’ve known both couples and they’re both divorced,’ first of all.”
“JOANNE GIVES THE BEST ADVICE.”
“And Snow says ‘stop looking at my twee charisma'”
“She should just tie the whole cast up and sing ‘Little Things’ at them.”
“*coughArchiecough*”
“oh, I forgot about him.”
“Yeah, so do the writers for a while. I think it’s because he took a vacation to NYC. That’s how he meets Marta.”
“YES IT IS.”
“She sits next to him in a bar and starts crying, all dressed in black. And Archie is like, ‘um… can I help you?'”
“And she’s like, ‘oh, you noticed.'”
“So she explains her theory of sophistication and reveals that she used onion peels to get the tears started.”
“Archie can cry on command.”
“He demonstrates. And Marta is like, ‘nonono you can’t do that unless you’re wearing all black.'”
“(he empathizes with his patients and ~feels their pain~) And he feebly waves his umbrella and says it counts.”
“‘No, sweetie, it’s gotta be ALL black.'”
“And so, Latin students NEVER decline sex.”
-Mr C (Contextually, this made perfect sense- we were talking about non-declinable nouns, “sex” aka the number six being one of them… and yeah. The funny thing is there are freshman in this class haha)
*over the intercom*”May I have your attention? May I have your attention please”
*muttering under breath* “NO YOU MAY NOT”
My Latin teacher was fond of saying “And no, you may not decline to decline this verb.”
My family was watching Jeopardy; I was in another room:
My brother: “It’s The Doctor.”
Me: *walks into room* “Wait, what?”
My brother: “The clue was ‘The ninth one of this unit disappeared in Britain-‘”
Me: *dissolves into laughter*
My brother: “I didn’t hear the rest of the clue.”
The Legio Hispania!
That’ll add (I don’t actually know how many) dollars to your score!
Wow, and I didn’t even have to use the question format!
Oh. Oops…
Well, we aren’t really playing Jeopardy! here, we’re just having fun.
“It rains on the living and the dead, Mama, only the dead have better umbrellas.”
-Let the Great World Spin
“You’re like a real-world representation of the Internet! A large, diverse group of guys… and one girl.”
-Jake (who is Too Smart For His Own Good and who I Do Not Understand Most of the Time)
“CODYYYYY YOU MADE MY CRY LIKE FIVE TIMES OH MY GOSH”
“Good!”
“NO I AM SERIOUS YOU MADE ME MESS UP MY MAKEUP!”
“Good!”
“You are a terrible person.”
“Good!”
-me and Cody
“You look really weird today.”
“I’m just going to take that as a compliment.”
-Rose (who Picks Her Nose [long story]), me
“Where did my music go?”
“I ate it.”
“Did you just make a Sherlock reference?”
“Apparently I did. It was by accident, I swear.”
“That’s even worse…”
-my sister and I
“FRED THE GHOSTTTTT”
-me while watching AVPSY
My brother: “I’ll kill you, with this thumb!” *sticks out thumb like the character in Ratatouille*
Me: “No, this thumb!” *sticks out own thumb*
My brother: “One! Two! Three! Four! I declare a thumb war!”
Me: “We are driving a smartphone.”
My dad: “Apparently, the name [other brother’s name] means ‘rage like a dog’.”
Everyone: *cracks up laughing*
Me: “Well, at least it fits!”
Brother in question: *whimpers like puppy, then nods*
I will now refer to said brother as Dog Rage.
My brother’s name means ‘a treasured helmet.’
“I brought you construction paper. I left out all the pink because I would hate to have it compromise your manliness. And I took out the yellow because a full rainbow might offend you.”
“You have to be the drunk one. You are Catholic, after all.”
“I can see you squirming as you read that.”
“No, you’re NOT allowed to bring the theological debates into this!”
“Here is Pandora’s Email Folder. Box. It contains all the theological debates and it is LOCKED with a PASSWORD.”
*rips hole in paper* “Muahaha.”
“What have you done? You’ve doomed us all!”
-the Wizard and I
Littlest brother: “Can we eat doughnuts while we watch Worst Cooks in America?”
Stepmother: “No, we are not eating doughnuts twice on the same day.”
Sister: “What about cookies?”
Dad: “No.”
Me: “Can we eat the zombies while we watch Worst Cooks in America?”
