Wednesday, 24 April 2024
Life, the universe, pies, hot-pink bunnies, world domination, and everything
Everything is fair game: “The Lady or the Tiger?,” “The Monkey’s Paw,” Lord of the Flies, The Pearl. If a reading assignment annoyed you, take your revenge.
Includes drastically condensed versions of famous or popular books.
Date: June 3, 2007
Categories: Fiction, poetry, and fanfiction, Nonrandom Craziness
No one made me read anything. Except The Way To The Western Sea, and that is an interesting story, if not an interesting back-story/writing style. So it wouldn’t be fair to take revenge on that. And I don’t finish boring books. Except that one I read last night. That was kind of boring. But it wasn’t assigned.
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Oh, and my mom tried to make me read Moby-Dick, but luckily my father got to it first and took so long to read even part of it that it was overdue several times. Therefore, it was decided that I would not read it. Thank god.
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There are three of these, by the way. But anyway…
In fifth grade we had to read a book called “Across Five Aprils.” I haven’t read it since then, but all I remember about it is that it was about a boy who lived during the civil war and plowed potatoes. Pretty much, all they talked about was plowing potatoes. T’was muy boring.
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See, the thing is, I didn’t like everything I had to read, but I know that it was good for me, anyway…*sigh*…I just can’t bring myself to take revenge. But I will make a little list of everything that comes to mind:
Fahrenheit 451
Animal Farm
On A Pale Horse (that one, though, I really enjoyed…for the most part)
Samuel Adams: America’s Revolutionary Politician
The Adventures of Tom Sawyer (which I liked)
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (another I liked)
A Tale of Two Cities (got me hooked on the French Revolution)
Jane Eyre (quite a nice story, in a way…sad, but nice)
Dante’s Divine Comedy (which I’m currently reading, and have a love/hate relationship with)
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3- How exactly do you write a book about plowing potatoes?
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I knew that I should have copied my post from the third one of these. It had such good reasoning, too… Please, GAPAs, will you get it back, and put it on here?
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5 – I have no idea. But it was the most insanely boring book I have ever read.
Here is a parody of Cinderella that I just wrote for fun…I’m avoiding my homework again. I didn’t finish it yet, but you can get the basic idea.
Aeiou sat in her large canopy bed singing to herself. “Oh, how the Earth is so beautiful! Oh, how the birds sing so happily!†A black crow flew to her window. She stood up and looked at it. “Why, hello, young fellow! How are you?†The bird hopped into the room and squaked a few times.
“Oh, beautiful princess,
You look so pretty in your dress.
Would you please help me?
I was almost stuck in a tree!
Pwt chased me up there
And I had quite a scare.
Please save me from her,
Please save me from her.â€
“Oh, you cute little bird! Look at your beautiful feathers! I will definitely save you from this Pwt you speak of. Just stay with me, and I will protect you.†Aeiou heard a voice calling her from downstairs. “Yes? What do you need?â€
“Please come down here. I would like you to meet someone.†Aeiou’s father, Chad, called her downstairs. Aeiou set Crraw, the bird, down on her bed and scurried downstairs. Her father stood very straight, dressed head-to-toe in a majestic piece of white fabric. Next to him stood a lady, dressed in purple and gray. Her blonde hair was tied up with a series of red ribbons. Next to the lady stood a girl and a boy. The girl was short, and she was carrying a large net. Her long, wavy black hair lay in a heap on the top of her head. The boy looked strange as well. He had six strands of hair sticking out of his square head, and he carried a flute.
“Aeiou, I would like you to meet my new wife, Urania.†Aeiou’s father motioned toward the tall red-ribbon lady.
“Nice to meet you,†Aeiou said politely.
“Pleasure.†Urania looked at Aeiou coldly, and gave her a bony smile. “These are my two children. This is Pwt…†The black-haired girl with a net gave Aeiou a fake smile. “…and this is Kokopelli.†The bony black boy with the flute did not provide any facial expressions, as it did not appear that he had a face, but he moved his hair back and forth, signifying a “hello.â€
“It is nice to meet you, Pwt and Kokopelli.†Aeiou said to them, much more kindly than she should have.
“Now I’m sure you will all get along very nicely. I have a big business trip and I shall be leaving now. See you in a few months!†And with that, Chad left. Aeiou led her new stepmother and stepsiblings upstairs. She showed Urania to her father’s room.
“You can sleep here. This will be your room.†Urania gave her a sour look, and entered the room. Aeiou led her stepsiblings to another room. “Pwt, Kokopelli, you can sleep here. This will be your room.†Pwt looked at her like she was crazy.
“You expect us to share a room? I don’t think so.†Aeiou looked at her blankly. “I’ll take your room.†Pwt shoved Aeiou out of the way, and walked into Aeiou’s room. Upon Pwt’s entrance of the room, Crraw opened his eyes wide in terror.
“Help me, help me, Mrs. Princess!
This is the ugly one without a dress!â€
Aeiou picked Crraw up and said, “You can’t have this room. This is my room.â€
Pwt gave Aeiou a rude glare and simply said, “Not anymore,†and slammed the door. Aeiou ran outside and began to cry. All of this crying made her hoarse, and then finally made her lose her voice.
“I can’t talk anymore!†Aeiou thought. But then Crraw came to the rescue.
“I shall translate for you, miss!
It would make me happy in this abyss!â€
Aeiou silently thanked Crraw, and went inside.
For the next few weeks, Urania, Pwt, and Kokopelli made Aeiou do all of their work. They began to call her Cinderaeiou. She was told to clean the rooms, empty the fireplaces, fold the laundry, scrub the floors, clean the dishes, make the meals, and many more things.
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3- I liked that book, but I read it on my own and I like history
wow, looks like so far people like books that they are assigned, so here’s my list,
The Monkey’s Paw
The Pearl
Romeo and Juliet
The Most Dangerous Game
Maniac Magee
Of Mice and Men
The Interlopers
The Sniper
Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry
Diary of Ann Frank (that one was ok, i guess)
A Christmas Memory
Gift of the Magi
The Land Lady
that’s all that stick out in my mind right now…
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I like Mark Twain! It’s not drivel!
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I read an extremely abridged version of Gift of the Magi once. I couldn’t see how it was resolved.
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8 – I’d probably like it better if I read it now. But the circumstances were not very good when I read it. It was for school, which usually makes a book not as fun to read. But I also read it in 5th grade, which was probably one of my worst years. I was really, really sick, and reading a boring book wasn’t my #1 priority…and yet I still had to. But yeah…
I really loved the Diary of Anne Frank, though. I read it on my own, and I really liked it.
I didn’t really like Maniac Magee though. I don’t really like Jerry Spinelli’s books.
And I really like Mark Twain, too 
And I liked Animal Farm. I like Orwell’s books.
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We had to read a book called A Lion to gaurd us. It was a nice enough story, though I didn’t care to much for the style. It was boring.
I also love Anne Franks diary and Mark Twain though I’ve never been required to read them.
We have a summer reading list for middle school, depending on your english level. I have to read a book I already read in third grade and a 150+ page novel. Wow, that’s sure going to be difficult. 
At the elementary I went to we had different clubs you could sign up for (everyone had to pick one.) I chose the book club. The only other members besides the mom that ran it were three thid graders. She began the first session by asking us what the last or current book we were reading was. Three magic tree house fans and me who was then reading Abarat and Jane Austen’s Emma. We had to read a magic tree house book. It was dreadful.
Wow, That was a long post!
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12- Abarat or Magic Tree House? Oh, so hard to choose . . . Not. Abarat is so cool.
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Very unentertainingly. Mother forced me to finish it. *winces*
Oh, and The Root Celler. Horrid, horrid reading. Meh.
Hmm… there’s one short story one, where a lady is all upset because sh’e invited to a party and doesn’t have anything to wear, so her husband lets her buy a dress, and then she outs because she doesn’ have any jewelery, so he tells her to borrow something from a friend, so she picks out a diamond necklace and loses it right after the party. And so on. I don’t remember the title, but it was rather dull.
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(14) “The Necklace,” by Guy de Maupassant. I didn’t care much for it either, but having read it only in translation, I withhold judgment.
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weird names are found here.
The Giver = The Liver
The Golden Goblet = The Moldy Elephant (?)
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7-Hmmm. Interesting.
Speaking of parodies, I was supposed to film a parody of Chain Hang Low today. Here’s the list of my parodies. I did them in school, so it counts.
Fergalicious-Bubblicious
Ridin/White&Nerdy-Creepy Emo (dosn’t rhyme)
Hips Don’t Lie-Scales Don’t Lie
Smack That-Break It
Snap Ya Fingers-Pick Ya Nose
Chain Hang Low-Ice Cream Drip
Pop, Lock, and Drop It-Stop Drop and Roll
This Is Why I’m Hot-This Is Why I Rot
And many more.
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4- Fahrenheit 451 and Animal Farm are better then the stuff they force us to read. I read those on my own. Not too bad. And you were forced to read On A Pale Horse? I liked that. I read the series independently a couple weeks ago. I haven’t read anything else you mentioned, though.
8- The Pearl (school reading), Gift of the Magi (school), and The Monkey’s Paw(read it after the link was posted in the other thread were bad, I agree. Roll of Thunder, Maniac Magee, and Diary of Anne Frank weren’t bad, though.
What about the story with the person stoned to death? We didn’t read that in school yet, but for some or another reason I remember reading it.
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18- Do you mean, The Lottery?
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I hated The Golden Goblet.
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Books They Made Us Read:
On My Honor
The Westing Game
Across Five Aprils
Touching Spirit Bear
And many more. I seem to be saying that a lot.
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-Bearstone! AAAAH!!!!!!!
“I don’t need a father. I don’t need anyone. My name is Lone Bear.”
Except you have to say that in an overly dramatic voice.
I hated that book.
-The Outsiders
-The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle
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22- Ooh, I ♥ The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle.
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14-oh yeah, I read that too, it was kinda pointless…
oh, and we read this one where someone kept dreaming that they were about to die, and he went all psyco because he couldn’t sleep, then he saw a psychaitrist and the psychiatrist convinced him to sleep, and they found the guy dead with claw marks in his chest… ya, not a cool story, and I think that was 6th or 7th grade, too…
22- ya, the outsiders wasn’t too bad…a little wierd, but ok. I listened to The True Confessions Of Charlotte Doyle on tape when I was young (we were going on a long car trip, or something) but I got completely freaked out and couldn’t finish it when the nice old guy was being punished…I wouldn’t read that book for years after that.. I had nightmares and everything. I would have stopped listening earlier than that, but the reader-guy in the beginning said something like “this story may scare some readers, if you get scared, stop reading, this story is not for you” or something like that… so I’m like, “oh I won’t get scared…” so I listened to most of it… *shudders* oh it was awful… then I read it in 7th grade and it was good.
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24- I can’t remember him getting punished . . . I don’t think . . . so it can’t have scared me very much. But then again, I was (and am) 13 when I read it, and have seen numerous naval movies, even if I never actually watched any of the punishments. *shudder* I close my eyes.
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Once I had to read a book called Johnny Tremain, it was a good book but i will parody it anyway in… *drum roll* Nah, I won’t. I can’t even think of a good title for the parody and I don’t know which muse i should have for Johnny so I guess I don’t have any use for this thread so this is a PoPo and as a member of the PoPoPo, I hereby fine myself 1,000,000,000,000 boxes of virtual choklit. And it goes to… my alter-ego, Blackblogger. *gives blackblogger 1,000,000,000,000 boxes of virtual choklit*
Blackblogger: Yum, yum!
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Probably one of the best books I was “forced” to read was The Kite Runner. I really, really liked that book, plus I got school credit for reading it!!
I also like To Kill A Mockingbird, which I read in school.
But those are probably the only ones I have actually liked. Shakespeare is a real chore for me. I like the stories and the language, but being assigned to read 300 pages and 10 essays practically every day on it is not fun. At all.
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26- I detest that book.
Could we have a thread for making shortened versions of books? Because I want to do that with His Dark Materials.
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28- Ooh, we should. I know I shouldn’t like doing that, but . . .