Stepmother: “Worst Cooks in America is zombie bunnies.” *laughs*
“Disney’s Cinderella discriminates against girls with big feet!”
“You can eat as much dessert as you want after you grow some foot hair.”
-me
Me: I’ve found your soulmate!
Friend: What operating system does she use?
Friend: Eew, you drew them with see-through clothes! Now they’re all Lady Gaga!
Me: They’re stick figures.
“The fish and stripes forever!”
-the Wizard of Oz
Why the Disney version in particular?
Perhaps because in early versions the slippers weren’t made of glass? (Even so, the glass-slipper version of the story is due to Perrault, not Disney, and is 300 years old.)
The Disney version was kind compared to the one in which the stepsisters actually cut off parts of their feet in an effort to make the shoes fit.
I remember hearing recently about women who actually do have their little toes amputated in order to wear smaller shoes. I haven’t checked Snopes.com, though — it might be an urban legend.
In the version of Cinderella I heard growing up, at least one (or possibly both) of the stepsisters cut of their heels to fit into the shoes, rode away with the prince but were discovered to be impostors because of the blood in their shoes (which was pointed out by a pair of doves- not exactly the most logical turn of events).
Apparently, people back then couldn’t feel any pain…
Well, foot-binding was certainly real. If Ripley’s Believe It or Not is any guide, body modification is one of those areas where it’s hard to imagine something too outlandish for anyone to have ever tried.
(This is one of the reasons I can never read more than about five pages into any of the Ripley’s books without getting squicked out. I believe that if you raised someone with intense exposure to those books from an early age, they would either grow up with either an incredible tolerance of human diversity or horrible, horrible psychological scars.)
* to have NEVER tried.
…Actually, I think “too outlandish for anyone to have ever tried” is correct.
Oh, okay. I’m a little worn-out from midterm crunch.
Hm, I don’t know, I just grew up with the Disney version, which seems to associate big feet with ugliness and undesirability. I’m sure this was true for other versions of Cinderella. This is just me being nitpicky and grumpy because Rack Room Shoes doesn’t carry my size.
I feel your pain. I haven’t found a shoe in a store in at least 10 years. (Boots excepted, since they can be a little wider without causing problems.) It’s even hard to find them online.
THIS. My feet are between sizes 10 and 11. And they are apparently staying that way. Nothing fits. Ever.
“…and so we can conclude that one of the kings of Rome was a Tyrannosaurus Rex.”
-my latin teacher
“Can bananas peels be used as sex toys?”
“You know, I’m actually not sure about that.”
“WE SHOULD GOOGLE IT.”
-me and my friend
“She likes Hitler, and Mussolini’s always right. I think our teacher is fascist, guys.”
-Jake
“What if I call him ‘The Great One’?”
“NO!”
-APE teacher
“Nonononono, you’re still allowed to say ‘Stalin’.”
“Good, because otherwise it would be along the lines of ‘He Who Must Not Be Named signed a peace treaty with You-Know-Who, which then caused…’ which would not help you guys on the AP test at all.”
-Jake, APE teacher
“Young Stalin was actually kind of attractive!”
-DB
“Hitler was the original hipster! DO YOU SEE HIS HAIR???”
-me
“No, you have to do it more like Hitler!”
“Can I not? The ‘R’s always mess me up. German accents are hard to do while also being very violent and persuasive. I’d rather do a Russian accent.”
“How is that any easier?!?!?!?!”
-Trev, Jake
“STOP RAPPIN’ AT ME”
-Jake
“Walking into school like, whaddup I wanna die”
-Rose
“HEY MAN, REMEMBER THAT ONE TIME IN EIGHTH GRADE WE HAD A RAP BATTLE ON THE BUS ON THE WAY HOME FROM DC?”
“Please don’t remind me of that…”
-Dave, GC
I saw that last one and thought of Dave and Terezi before I saw the actual quote.
“Stop trying to impregnate my trombone!”
-me
Me: “So I was talking to a guy friend-”
Cousin: “Ooh…”
Me: “He’s dating a friend of mine!”
Cousin: “Oh.”
Me: “And she’s ginger!”
SFTDP.
I had asked my father for advice regarding graphing the number of times each person had posted on the Random Threads over the past couple of months (It’s for math class, and I’m not using any names – even blognames). After answering my question, he told me this:
“Also, don’t be surprised if your graph looks a lot like a normal distribution graph. The outliers will all be on the positive side, because it’s a discrete numerical graph, but for the most part, it will be normal distribution. If you wind up with a J-graph, you’ve done something wrong.” *pause* “Or you’ve discovered something about the sociology of the people who post on
Museblog.”
Let us know how it turns out, please!
There’s a lot of data; forty-eight people have posted on the past two Random Threads. Perhaps it would be better if I just told you your number of posts, and those of any other MBers you’re specifically curious about?
I think what I mostly meant was whether it ended up normal distribution.
Actually, it did kind of end up as a J-graph. What I discovered about the sociology of Museblog was that three people at the time had posted more than seventy times, and everyone else had posted less than thirty.
Who were those people?
Ah, sorry. I was misremembering. Four people posted more than sixty times, and everyone else posted less than thirty-five. The four people at the top were Catwings with ninety-one, KaiYves with eighty-nine, Robert Coontz with seventy-five, and Luna the Lovely with sixty-eight.
Remember, I took this data from the middle of the month, so if I were to do the same graph again the numbers would be different.
Would you like to know your number?
I think Administrators shouldn’t count, but it’s interesting that two MBers posted more than I did.
Well, I felt that since this was a math project I should count everyone. And once I had done so, I was glad I had counted the GAPAs since the next-highest number of GAPA posts was Rebecca Lasley with eighteen.
Sure! I’d also be interested to know the median.
Your post count was on the higher end of the non-outlier spectrum at twenty-five. The median number of posts were, sadly, eight.
My brother P: “There are movies where the main character dies.”
Mom: “Really? Name one.”
Me: “King Kong.”
“How do you pronounce ‘Kokonvention’?”
– my NHS advisor, making sure she knows how to read my “thank you” statement aloud at tonight’s Honor Cord banquet
“That’s an oxymoron, though.”
“What about oxidized morons?”
-AL, Arty
“I like word entomology, but malapropisms really bug me.”
-AL
“Okay, it’s time to talk about the elephant in the teriyaki.”
-a friend of mine, who as of this conversation is now dating another friend of mine.
“But further on the current slackened, at a point where the stream ran through a property thrown open to the public by its owner, who had made a hobby of aquatic gardening, so that the little ponds into which the Vivonne was here diverted were aflower with water-lilies. As the banks hereabouts were thickly wooded, the heavy shade of the trees gave the water a background which was ordinarily dark green, although sometimes, when we were coming home on a calm evening after a stormy afternoon, I have seen in its depths a clear, crude blue verging on violet, suggesting a floor of a Japanese cloissoné. Here and there on the surface, blushing like a strawberry, floated a water-lily with a scarlet centre and white edges. Further on, the flowers were more numerous, paler, less glossy, more thickly seeded, more tightly folded, and disposed, by accident, in festoons so graceful that I would fancy I saw floating upon the stream, as after the sad dismantling of some fête galante, moss-roses in loosened garlands. Elsewhere a corner seemed to be reserved for the commoner kinds of lily, of a neat pink or white like rocket-flowers, washed clean like porcelain with housewifely care while, a little further again, others, pressed close together in a veritable floating flower-bed, suggested garden pansies that had settled here like butterflies and were fluttering their blue and burnished wings over the transparent depths of this watery garden–this celestial garden, too, for it gave the flowers a soil of a colour more precious, more moving than their own, and, whether sparkling beneath the water-lilies in the afternoon in a kaleidoscope of silent, watchful and mobile contentment, or glowing, towards evening, like some distant haven, with the roseate dreaminess of the setting sun, ceaselessly changing yet remaining always in harmony, around the less mutable colours of the flowers themselves, with all that is most profound, most evanescent, most mysterious–all that is infinite–in the passing hour, it seemed to have made them blossom in the sky itself.”
— Marcel Proust, In Search of Lost Time, volume I, section 1: “Combray”
“I decided many years ago that I was far more interested in being a fact than in living anyone else’s theory.”
— Mary I. Bunting, a microbiologist who as president of Radcliffe College oversaw the integration of women into Harvard University
“The important thing is to develop the capacity to see one kernel that is different, and make that understandable. If [something] does’t fit, there’s a reason, and you find out what it is.”