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I wrote a shortened version of Romeo and Juliet, which my friend still has, meh. I want it back. It was pretty funny.
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they made us read a book called “Go and come Back” in 6th. It was…interesting…a little…mature for sixth graders….
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I despised jane eyre, but i’m doing my scriptfrenzy right now (finally…) so somebody else’ll have to do the parody (or i could do it later…)
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(28),
This thread sounds like a good place to post them. I think a drastically shortened version of a book counts as a parody.
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Yes, we’re reading the True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle in school now. (I’m in 7th grade.) I read ahead, of course, and finished the book.
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Alright, although they should be moved to their own thread if they get out of hand. Well then, here goes:
The Golden Compass By: Philip Pullman Shortened by: Glassboro
There’s a little girl named Lyra who lives in Jordan College in Oxford. Her Uncle Asriel comes to visit, and she hides in the room where he is going to meet important people. She sees the master of her college put poison in Asriel’s wine, and later warns him, saving his life. She is allowed to stay in the room and see what he shows the scholars.
They talk about Dust, and Lyra gets interested, but Asriel won’t tell her any more. She is also told that there are below-ground places to run around in as well as the roof tops. She brings her friend Roger down with her and plays.
People are talking about Gobblers, who are really the General Oblation Board, which I shall call the GOB for short. They take away children. Roger is taken away, and Lyra wants to go with Asriel to look for him. Asriel says no, but the Master gives Lyra the Alethiometer, or the gold thing. It is supposedly only readable with books but Lyra learns to read it. She thinks that she has to give it to Asriel and sets out to look for him.
That’s all I can do for now, I actually might end up shortening it. I forget if this is the end of part 1, and I have to go to bed. Until tomorrow!
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In that vein, I just have to post yet another link to Em’s supercondensed version of Watership Down.
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I love that. I want the next parts though.
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37- Ditto!
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Ooh! I absolutely LOVED the condensed books they had for the Muse contest that one time…is that what everyone’s talking about? I *think* so…
Condensed version of Julius Caesar:
Caesar: I am King!
Cassius: I killed you!
Brutus: Caesar was a bad king!
Mark Antony: Caesar was a good king!
Townspeople: Caesar was a good king!
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39- I liked them too. I shouldn’t have, since they were MURDERING the books, but nonetheless, they’re funny.
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Ugh. Just this year:
The Cay
Tuck Everlasting
Young Fu of the Upper Yangtze
Mara, Daughter of the nile
lsland on Bird street
and True confessions of Charllotte Doyle.
Forbidden HTML. l wonder if it works.
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Whoa. Nothing.
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A lion to gaurd us
told from Megs perspective
Our mother got sick. She died. Mean lady kicked us out. Our father. left many years ago. He left us with a golden lion doorhanger. We cherish it. Nice docter goes on big boat with us. We like boat. Boat will take us to father. Docter falls over board. We are sad. Boat crashes. We make shelter. We eat fruits and small animals. We are happy. Other people on boat make raft. We sail to America. We find Father. he is sick. We are a family now. We are happy.
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Condensed version of Golden Compass:
Lord Asriel: God is evil, Dust is weird, lets start a war against God.
Gobblers: Let’s steal children for nefarious purposes involving guillotines and mutilation!
Lyra: This is scary. My friend has been kidnapped. OHNOEZ.
Mrs. Coulter: ME BE EVIL. Or not.
Lyra: RUN AWAY!
Ma Costa: Stay with us.
Lyra: No. I shall run away with a strange armored bear. Off to Bolvangar!
Iorek: OK.
Lyra: AAGH SEVERED CHILDREN AKDFHAKS.
Lord Asriel: Give me your best friend.
Lyra: Ok.
Lord Asriel: DIE ROGER DIE.
Lyra: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
THE END.
Supercondensed version of Golden Compass:
Lord Asriel: God is evil.
Lyra: ASFJHGASKD SEVERED CHILDREN
Iorek: I am big and armored.
Lyra: ASKFJHAKSJ MY FRIEND IS DEAD LETS ENTER ANOTHER UNIVERSE
Pantalaimon: Right.
THE END.
Supercondensed version of 1984:
Winston: I am confuzzled.
Julia: Me too.
Winston: *brainwashed*
THE END.
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this year we’ve read: Pedro Paramo, One Hundred Years of Solitude, The House of the Spirits (my favorite this year for school books), Antigone (I &hearts: Antigone! We preformed it with school once and I really enjoyed it. My director mixed the Sophocles and Anouihe versions and it was fun.), The Awakening, Pride and Prejudice, Light in August.
I didn’t really hate any of them, though.
12- that’d be horrible. I’d support you n the Abarat side and make the Magic treehouse readers read it!
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The one problem with these book-a-minute things is that everyone acts so ridiculous. For example:
Bad guy: Hello. I’m the antagonist. May I please take over the world?
Good guy: NO.
Bad guy: Very well, I’ll do it anyway.
I mean, come on. No one acts like that.
They’re funny though.
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Condense Version of Romeo and Juliet:
Romeo: ANGST ANGST ANGST WHEREFORE ART THE PRETTY LADIES HATING ON ME
Juliet: I am Juliet. I am one sided.
Romeo: :O HAAAAAYYYY JULIET
Juliet: LET’S GET MARRIED
Much snogging to be had. No one notices. Tyblat gets angry for no reason and a bunch of people die and IT’S TRAGIC.
Juliet: OH NOE ROMEO IS BANISH-ED. NOT BANISHED, BANISH-ED
WAT WILL I DO.
Nurse: You could always suck it up and move on with your life.
Juliet: NO. I HATE YOU. I’m going to go pretend to kill myself to solve things now, thx.
Romeo: OH CRAP YOU’RE DEAD. I GUESS I SHOULD KILL MYSELF NOW.
Juliet: LOL ME TOO. OH HAPPY DAGGARZZZZ!!!!!!1
The end. I hate this story.The angst is annoying, the character development non-existent, and everyone is whining the whole play.
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47- Surely it’s not that bad! But I haven’t read it, so I guess it could be that bad and I wouldn’t know. I started reading the Tempest, and Macbeth, but have so far not got very far.
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48) It is, it really is. I’ve read some other Shakespeare, so I know that he’s capable of interesting stuff, but it’ beyond me why Romeo and Juliet is so ~~~*~famous~*~~~. It’s not a very imaginative story.
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34-Yes, I always do that too. 
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Eragon and Eldest, by Paolini:
Eragon: ZOMG SHINY ROCK! Hey, look at my shiny rock
Shiny rock: *hatches* I’m a dragon, n00b
Storm TroopersKing Gallbladder’s peoples: Yo, our shiny rock. Unless you join the Dark Side the King!
Brom: take the dragon and run, kid!
Saphira: to the Varden!
The Varden: d00d, let’s fight the evil empire!
Eragon: w00t! pwnage!
Arya: thanks mostly to my 1337 magick skillz0rs
Eragon: ZOMG I HEART JOO!
Arya: beat it, kid.
Elves [in a Yoda-like voice]: Eragon, learn the ways of the old language, you must.
Eragon: *whines*
The Varden: OHNOEZ man, King Gallbladder is attacking agains!
Everyone: *fights*
Eragon: another rider? I don’t believe it! o_O
Murgagh: No! I am your father! Hello, bro!
Eragon: Nooooooooooo!
*Note the SW plot theft.*
***
The Scarlet Letter, by Hawthorne:
Hester: I’m an adulteress, but I really don’t care that you think less of me because of it. Because I HAS TEH RED LETTER OF D00M!!!one!
Boston: Who’s Pearl’s father? PUNISH!
Hester: Duh, God!
Boston: Oh, okays, we don’t care anymorez because Maury won’t be around for a few more centuries
Dimmesdale: Pearl is my kid but I’m too much of a pansy do do anything so I’ll just whip and/or starve myself!!!!! CHEK OUT MY EMO SKILLZ! *preaches*
Boston: Aww, you’re so tortured, it must be Jesus! w00t FOR REV DIMMESDALE!
Hester: …
Chillingworth: STFU Hester no one needs to know we’re married, I’ll just torture DImmesdale, ‘kay?
Hester: OKAY!
***seven years of Hawthorne saying “and EVENT happened and it was a SYMBOL for Jesus doing stuff” later***
Hester: Dimmesdale, let’s run away, ‘kay? Like, finally? Oh, and BTW, Chillingworth was meh husband.
Dimmesdale: OHNOEZ that’s why I’m all sickly! *preaches*
Hester: ZOMG SCAFFOLDS!
Pearl: ZOMG DADDY!
Boston: O RLY?
Dimmesdale: *dies*
Boston: Woah, there buddy, didn’t see that coming.
***
Ignore my lack of style, please.
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12-13-35- Eek! Magic Tree House! I remember them…back from third grade…gosh, the memories… I read Arabat a while back, too…
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I’m going to work on mine more later, whenever I get the chance.
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for school i had to read this American Anthology of Short Stories. very good!!!!!!!! edgar allen poe, herman melville and more! there was this one edgar allen poe called The someting Heart and it was weird…here’s how it goes:
main character: ooohh! look at the creepy eye! me hates the CREEPY EYE! kill the creepy eye man. sneak…….sneak……sneak…..killkillkillkill!
neighbors:hey we heard some screaming?????
main character: *i can still hear his heart!?* “noone screamed! see, there’s noone here!”
neighbors: okay!
main character: *still can hear his heart! oh no i’m doomed!* “oh woe is me! i killed him and buried him under the floor! waaaahhh!”
yeah, thats pretty much how it went…..really random and wierd. creepy. it made a big impression on me. also read Great Expectations. beginning=funny middle=horriffible end=okay also read the scarlet letter.
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(54) The Poe story is “The Tell-Tale Heart.”
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We read a lot of obscure short stories (SS), as well as a few famous ones. And of course novels, plays, etc (N)
Freshman year:
The Monkey’s Paw – SS- had read it before, but was still really good.
Barn Burning – SS – this is absolutely horrible. It involves stream of conciousness (literary element), which makes it really hard to follow. Really really hard. Poorly written.
Masque of the Red Death – SS – written by Edgar Allen Poe, this is an absolutely amazing story.
Luck – SS – this past year, I learned to detest Mark Twain. This story was written by Twain about how lucky his friend was. It was incredibly boring.
My First Lie, and How I Got Out of It – SS – also written by Twain. Just plain stupidity.
This is an incomplete list. I will later return.
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Tuck everlasting:
Tuck: Ooh, water!
Son: Slurp. *falls out of a tree* Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!! I’m alive!
Winnie: l want out! *escapes*
Tuck and Mae: Stay with us!
Winnie: Okay!
Dude in yellow threads: Come back home.
Mae: Goway! *Hits in head with shotgun*
Dude in yellow threads: *Dies*
Mae: *in jail* *gets rescued*
Son: Winnie, take this water of life.
Winnie: Gives water to frog.
Tuck and family: Here’s her grave.
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47-HEEEYYYY JULIET lol 
that’s a really good parody and i’m definitely quoting it at every opportunity (I am Juliet. I am one sided)
ha,the tell-tale heart. i remember that one. we used to read poe’s stuff in the middle of the night while we were camping out in jen’s backyard (she had the pool :D) then we’d get freaked out and literally go dancing in the street (nobody ever came by at night)
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“Heart of Darkness” In One Easy Sentence!!!!!!
Joseph Conrad: Man, all this oppression is really bad.
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We have to read (This is what comes to mind. I haven’t read them yet though)
Of Mice and Men.
To kill a mockingbird.
And various other ones that are rather obscure.
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His Dark Materials By: Philip Pullman Drastically Shortened by: Glassboro
The Golden Compass
Lyra: I’m going to hide in the retiring room and listen to my Uncle Asriel.
Pantalaimon: No.
Lyra: Yes.
Pantalaimon: Okay.
*hide in retiring room*
Master of Jordan College: I’m goig to poison Asriel.
Lyra: Oh, no! We must warn him!
Pantalaimon: No.
Lyra: Yes.
Pantalaimon: Okay.
Asriel; Oh, look. Myfavorite wine.
Lyra:No!
Asriel: Because you are a bad child and were sneaking around in here I’m going to let you watch my presentation.
Lyra: Yay!
Later:
Lyra: What’s Dust?
Asriel: Confusing. Catholiscism is bad. I’m leaving.
Lyra: I want to go with you!
Asriel: No. Go play under the college.
Lyra: Okay.
Mrs. Coulter: I’m going to take away my daughter’s best friend.
Lyra: Noo! Oh Roger, where are you? I’m going.
Master: Take this. It’s a very valuable object called an alethiometer. Only 6 were ever made. Take care of it.
Lyra: Okay. Bye!
Lyra: I need to find an armored bear.
*Lyra travels and finds Iorek’s town*
Lyra: Will you help me to get back my father, Lord Asriel?
Iorek Byrnison: Okay. Get me my armour. Then I will help you.
Lyra: It’s there.
Iorek: Thanks. I will now take the revenge that I promised that I wouldn’t take and kill everyone.
Lyra: No, you won’t.
Iorek: Okay, I won’t.
Meanwhile
Asriel: God is evil. I will kill him. To do that, I have to get the bears that imprison me to bring me materials.
Bear: All right.
Asriel:Yay. Now I can build a place to cut children from their dæmons and other mean things, and then destroy God.
Back to Lyra
Lyra: I’m going to trick the king.
Lyra: I’m Iorek’s dæmon, but I’d prefer to be yours. Get yourself killed by Iorek.
Iofur: Okay.
Lyra: You have to kill Iofur, Iorek. Sorry.
Iorek: Yay. I want to do that.
Lyra: Good.
Iorek kills Iofur
Iorek: I’m going to rip out his heart. Hooray for blood and guts!
Back to Asriel
Asriel: I’m going to rule the world. What ho, a knock.Oh, no! It’s my daughter Lyra! Oh, wait. There’s her childhood friend. I’ll kill him instead.
Lyra: Noo! Let him go. You beast!
Asriel: Once I cut him apart I will rule the city in the Aurora.
Roger: Noo! Lyra! Help!
Lyra: Sorry, nothing I can do.
Asriel makes the cut
Bridge appears
Asriel: I’m going to go across now. So long, suckers!
Lyra: I’m going to follow him.
Pantalaimon: No.
Lyra: Yes.
Pantalaimon: Fine. We’ll both die.
End Book One
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We just recently finished Across Five Aprils. yuck. It could have been so much better- it was a good storyline and all, but the way it was written was dreadfully dull.
1.Jethro and mother plant potatoes.
2.Civil War starts.
3.Nearly all the characters go to fight the war.
4.One brother dies.
5.War ends.
6.President Lincoln is shot.
7.People come home.
8.People help plant potatoes.
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I should have entered that contest. Didn’t. Don’t know why not.
Animal Farm ultrasupercondensed
Old Major: Men are evil! Revolt!
Animals: OK!!!
*animals take over*
Animals: Yay! We’re free and can make everything the way it should be!
Benjamin: It’ll never work.
—
Pigs: We’re smart. We need to get better food than you. You can believe us. It’s not like we’d _LIE_ or anything.
—
Snowball: I’m right! Windmill!
Napoleon: No, I’m right! *attacks Snowball*
—
Napoleon: I’m always right. We need to kill the traitors. We need to trade with the humans. We need to work forever and give the profits to the pigs so they can live in luxury while you starve. Trust me – I’m smarter than you. And you agreed to the rules. *changes rules*
Animals: um, well, ok, if you say so…
—
Napoleon: Let’s be nice to humans! See, it doesn’t contradict those words written over there. Remember when you agreed to them and they were written?
—
Benjamin: I told you so.
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Here’s a version of the lord of the flies, but it’s been a while since I read it, so I forgot all the confusing parts. And most of the character’s names, so I’ll use Nat and Mike. You can figure it out.
*plane crash*
boys: Oh no!!!!!!!!!!
Nat: well, maybe this could be fun. I’ll lead everybody!
Mike: Hmph. I’ll go kill some things.
Yeah! isn’t this great? we can blow horns and build huts!
Boys: No.
Mike: well I’m having fun, killing things and burning them!
Boys: Sounds like fun! Lets go join you!
Mike: Let’s get rid of those old annoying rulers, so we can really have fun.
*Everyone runs around island, catching pigs, sharpening sticks, and crying*
*Ship pulls up*
Crew: Hi boys, were here to save you!
Boys: Oh, hi. We were, uh… just waiting for you.
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it would really be ridiculous if Romeo & Juliet were redone in modern language. it’s all just:
“Oh No!!!!!!!!!!!!! Romeo is banish–ed!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’ll fix everything by killing myself now!’
“No. don’t. Please.”
“But I really want to!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
How about just pretending?”
“Ok”
Then we all know where it goes from there. Throw in some “doth” and some crying, and you have an amazing play? I mean really.
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I think you should all check out The Reduced Shakespeare Company.
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This reminds me of my Muse/Eragon crossover on the Muse Fanfiction thread. Actually, it’s not so much a crossover as the Muses wreaking havoc. Kokopelli becomes a Dragon Rider, and the only casualties are the cliches. Read it!
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Who remembers what issue the condensed stories were in? I forget…
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Hate, hate, hate, HAAAAATE. “A day no pigs would die” by robert peck. Not just the beginning, but throughout the WHOLE BOOK.
Sad, terrible, gross, wrong, evil, cruel, gore, yuck, disgusting, crude, graphic.
That’s pretty much in. O.O
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66- I love TRSC! As so many other things, their DVD is on my amazon wish list.
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(65) SERIOUSLY it’s nowhere near as good as veryone says it is…and it’s boring…
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WORST. STORY. EVAR.=Billy Budd. ihu melville.
It’s like AU badfic, except sixty pages long and lacking pr0n.
Billy Budd: The Actually Readable Version
Melville: lol sailors -homoerotica- lol revolt -homoerotica-
Billy: lyke, omg. I mean, SPARKLES AND FLOWERS AND INNOCENCE!
Claggart: u suck dai -homoerotica-
Melville: See me contrast angels and demons lol I’m so deep -homoerotica-
Billy: What in the name of butterflies and unicorns is homoerotica? I mean, darn, I broke a nail hitting Claggart over the head! OMG! He’s DEID!
Claggart: O RLY? -is deid- -homoerotica-
Billy: My poor little uke heart ;_;
Vere: JUSTICE SHALL BE DONE! Sry Billy, I’m hanging you even though you’re hot. Er, pure of heart! Pure of heart!
Melville: ROCKS FELL AND EVERYBODY DIED
…-homoerotica-
THE END
47 (Axa) and 51 (SM)- o-omg
you both win at life
though I hope Eragon is never required reading for anything.
…oh ambiguous deity I am getting IDEAS.
Romeo and Eragon and Juliet
Eragon: HERE IS A SHINY ROCK, SIMILAR TO THE CONTENTS OF MY HEAD ONLY SMALLER
Juliet: -hatches because this is a CROSSOVER AND I SAID SO kthx-
Eragon: …weren’t you supposed to be bluer?
Romeo: …sex?
Juliet: LOLPEDO BUT OKAI
Eragon: No, you can’t have her! She is the perfect elven maid destined to me by some prophecy or another!
Juliet: …
Romeo: …
Juliet: Oh right, OH IT IS FORBIDDEN LOVE HOW TRAGICAL
Saphira: WHEREFORE ART THOU, SANITY
Mercutio: ECSTACYYYYYYYYYYYYYY~
Eragon: …screw this, I’m getting a part in Star Wars.
Galbatorix Shakespeare: ROCKS FELL AND EVERYONE DIED
THE END
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The most stpid thing they make us read? Every year, whenever we take the state english exams, they give us the same stupid sample reading selections.
Once I was standing on the street
As quiet as could be
When a big, fat, ugly man came up
and tied his horse to me!
Isn’t that stupid?
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66- We watched that movie in class. Very funny.
…I’d post a funny line but it’s a bit…odd, so I won’t. Heh.
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the stupidest thing we had to read: The Acorn people by: Ron Jones
It was a story about handicapped children going to camp
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We read this disturbing book about a Pakistani girl. It was called Shabanu. It makes alot of…ummm…. references…. if you know what I mean.
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66-oooh….ultracondensed…..me likes de sound of dat!
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I had to read Romeo and Juliet, and it was SO ANNOYING AT TIMES.
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78-Hmm? Oh, all the angsty “God. I feel so bad for myself” parts are a little thick at times.
ROMEO AND JULIET IN TXT TLK:
Romeo: yo j wazzup
Juliet: 4bid3n luv
Romeo: bmr
Juliet: mry m?
Romeo: ok
Juliet: d00d, u kld my bro
Romeo: sry
Juliet: no prob *dies*
Romeo: 
*commits suicide*
Juliet: jk
Juliet: oh CRAP
Juliet: god my life sux *kills self*
Family: hey myb we should try to get along
Family: Naaaah.
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79-Sorry. That was supposed to be sry, not srb.
Fix it, O Amazing GAPA? Please?
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1984 – The short version!
Winston: Down with big brother!
Julia: I hate big brother too! Let’s get naked!
O’Brien: I’m on your side! Read this book.
Book: Oceania sucks.
O’Brien: Just kidding! I’m not really on your side! Torture time!
Winston: Four is five! The grass is blue! I love Big Brother!
End.
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Of Mice And Men
George: Lenny, don’t screw up.
Lenny: Okay.
Curley’s Wife: Hey big boy.
Lenny: *screws up* Oopsy.
George: *Kills Lenny before someone else can* My dreams are ruined.
Yeah. I don’t like that book.
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81- Stop! I’m reading that!
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79- Cousin, not brother.
I don’t see why people have such problems with Romeo and Juliet, or 1984. Of Mice and Men deserves it, though.
Nobody has done The Lady or The Tiger It deserves to be done, so here it is. It doesn’t have any dialogue (I don’t think…) So I’ll have to supply reader’s thoughts.
Narrator person: Once upon a time there was a king. And a princess.
*reader*: Go on…
Narrator: The princess fell in love with some guy the king didn’t want her to.
*reader*: Intriguing
Narrator: The standard punishment for this sort of thing was being thrown into an arena
*reader*: Not so bad
Narrator: …and being made to chose between two doors, one of which contains a tiger
*reader*: Harsh
Narrator:… the other containing a lady for him to marry.
*reader*: Not exactly a great justice system. I guess female criminals got a seperate punishment…
Narrator: The princess found out which door contained which ahead of time.
*reader*: Smart.
Narrator: But the lady was one of her ladies in waiting, and being a stupid paranoid jealous git, the princess didn’t want her bf to marry her [the lady] b/c she saw him flirting w/her
*reader*: Stupid paranoid jealous git. She must have got that from her stupid closeminded git of a father.
*Narrator*: The princess is such a stupid paranoid jealous git she can’t make up her mind whether to let her bf marry the lady in waiting or let him be mauled by a tiger.
*reader*: So, which does she pick?
Narrator: *singing* I’m not going to tell you….
*reader*: *Rips up paper*
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we had to read Journey this year. I hated it. I also read Sing Down the Moon in a group. It was fairly interesting.
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Oooh. Coward’s way out. That sucks.
I actually really liked 1984. It’s very, very depressing, however. George Orwell needed more happiness in his life.
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The Great Gatsby:
Nick: All these crazy-rich people are quite strange.
Daisy: Hmm, that’s nice.
Jordan: So Gatsby’s totally in love with your cousin.
Gatsby: You can so relive the past! Help me out, old sport?
Nick: Sure thing.
Gatsby: Hey, Daisy, I’ve been stalking you for the last 5 years, how ’bout declaring you never loved your husband so we can get back together now that I’m rich?
Daisy: Hmm, that’s nice.
Tom: Hey, she’s mine. Even though I had an affair and all.
Daisy: Ow, my brain hurts. *drives home and accidentally runs down Tom’s mistress*
Gatsby: Oh noes poor Daisy, you must be traumatized!
Nick: You all disgust me.
Tom: Honey, I’m hoooome!
Wilson: Since whoever ran over my wife had a yellow car, it’s gotta be Gatsby, Tom says he has a yellow car.