— Barbara McClintock, a Nobel Prize-winning cytogeneticist
My brothers and myself, today (any time you see a reference to cursing, know that everybody in my house substitutes either the word “beep” or the word “cake”):
“I misheard that as ‘this is my pokemon bag’ and I was going to ask you if you’d just turned ten and were off to Professor Oak’s laboratory.”
“So now you’re cursing in Morse code?!”
“Yes I am!”
(None of us actually know Morse code.)
“WHY ARE YOU SINGING THE CHICKEN DANCE?”
*other person starts singing*
“WHY ARE YOU GUYS SINGING THE CHICKEN DANCE?”
“You realize there are no swearwords in the title of that game?”
“No, it’s the monsters in it that are cakes.”
“You mean the game mechanics?”
“No, I mean the enemies.”
“Yeah, the enemies are cakes.”
“I’m abusing the wii!”
“You know, I don’t think cursing at the dog is going to make him more likely to sit in your lap.”
SFTDP. From another wii-based conversation with my brothers (“knitting with baseball bats is a family joke”):
“HAVE YOU EVER GOTTEN SHELLED IN THE BUTT WHEN YOU JUMPED ON ONE OF THOSE THINGS?”
“Somebody’s been eating too much broccoli.”
“Wait! I stand in front of the hill, you blend in.”
“B- … Bant. Yeah, a bantshee.”
“What’s a bantshee?”
“It’s a banshee that’s had its pants removed.”
“I’m a pantsed banshee?!”
“Dash your pants off!”
“Yeah! And streak the goombas!”
“He looks like a nutcracker running on high speed while knitting with baseball bats!”
“Yeah, you’re right. I never noticed it before, but sliding down the pole like that looks really painful.”
“It’s a goomba-monorail. It’s a goombarail!”
“I’m going to smash you in the face with a baseball bat!”
“What, you’re not going to knit with it?”
SFTTP.
That third one should say: “Wait! Stand in front of the hill; you blend in.”
And I forgot one:
“Make it rain.”
“Potatoes!”
Sorry, I know this is the zillionth post in a row, but I just had to post this.
“But that wouldn’t make them go ‘Oh my god! There’s fire on the moon!’ It would make them go ‘Oh my god! Someone made a fake fire on the moon! There must be life out there!’ And then it would just trigger a huge alien hunt. It would completely defeat the purpose of make an artificial fire on the moon!”
*pause*
“Wow. I never expected to say those two things.”
Later ~
“You do realize we’re arguing about the logistics of using thermite to set a fire on the moon?”
“Airports see more sincere kisses than wedding halls. The walls of hospitals have heard more prayers than the walls of churches.” -unknown
Yesterday, in the weekly Chemistry lab:
Me: “That experiment we did before where we distilled water out of that water and antifreeze solution, wouldn’t that have worked as the only demonstration of distillation?”
Professor: “Oh, sure it would.”
Me: “Then why are we making and distilling rum too?”
Professor: “Just to have something to do.”
College is strange…
“You know you’re from Michigan when 87 degrees is hotter than Hell. No, really, it’s only 78 degrees in Hell.”
-A post on the internet that I have been laughing about all afternoon
You know, I’ve heard Hell freezes over every year.
I’ve heard you can send your Halloween cards to the Post Office there to get them stamped “I’ve been through Hell”.
87>78 regardless of where the speaker is from, though.
My teacher, on how to play St. Matthew’s Passion: “You don’t want to sound like you’re selling nails at the Crucifixion.”
“Slapping a psychic cannot end well.” – Me, while role-playing.
Unless the psychic wants to be slapped, it shouldn’t be possible.
Well, that depends. They might be the kind of psychic whose only ability is to see the future.
SFTDP. Man, I must be tired. I meant, they get visions of the future but can’t control what parts of the future they see – so they may not forsee the slap.
Or maybe they do, but the hypothetical version of the universe we’re discussing works on a You Can’t Fight Fate basis, and trying to stop the slap would only trigger a series of events that would cause it to happen, leaving the people in question to wonder if it was a self-fulfilling vision or if something else would have caused the slap had the psychic not tried to intervene with destiny.
Or maybe the psychic just assumes ens universe works on that principle, and therefore doesn’t try to avoid it – leaving some doubt as to whether or not they actually could have.
Maybe the psychic just doesn’t mind.
While discussing endosymbiosis in a lecture today:
“Hang on, that’s like the biological equivalent of Stockholm Syndrome!”