Nick: What is happening here?!
Gatsby: Well, Daisy killed this random lady in my car, but don’t worry, I’ll cover for her!
Wilson: *shoots Gatsby*
Tom and Daisy: *resolve to remain together*
Nick: Kids these days…!
*years later*
Nick: *writes account of these events* “So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.”
Don’t get me wrong, I LOVED this book.
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How about condensed songs???
Hollaback Girl by Gwen Stefani
Gwen: I don’t cheet on my guy.
The End
Fergalicious by Fergie
Fergie: I’m tasty.
Everyone Else: Yes, you are.
The End
Get Low by Lil John
Lil John: *bleepbleepbleepbleep* and you know it.
The End
This is a bad idea, isn’t it?
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81- lol. I’m still reading it. I’m on the part where Winston is starting to be brainwashed.
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88 (Beavo)- HECK YES. I have my WMP (stop laughing, I’m cheap) on shuffle, and these are the resulting songs, complete with summaries.
Ticket to Ride (The Beatles)
Dude: My girlfriend left me, or something.
SHE’S GOT A CHICKEN TO RIDE, AND SHE DON’T CARE!
THE END
Here in Your Arms (Hellogoodbye)
Dude: I like you.
THE END
Rang Wo Ai Ni (MARS soundtrack)
Dude: Er…let me love you?
Dude: That’s as much of the song as Penty understands.
THE END
Shoes (Kelly)
Kelly: Omg, shoes.
Dude: No shoes.
Kelly: You [censored]! Omg, shoes.
THE END
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90- I heart shoes so much. Seriously, I had it on the iPod before the vid hit YouTube…
Hmm, I’ll do the song to which I am now listening.
Girl Anachronism (The Dresden Dolls)
Amanda: I’m a mess and still play dress-up because I was born early due to a c-section.
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I have read many horrendous short stories and short plays in English class. I won’t subject you to them though.
I hated reading a drama of the Diary of Anne Frank instead of just reading the actual diary. That was stupid.
And I liked To Kill A Mockingbird but filling out stupid study guides about it made it less enjoyable and prevented some people from enjoying it altogether. Which sucks.
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79: Wow. That’s just brilliant. I was giggling here at the compy, which is always awkward when there’s other people in the room…
What bmr stand for?
84: So true.
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amendment:
“What‘s“
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(93) bmr = “bummer,” no?
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Ultracondensed verision of Ben and Me:
ben: i like to invent things
*ben does crazy stuff*
amos: boy that guy is stupid i need to help him
*amos meets ben*
ben: i will make a newspaper with the name poor richard’s almanak
amos: that is a dumb name
*amos changes the name to poor amos’s almanak*
townspeople: this stupid peice of paper is soooo inaccurate
ben: uh oh
townspeople: yaar you shall die
ben: it’s not mine it’s amos’s
townspeople: oh
ben: i make wires go bzzzt look and see
*amos rearranges all the wires so they work right*
ben: hey look king at these wires
king: ow someone zapped my butt!
amos: sorry
ben: i need to learn what makes wires go bzzzt
amos: ho-hum
ben: fly up in a huge kite for me
amos: do I have a choice?
*ben attaches amos to a kite and flies him up*
ben: heh heh heh
amos: ow! Lightning hurts!
ben: hee hee
amos: good bye you freak
ben: hey wait
*britain takes all the townspeople’s money*
townspeople: jefferson, write a decleration of independence
jefferson: nooooooooo
townspeople: do it or die
jefferson: uh okay
amos: i will come back to you ben if you sign this paper
*ben reads the paper*
jefferson: that’s perfect!!!! squee!!!
*jefferson makes the paper the declaration of independence*
amos: this place is psycho
ben: i’m old.
townspeople: yay for amos
amos: why does my voice sound like winnie duh pooh?
ben: i’m dying
jefferson: i’m presedent yahoo shucks dang wehaaa
amos: okaaaaaay then
*ben dies*
THE END
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I want to do To Kill A Mockingbird, but it’s so great I can’t bring myself to harm it.
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Alice In Wonderland:
Alice: *snore*
obnoxious creatures: RAWR!
Alice: *wakes up*
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Condensed version of I’m terrfifc (a childrens story i read at my friends house)
Jason Bear: I’m terrific! i do terrific things!
Mother bear: You are terrific! You do terrific thngs!
JB: Every time I do something terrific I give myself a gold star! Hurray for me!
Mother bear: I love you, you are so terrific.
JB: * goes around to all of his forest animal neighbors and proclaims his terrific-osity*
forest animal neighbors: Go away show off!
JB: * goes around and does destructive things to neighbors* I love the new me! Nevermind I’ll be the old me again. * does kind things for neighbors*
Mother: You are terrific!
JB: yes, I am!
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99 – I’ve read that book!!! It is sort of dumb.
Condensed version of The Old Man in The Sea (or whatever it’s called):
old man: I am poor so I need to go fish
boy: you do that
*old man goes and fishes*
old man: wow I got a fish
*2-day pause*
old man: I am hungry
*old man eats the fish*
old man: oh darn now I need to catch another fish
*old man catches a several hundred pound fish*
old man: yay
*sharks come*
old man: oh no
sharks: yarrrrrrrrrr
*old man bonks the sharks with his oar*
*sharks eat the oar*
*old man is knocked out*
*3-day pause*
boy: wow that’s a big skeleton on your boat mister old man
old man: where am I?
boy: on shore
old man: where is the fish?
boy: the sharks ate it
old man: aw dangit
THE END
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100- That’s “Old Man and the sea to you,(or anybody) E2MB!
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Not to be confused with the Old Man of the Sea, who appeared in the Arab epic of Sindbad the Sailor and earlier (under the name Proteus) in the Odyssey.
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102 – Cool.
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Jane Eyre-
Jane: Oh, woe is me, every one is mean to me.
Aunt: Go to boarding school.
Jane: Boarding school is good now. I’m a teacher, but now I’m bored.
Mr. Rochester: Come and teach my ward.
Jane: Hey, I thought Mrs Fairfax was hiring me.
M. R: Nope.
Jane: I love you.
M. R: I love you too. Marry me?
Jane: Yay!
M. R: Oh, happy are we.
Other men: Wait! You have a mad wife in the attic.
Jane: I’m not talking to you, Rochester. Bye!
Ladies: Oh no, a poor girl.
Minister: Keep her.
Minister: You’re our cousin. Now you can marry me and come to India.
Jane: We’ll see. I’m going to see Rochester. I think he might be sad.
M. R: Hello Jane. I’m blind. But my wife is dead. Marry me and live with me and take care of me forever?
Jane: Yep!
Ultra condensed version
Jane: Hello. I love you.
Mr. Rochester: Hello. I love you too. Marry me.
Two men: You can’t! He’s got a mad wife!
Cousins: You’re our cousin! Come to India.
Jane: Nope.
Mr Rochester: Come and live with me, because my wife is dead.
Jane: Righty ho.
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Oh oh oh. I’m going to make a condensed version of the adventures of William Fakespeare, even though it doesn’t need condensing. Anyways.
Random Business People: *wander around cash register store*
William: Hallo. I am going to steal all your money. While dressed in Elizabethan clothes. Wheeeeeeeeee.
Random Business People: o_o
William: *gallops off with fake pieces of eight*
Yes. The actual story is about two pages long and mostly just describes the business people wandering around.
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Ultra-Condensed Beowulf:
HRATHGAR: I will build a pretty castle.
(castle is built).
GRENDEL: I HATE happiness and light and look a bit like Severus Snape. I will kill people.
(He whiffles of to Hrothgar’s castle).
(Various screamings, munchings and deaths occur).
BEOWULF: Oh no! Grendel has taken over Hrothgar’s castle! I must kill him!
(Various events transpire, including the death of Grendel, the coronation od Beowulf as King of Danes or something, and the death of Beowulf to the Firedrake).
HARRY POTTER: I must save Ginny Weasly from the basilisk!
Sorry, I got a bit unfocused towards the end. 
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92-I had to read the play version, too. It was really annoying. I read the diary, and it was very good, but the play was just… blech.
But I do not want to make a parody of it, because they were real people, and most of them died horrible deaths, and that would not be nice.
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Room 13, the play version, what I have read so far:
Linda: Hello!
Fliss: Ow! My scar…
Really stuck up girl: I will go see a vampire
Others: We will kill vampire with sharpened stick of rock.
The End.
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Dead thread! Dead thread! I’m PoPoing at 10:14 on a dead thread! *dances*
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109 – Weird.
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Dracula
Dracula- I want to drink your blood!
Jonathon- AHHH!
Lucy- Now I want to drink your blood, too!
Jonathon- AHHH!
van Helsing- Let us kick vampire butt!
Dracula- I’m dead.
Jonathon- AHHHHHH!
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hah the worst book ever was Lost in the Barrens by Farely Mowat.
Jamie and awasin- lets go down the river
Jamie- AHHHH rapids.
Awasin- oh dear all our stuff got washed away…
Jamie- except for the amo
…. then they go off killing animals and going snow blind until they manage to find thier way back to where ever they were…. AND THERE WAS A SEQUAL!!!!!!!!! kagy goes and quietly kills herself..
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Fahrenheit 451:
Montag: yay, book burning!
Clarisse/Faber: no book burning is bad!
Montag: boo book burning!
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Oh my god I love this thread. I’m going to print all thse out and hide them in last years enlsigh books XD
Now I have to go write one.
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Her is an Ultracondensed screenplay.
Liar Liar
Screenplay by Jim Carrey
Ultracondensed by Afishi
Jim Carrey: I like to lie. It’s fun.
Kid:I wish my dad couldn’t lie.
Jim Carrey: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!
(Jim Carrey does many stupidly funny things, some of which include lying about the color of a pen, beating yourself up in a bathroom, and making funny faces at the defendant.)
Jim Carrey: I like to lie, but now I won’t because I “learned my lesson” *snickers*
THE END
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Small Gods
Terry Pratchett
Section one
In the desert
Tortoise: Lalala...I'm on the ground
Eagle: Ohlookit, a turtle! Let's carry it reeeealy high and bash it's brains out by dropping it!
Tortoise: Lalala... ooooh, I'm flying! Oh great eagle, thank you so much for- ahnodon'tletgo!
Narrator: But someday a turtle will learn to fly.
[[[I could almost just stop there. But I went on a bit.]]]
Library
Librarians: We’re int he quasi-library! Lookit us! We know all there is to know about anythng that has ever happened or will happen! Lalala!
In the monastery
Burtha: I’m not very bright, but I love my god! I shall sweep the garden. I’m 17 years old and still a novice! Oh how I love my melons!
The Great God Om: Pst!
Burtha: Whutsit? *nothing* Ahkay. *sweeps*
Om: Psst!!
Burtha: Whut?
Om: You’re and idiot
Burtha: AHHademonit’sgunnaeatmysoul!! *runaway*
Brother Nuhmrod: Why are you laying on the ground in front of a statue of Om, creppy boy? Ohwaitright you’re praying, yeah, I remember.
Burtha: Ahh a voice it talked to me!
Brother Nuhmrod: Ahh voices bad. DOn’t listen to them.
Burtha: Ahhhh whutdoIdo?
Brother Nuhmrod: Ignore it and get back to work.
The Garden
Om: *tries to talk to people* Ohshitnooneelsecanhearme. You all will get boils!
Vorbis: I’m evil.
Everyone else: Yes you are. Therefore, we and the church will do whatever you say.
Burtha: Ohlookit, a tortoise. Hi there! Do you want some lettuse? Aww, lookit the little-
Om: You’re an idiot
Burtha: AH VOICES
Om: Shut up, I’m yer God.
Burtha: Hahaha noo, you’re a tortoise.
Om: Am too. Go get the high person thingimajiger.
Burtha: Er… I’ll go get my novice master even though that’s not who you asked for. Besides, yur just a tortoise
Vorbis: I’m scary.
Bishop&person: Yes you are. Let’s not go to war with Ephabe.
Vorbis: Let’s.
Bishop&person: Okay.
Rebels: The Turtle Moves!
Nuhmrod: A turtle
Burtha: It talks
Nuhmrod: Does not.
Om: I shall smite thee!
Nuhmrod: I can’t hear you. Let’s eat it. Good eating on turtles.
Om: Eep! I will turn you into a worm!
Burtha: I’ll save you!
Vorbis: Who’s that boy?
Nuhmrod: Burtha. He’s 17 and still a novice, and ververy dim, but he can remember anything he’s seen or heard and is unquestioning.
Vorbis: Let’s use him!
Nuhmrod: Okay
Vorbis: I’m now going to turn this turtle on it’s back out of spite.
Person who was with the bishop earler, aslo an unimportant rebel member: The Turtle Moooves! I must kill Vorbis!
Vorbis: Hear you
PwwWTBE,AaURM: Ahaha jk?
Vorbis: Diie! *kills*
URM: I’m not dead?
DEATH: HALLO
Urm: Ohshit. What do I do?
DEATH: GO WALK ACROSS THAT DESERT.
Urm: Do I have to?
DEATH: YES
Urm: Damn.
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*code was supposed to stop after ‘in the desert, by the way*
And after Vorbis says “I’m now going to turn this turtle on it’s back out of spite,” put:
Om: Smite thee! Yer head’s gonna explode!
Vorbis: Boy,, your an idiot. Come with me to Ephae for reasons I shall not tell you.
Burtha: Okay!
Om: Take me with you!
Burtha: Okay!
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the Watsons Go To Birmingham, 1963(yes we were forced to read this in school)
Kenny: I am the hero of the story I have a lazy eye. I am a woos.
Joetta: I am a crybaby. Hear me whine.
Byron: I am Dr. Cool. Lemme inject some cool into you cuz u aint cool. I can git away with ANYTHING.hah you fools!
Momma: Oh yeah,well we’re sending you away to Alabama,home of the racist who will hopefully blow your head off. So there.
Byron: Hear me curse in anger.
(The Watsons go to Birmingham, in 1963, hence the title)
Byron:Yep, Momma was right, some white men blew up Joetta’s church,but she survived. Darn it.
Kenny: I’m scared so I’m gonna hide behind the couch.
Byron:Woos.
THE END
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Section Two
Onna boat
Burtha: Ahh seasickness blerrrrg
Om: Pay attention to me!
Burtha: We’re on a boat. God will send us wind.
Om: I will?
Burtha: Boatahhhg, I don’t know where I am because along with my incrdible memory I usually know exactly where I am in relation to everything on top of it!
Om: AHH it’s Vorbis!
Burtha: Ya?
Om Kill him!
Burtha: Eh?
Om: He flipped me on my back! He’s evil!
Burtha: Well, you are a tortoise… not beging fond of tortoises isn’t a sin…
Om: I’m God! And it should be! Push him over board!
Burtha: Nonono, he’s my friend. And he’s with the Church, so he must be good.
Om: Ahh!
Burtha: Have some lettuce
Om: I can’t use any of my godly power. And why can no one but Burtha hear me? All who belive in me should hear me!
….
Wait…no.
…
Well…
….
Ohshitohshitohshit.
Narrator: The world is filled with gods. Most are small little ones who no one give a damn about and no one belives in. Gods need people to believe in them have any power what so ever.
Narrator: If there is one supreme God who supposedly made everything he didn’t make the universe cause it’s a horrid mess. Rather, someone else did when he was out for a cup of tea.
*STORM*
Om: Eep!
Crew: Ahhhwe’regunnadie! Vorbis killed a porpoise!
Burtha: *sleeping*
Om: Yo! Sea Goddess!
Sea Goddess: Ya?
Om: Don’t kill us.
SG: No.
Om: Yes
SG: Fine. but you owe me.
Sailors: Ahh we got’s to throw someone overboard!
Burtha: *wakes up* Whut’sgoinon?
Sailors: Kill the lad!
Burtha: Noo!
Sailors: Yes
Burtha: Okay. Can I pray first?
Sailors: Surewhynot
Burtha: Ah, Dear Om-
*storm clears up*
Oh. Thankers.
Om: Wasn’t me, but okay.
Om: AHH I’M GETTING A CONSCIENCE. Wherefore art thou godliness?
Rebels: The Tur-tle Moo-oves!
Burtha: The captain said the earth was flat! And ontoppa a turtle!
Om: So?
Burtha: The earth is round!
Om: Is not
Burtha: But you said it was!
Om: Ah did?
Burtha: Yes!
Om: That’s silly. The world was already there when I got here. Besides, people would fall off. A turtle is a perfect shape.
Burtha: But…but…
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I had to read Shane for a group called RDE. RDE standes for reading discussion enrichment. It is also known by me as the Nerdy Society for Inside Jokes. It looks good on a college application. Shane is infamous for being increduosly boring. It’s an “American Classic”. Here’s the ultracondensed version:
Shane, by an author that I don’t remember.
Shane:Call me Shane. I am a shady character with a past that I will not reveal, though it would make the book somewhat interesting if I do.
Joe Jr.:You’re so mysterious and you have a gun. You’re my hero!
Joe Sr.:Hey, can you help me get this stump out of my yard?
After several grueling pages of pointlessness, the stump is removed, and Marian (Joe’s wife) burns her apple pie.
Marian:Oooh Shane you’re such a hunk! I love you!
Joe Sr.:Hey, since my wife loves you and you’re obviously at rival with the outlaws, would you like to stay and work on my farm?
Shane:Sure. Just don’t touch my gun.
Outlaws:We’re here for a showdown city boy! Stop being a soda drinker and fight us!
Joe Sr.:I’ll show them to call us soda drinkers!
Shane:No I wanna fight them!
Joe Sr:Aww. I want to fight!
Shane:No! I’m gonna fight them and I’ll whack you over the head with my gun so I can run off and fight them! *whack*
A big barfight occurs, where Shane kills the hitman who was sent to kill him, injures some other people, and get’s all depressed because he’s adding more to his shady past. Joe Jr. sneaks in and watches the fight. Shane tells Joe Jr. to say no to violence and rides off into the sunset.
There you go. Now you never have to go through the ordeal of reading that.
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super short version of to kill a mocking bird part 1:
scout: I hate first grade
miss. m( I forgot her name.): boo radly is alive, but call him arther
jem: let me stick this note in the window
scout: nobody likes my dad for defending a black.
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52: Did someone just say Arabat? Awesome book, but it’s ABARAT. I wonder if someone can ultracondense it. Hehehe
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121-Miss Maudie, I believe.
Parodies thread condensed:
Mbers: *condense various books*
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His Majesty’s Dragon (condensed):
Cpt. Laurence: Ooh, lookie, a dragon egg. Someone has to take care of it when it hatches.
*the officers draw lots* *random midshipman is chosen*
Dragon: *hatches* *ignores random midshipman* *chooses Laurence*
Laurence: Oh.
Dragon: Name me!
Laurence: Er… Temeraire.
Temeraire: Yay.
Laurence: **goes to official people* I have a dragon now, so I can’t keep my ship. I want my lieutenant to have it.
Official Naval People: *are rude*
Laurence: *is angry*
ONP: Fine, you win.
Sir Something-or-other: Oh my, your dragon is an extremely rare Imperial breed!
Laurence: *sigh* I want my ship back.
Temeraire: I’m hungry.
~Weeks Pass~
Official Dragon People: Well, Cpt Laurence, you can go back to your ship now. We found a different person for your dragon.
Laurence: Oh.
ODP: Leave now.
Laurence: Oh. Um…okay…
~Hours Pass~
ODP: Well, that was a failure. You can have the dragon back, we guess.
Laurence’s Replacement: It’s not fair!
Laurence: Yay!
Temeraire: They said you didn’t want me.
Laurence: *is angry*
ODP: Oh, and by the way, you can’t duel anyone.
Laurence: Ugh.
Temeraire: You can have your ship back if you like.
Laurence: I changed my mind.
*they go to dragon training place*
Officers: We don’t like you because you’re a Navy man!
Laurence: Well, I’ll hang out with the dragons then and tend to this poor neglected little creature whose rider ignores him.
Poor Neglected Creature (PNC): Yay!
Apparently Nicer Officer (ANO): *hangs out with Laurence*
Officers: *shun*
Laurence: *hangs out with dragons and plays chess with ANO*
ANO: Actually I’m the rider of PNC. What have you been doing to my dragon?
Laurence: Ew. You’re a horrible person. *shun*
*they all train, the officers eventually stop hating Laurence, life goes on*
Cadet Roland: I’m a girl. My name is Emily.
Laurence: Wow, girls can ride dragons.
Jane Roland (Emily’s mother): Duh.
Laurence: Oh.
*Jane and Laurence hang out*
*battles are fought*
The End
Ultracondensed Version:
Laurence: I have a dragon.
Temeraire: I have a rider.
Various People: We will make life miserable. Actually we won’t.
Everyone: Yay we defeated Napoleon! At least until the next book!
I think I forgot some stuff and put stuff in the wrong order, for example, I can’t remember if Laurence hurt his leg in this one or TOJ, but that’s the gist of it.
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Throne of Jade (condensed):
Chinese Ambassadors: That’s our dragon.
Laurence: Come again?
Chinese Ambassadors: Actually, he’s a Celestial not an Imperial, and we were sending him to Napoleon.
Laurence: That’s nice.
Chinese Ambassadors: You’re not an emperor, you can’t have him.
Laurence: I beg to differ.
Temeraire: I’m sticking with Laurence.
Laurence: See?
Aerial Corps: Oh no, there’s a battle!
*Laurence and Temeraire fly into battle, which they’re not supposed to do*
Laurence: Ow, I’ve been shot. *faints*
Temeraire: *worries*
Chinese Ambassadors and Official People: OK, we need to have a conference.
Laurence: I’m very badly injured and can’t walk straight, but I’m going to it anyway. *is dizzy*
Chinese Ambassadors: We need the dragon back.
Official Government Person: You can have him.
Laurence: No way! I’m not leaving Temeraire.
Chinese Ambassadors: Then come with us when we take Temeraire back to China.
Laurence: OK, but you’re not going to keep him. *sleeps*
*they sail to China*
Sailors: We hate the Chinese people.
Chinese people: We hate the sailors.
Dragon crew: This is unpleasant.
Chinese Ambassador: *teaches Temeraire Chinese*
Temeraire: Why don’t dragons get the same rights as humans?
Laurence: Er…
Chinese people: *prepare wonderful feasts for Temeraire*
Temeraire: This is much better than plain ol’ cattle.
Laurence: Er…
*tensions mount, Temeraire becomes more and more enamored of the Chinese culture, and Laurence is nearly assassinated twice*
*they arrive in China*
Everyone: Wow.
Laurence: Maybe the English way isn’t so great after all. What if Temeraire likes it better here?
Temeraire: I’m going to go hang out with my mom, ‘K?
Laurence: I cannot deny you the privilege. *sigh*
Sun Kai (a Chinese Ambassador): You’re going to be attacked.
Laurence: Hey, I thought you couldn’t speak English.
Sun Kai: Yeah, well, I can. You’re going to be attacked. Come with me.
Laurence: You know, I don’t entirely trust you, so I’m not going to go with you. But I will prepare to defend against attack.
*they are attacked*
Laurence: Temeraire should be here any minute…
*long bloody battle ensues*
Temeraire: Hi! … Are you OK?
Laurence: Only two people died.
Temeraire: …sorry…
Laurence: Where were you?
Temeraire: I found a nice girl dragon.
Laurence: Oh.
Temeraire: …sorry…
English Politician: Hey, I found out the entire secret!
Laurence: That’s nice.
EP: *explains*
Laurence: Oh, I see.
EP: So basically you just need to get into the imperial family and then you can keep Temeraire!
Emperor: OK, I’ll adopt you.
Laurence: OK.
Prince X: NO!!! *tries to assassinate Laurence*
Temeraire: *kills Prince X*
Prince X’s Dragon: *is extremely depressed*
The End.
Unltracondensed Version:
Chinese Ambassadors: We want Temeraire.
Laurence: No.
Temeraire: No.
Official People: You’re going.