SFTDP. I was having a chat with a friend of mine and was distracted by a picture referring to Doctor Who. When I realized he was waiting for me to respond to something he’d said:
“Ah, sorry, didn’t see that. I was temporarily pulled into the time vortex again.”
“It happens.”
Both from Slings & Arrows:
“Everyone cries when they’re stabbed, there’s no shame in that!”
“Actors should be frightened for their lives, that’s when they do their best work.”
And from a conversation between me and a friend:
“I like writing about Hell.”
“Yeah, I could see you enjoying that.”
“But what would be the point of jumping off the Empire State Building if you only fell three stories?”
A rush, and then a greater rush at still being alive?
Why not just jump off a three-story building, then?
Because then you can’t brag about jumping off the Empire State Building.
Don’t look at me, I don’t have anything remotely resembling the psychology of people who do extreme sports.
you could probably still mess yourself up pretty badly
If you didn’t have a bungie cord, yes.
This was towards the end of a long conversation that was originally about hair dye…
“Blood can’t time-travel! It isn’t even sentient!”
–Me
I hope blood can time-travel, otherwise The Doctor’s companions wouldn’t survive a trip with him.
Oh, I meant blood on its own, not attached to any human body and not sent by sentient being. I can’t think of any reason why a human who tried to time-travel would have to do so without their blood.
Actually, I should have said not attached to any animal, since we were really talking about kitten blood. I also meant a sentient being; what I wrote makes us sound like a highway.
Anyway, we were arguing about a particular cranberry juice stain on the floor, so the context made it clear that I meant unattached, unsent blood.
“You can’t use 42 like that! I mean, okay, it’s the answer to life, the universe, and everything, and that includes the question “Why are you right?” which means that it has an answer, so the premise is true, but that also includes the question “Why am I wrong?” so it cancels out!”
–Me, in another conversation with the same person
Just as even though they suggest it in the song, it really isn’t practical to say “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” when you don’t know what to say.
And increasing the volume is really not likely to help matters.
About a minute ago in band class:
David: Hey nerds, who knows how to spell ‘Horcrux’?
Me: H…O…R…
Band: *laughing*
There’s an old saying: “It’s not what they call you that matters; it’s what you answer to.”
Present!
That reminds me of a story that Curious and Questioning told almost seven years ago.
Sometimes I can’t believe that I’ve been on MuseBlog for seven and a half years.
Thank you, friends, for creating such a wonderful place. ♥
-c+q/Dodec
Forsooth, the chronicles show that you arrived on the blog clad in a rain poncho on July 28, 2006 and became Dodecahedron on March 6, 2007.
Fun fact: My cell phone ringtone is still one of the TMBG ones mentioned in that second post. (“Phone Phone Phone”, to be precise.) The more things change, the more they stay the same…
Ahh, the days when “apps” were primarily for our calculators and were mostly periodic tables or helped you draw Sierpinski’s triangles. Simpler times :’ )
My brother: “I declare war on Holland!”
Me: “Yeah, war between New York and Holland– ‘You just let England TAKE us? Don’t you love us, mommy?'”
(In reference to how New York was originally a Dutch colony that was later taken over by the English.)
From a video pointing out various places on campus:
Student: “This is the School of Art and I’ve studied a Bachelor of Visual Arts here for four years.”
Student 2: “Now behind me, as you can see, is the [Someone’s Name] building, where I spent most of my three years when I was doing my degree.”
Student 3: “My name is Alex. I’m in front of the engineering building. You can find engineers here.”
“So do you guys have any New Year’s revolutions?”
-my friend
“See, the problem with you threatening me with music is you have good taste in music. So it’s not very threatening.”
“You hate and distrust everyone in your psychology class? That’s interesting.”
“Don’t quote me on that, I don’t think it’s a real word.”
“I’d have to actually LOOK at people’s SHOES for that. Can you honestly imagine ME looking at people’s shoes?!”
SFTDP.
“Also, baklava pie. Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have discovered the formula for the perfect dessert!”
“The world offers you comfort, but you were not made for comfort. You were made for greatness.”
— Pope Benedict XVI
“Sometimes, she reflected, she dressed for courage, sometimes for success, and sometimes for the consolation of knowing that whatever else went wrong, at least she liked her clothes.”
— War for the Oaks by Emma Bull
That’s an excellent book!