Laurence and Temeraire: *have unpatriotic thoughts*
Laurence: Ew, what a mess of politics.
Temeraire: I like China.
*Laurence is nearly assassinated*
Temeraire: Actually I don’t like China. Let’s go home.
Laurence: Lets.
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I am going to make a condensed version of the Lord of the Flies.
Sometime.
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The Ear, The Eye, and The Arm (which I actually very much liked):
Setting: The Mile-High MacIlwaine
Eye: OH MAN, IT’S WAAY TOO HIGH UP!!!
Ear: You are being too loud!
Arm: Liar! I saw into your mind and you were just fine! Sekai would be ashamed of you!
(everyone starts fighting)
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Lady and the Tiger= Really weird.
That was back in 8th grade. We read good books this year, thank goodness. They were all depressing, though.
Oedipus the King= Weird as well.
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124, 125- Drastic oversimplification. I need to get my hands on EOI.
Has anyone tried to condense a book into lolspeak?
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128- Hey, MLS! How would Thursday work for a Portland kokon?
129- lolspeak? Like the cats? Oh dear.
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Yes, some people have. Condensed To Kill A Mockingbird:
Scout: Hello Atticus!
Dill: Hi, I’m from next door.
Jem: You’re cool.
Scout: I love you, Dill.
Miss Maudie: *Bakes Cake*
Miss Stephanie: *Gossips*
Mrs. DuBos: *Rants*
Jem: Boo Radley lives here.
Dill: Let’s meet him!
Atticus: Don’t go near there! My work is boring.
Dill: I have to leave.
Scout: I love you, Dill. *Kiss*
Miss Carolyn: You shouldn’t read!
Scout: *Cries*
Calpurnia: *Goes to Church*
Lula: *Rants*
Miss Maudie: *Bakes Cake*
Miss Stephanie: *Gossips*
Mrs. DuBos: *Rants*
Atticus: I’m defending Tom Robinson.
Aunt Alexandra: I’m an idiot.
Miss Maudie: My house burned down!
Miss Stephanie: *Gossips*
Mrs. DuBos: *Dies*
Dill: I’m back!
Aunt Alexandra: So am I!
Judge Taylor: *Eats Cigar*
Jury: Guilty!
Atticus: *Cries*
Jem: *Cries*
Dill: *Cries*
Tom: *Dies*
Helen: *Cries*
Atticus: *Cries*
Scout: Pork!
*Long Fight Scene*
Scout: *Cries*
Aunt Alexandra: I’m not an idiot now!
Hec Tate: Bob Ewell’s dead!
Scout: Hi Boo!
Hec Tate: He killed himself.
The End.
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131- Thank you for that. We had to read that this year. Good moral, but WAY too grim for my tastes. Maybe I’ll parody it here later.
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Tings I’m going to parody at some point:
Lirael&Abhorsen
The White Darkness
Master and Commander (when I’m done)
Black Powder War (ditto)
The first would take too long, so I’ll start with the second:
The White Darkness, by Geraldine McCaughrean (sp?) (condensed version)
Sym: I like Antarctica and I have an imaginary man in my head. His name is Titus Oates and he died 90 years ago on an expedition to the south pole.
Titus: Hello.
Uncle Victor: Let’s go to Paris!
Sym: OK.
Titus: Sounds good to me.
Mom: I lost my passport!
Uncle Victor: Oh no. I guess Sym and I will have to go without you.
*They arrive in Paris*
Uncle Victor: Let’s go to Antarctica!
Sym: OK!
Titus: I don’t like Antarctica…
Sym: Oh no, we have to travel with other people.
Sigurd: I am a charming and handsome Scandinavian boy. Hello, Sym.
Sym: Um, hi.
Titus: Go mingle.
Sym: No.
*They arrive in Antarctica*
Sym: It’s cold. And white. And amazing.
Titus: I like India better.
Uncle Victor: Guess what? There’s a hole in the bottom of the planet that leads to other worlds.
Manfred (Sigurd’s dad): I’m going to film your uncle’s great discovery. As soon as the film crew gets here in the weekly supply plane, we’re setting off.
Sigurd: *kisses Sym*
Travelers: We have food poisoning. We’re going home.
*The weekly supply plane arrives*
Manfred: Hmm, where is the film crew?
Travelers: Let’s go home.
*The plane blows up*
Uncle Victor: Come on, Sym. Let’s go find the hole.
Sym: OK, but…
*Uncle Victor kidnaps Manfred and Sigurd and takes them with*
Manfred: This is madness.
Uncle Victor: *hums*
Manfred: I’m actually a con man, OK? Sigurd isn’t really my son, there is no film crew!
Uncle Victor: All right.
Manfred: So we’re going back, right?
Uncle Victor: *abandons Manfred*
Sym and Sigurd: 
Uncle Victor: Don’t worry, I poisoned him first. He’ll die quickly.
Sigurd: I still love you, Sym, even if I’m just an actor.
Sym: OK.
*They fall through the ice, and Sym gets cut by an icicle. Uncle Victor hauls them out*
Uncle Victor: What do you think, Sigurd? Do you want to go on?
Sigurd: Yes.
Uncle Victor: OK, I won’t poison you then.
Sigurd: *whew*
Titus: I hate Antarctica.
Sigurd: *takes their only vehicle and abandons Sym and Uncle Victor*
Sym: OK, so he didn’t love me after all. I’ve still got Titus.
Titus: Of course you do.
*There follow many long, grueling days of freezing-ness*
Sym: Listen to that hollow noise under our feet. The ice is really thin here.
Uncle Victor: I’ve found it! *falls through the ice* *dies*
Sym: I’m going back. *starts back* Actually I’m not going back. I’m going to die here. *lays down in snow*
Titus: Don’t give up!
Sym: Why not? I’ll lie here forever…I’ll never decay…Maybe I’m laying right on top of your frozen body right now.
Titus: No, you aren’t! The ice shelf is shifting! My body is lying in the ocean somewhere being eaten by crabs!
Sym: Oh. OK. *gets up* Look! The vehicle that Sigurd stole!
Sigurd: Hi.
Sym: I hate you.
*They get rescued*
Sym: Titus told me something that I didn’t know…He’s never done that before…
THE END
Ultracondensed version:
Uncle Victor: Let’s go to Antarctica to look for somethign completely implausible and false.
Sym: OK.
They go to Antarctica.
Sigurd: I love you. Actually I don’t.
Uncle Victor: *dies*
Titus: Don’t die, Sym!
Sym: OK. *lives*
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Lirael (condensed)
Lirael: I don’t fit in with the rest of the Clayr. I think I’ll kill myself.
Clayr: How about you get a job instead?
Lirael: That’d work too. I’ll work in the library.
Clayr: It’s dangerous, but OK.
Lirael: Oh, look. A room that I’m not supposed to go into. I think I’ll go in. *goes in* Ooh, scary.
Stilken: RAWR!
Lirael: *steals dog statuette* *runs*
Filris: You’ll have to rebind it, you know.
Lirael: Later. First I’m going to make myself a magical dog. *makes magical dog* Eep, things are going wrong!
Dog: Hi. I’m the Disreputable Dog.
Lirael: You’re not what I expected.
Dog: You have to bind the Stilken.
Lirael: I know… *binds the Stilken* Wow, that was scary. But I survived. Go me!
4.5 years later, in Ancelstierre
Prince Sameth (Sam): Oh, look, there’s a host of Dead coming towards us.
Ignorant Ancelstierrans: Oh dear.
Sam: I’m going to go into Death and stop the Necromancer who must be controlling them. *goes into Death*
Necromancer (Hedge): *defeats Sam*
Sam: *comes out of Death* *faints*
Nick: I’m going to go stop this Necromancer fellow myself, in Life of course. *finds Hedge*
Hedge: *sticks sliver of metal into Nick’s hand, which automatically goes to his heart* Oh wait, you aren’t the Prince. Oops.
Later, in the hospital
Sam: *has troubled dreams*
King Touchstone (Sam’s dad): *heals Sam* Now your only wound is to the spirit. Let’s go home. *they go home*
Princess Ellimere: *subjects Sam to many unpleasant things*
Abhorsen Sabriel (Sam’s mom): Well, Sam, it’s time for you to take up my mantle and become Abhorsen-in-Waiting. Here’s The Book of the Dead and a set of bells.
Sam: (to himself) But I can’t go into Death again!
Nick: I’m coming to visit you, but first I’m going to take only one servant and go investigate an ancient and dangerous legend near the Red Lake. Oh, and I still don’t believe in magic.
Sam: The Red Lake is where all the trouble is coming from! Even the Clayr with their prophetic abilities can’t see what’s going on with the Red Lake! I have to stop him! (And, if I stop him, then I can get away from this misery my sister is inflicting on me.) *runs away* *leaves the book and bells behind* Oh no! The book and bells followed me! *is wounded* *runs off into the woods*
Mogget (the Abhorsen’s “cat”): Oh, hi, Sam. I was looking for you. Now let’s get away ’cause we’re being followed by the Dead and you haven’t finished your studies. *they run and float off down the river in a metal bathtub*
Meanwhile
Lirael: I’m nineteen and I still can’t see the future. On the bright side, I know how to turn myself into three different creatures, I’ve been promoted to Second Assistant Librarian, I have the Dog for company, and I’m not scared of the dangers of the library! *goes exploring*
Lirael: Oh my gosh, a crypt! With my name on it!
Dog: It’s not a crypt, silly. It says “Lirael’s Path.”
Lirael: Oh, OK. *goes on the path* Look at this lovely room, with a little table. Book, panpipes, mirror… *reads book* Oh. It teaches me how to look into the past. But I want to see the future…
Clayr: Come with us now!
Lirael: OK, but why?
Clayr: We saw a vision of you on the Red Lake! We’ve been trying to see the Red Lake for five years! You have to go there and rescue the young man we saw in the vision!
Lirael: All right. *goes off in little boat with the Dog* Oh, look, a man in a tin bathtub!
Sam: Hi, I’m Prince Sameth.
Lirael: You’re the prince? What are you doing in a bathtub?
Dog: Hello, Mogget.
Mogget: Hello, Dog.
Lirael+Sam: What, you two know each other?
Mogget: Yes. *sleeps*
To be continued…
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134-Bravo, Alice!
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Artemis Fowl: so short it’s not AF.
Artemis: “Butler, are you sure about this, even after the last fiasco…?”
Butler: “Of course, Nguyen is a good man.”
Nguyen: “Well, I believe you have a proposition for me?”
Chapter 2:
Holly: “Oh, **** it, I’m running low again.”
Root: “Short! Get in here!”
Holly: “Yes, Commander?” *privately thinks “so what?”*
Root: “There’s a troll around. Go deal with it, Short!”
To be continued.
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135- *bows* I would continue right now, but Opal is hammering her head into my shoulder and screaming at me.
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Lirael (continued)
Lirael+Sam: Well, that’s weird. Now, on to save Nicholas Sayre!
Sam: Actually let’s go to my house first.
Lirael: OK.
The Abhorsen’s House:
Lirael: Oh my gosh! Sam, I’m your aunt! And the Abhorsen-in-Waiting!
Sam: Yay! I don’t have to do anything anymore! But I will anyway.
Mogget: *yawn*
Meanwhile, at the Red Lake:
Nick: I don’t remember anything that happened the night I ran into Hedge, and, in my ignorance, have hired Hedge as my servant. *has convulsions*
Evil Thing Inside Nick (ETIN): Hurry up and free those big silver hemispheres that will destroy the world.
Hedge: I will do as you say.
THE END
Ultracondensed version:
Lirael: *mopes* *explores*
Dog: I am mysterious.
Lirael: Oh no. I have to save the world.
Sam: I hate my life, so I will run away. *runs away*
Mogget: I am sarcastic. *sleeps*
Lirael: Hey Sam, I’m going to take over your position, ‘K?
Sam: Works for me.
Hedge: I am evil.
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2001: A Space Odyssey
Moonwatcher: Hey look! A monolith. I can already feel myself evolving.
6 chapters later
Dr. Floyd: There’s a solar-powered monolith on the moon buried underground. That’s odd.
David Bowman and Frank Poole: We’re flying to Saturn.
Hal: A part of me is broken.
Bowman and Poole: We replaced it but the first one looks fine.
Hal: Well the new one is defecting now too!
Bowman and Poole: Yeah right.
Hal: It just defected. I told you so. I will now continue by killing Poole.
Bowman: No! Now I will unplug you.
Guys on Earth: We can talk to you again. Now go to Japetus.
Bowman: Oh look there’s another monolith on Japetus. And it’s filled with stars!
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Abhorsen (continued)
Corvere, Ancelstierre
Random People: Let’s try and murder the King and Abhorsen/Queen of the Old Kingdom! *they try* *they fail* *everyone thinks they’ve succeeded*
The Abhorsen’s House
Lirael+Sam+Dog+Mogget: Oh no! We’re besieged! We’re stuck!
Dog: There is another way we can get off the island…
Mogget: Let’s not.
Lirael: What is it?
Dog: Through the well.
Mogget: Let’s not.
Lirael: OK. We have to get out somehow.
*They go through the well*
Sam: Creepy…
Mogget: Yay! I’m unbound!
Dog: Run!
*They run*
Dog: Well, I guess it wasn’t as safe as it seemed… *is depressed*
Lirael: Not your fault. Ooh, look, it’s still daylight.
Mogget: Hi.
Sam: You’re back!
Mogget: More’s the pity.
Lirael: There’s the Red Lake. I’ll go rescue Nick now.
Sam: OK.
Lirael: Hi Nick.
Nick: I’m hallucinating.
Lirael: No you’re not. Come with me.
Nick: OK, I’m not. *comes* Uh-oh, I’m going to faint.
Lirael: Fight it!
Nick: *fights it*
Lirael: So my dad was the Abhorsen…
ETIN: *takes over*
Lirael: Dangit! *runs* Sorry, I failed…
Sam: They’re going to Ancelstierre!
Lirael: I’ll turn into an owl and fly everyone across the Wall.
Major Greene (soldier on the Ancelstierran side of the wall): Evil things? Destroying the world? OK, I’ll help. By the way, Sam, your parents are dead.
Sam: 
Lirael: We are too late to stop the hemispheres being joined and destroying the world, so I will go into Death and see how the Orannis (ETIN) was bound in the first place.
Dog: I’ll come too.
Lirael: Good.
*They go into Death, and defeat Hedge, and see how Orannis was bound*
Sam: *fights Dead creatures*
Mogget: I was told to help in any way I can… *wanders off*
Nick: Oh, hi, talking cat. I must find a way to stop the hemispheres from being joined… I think…
Mogget: *turns into dwarf* *carries Nick away from the hemispheres* Because Nick has a small part of the hemispheres inside him, if I can get him far enough away, the fragment will not join the hemispheres and Orannis will not be made whole. But I can’t get him far enough away in time! Oh no!
Lirael: It’s too late. We have to bind the Destroyer.
Nick: *dies*
Sam:
Lirael: Come on! There need to be 7 of us, and, conveniently, 5 have just arrived.
Sabriel: I’ll be Saraneth, the Binder.
King Touchstone: I’ll be Ranna, the Sleeper.
Princess Ellimere: I’ll be Dyrim, the Speaker.
Sam: Belgaer, the Thinker.
Sanar and Ryelle: We are twins. We will hold Mosrael, the Waker, together.
Lirael: Oh. Well, then… I’ll hold Astarael the Sorrowful and Kibeth, the Walker.
Dog: Actually, I am Kibeth, so I’ll stand for myself, thanks all the same.
Lirael: You’re Kibeth?
Orannis: Hahaha, you are not powerful enough to bind me this time!
Mogget: I will join them. My name is Yrael, and I am the Eighth, who refused to join the Seven in the beginning, but I’ll join them now.
Orannis: Oh. Oh dear.
Lirael: *cuts Orannis in half* OWWWW!!!! I’m stuck!
Dog: *bites off Lirael’s hand*
Lirael: Oh, thanks.
Dog: *dies*
Nick: *comes back to life*
THE END
Well, that made little sense, even to me. I probably should have mentioned the Bells earlier, and the Nine Bright Shiners. Oh well.
Ultracondensed version:
Protagonists: Quick, let’s stop Hedge before he crosses the Wall!
Hedge: Haha, beat you to it!
Protagonists: Quick, let’s stop Hedge before he gets to Forwin Mill!
Hedge: Haha, beat you to it!
Protagonists: Quick, let’s stop Hedge before he joins the hemispheres!
Hedge: Hah– *dies*
Protagonists: We’re too late!
Lirael: We will have to bind Orannis again. *they do so*
Dog: I’m Kibeth. *dies*
Mogget: I’m Yrael. *lives*
Nick: I died. But then I came back to life.
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*condensed, not continued.
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140-Ultrabravo, Alice!
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142- Why thank you.
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Black Powder War (condensed)
Laurence: Now we’re on our way back to England, thank God.
Temeraire: What’s that smell?
Laurence: The ship’s on fire!
(They put out the fire.)
Laurence: Dang it, my coat’s ruined.
Tailor: Sorry, can’t fix it. Here, take this one instead.
Laurence: Fine.
Snobby People: *are snobby*
Tharkay: Hello, everyone. Sorry for interrupting dinner, but look! Orders for Cpt. Will Laurence!
Orders: Go to Istanbul. Get 3 dragon eggs we bought, including one fire-breather, something that England REALLY, REALLY NEEDS. At once.
Laurence: Well, that’s sort of a lot of pressure. Especially considering the ship’s a bit of a mess right now.
Temeraire, Granby, or Tharkay: Go by land.
Laurence: OK.
Temeraire: Yay.
Laurence: Tharkay, will you be our guide
Tharkay: OK.
(They go through the desert.)
Tharkay: *disappears*
Laurence: Oh cake. And he took the water. And the camels.
Temeraire&Crew: So…thirsty…
Desert People: RAWR!
Tharkay: Look! I found water!
Laurence: OK…
(Later)
Tharkay: *disappears*
Laurence: Not again.
Tharkay: Look! I got pigs for food so we can cross the Snowy Mountains!
Laurence: They’re drugged.
Tharkay: It’ll wear off.
Laurence: OK.
(They go up into the Snowy Mountains.)
Feral Dragons: *pester Temeraire*
Temeraire: *roars*
(Avalanche ensues. Everyone digs up everyone else. No one dies. They shelter in a cave and give the ferals food.)
Temeraire: We’re going to Istanbul.
Arkady (lead of the ferals): We’re coming with you!
Laurence: Oh, cake.
Ferals: *steal cows* *run away*
Mustafa: We haven’t been paid for the eggs yet.
Temeraire: I can’t wait to get home and liberate all my friends.
Laurence: The war comes first.
Temeraire: Oh. *is sad*
Laurence: …sorry…
Tharkay: *disappears*
Laurence: *sigh* Well, he can’t be trusted, can he.
Tharkay: Hey, Laurence, someone who is somehow involved in this mess in a way that the writer of this parody can’t remember invites you to dinner.
Laurence: OK.
(They sneak out and go to dinner. As far as I could tell, nothing was settled. They go back.)
Guards: You shall not pass!
Tharkay+Laurence: *run away* *get back somehow*
Laurence: Mr Tharkay, you have proved yourself once again very valuable, but I insist on knowing when you are going to disappear.
Tharkay: Fine.
Daughter Of The Man Whom They Dined With (DOTMWTDW): I found this coin on the floor of the treasury that somehow serves as sufficient evidence that the eggs were paid for.
Lien (previously known as Prince X’s Dragon): I will make you miserable.
Official People: We’ll help that by being v-e-r-y s-l-o-w.
Laurence: Oh, forget it, we’ll take the eggs ourselves.
(They do. One of the eggs falls, along with a midshipman. Everyone mourns.)
Austrian Person: Bonaparte has already taken over a whole lot of the country! Oh, and he’s made a dragon a general, BTW. A white dragon. Very large. Chinese.
Laurence: Lien.
(They go on to where the Prussian army is camped out.)
Officers: Well, we’ve been waiting a long time for twenty promised dragons from England, but they haven’t come yet, so we’ll take Temeraire instead.
Tharkay: I take my leave.
Laurence: Very well, Mr Tharkay. OK, we’ll fight. Bother.
(They fight and are defeated.)
Laurence: I could kill Bonaparte right here, from these bushes, but it wouldn’t be sporting, so I won’t.
(They fight again and are defeated very badly.)
King: Report.
Laurence: All the heavyweights are gone! … except for Temeraire.
(They go somewhere else and join a different division of the army. Food is scarce, conditions are horrible.)
Laurence: You know what? I don’t care if it’s desertion, I’m leaving. This war is as good as lost.
Keynes: The egg is hatching.
Laurence: Right now? But we’re on the brink of being discovered and we have next to no food!
Temeraire: Wait, egg. Don’t hatch yet.
Egg: *ignores him*
Laurence: Harness it, Granby.
Hatchling: Hello, I’m Iskierka. *is harnessed* Let’s fight!
Granby: We can’t yet.
Iskierka: Why not? Cowards! *is a general nuisance*
Granby: Awwww.
(They get away and go somewhere else, to a city that is under siege. Plans are made for Temeraire to slip away under cover of darkness.)
Temeraire: Look, dragons!
Tharkay: Hi. I brought the ferals. Oh, and I promised them a cow a day; I do hope you don’t mind.
Temeraire: Let’s take the men with us when we leave.
Laurence: OK.
(They do so. Many people die, and at least a few more battles are fought. Then they head towards England.)
THE END.
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Dovey Coe
Dovey: I want a pocket knife *buys pocket knife*
Some guy whats his name:*is spoiled and mean* Dovey’s sister is pretty, I want to marry her.
Dovey: *is mad* no way are you going to marry my sister! You are way to mean.
What his name:who cares you little brat
WHN: *steals Dovey’s dog*
WHN’s sister Paris: hey Dovey, my brother has your wild dog in his shop, why don’t you come and get him? He tried biting my brother.
Dovey: my dog would never do that.
Paris: Who cares, come one!
(Paris drives Dovey to her brothers shop)
WHN: Hi Dovey.
Dovey: Hi, can you give me my dog now?
WHN: *acts crazy* *kills dog*
Dovey: HEY! *takes pocket knife and randomly slahes*
WHN: *whacks Dovey in head so she falls unconscious*
(Next day WHN is found dead in his shop with Dovey unconscious near by
WHN’s mom sues Dovey)
WHN’s mom: this girl killed my son!
Dovey: No I didn’t
Mom: yes, you took a metal soda holder and whacked him in the head hard!
Dovey: No, I only cut him because he killed my dog!
Mom: But he died because of a whack to the head and you where the only one in the room! Lier!
*babbles on*
(cause of death was of a whack to the head, soda holder found with blood on it, you know the metal kind with the sharp handles)
Dovey’s Lawyer: Dovey could never hold such a heavy thing. It’s prolly twice her weight! And he couldn’t of died from the cuts because they are very shallow and barely did anything.
Judge: You’re right!
(Dovey is not charged with murder)
Dovey’s brother, Avery: I killed him.
Dovey: Keep it a secret.
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A Christmas Carol
Scrooge: Bah, humbug. You’ll work thirty-eight hours on Christmad Day, keep the heat at five degrees, and like it.
Jacob Marley: Ebenezer Scrooge, three ghosts of Christmas will tell you you’re mean.
Three Ghosts of Christmas: You’re mean.
Scrooge:I’ve seen the light. Let’s dance in the streets. Have some money.
THE END
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Great Expectations: (up to where I am)
Pip: Oh, dearie me, my life sucks and my sister’s mean and I want to be a gentleman.
Everyone else except Joe: *is mean to Pip*
Miss Havisham: I am going to die. Help me walk around and then play card games.
Some Lawyer Dude: Hey look! Pip’s a gentleman!
Some Other Dude Whose Name Is Forgotten: *sucks up to Pip*
Yup. I hate it.
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139- Ironically, Clarke spelled the name wrong, its actually called Iapetus.
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(148) “Japetus” was the original English spelling of Iapetus and is still the spelling in many European languages. I don’t know why Clarke preferred the older version, which was certainly outmoded by the 1960s.