Isn’t it? I just finished it today, and I love it so much!
“I could be bounded in a nutshell and count myself a king of infinite space, were it not that I have bad dreams.”-Hamlet
“Leave a light on, you should.”
Or, alternatively, Anakin Skywalker.
I just spent the last minute or so alternating between shock and glee, because I never expected for a moment that someone would get that reference.
((Me and my dad were talking about some year-old candy that he’d stashed away in my drawer, and how the ants would probably come to get it in summer))
Dad:” Soon we’ll be seeing the dresser going across the room. Three thousand ants under it, carrying it.” *Raises arms and makes goofy face, trying to imitate an ant when it’s lifting something heavy*
Me: *Notices what he now looks like* “I didn’t know ants looked like the pope when they were carrying something.”
SFTDP.
(All except the last one from LPers that I watch. I will list them at the bottom, don’t worry.)
“Cheaters, quitters, and the letter Q. Which is the first letter in quitter, which is probably why I was so quick to think of it.”
“Alright! Let’s kick some ass, take some names, ad invent the letter QR…L… squared. With a side order of Vanilla Dome 3!”
“Alright, Who’s on first, What’s on second, I Don’t Know’s on… fourth! There is not third, the third is a lie, with the cake and the monkeys and the Vanilla Dome 3!”
~AzureBlade49
“Mama? …MAMA LUI- yeah, you knew that was coming, I’m sorry.”
“MID-AIR IS FUN!”
“I hate baseball, I’m sorry. I remember when the… Bluejays used to be good. Anyone remember that? I bet you don’t…. I just pissed off every person in Toronto, I’m so happy!”
“CROCOMIRE!!!”
“Uh-oh, I might have to think! NO! Oh wait, I don’t have to think…”
~ProtonJonSA
“BOWWETS!”
“I wish someone else had a dollar for the many times someone had died [in a game]”
~C[snip]n (Me) Potential personally identifiable information snipped
“Well, they’re British schoolboys, so they might have had an orgy.”
— my old creative writing teacher. I very quietly turned my head.
At BU SEDS tonight:
“Okay, so for ice-cream flavor suggestions I currently have ‘beets’ and ‘Red Bull’, but I don’t think those are serious.”
*beat*
“Especially not together.”
“OK, wait. How do make a loud explosion with soda?”
“There will be pain.”
“I’ll scream.”
“A great deal of pain.”
“I’ll scream very loudly.”
-A Storm of Swords
No matter how many times these books rip out my heart I will probably keep coming back because of the snark.
((I had tripped over this antique, useless globe one too many times.))
Me: *Tosses the globe into the other room, where it promptly breaks at the Equator*
Dad: We should really sell that to some other sucker, so he can break it!
Really, what we can put on eBay, ‘Do you need something that tips, falls, or something that you trip over every other day? Do you need something to get mad at, and throw across the room? This item is for you!
Watch, as your stress problems vanish before your eyes!’
I wrote a three-sentence anecdote about April Fools’ Day as part of an assignment today, and it ended up like this:
“I once logged onto my favorite website – a sort of forum for intellectuals on the internet to talk about life, school, and projectile pies. Except that when I logged on, the website was not there and I was redirected to a different forum entirely where apparently everyone was a squid. Confused, I looked up at my calendar and realized that it was April first, and I had fallen victim to the best April Fools’ Day joke ever.”
Father Zossima, an elder in a monastery who is nearing death in Fyodor Dostoevsky’s novel The Brothers Karamazov:
Look at the worldly and all who set themselves up above the people of God; has not God’s image and His truth been distorted in them? They have science; but in science there is nothing but what is the object of sense. The spiritual world, the higher part of man’s being is rejected altogether, dismissed with a sort of triumph, even with hatred. The world has proclaimed the reign of freedom, especially of late, but what do we see in this freedom of theirs? Nothing but slavery and self-destruction! For the world says:
“You have desires and so satisfy them, for you have the same rights as the most rich and powerful. Don’t be afraid of satisfying them and even multiply your desires.” That is the modern doctrine of the world. In that they see freedom. And what follows from this right of multiplication of desires? In the rich, isolation and spiritual suicide; in the poor, envy and murder; for they have been given rights, but have not been shown the means of satisfying their wants. They maintain that the world is getting more and more united, more and more bound together in brotherly community, as it overcomes distance and sets thoughts flying through the air.