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ooh! a dead thread! lets revive it!(hint,hint).
HIDDEN TALENTS:
(we had to read this fo renglish . i didnt like it.
martin: i am ar an alternative school for no apparent reason
torchie:*lights stuff on fire*
lucky:lets gobreak out of school and go to the arcade!
evrybody:okay!
*stuff happens*
martin:i think you all have…MAGIC POWERS
cheater:no we dont. go away. we dont want to be friend s with you
*stuff happens*
cheater:okay we have magic powers. cool.
martin:i will teach you to use your powers!
*everyone else has some kind of feelong s. i dont remember positive or negative*
bloodbath:(to gang)i’m gonna blow up the school
cheater:i’ll go read his mond*reads mind*oh no!he’s gonna blow up the school
*martain and friends save the day*
martin gets out of reform school*
and they all lived happily ever after.
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Cool! I has a good one.
The Scarlet Letter
Evil Puritanical Society:
Because you have committed adultery, you must wear an ‘A’. Harlot! Harlot!
Hester Prynne:
…
(The Evil Puritanical Society snubs Hester Prynne.)
Hester Prynne:
…
(They call her names.)
Hester Prynne:
…
(They won’t let her play any Evil Puritanical Society GAMES.)
Reverend Dimmesdale:
I can’t take it anymore. I did it.
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I hated this book!!!! My teacher made me find all the “deeper understandings” of it. It is called Sees Behind Trees
Walnut: I am a native american boy with a weird name. I am also very nearsighted. I have to shoot mossout of the sky with a bow and arrow to become an adult. I have really good hearing though.
Walnuts mom: I changed the test for you. Now you just have to listen to the forest and say what you hear.
Sees Behind Trees: (Walnut) Now that I passed the test I get a new name, and it is even weirder than the last one.
Gray Fire: In my youth I found this really beautiful place and got my toes stuck, so I had to cut them off. Now I can’t find my way back to the place I cut off my toes in. Now I will spare telling you about all the corny stuff he says about finding his heart.
Sees Behind Trees: I will help you find this place with my super hearing.
*they leave*
Sees Behind Trees: I found it!!!
Gray Fire: Now I can magically run again even though I am missing my toes. I think I will go and be killed be some mysterious thing the author never says what it is.
Sees Behind Trees: Nooooooooooo!!!!!!! Oh well. Now I am reallly a man because I took this journey, not because of some name. I had trouble finding my way home, but I got there and learned that Gray Fire’s sister was the person who trapped him. You know, the funny thing is, I never really mourned Gray Fire in this entire book. Oh well.
The author of this book commited suicide. Great choice for a reading unit. (sarcasm)
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The Giver in chtspk
JnsSeesByond: omfg im a recver bt i cant tell neone
OldGvr: *is wise*
JnsSeesByond: omfg ma life is dramatcly chnged lolol
Everyone: *is ignrnt*
JnsSeesByond: its so sad lol
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Face2Face chtspk:
Prface
SoviesRock!: *heart* Stries kool
AmericaPwns!: omg yeah
SoviesRock!: wanna rite some?????
AmericaPwns!: sure whatever
BoyDrew1Horn
Teach: new kd here be nic
JoJoJo: hahaha hes stupid
PHilly: i dont do talkin just draw 1horns yeah
JoJoJo: wtf? u r gay
PHilly: no im not im traumatized
Teach: be nice J
JoJoJo: k
Teach: field trip day
JoJoJo: omg a carosel lets ride
PHilly: i wnt the 1horn
JoJoJo: no way i get it
Teach: philly gets 1horn J dont sulk
PHilly: im cured
JoJoJo: lets be frends
PHilly: sure
Teach: great job bye
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My version of LOTR: Fellowship in LOLcat.
Bilbo: I Need moar power n crap!
Gandalf: giv teh rign to Frodo!
Frodo: kthxbai goin on a jurney
Gandalf: we gets moar halfbreeds then we protects ring from saruman k?
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Face2Face chtspk cont (prev p.154)
Goin Fishn
VllgeBoy: wke up!!!!!!!!!!!
CityKid: im tired let me sleep
VllgeBoy: fine but were going fshn now
CityKid: fine
VllgeBoy: im sullen
CityKid: im nt showin me citement
VllgeBoy: were here
CityKid: how do i do this
VllgeBoy: omg u cant fish
CityKid: i liv in moscow
VllgeBoy: ill shw u
CityKid: *falls in water*
VllgeBoy: im comin to sve u!!!!!
CityKid: im drwnin
VllgeBoy: *saves*
CityKid: im okay now
VllgeBoy: lts be frends
CityKid: omg u saved me course were frends now
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Brian’s Winter
Brian: So you’re saying I didn’t activate the radio in this book, and now I have to stay here again? No fair!
Gary Paulsen: Boo hoo. Deal with it.
Brian: La la la…. lookit the pretty lake! Oh, dang! It’s fall! And it’s getting all… cold!
Gary Paulsen: Well, what did you expect? It’s October, for Pete’s sake!
Brian: Well, now I;m gonna have to sew some fur clothes to wear.
Betty: Hey, I’m moving in with you.
Brian: Man! Wait, great, you can save me from this angry bear that’s attacking me.
Tree: KABOOM!
Brian: OMG!! A gunshot! There’s somebody here! Yo!
Tree: KABOOM!
Brian: Oops, it was a tree blowing up. Heh heh.
Later:
Gun: KABOOM!
Brian: OMG! It’s too warm for trees to explode! ANd here’s a path! *follows path*
Indian Guy: Hi.
Brian: Yeesh, you’re telling me I was only like a mile from some people this whole time? WHat a dweeb I am.
Readers: Yes, yes, you are a dweeb,
now is the book over?
Gary Paulsen: Almost.
Brian: Bye, peoples, I’m leaving on this plane!
THE END
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We had to had to read this book for English. It sucked.
SEE HOW THEY RUN
Emma: OMG hot guy on bus. *goes home*
Dad: We’ve gotta get out of here.
Nicola: Um, why?
Dad: Oh, I worked for this drug dealer dude, only I didn’t know what he was doing, and when the cops found out what he was up to they wanted me to testify against him. Now he wants to kill us so they’ve put us on the witness protection scheme.
Nicola: We have to leave our whole lives behind thanks to this– this– GORGON?!?! Shoot.
Random Cop #1: Yeah, it does kinda suck. Welcome to your crappy new house.
Everyone: Ew.
Emma: Well, we have to be inconspicuous and all, so we’ll hang out with this boring girl no one likes and actually be nice to her, making this the best part of the movie.
Christine: Yay!
Dad: Actually we’re not safe even here. Let’s go to Australia.
Emma & Nicola: Yay! Wait, you’re from Queensland?
Dad: Yeah. Isn’t it great?
Mosquitoes: *bite everyone*
Emma: Australia sucks.
Random kids: Whingeing Poms!
Jeni: Hi! Wanna hang out with us?!
Greg: Hi.
Emma: OMG hot guy!
Greg: Wanna go out?
Emma: I can’t.
*time passes*
Greg: Wanna go–
Nicola: *is kidnapped*
Bad guy: Mr Morton, your daughter will be perfectly safe as long as you don’t testify against our friend the Gorgon.
Dad: *testifies*
Nicola: *is released*
Other guys: *testify*
Gorgon: *is put in jail*
Everyone: Hey, Australia rocks! Let’s stay here!
Me: I don’t care. Queensland still sucks.
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SFTDP
And the movie was even worse.
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A book I had to read for german:
1. Nathan the Wise (Kant):
Cast of characters:
Recha = 
Nathan = 
Daja = 
Templar dude = 
Sultan =
His evil sister = 
The accountant who’s name escapes me = 
Monk= 
Hi dad! When you were gone, the most amazing thing happened: our house burned down and an angel saved me!
There are no angels! That was just one of those crazy christian knights.
Was too! The Sultan kills all the knights that come here, so there.
Recha, you’re just to stupid to understand this. That confuses me. And everything is most definitely your fault, ! Why didn’t you go reward that guy?
*sulks*
I couldn’t find him. You do it.
Fine.
Hey Nathan pal, could you lend me money.
No.
But the Sultan spent all his and he’s gonna be mad, ’cause I’m supposed to be keeping it. I’m your best friend: ‘cmon, please?
I like my money better.
Mr Knight dude, sir! Will you come talk to Nathan? He wants to give you money.
No, I’m weird and mysterious and don’t want to talk to him.
*leaves*
You know, , our head honcho wants you be be a spy and sell all the Sultan’s secrets to the pope so we can take over the world!
But he spared my life!
So?
No, I’m going to stay here and be mysterious.
You know this Richard Lionheart guy who’s trying to kill us- what if you marry him?
Not happening. I don’t like the christians. Haha, I win at chess, pay me!
Actually, we have no money.
Let’s steal it from Nathan, he’s only a jew!
But he’s my friend!
You’re fired.
Nathan, Nathan, the Sultan is gonna take your money!
Well, since he spared the life of this mysterious dude who went on to save my daughter’s life, I kinda owe him.
This is too complicated- I’m leaving.
It’s all about religions and stuff- and btw, I win.
You must come over to my house. *jedi mind tricks*
I hear and obey.
OMG, I love even though I’m jewish!
Hi Sultan.
Hi Nathan: before I kill you and steal your money, I’ll just make small talk: Which is the true religion?
Once upon a time, a guy died and somehow his one ring, the precious, turned into three. Probably he just swapped with the elves. This is very important.
You’re very smart. Go away, I’m confused by your brilliance.
Hey Nathan, I love your daughter.
?!
You know, is catholic like you. Nathan adopted her.
I’ll ask if I can marry her.
Some guy raised a christian kid to be jewish? Let’s burn him at the stake.
You know, I have a relaxed approach to religion, really! *confuses everyone with his brilliance and is, to the disappointment of generations of schoolchildren, not burned at the stake*
I’m gonna look this all up in my book… Hey, you two ( and ) are brother and sister.
(everyone) Ew, gross!
& Group hug instead!
See, happy ends like this only happen if you´re brilliant like me!
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(You might have mentioned that it’s set in Jerusalem during the Third Crusade.)
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(Oops, right. It’s too confusing otherwise.)
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SFTDP:
And a short version of “The Cellar” by Thomas Bernard:
TB, age 16: “The world and school sucks. I’m going to work in a grocery store).”
(a few hundred pages and very long sentences later)
TB: “The grocery store sucks. I’m going to study music.”
Somehow, I think I missed the whole point of this book.
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Life of Pi, drastically condensed:
Piscine Molitor Patel: I’m named after a swimming pool. I live in a zoo.
Evil Classmate People: HAHA PISSING
Pi: Screw that, I’m calling myself Pi now. Oh, and I’m gonna practice three religions. And agnostics suck.
*Pi and family sets out on a Journey across the Pacific*
Pi: Drat, the ship has sunk. It’s a cargo ship. How did that happen?
Richard Parker: *makes attempt to appear human* Hi, I’m a tiger. You’re stuck with me now.
Various Other Zoo Animals: Us too, but we’re all gonna die soon, so don’t worry about it.
Pi: AHH HYENA. *trauma*
V.O.Z.A:*die*
Pi: I must tame Richard Parker before he kills me!
*survival*
Pi: Oh look, a weird island! Oh wait, it’s made of algae. Oh wait, there’s meerkats on it for some reason. Oh wait, it’s going to kill me! *leaves*
*Pi and Richard Parker wash up in Mexico *
Representatives of that Cargo Ship: What happened?
Pi: *trippy story*
Rs of that CS: …whut?
Pi: Okay, just replace all of the animals with humans. And Richard Parker is me.
The End.
Reader:…huh?
English Teacher: OH LOOK SYMBOLS
So glad we’re done with this book.
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The Giver–
Jonas: *is different*
Committee: You’re different.
Giver: Come be my apprentice!
Jonas: Ooh! Wow! Snow!
Community: OhmygodgetawayfromJonashe’sprobablydangerous.
Jonas: What’s wrong with you?!
Giver: Leave.
Jonas: Kthxbai.
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