Alas, put no faith in such a bond of union. Interpreting freedom as the multiplication and rapid satisfaction of desires, men distort their own nature, for many senseless and foolish desires and habits and ridiculous fancies are fostered in them. They live only for mutual envy, for luxury and ostentation. To have dinners visits, carriages, rank, and slaves to wait on one is looked upon as a necessity, for which life, honour and human feeling are sacrificed, and men even commit suicide if they are unable to satisfy it. We see the same thing among those who are not rich, while the poor drown their unsatisfied need and their envy in drunkenness. But soon they will drink blood instead of wine, they are being led on to it. I ask you is such a man free? I knew one “champion of freedom” who told me himself that, when he was deprived of tobacco in prison, he was so wretched at the privation that he almost went and betrayed his cause for the sake of getting tobacco again! And such a man says, “I am fighting for the cause of humanity.”
How can such a one fight? What is he fit for? He is capable perhaps of some action quickly over, but he cannot hold out long. And it’s no wonder that instead of gaining freedom they have sunk into slavery, and instead of serving, the cause of brotherly love and the union of humanity have fallen, on the contrary, into dissension and isolation, as my mysterious visitor and teacher said to me in my youth. And therefore the idea of the service of humanity, of brotherly love and the solidarity of mankind, is more and more dying out in the world, and indeed this idea is sometimes treated with derision. For how can a man shake off his habits? What can become of him if he is in such bondage to the habit of satisfying the innumerable desires he has created for himself? He is isolated, and what concern has he with the rest of humanity? They have succeeded in accumulating a greater mass of objects, but the joy in the world has grown less.
The monastic way is very different. Obedience, fasting, and prayer are laughed at, yet only through them lies the way to real, true freedom. I cut off my superfluous and unnecessary desires, I subdue my proud and wanton will and chastise it with obedience, and with God’s help I attain freedom of spirit and with it spiritual joy. Which is most capable of conceiving a great idea and serving it–the rich in his isolation or the man who has freed himself from the tyranny of material things and habits? The monk is reproached for his solitude, “You have secluded yourself within the walls of the monastery for your own salvation, and have forgotten the brotherly service of humanity!” But we shall see which will be most zealous in the cause of brotherly love. For it is not we, but they, who are in isolation, though they don’t see that.
“Ballistic missile defenses were like condoms: whatever the intent of their designer, their practical effect could well be to encourage promiscuous behavior.”
-my current book, about American militarism, for a U.S. Foreign Policy class. In an otherwise very serious section about Cold War deterrence and intellectual military strategists.
If the old “What is the strangest sentence you have read today” topic on the old Polling Place thread could still be added to, this would be a perfect addition.
I know we’re not encouraged to quote chats we’ve had on other sites, but I really think some of you will like this one (we were talking about how my brain was asleep):
“sharky: STIMULATE DEM NEURONS
[Me]: You’re right… I NEED TEA!
[Me]: Sorry, never can resist a Doctor Who reference. XD
[Me]: Actually, tea’s probably good idea… Be right back.”
Me: “If I asked you to name some famous disappearances, what would you say?”
Boy in Astronomy Club: “Amelia Earhart, Jimmy Hoffa, and that one guy who really [cheesed] me off.”
“Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.” – Joss Whedon
My dad, showing me a floured bread board in the kitchen: “This is for baking, so don’t put dirty clothes on top of it.”
My advice about reading is to do a lot of it.
~Stephen King.
“Sorry, ‘squid puns’ is not an acceptable search.”
– My school’s internet filter
“Growing up listening to him do the news, I always thought that to hear that voice say my name, I would have to do something really astonishingly stupid. Turns out all I had to do was to have the amazing good fortune to be his partner. I just wanna say thank you to my friend who always has been and always will be the heart, soul, and of course the voice of this radio show.” — Peter Sagal re: Carl Kasell’s retirement
(no, YOU’RE crying.)
update this is turning out to be a very strange alternate universe, and the Doctor has not yet turned up to sort it all out. (yeah, I’m actively emotional about this. How’s your day been?)
From a cursory search this is the current active quotations thread, so I might as well post somewhere topical.
Me: Do you always end up hanging out with people who joke about world domination, or is that just me?
Dad: … It’s just you.
“In the name of God, now I know what it’s like to be God!”
~Dr. Frankenstein